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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,950 SUBTITLES BY EXPLOSIVESKULL 2 00:00:04,952 --> 00:00:06,484 WHICH WAY IS IT? 3 00:00:06,486 --> 00:00:07,954 THE NUMBERS, ARE THEY GOING UP OR DOWN? 4 00:00:07,956 --> 00:00:09,821 - THIS WAY. - CRAZY. IT'S LIKE A MA... 5 00:00:09,823 --> 00:00:12,958 THIS IS NOT THE WAY. IT'S 142. 6 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:16,328 - WHAT? - YOUR SHIRT IS SOAKING WET. WHAT DID YOU DO? 7 00:00:16,330 --> 00:00:19,332 YES, WELL, IT'S SPRING AND IT'S 90 DEGREES. WHAT'S... 8 00:00:19,334 --> 00:00:21,733 THE MECHANIC COULDN'T FIX YOUR A/C, COULD HE? 9 00:00:21,735 --> 00:00:24,704 NO, NO. I THINK WE SKIPPED, UH... 10 00:00:24,706 --> 00:00:26,739 YOU KNOW, YOUR CAR IS GONNA DIE ANYWAY. 11 00:00:26,741 --> 00:00:29,375 YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MUCH MORE SPACIOUS. 12 00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:31,676 NO, MY CAR IS FINE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE 13 00:00:31,678 --> 00:00:34,279 IF WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE AN HOUR IN THE HEAT. 14 00:00:36,516 --> 00:00:38,686 OH, COME ON. 142. 15 00:00:53,433 --> 00:00:55,867 WHAT'S THE GOOD MOVE? WHAT YOU REALLY NEED... 16 00:00:55,869 --> 00:00:57,271 UGH. 17 00:01:04,545 --> 00:01:06,348 YOU EVER LOOKED AT WHAT... 18 00:01:07,782 --> 00:01:09,914 YOU EVER LOOKED AT THE WORD "THERAPIST"? 19 00:01:09,916 --> 00:01:12,018 "THE RAPIST." 20 00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:14,819 THEY'RE LITERALLY TELLING YOU WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TO YOU. 21 00:01:14,821 --> 00:01:17,322 WE'RE WALKING RIGHT... WE'RE DUPES. 22 00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:19,327 YOU'RE AN IDIOT. 23 00:01:23,830 --> 00:01:26,432 HEY, REMEMBER BEFORE THE KIDS? 24 00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,768 - I DO. - YEAH... 25 00:01:28,770 --> 00:01:30,803 WHEN WE USED TO MAKE FUN OF COUPLES THERAPY. 26 00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:34,940 "OH, I CAN'T GO OUT TONIGHT. I HAVE A DATE NIGHT." 27 00:01:34,942 --> 00:01:38,510 OH, YES. NO, NO. WE WOULD KILL EACH OTHER, BUT FOR THE CHILDREN. 28 00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:39,644 FOR THE CHILDREN, YES. 29 00:01:42,984 --> 00:01:44,485 SHH. 30 00:01:57,799 --> 00:02:00,566 OKAY, WE'RE NOT LIKE THEM, RIGHT? 31 00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:02,000 NO. HELL, NO. WE'RE COOL. 32 00:02:02,002 --> 00:02:03,703 YEAH. 33 00:02:03,705 --> 00:02:06,438 WE DON'T NEED THERAPY. 34 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,340 - NO. - NO. 35 00:02:08,342 --> 00:02:11,577 WE JUST NEED A LITTLE TUNE-UP. 36 00:02:11,579 --> 00:02:13,814 - YEAH. - LIKE MY CAR. 37 00:02:15,982 --> 00:02:17,618 OKAY, YOU NEED A NEW CAR. 38 00:02:21,688 --> 00:02:23,923 SO, WHAT BRINGS THE TWO OF YOU HERE TODAY? 39 00:02:23,925 --> 00:02:26,295 - WE DON'T HAVE SEX. - WE DON'T COMMUNICATE. 40 00:02:27,729 --> 00:02:28,793 YOU'RE MARRIED. 41 00:02:28,795 --> 00:02:30,529 - YOU HAVE CHILDREN. - MM-HMM. 42 00:02:30,531 --> 00:02:32,531 YOU HAVE JOBS. 43 00:02:32,533 --> 00:02:34,966 I'M GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW. 44 00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:38,804 YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL. 100%. 45 00:02:38,806 --> 00:02:41,473 IN FACT, MOST COUPLES YOUR AGE 46 00:02:41,475 --> 00:02:44,744 WILL GO THROUGH A VERY, VERY ROUGH PERIOD. 47 00:02:44,746 --> 00:02:47,446 OKAY. THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW. 48 00:02:47,448 --> 00:02:49,382 SO, MARIA, WHY DON'T I START WITH YOU, OKAY? 49 00:02:49,384 --> 00:02:51,015 UH, WELL, WHERE TO START? UM... 50 00:02:51,017 --> 00:02:53,686 WE USED TO STAY UP LATE AND JUST TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING... 51 00:02:53,688 --> 00:02:55,121 YOU'RE LISTENING TO "SPORTS AND TALK," 52 00:02:55,123 --> 00:02:57,956 A WEEKLY PODCAST ABOUT SPORTS... AND A LITTLE TALK. 53 00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:00,459 YEAH, SO, WE, UH, WE WENT TO SEE A THERAPIST. 54 00:03:00,461 --> 00:03:02,161 GOD DAMN IT! NOT YOU, TOO! 55 00:03:02,163 --> 00:03:04,062 GOD, I AM SO SORRY, ALLAN. 56 00:03:04,064 --> 00:03:05,965 I THOUGHT WE WERE DIFFERENT. 57 00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:08,633 WE HAD A CONVERSATION BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. 58 00:03:08,635 --> 00:03:10,504 NOT GONNA TURN INTO OUR PARENTS. 59 00:03:11,738 --> 00:03:13,773 - WHAT HAPPENED? - KIDS HAPPENED. 60 00:03:13,775 --> 00:03:16,976 THIS RIGHT HERE, IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT. 61 00:03:16,978 --> 00:03:19,711 NOW, WE'VE DISCUSSED THE DANCE WE MEN PARTAKE IN MARRIAGE, RIGHT? 62 00:03:19,713 --> 00:03:21,881 SOMETIMES YOU LEAD, SOMETIMES YOU FOLLOW... 63 00:03:21,883 --> 00:03:24,182 - MOSTLY FOLLOW. - SOMETIMES YOU SHUT UP AND PLAY THE FAMILY PET. 64 00:03:24,184 --> 00:03:27,119 BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES YOU GET TO STEP UP AND BE A MAN. 65 00:03:27,121 --> 00:03:28,586 WELL, THAT'S JUST A BAD IDEA, GENERALLY SPEAKING. 66 00:03:28,588 --> 00:03:30,722 WHAT GOOD CAN COME FROM THERAPY, HUH? 67 00:03:30,724 --> 00:03:33,192 WOMEN DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE SICK SHIT SWIMMING AROUND IN OUR HEADS. 68 00:03:33,194 --> 00:03:35,460 YOU JUST GOTTA DO YOUR TIME AND DON'T SAY ANYTHING. 69 00:03:35,462 --> 00:03:37,162 AND IF YOU HAVE TO, THEN JUST LIE ABOUT IT. 70 00:03:37,164 --> 00:03:41,466 AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, ALLAN, DO NOT MENTION THE SEX. 71 00:03:41,468 --> 00:03:43,002 I'M TELLING YOU, THAT'S 12 SESSIONS RIGHT THERE. 72 00:03:43,004 --> 00:03:45,037 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS RAPIST CHARGES? 73 00:03:45,039 --> 00:03:46,704 CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT SPORTS AGAIN? 