Original subtitles

WOMAN: EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY. IT'S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.

[HONKING]

JESUS CHRIST!

[WHISTLING]

♪ YOU GO CRAZY BUT I DON'T MIND ♪

FUCK!

♪ YOU'RE GONNA WISH

♪ YOU NEVER LEFT MY SIDE

♪ YOU SHALL SEE

[CARS HONKING]

I CAN PROVIDE A WOMAN WITH PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING SHE WANTS.

SAUSAGE INCLUDED. [CHUCKLING]

♪ OUR LOVE'LL BE SO GOOD

♪ YOU SHALL SEE

♪ SHE WAS MEANT FOR ME

-OH.

-HOW YOU DOING, BABY? -FINE.

HERE'S MY CARD.

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT KEYS TO BEING A SCAMMER,

IS TO TRY AND GET THEIR NUMBER AND GO TO THEIR PLACE, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.

HOMELESS GUYS GOT IT FUCKIN' MADE. FORGET ABOUT IT.

HI. MM.

SHIT!

I'VE SLEPT WITH NINE WOMEN. I KNOW, I KNOW, LIKE NINE WOMEN BY THE TIME YOU'RE 26.

I KNOW. IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING A VIRGIN, BUT I LIKE TO THINK THAT I'M JUST PICKY.

THANKS.

HEY, MAN, WHERE THE FUCK'S MY TIP?

-IN YOUR PANTS, DICKHEAD. YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN A LEFT. -BASTARD.

NICE! REAL NICE!

FUCK OFF, JERK.

YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU? GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER. I'LL CALL YOU LATER

AND SEE IF WE CAN MAKE A NICE LITTLE BRAD SANDWICH.

WOMAN: DON'T TOUCH ME!

JONATHAN AND ZEKE: BRAD!

HEY, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

-NOTHING, MAN. -HOW YOU DOING?

-WHAT'S UP, BROTHER? -AFTER YOU.

♪ OH, YOU COME KNOCKING ON MY FRONT DOOR

♪ YOU'RE GONNA BE SO SAD I DON'T LOVE YOU NO MORE

♪ 'CAUSE YOUR LOVE IS TAINTED YOUR LOVE IS FRUSTRATED

♪ YOUR LOVE IS MISMATED

♪ YOUR LOVE IS A RIVER A RIVER RUN DRY ♪

[BEEPING]

♪ YOU GOT MANY PLANS BUT I DON'T MIND

♪ I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU LEFT ME BEHIND

♪ BUT WHEN YOU REALIZE YOUR BIG MISTAKE

♪ YOU'LL SAY YOU WAS WRONG BUT YOU'LL BE TOO LATE

♪ BECAUSE I'LL BE LONG GONE

♪ AND YOU WILL FIND SHOULD HAVE NEVER LEFT MY SIDE ♪

-[CHATTERING] -YEAH, I'LL GO GET YOU A FORK.

BRAD: SO YOU SEE, I'VE GOT THIS CHICK BACK AT MY APARTMENT.

AND SHE THINKS I'M HER BEST FRIEND'S BROTHER.

-WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK THAT? -'CAUSE I TOLD HER I WAS.

ONLY WAY SHE'D COME HOME WITH ME.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW HER BEST FRIEND?

OF COURSE NOT. I NEVER KNOW THEIR BEST FRIENDS.

BUT IF THEY BELIEVE I KNOW THEIR BEST FRIENDS, THEN I'M, LIKE, SAFE.

-THAT'S GENIUS. -WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SAFE"?

SAFE, YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE,

SHE WANTS TO KNOW YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON BEFORE SHE LETS YOU IN.

IT'S KINDA LIKE THE COLLEGE CONNECTION. WHEN YOU MEET A CHICK IN COLLEGE,

SHE AUTOMATICALLY FEELS COMFORTABLE TO LET YOU NAIL HER.

SHE THINKS YOU HAVE THIS COMMON BOND ALL BECAUSE YOU GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE SAFE.

FUCK THIS SAFE BULLSHIT. DID YOU BONE?

AH, WELL, LISTEN, OKAY? I WAS AT THIS CLUB...

-WITH SOME GUYS FROM WORK, RIGHT? -MM, MM, MM.

-CHECK OUT THOSE SWEET HONEYS. -THAT HO' IS FLY.

LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING LOSERS OVER THERE. THEY'RE TOTALLY CHECKING US OUT.

PIGS! SO DESPERATE.

I BET THEY'RE A BUNCH OF LAWYER OR WALL STREET ASSHOLES.

-THEY WANT LAWYER ACTION. -BULLSHIT!

CHICKS DON'T DIG THAT LAWYER RAP, THEY WANT WALL STREET.

-WALL STREET! -[CLAMORING]

-YEAH, PIGS. -I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT THAT BLONDE ONE'S KIND OF A HOTTIE.

-WHATEVER. -YEAH, RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

-I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF THEY CAN HANDLE ME. -GO GET 'EM THEN, TIGER.

-[LAUGHING] -YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

THESE CHICKS ARE ALL OVER ME, MAN.

I'M GOIN' IN.

-[CHANTING] Brad, Brad, Brad. -HI.

HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

EXCUSE ME.

-I-I'M SURE I'VE MET YOU BEFORE. -OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

-MAYBE THROUGH A FRIEND. -SHE'S NOT INTERESTED, OKAY? JUST GO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? MAYBE IT'LL COME BACK TO ME.

-I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED, SO... -LOOK, I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU, YOU TOTALLY LOOK LIKE ONE OF MY SISTER'S FRIENDS,

AND I WANTED TO COME OVER AND SAY HI, SORRY.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHO'S YOUR SISTER?

[LAUGHING]

JEN.

YOUR JEN'S BROTHER?

-I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOU FROM THOSE PICTURES. -GET OUT OF HERE.

-I HAVEN'T SEEN JENNY SINCE COLLEGE. -WOW!

HOW DID YOU KNOW TO SAY JEN?

EVERY CHICK'S GOT A FRIEND NAMED JEN. IT'S COMMON NAME OUT THERE.

IT'S LIKE SAYING YOU HAVE A FRIEND NAMED PETER.

DUDE, SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK YOU YOUR LAST NAME?

BRO, SHE WANTED ME SO BAD, ALL SHE NEEDED WAS THE LINK.

-[LAUGHING] -YEAH, SO THEN WHAT?

WELL, I FED HER MORE BULLSHIT ABOUT JENNY,

AND AFTER ABOUT 20 MINUTES, SHE WAS BEGGING TO JOIN ME BACK...

AT THE STABBIN' CABIN.

♪ STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE

♪ STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE

♪ STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE STICK IT IN THE FRIDGE ♪

BOY, VERY STYLING PLACE YOU HAVE.

-NOT HALF AS STYLING AS YOU. -REALLY?

YES.

BRAD: SHE IS ALL OVER ME.

OKAY, SHE IS SO FIRED UP AND REARING TO GO, THIS CHICK IS NOT WASTING ANY TIME.

SHE'S LIKE A FUCKING GORILLA ON ECSTASY.

[MOANING]

[BELT BUCKLE UNBUCKLING]

-[ZIPPER UNZIPPING] -[MOANING]

I'M IN BRAD HEAVEN, JUST ABOUT TO GET SMOKED,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE STARTED CLEANING MY TAILPIPE.

[GRUNTING]

-OH, MAN, THAT'S AWESOME! -THAT'S NOT AWESOME. IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING.

SHE TOSSED YOUR SALAD. THAT'S RIGHT OUT OF A PORNO FILM.

YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH SOME PEOPLE PAY FOR THAT?

THAT'S GOTTA BE THE BEST BLOW JOB STORY YET.

NO, MORON, YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

SHE COMPLETELY PASSED OVER MY DICK AND WENT STRAIGHT FOR THE ASS.

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT? SOME PEOPLE WAIT THEIR

-WHOLE LIVES FOR A RIMMER. -YEAH, WELL...

-WELL, COME ON, YOU GUYS KNOW HOW BAD MY STOMACH IS, RIGHT, -EWW.

AND HOW I'M CONSTANTLY TAKING SLOPPY DUMPS AND SHIT?

ZEKE: THAT'S HER PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

BRAD: IT BECAME MY PROBLEM.

NO.

NO.

[GROANING DISGUST]

-DUDE, THAT SHIT'S DISGUSTING. -YEAH, NO SHIT.

DUDE, YOU'RE TOTALLY GROSSING ME OUT. YOU TASTED YOUR OWN ASSHOLE.

-NOT BY CHOICE, ALL RIGHT? -LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT. MAN, ZEKE, YOU'RE UP.

OH, NO, MAN, THAT'S SICK. I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN TOP THAT.

WELL, TRY, 'CAUSE SHIT LIPS OVER HERE IS BUGGING ME OUT.

-[LAUGHING] FUCK YOU. -ALL RIGHT, CHILL.

I WAS AT BELL CAFE, RIGHT, WRITING.

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SEE THESE TWO FINE HONEYS...

ALL OVER MY WOOD,

ALL OVER IT.

SO, I'M TRYING TO WORK, AND I REALIZE THEY'RE TOTALLY FOCUSED IN ON ME.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA GET ANYTHING DONE. SO I'M THINKING,

-OPPORTUNITY'S A-KNOCKING. -I DON'T GET IT.

IF I WALKED INTO SOME BEATNIK COFFEE SHOP AND SAW SOME UNEMPLOYED DIRTY FREAK,

LIKE YOURSELF, WRITING IN A DIARY,

I WOULD SIT AS FAR AWAY AS FUCKING POSSIBLE FROM THAT LOSER.

AHH, BUT THAT'S YOU, BRAD,

AN ASS-KISSING... NO PUN INTENDED, SUIT FROM THE UPPER EAST SIDE.

WOMEN LOOK AT YOU, THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE GETTING.

I, ON THE OTHER HAND, AM AN EAST VILLAGE ENIGMA.

I SECRETE MYSTERY. WOMEN DIG MYSTERY.

-THAT, COMBINED WITH THE PHEROMONES... -THE WHAT?

THE PHEROMONES. THE ELECTRICITY

I GIVE OFF THAT SENDS CHICKS CLIMBING THE WALLS AND SHIT.

THEY SEE ME, THEY SMELL ME, THEY FUCK ME!

[LAUGHING]

YEAH, OKAY, GUY.

