Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just

Get a feeling like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's going to stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long-lost friend

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze I'm bound for better days

Ahh ah aha ah

It's my life and my dream

And nothing's going to stop me now

I've been working in the mail room

All the live long day...

Oh, Balki.

Someone's in the basement I know oh oh

Someone's in the basement with Balki...

Balki.

Fee fi fiddly I oh

Fee fi fiddly I oh

Fee fi fiddly I oh

Oh...

Strummin' on the old banjo

Balki, you'll never guess what just happened.

I was sitting at the lunch counter and in walked the mayor.

Get out of the city council.

Did you talk to him? Talk to him?

I went right up to him, introduced myself.

He looked me right in the eye

I know I made a good impression.

I could tell as they were dragging me away from the table.

So what did you do for lunch? Well, uh, just the usual.

I went to the lunch truck and got a soda.

I went to the Wilcox building and got a job offer

went to the park and fed the pigeons.

You did what? I fed the pigeons.

And, cousin, the little pigeon with the broken wing?

I got him to eat out of my hand.

The job offer! Tell me about the job offer!

Oh, there's not much to tell.

Uh, Mr. Beekman, the building manager

wants me to be the head of the mailroom.

Balki, that is great!

More money?

Well, um, mmm-hmm yeah.

Uh, about twice what I'm making now.

And, cousin, the little pigeon

I think he's got a girlfriend.

Oh, I...I'm not sure I'm gonna take the new job.

Oh! Oh! Oh, holding out for more money.

I taught you well. It's not the money.

And you never taught me Bo Diddley.

It's just that I'm not sure I want a new job.

If I leave here I'd miss all my old friends.

Well, Balki, you'll make new friends.

At double your salary you can buy new friends!

Cousin, don't pressure cook me.

On Mypos we, we don't, we don't rush into decisions.

We, we just give them a lot of care

and thought and preparation.

Well, I guess that makes sense.

So on Mypos, when you're faced with a major decision

you climb to the top of Mount Mypos

and then you just sit there and wait for a sign from Destiniki.

Destiniki?

The God of Decisions.

He lives in the clouds

attended by his guitar playing daughter Domoniki.

Niki Niki.

Well, well, so what do you do?

Just stand around and wait

for a telegram to drop out of the sky?

Well, of course not! Don't be ridiculous!

When Destiniki determines that your decision is a done deal

you don't dare doubt him, dude.

You feel a tap on your shoulder

right there and then you feel

someone turns you around three times.

And then you hear a voice whispering in this ear...

And that's your answer.

Then of course you fall down on your knees and give thanks.

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Getting your decision from some spirit named Desenexos.

Destiniki.

Desenexos is the healer of foot fungus.

Well, I stand corrected.

And even if it weren't stupid, and I'm not giving that up...

Now, that you're in Chicago the chances of you finding

a mountain to climb are pretty slim.

(SCOFFS) Ha.

You pouting Thomas.

I find my mountain.

Now if you'll excuse me

I have to go home and prepare myself

for Destiniki's visitation.

First thing I'm gonna do, I'm gonna soak in a tub of Ovaltine.

What is that? Some kinda purification ritual?

No, it just opens my pores.

Appleton? LARRY: Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright?

Believe it or not I finally liked one of those memos

you slip under my door every day.

Well, thank you, sir. Uh, which one did you like?

I like the idea about having someone from the paper

live on a billboard until the Bulls losing streak is over.

I want to implement it immediately.

Oh, great! Who volunteered to do it?

Nobody volunteered. It's the middle of winter.

It's your job to get an employee up on that billboard

by game time tomorrow.

and I've arranged to use the billboard

on the top of the McIntosh building.

Well, who am I gonna get on such short notice?

Well, I'm, I'm very busy right now, sir.

They terrify me.

They, they make me hyperventilate.

That's your problem.

Just get somebody up there by one o'clock

tomorrow afternoon or it's your job!

Uh, yes, yes, sir! one o'clock!

I have the perfect man for the job!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Balki! Balki. Come out here! I have to talk to you.

Balki? Yeah?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Balki, where are you going?

Cousin, I found the mountain, and with any luck

Destiniki will find me and he'll come down

and he'll tap me on the shoulder, right there

and then he'll turn me around three times...

And then he'll whisper my decision in my ear.

So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I have a 12-hour bus ride

ahead of me to Mount Woolaroc.

