Original subtitles

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder the wind and haze ♪

♪ I'm bound for better days ♪

♪ It's my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna to stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Harriette, Harriette, come over and look.

The-the Christmas present my mother sent me from Mypos.

- Let me see. Let me see. - Got it today.

[all gasping]

Oh, Balki, it's beautiful.

Is it hand carved?

Yeah, yeah. It's a Davros cup.

It's made by the finest artist on Mypos.

Davros Praxiteles.

Look at the detail on it.

It take him one year just to carve one cup.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What is this?

Just because it's Christmas Eve

doesn't mean we're not still workin' here.

Come on. Clear the area. Let's go. Come on.

- Mr-Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley. - What?

Look, the beautiful cup my mother send me for Christmas.

I know, I heard. Your mother loves you.

She gave you a present. I'm all choked up.

[grunts]

Bartokomous, what are you doing?

You said you were choking.

I'm giving you the ham hock maneuver.

I'm over it.

[panting]

Cousin, cousin.

What? What? Were you mugged?

Worse. I went shopping on Christmas Eve.

'It's a madhouse out there.'

Look at this, huh?

What do you think?

Well, I don't know.

I think it's a little busy for you.

No, no, it's not for me.

It's for Jennifer.

Oh! Well.

In that case, it's quietly elegant.

Cost me a $125, but it's worth it.

I'm gonna give it to Jennifer at our party tonight.

'And just between you and me'

I think she's gonna be thrilled.

So, you're, uh, having a little Christmas party

tonight, eh, Appleton?

A party? Uh, well, no. We're not having a party.

I-I wouldn't call it a party...as such.

You know, just a few-few people getting together

and killing time.

I'll have watch that on

"Lifestyles Of The Rich And Boring."

You didn't ask Mr. Gorpley to the party?

No, I didn't ask Mr. Gorpley to the party.

Well, why not? He's gonna feel left out.

He is left out.

Balki, this is our first annual Christmas party.

I want it to be a time for all our friends to gather together

and share an evening filled with Christmas spirit.

If Mr. Gorpley came, he'd ruin everything.

Oh, come on. How can you say that?

It's easy. "He'd ruin everything."

I don't want him at the party.

[instrumental music]

Great news.

I'm free to spend Christmas with you.

What do you mean, "so what"?

No. I didn't ask my wife.

But I have a hunch

she doesn't wanna spend Christmas with me.

She's been remarried for two years.

'So how about it?'

Can I come over for Christmas?

No. No, I understand.

D-uh, no, you've got family coming over.

Yeah, okay, I'll try you again next year.

Yeah. Bye, mom.

- Mr. Gorpley-- - Dah! What?

Oh, ah, Bartokomous.

About tonight, cousin Larry and I ha-ha..

Cousin Larry and I ha-ha..

Cousin Larry and I are ha-ha..

What is the matter, Bartokomous?

You got tinsel caught in your throat?

No, I was wondering. Do you have a place to go for Christmas Eve?

[scoffs] Me? Sam "The Man" Gorpley?

I got invitations runnin' out my ears.

Do I have any place to go for Christmas?

What a laugh.

[laughing]

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! What a relief.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you.

- Funny, funny thing. - What?

Uh, for a, for a second over there

uh, well, I was going to-to ask you

if you wanted to come to our party.

Okay.

Okay? What?

Okay, I'll come to your party.

You will?

Yes, I will see you tonight.

- Okay? - Okay.

Okay!

Okay..

[instrumental music]

Perfect.

Okay.

Balki...

Would you look at this?

Is this gonna be a perfect Christmas party or what?

Wow.

Alright, now, the guests will be coming any minute.

I want you to try the eggnog.

Tell me if it's okay, huh?

Mmm. Perfect.

It is, isn't it?

Cousin, a funny, funny thing happened

while I was...um, taking down the decorations at work.

[gasps]

Napkins.

Um, I was, it-it all kind of..

I was just finishing

uh, taking down the decorations for Mr. Gorpley--

You know, I knew Gorpley was slime.

But making you work late on Christmas Eve

is a new low, even for him.

What do you think? What do you think?

Should I add another log?

I mean, here, I want, I want people to be warm

but I don't want them to sweat.

(together) Perfect.

Balki...it doesn't get any better than this.

Well, we gotta talk about that.

