Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the e nd

Standing tall

On the wings of my dreams

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dreams

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

I'm an old cowhand

From the Mypos land

And I learned to ride

Before I learned to stand

Balki, I'll see you later.

Jennifer and I are going to a movie.

(SNIFFING)

(SNIFFING)

What's that smell? I'm glad ya asked.

That's my rootin', tootin', high falootin' Texas chili.

Yee-haw!

I'm making it for my Western barbecue

I'm caterin' for this Saturday night

at Gorman's Banquet Hall.

Phoo-ching!

Good for you, Balki.

They, they're gonna enjoy chili.

(CHUCKLES)

Mm...

(COUGHS)

Hot, hot, ho-ho-ho...

(PANTING)

Nice shot.

Thank you, partner.

Well, who are you cooking for?

Well, a, a herd of Texans

have moseyed on up here to Chicago.

They're, uh, gettin' together

at Gorman's Banquet Hall

(LAUGHS)

You know, I, I never thought I'd say this

but could you talk the way you usually do?

Well, of course, I can.

Don't be rye-diculous.

Balki. Okay, okay.

It's just kind of fun talking in a Texan drool.

Drawl. Texas drawl.

Well, Balki, your catering business

is really taking off.

I mean, what is this, your fifth job in five weeks?

Well, I could have had a sixth

I didn't want to do two jobs on the same night.

Well, why not, Balki?

you've gotta grow.

Well, I don't know, cousin, I...

Most of me stopped growing when I was 16, although...

...I don't think my nose got the message.

No, Balki, I'm-I'm talking about expansion.

Okay, okay, maybe I've left my belt out a couple of notches.

No reason to get personal, shorty.

No, Balki, what I'm saying is

is that if you want your catering business to succeed

you gotta start taking more jobs.

Oh, well, I...

You know, I'm just starting out. I want to go slow.

Well, Balki, you've got to seize the opportunity

when it presents itself.

I'll put on some coffee.

Wait, no, no, no. No, this, this one is short.

Is it shorter than your Bunky McDermott story?

Yes, it's shorter than my Bunky McDermott story.

Probably a little longer than your Grandmama Appleton story.

Yes, it's, it's a little longer than my Grandmama--

Okay, so it's approximately

in between the Bunky McDermott story

and the Grandmama Appleton narrative.

All right, Balki, Balki!

Okay, okay, tell the story. Who's stopping you?

Uh, when I was eight-- Should I sit down for this?

When I was eight, uh...

My friend and I had this, this little, uh, lemonade stand.

And, uh, my friend suggested that we expand

and sell ice cream cones.

And I said, uh, "No, no.

And, uh, he went off and sold ice cream cones.

And if I'd listened to him, uh...

Today it would have been

Baskin-Appleton's 31 Flavors.

Well, that's a very nice story, cousin.

And it explains why regret eats up so much of your day.

But, uh, cousin, when I'm ready for more work

I'll let you know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, partner...

I gotta hightail it down to the general store

and rustle up some fixin's

for my Myposian-Western grub.

We use real grubs, you know?

Pfff. Ah!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Mr. Gorman?

Yeah, well, well, uh, I'm sorry, uh, Balki just rode out.

Uh, went out. Uh, well...

Oh, you-you want him to cater another party

on Saturday?

The Calorie Counters' Club.

Well...

Yeah, I think he could handle that.

Yeah, uh, well, all right, let me take down the information.

Uh, all right. Well, go ahead.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Now, now that's, uh, "Low salt, low fat, low calorie."

I got it. Yeah, I'll make sure Balki gets the information.

Yeah. No, thank you.

Bye-bye.

He is gonna thank me for this.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGS)

Don't hang up, don't hang up.

Oh. Wait.

Don't hang up, don't hang up.

Don't hang up.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello. Bartokomous-Appleton residence.

How may I direct your call?

who caters parties for Gorman's Banquet Hall.

Oh, come on, monsieur.

I am not the best caterer in Chicago.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, no, I'm not.

All right, okay, okay, maybe I'm in the top three. Um...

Uh, how can I help you?

A German party? For Saturday?

Well, uh, let me tell you, Gunther.

You see, I already have a job for Saturday.

And I try never to take two jobs on the same night.

Really?

Well, uh, that's what Cousin Larry says.