Balki, you can't go to Mount Woolaroc.

Mount Woolaroc is an Indian name meaning

"Mountain Where Bad Decisions are Made."

General Custer sat on Mount Woolaroc

and decided to fight the Indians.

Somebody from the Coca Cola company went up there

and decided to change the original formula.

Shelley Long goes up there to decide which movies to make.

Well, cousin...

Thank you. You saved me a long trip to make a bad decision.

Although, would've been nice to meet Shelley.

Well, you only half helped, cousin, now I...

I have nowhere to go.

Well, alright, alright, don't panic.

Where could you go?

A high place. Waiting for a sign.

High...sign. High sign...

Placing yourself on a high sign...

I've got it!

The billboard on the top of the McIntosh building!

It's a high place, it's on a sign, you get an overview...

No, it would never work. Cousin! Cousin!

Don't you see the poetry of it?

Waiting for a sign on a sign!

Do you think so? Cousin, I think it's perfect!

Well. Alright, if you feel that strongly about it

I'm not gonna stand in your way.

You know, now that I think about it, it does make sense.

I mean, you get a good night's sleep

you go up there just in time for tip-off...

Did I say "Tip-off?" I meant "Take off."

Take off about 12:30, 12:45 at the latest.

Oh, cousin, I don't know how to thank you.

Hey, buddy, I'm here for ya. Oh, boy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I'll just, uh...

Help you get settled up here, then I'll be on my way.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Don't look down.

Don't look down, Balki.

Whatever you do, just don't look down.

Okay! I did it! You can do it, Balki.

Just as long as you don't look down, you'll be okay.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! No, no!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, cousin, you know what? You were right. This is perfect.

I know I'm gonna reach a great decision up here.

You know what?

This reminds me of Mount Mypos. Absolutely.

Except there are, there are no goats and no...

No eagles nests and no threat of volcanic eruption

and, uh, actually it-it doesn't remind me at all of Mount Mypos

but I love it! I just love it, love it, love it!

Love it, love it, love it! I just love it.

Balki! Balki!

Get away from the edge!

Cousin, I, I can see the parks from here!

Do you think my little pigeon friends

Steve and Eydie, ever come up here?

Will you forget about Steve and Eydie?

romantic nesting place it is.

(IMITATING A PIGEON)

Will you stop fooling around?

I'll punch you into next week!

And then I'll find you

and I'll dropkick you into last month!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, cousin...

Cousin, look down there.

Cousin, there's...there's television cameras down there

and...and all kind of people.

What are they doing looking at us?

Well, Balki, there's more than a little interest...

In your decision about your new job.

As soon as I know, you'll know!

Balki...they can't hear you.

Alright, well, I'll just, uh, leave you up here

and let you get settled.

Cousin, what do you want? Hmm?

Didn't you just tap me on the shoulder?

No.

Start in on your decision, and take all the time you need.

It's not something you wanna rush into.

If it were me, I'd take two, maybe three weeks.

Well, I can see you're involved in some kind of meditation.

So...I'll be on my way.

No, cousin, that won't be necessary. I'm coming with you!

No, Balki! Get off. Cousin, let me...

Get off! Get off! Get off the ladder!

(SCREAMING)

What is the matter with you?

You have an important decision to make.

You have to stay here.

Cousin, can't you see my new found knowledge has me glowing

like my Pee Wee Herman night light?

Alright, Balki, you can't do this.

Well, you can't stop me. Well, Balki.

You have to stay here.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

(CRASHING)

Yes, I do.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

My heart wants to believe that, that was an accident.

However, my eyes saw you deliberately

kick that ladder down.

I did it for you.

I did it to keep you from rushing into

a bad career decision.

I mean, shouldn't you be getting another opinion?

Isn't there someone else you can call?

Opinioniki?

Futurini?

What-should-I-do-ko-nou-ko-niki?

Listen, I want the truth and I want it now.

Alright.

and he's after you and this is the only place you'll be safe.

Cut the babasticki!

Alright, alright.

But I want you to know, I resent being pushed this far.

I suggested to Wainwright that, that somebody live

on this billboard until the Bulls losing streak ended

and he loved the idea and told me to get someone to do it.

Well, I'm afraid of heights

so I tricked you into coming up here.

Liar, liar, pants for hire!

Will you just tell me the truth?

Balki, that is the truth!

Doesn't it sound like something I would do?

It's selfish, manipulative, uncaring...