What could be better than a party at Christmas

with the people you care about?

How about this?

How about inviting someone to that party

who is, who is less fortunate than you are?

- Great idea. - Really?

We'll have to remember to do that next year.

Well, cousin, cousin

I took it upon myself to do it this year.

- You did? - Yeah.

Well, you are incredible.

Well, you don't know the half of it.

Well, so who is it?

Where did you find this unfortunate person?

Well, to answer the second question first

um, I met him down at the paper.

Beautiful.

Who is it?

You know what?

This is the best eggnog I have ever had anywhere.

Seconds?

Who is it?

[chuckles] Who is whom?

Who is coming to our party?

- What party? When? - The Christmas party.

The Christmas party we are having here tonight!

Oh, that Christmas party.

What was the question?

[knocking on door]

Oh, goodness, that might be Mr. Gorpley now.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

You invited Mr. Gorpley?

Are you crazy?

I specifically said I did not want him at the party.

Well, you also said that you thought the Christmas party

would be a time when all your friends would gather 'round

and share the Christmas spirit.

He is not my friend.

Well he is my friend.

And- and it's my party too, and I'm going to let him in.

I am not going let Mr. Gorpley ruin

the best Christmas party of all time.

Hah! Let me..

[speaking in Danish accent] Yah, who is there?

(Harriette) 'It's Harriette and I'm ready to party.'

It's Harriette.

(together) Oh!

[chuckles] Harriette.

Come on in. Merry Christmas.

[indistinct chattering]

- Hi, nice to see you. - Come on in.

Everybody just throw your coats off

and put your presents down.

And go help yourselves to some eggnog.

And let us know if there's too much nog.

[knocking on door]

Shh.

Cousin..

[speaking in Spanish accent] Hola. Who is it?

(Lydia) 'Ramone? Is that you?'

It's Lydia.

- Oh! - It's Lydia.

Come on in.

Ooh! Larry. Muy macho.

Feliz navidad.

[laughs]

Lydia, Lydia, so good to see you.

Come, sit down. Take off your wrap.

Thank heavens! Now, sit down..

[knocking on door]

Shh.

Cousin, would you..

[speaking in British accent] And who might that be?

(Mary Anne) 'Oh, sorry, we must have the wrong apartment.'

No, no, no, it's Mary Anne.

- Oh. - Mary Anne.

Hi, Jennifer, come on in.

Merry Christmas. You look...beautiful.

- What's this? - Mwah..

- Hey, come on.. - Oh.

Come on in.

Balki, what is going on?

Well, cousin Larry's having a nervous break dance.

Because..

...just because I invited someone to the party

who is a little less fortunate than we are.

Huh, real classy, Larry.

Well, that's very nice, Balki.

Now what's this guy's name?

- Mr. Gorpley. - Goodnight everybody.

[clamoring]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now, just because he's invited

doesn't mean we have to let him in.

When he knocks on the door, we'll all be quiet

and he'll think he's got the wrong apartment.

I can't believe this. No one can be that bad.

The man's a sleaze ball.

[clamoring]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Mr. Gorpley is not popular.

I get that.

And I'm in an okay place about it.

But let me just say this.

I invited him to this house

and when he comes here, I'm going to let him in.

[knocking on door]

Shh.

(Mr. Gorpley) 'Bartokomous, Appleton?'

Oh, what the..

(Mr. Gorpley) 'I know you're in there.'

'This has happened before, you know.'

This happened last year at Lydia's birthday party.

We tried to outwait him.

We sat in the dark for four hours

listening to the man pound on the door.

(Mr. Gorpley) 'It was five hours,

and I brought a sleeping bag this time.'

I guess we're gonna have to let him in.

Well, now I'm disheveled.

Now look, everyone.

You're gonna see that I'm right.

Deep down inside Mr. Gorpley

there is an ember of the Christmas spirit.

And if we just treat him with some kindness

I think we can fan it into a flame.

Good. I'll get the matches.

Harriette, you don't mean that.

Now, look, how about when we open the door

we give him a really beautiful "Merry Christmas"?

A really good one.

(all) Merry Christmas!

Mmm, how festive.

Looks like Kris Kringle threw up

all over your living room.

[instrumental music]

Having a good time, Mr. Gorpley?

Mmm, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

[laughs]

Ho-ho-ho.