-SO, ANYWAY, WHICH ONE DID YOU CHOOSE? -FUCK THAT, I TOOK 'EM BOTH.

BRAD: NICE!

[MOANING]

JONATHAN: DAMN, YOU GOT BOTH CHICKS BACK AT YOUR CRIB? ZEKE: DAMN STRAIGHT!

THESE GIRLS WERE FUCKING PROS, DUDE.

THEY WERE DOING ALL KINDS OF SHIT TO ME I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED.

[MOANING] JONATHAN: LIKE WHAT?

EVER HEAR OF AN INVERTED DOUBLE TEA-BAG SLIDE?

NO WAY!

-DUDE, THE SEX WAS AMAZING. IT WAS LIKE A GIFT FROM GOD. -YOU WRITING THIS SHIT DOWN?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOUR NEXT SCREENPLAY SHOULD BE ABOUT.

-HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU BONE? -BOX WORTH.

THREE TIMES?

-YOU KNOW I ONLY BUY 12-PACKS, ASSHOLE. -[CHUCKLES]

-BRO, THESE CHICKS SOUND PERFECT. - NOT EXACTLY PERFECT.

-WOMAN: OKAY, SHH. -[TV BLARING]

-HE'S NOT LOOKING. - THE NEXT MORNING, THEY STOLE MY TV.

-THEY WHAT? -FUCKIN' STOLE MY SET.

-YOU THINK THAT WAS THEIR INTENTION FROM THE START? -DEFINITELY.

I'M SURE OF IT. I BETCHA THESE BITCHES...

DOUBLE-TEAM GUYS ALL THE TIME, JUST SO THEY CAN CARRY OUT MORE SHIT.

IT'S A PRETTY GENIUS OPERATION, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE THEY FUCKED YOU, LIKE THEY GOT THE BETTER OF YOU?

OH, THEY FUCKED ME, ALL RIGHT, IN A WAY I'LL NEVER FORGET.

IT WAS WORTH A TV. IF THEY COME BACK, I'LL THROW 'EM A FUCKING TOASTER.

[ALL LAUGHING]

THAT'S FUCKED-UP SHIT.

YEAH, BOTH OF YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY, MAN. SHIT LIKE THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME.

IT'S 'CAUSE NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO YOU.

[LAUGHS] YEAH, WHO'D YOU SCORE?

-OR DID YOU SPEND ANOTHER WEEK IN TUGGIN' ROOT? -FUCK YOU, MAN.

I HAD MULTIPLE LADIES ON MY TIP

-MULTIPLE, MY ASS. -YEAH, BETTER YOUR ASS THAN BRAD'S.

[SCOFFS] FUNNY!

SO, ANYWAY, I WAS AT-I WAS AT STROKES WITH MY FIVE KNUCKLEHEAD FRIENDS, RIGHT?

THERE WERE LIKE SEVEN FINE HONEYS AT MY DISPOSAL.

PLACE WAS SO RIPE, I HAD MY PICK.

ALWAYS TALKING A BIG GAME.

NO, SERIOUSLY, THEY WERE ALL SITTING THERE WAITING.

ALL I HAD TO DO WAS GO IN FOR THE KILL.

SO?

SO I DID.

-[CHUCKLES] -HER NAME...

WAS KERI.

THE FLYEST GIRL AT THE BAR. MM-HMM, ALL RIGHT.

-DUDE, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP WHACKING IT SO MUCH. -WHAT?

YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING UP CHICK'S NAMES AND SHIT WHILE YOU'RE FEEDING THE GEESE.

FUCK YOU, MAN. SHE'S AS REAL AS THE SCRAMBLED EGGS ON THAT PLATE.

DUDE, LAST WEEK, HER NAME WAS NIVEA. THE WEEK BEFORE, LUBRIDINA.

NIVEA WAS A NICE FRENCH GIRL I MET IN THE PARK.

FUCK THAT. IF YOU DIDN'T SCORE, JUST SAY IT.

-FINE, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. -SAY IT.

ALL I WANNA KNOW IS, HAVE WE FOUND A PROSPECT YET?

-PROSPECT? YEAH. -FOR WHAT?

YOU KNOW, THE PLAN.

"TRIPLE TEAM SOME CHICK" PLAN.

YOU STILL CAUGHT UP IN THAT SHIT?

COME ON! IT'LL BE FUCKING GREAT. THE THREE OF US WITH SOME AMAZING HOTTIE.

DOING HIGH-FIVES AND SHIT OVER HER BACK, IT'LL BE THE ULTIMATE SEXUAL PLATEAU.

OOH! AH!

-[WHIMPERING] -[PANTING]

LOOK, FUCK THE PLAN. I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND SOME CHICK I CAN RELATE TO.

-WHAT? -SOME GIRL I ACTUALLY RESPECT.

-YEAH, WHY CAN'T WE FIND GIRLS JUST LIKE US? -DUDE,

-ALL GIRLS MASTURBATE. -FUCK YOU, MAN. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

-WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GOTTA JOKE ABOUT THE... -I'M JUST KIDDING.

I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

IT WOULD BE KINDA COOL TO FIND A CHICK THAT'S HOT...

AND THAT ALSO CARED ABOUT THE SAME SHIT WE DO.

YEAH. SOME LITTLE SNAPPY YOU DON'T WANNA KICK OUTTA BED EVERY NIGHT

-RIGHT AFTER YOU THROW YOUR WEB. -I HEAR YOU.

-I MEAN, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? -GOOD FUCKING LUCK.

WHAT?

OH, NO!

ZEKE: OH, MAN, WHO THE HELL INVITED HIM?

JONATHAN: I DID. COME ON, GUYS, HE USED TO BE ONE OF US.

EXACTLY. USED TO BE, THEN THE ASSHOLE GOT MARRIED.

YOU KNOW THE RULES. YOU PASS THE RING, YOU LOSE THE STING.

YOU MAY AS WELL CHOP YOUR DICK OFF AT THE ALTAR.

[WHIP CRACKING]

-WHAT'S UP? -HEY, ERIC, HAVE A SEAT.

-ZEKE, BRAD, WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S UP? -SAME OL'.

WHAT THE FUCK'S THAT?

MY WIFE SAYS I HAVE CHRONIC HALITOSIS.

SHE MAKES ME SPRAY THIS SHIT INTO MY MOUTH EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEND THAT STUFF TO BRAD.

-[SCOFFS] FUCK YOU. -OH, SHIT.

[LAUGHING] WHAT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SO, WHERE YOU GUYS BEEN? IT'S LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER.

DUDE, YOU'RE MARRIED! WE NO LONGER HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON.

JESUS. WHAT? [SNORTING]

-I'M STILL THE SAME GUY. -NO, YOU'RE NOT.

-YOU'RE MARRIED. FACE IT. -BUT YOU THINK I DON'T GOT STORIES?

-ABOUT YOUR WIFE? COME ON, BRO, THAT'S NASTY. -OH.

-ARE YOU SAYING THAT WE DON'T DO KINKY SHIT? -NO, I'M SURE YOU DO.

BUT IT'S YOUR WIFE, MAN. THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT SACRED ABOUT THAT.

YEAH, I MEAN, IF IT WAS A GIRL WE DON'T KNOW, THEN, WELL, THAT'D BE OKAY,

BUT YOUR WIFE, I MEAN, IT'S KINDA SICK.

NO, NO, MAN, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

IT'S WAY BETTER BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY UNINHIBITED.

ALL RIGHT, LIKE LAST NIGHT, WE WERE HAVING SEX IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT,

AND I START USING ALL THE UTENSILS AND SHIT, DUDE.

WE JUST GOT THIS NEW JUICER, AND IT'S SHAPED LIKE A CARROT, RIGHT? I AM BENT OVER.

-ALL OF A SUDDEN... -SAVE IT!

WHAT? DUDE, WE HAD AN ENTIRE LINE OF EXTRA VIRGIN OLIVE OIL...

HEY, HEY, PLEASE, OKAY? THE VISUALS. I'M TRYING TO EAT BREAKFAST.

HEY, ERIC, DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU HAD TO GO SOMEWHERE THIS AFTERNOON?

YEAH.

-DUDE, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO. -YEAH, I SUPPOSED TO MEET MY WIFE

-BRUNCH TWENTY MINUTES AGO. -BRUNCH? YOU JUST FUCKING ATE.

YEAH, ONCE YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU GOTTA DO A LOT OF THINGS TWICE. YOU KNOW?

APPEASE THE LITTLE WOMAN, MAKE HER FEEL ALL IMPORTANT, LIKE YOU CARE AND SHIT.

-MAN, THAT SUCKS. -YEAH. [SIGHS]

WELL, BYE!

SEE YOU, ERIC.

NOW, JONATHAN, I WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO THAT TREE, WAIT ABOUT A MINUTE.

BRAD, I WANT YOU TO COME UP AT THE END. YOU CLOSE THE DEAL. YOU GOT IT?

THE STANDARD. JUST DON'T SAVE THE UGLY ONE FOR ME. ALL RIGHT.

DUDE, LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE ALL SITTING DOWN.

THEY COULD ALL HAVE FAT ASSES FOR ALL WE KNOW. ALL RIGHT.

-YOU GUYS, COME ON, THEY'RE GONNA LEAVE. -CHILL. ARE YOU READY?

BREAK.

WOMEN, MEN, NOBODY.

[CHATTERING]

[LAUGHING]

HEY, GIRLS.

-HOW YOU DOING? -GOOD.

-IS YOUR NAME KELLY? -NO. STACEY.

-STACEY, HI, I'M ZEKE. -HI.

HI. AND YOUR LOVELY FRIENDS?

THIS IS MARIE AND BRISTOL.

-MARIE? -MM-HMM.

-AND CRYSTAL? -BRISTOL.

-SO... -SO, THOSE ARE INTERESTING PANTS YOU GOT THERE.

OH, YOU LIKE?

-STROKE IT. -"LIKE" IS NOT EXACTLY THE WORD.

THAT'S REAL CROCODILE LEATHER.

I GUESS I'M MOST LIKE MICKEY ROURKE IN NINE 1/2 WEEKS.

LET'S FACE IT. THAT MAN UNDERSTANDS THE TERM "DOMINANT MALE" TO THE Nth DEGREE.

NOT THAT I SEE MYSELF AS THE CONTROLLING FREAK THAT HE WAS.

YOU NEVER KNOW. AM I IN CONTROL? AM I NOT IN CONTROL?

