Original subtitles

Ok, it's recording here.

Wait for the camera.

Oh... look at this one.

Actually, stand up... stand up.

No...

Yes... yeah...

Yeah...

Yeah... sit down, sit down.

How are you doing?

Good.

Yeah...

Lay down.

Ok...

You know how it is...

I gotta be able to pull it up.

Here we go, ok.

Oh, yes...

Stick it up for me, stick it up.

Ow...

Is that too hard?

Yes.

Better?

How about this cheek?

That too hard?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

It's too small.

It's too small.

What?

My dick is too small.

What do you think

I'm talking about?

- No, it's not. - I mean...

Let's see what you got here.

No... babe, come on.

I'm serious.

Like, the...

The movies I watch

or have seen, the people

you've been with, I mean...

I mean, look, look at this.

I mean, you know

what it looks like.

I mean, there's nothing here.

I mean there's nothing... here.

I love your penis.

I mean...

Come back to bed, ok.?

I'll be back in a second.

Ok.

Hey,

what's up, guys?

This is Paul from mysizematters,

and, uh, here to tell you all

about my results of the penis

enlargement pills.

These are the top four,

um, in my research

and here are the results.

The first two, the brown pills,

I do not recommend these.

They, uh, did nothing for me.

The pills on the far right, in

the funny-looking bottle, I

actually got side effects from

taking those and I had headaches

and nausea, and I wouldn't

recommend these to anyone.

The pills... the white pills,

I... are the winner

of this review.

They, um... I was feeling

results, uh, immediately,

almost, within, like, two days,

if you can believe that and, uh,

I'm taking them right now

and they're great.

Uh, my penis is getting bigger

every day, uh, longer, girth,

everything, um...

Hey, babe, you got a package.

Just doesn't make any sense

for me to pay rent on my place

when I'm here every night.

Plus, I buy all these groceries

and they go bad, 'cause I'm here

with you, cooking with you.

It's just, like, a vessel

that's just sitting there...

Ok, ok, ok... ok.

Oh, fuck yes...

Yes...

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah...

I don't know what else

to say to you.

I-I don't even understand

why you're being this way.

'Cause I love you.

Is it 'cause I got fat?

It's not because of anything

you really...

Then tell me what it is.

...did, it's just not...

What I want.

I just... you know, nothing you

can say is really going to...

Change any of that.

Then fine,

I'll go.

You don't care, do you?

You don't care that I'm leaving,

do you?

That's it?

You fucking asshole...

You fucking asshole.

Whoa...

This place is so cool.

This is like,

like a grown-up apartment.

This is like a, not like a

wriggly little, like a,

like a big... that's enough...

- Oh, whoa... - Is that enough?

- Yeah. - Here you go.

Does it even have

a big-screen TV?

Upstairs.

Mmm...

Upstairs, yeah.

How do you get up to the

top... or how do you get...

- Come here. - You have a

lot... mmm... oh...

You have a lot of balls

in your apartment.

Yeah, come on, let's, uh...

Is it an apartment

or is it like a whole...

I mean, I guess it's

technically an apartment.

I have two more floors,

and I have one...

Are there people up there?

Do you have a roommate?

No, no, no,

- no roommate. - No?

No cats, no dogs.

Guinea pigs?

No, no, nothing.

Are you sure?

Yeah, no, nothing.

Mmm...

Help me out.

Whoa...

Help me out.

You take that one off first.

- Yeah. - Wait, wait, ok.

Help me out.

- And up... - Yeah.

There it goes.

Oh, you have a sunburn.

Hey, wait... wait, wait,

wait... wait just a second.

I'll be right back, ok.?

I'll be right back, ok.?

Ok.

I'll be right back.

Get that fucking thing

away from me, you freak!

What the fuck?!

How do you get out of this

fucking place!?!

Oh, fuck!

Ah, you fucking freak!

Fucking freak...!

I know we both said

some things that we didn't

necessarily mean...

And I just think that if we talk

about it, it'd be all right.

Babe, can't we just be

mature and talk?

By the way...

I've always hated

your small dick.

Ah...

It's just you and me now.

Oh, but fuck it, it's cool.

I've waited for you for so long.

Ah... nobody else seems to

like you, oh, but I love you.

♪ Off night teens

with lesser guides ♪

♪ enough of my

old ways ♪

♪ off white scenes,

messed and lined ♪

♪ who are you? ♪

♪ And where am I...? ♪

How's it going

in there?

Fine.

Do you think you might be

ready soon... baby?

Sure.

What do ya think?

That they're silly?

No.

They're so cool.

Ok.

Are you wearing

underwear under here?

Yeah, why?

Why are you wearing

underwear?

What?

Nah, you're just supposed

to wear the tights.

Seriously?

Yeah, will you change?

Go stand in

the doorway.

Turn around.

Take your bra off.