Merry Christmas. It's Balki Claus.

It's present time. Present time.

[all cheering]

You must have all been good little boys and girls

because...Balki Claus has presents for all of you.

[all laughing]

'Okay.'

This one is for Harriette from Lydia.

(all) Open it.

Alright, alright. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Let's check, let's check it out.

- Oh, thank you. - That's real nice, Lydia.

They're givin' 'em away at the gas station with every fill up.

This one is "To Lydia from Harriette."

(all) Open it. Open it. Open it.

Oh, it's the new

"Nora True Blood Adam's Mystery."

- I've been dying to read this. - I know. I know.

I'll save you 600 pages. The Countess did it.

Why don't we see if he can swallow this side ways!

[clamoring]

Harriette, Harriette, sit down, please.

'Sit down please.'

This is not Geraldo.

Now, let me see here.

This one is "To Jennifer, from Mary Anne, your roommate."

- Oh. - 'Open it.'

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This one is "To Jennifer from Larry."

- 'Open it.' - Open it.

Wait, wait, wait, open mine first.

[all gasp]

(Jennifer) 'Oh, Mary Anne. This is lovely.'

But this must have cost you a fortune.

It did, $29.95.

Wow. I've seen 'em for a hundred and a quarter.

[laughing]

Why don't you open up the present from Appleton?

- I'm dying to see what that is. - 'Oh.'

This isn't really the-the time.

Oh, gee, thanks, Larry.

This is, this is really nice.

You know, you just can't have too many of these.

Yeah. Good move, Appleton.

Boy, I bet you feel like a real jerk.

Alright, that's it. You're out of here.

[clamoring]

Wait a minute!

Don't you see what's happening?

'Yeah! We're taking out the trash!'

Give him back. Let us have him.

You've turned into a Christmas mob.

Well, he's been askin' for it all night.

And we're gonna give it to him.

[clamoring]

Listen to me.

You don't want to hurt anybody.

Especially on Christmas Eve.

Oh, relax, Bartokomous. These people can't hurt me.

You think by throwin' me out of here

you're gonna spoil my Christmas?

Hey, I've had rotten Christmas' before.

Like the one, uh, three years ago.

When my wife said

"Merry Christmas. I'm divorcing you."

Or how about that one when I was in high school?

And I finally met my real father.

And he stuck around long enough to have a drumstick

and steal all the money that I had saved for college.

Or there was always the one when I was eight

and our trailer burnt down.

No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute, no.

That was a good Christmas.

I got to sleep in a real bed..

...at the Red Cross.

So don't worry about me getting hurt on Christmas.

It's not going to happen.

But it wouldn't be Christmas if somebody didn't try.

Happy holidays.

No, now, now, that's, that's okay, that's enough.

Come and sit over here. Come and sit down.

We, we-we can't let you go.

We-we, we haven't finished opening the presents.

I'm sure you can handle that without me.

No, we can't because, because, uh..

...one of the presents is for you.

Oh, what? Come on. For me, a present?

- Get real, Bartokomous. - I have never been realer.

I believe that this is your name on the tag.

"To Mr. Gorpley.

Have a Merry Christmas. From your friend...Balki"

Open it, open it.

Balki, that was a gift from your mama.

Why are you giving this to me?

I thought it meant a lot to you.

It does mean a lot to me.

It's a gift of love.

And my mother taught me that a gift of love

has to go to the one who needs it the most.

And right now, that's you.

I-I don't have a gift to you.

Yes, you do.

If, if you take my gift

then you're giving me a gift.

[instrumental music]

Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

I don't know what to say.

Nobody's ever...given me a gift

that meant something before.

[sighing]

I feel, uh, kind of strange.

Sort of, uh...warm.

Like I'm almost starting to like you people.

What you're feeling is the Christmas spirit.

Do you feel this every Christmas?

Except for Balki.

He feels like this every day.

- Merry Christmas, Mr. Gorpley. - Merry Christmas, Sam.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

(all) Merry Christmas.

I'm sorry I tried to lock you out, Mr. Gorpley.

I would have done the same thing in your place.

Uh, M-Merry Christmas, Appleton.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Hark the herald angels sing ♪

♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪

♪ Peace on Earth and mercy mild.. ♪

["Hark The Herald Angels Sing" instrumental]

[theme music]