NOT THAT I'M A CONTROL FREAK, I MEAN, BUT, YOU KNOW.

CONTROL IS VERY, VERY IMPORTANT.

YOU ALWAYS MUST KEEP THE UPPER HAND.

NO, IT'S NOT.

-WHAT? -CROCODILE HAS SCALES.

-OH MY GOD! ZEKE! -JONATHAN!

-I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU. -WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

-WHAT'S UP? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -JUST WALKING AROUND.

-JONATHAN, MEET MARIE. -HI.

-KELLY AND CRYSTAL. -HI.

-STACEY. -STACEY, I'M SORRY, STACEY.

BRISTOL.

-SO, HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW ZEKE? -WE DON'T.

MAYBE ANDREW McCARTHY INST. ELMO'S FIRE.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS LIKE TOTALLY MISUNDERSTOOD IN THAT FILM, OKAY?

JUST BECAUSE HE HAD CREATIVE, MORE INTELLECTUAL INTERESTS, EVERYBODY THOUGHT HE WAS GAY.

I DON'T-YOU KNOW, I'M NOT-I'M NOT LIKE THAT.

IT-IT'S JUST BECAUSE I'M SINGLE AND CREATIVE, AND, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE I UNDERSTAND MY FEMININE SIDE A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THE NEXT GUY.

HE JUST CAME OVER HERE, MADE US FEEL HIS LEG.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE PARK ON SUNDAY?

JONATHAN AND ZEKE: BRAD!

WHO ARE THESE BEAUTIFUL MOMMIES?

BRAD, THIS IS MARIE,

-MARIE. -STACEY...

-PLEASURE. -AND CRYSTAL.

BRISTOL.

-BRISTOL. -BRISTOL.

I WOULD HAVE TO SAY TOM CRUISE,RISKY BUSINESS.

HE WAS STUFFING REBECCA De MORNAY,

DROVE A PORSCHE, AND HE RAN A FUCKING CLAM HOUSE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

BRAD, GET OFF THE BABY-SITTER. [CHUCKLING]

NO, SCAMMING'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. IT'S JUST...

SOMETHING I'M GOOD AT. A GOOD CATCH? YEAH, I THINK I'M A GOOD CATCH.

I MAKE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY.

LOOK AT ME!

[HONKING]

WHY THE FUCK'S EVERYONE SO QUIET?

DIDN'T ANYONE SCAM THIS WEEKEND? ZEKE.

YEAH, OF COURSE. IT'S JUST, I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?

ISN'T THAT THE POINT? WHY ELSE DO WE COME HERE EVERY SUNDAY?

LOOK, MARRIED ASS, MAYBE I MET SOMEONE I DON'T FEEL LIKE TELLING YOU DICKS ABOUT.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MORALS AND TALK ABOUT HOW YOU PORKED YOUR WIFE

WITH A WAFFLE IRON, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I GOTTA TELL YOU SHIT.

EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING. AND IT WAS THE JUICER.

SO,

WAS SHE HOT?

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LOOKS ANYMORE. I'M OVER THAT SUPERFICIAL CRAP.

AS LONG AS SHE'S GOT A GREAT RACK AND BUNS LIKE A CHAMP, I'M HAPPY.

YEAH, SHE WAS HOT.

-AND YOU RAILED HER? -WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T RAIL HER?

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY YOU LIKE HER AND YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HER.

LOOK, I DIDN'T SAY IF I RAILED HER OR NOT.

WHICH USUALLY MEANS YOU DIDN'T.

-DIDN'T RAIL HER. -DEFINITELY DIDN'T RAIL HER.

-LISTEN UP, ASSHOLES. -[LAUGHING]

IT'S THURSDAY NIGHT. I WAS BACK AT THE BELL CAFE, LOOKING FOR THE WONDER TWINS,

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, I NOTICE THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN READING A BOOK AT ANOTHER TABLE.

ERIC: YOU NOTICE HOW SHE'S A WOMAN AND NOT A HO. BRAD: MM-HMM.

WHAT ARE YOU READING? THIS GIRL WAS FLY!

-SHE'S THAT FUCKING HOT? -YEAH. -WOW!

BUT THE CAPPER IS, SHE WAS READING SYD FIELD'S SCREENPLAYBOOK.

-SO. -SO? THAT'S LIKE THE BIBLE FOR SCREENWRITERS.

NOT ONLY IS THIS CHICK HOT, BUT SHE'S GOT THE SAME INTERESTS AS ME.

WOW!

-WAIT. DID YOU JUST SAY YOU FUCKED HER IN A FIELD? -[LAUGHING]

YEAH. NO, I SAID SHE WAS READING SYD FIELD'S SCREENPLAYBOOK.

-OH, DUDE, WHO CARES? DID YOU FUCK HER? -[ALL LAUGHING]

NO, LOOK!

HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT. I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS ONE.

JONATHAN: AH! I KNEW IT!

ERIC: DEFINITELY DIDN'T FUCK HER.

BRAD: DID YOU GET HER BACK TO YOUR CRIB? ZEKE: OF COURSE.

ZEKE: WHAT ARE YOUR LEGS? STEEL SPRINGS.

HOW FAST CAN YOU RUN? FAST AS A LEOPARD. GALIPOLI.

-MM. -UM, UM...

UM...

GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE, GEORGE,

IT'S MICHAEL DORSEY, YOUR FAVORITE CLIENT.

-GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE? -NO.

-TOOTSIE! -[SIGHS]

-OKAY, YOU GO. -WHAT? I AMUSE YOU?

THAT'S SO EASY. GOODFELLAS.

HEY, HEY. HEY, WAIT.

CAN'T WE JUST TAKE IT SLOW?

WE CAN DEFINITELY TAKE IT SLOW, BABY.

SO SHE WANTED ME PRETTY BADLY, BUT I THOUGHT IT'D BE BEST TO TAKE IT SLOW.

MAN, I KNEW IT.

SEE? IF HE NAILED HER, THEN SHE'D BE LIKE ALL THE REST. NOTHING SPECIAL.

BUT SINCE HE DIDN'T FUCK HER, HE CARES.

BUT I NEVER GET LAID, AND I NEVER CARE ABOUT MOST OF MY SCAMS.

-THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T FUCKED AND LOST YET. -MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, ONCE A CHICK PLAYS YOU FOR NOTHING MORE THAN A DICK,

YOU WILL TOUGHEN UP, AND YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FUCK AND FORGET JUST LIKE THAT.

YEAH, A CHICK'S GOTTA TEASE THE DICK IN ORDER TO BE TEASED.

YEAH, AND AFTER A DICK TEASE, YOU'LL BE WORKING WITH AN UN-TEASEABLE DICK.

-NOTHING'S PENETRATING THAT THING. -YEAH.

YOU GOTTA FALL OFF THE BIKE IN ORDER TO GET BACK ON.

SO, I'VE GOTTA BE FUCKED AND SPIT ON.

BEFORE I CAN HAVE FEELINGS FOR A GIRL BY NOT FUCKING HER?

[MUNCHING]

-YEAH. -MM-HMM, YEAH.

-I GET IT NOW. -THANKS.

-YO, DUDE, YOU'RE UP. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? -HMM?

-WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? -NOTHING.

IT'S JUST, UH,

I THINK I MAY HAVE MET SOMEBODY THIS WEEKEND THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE TOO.

NO! DUDE.

[ TECHNOMUSIC]

[GIGGLING] OH!

[MOANING]

OH, MY GOD!

UNBELIEVABLE!

I THINK I'M GETTING A WOOD.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT TWO CHICKS GRINDING THAT TURNS ME ON?

THIS LESBIAN FAD IS AWESOME!

OH.

OH. HOLY BALLS. WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

SHIT.

-HI. -HI. [ECHOING]

THIS CHICK WAS SO HOT. OKAY? SHE HAD THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

-SHE HAD A COCK? -[LAUGHING]

YEAH, SHE HAD A DICK, DUDE.

COME ON, NO. SHE HAD THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE KIND OF GIRL I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.

AND SHE WAS DIGGING YOUR SHIT?

OF COURSE SHE WAS DIGGING MY SHIT.

-DID YOU STUFF HER? -NO, MAN.

I'M KINDA LIKE YOU, ZEKE. I THINK I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL.

SHE WAS MORE INTERESTED IN STOCK OPTIONS AND BONDS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

-IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE WAS INTERESTED IN YOUR WALLET. -IT WASN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I THINK SHE REALLY CARED ABOUT ME, WHAT I WAS ALL ABOUT.

THAT'S SO GREAT.

-ALL RIGHT, SO, THESE ARE THE REVENUES. -MM-HMM.

-THESE ARE THE EARNINGS. -EXACTLY.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

MOST CHICKS I DATE COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT WHAT I DO.

ALL THEY REALLY WANT IS SOME NICE DINNER AT SOME TRENDY RESTAURANT...

AND A NICE HARD COCK AT THE END OF THE NIGHT.

THEY DON'T CARE WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

-MM. -MM.

DID THIS ONE WANT THE HARD COCK TOO?

NO, MAN, SHE WAS DIFFERENT. WE TOTALLY BONDED.

NO, I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA SLEEP WITH HER. I COULD'VE STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND TALKED TO HER.

GOSH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

SO, YOU JUST TALKED ALL NIGHT?

NO. SHE SMOKED ME.

[LAUGHING]

BUT I COULD'VE TALKED ALL NIGHT.

WAS SHE GOOD?

-I JUST TOLD YOU I DIDN'T FUCK HER. -NO, NO, I MEANT,

-W-WAS SHE GOOD AT SMOKING POLE? -FUCKING HORNY BASTARD.

WELL, SHE WAS ALL RIGHT. SHE'S NOT GONNA WIN ANY MEDALS,

SO SHE AIN'T NO HANNA?

ALL: OH, SHIT!

-WAIT A SECOND. WHO'S HANNA? -MY GOD, I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT HER.

ZEKE: DUDE, YOU REMEMBER HANNA. "HOOVER" HANNA.

SHE GAVE BRAD THE FIVE-HOUR BLOW JOB.

-BULLSHIT. NO FUCKING WAY. -MM-HMM.

THAT CHICK COULD SUCK A TAXI DRIVER THROUGH IMMIGRATION.

AFTER ABOUT THREE HOURS, I WAS GETTING SO HUNGRY, I CALLED MR. PIZZA.