74 00:03:46,706 --> 00:03:48,206 MY SHRINK IS FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH MY WIFE NOW, 75 00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:49,708 SO MY LIFE IS, LIKE, BASICALLY OVER. 76 00:03:49,710 --> 00:03:50,942 TAG TEAM. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO! 77 00:03:50,944 --> 00:03:52,944 ALLAN? 78 00:03:52,946 --> 00:03:54,145 ALLAN! 79 00:03:54,147 --> 00:03:56,115 - WHAT? HI. - HI. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 80 00:03:56,117 --> 00:03:58,584 YES. THAT'S CORRECT. 81 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:01,020 NO, ABOUT WHAT MARIA WAS SAYING. 82 00:04:01,022 --> 00:04:03,756 WHAT WERE WE JUST TALKING ABOUT? 83 00:04:03,758 --> 00:04:05,657 COMMUNICATION, BABE. 84 00:04:05,659 --> 00:04:08,593 HEY, WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK OF THE IDEA 85 00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:11,464 OF, UM, JUST REALLY WORKING ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 86 00:04:11,466 --> 00:04:14,799 NO KIDS. JUST YOU AND MARIA. 87 00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:17,068 MAYBE TRY A NEW RESTAURANT. 88 00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:19,772 - OKAY. - YOU MEAN, LIKE, DATE NIGHT? 89 00:04:19,774 --> 00:04:23,775 WELL, YOU KNOW, JUST, YEAH, JUST YOU TWO. 90 00:04:23,777 --> 00:04:26,946 JUST, UM, TALKING TRUTHFULLY, NON-SEXUALLY. 91 00:04:26,948 --> 00:04:28,513 UH, SO, STILL NO SEX. 92 00:04:28,515 --> 00:04:30,715 IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT THE GODDAMN SEX, ALLAN. 93 00:04:30,717 --> 00:04:32,951 WELL, I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY... ISN'T THAT WHY WE'RE HERE? 94 00:04:32,953 --> 00:04:35,087 I MEAN, ONE OF THE REASONS WHY WE'RE HERE? 95 00:04:35,089 --> 00:04:36,688 I THINK WHAT YOU'RE HERE FOR IS A JOURNEY 96 00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:38,756 THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE GOING THROUGH. 97 00:04:38,758 --> 00:04:42,895 IT'S VERY IMPERATIVE THAT YOU OPEN THE COMMUNICATION CHANNELS. 98 00:04:42,897 --> 00:04:44,696 EXACTLY. COMMUNICATION. 99 00:04:44,698 --> 00:04:47,532 SO I'M GOING TO RECOMMEND 12 SESSIONS TO START WITH. 100 00:04:47,534 --> 00:04:49,200 - OKAY. - SAME TIME NEXT WEEK? 101 00:04:49,202 --> 00:04:52,638 - YEAH. - YES. WHAT WAS YOUR RATE AGAIN? 102 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:53,938 YOU MENTIONED THE SEX, DIDN'T YOU? 103 00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:55,241 I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION THE SEX! 104 00:04:55,243 --> 00:04:57,008 YOU BROUGHT THIS SHIT ON YOURSELF. 105 00:04:57,010 --> 00:04:59,177 IT'S $300. 12 SESSIONS. HOW MUCH IS THAT? 106 00:04:59,179 --> 00:05:01,046 IT'S NOT THAT BAD. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. 107 00:05:01,048 --> 00:05:03,648 DON'T LIKE TO HIM! HE'S NOT GONNA BE FINE. HE'S SCREWED! 108 00:05:03,650 --> 00:05:06,051 - WE ALL ARE. - NO, I'LL BE FINE. 109 00:05:06,053 --> 00:05:08,119 I'LL BE FINE. AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T MENTION THE MINIVAN AGAIN. 110 00:05:08,121 --> 00:05:11,189 LISTEN UP. ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER THAT WOMAN WHO YOU THOUGHT GOT YOU, 111 00:05:11,191 --> 00:05:14,592 WHO YOU DESIRED, WHO DID ALL THAT WONDERFUL SHIT 112 00:05:14,594 --> 00:05:15,994 THAT MADE YOU SQUEAL IN BED, REMEMBER HER? 113 00:05:15,996 --> 00:05:17,162 OH, MY GOD, HERE WE GO WITH THIS. 114 00:05:17,164 --> 00:05:19,631 THAT WOMAN VANISHED 115 00:05:19,633 --> 00:05:21,599 THE SECOND KIDS ENTERED THE PICTURE. POOF! 116 00:05:23,837 --> 00:05:25,070 SHE'S RIGHT. 117 00:05:25,072 --> 00:05:26,705 I MEAN, IF ANYTHING, FOR THE KIDS. 118 00:05:26,707 --> 00:05:28,907 I MEAN, YOU AND I, WE'RE GROWN-UPS, 119 00:05:28,909 --> 00:05:31,277 - BUT THEY, LIKE... - KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS, KIDS. 120 00:05:31,279 --> 00:05:32,811 THAT'S ALL THEY CARE ABOUT, IS KIDS. 121 00:05:32,813 --> 00:05:34,078 AND WE'RE LEFT TO DO WHAT? 122 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,015 OPEN JARS, 123 00:05:36,017 --> 00:05:38,717 WARM BEDS, MEANINGLESS SHIT LIKE THAT. 124 00:05:38,719 --> 00:05:40,619 THEY DON'T NEED US! AND THEY KNOW IT! 125 00:05:40,621 --> 00:05:42,655 - NOBODY CARES ABOUT US. - AH! 126 00:05:42,657 --> 00:05:44,188 THEY DO NOT CARE ABOUT US! 127 00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:45,290 LOOK, YOU'RE JUST BLOWING THIS 128 00:05:45,292 --> 00:05:46,691 OUT OF PROPORTION RIGHT NOW. 129 00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:48,092 HE'S GOING THROUGH A DRY SPELL... 130 00:05:48,094 --> 00:05:49,294 ON TOP OF A ROUGH PATCH. 131 00:05:49,296 --> 00:05:51,130 FOLLOWED BY THE DRY SPOT AFTER THAT, 132 00:05:51,132 --> 00:05:52,830 AND THE ONE AFTER THAT, 133 00:05:52,832 --> 00:05:54,566 OH, AND LET'S NOT FORGET ABOUT THE ONE AFTER THAT. 134 00:05:54,568 --> 00:05:56,167 - THERE'S MORE? - OH, THERE'S A LOT MORE. 135 00:05:56,169 --> 00:05:57,902 NATHAN KICKED TWO OF HIS FRIENDS TODAY. 136 00:05:57,904 --> 00:05:59,571 THERE'S MORE THAN A FEW DRY SPOTS, YES. 137 00:05:59,573 --> 00:06:01,073 I'M NOT GONNA LIE. 138 00:06:01,075 --> 00:06:03,142 AND THE KIDS, MAN, THE KIDS. DO THEY EVEN LIKE YOU? 139 00:06:03,144 --> 00:06:04,676 I'M TELLING YOU, THEY'RE LIKE DOGS, MAN. 140 00:06:04,678 --> 00:06:05,977 THEY CAN SNIFF THIS SHIT OUT. 141 00:06:05,979 --> 00:06:07,212 THEY CAN LITERALLY SENSE 142 00:06:07,214 --> 00:06:08,580 THE SELF-RESPECT LEAVING YOUR BODY. 143 00:06:08,582 --> 00:06:09,582 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 144 00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:10,915 DON'T LISTEN TO THAT 145 00:06:10,917 --> 00:06:12,684 BECAUSE KIDS DON'T RESPECT ANYBODY, OKAY? 146 00:06:12,686 --> 00:06:14,052 HE IS RIGHT ABOUT THE DOGS, THOUGH, 147 00:06:14,054 --> 00:06:15,054 THAT'S SUPER CREEPY. 148 00:06:16,791 --> 00:06:18,323 ALL RIGHT. 149 00:06:18,325 --> 00:06:20,191 WE HAVE TO GET THIS FIXED. WE HAVE TO CALL HIM AGAIN. 150 00:06:20,193 --> 00:06:21,193 THIS IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. 