Cousin Larry.

Well, he's my best friend and advisor.

He's, uh, he's sort of my tormentor.

Well, maybe I could take two jobs

on the same night.

Well, uh, well, okay. I would love to cater your party.

Danke schoen. Thank you for all the love and pain.

Um, let me just get something to write on.

Okay. Okay, shoot.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh, cousin, I hope I did the right thing.

Taking two catering jobs on one night.

I hope I'm not breading myself too thin.

Balki, relax, everything is fine.

We've got all the food unpacked

easy access to the two banquet rooms.

Everything is perfect. I'll help in the kitchen.

And Jennifer and Mary Anne will serve.

Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

I was a waitress in high school, but it's been a long time

since I've served people food and drinks.

Mary Anne, you do that every day.

You're a stewardess.

Oh, right!

Uh, why don't we put out the silverware?

Um, where's the silverware?

Oh, okay, the silverware is in the car.

Uh, the forks and knives are in the glove compartment

and the spoons are in the back

next to the Garfield stuck on the window.

Well, you see, you have everything under control.

I knew you could do it.

Balki, the food for the Texas barbecue

smells delicious.

Oh, thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

So what are you making for the second party?

German food. German food?

Uh-huh.

for Calorie Counters?

Oh, boy, you got that right.

I would never serve German food to Calorie Counters.

(LAUGHS) Cherish the thought.

Good. So we're in agreement.

Well, you got that right.

So what are you really serving to the second party?

Um, wiener schnitzel and sauerbraten

with goatwurst pate.

Wiener schnitzel, sauerbraten with goatwurst pate?

Isn't that high in calories?

Not to mention, loaded with cholesterol.

Well, then why are you serving it to Calorie Counters?

Cousin, I'm not serving it to Calorie Counters,

I'm serving it to Germans.

W-w-wait, wait, wait.

Let's concentrate for, for just a minute here.

Party number one is Texans. Texans.

Party number two is...

Germans. Calorie Counters.

CROWD: (CHANTING) We want food, we want food!

we want food!

(BOTH) Oh, my Lord!

Well, I hope you're happy.

Now we're up the creek without a poodle!

How could you book a party for me without telling me?

I left you a note!

How was I to know it wasn't the party I booked for you?

Well, I didn't see your note!

You think I have ESPN?

Okay, we have the silverware. Everything's ready.

Everything's ready for two party

but unfortunately, we have three.

Larry!

Well, don't worry, I have...

BALKI, JENNIFER, MARY ANN: Oh, God!

...a plan!

and serve all three parties using the food for two.

Cousin, we cannot give the Calorie Counters this food.

It wouldn't be good for their diets.

Well, so we serve them some food

with a little salt and a little fat.

Have you seen them?

What difference will one meal make?

(COUNTRY MUSIC)

Balki...

just ready to chow down.

Well, Billy Joe Bob

Their grubs are on their way.

(LAUGHING)

Yee-haw!

(CHEERING)

We'll serve the Texans first.

Where's the costumes? Uh, oh, girls.

Your hats are right under there, under the counter.

Oh. All right.

Remember, Balki, small portions.

Okay.

Balki, stop!

(COUNTRY MUSIC)

All right, we'll serve the Germans next.

Okay, well, what about the Calorie Counters?

All right, well, we'll...

and serve it to the Calorie Counters.

Uh... Okay, cousin, we'll try it.

We'll try it your way because, surely

out of 347 plans you've had...

...one should work.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Bratwurst here Goatwurst there

That's what the Germans eat tonight

And we serve it up with pride

We can serve the second course without a lapse

Can we even do the strudel and the schnapps?

Uh-huh! Clever young chaps Clever young chaps

'Cause presentation's all

For the cowboys Germans Calorie Counters

Gorman's Banquet Hall Gorman's Banquet Hall

Ah-ha-ha woh-ho-ho Ah-ha-ha woh-ho-ho

Oh aha-ha-ha-ha

Oh!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Thanks, Jennifer. I got away just in time.

All right, time to feed the Germans.

Okay.

Oh. Um...

Now remember, Balki, go easy

on the sauerkraut and the wiener schnitzel.

Okay.

Okay, now this time let's not get separated.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Cousin, we are running this kitchen

like a well-soiled machine.

We want food! Excuse me.