DUDE CAME INTO MY ROOM AS HOOVER WAS GUMMING MY KNOB.

[MOANING] SHE NEVER KNEW HE WAS THERE.

HOW DID YOU LAST FOR FIVE HOURS?

BRO, I WAS SO BOOZED UP AND TABBED UP AND HAD PROBABLY 27 BONG LOADS ON TOP OF THAT.

THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GONNA NUT. I WAS JUST FORTUNATE

MY WOOD DIDN'T GO SOUTH

PLUS, SHE KINDA REMINDED ME OF MY SISTER. I COULDN'T GET INTO IT.

-[BOTH GROANING] -ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BORE US WITH ANOTHER SPANK FEST. WHAT WAS HER NAME THIS WEEK?

-VASELINA? -[LAUGHING]

NO, MAN, THIS WEEK WAS DIFFERENT.

I WAS AT THE NEWSSTAND, RIGHT, PICKING UP SOME READING MATERIAL FOR THE BATHROOM,

-WHEN, OUTTA NOWHERE... -[BOTH GRUNTING]

I'M SORRY.

-I'LL GET IT. -UH, NO, NO. OH.

-ARE YOU OKAY? -YEAH.

DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THESE BACK IN YOUR BAG FOR YOU?

OKAY.

WE SPENT THE REST OF THE DAY TALKING, OVER COFFEE.

ZEKE: THAT'S THE MOST EMBARRASSING SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD.

-MAN, THAT SUCKS. -NO, BUT, BUT, THAT'S THE BEST PART.

I MEAN, SHE KNOWS I BEAT OFF CONSTANTLY. SHE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

-WHAT? -[CHUCKLING]

WHAT'S MORE PERSONAL THAN THAT?

I MEAN, AFTER KNOWING THAT,

WE COULD TALK ABOUT ANYTHING.

IT'S LIKE THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE.

ONCE A DAY. THAT'S IT?

YEAH. WELL, ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

[STAMMERING] WELL...

ONCE A DAY, THERE'S LIKE A FOUNDATION, AND THEN,

UM,

LIKE, DEFINITELY AT NIGHT BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP, ALWAYS. IT HELPS ME GO TO SLEEP.

-ME TOO. -REALLY?

-YES! -THAT'S SO COOL.

YEAH, EXCEPT SOMETIMES I'M JUST TOO TIRED TO FINISH, YOU KNOW?

I JUST BORE MYSELF. [LAUGHING]

[SLURPPING]

MY EX-BOYFRIEND WAS ACTUALLY REALLY INTO...

VIDEOTAPING ME WHILE I...

REALLY?

AND THEN WHILE HE WAS VIDEOTAPING, HE WOULD ALSO BE...

-TO HIMSELF. -REALLY?

-AND YOU WOULD WATCH? -YEAH.

WHILE HE... DID YOU, DID YOU LIKE IT?

UH, YEAH.

WOW!

♪ DON'T KISS AND DON'T TELL

[HORN BLOWING]

♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURSELF IN TROUBLE ♪

-YOU ARE ONE LUCKY BASTARD. -[LAUGHING]

CONGRATULATIONS, LITTLE STROKER.

-FOR THE FIRST TIME YOU FINALLY SCORED BIG. -[LAUGHING]

-HE'S EARNING HIS STRIPES. -THANKS. THAT MEANS A LOT COMING FROM YOU GUYS.

-SO, UH, DID YOU? -NO, NO, NO.

NO, I DIDN'T FUCK HER, BUT I HAVE A DATE WITH HER. THIS WEEK.

AND,

-SHE ASKED ME TO BRING THE VIDEO CAMERA. -NICE!

DUDE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO? YOU GOTTA SHOW UP

AT HER APARTMENT WITH SOME WINE AND FLOWERS AND SHIT.

-WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA. -OF COURSE WITH THE VIDEO CAMERA, YEAH.

-WHY ARE YOU FEEDING HIM THAT BULLSHIT? -WHAT MADE YOU A FUCKING PRO?

I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. YOU GET SOME CHEAP WINE, LIKE DUNNEWOOD, RIGHT?

IT'S GOT A REALLY NICE LABEL, SO IT LOOKS EXPENSIVE.

YOU COULD ALWAYS GET THE SHIT ON SALE, FOR LIKE 9.99.

DUNNEWOOD AND SOME CHEAP ROSES. YOU'LL BE DOING THE BONE DANCE IN NO TIME.

LIKE HE SHOULD TAKE ADVICE FROM YOU? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WOMEN?

YOU'RE MARRIED, FOR CHRISSAKES!

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT?

NOW THAT I AM MARRIED, I AM MUCH MORE SENSITIVE TO A WOMAN'S NEEDS.

-WAIT, WAIT. DUNNEWOOD. -THE SHIT WORKS EVERY TIME.

I THINK I'M GONNA WAIT A WEEK OR TWO BEFORE CALLING MY CHICK. YOU KNOW?

GET HER ALL MOIST AND SHIT SO SHE'S BEGGING FOR MY LOVE.

BRAD, IF YOU REALLY LIKE THIS WOMAN, YOU SHOULD CALL HER RIGHT AWAY,

-MAKE HER FEEL SPECIAL. -PIPE IT, TOUGHY.

-I DON'T NEED YOUR BULLSHIT ADVICE. -YEAH, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DUDE, HE'S RIGHT. YOU SHOULD CALL HER TONIGHT BECAUSE,

MAYBE WE COULD ALL DO SOMETHING TOGETHER THIS WEEK.

DON'T GET FAGGY ON ME.

I DON'T WANT YOUR ASS RUINING MY CHANCES OF TACKLING SOME CLAM. I'M WAITING A WEEK.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT A WEEK. I'D TRY TO GET THE NICE-GUY DATE OUT OF THE WAY

-AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. -WHAT? NICE-GUY DATE?

THE ONE THAT'S JUST FILLER, SHOWS HER WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE. THAT WAY,

SHE'LL LET YOU HIT IT ON THE NEXT DATE.

HOW MANY DATES DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO BONE?

WELL, IF I DON'T HIT IT ON THE FIRST, WHICH IS RARE, THEN MOST LIKELY ON THE SECOND.

BUT, BY RULE, IF I DON'T GET IT ON THE THIRD, I'M NEVER CALLING THAT GIRL AGAIN.

THEY'RE DEFINITELY NOT WORTH THE TIME AFTER THE THIRD.

IT ALWAYS TAKES ME A FEW MONTHS.

COME ON, ART BOY. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. WHAT'D YOU BRING TODAY, HUH?

BRING YOUR NOTEPAD? GONNA WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN? "BRAD DREAMS."

"BRAD'S GOT GAME." YOU TRYING TO GET A PIECE OF ME?

-PASS THE BALL. -I'M READY. FUCKING BRING IT. -ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT, BRING IT IN!

WHY DON'T YOU PAY ATTENTION?

I AM PAYING ATTENTION!

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON

♪ SAY OOH, LA, LA, SASSOON COME ON, COME ON # ♪

LATE LAST NIGHT, I COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP 'CAUSE LORAINE WAS IN THE BED,

SO I SNUCK DOWN TO THE DEN, AND I ORDERED SOME PAY-PER-VIEW PORN.

WHY? THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE. IT'S USELESS. THEY DON'T SHOW PENETRATION.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE THE SIZE OF THEIR BREASTS ON SOME OF THESE WOMEN.

THEY WERE LIKE HUGE.

-THEY WERE FAKE! -YEAH, KNUCKLE DICK, THOSE FUN BAGS AREN'T REAL.

WOW! YEAH, THOSE LOVE PILLOWS...

JUST PROPPED UP, STRAIGHT, POINTING NORTH LIKE THAT... NEVER SOUTH, ALWAYS NORTH.

[MOANING]

SOMETIMES WHEN I GET HOME FROM THE GYM, I'VE DONE A FEW SETS OF BUTTERFLIES.

I'M ALL PUMPED UP, I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND GO,

"I'VE GOT A NICE RACK. I'D FUCK ME." WHOO!

[CHUCKLING]

KINDA LIKE THAT PSYCHO IN SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

EXACTLY, EXCEPT I DON'T DO THE DICK TUCK.

-[ALL LAUGHING] -[SQUEAKING]

I USED TO DO THE TUCK FOR LORAINE, YOU KNOW, JUST TO SPICE UP THE SEX LIFE.

-YOU KNOW, KEEP THE BEDROOM HOT AND SHIT. -WHAT?

YOU DID THE TUCK FOR LORAINE? WELL, SHE STARTED TALKING ABOUT BRINGING HOME A WOMAN

-AND, LIKE, THREESOMES AND SHIT LIKE THAT. -DUDE, THAT'S AWESOME.

Mmm.

OH, MASTER, OH, MASTER.

HIYA!

SO ANYWAY, SHE WOULDN'T LET THIS GO,

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED SHE HAS THIS PSEUDO-LESBIAN CRAVING.

WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LORAINE?

NO, SHE WOULDN'T LET IT GO. YOU KNOW?

SO INSTEAD OF BRINGING BACK ANOTHER CHICK, SOMETIMES I JUST,

I DO THE TUCK, TALK IN A HIGH VOICE LIKE THIS, AND SHIT, LIKE THIS.

TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME.

[GROANING]

MM, BRAD.

[MOANING] MM, BRAD.

I TRIED THE TUCK A COUPLE TIMES, BUT, I DON'T KNOW,

IT REALLY KINDA HURTS MY PENIS.

-YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT. -SO IS THIS SHIT STILL GOING ON?

YOU'RE STILL UNSTRAPPING ONE FOR LORAINE?

NO, DUDE, THAT WAS JUST A PHASE. NOW SHE'S IN A BOOK GROUP.

-YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOTTA GO. -WHERE DO YOU GOTTA GO?

I GOTTA MAKE A PHONE CALL. BRAD, DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR CELL?

-WHAT, YOU CALLING YOUR HO? -WHAT? OF COURSE NOT. I MEAN...

IT FUCKING SUCKS.

THERE ARE CERTAIN WORDS I DON'T LIKE TO USE.

I DON'T LIKE "MASTURBATION,"

OR, OR "JERKING OFF,"

OR, OR "SPANKING."

I THINK THOSE WORDS ARE, THEY SOUND VULGAR.

"STURBING" IS THE WORD I USE. UM, STURBING. UM,

UM, I'M COMFORTABLE WITH STURBING.