151 00:06:23,798 --> 00:06:25,731 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. 152 00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,732 THAT'S IT. GET IT OUT. 153 00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:30,035 OH, SHUT UP! 154 00:06:30,037 --> 00:06:32,203 - WAIT, SAY WHAT? - WHAT'D YOU SAY? 155 00:06:32,205 --> 00:06:33,237 NOTHING, NOTHING. 156 00:06:33,239 --> 00:06:34,773 WE'RE ALL GOOD. WE'RE GOOD. 157 00:06:34,775 --> 00:06:36,975 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS 158 00:06:36,977 --> 00:06:38,710 TO FIND A WOMAN LIKE MARIA? 159 00:06:38,712 --> 00:06:40,011 AND I LOVE HER. 160 00:06:40,013 --> 00:06:41,713 AND THE LITTLE FUCKERS. 161 00:06:41,715 --> 00:06:44,316 YEAH, YEAH, THEY TEST ME, OKAY? 162 00:06:44,318 --> 00:06:45,850 BUT I LOVE 'EM. 163 00:06:45,852 --> 00:06:47,318 AND I'M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MARIA AGAIN, 164 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,655 EVEN IF IT COSTS ME $300 TIMES 12 SESSIONS, SO BE IT. 165 00:06:50,657 --> 00:06:52,256 YES. SPOKEN LIKE A REAL MAN. 166 00:06:52,258 --> 00:06:53,958 THANK YOU. 167 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,260 I GUESS IT COULD BE WORSE. 168 00:06:55,262 --> 00:06:57,296 I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE'S ASKING YOU FOR A VASECTOMY, RIGHT? 169 00:06:57,298 --> 00:06:58,963 UGH. 170 00:06:58,965 --> 00:07:00,765 OOH. ALL RIGHT, SORRY, HONEY. 171 00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,333 - JUST ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND. - AND THIS HAS BEEN 172 00:07:02,335 --> 00:07:03,369 "SPORTS AND TALK" FOR THIS WEEK. 173 00:07:03,371 --> 00:07:05,938 NEXT WEEK, SPORTS, I HOPE. 174 00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,205 I CAN DO THIS. 175 00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:08,642 IT'S JUST LIFE. 176 00:07:18,952 --> 00:07:20,953 WELL, THEY'RE DOWN. 177 00:07:20,955 --> 00:07:22,287 UGH. FINALLY, RIGHT? 178 00:07:22,289 --> 00:07:24,023 NATHAN IS, LIKE, 179 00:07:24,025 --> 00:07:25,857 SUPER STRONG. 180 00:07:25,859 --> 00:07:27,225 LIKE SUPERHERO SUPER STRONG. 181 00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:29,962 HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. TYLER WAS THE SAME WAY. 182 00:07:29,964 --> 00:07:31,664 TYLER WAS NEVER THAT STRONG. 183 00:07:31,666 --> 00:07:33,765 I MEAN, I KNOW GROWN MEN WHO ARE NOT THAT STRONG. 184 00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:36,068 - AH. THIS WILL HELP. - MM-HMM. 185 00:07:37,804 --> 00:07:39,039 MM-HMM. 186 00:07:40,907 --> 00:07:41,909 YEAH, THAT'S BETTER. 187 00:07:45,912 --> 00:07:47,246 WE CAN DO THIS, RIGHT? 188 00:07:47,248 --> 00:07:48,347 THE THERAPY? 189 00:07:48,349 --> 00:07:49,847 I DON'T KNOW. 190 00:07:49,849 --> 00:07:51,015 CAN YOU KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT SEX 191 00:07:51,017 --> 00:07:53,818 FOR, LIKE, TWO SECONDS? 192 00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:55,054 YES, I THINK I CAN. 193 00:07:55,056 --> 00:07:57,155 I MEAN, WE HAVE THREE KIDS. 194 00:07:57,157 --> 00:07:59,424 WHAT'S A LITTLE THERAPY? PIECE OF CAKE. 195 00:07:59,426 --> 00:08:00,958 - YOU'RE RIGHT. - YEAH. 196 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960 WE'RE PROFESSIONALS AT THIS LIFE THING. 197 00:08:02,962 --> 00:08:03,962 - DON'T YOU THINK? - MM-HMM. 198 00:08:03,964 --> 00:08:05,130 ALTHOUGH, I WILL SAY, 199 00:08:05,132 --> 00:08:07,833 I THINK 12 SESSIONS IS... 200 00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:08,866 NOT JUST A LITTLE THERAPY. 201 00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,369 IT DOES SEEM A BIT EXCESSIVE. 202 00:08:10,371 --> 00:08:13,172 I MEAN, DO WE REALLY NEED A THERAPIST TO TELL US TO GO ON A DATE NIGHT? 203 00:08:13,174 --> 00:08:15,441 NO! GOD, I MEAN, WHY HAVEN'T WE BEEN DOING THIS MORE ANYWAY? 204 00:08:15,443 --> 00:08:16,441 I'M NOT SURE. 205 00:08:16,443 --> 00:08:17,975 - MM. - HUH. 206 00:08:17,977 --> 00:08:20,078 I'M SURE AFTER TWO, THREE SESSIONS, 207 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:21,847 - SHE'LL GIVE US THE ALL CLEAR. - YEAH, THREE'S PERFECT. 208 00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,047 ONE FOR EACH KID. 209 00:08:23,049 --> 00:08:25,184 WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH 12 ANYWAY? 210 00:08:25,186 --> 00:08:28,119 MAYBE SHE'S SAVING UP FOR THAT RESTING BITCH FACE REMOVAL OPERATION. 211 00:08:29,724 --> 00:08:31,056 I MEAN, WE COULD TAKE THAT MONEY, 212 00:08:31,058 --> 00:08:34,859 WE COULD USE IT TO FIX YOUR CAR, YOU KNOW? OR... 213 00:08:34,861 --> 00:08:36,494 - PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON A... - OH, YEAH. 214 00:08:36,496 --> 00:08:38,730 THAT'S... I WOULD LOVE TO FIX THE CAR, YOU KNOW? 215 00:08:38,732 --> 00:08:39,931 JUST... GET IT... 216 00:08:39,933 --> 00:08:42,100 WORKING ORDER AGAIN. IT'D BE AWESOME. 217 00:08:42,102 --> 00:08:44,335 I'M SO GLAD WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE. 218 00:08:44,337 --> 00:08:45,738 - WE'LL GONNA BE OKAY, BABE. - YEAH. 219 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:47,372 - YES. - 100%. 220 00:08:47,374 --> 00:08:50,875 YOU TWO HAVE DONE SUCH AMAZING PROGRESS. 221 00:08:50,877 --> 00:08:53,112 YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELVES. 222 00:08:53,114 --> 00:08:54,979 YEAH, I FEEL LIKE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, 223 00:08:54,981 --> 00:08:58,216 WE ACTUALLY HAVE COMMUNICATED ABOUT THINGS NOT KID-RELATED. 224 00:08:58,218 --> 00:09:00,119 YES, WE HAVE. 225 00:09:00,121 --> 00:09:03,522 - WE WENT TO OUR FIRST TWO R-RATED MOVIES, - YEAH. 226 00:09:03,524 --> 00:09:05,090 IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG. 227 00:09:05,092 --> 00:09:06,859 IN A THEATER. AT NIGHT. 228 00:09:06,861 --> 00:09:08,326 WOW, THAT'S GREAT. 