Lean against the door.

Will you rub your breasts?

I want you to play

with yourself.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hey.

Wake up.

Wake up.

One second.

Oh, sorry.

Yep.

Thanks.

So what were you saying

about, before?

I just... I've been

masturbating constantly.

I can't... I get turned on

all the time.

I don't know how to stop it.

Well, what sets you off?

Like... heat.

Like the coffee cup turns me on.

And then, like, other types of

drinks, like beer bottles have

been really turning me on.

Like the shape of it, like that

shape of coke in the bottle,

that would turn me on too.

Or like, like riding my bike

turns me on... and, like...

Really narrow streets

turn me on.

And then the sidewalk, when it

gets kinda sparkly, like at the

end of the street... by, like,

where it goes into the actual

street, when it gets

sparkly there.

That does something to my eyes

and that turns me on.

People in uniform, like, not so

much police officers, but like

mailmen, that really turns--

like U.P.S, and also the boxes,

the wrapped-up boxes, that's

really, that's really sexy.

Cards, like, playing cards.

Particularly... the royals,

like the Jack, and the queen

and the king.

Mmm.

I don't know.

Well, that's ok.

Maybe you're just not fulfilled,

you know?

Like, you know when you

want chocolate?

And you don't eat chocolate,

and you just keep eating things

and eating things.

Yeah.

And when you should just

have chocolate.

But what's the chocolate?

I can't figure it out.

Maybe you need to be

a gasper.

What?

A gasper.

When you strangle yourself.

Oh... have you tried it?

It's kinda sublime--yeah.

You, it like gives you this

natural high.

Yeah, I've done it, once.

How does it work?

It's pretty amazing.

You can take a belt or a plastic

bag or some people use, like,

gas to take the oxygen out of

the room.

Pretty much anything that cuts

off oxygen to your brain.

You might as well try it,

I mean--

yeah, it couldn't hurt.

Hey, baby, you home?

You could have hurt yourself.

I know, I'm sorry.

Are you mad at me?

I just wish that you would

have told me, because...

I could have helped.

Really?

It's a lot safer with

a partner.

Do you want to try?

Do you want to use the belt

or just my hand?

I don't know, the belt didn't

work so well last time.

Why don't you unbutton

your pants?

I'm gonna cum.

Ok.

All right, are you done?

No, no, you can cum, baby.

It's not working.

Do you want me to leave

you alone?

No, it's not you.

It's just my vagina.

Damn thing.

It's just not working

anymore.

I hate it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Just my body's real

different, you know?

Like how the book said my

cervix was just like swollen

and bigger.

And it just hurts if you

go real far in.

Yeah, I don't really know

what that means.

It just means

it's different, I don't know.

I don't care,

I mean, is there something

I can do?

I don't know.

Is there something that you

want me to do that you're

not telling me?

No.

Definitely if I knew what I

wanted you to do, I'd tell you

what to do.

- Ok. - I promise.

It does stink, but I still like

having you inside of me and

I still like making you cum.

I do.

That makes me feel good.

That's your good deed

for the day?

Yeah.

I promise I'll tell you if

there's something that you

can do.

All right.

Love you.

I love you, too.

It's just that,

it's just you feel a little bit

less turned on.

I bet it's just the hormones.

No, I feel turned on.

You don't understand what

I'm saying.

I feel turned on.

I wanna have sex.

I have sex and I start to have

an orgasm and then it's like a

weird, incomplete, like,

not fulfilling orgasm.

Sounds like hell.

It's terrible!

And then I just get mad and I

feel bad for frank, 'cause,

like, he... I mean, I feel

- bad for him. - Yeah.

'Cause sex isn't as fun.

Like, he still cums, but it's

like, that's it.

It's basically like masturbating

inside of me.

I know, it sucks.

But I'm hoping, you know,

once the baby's born,

that won't happen anymore.

Well... better not!

Oh, he's moving.

Do you want to feel him?

Yeah.

Here, he's like right here.

Do you feel it?

There he is!

He's wiggling.

I forget that this is the

outcome of having sex sometimes.

He likes all this

orgasm talk.

Does he--can I hear him?

I don't know, maybe.

...she thinks that she could

give me an orgasm.

I'm sure she does.

But, like, I was thinking

about... just, like, letting her

do that, or would that make you

mad if she tried?

Wouldn't that be weird

for you, though?

I mean, it would be a little

weird, 'cause we're friends,

but I think--she doesn't seem

to think that it would

be weird, and...

- Safe. - Yeah.

Yeah, we could do that.

Yeah?

Yeah, no, why wouldn't we?

It wouldn't make you mad?

No, no.

It's--I'd be down.

Do you like that idea

a little bit?

Do you?

I kinda like it.

Sexy?

- A little bit? - Little bit.

I think it might be

interesting.

No harm, right?

No harm.