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY HEY, MIA

♪ YOU'RE MY CUP OF

♪ TEA...A

[CHUCKLES] SOMETIMES, I...I SIT ON MY HAND, YOU KNOW, AND...

I SIT ON IT FOR A REALLY LONG TIME UNTIL IT FALLS ASLEEP,

AND THEN, ONCE IT'S ASLEEP, I, YOU KNOW, I STURB WITH IT, LIKE THIS,

SO IT FEELS LIKE...LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE IS DOING IT TO ME.

I CALL IT THE "STRANGER."

♪ MIA

♪ WE CAN TAKE A TRIP

♪ ACROSS THE SEA, YEAH YEAH ♪

[CONTINUES PLAYING GUITAR]

♪ HEY, MIA, YEAH, YEAH

[RINGING]

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL, MIA. NO, THAT'S NO GOOD.

UM, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. [SCOFFS]

UH, YOU LOOK AMAZING.

WHAT THE HELL? HELLO?

[RINGING]

[BUZZING]

YOU LOOK AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

SHIT. THAT'S SO BAD.

-UM, OKAY. -[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

YOU LOOK... YOU LOOK STUNNING.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES]

MIA? MIA?

-[DISHES CLATTERING] -SHIT!

WOMAN: LET GO! LET GO!

JONATHAN: HOLY SHIT. -[WOMAN SCREAMING]

IN HERE! [SHOUTING]

-[SHOUTING, INDISTINCT] -STOP THAT!

GET OFF. GET OFF.

FUCKING COCKSUCKER!

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?

-HEY, WAIT! -WHAT?

I AM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOU'RE HERE.

-WHAT IS GOING ON? -I HAVE A DATE WITH MIA.

-FUCK YOU. I'M DATING MIA. -WOULD YOU GET THE HELL OFF ME?

YOU GUYS ALL KNOW EACH OTHER?

-YOU GUYS HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE COLLEGE? -MM-HMM.

-AND YOU'RE BEST FRIENDS? -YEAH.

FOR REAL? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I MEAN, IT'S NEW YORK CITY. WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?

APPARENTLY, PRETTY HIGH.

-SORRY. -I'M SORRY TOO.

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE YOU GUYS, ALL OF YOU.

WHAT'S WITH THE DUNNEWOOD?

ANYWAY, IN AN IDEAL WORLD, I GUESS THAT...

I WANNA KEEP SEEING ALL OF YOU.

BUT I UNDERSTAND THAT THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

SO,

IF YOU GUYS WANNA TAKE OFF,

I UNDERSTAND.

OKAY. [CLEARS THROAT] IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED.

[STAMMERING]

-BYE. -BYE, JOHN.

-COME ON, ZEKE, LET'S GO. -I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

[CHUCKLING] WHAT?

-I'M STAYING. -COME ON, ZEKE.

FUCK THAT! IF YOU WANNA GO, GO.

[CHUCKLING] COME ON, MAN, DON'T BE A DICK.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I ACTUALLY LIKE HER.

MIA AND I HAVE A CONNECTION.

WAIT. WE HAVE A CONNECTION, TOO, RIGHT?

-I'M STAYING. [CHUCKLING] -[CHUCKLING] WHAT?

-I'M STAYING. -OH, MY GOD. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

OKAY. OKAY. IF YOU'RE CONNECTED,

AND IF YOU'RE CONNECTED, [SIGHS] I'M CONNECTED TOO.

YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS?

OH, YEAH. IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

BACK OFF! SHE'S MINE! BOTH OF YOU HAVE TOTALLY FUCKING DICKED ME OVER.

-FUCK THAT. YOU DICKED ME. -YOU KNOW?

I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT'S EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE,

AND I THINK IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT BOTH OF YOU DECIDED TO SURPRISE HER...

ON THE ONE DAY THAT I HAD A DATE WITH HER, AND WE WERE GONNA USE THE VIDEO CAMERA.

I'M NOT BACKING OFF.

IF MIA WANTS TO SEE ALL OF US, THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

OH, FUCK YOU! WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M REALLY TIRED OF THE WAY YOU TALK TO ME.

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING...

-FUCK YOU. -HEY, HEY, EASY, EASY. CHILL.

-I'M GONNA KICK HIS ASS. -WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? KUNG-FU CHOP ME TO DEATH?

-HIYA, KARATE BOY. -HEY, CHILL.

-CRANE POSITION, DANIEL SAN. -WHAT THE FUCK...

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S JUJITSU, FAGGOT. SECOND OF ALL,

-I DON'T NEED TO KNOW SHIT TO KICK YOUR LAME ASS. -YEAH, I'M SO SCARED.

IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M GONNA MOVE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS SHIT. YOU'RE BOTH ASSHOLES.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

ASSHOLES.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SUCH A DICK?

ASSHOLE.

DICK.

♪ BA, BA-BA-BA BA-BA, BA-BA-BA

♪ I'M SLEEPING AND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A GOOD DREAM

♪ I CALL OUT ONCE I WAKE UP

♪ FROM SOMETHING THAT KEEPS KNOCKING AT MY BRAIN

♪ BEFORE I GO INSANE I HOLD MY PILLOW TO MY HEAD

♪ AND SPRING UP IN MY BED SCREAMING OUT THE WORDS I DREAD

♪ I THINK I LOVE YOU I THINK I LOVE YOU ♪

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] HEY, IT'S MIA. PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.

HELLO, MIA. HOW YOU DOING, SWEETIE? IT'S BRAD.

I HAVE TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME TONIGHT.

I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO GO.

♪ AND NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT

♪ AND DID NOT GO AND SHOUT IT

♪ WHEN YOU WALKED INTO THE ROOM I THINK I LOVE YOU ♪

[MACHINE BEEPS] HI, IT'S JONATHAN. HOW ARE YOU?

I'M CALLING TO SAY HEY AND SEE IF MAYBE,

I DON'T KNOW, YOU WANNA DO SOMETHING LATER.

♪ I THINK I LOVE YOU ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE IS MADE OF

♪ THOUGH IT WORRIES ME TO SAY THAT I NEVER FELT THIS WAY

♪ HEY! I THINK I LOVE YOU ♪

[MACHINE BEEPS] HEY, MIA, IT'S ZEKE. WHERE ARE YOU, BABY?

I WANNA HANG OUT WITH YOU. WE COULD DO SOMETHING, REALLY GET CLOSE.

CALL ME.

♪ I THINK I LOVE YOU, ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE IS MADE OF ♪

I LIKE TO WALK INTO A PLACE, CHECK OUT THE VIBES,

SEE WHAT KIND OF SIGNALS I'M GETTING ON THE WOOD METER, LOOK-AWAYS, THAT KIND OF SHIT.

A "LOOK-AWAY"? THAT'S WHEN A GIRL LOOKS AT YOU,

AND SHE INSTANTLY LOOKS AWAY.

THAT IS A SOLID GREEN LIGHT.

LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY.

THAT'S LIKE YOU'VE HIT A HOME RUN, YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TO PICK UP A BAT.

LIKE MOST SCAMMERS THAT I'M AWARE OF,

I'M NOT THAT COMFORTABLE WITH OTHER MEN.

I HAVE A VERY STRONG AFFINITY FOR THE SOCIETY OF WOMEN.

I KNEW IT'D JUST BE A MATTER OF TIME FOR YOU TO GET

WHAT'D YOU SEE IN THOSE DICKS ANYWAY?

DICKS? I THOUGHT THEY WERE YOUR FRIENDS.

YOUR FRIENDS DON'T TRY AND GET ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

EXCUSE ME.

MIA,

I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER FOR THAT LONG,

BUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU,

I HAVEN'T HAD THAT MANY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH GIRLS.

I MEAN, WOMEN.

AND, IT MIGHT NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL TO YOU,

BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE I CAN TALK TO YOU ABOUT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

IT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE ABLE TO SAY THAT.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU, ZEKE.

YOU HAVE THIS WHOLE COOL, LADY'S MAN EXTERIOR,

BUT INSIDE YOU'RE JUST A BIG DORK.

-HMM? -IN A GOOD WAY.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ME SO WELL?

I JUST... DO.

[MOANING]

[MOANING CONTINUES]

[SIGHING]

[SIGHS]

-THAT WAS AWESOME. -THANKS. PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

-[BOTH LAUGHING] -LOOK.

I KNOW I JOKE AROUND A LOT, MIA, BUT...

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS...

WHEN I SAY THAT YOU ARE THE COOLEST THING IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE LIKE YOU BEFORE.

SO WHAT'S NEXT?

NO, NO. I MEANT WITH US.

OH! OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP...

LIKE THIS BEFORE.

YOU'LL BE MY LITTLE STUDENT.

[LAUGHING] AND YOU CAN SPANK ME WHEN I'M BAD AND SHIT.

-MM-HMM. -[LAUGHING]

[MIA MOANING]

OH, GOD.

[GIGGLING] WOW!

THAT WAS AMAZING.

[SIGHS]

-I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING. -OKAY.

THESE ARE GREAT.

[GIGGLING] THESE ARE REALLY...

THESE ARE GREAT.

THE GUYS THINK I LOOK LIKE A FAG IN THAT PICTURE.

WELL, WHAT DO THEY KNOW? THEY'RE JUST JEALOUS.

YOU'RE REALLY DIFFERENT FROM THEM, YOU KNOW, JONATHAN.

YOU'RE A LOT MORE GENUINE,

AND THESE PAST FEW WEEKS WITH YOU HAVE BEEN REALLY SPECIAL.

THE PAST FEW WEEKS WITH ME AND ZEKE AND BRAD.

NO...

DUMMY. THE PAST FEW WEEKS WITH YOU.

I WAS REALLY CONFUSED BEFORE,

BUT I'M NOT ANYMORE.

[URINATING]

[SIGHING]

[STOPS]

-[RESUMES] -OOH.

[STOPS]

YEAH.

[SIGHS]

WHOA.

JONATHAN! COME ON, WE'RE LATE.

-I'LL BE RIGHT OUT. -OKAY.

[WHIRRING]

WOW, FIVE SPEEDS. [GASPS]

OH, HO.

OH. AH.

♪ KARMA, KARMA, KARMA KARMA, KARMA, CHAMELEON

♪ YOU COME AND GO YOU COME AND GO

♪ LOVING WOULD BE EASY IF YOUR COLORS WERE LIKE MY DREAMS

♪ RED, GOLD AND GREEN

HONEY, COME ON! WE GOTTA GO!