229 00:09:08,328 --> 00:09:09,195 SO HOW DO YOU FEEL? 230 00:09:09,197 --> 00:09:10,863 I MEAN, IT FEELS GOOD, YOU KNOW? 231 00:09:10,865 --> 00:09:11,964 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ACTUALLY 232 00:09:11,966 --> 00:09:13,132 - ON OUR WAY, RIGHT? - YEAH. 233 00:09:13,134 --> 00:09:14,832 NO, IT FEELS, YOU KNOW, GREAT. 234 00:09:14,834 --> 00:09:16,301 YOU KNOW, EXCEPT FOR THE, UH... 235 00:09:16,303 --> 00:09:17,335 - ALLAN. - SEX. 236 00:09:17,337 --> 00:09:19,037 OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 237 00:09:19,039 --> 00:09:20,404 A COUPLE MORE SESSIONS AND YOU WILL BE FINE. 238 00:09:20,406 --> 00:09:22,273 OH, YEAH, NO, I THINK... YEAH, WE'LL BE FINE. 239 00:09:22,275 --> 00:09:23,508 IT'LL BE FINE. 240 00:09:23,510 --> 00:09:25,944 WE'VE ACHIEVED EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. 241 00:09:25,946 --> 00:09:28,080 - MM. - AND, UH, COMMUNICATION. 242 00:09:28,082 --> 00:09:31,282 - AND I FEEL GREAT. - YEAH. 243 00:09:31,284 --> 00:09:34,085 AND AFTER ONLY THREE SESSIONS, HUH? 244 00:09:34,087 --> 00:09:35,521 YEAH, WELL, WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU. 245 00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:37,889 - YOU'RE AN AMAZING RAPIST. - THERAPIST. 246 00:09:37,891 --> 00:09:39,524 YOU'RE A GREAT, GREAT THERAPIST. 247 00:09:39,526 --> 00:09:42,360 AND YOU'VE GIVEN US, YOU KNOW, VALUABLE TOOLS. 248 00:09:42,362 --> 00:09:44,396 AND THOSE HANDOUTS YOU GAVE US WERE JUST... THEY WERE... 249 00:09:44,398 --> 00:09:46,197 - VERY INFORMATIVE. - ...REALLY GREAT. 250 00:09:46,199 --> 00:09:47,298 - COLORFUL. - PRETTY. 251 00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,432 AND YET YOU ARE SURE THAT 252 00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:49,433 YOU DO NOT WANT TO CONTINUE 253 00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:50,835 WITH THE 12 SESSIONS. 254 00:09:50,837 --> 00:09:53,004 STILL A LOT MORE THAT WE NEED TO WORK ON. 255 00:09:53,006 --> 00:09:55,507 UM, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT SOME MORE HANDOUTS 256 00:09:55,509 --> 00:09:58,343 AND SOME CLASSES I'D REALLY RECOMMEND. 257 00:09:58,345 --> 00:10:00,812 I ALSO WROTE A BOOK, ALMOST PUBLISHED. 258 00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:02,947 - OH. - SO THERE'S A LOT MORE TO COME. 259 00:10:02,949 --> 00:10:04,349 - YEAH. - NOT AT $300 AN HOUR. 260 00:10:04,351 --> 00:10:06,018 - EXCUSE ME? - WHAT? 261 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,219 OH, MY GOD! 262 00:10:07,221 --> 00:10:08,586 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 263 00:10:08,588 --> 00:10:10,189 HEY, LISTEN, IF WE'RE GONNA SPEND 300 BUCKS 264 00:10:10,191 --> 00:10:11,989 IT'S GONNA BE ON YOU AND ME, 265 00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:13,825 BOTTLE OF BABY OIL, A LITTLE CANDLELIGHT, 266 00:10:13,827 --> 00:10:15,359 - SOME... - OKAY. 267 00:10:15,361 --> 00:10:16,865 YOU HAD ME AT BABY OIL. 268 00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,365 COME ON. 269 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:22,533 I TOLD YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS. 270 00:10:22,535 --> 00:10:25,336 I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA DO IT, 271 00:10:25,338 --> 00:10:27,572 AND I DID IT. I'M GETTING LAID, OKAY? 272 00:10:27,574 --> 00:10:29,474 AFTER THREE SESSIONS. 273 00:10:29,476 --> 00:10:31,609 SHIT. STILL COST YOU NEARLY A GRAND. 274 00:10:31,611 --> 00:10:33,946 NOTHING'S BRINGING ME DOWN TONIGHT, PHIL, OKAY? 275 00:10:33,948 --> 00:10:35,379 NOT EVEN YOU. 276 00:10:35,381 --> 00:10:37,950 I STILL REMEMBER MY FIRST POST-THERAPY SCREW. 277 00:10:37,952 --> 00:10:39,283 IT WAS SO GOOD. 278 00:10:39,285 --> 00:10:41,018 I JUST... IT'S BEEN SO LONG FOR ME. 279 00:10:41,020 --> 00:10:43,388 I HOPE I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANYTHING, YOU KNOW? 280 00:10:43,390 --> 00:10:45,957 OH, YOU KNOW YOU JUST JINXED IT, RIGHT? 281 00:10:45,959 --> 00:10:46,959 WHAT? NO, NO, I DIDN'T. 282 00:10:46,961 --> 00:10:48,026 I DIDN'T JINX ANYTHING. 283 00:10:48,028 --> 00:10:49,862 IT'S NOT, UH... 284 00:10:49,864 --> 00:10:51,864 IT'S NOT JINXABLE. IT'S AN IMPOSSIBILITY. 285 00:10:51,866 --> 00:10:53,465 EH, ACTUALLY, THAT MIGHT'VE JUST JINXED IT. 286 00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,633 JINXED. 287 00:10:54,635 --> 00:10:56,200 LISTENERS, WE ARE GONNA BE BACK 288 00:10:56,202 --> 00:10:59,238 NEXT WEEK WITH SPORTS. 289 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,273 GUARANTEED. 290 00:11:01,275 --> 00:11:03,343 OH, YEAH. 291 00:11:06,112 --> 00:11:08,213 SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH. 292 00:11:08,215 --> 00:11:09,217 OH. 293 00:11:12,986 --> 00:11:14,518 OVER MY HEAD. THE OTHER WAY. 294 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:15,519 OKAY, WAIT, JUST... 295 00:11:15,521 --> 00:11:17,355 WAIT, JUST, DIDN'T GET.. 296 00:11:17,357 --> 00:11:18,956 I'M WIGGLING. 297 00:11:21,194 --> 00:11:23,161 THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD. 298 00:11:27,201 --> 00:11:28,532 ACTUALLY, 299 00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:30,201 - I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. - NO, NO, NO. 300 00:11:30,203 --> 00:11:31,536 - NO, NO, WAIT. NO. - NO, NO, PLEASE. 301 00:11:31,538 --> 00:11:33,205 - CAN IT WAIT? - WAIT. 302 00:11:33,207 --> 00:11:35,106 - CAN'T IT WAIT LIKE A MINUTE? - I'M... I'M JUST... 303 00:11:35,108 --> 00:11:36,108 I'M NOT ON THE PILL. 304 00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:37,676 YOU'RE WHAT? 305 00:11:37,678 --> 00:11:39,610 - WHAT? WHAT, WHAT? - THE PILL. 306 00:11:39,612 --> 00:11:41,345 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - WELL... 307 00:11:41,347 --> 00:11:43,014 WELL, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN KIND OF MOODY LATELY? 308 00:11:43,016 --> 00:11:44,449 WELL, THE DOCTOR SAID IT MIGHT BE THE HORMONES, 309 00:11:44,451 --> 00:11:46,218 SO HE SAID THAT I SHOULD STOP TAKING IT. AND, ACTUALLY, 310 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:47,985 - HE SUGGESTED THAT... - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 311 00:11:47,987 --> 00:11:49,354 WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? 