And we, actually, need to

take that box, that crib box,

and bring it in, and take

everything out of it and make

sure it's not damaged or

anything.

So that we can make sure we

don't have to send it back.

Before we put it together?

Before we put it together.

Ok.

Because I want it to be

together before the baby

shower, right?

"We'll be right back! Mwah!"

...the registered stuff, yeah.

It's really--I'm excited to

pick out, like, the things that

are going to be in the room

and stuff.

I know! I know.

That's pretty cool.

Hi, baby.

It's nice that you get to

pick them out, and not all of

the four hundred people who are

picking presents.

I know, right!

That's how it used to be,

- you know? - I know.

Like everyone would just,

like, get you and you just had

to be, like...

Right, had to be nice.

Yeah.

Get, like, crosses,

lots of silver--

I wonder when registry stuff

started, you know?

Babe, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Frankie...

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Did you think that this was

going to be, like, all of us?

Nope.

We think this is just going

to be, like, just two of us,

alone... I'm sorry, babe.

- Ok, yeah. - I'm sorry.

Nah, that's all right.

Poor boy.

So, anyway, I am excited

to decorate.

You got a light by

any chance?

Uh, yeah.

...would just keep to my room

to go like this.

Now I know what guys are talking

about when they're like--

I feel like guys come up with

a lot of weird metaphors for

what boobs feel like.

Yeah.

One guy told me once that my

boob felt like a life jacket.

That's amazing.

And that it was, like,

really sexy.

I think, yeah, I think it was

that he touched a life jacket

when he was 10 and was like,

"this is what boobs feel like!"

And then, later on they didn't

really feel like that, but...

What was that?

Here I come.

I don't know if you can do

that with the other

person's clothes.

What are you going to do

to me with that?

I don't know, it's supposed

to be sexy.

I think I have it all

the way turned up.

I think this is a little much.

You have to ease into

that level.

Ok, ok.

This is fun.

I'm having fun.

Me too!

That is so beautiful.

Such a woman.

I guess I knew that, but--

oh, that feels good.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

So you really can't put

a bra on like that?

No.

Why is that?

'Cause your boobs cover it.

Yeah, but if I try and put

a bra on like that and it'll

be like...

There's just no way that this

can spin around and, like,

because my boobs are too big.

You know what I mean?

It's not a problem that I've

had, but I do know what

you mean.

Hi!

Were you out here

the whole time?

Thank you!

Thank you.

It was good to see you.

Good to see you too.

I'll see you soon.

You can come in now.

What are you doing over there?

Measuring.

Did you feel left out today?

Mm-hmm.

- I'm sorry. - It's ok.

Thanks for letting me have

that experience, though.

Love you.

I love you, too.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Mmm, ooh.

That's a new thing you're doing.

Yeah?

What is that thing?

It's new.

Where'd you learn that from?

I don't know.

I like that.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

More?

More please.

- More please. - More please.

Oh, that feels good.

Fuck, yeah...

...oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god.

Oh, shit.

Walter, shut up!

Quit bark--

I love you.

...oh yeah.

Oh, that's the one.

Oh, yeah.

...oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, are you gonna cum?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, you are?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

...oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna cum, oh!

...fuck.

- I'm thirsty. - Ok.

I'm going to get something

to drink.

Oh, shit.

Hello?

Um, can I speak

with Richard?

Yeah, this is him.

Hi, this is Ann.

Do what, now?

I'm sorry, you're gonna have

to speak up.

Ann.

Do what? What'd you say?

Rand? Hello?

Ann!

I'm sorry, what?

Seriously, I can't hear you.

It's Ann!

Oh...

Hey, how ya doing?

I'm good.

How are you doing?

Pretty good.

Pretty good, not bad.

Good.

Glad to hear.

Um... actually, I'm calling,

because I'm wondering if you

might still have, uh,

my box of stuff.

Uh...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I do.

I got that shit.

Ok, well, good.

So would you mind if I stop

by and pick it up?

Sure, like right now?

Um, how about tomorrow?

Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Maybe, like 3:00?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Should I e-mail you my address?

Uh, yeah.

Actually, I still have the same

e-mail address as I did before,

so, just e-mail it.

Ok.

Ok, cool.

Ok, well...

Guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, awesome.

I'll see you then.

Ok, well, bye.

All right, bye.

...we'd gotten rid of a

lot of stuff and drove across

the country, and I didn't want

- to rent a u-haul. - Uh-huh.

And so, we moved, we moved in

in September and then we, we

just kept all the furniture,

which sounds disgusting, but

I've gotten so used to it, that

it doesn't bother me anymore.

Yeah.

I've like--we sprayed down

the leather and it felt like--

if it was cloth, I couldn't do

it, 'cause of bed bugs.

Yeah, you can have sex on

leather and just wipe

it right off.

But don't you find the Polish

glass to be a little gaudy?