SHIT.

SHIT.

-WHAT? -OH, NOTHING.

[GROANING] ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

I'M FINE. JUST A SECOND.

OH.

[SNIFFING] EWW!

EWW!

[GROANING] OKAY.

-[GROANING] -UM...

SWEETHEART, IF...IF YOU NEED IT, THERE'S SOME PEPTO ABOVE THE SINK IN THE CABINET.

COME ON, COME ON. FUCK.

COME ON. COME ON. [GRUNTING]

-IT'S NOT COMING OUT. -ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

-YOU SOUND PRETTY BAD. -NO, I'M... I'M FINE.

-HONEY, I'M COMING IN. -NO, WAIT! NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST WASHING MY HANDS, MY HAIR.

I WAS FEELING DIRTY. WE... WE HAVE TO GO.

-WAIT. WHAT IS THAT? [SNIFFING] -W...WHAT?

-[HUMMING] -I HEAR A HUMMING.

-OH, I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING. -WHY ARE YOU SO WET? YOU SMELL LIKE A TOILET.

ERIC: IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THE BOYS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

-ACTUALLY, I WAS STARTING TO MISS YOU GUYS. -FUCK YOU.

ERIC: TO THINK THAT I ACTUALLY CARED.

LOOK, GUYS, CAN WE JUST PUT EVERYTHING BEHIND US AND MOVE ON?

-LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT ALL THE BULLSHIT. -OKAY WITH ME.

-FINE. -GOOD. LET'S ORDER.

HEY, HEY. WHOOP. OKAY.

SO, UM,

DID ANYONE READ THE BLOW JOB ARTICLE IN COSMOTHIS MONTH?

-WHAT? -WHY THE FUCK YOU READING COSMO?

MY WIFE KEEPS IT NEAR THE BATHTUB.

GOD, THANK GOD, I AM NOT MARRIED.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS MAGAZINE'S FOR WOMEN AND SHIT.

IT...IT HAS, LIKE, ALL THESE TIPS ON HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN.

OH, I GET IT NOW.

SO YOU READ THIS SHIT SO YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN.

OH, THAT IS FUNNY, BUT NO, NO, DUDE.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT IT'S WRITTEN BY WOMEN.

IT SAYS THINGS LIKE, OKAY, ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE MEN...

HAS LATENT HOMOEROTIC FANTASIES.

-WHAT? -ANYWAY, SO,

THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT CHICKS SHOULD MAKE THEIR BOYFRIENDS...

DRINK APPLE JUICE BEFORE THEY GIVE HEAD.

THEY SAY IT MAKES THE TASTE BETTER.

THEREFORE, THEY WOULD WANT TO GIVE MORE HEAD IN THE FUTURE.

-REALLY? -THAT SHIT'S BULLSHIT.

WHY YOU WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS CRAP?

IT'S BETTER THAN TALKING ABOUT THAT WHACKED HO, MIA.

OH, MAN, SHE'S GOT YOU ALL WHIPPED!

[IMITATING WHIP CRACKING]

-EXCUSE ME. -YEAH, WHO'S WHIPPED?

SHE'S GOT YOU SO MUFF-SPELLED, SHE'S FUCKING RIDING YOUR ASSES INTO THE GROUND.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS ASSHOLE?

MIA'S NOT RIDING ME ANYWHERE. SHE JUST REALIZED WHO MR. RIGHT WAS.

-YEAH, ME! -THAT'S A GOOD ONE, ZEKE.

ACTUALLY SHE ONLY WANTS TO SEE ME NOW... EXCLUSIVELY, IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY HEARD.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. YOU SEE, MIA AND I ARE IN LOVE.

OH, DREAM ON, PUSSY!

ARE YOU BOTH THAT WHACKED YOU DON'T REALIZE SHE THINKS YOU'RE BOTH LOSERS?

SHE WANTS ME, THE "Z."

MY GOD. YOU TALK SO MUCH SHIT, YOU'RE ACTUALLY STARTING TO BELIEVE IT.

COME ON, SHE'S JUST A GIRL.

I THOUGHT BOTH OF YOU GUYS KNEW SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE

OH, AND LIKE SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU?

THE ONLY REASON I SHOWED UP TODAY 'CAUSE I FIGURED YOU TWO IGNORANT DICKHEADS...

FINALLY GOT THE MESSAGE AND BACKED OFF.

-WHATEVER, ZEKE. -DON'T "WHATEVER" ME, COCK BOY.

HEY, COME ON, COME ON, THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE HERE. PULL THAT, TAKE IT OUTSIDE.

I'LL FUCKING TAKE IT OUTSIDE, AWAY FROM YOU TWO DICKS.

BUNCH OF FUCKING PRICKS.

SHE WANTS ME, ASSHOLE.

YOU REMEMBER THAT, TOO, FUCKO.

YEAH? SHOULD I REMIND HER OF THAT BEFORE OR AFTER I PULL OUT?

-[GASPS] -FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE PUFF.

DICK!

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND SNAP ONE OUT, YOU TOSS-OFF!

FUCK YOU TOO!

-OH, MY GOSH. -SORRY.

DON'T WORRY. AND BESIDES, IT'S NOT APPLE JUICE.

IT'S PINEAPPLE.

THAT'S IT. FORGET IT.

[RINGING]

-HELLO? -UH, YEAH, HI. MY NAME'S ERIC,

AND I'M A FRIEND OF ZEKE, BRAD AND JONATHAN'S.

-YEAH? -UH, YEAH, UH, I JUST, UH, CAME TO TALK ABOUT, UH...

WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO MY FRIENDS.

WELL, MOST OF IT IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT YOU'RE COMPLETELY MESSING WITH THEIR HEADS.

AND I JUST WANNA KNOW...

HOW IT IS THAT YOU CAN RESPECT YOURSELF...

DOING...

WHAT IT IS...

-THAT YOU DO. -WHAT EXACTLY IS IT THAT I DO?

YOU...YOU'RE SEEING ALL OF MY FRIENDS... AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU'RE LIKE FUCKING ALL THREE OF THEM.

IS THIS DUNNEWOOD?

FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T SEE HOW THIS IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

SECOND OF ALL, YOU ACT LIKE I'M DOING THIS ON PURPOSE.

YOU THINK I ENJOY PUTTING MYSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS THROUGH THIS?

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU JUST... CHOOSE ONE OF THEM?

LOOK, I REALLY...

I REALLY LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER MET A WOMAN WHO'S SO SPECIAL THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE HER?

OH, WELL, NO. I'M MARRIED SO...

SO... THEN YOU HAVE.

OH! YEAH.

RIGHT, RIGHT. YEAH.

WELL, SO HAVE I.

EXCEPT, INSTEAD OF ONE PERSON, I MET THREE.

I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO STOP SEEING THEM.

WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?

BECAUSE!

BECAUSE WHY?

BECAUSE!

UH...

YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND...

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS.

TWO LONG FUCKIN' YEARS!

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE HAVING TO SPEND...

EVERY FRICKIN' DAY WITH THE SAME WOMAN.

BUT THE ONLY THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IS SUNDAYS WITH THE GUYS.

AND NOW THAT YOU'VE COME ALONG...

YOU'RE RUINING ME.

YOU'VE TAKEN AWAY... THE ONE THING I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO,

AND NOW I'M FUCKED!

I GOT NO OUTLETS.

[CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, ERIC...

-IS IT ERIC? -MM-HMM.

I UNDERSTAND.

AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT.

OKAY?

MALE SINGER: ♪ THERE'S JUST NOT ENOUGH

♪ MMM, OH BABY

♪ DARLING MY DARLING, I

♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE

♪ GIRL, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW WHY ♪

CALL ME ANYTIME, OKAY?

♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE

♪ THERE ARE SOME THINGS I CAN'T GET USED TO

♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY

♪ IT'S LIKE THE MORE YOU GIVE THE MORE I WANT

♪ AND, BABY, THAT'S NO LIE

♪ OH, NO, BABE, TELL ME

♪ WHAT CAN I SAY WHAT AM I GONNA DO

♪ HOW SHOULD I FEEL WHEN EVERYTHING IS YOU

♪ WHAT KIND OF LOVE IS THIS THAT YOU'RE GIVING ME ♪

LOOK AT THIS ONE. NICE. HOT.

OH, HOO! THERE'S ONE FOR YOU RIGHT OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW A GIRL LIKE THAT DOES SQUATS.

GOD, I LOVE THIS.

♪ I SCREAM YOUR NAME LOOK WHAT YOU GOT ME DOIN'

♪ DARLING, I

♪ I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE, BABE

♪ GIRL, I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW WHY

♪ I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOVE ♪

I FIND IT AMAZING THAT MEN SEEM TO GO FOREVER WITHOUT BUYING TOILET PAPER.

-WHAT DO YOU MEAN? -I MEAN FOR US, IT'S LIKE AN ESSENTIAL.

BUT MEN, THEY'LL USE ANYTHING. TISSUE, PAPER TOWELS.

NEWSPAPER.

-SHEETS. -[CHUCKLES] SHEETS?

THAT'S A GOOD ONE. HEY, HONEY.

OHHH! MAN, THIS PLACE SUCKS!

DON'T HAVE MY ROUGH RIDERS? ALL RIGHT.

I THINK THIS'LL DO.

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T THINK THOSE ARE THE RIGHT ONES.

HONEY, LET GO.

DON'T YOU THINK THESE WOULD ACTUALLY BE MORE COMFORTABLE?

-WHAT? -FOR ME.

-I MEANT MORE COMFORTABLE FOR ME. "FOR HER PLEASURE." -WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT?

COME ON, BABY, IT'S THE MOTION OF THE OCEAN.

ERIC: I DIDN'T EXPECT TO SEE YOU AROUND FOR A WHILE.

TO WHAT DO I OWE THE PLEASURE?

WELL, SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE MARRIED AND ALL,

I WAS JUST WONDERING,

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO SETTLE DOWN WITH A WOMAN?

I MEAN, DOES YOUR LIFE STOP OR WHAT?

NO, NO. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M NOT SAYING I WANNA DO THIS NOW.

IT'S JUST... I'M INTERESTED IN YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT LIVE-IN CHICKS AND SHIT.

[SIGHS] WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT SHACKING UP WITH THAT HO, ARE YOU?