312 00:11:49,356 --> 00:11:51,956 DON'T WE HAVE CONDOMS FROM WHEN I WAS PUMPING? 313 00:11:51,958 --> 00:11:53,224 - YES. - YEAH? 314 00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:54,393 - YES, WE DO. - OKAY, GO GET THEM. 315 00:11:54,395 --> 00:11:56,394 WE DO. 316 00:11:56,396 --> 00:11:58,562 WAIT, SHH, SHH. 317 00:11:58,564 --> 00:12:01,032 SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. 318 00:12:08,475 --> 00:12:10,008 - GOT IT! - OH, GOOD. 319 00:12:10,010 --> 00:12:11,409 SHH! 320 00:12:11,411 --> 00:12:13,512 - OH, MY GOD. - YOU GOT IT? GOOD JOB. 321 00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:16,080 OKAY. 322 00:12:16,082 --> 00:12:17,316 IS THAT THING TOO OLD? 323 00:12:17,318 --> 00:12:18,950 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE. 324 00:12:18,952 --> 00:12:20,185 IT'S FINE. THESE THINGS... THESE THINGS LAST 325 00:12:20,187 --> 00:12:21,552 THROUGH A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. 326 00:12:21,554 --> 00:12:22,553 EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT. 327 00:12:23,590 --> 00:12:25,489 OH, OKAY. 328 00:12:25,491 --> 00:12:26,959 OKAY. 329 00:12:26,961 --> 00:12:28,292 - OH, JEEZ. - ARE YOU OKAY? 330 00:12:28,294 --> 00:12:29,628 - NO, NO, NO, I GOT IT. - YOU GOT IT? 331 00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:31,062 - OH, JEEZ. - YOU NEED HELP? 332 00:12:32,165 --> 00:12:33,297 - DO YOU NEED... - I CAN'T GET IT. 333 00:12:33,299 --> 00:12:34,398 HERE GIVE IT TO ME. 334 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,667 - YEAH. - HOW THIS IT EVEN... 335 00:12:35,669 --> 00:12:36,667 - THIS DOESN'T EVEN... - THE OTHER WAY 336 00:12:36,669 --> 00:12:38,235 IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING, IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING. 337 00:12:38,237 --> 00:12:39,738 IT'S BACKWARDS, BABE. 338 00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:42,106 - HELP ME. HELP ME. - OKAY, WAIT, STAY STILL. 339 00:12:42,108 --> 00:12:43,374 - OKAY. I GOT IT! - OH. 340 00:12:43,376 --> 00:12:44,542 OKAY, I GOT IT. OKAY. 341 00:12:44,544 --> 00:12:45,978 - I LOVE YOU, - I LOVE YOU, TOO. 342 00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:47,211 - OKAY. - OKAY. 343 00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,215 OKAY, WAIT. OKAY, HOLD ON A SECOND, 344 00:12:51,217 --> 00:12:52,551 THAT'S LIKE A LITTLE CROOKED. 345 00:12:52,553 --> 00:12:53,685 - OKAY. - GOT IT? 346 00:12:53,687 --> 00:12:55,186 - NO, IT'S GOOD. OKAY. - OKAY. 347 00:12:55,188 --> 00:12:57,522 OKAY, OKAY. OH. 348 00:12:57,524 --> 00:13:00,258 - WAIT, SHIT, SHIT. - NO, NO. 349 00:13:00,260 --> 00:13:02,027 - I THINK IT BROKE. - NO, NO, NO, PLEASE. 350 00:13:02,029 --> 00:13:04,028 - NO. - IT'S... 351 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:06,633 - I'LL PULL OUT, I PROMISE. - YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PULL OUT, BABE. 352 00:13:08,168 --> 00:13:09,500 JUST, PLEASE, WE'RE SO CLOSE. 353 00:13:09,502 --> 00:13:11,402 THAT'S HOW NATHAN AND LUCY GOT HERE. 354 00:13:11,404 --> 00:13:13,004 WHAT, DO YOU WANT NUMBER FOUR? 355 00:13:13,006 --> 00:13:14,005 NO, IT'S FINE. 356 00:13:14,007 --> 00:13:15,273 IT'S OKAY, BABE. 357 00:13:15,275 --> 00:13:17,109 NO, IT'S OKAY, WE CAN JUST LAY HERE. 358 00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:18,777 JUST LAY HERE AND SPOON A LITTLE BIT. 359 00:13:18,779 --> 00:13:20,612 IT'S FINE. 360 00:13:20,614 --> 00:13:22,480 - IT'S OKAY. - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 361 00:13:22,482 --> 00:13:23,681 - WHAT? - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 362 00:13:23,683 --> 00:13:25,750 - NO. - I KNOW I HAVE ANOTHER ONE. 363 00:13:25,752 --> 00:13:27,485 I BOUGHT THEM A WHILE AGO. 364 00:13:27,487 --> 00:13:29,488 - ALLAN, YOU'RE BEING CRAZY. - I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, 365 00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:31,156 I KNOW I'VE SEEN IT, I'VE SEEN IT. 366 00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:32,791 I CAN SEE IT IN MY MIND, IT'S A... 367 00:13:32,793 --> 00:13:34,359 IT'S A PURPLE... IS IT PURPLE? 368 00:13:34,361 --> 00:13:35,359 IT'S A BLUE, IT'S A BLUE, IT'S BLUE, 369 00:13:35,361 --> 00:13:37,195 IT'S IN THE SIDE TABLE, IT'S IN THE SIDE TABLE. 370 00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,297 IT'S JUST, JUST ONE MINUTE. 371 00:13:39,299 --> 00:13:40,632 WE CAN TRY AGAIN TOMORROW. 372 00:13:40,634 --> 00:13:42,500 NO, NO, NO, NOT TOMORROW, NO, TONIGHT. 373 00:13:42,502 --> 00:13:43,768 AREN'T YOU TIRED? 374 00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:45,302 NO. 375 00:13:45,304 --> 00:13:48,172 OH, MY GOD. 376 00:13:48,174 --> 00:13:49,340 OH, THE DRESSER, THE DRESSER. 377 00:13:49,342 --> 00:13:50,709 YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THE DOCTOR, 378 00:13:50,711 --> 00:13:52,377 HE MENTIONED THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT 379 00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:54,678 MORE PERMANENT WAYS OF BIRTH CONTROL. 380 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,348 WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 381 00:13:56,350 --> 00:13:58,383 NO... YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR TUBES TIED, OKAY? 382 00:13:58,385 --> 00:14:00,051 AND NO MORE O.R.S FOR US. 383 00:14:00,053 --> 00:14:01,552 NO, OF COURSE NOT. 384 00:14:01,554 --> 00:14:03,821 HE ACTUALLY SUGGESTED SOMETHING FOR YOU. 385 00:14:03,823 --> 00:14:05,489 HAVE YOU EVER, UH... 386 00:14:05,491 --> 00:14:08,593 HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A VASECTOMY? 387 00:14:08,595 --> 00:14:10,528 FROM WHAT I HEAR, THEY'RE KIND OF QUICK 388 00:14:10,530 --> 00:14:12,364 AND RELATIVELY PAINLESS, YOU KNOW? 389 00:14:12,366 --> 00:14:15,233 THERE'S NO PILLS, NO HORMONES, YOU KNOW? 390 00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:16,667 NO CONDOMS. 