I mean, it's like--

we've always talked about

moving it, and it's just always

been one of those things that,

it's just, it goes with the

aesthetic that until we replace

everything, we can't switch out

one thing.

Right, so it's like once you

switch out the vase, then all of

a sudden the coffee table's

ruined and then you got to go

with the couch.

Yeah.

Who were you talking to?

I wasn't talking to anybody.

You were on the phone.

Nosey.

Well, we could hear you.

You were shouting.

Was nothing.

Hey, you downstairs?

Yeah, just come on up.

All right.

Ow, shit!

Oh, shit.

Hey!

Hi!

Oh, my god.

You look great!

Thanks.

Did I come at a weird time?

Uh, oh, no.

Well, I just got out of the

shower, but um, here, come in.

Oh, ok.

I, uh, didn't realize you

were going to get here so early.

Well, I'm actually a

little bit late.

Oh, really?

Yeah, come on in here.

Yeah, I don't have any clocks

in here.

Oh, I see.

Just right here.

Wow.

You like it?

This is where you live.

Yeah, I spend a lot of

time here.

Oh, man.

Here, take a seat.

Ok.

I just got this.

So, is everything ok.

With you right now?

Um, yeah, everything's

great, actually.

What about with you?

Yeah, things are great.

That's cool.

Do you have that box,

still, you said?

Oh, right, yeah.

Can you just go get that box?

You want me to go get it

- right now? - Mm-hmm.

Ok.

Uh, I guess, I guess I can just

go ahead and get dressed

right now.

Do you, should I get dressed?

I think so.

Ok, well, I'll be right

back, ok.?

Ok.

Whoa!

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, look at that.

Box of stuff.

That's my old Christmas tree.

That's right, it is.

Oh, I missed it!

What's going on here?

Oh, nothing.

I was actually just looking

on there.

Yeah?

Yeah, I was looking on there.

Your computer.

Yeah, you know.

That's what it's there for.

Yeah, well, what I was

looking to see if I could

find those files.

Um?

Those files, the movie

files from our past.

That we made.

That we star in.

Oh...

You mean the sexy videos?

Those are the ones.

Yeah.

Did you want to watch them

or something?

No, I didn't.

I was just gonna, I mean, do you

still have those files on there?

Yeah, oh yeah, of course.

Of course.

I mean, I was thinking...

I don't know, do you still

need those movies?

No, I don't know,

I mean... you know?

Can we delete them?

Why?

Those movies.

I was just wondering.

We could...

I just thought while I was here,

you know, getting this stuff,

we could just take care of

that stuff.

You know, just get rid of them.

Wipe them out.

I don't understand.

I mean...

I'm getting married,

and you know, I just thought...

Oh, right.

Just, get rid of those,

and uh, just the right thing

to do, you know?

Yeah, um, uh, yeah.

Oh, god, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you fucking bitch.

Oh, yeah, you bitch.

Just get rid of them.

Move on.

Maybe if you got something

new from her, you know?

Like, one new thing in exchange

for getting rid of all the

old things.

It's just an idea.

Huh.

All right, so, the other day,

whenever we deleted those

files... um... I wasn't totally

honest with you about those

being the only copies.

Ok.

Ok, but the thing is,

I will delete them.

I'll delete them today,

right now, but first I need

you to do something for me

really quick.

Ok, I am not going to

have sex with you.

Oh, no-no-no-no.

No, no, it's not like that

at all, ok.?

This is just a little thing

that'll take like five, maybe

10, 15 minutes, and you'll be

in and out of here.

Ok.

It's not a big deal.

So, I'm not exactly sure how

this works, but if I mix these

three things together, and then

if you sit in it for five

minutes, it should make a

mold of your pussy.

If you do that, I'll delete

the videos.

Here, try like a crab,

crab walk kinda thing.

Ok, ok.

This isn't easy.

I can't even tell if

I'm over it.

Yeah, you are, you're good.

Come forward, come forward.

Ok, bring it down.

Bring it down.

I don't know, this is, this

is really hurting my arms, and I

can't do that for five minutes.

Ok, ok.

Hurry, hurry!

I mean, it's... I mean, we...

You're gonna have to do it right

now or it's not going to work.

There you go.

Eww!

Oh, it's really cold.

Ok.

Here, kinda, kinda adjust

a little.

Ok.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Ok, ok, ok.

Oh, I hate you.

Don't move.

Don't move.

I really do hate you.

Don't move.

Ok, ok.

Eww, this stuff smells horrible.

Sorry.

Oh, my god.

Don't look at me.

Jesus!

Sorry.

You should probably never

contact me again.

Ok.?

Ok.

Thank you!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

I think I'm gonna go.

My girlfriend's been acting

really weird.

Oh, hey, how'd that, uh,

fake vagina thing go?

Oh, it went great.