DUDE, OF COURSE... DON'T BE A DICK. OF COURSE NOT.

I'M JUST, [CLEARS THROAT]

YOU KNOW, CURIOUS.

WELL, AH,

WHEN YOU DO DECIDE TO LIVE WITH A CHICK, BASICALLY EVERYTHING CHANGES.

THE KEY TO SURVIVAL IS REMEMBER ONE THING:

THAT'S THAT YOUR LIFE NOW BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BASICALLY YOU'LL NOTICE THINGS ABOUT YOUR DAILY ROUTINE THAT START TO CHANGE.

FOR INSTANCE, THE TOILET SEAT SHIT, IT IS A BIG ONE.

YOU HAVE GOT TO REMEMBER TO PUT THAT SHIT DOWN, OR YOU'RE FUCKED.

LORAINE ALMOST LEFT ME BECAUSE I FORGOT THAT SHIT.

OH, AND YOU GOTTA REMEMBER TO FLUSH.

IF YOU LEAVE A FLOATER IN THERE, YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!

OH, AND YOU... YOU GOTTA GO EASY ON THE GAS.

I USED TO GIVE LORAINE THE "DUTCH OVEN" LIKE EVERY NIGHT.

THEN SHE STARTED SLIPPING LAXATIVES INTO MY DINNER AT NIGHT FOR REVENGE,

AND I ALMOST SHIT OUT MY COLON.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I CHANGED MY DIET AFTER THAT, YOU KNOW, FOR LORAINE.

I ACTUALLY FEEL A LOT BETTER BECAUSE OF IT.

BUT, ALL IN ALL, LIVING WITH LORAINE,

SHARING EVERYTHING,

HAS GOT ITS ADVANTAGES AND ITS DISADVANTAGES.

IS THAT KINDA WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?

YEAH, MAN. YEAH.

THANKS A LOT.

BRAD: WE USED TO HAVE THIS CREDO,

"BROS BEFORE HOS,

"PALS BEFORE GALS."

DON'T GET ME WRONG. I DEFINITELY BELIEVE...

IN THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY.

IT'S JUST THAT...

UNTIL I FIND THE ONE,

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH CHALKING UP AS MANY POINTS AS POSSIBLE.

WHEN I'M NOT CLOSING DEALS, I'M CLOSING DEALS!

WHAT THE FUCK'S GOIN' ON HERE?

WHY ARE YOU ASSHOLES HERE?

FUCK YOU. I WAS INVITED.

-WHERE'S MIA? -WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

-SHE CALLED ME AND ASKED ME TO COME, DICK-SUCK. -MIA'S IN THE SHOWER.

-WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON? -I DON'T KNOW, BUT MAYBE MIA MADE HER CHOICE.

THEN YOU GUYS MIGHT AS WELL LEAVE NOW.

THIS IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY FOR YOU TO LEARN HOW SPECIAL OUR RELATIONSHIP REALLY IS.

YOU REALLY ARE WHACKED!

WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M NOT SURE, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY POSSIBLE...

[LAUGHS] YES, IT IS A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY.

I THINK I KNOW WHY SHE CALLED US ALL HERE.

THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE... THAT SHE CALLED US ALL HERE BECAUSE...

BECAUSE SHE WANTS US ALL TO DO HER...

TOGETHER!

YOU KNOW, TRIPLE-TEAM HER!

-SHE WANTS THE FUCKING PLAN! -YOU CAN'T LET THAT SHIT GO.

-THAT IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS! -IT COULD'VE BEEN HER FANTASY RIGHT FROM THE START.

COME ON. SHE'S BEEN SEEING ALL THREE OF US FOR A FEW WEEKS NOW.

IF SHE WANTED TO MAKE A CHOICE, SHE WOULD'VE DONE SO A LONG TIME AGO.

SHE WANTS THE PLAN!

SHE'S IN THE FUCKING SHOWER SOAPING HERSELF UP.

SHE'S CLEANING HERSELF UP BECAUSE SHE WANTS US ALL TO BONE HER.

-HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT! -MY MIA DOESN'T WANT THE PLAN.

I KNOW SHE WANTS TO FUCK ME, BUT NOT YOU GUYS.

YOUR MIA? COME ON!

YEAH, MY MIA.

GUYS, BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT, BUT I'M BONING!

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT IS WHAT KEEPS THE CHICKS COMING BACK, MY MAN.

YOU'VE GOT SOME FUCKED-UP SHIT GOIN' ON!

AT LEAST I'VE GOT SOME SHIT GOIN' ON!

WHAT YOU FAG BOYS LOOKIN' AT MY DICK FOR ANYWAY?

LOOK, JUST PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, OKAY? I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU GUYS.

-SERIOUS. -OH, WHAT NOW?

I MADE, UH, A DECISION ABOUT SOMETHING.

IT'S THE TOUGHEST DECISION I'VE EVER HAD TO MAKE.

I KNEW YOU'D COME OUT EVENTUALLY. IT'S OKAY. BEIN' GAY IS HIP NOW.

THIS IS SERIOUS. IT'S NOT A JOKE! JUST LISTEN.

-I LOVE MIA. -[LAUGHING]

-AND MIA LOVES ME. -[LAUGHING]

AND I THINK I'M GONNA ASK HER TO MARRY ME.

-ARE YOU KIDDING ME? -WHOA.

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA HAVE SOME EFFECT ON OUR FRIENDSHIP.

BUT IF YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS FOR MIA,

THEN YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FRIENDS.

[SCOFFS] FINE. FUCK YOU THEN.

MY GOD, MIA DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

JESUS, JONATHAN, YOU CAN BE SO NAIVE SOMETIMES.

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD USE A GOOD LAUGH. WHY DON'T YOU GO IN RIGHT NOW...

AND ASK HER TO MARRY YOU, YOU FUCKING LOSER!

[SIREN WAILING]

-I'M GONNA KILL YOU! -HEY, HEY, HEY! JONATHAN, CHILL OUT!

[SHOUTING]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

PUT YOUR PANTS ON.

ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MINDS?

I WOULD SAY THAT THE ONE THING THAT YOU CAN NEVER BE PREPARED FOR...

WITH MARRIED LIFE...

IS THE SHOPPING.

IT ALL SEEMS TO HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH SHOPPING.

THERE IS ALWAYS SHOPPING TO BE DONE.

SOMEWHERE. SHOPPING.

I'VE KINDA GOTTEN INTO ANTIQUING.

BUT THAT'S JUST 'CAUSE THE CHICKS ARE USUALLY BETTER-LOOKING.

MY SPECIALTY...

WHEN I WAS HANGING OUT WITH THE GUYS AND SCAMMING,

WAS SOMETHING CALLED "JUMPING ON THE GRENADE."

THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE OUT WITH A GROUP OF GUYS.

YOU MEET WITH A GROUP OF WOMEN, OR FIND A GROUP OF WOMEN.

AND USUALLY ONE OF THEM IS A LITTLE LESS ATTRACTIVE. THIS IS THE GRENADE.

AND IT WOULD BE MY JOB TO JUMP ON THE GRENADE.

TO SORT OF KEEP EVERYTHING FLOWING FOR THE EVENING.

THAT WAS MY THING.

THEN I MARRIED THE GRENADE.

I PULLED HER PIN.

-SHE JUST THREW YOU GUYS OUT? -YEAH, BECAUSE TARZAN HERE THOUGHT SHE WANTED THE PLAN...

AND GOT NAKED.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE.

-AND YOU NEVER EVEN FOUND OUT WHAT HER CHOICE WAS? -NOPE.

THEN FAG BOY FREAKED OUT ON US AND LEFT THE PLACE.

DO YOU KNOW HE'S THINKING ABOUT ASKING MIA TO MARRY HIM?

-NO! -YEAH. SHE'LL NEVER MARRY HIM!

RIGHT?

-OF COURSE NOT! -OF COURSE NOT.

ZEKE: NO WAY.

AHH, HERE COMES THE PRINCESS NOW.

ERIC: HEY, JONATHAN. BRAD: HEY, DUDE.

I JUST WANT YOU GUYS TO KNOW...

THAT I OFFICIALLY DO NOT LIKE YOU ANYMORE.

[SCOFFS]

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, WE ARE NO LONGER FRIENDS.

-JONATHAN? -JUST STAY OUT OF IT. OKAY?

THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND THEM.

SO I BROUGHT SOME THINGS.

HERE ARE YOUR KARATE VIDEOS...

THAT YOU LENT ME. SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO RETURN THEM, BUT I WAS BUSY.

YOU CAN HAVE IT BACK.

EVERY TIME I USE IT, I THINK OF YOU, AND IT MAKES ME UPSET.

DUDE, COULD I HAVE THAT?

-DUDE, IT'S A BONER TONER! -I'M GONNA GO.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND RELAX? SIT DOWN.

JONATHAN, I ORDERED YOU SOME WAFFLES AND SAUSAGE.

COME ON, MAN. HAVE A SEAT.

I'M NOT STAYING. I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

ARE YOU REALLY WILLING TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT FOR MIA?

YEAH. THAT'S HOW MUCH SHE MEANS TO ME.

[HUMMING]

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT THE FUCK?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

JUST, UNO MOMENTO.

HEY, YOU GUYS!

UM, LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

BUT I'M KINDA BUSY RIGHT NOW.

WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?

MIA: JUST SOME GUYS I MET IN ITALY LAST SUMMER.

-THEY'RE VISITING ME FOR A WHILE. -VISITING?

YEAH. BUT I'LL CALL YOU GUYS LATER.

LATER IN THE WEEK. OKAY?

-BUT, MIA! -WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

I'M SORRY. GOTTA GO.

-I'M GONNA KICK SOME SALAMI MOTHERFUCKER ASS! -CALM DOWN, MAN.

FUCK YOU! LET IT GO. FOR ALL YOU KNOW THEY COULD BE HER COUSINS.

COUSINS? GIMME A BREAK. SHE WAS TOTALLY MACKING THAT GODDAMN MEATBALL.

-MAYBE THEY'RE VERY CLOSE COUSINS. -WHAT?

-MIA? -DUDE, ONE OF THEM'S GRABBIN' HER ASS!

-WHERE? -DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

-ALL FUCKING THREE ARE GRABBING HER ASS! -WHAT THE FUCK!

-MIA! MIA! -THAT WAS THE LAST TIME ANY OF US SAW OR HEARD FROM MIA.