391 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:21,205 WHAT DID YOU... 392 00:14:21,207 --> 00:14:22,541 - ARE YOU KIDDING? - NO. 393 00:14:22,543 --> 00:14:24,776 JUST SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT, YOU KNOW? 394 00:14:24,778 --> 00:14:26,777 IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. 395 00:14:30,284 --> 00:14:32,084 WAIT, WHAT? 396 00:14:32,086 --> 00:14:33,451 ONE MINUTE, I'M ABOUT TO 397 00:14:33,453 --> 00:14:35,152 FINALLY HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE, 398 00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:36,588 AND THE NEXT, 399 00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:40,224 SHE'S SUGGESTING I GET A... 400 00:14:40,226 --> 00:14:41,725 I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT OUT LOUD, I... 401 00:14:41,727 --> 00:14:42,726 JINXED. 402 00:14:42,728 --> 00:14:44,296 I TOLD YOU. 403 00:14:44,298 --> 00:14:45,596 SHE PROBABLY SENSED YOUR HAPPINESS 404 00:14:45,598 --> 00:14:47,566 AND INSTINCTIVELY SHUT YOUR ASS DOWN. 405 00:14:47,568 --> 00:14:49,267 JUST LIKE A WOMAN. 406 00:14:49,269 --> 00:14:50,268 AT LEAST YOU GOT CLOSE, MAN. 407 00:14:50,270 --> 00:14:52,204 I'M HAPPY TO GET ANY KIND OF SEX THAT EVE WILL... 408 00:14:52,206 --> 00:14:53,205 REWARD YOU WITH? 409 00:14:53,207 --> 00:14:55,639 TALK TO ME, MINIVAN MAN, 410 00:14:55,641 --> 00:14:57,843 HOW OFTEN IS EVE REWARDING YOU WITH SEX? 411 00:14:57,845 --> 00:14:59,811 LIKE, A LOT... LIKE, OFTEN. 412 00:14:59,813 --> 00:15:01,479 HANDIES DON'T COUNT. 413 00:15:01,481 --> 00:15:02,781 THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MASTURBATION. 414 00:15:02,783 --> 00:15:04,483 WHAT HAPPENS? WHAT HAPPEN... 415 00:15:04,485 --> 00:15:06,685 I MEAN, WE-WE HAD KIDS BECAUSE WE LOVED EACH OTHER, 416 00:15:06,687 --> 00:15:08,787 WE COULDN'T KEEP OUR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER. 417 00:15:08,789 --> 00:15:10,821 NOW SHE'D RATHER GO TO SLEEP THAN HAVE SEX. 418 00:15:10,823 --> 00:15:12,423 WELL, THEY'D ALL RATHER GO TO SLEEP THAN HAVE SEX, 419 00:15:12,425 --> 00:15:14,225 OR DO THEIR TAXES, OR EAT, 420 00:15:14,227 --> 00:15:16,494 - OR PLAY CANDY CRUSH. - THAT'S JUST COMMON-ASS SENSE. 421 00:15:16,496 --> 00:15:18,797 - BUT A VASECTOMY? - LOOK, IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEET 422 00:15:18,799 --> 00:15:21,800 WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO KEEP YOU AROUND, JUST NOT YOUR SPERM. 423 00:15:21,802 --> 00:15:23,601 SWEET. YOU REALLY WANT HIM TO GO OFF 424 00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:24,768 AND GET HIS NUTS CUT OFF VOLUNTARILY? 425 00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:27,339 THE FUCK KIND OF FRIEND ARE YOU, J? 426 00:15:27,341 --> 00:15:28,773 THAT'S NOT WHAT WE DO. 427 00:15:28,775 --> 00:15:30,474 WE DRAW THE LINE AT THE FUCKING BALLS. 428 00:15:30,476 --> 00:15:32,511 YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T ACTUALLY CUT YOUR BALLS OFF. 429 00:15:32,513 --> 00:15:35,412 - THEY MIGHT AS WELL. - YOU'RE PICTURING, LIKE, A TOM AND JERRY CARTOON 430 00:15:35,414 --> 00:15:37,916 - WHERE HE'S TIED TO THE LOG... - I'M PICTURING HELL, MAN. 431 00:15:37,918 --> 00:15:39,383 WHAT'S FOR LUNCH, DADDY? 432 00:15:39,385 --> 00:15:41,552 UH, PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY, 433 00:15:41,554 --> 00:15:43,388 - AND SOME, UH... - AND CHEESY ROUNDS? 434 00:15:43,390 --> 00:15:44,855 - CHEESY ROUNDS, FINE. - I WANT CHIPS. 435 00:15:44,857 --> 00:15:47,292 NO, NO GUNS, OKAY? NO MORE GUNS. WE'RE GONNA HAVE APPLES. 436 00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:48,692 - NO APPLES. - NO, NO. 437 00:15:48,694 --> 00:15:50,628 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HEALTHY LUNCH, OKAY? 438 00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:51,796 OKAY, KIDS, COME ON, WE ARE LATE. 439 00:15:51,798 --> 00:15:53,498 LET'S GO. OH, HEY, THANKS, BABE. 440 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:56,935 GREAT. LAST NIGHT WAS KIND OF FUN, RIGHT? HMM? 441 00:15:56,937 --> 00:15:58,537 ALL RIGHT, GUYS, DON'T FORGET YOUR BACKPACKS. 442 00:15:58,539 --> 00:15:59,937 CAN WE PLEASE CLOSE THAT? THANK YOU SO MUCH. 443 00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:01,439 GRAB YOUR BACKPACK. THANK YOU. 444 00:16:01,441 --> 00:16:03,575 BUT I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE IN DADDY'S CAR. 445 00:16:03,577 --> 00:16:05,911 - ME NEITHER, IT SMELLS OLD. - OKAY, WELL, YOU GUYS CAN COME WITH ME, 446 00:16:05,913 --> 00:16:07,278 - BUT AS LONG AS WE HURRY, OKAY? - YAY! 447 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:08,879 WE GOT TO GO, WE GOT TO GO NOW. 448 00:16:08,881 --> 00:16:11,215 - LET'S GO. - NOTHING WRONG WITH DADDY'S CAR, OKAY? 449 00:16:11,217 --> 00:16:12,249 ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 450 00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:13,253 BYE, DADDY. 451 00:16:14,954 --> 00:16:16,323 WE'RE LATE. 452 00:16:19,193 --> 00:16:21,459 OKAY. WHERE ARE MY KEYS? 453 00:16:21,461 --> 00:16:23,561 GOOD ONE, GUYS. 454 00:16:23,563 --> 00:16:25,297 EVERYBODY IN. LET YOUR BROTHER IN FIRST. 455 00:16:25,299 --> 00:16:26,830 OKAY. TYLER YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, RIGHT? 456 00:16:26,832 --> 00:16:28,300 BYE, TYLER, I LOVE YOU. BUH-BYE. 457 00:16:28,302 --> 00:16:30,634 ALL RIGHT, BUDDY. 458 00:16:30,636 --> 00:16:32,970 BUCKLE UP, RIGHT? OKAY, GOOD. 459 00:16:34,975 --> 00:16:35,943 ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO. 460 00:16:38,278 --> 00:16:40,778 BABE, WHY DON'T YOU GO FOR A TEST DRIVE TODAY 461 00:16:40,780 --> 00:16:42,681 WHILE IT'S IN THE SHOP, JUST FOR FUN? 462 00:16:42,683 --> 00:16:44,582 - DADDY, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK. - NO, IT'S GONNA BE FINE. 463 00:16:44,584 --> 00:16:46,283 - YOU BROKE IT ALREADY. - IT'S GONNA BE FINE, IT'S JUST... 464 00:16:46,285 --> 00:16:47,551 OH! HERE WE GO. 465 00:16:47,553 --> 00:16:48,552 OH, LOOK, LOOK HE'S GOT IT. 466 00:16:48,554 --> 00:16:50,221 THERE HE GOES. WAY TO GO, DADDY. 467 00:16:50,223 --> 00:16:52,389 - NICE. - ALL RIGHT, SAY GOODBYE TO DADDY. 