Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long-lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

(THEME MUSIC)

Cousin, I'm home!

LARRY: Push your fingers together.

Thank you, cousin.

I have never been so proud.

You've enlisted.

Balki, I haven't enlisted.

Balki, this is hunting gear.

Tomorrow, I am going hunting with Wainwright.

Hunting? Cousin, I didn't know you were a hunter.

I'm not. I've never been hunting before in my life.

But how hard could it be?

You point the gun, you pull the trigger, you hit something.

Now, wait a minute.

the hunting of innocent animals.

Balki, it's a sport.

It's only a sport if the animals have guns, too.

But you're big enough to make your own bad decisions.

Just for the record

what poor, wide-eyed, innocent creature

who never meant you any harm in the world

and whose very existence supports the delicate balance

of nature will you be mindlessly slaughtering?

Ducks.

Ducks?

Yes...ducks.

Filthy, disgusting

Well...ducks.

I hate ducks.

Ducks have terrorized generations of Mypiots.

Cousin, they ruin our crops

foul our wells, and date our chickens.

We tried, cousin, we tried to live peacefully with the ducks.

We, we talked to them, we negotiated with them.

We threatened, we even set out a tangy orange sauce

to let them know we meant business.

But nothing worked.

In the end we had no choice

but to do battle with the ducks.

Oh, cousin, let me go with you. Let me...

Let me hunt, let me hunt these dreadful creatures

and eradicate them from the face of the earth!

Filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks!

(GROANS)

Oh!

(GROANING)

Balki!

Snap out of it!

I'm fine.

Cousin, you've got to take me with you.

You must let me hunt the ducks! Cousin, I've got to...

I am not letting you get anywhere near those ducks.

Oh, no.

Filthy, disgusting, immoral ducks!

(GROANING)

(SOBBING)

Balki!

Snap out of it!

I'm fine.

Alright.

Balki...

What is wrong with you?

Cousin, there's something about me that...

That I've never told you.

I don't wanna know.

Well, you've gotta know.

When I was a little boy, I found this little baby turtle.

He had, he had hurt his little leg

and his mama leave him behind.

So I took him home, and I nurse him back to health.

I named him Bippi.

Oh, Bippi.

One day, Bippi and I were laying out in a field getting some sun

and all of a sudden, out of nowhere

a duck swoop out of the sky and grab Bippi and fly away.

And I run after them, stumbling and calling...

"Bippi! Bippi! Bippi!"

And Bippi looked down longingly at me and cried out...

Cousin...

Let me go with you and hunt the enemy duck.

Let me do it for Bippi!

Balki...

I'm sorry about...

Bippi.

(SOBBING)

But I can't let you go.

They have shotguns on Mypos?

Well, of course we do! Don't be ridiculous!

But to hunt the dreaded duck

we needed a more accurate weapon...

A more deadly weapon.

So we developed the ultimate weapon.

The ducks have been known to migrate.

Cousin, wait 'til you see this. You're going to want one.

Balki, I don't want to see the ultimate weapon.

This trip is very important to me.

You can't come.

Here it is.

The deadly, bonk-a-duck!

(ULULATING)

Pretty impressive, huh?

Balki, that is just a sling with a rock.

You can't hit anything with that.

(SCOFFS)

That's what that duck said.

Now...

You see that soda can sitting on that bus bench

about 50 yards away?

Yes, I see it.

that can with a rock in this silly sling?

No, Mr. Ye-of-Little-Face.

I expect you to believe that I'm going to hit that soda can

make it spin in the air, bounce off that tree

and land in the trash can.

without your arms again?

Stand over there.

(ULULATING)

(CAN CLANKING)

Oh, my lord! You hit it!

And? It's spinning in the air!

And? Bouncing off the tree!

Into? A trash can.

Need I say less?

Balki, you are coming with me on this trip.

After this weekend, I'll be Wainwright's favorite employee.

I'll get a raise! I'll get a promotion!

And I'll get a handsome duck head for the mantel.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Balki! Over here!

(IMITATES GUNSHOT)

(SIGHS) I love the smell of stagnant swamp water in the morning.

Reminds me of Mypos.

Yo, ducks! I'm your worst nightmare!

Balki...

Is this good duck weather?

Oh, this is great duck weather.

The sky was just like this the last time

the ducks invaded Mypos.

There were hundreds of them.

They came in low, from the north.

They got in right under Radaros.

You mean Radar? No, I mean Radaros.

He's a little guy with baggy pants

who sits in a tree...

And looks up into the sky for ducks.

On the weekends, he's a wind sock at the airport.

Reconnaissance ducks!

(ULULATING)

No ducks! No ducks! No ducks.

Would you hold it down over here?

Mister... Yes, sir. Uh, sorry, uh...

Uh, Balki stepped on a...fish.

The pride of "The Chronicle" is in our hands.

You have nothing to worry about, sir.

Mr. Wainwright, if you can

try to take a few of the ducks alive, we can interrogate them.

It's just a little duck humor, sir.

Remember, kill as many ducks as you can.

We're here to have fun.

Balki, what if no ducks fly over?

Don't worry, cousin.

I have this.

(DUCK CALL)

I speak fluent Duck.

I know how to lure them, cousin.

It's an old, but effective trick.

I'll do the duck mating call.

(DUCK CALL)

Now remember, cousin...

They'll be in a mating mood.

So whatever you do, don't make eye contact.

Balki. What?