It does kind of sound like something you would do

but usually I have to threaten you

with bodily harm to get the truth.

No, Balki, that's the truth.

So...

You, you didn't care anything about my future?

You, you just used Balki?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I lied and I promise I'll never do it again.

Pfft!

Alright, I'll try never to do it again.

Pfft!

Alright, I'll try never to do it again, today.

Well, I guess that's as close as we're gonna get.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

(SCREAMING)

Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out.

But we're still stuck on the billboard...

Not necessarily, if the Bulls win

someone will be up here to get us and we'll be home free.

The game's on now, did you bring a radio?

Well, of course I did, don't be ridiculous.

The TV wouldn't fit in my backpack.

(MAN ON RADIO) What a basketball game we have here!

At a record setting pace the Bulls have scored

22 unanswered points, the score at the end of

the first quarter is Bulls, 34. Nicks, 6.

Did you hear that, Balki?

The Bulls have a huge lead.

Another couple of hours we'll be in our nice, safe apartment.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I can't believe the Bulls

blew a 28 point lead.

Cousin, I've been listening to that for two days.

If you say it one more time

I'm gonna throw you off the billboard.

I'm sorry, I won't mention it again.

Alright.

Yep, fresh as a tulip.

Cousin, you haven't even touched your breakfast.

Your yak links are getting cold.

Balki, please. I don't wanna look at another yak link.

I am sick of yak links.

Didn't you bring any other kind of food?

Cousin, yak links are nature's perfect food.

I have to get off this billboard.

Balki, if we stay up here we're gonna freeze to death.

Well, cousin, think of it this way.

There's another game tonight, if the Bulls win

then we can be home in time for supper.

You're right, you're right.

We still have a chance.

Any team with Michael Jordan is bound to win.

MAN ON RADIO: Good afternoon and welcome to the Bulls pre-game show.

And a special hello to those two guys on

the billboard waiting for the Bulls to win.

Cousin, that's us!

He, he mentioned us! We're famous!

And another special hello to Michael Jordan

who is home in bed with the flu.

What?

Luckily, the Bulls only have to play one game without Michael.

They've got a five-day layoff after today

and that should be plenty of time for him to get back

on his feet.

except those two jerks on the billboard.

Cousin, he mentioned us again!

I don't believe this!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Balki, I can't stay up here another five days.

I can't stay up here another five minutes!

We've gotta get off this billboard.

If we stay up here, we'll either freeze to death

or the wind will blow us off.

Balki, I have...a plan. Oh, God!

Do you see how close the blades of the windmill come

to that radio transmitting tower?

Now if we can get on one of those blades

we can reach out, grab the transmitter and climb down.

But, cousin, what if we fall off?

Then we'll be in a nice warm hospital!

Alright. Ready?

Now, when the blades come around, I'll grab the first one.

You grab the second one, hang on tight till it

swings us over to the transmitter, then grab on!

Got it.

Oh, no!

Help!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Balki, can you reach it?

No, I cannot! Can you reach it?

No!

You know, cousin, this reminds me of the Myposian World's Fair.

They, they had one rather large woman on it.

"The Human Rotisserie."

BALKI: Help!

Mama! Help!

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

"Chronicle employees Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous

"cling to the windmill on the Holland deodorant sign

"shortly before their rescue."

I look like a bat.

This is all my fault.

If I hadn't smashed the radio into a million pieces

we would've heard that the Bulls won the game

without Michael Jordan.

And we wouldn't have gotten stuck on that stupid windmill.

Well, look on the bright side, cousin.

We got sprayed with so much deodorant

we'll never sweat again.

Appleton! Bartokomous!

Nice work on that promotion, boys.

It's a great idea, Appleton, it created a lot of publicity

for the paper and for the Bulls.

Well, thank you, sir, but Balki deserves the credit.

Well, then, I guess I'll give you these, Bartokomous.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright. What is it?

The Bulls were so pleased with the publicity they've given you

two courtside seats for the remainder of the season.

Oh, Mr. Wainwright!

Thank you so much.

Enjoy them.

Oh, ho!

Balki, I'm sorry for all the trouble

I've caused you the last couple of days.

Oh, that's okay, cousin

Well, what's that?

Well, I have to figure out who to give the other ticket to.

That's a big decision, I guess I'm pretty much

on my way back up to that billboard.

Oh, come on, cousin, I'm just teasing

of course you can have the other ticket.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)