We want food! Excuse me.

Excuse me!

We Calorie Counters are getting quite hungry.

We've finished with our tart and tangy tropical nectar.

It was very good

but it tasted a lot like sauerkraut juice.

When do we eat?

Uh, just soon, soon, very soon.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Ooh!

Now, remember, uh, one of the tricks to losing weight

is to eat slowly.

Yeah. Well, please hurry.

Some of us haven't eaten since lunch!

CROWD: We want food! We want food!

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Balki, my little freund!

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Uh, cousin, uh, Gunther seems happy.

I think, I think he's experiencing fahrvergnugen.

Ja, fahrvergnugen. Ja, ja, fahrvergnugen. Ja, ja.

Ja, and the party is wunderbar und the food, wunderbar.

Now we are ready for more food

and more frauleins!

Ah! Va-va-va voom!

(CHUCKLES) Auf wiedersehen!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

All right, Mary Anne, Jennifer, take care of the Germans.

Stay away from the guy with the pointed helmet.

Well, Balki, all we have to do is serve the Calorie Counters

then we're home free. My plan is working beautifully.

Cousin, there's just one itsy-bitsy little problem

with your plan.

What's that?

I only rented enough plates

and silverware for two parties.

Oh, catering is so much easier on Mypos.

You just toss the salad and everyone runs under it.

Well, Balki, we can handle this.

We'll just get the plates back from the Texans

wash them, and serve the Calorie Counters.

This is gonna be easy.

(CHATTER)

Balki! Ha ha!

These are some fine vittles you conjured up for us.

Well, thank you. Now, how was the food?

Balki, he loves the food. Oh, good.

Yee-haw!

All right, Balki, the plates. Get the plates!

Okay.

Yeah! And I'm ready to start on your buns.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh! Uh, oh, well, maybe later.

(LAUGHS)

Give me that steak before I get ugly!

Oh.

Now, you didn't eat all your beans.

Don't you want to be a member of the Clean Plate Club?

Balki, I wouldn't be tryin' to take food away from Bubba.

He'll rip your heart out through your back pocket.

Much obliged, mister, Mr. Bubba Sir.

Uh, you know, um, back on Mypos I knew a Bubba

who was about your size.

Of course, he had hooves.

Balki, I can't get the plates away from these people.

Neither can I.

I guess it's true what they say.

Cousin, if we cannot get the plates away

All right, we'll just let the Texans finish eating

and then we'll feed the Calorie Counters.

They won't starve to death

(CHATTER)

(CROWD SHOUTING)

If we're not fed immediately

they say they'll take hostages.

(CHATTER)

Okay, we gotta find some way to get them away from the tables

so we can get their plates.

Cousin, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

A game of Twister?

Wait, I've got it! I've got it!

At... All right, attention!

Your attention, please!

Uh, it's time for a square dance!

Here we go!

Time to dosey-do!

Time to yippi-i-o-ki-yay.

Please?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Time for a dance

Leave your table

(CROWD CHEERING)

Grab your girl before it's too late

Kick up your heels and leave your plate

Skip to the left and girl to the right

Walk her in a circle and hold her tight

(CROWD CHEERING)

Strum that guitar pluck that fiddle

Take two steps out and run to the middle

(CROWD CHEERING)

Swing your partner round and round

Any way you can except upside down

(CROWD CHEERING)

Allemande left and swing your dates

While the Mypiot collects your plates

(CROWD CHEERING)

CROWD: We want food!

You'd better hurry up!

They're using Bertha as a battering ram!

We want food!

Swing and in and out with the pretty little thing

(CROWD CHEERING)

If you're hungry you want another tater

Swing your partner across the floor

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PLATE SHATTERING)

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah.

Food!

(YELLING)

You wanna have some of that? Hold it, boy.

Whoa, boy!

Wunderbar! Let's party!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Calorie Counters grab a German

Squeeze 'em tight and feel 'em squirmin'

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Well, everything seemed to turn out all right.

Everybody got fed.

I, I liked the music.

Didn't you?

Good food, good friends, good fun.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, okay.

Maybe I'm, I'm partially to blame

for what happened tonight.

Mostly to blame.

All right, it was totally my fault.

I shouldn't have pushed him before he was ready.

But you know...

...I think you're gonna thank me for what I did tonight.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)