It worked. I see ducks.

Where? Off in the distance.

I hope I see the one who got Bippi!

(ULULATING)

Wait a minute! No, cousin!

(GUNSHOT)

Well, what did you do that for?

Well, I cannot let you kill them ducks!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

What are you doing? What is the matter with you?

Cousin, we cannot kill them ducks.

What do you mean, we cannot kill them ducks?

You hate ducks.

Them ducks aren't Myposian killer ducks.

Ducks is ducks.

You idiot.

I... Mr. Wainwright, it was my fault, I told him not to...

(GRUNTS)

He was covering for me, sir.

It won't happen again, sir.

And then you'll be unhappy.

Did I tell you how dashing you look in your hunting gear, sir?

Balki, we have to kill those ducks.

Now, those ducks are the same kind of ducks

Poor, helpless, defenseless, little Bippi...

Whose life became an empty shell.

Nice imagery, cousin, but I'm not buying it.

Them ducks is just little fluffy ducks.

Little fluffy ducks cannot pick up a 300-pound

sea turtle and fly away.

Bippi was a 300-pound turtle?

When I watched his diet, yeah.

And a duck carried him away?

What do these ducks look like?

Oh, cousin, they are terrifying.

They have a six foot wingspan.

And their skin is this

leathery armor-like material.

They have razor-sharp claws

And the backs of their heads come to a point...

Although they do have a rather disarming smile.

Balki, you just described a pterodactyl.

No, pteroductyl.

You say pterodactyl, we say pteroductyl.

You say to-may-to, we say to-mah-to.

My point is, let's call the whole thing off.

(MUMBLES)

No, Balki, Balki, Balki, Balki.

Believe me, if these were little fluffy ducks

I'd be the first one to say we can't kill them.

But those ducks were pteroductyls.

They were just too far away for you to recognize them.

So call 'em back, call 'em back

and knock as many of them as you can out of the sky

and you'll see them for the killer ducks

that they really are.

Boy, do we hate ducks!

disgusting, immoral ducks!

(GROANING)

You know, you're three floats short of a parade?

Alright, alright, Balki.

Maybe these aren't killer ducks.

But I have the opportunity of a lifetime here.

We are talking about my future.

On the way here, Mr. Wainwright called me Barry.

Do you realize how close that is to my real first name?

my career will take off! Please, please, please!

Please, come on, please, Balki, please.

Balki, Balki, Balki...

(DUCK CALL)

You're calling the ducks! Thank you! Thank you!

I'm not calling the ducks.

I'm calling to them to tell them

Now, we're going to just sit down right here

until Mr. Wainwright, publisher and duck murderer

decides it's time to go home.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Balki, nobody has shot a duck all day.

If I can get just one duck, "The Chronicle" will win

and Wainwright will love us. Call a duck.

No. No. Just one duck.

One duck that none of the other ducks like!

Forget it, cousin.

Ooh, oh, boy!

Hey, this little bugger's really putting up a fight.

But he's no match for me.

Yeah, yeah, I think this baby's a keeper.

Cousin, you know this-this... Ah!

This marsh is teeming with Myposian delicacies.

Look, I've got snails, slugs and grubs.

When we get home I'm gonna make a nice three-larvae salad.

Little raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

(DUCKS QUACKING)

Ducks!

Who needs you? (CHUCKLES)

If I get lucky here, my whole life changes forever.

(DUCK CALL)

You did that? That's right, I did.

(DUCK CALL)

(GRUNTING)

(DUCK CALL)

(LARRY GROANS)

(DUCK CALL)

(GROANING)

(DUCK CALL)

(GRUNTING)

Ha ha ha!

Now the duck call is under water and you'll never get it!

Balki, the duck call is made out of wood, it floats...

Here it is.

(DUCK CALL)

There! I've called them. Ha!

(LAUGHS)

What are you laughing at?

You just told the ducks

to migrate to Disney World.

(DUCK CALL)

(CHUCKLES)

You just told the ducks never to come back

because this marsh is going condo.

(DUCK CALL)

(CHUCKLES) You lost them, cousin.

Now you're speaking in goose.

(DUCK CALL)

A-ha! Oh, no, no!

No! No! No!

Ha! There they come!

(DUCKS QUACKING)

Cousin, no! No, I cannot let you do this!

You can't stop me!

(LAUGHS)

Balki! Stop it!

This is dangerous! Someone could get hurt!

Now, leave me alone! I know what I'm doing!

(GUNSHOT)

(MAN SCREAMING)

Oh, my lord!

MR. WAINRIGHT: Appleton, you idiot!

I just shot my boss in the butt.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

So, you had the opportunity of a lifetime

and you shot your boss.

Good career move, Appleton.

I would've been at "The Chronicle"

three years next month.

I'm really gonna miss you.

You can have it. Alright, thanks.

I'm gonna turn around now, Appleton. Don't shoot.

(LAUGHS)

Appleton, I've reconsidered.

You're not fired.

I knew you'd realize that I was a valuable employee

and that I make a valuable contribution to "The Chronicle"

and-and I knew you'd find it in your heart to forgive me, sir.

I'm not firing you because the union won't let me.

That's good enough for me, sir.

Wainwright was just here, and he left

and he said he's not gonna fire me.

Well, that was quick.

What did you leave on his desk?

A nice dish of three larvae salad

with a note saying it was from you.

Oh, my lord!

(THEME MUSIC)