SHE JUST KIND OF VANISHED.

I GUESS I SHOULD BE ANGRY.

SHE COULD'VE HAD THE BEST. ME!

AS FOR THE GROUP? WELL, WE TRIED TO GET BACK INTO THE GROOVE.

I HAVE TO TAKE A SHIT SO BAD.

I'M LOOKING AROUND, THERE'S NO BATHROOM, OKAY? I CAN BARELY HOLD IT IN.

ZEKE WAS BACK TO GETTING ROBBED ONCE A WEEK.

THE BASTARD WAS WATCHING.

ERIC WAS STILL TRYING TO FIND CREATIVE WAYS TO PORK HIS WIFE.

HONEY, READY OR NOT, HERE I COME.

-[LORAINE SCREAMS] -HE'D DO ANYTHING TO STAY PART OF THE GROUP.

AND JONATHAN? WELL...

LET'S SEE.

WHO WILL IT BE TONIGHT?

AS FOR ME...

DAMN! MY SISTER NEVER TOLD ME HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU WERE.

SHE'S GONNA GET IT WHEN SHE GETS IN FROM COLORADO.

COLORADO? I THOUGHT JEN LIVED IN BOSTON.

OH, WHATEVER.

BRAD: AND SOON WE FACED THE INEVITABLE:

OUR LITTLE TRADITION BEGAN TO DISBAND,

TILL FINALLY, IT WAS NO MORE.

JONATHAN'S VOICE: WE HAD NEVER LET ANYBODY GET BETWEEN US BEFORE.

I GUESS IT TOOK SOMEBODY AS SPECIAL AS MIA

TO OPEN OUR EYES... AND MAKE US REALIZE...

THAT WOMEN ARE A LOT MORE LIKE US.

WELL, LOT MORE LIKE ZEKE AND BRAD...

THAN WE EVER IMAGINED.

JONATHAN'S VOICE: I'M WORRIED ABOUT HER.

I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT SHE'S REALLY HURTING INSIDE.

MIA: BRAD WAS NEVER... I MEAN NEVER--FULLY HARD. -WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEVER?

WHY DIDN'T YOU BAIL?

JONATHAN'S VOICE: I JUST REALLY HOPE SHE'S OKAY.

IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL. EVIDENTLY NOT.

-SO, WHAT HAPPENED? -DID HE EVER GET IT IN?

MMM, SORT OF.

I GOTTA SAY, I KINDA FELT SORRY FOR THE GUY.

I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY SAD WATCHING HIM STRUGGLE.

HE WOULD JUST KIND OF, YOU KNOW,

BANG IT UP AGAINST ME... LIKE FUCKING RAIN MAN.

I KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE. IT'S LIKE FITTING A MARSHMALLOW IN A KEYHOLE.

-IT'S LIKE PLAYING POOL WITH A STRING. -OKAY.

HOW DO YOU GET A CONDOM ON LIKE THAT?

WHAT DOES HE NEED A CONDOM FOR? GUY NEEDS A SPLINT.

-YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN WORSE? THE GUY HAD ASS-ROT. -WHAT?

[WOMEN GROAN]

-I'M SORRY, BUT HE DID. -DISGUSTING!

-I'M SERIOUS. -YOU KNOW WHY? THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO WIPE. TRUE.

AND THEN THERE WAS ZEKE. ZEKE WAS LIKE...

DOWNTOWN ART BOY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THE GUY WAS SO FUCKING CONCEITED IN BED.

AND THE IRONY IS... HE HAD THE SMALLEST COCK I HAVE EVER SEEN.

IT WAS ALL TIP AND NO SHAFT.

I'M SERIOUS.

IT WAS LIKE A FUCKING ACORN RESTING ON HIS BALLS.

AND THEN, TO TOP IT OFF, THE GUY'S A FUCKING FREAK IN BED.

HE'D BE LIKE, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

-"WHO'S YOUR DADDY!" -OH!

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT WAS THE MOST HE EVER ASKED ME ABOUT MYSELF.

THEN THERE WAS JONATHAN. YEAH, HE WAS HARMLESS, JONATHAN.

YEAH, I COULD'VE HUNG OUT WITH HIM FOR A LITTLE WHILE LONGER.

-WHOA, MIA! ARE YOU GETTING "EMO" ON US? -PLEASE!

-WHAT'S "EMO"? -EMOTIONS. OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD.

I KINDA FELT BAD FOR HIM. THAT'S ALL. THEN AGAIN, HE DID HAVE IT COMING.

-OF COURSE HE HAD IT COMING. -EXACTLY.

FUCK THIS SHIT, I WANT DETAILS. DID HE HAVE A BIG DICK?

COME ON, GIVE IT TO US.

PACKAGE SIZE.

OH, MY.

COME ON!

-NO. -HOLY SHIT!

-BABY! -GOD! YOU GO, GIRL!

DOES HE HAVE ANY COUSINS OR BROTHERS?

-SO, IS THAT ALL OF THEM? -MMM, NO. THEN THERE WAS ALSO ERIC.

ERIC WAS LIKE THE PATHETIC FUCKING MARRIED FRIEND.

MARRIED, NOT MARRIED, MARRIED, NOT MARRIED, MARRIED.

COMES OVER TO MY HOUSE. GIVES ME THIS WHOLE SOB STORY...

ABOUT HOW IT'S MY FAULT THAT ALL HIS FRIENDS...

-ARE ABANDONING HIM ON THEIR SUNDAY BRUNCHES. -WHICH IT WAS.

OF COURSE, BUT I DIDN'T LET HIM KNOW THAT.

SO, WHAT'D YOU DO?

I BLEW HIM.

OH, YEAH! WHO'S YOUR DADDY NOW?

-HE ACTUALLY TASTED GOOD. -HIS WIFE PROBABLY READS COSMO.

MIA, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' PRO.

WHERE DO YOU FIND THESE GUYS?

EVER SINCE I SAW THEM GO TO WORK ON THOSE THREE GIRLS IN THE PARK THAT DAY

I KNEW THEY WERE THE ONES.

I MEAN, THEY HAD THE BLOATED EGOS, THE LOOK, THE LINES.

I MEAN, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS.

-WHY ARE MEN IDIOTS? -I FIGURED THESE GUYS OUT IN MINUTES. THEY WERE PERFECT.

IT WAS SO FUCKING AWESOME WATCHING THEM SCRAMBLE IN THEIR OWN GAME.

THINKING THEY'RE GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN. THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM.

MIA'S VOICE: THE POINT IS THAT IT'S FUN. I MEAN...

YEAH, IT'S FUN. GUYS DO IT ALL THE TIME.

YOU GOTTA BE WILLING TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES IF YOU'RE GONNA SCAM.

YOU KNOW? EVERYBODY FUCKS EVERYBODY IN THE END.

YOU GOTTA BE PREPARED. IT'S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.

NEXT, PLEASE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT DOWN HERE, LADY.

IT'S BEEN CLOGGED ALL WEEK.

OH, I THINK I GOT SOMETHIN' HERE.

THAT'S WHERE IT IS! GIMME THAT!

-[PANTING] -[GROANING]

HERE COMES PAPA!

[LAUGHING]

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

AHHH!

WHAT THE HELL?

I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO COME ALL WEEK, AND THAT'S WHY.

-WHAT'S THAT SMELL? -WHAT?

[LAUGHS]

NEVER MIND.

LOOK, JUST PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON.

I GOTTA TALK TO YOU GUYS. SERIOUS.

WHAT NOW?

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE GUYS SAY...

ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALWAYS GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT LORAINE,

AND TRY TO COCK-BLOCK ME AT BARS.

COCK-BLOCK. THAT'S WHERE, LET'S SAY, YOU'RE AT A BAR,

AND YOU'RE TRYING TO HIT ON A WOMAN, AND SHE'S COMPLETELY BUYING YOUR SHIT.

AND THEN ONE OF YOUR ASSHOLE FRIENDS COMES UP AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, MAN, HOW'S THE WIFE?"

THAT'S AN INSTANT COCK-BLOCK. YOU CANNOT TALK YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT SHIT.

LADY: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PICK UP WOMEN AT BARS IF YOU'RE MARRIED?

WHAT?

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PICK UP WOMEN AT BARS IF YOU'RE MARRIED?

[SCOFFS] I MEAN, COME ON.

I'M A GUY.

[SONG PLAYING]

MALE SINGER: ♪ SO I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER WHY

♪ IT ESCAPES ME WHY YOU LIED

♪ ABOUT THE CHANGE FOR THE WORSE THAT MAKES YOUR LOVE

♪ SO WHY MUST I KNOW

♪ IF I REPEATEDLY LET GO

♪ IT'S THE SADDEST OF TRUTHS I DON'T KNOW

♪ AND THAT'S THE LOWEST BLOW

♪ IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

♪ I CANNOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

♪ IF YOU TRY TOO HARD TO FIND A REASON

♪ I'LL BLAME YOU

♪ I'LL BLAME

♪ YOU PUSHED THE BUTTON I SCREAM

♪ I TOE THE LINE YOU'RE CROSSING

♪ FUNNY WHILE YOU KEEP ON LAUGHING

♪ MY TOP'S ABOUT TO BLOW

♪ WHY WHEN MY FACE TURNS RED

♪ YOU DON'T REMEMBER A THING YOU SAID

♪ YOU WANNA GO BACK TO THE GOOD TIMES

♪ AND THE WAY THINGS WERE INSTEAD

♪ IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

♪ I CANNOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

♪ IF YOU TRY TOO HARD TO FIND A REASON

♪ I'LL BLAME YOU

♪ IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

♪ I CANNOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

♪ IF YOU TRY TOO HARD TO FIND A REASON

♪ A REASON

[ROCK CONTINUES]

♪ EVERY TIME I PLAY THIS GAME

♪ REMINDS ME JUST HOW BAD I AM AT IT

♪ WHEN I GO TO SAY YOUR NAME

♪ REMINDS ME JUST HOW BAD I AM AT IT

♪ IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

♪ I CANNOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

♪ IF YOU TRY TOO HARD TO FIND A REASON

♪ I'LL BLAME YOU

♪ IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT

♪ I CANNOT KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

♪ IF YOU TRY TOO HARD TO FIND A REASON

♪ I'LL BLAME YOU

♪ I'LL BLAME YOU

[WHIP CRACKING]