468 00:16:52,391 --> 00:16:54,426 - THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN ME. - BYE, TYLER. 469 00:16:56,730 --> 00:16:57,865 FUCK. 470 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,533 ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT THAT. 471 00:17:02,535 --> 00:17:03,902 GOT YOU HERE SAFE AND SOUND. 472 00:17:03,904 --> 00:17:05,637 NOT EVEN THAT LATE. 473 00:17:07,975 --> 00:17:09,674 NO, I'M NOT GETTING A MINIVAN. 474 00:17:09,676 --> 00:17:12,744 THERE'S NO WAY I'M GETTING A VASECT... OH. 475 00:17:12,746 --> 00:17:14,279 UGH. 476 00:17:14,281 --> 00:17:16,481 I WENT TO THE STUPID THERAPIST, THAT WAS ENOUGH. 477 00:17:16,483 --> 00:17:18,782 - WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THAT? - DON'T GIVE UP, DAD. 478 00:17:18,784 --> 00:17:20,985 WHAT, LITTLE DUDE? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? 479 00:17:20,987 --> 00:17:22,987 LOOK, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE STUPID CAR, OKAY? 480 00:17:22,989 --> 00:17:24,656 JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF. 481 00:17:24,658 --> 00:17:26,358 YOU HAVEN'T SHAVEN IN DAYS, 482 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,493 YOU DON'T SLEEP, YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. 483 00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:30,895 I DON'T REALLY TALK TO MYSELF, DO I, LITTLE DUDE? 484 00:17:30,897 --> 00:17:32,830 STOP CALLING ME "LITTLE DUDE." MY NAME IS TYLER. 485 00:17:32,832 --> 00:17:35,466 DAD, SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, TO YOUR DRIVE, 486 00:17:35,468 --> 00:17:36,935 TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, IT'S NOT GOOD. 487 00:17:36,937 --> 00:17:39,536 YOU'RE NOT THE MAN I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS YOUNG. 488 00:17:39,538 --> 00:17:42,006 NATHAN AND LUCY HAVE THIS STRANGE IMPRESSION OF YOU, 489 00:17:42,008 --> 00:17:43,375 LIKE REALLY WEIRD. 490 00:17:43,377 --> 00:17:44,542 SO JUST... 491 00:17:44,544 --> 00:17:45,713 DON'T GIVE UP. 492 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,414 OKAY. 493 00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,949 HEY... BYE... HAVE A GOOD DAY. 494 00:17:51,951 --> 00:17:54,319 OH... 495 00:17:54,321 --> 00:17:56,553 JESUS. 496 00:17:56,555 --> 00:17:59,557 FUCK... 497 00:17:59,559 --> 00:18:00,692 ME. 498 00:18:00,694 --> 00:18:03,994 JESUS. FUCK ME. 499 00:18:03,996 --> 00:18:05,964 SO I'M GOING TO MAKE HUGE FAVOR FOR YOU AND MARIA 500 00:18:05,966 --> 00:18:08,399 SINCE YOU'VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR YEARS. 501 00:18:08,401 --> 00:18:09,400 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 502 00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,703 I'LL GET YOU $500 FOR THE PARTS. 503 00:18:11,705 --> 00:18:13,638 OKAY. 504 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,407 THAT'S 500 BUCKS AND THEN THAT'S IT, 505 00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:16,808 THEN IT'S FIXED, OKAY. 506 00:18:16,810 --> 00:18:18,776 NO, NO, NO, I TAKE APART THE CAR, 507 00:18:18,778 --> 00:18:20,978 I SELL THE PARTS, I GIVE YOU $500, 508 00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:22,580 YOU GO HOME. 509 00:18:22,582 --> 00:18:24,482 WHAT? NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, I DON'T WANT THAT. 510 00:18:24,484 --> 00:18:26,484 I WANT TO, I WANT TO FIX THE CAR. 511 00:18:26,486 --> 00:18:28,586 - I WANT TO FIX IT. - MAN, I'M ALWAYS HONEST WITH YOU, RIGHT? 512 00:18:28,588 --> 00:18:31,723 THIS CAR IS PIECE OF SHIT. 513 00:18:31,725 --> 00:18:33,590 - ISN'T IT TIME YOU THINK ABOUT MINIVAN? - WHAT? 514 00:18:33,592 --> 00:18:35,659 DID MARIA CALL YOU? 515 00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:38,696 OH, THAT'S... THAT'S-THAT'S... I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT. 516 00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:39,863 IT'S NOT SO BAD. 517 00:18:39,865 --> 00:18:41,332 MY WIFE DRIVE MINIVAN. 518 00:18:41,334 --> 00:18:42,333 LOTS OF SPACE. 519 00:18:42,335 --> 00:18:43,967 YEAH, DO YOU DRIVE IT? 520 00:18:43,969 --> 00:18:46,036 YOU TOOL AROUND TOWN IN IT? 521 00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:49,707 WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THE-THE LAUGH? 522 00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:52,109 ALLAN, MY FRIEND, MINIVAN IS GOOD, 523 00:18:52,111 --> 00:18:54,378 ESPECIALLY FOR A GUY LIKE YOU. 524 00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:55,679 WHAT DO YOU MEAN "A GUY LIKE ME"? 525 00:18:55,681 --> 00:18:57,381 WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 526 00:18:57,383 --> 00:18:58,817 THIS CAR IS DYING. 527 00:18:58,819 --> 00:19:01,852 YOU'RE GOING TO END UP WITH MINIVAN EVENTUALLY. 528 00:19:01,854 --> 00:19:02,890 WHY FIGHT IT? 529 00:19:04,791 --> 00:19:07,024 PLEASE, JUST-JUST-JUST... 530 00:19:07,026 --> 00:19:08,760 I WANT YOU TO, I WANT YOU TO FIX THIS, OKAY? 531 00:19:08,762 --> 00:19:10,462 - PLEASE. - IF I FIX THIS, 532 00:19:10,464 --> 00:19:12,363 NO PROMISES. 533 00:19:12,365 --> 00:19:14,064 BILLY, WE FIX THIS SHIT. 534 00:19:14,066 --> 00:19:15,699 SHE'S FRIENDS WITH YOUR MECHANIC NOW? 535 00:19:15,701 --> 00:19:16,701 MM. 536 00:19:16,703 --> 00:19:18,069 SHE'S CROSSED THE LINE, MAN. 537 00:19:18,071 --> 00:19:20,405 WHAT LINE? WITH THEM, THERE ARE NO LINES. 538 00:19:20,407 --> 00:19:21,406 WITH US, THERE'S NOTHING BUT LINES. 539 00:19:21,408 --> 00:19:22,639 WHAT AM I GONNA DO? 540 00:19:22,641 --> 00:19:24,074 IT'S A TRICKY ONE. 541 00:19:24,076 --> 00:19:25,510 SHE'S ATTACKING YOU ON THREE FRONTS: 542 00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:27,478 MINIVAN, VASECTOMY AND SEX. 543 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:28,612 SHE'S SMART, MAN, SHE'S VERY SMART. 544 00:19:28,614 --> 00:19:29,648 OH, SHE'S A GENIUS, SHE'S... 545 00:19:29,650 --> 00:19:31,549 YEAH. AND YOU WILL NOT WIN ON ALL THREE FRONTS. 546 00:19:31,551 --> 00:19:33,417 ACTUALLY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA WIN ON TWO. 547 00:19:33,419 --> 00:19:35,520 - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE. - I'D KEEP MY CAR. 548 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:38,857 NO, WAIT, MY BALLS. 549 00:19:38,859 --> 00:19:40,492 SHIT. WHAT'S UP WITH THE SEX AGAIN? 550 00:19:40,494 --> 00:19:42,025 OH, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, THIS ISN'T RIGHT. 551 00:19:42,027 --> 00:19:43,494 IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. 552 00:19:43,496 --> 00:19:45,062 YOU KNOW SHE'S ALREADY RECRUITED EVE? 553 00:19:45,064 --> 00:19:46,930 YOU KNOW THIS, UH, LUNCH WE'RE HAVING ON SATURDAY? 554 00:19:46,932 --> 00:19:49,134 - OH, THE LUNCH? - YOU NEED A PLAN. 555 00:19:49,136 --> 00:19:50,968 YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON THE MINIVAN, 556 00:19:50,970 --> 00:19:52,704 AND PUT THIS VASECTOMY SHIT ON THE TABLE FOR A MINUTE... 557 00:19:52,706 --> 00:19:55,139 NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 558 00:19:55,141 --> 00:19:57,708 ALLAN, LISTENERS, 559 00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,644 YOU REPEAT AFTER ME: 560 00:19:59,646 --> 00:20:01,646 I AM A MAN, UNLIKE JASON, 561 00:20:01,648 --> 00:20:04,182 AND I WILL NOT GET A MINIVAN! 562 00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:06,818 - I DON'T WANT TO. - I WILL STAY STRONG 563 00:20:06,820 --> 00:20:08,019 AND I WILL RESIST. 564 00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:09,721 COME ON, MAN, SAY THIS SHIT. 565 00:20:09,723 --> 00:20:10,821 YOU GOT TO PUT IT OUT THERE. 566 00:20:14,828 --> 00:20:17,061 STAY THE COURSE, GENTLEMEN, WE ALMOST GOT THROUGH THIS. 567 00:20:17,063 --> 00:20:18,862 WE MIGHT GET OUT OF THIS YET, BOYS. 568 00:20:18,864 --> 00:20:20,165 SMILE, SMILE THROUGH IT. 569 00:20:20,167 --> 00:20:22,567 WORSE COME TO WORSE, KEEP 'EM PLIED. 570 00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:23,667 THERE'S MORE SANGRIA IN THE KITCHEN, RIGHT? 571 00:20:23,669 --> 00:20:25,503 THERE'S SO MUCH SANGRIA. 572 00:20:25,505 --> 00:20:26,870 - NO, NO, KEEP IT HAPPY, YOU KNOW? - MM-HMM. 573 00:20:26,872 --> 00:20:27,972 YOU GOT THIS. 574 00:20:30,976 --> 00:20:32,843 UM, HEY, ALLAN, 575 00:20:32,845 --> 00:20:34,878 I HEAR YOU GUYS ARE HUNTING FOR A NEW CAR. 576 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:37,514 UH... NO, IT'S-IT'S... 577 00:20:37,516 --> 00:20:39,451 MY CAR IS JUST IN THE SHOP, 578 00:20:39,453 --> 00:20:41,953 AND JUST GETTING FIXED. IT RUNS GREAT, ACTUALLY. 579 00:20:41,955 --> 00:20:44,121 - OH, I THOUGHT, UH... - NO, UH, IT'S MORE OF LIKE A BAND-AID, 580 00:20:44,123 --> 00:20:46,124 THOUGH, RIGHT, BABE? IT'S NOT REALLY, LIKE, FIXED YET. 581 00:20:46,126 --> 00:20:48,859 - WELL, IT'S GETTING FIXED. - YOU SHOULD GET A MINIVAN. 582 00:20:48,861 --> 00:20:50,128 THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE. 583 00:20:50,130 --> 00:20:51,696 JASON LOVES OURS, DON'T YOU, JASON? 584 00:20:51,698 --> 00:20:53,097 UH, YEAH, IT'S... TOTALLY, IT'S GOOD. 585 00:20:53,099 --> 00:20:54,131 AND WE LOOKED INTO 586 00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,833 GETTING ONE, TOO, RIGHT, PHIL? 587 00:20:55,835 --> 00:20:57,869 ALLAN, YOU SHOULD TAKE A TEST DRIVE. 588 00:20:57,871 --> 00:21:00,538 THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I WOULD LOVE TO COME WITH YOU, BABE. 589 00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:03,774 YEAH, WE SHOULD. I DON'T HAVE THE TIME NOW, BUT... 590 00:21:03,776 --> 00:21:05,476 YOU GOT A LITTLE TIME. 591 00:21:05,478 --> 00:21:07,579 - STAY STRONG, BROTHER. - OH, PHIL, REALLY. 592 00:21:07,581 --> 00:21:08,580 - WHAT? - IT'S A CAR, PHIL. 593 00:21:08,582 --> 00:21:10,682 WHAT IS IT WITH YOU 594 00:21:10,684 --> 00:21:13,517 AND THIS CHILDISH FEAR OF LOSING YOUR MANHOOD? 595 00:21:13,519 --> 00:21:14,718 CHILDISH? WHY? 596 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,053 BECAUSE I DON'T WANT MY BOY TO END UP 597 00:21:16,055 --> 00:21:17,821 - LIKE CAPTAIN MINIVAN OVER HERE? - OKAY, OKAY. 598 00:21:17,823 --> 00:21:19,791 THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR, PHIL. 599 00:21:21,561 --> 00:21:23,127 - HE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT. - NO. 600 00:21:23,129 --> 00:21:25,196 I KNOW YOU THINK JASON IS LESS OF A MAN 601 00:21:25,198 --> 00:21:27,764 BECAUSE HE'S A DECENT HUSBAND AND FATHER. 602 00:21:27,766 --> 00:21:30,201 I KNOW THAT. HE'S TOLD ME YOU BULLY HIM. 603 00:21:30,203 --> 00:21:31,936 - WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T... - BULLY HIM? 604 00:21:31,938 --> 00:21:34,606 - YES, YOU DID. - EVE, I'M MERELY BRINGING TO LIGHT 605 00:21:34,608 --> 00:21:36,808 THE SHORT-ASS LEASH YOU KEEP HIM ON. 606 00:21:36,810 --> 00:21:38,609 MY MAN IS SO MISERABLE, HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT. 607 00:21:38,611 --> 00:21:40,512 JASON IS NOT MISERABLE. YOU'RE NOT MISERABLE. 608 00:21:40,514 --> 00:21:42,613 NO, HE'S NOT. JASON, YOU ARE A GREAT FATHER AND KNOW THAT. 609 00:21:42,615 --> 00:21:44,249 LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS SUMMER CAMP WE'RE SENDING THE KIDS TO 610 00:21:44,251 --> 00:21:45,550 - YEAH. - BECAUSE IT'S INCREDIBLE. 611 00:21:45,552 --> 00:21:47,084 NO. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, 612 00:21:47,086 --> 00:21:49,721 - JASON IS PERFECTLY HAPPY. - YEAH. 613 00:21:49,723 --> 00:21:51,523 AND HE IS NOT AT ALL CONFUSED 614 00:21:51,525 --> 00:21:53,257 ABOUT HIS MANHOOD LIKE YOU. 615 00:21:53,259 --> 00:21:55,827 HE IS, IN FACT, SO CONFIDENT, 616 00:21:55,829 --> 00:21:59,263 THAT HE GOT A VASECTOMY, AND HE'S MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. 617 00:21:59,265 --> 00:22:01,532 WOW. 618 00:22:01,534 --> 00:22:03,001 - REALLY? - YOU DID WHAT NOW? 619 00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:05,736 YOU GOT A SECRET VASECTOMY? 620 00:22:05,738 --> 00:22:07,272 AND WE'RE MORE HAPPY FOR IT. 621 00:22:07,274 --> 00:22:09,072 I'M GONNA CHECK ON THE KIDS RIGHT NOW. 622 00:22:09,074 --> 00:22:12,010 NO, NO, DON'T BE ASHAMED. 623 00:22:12,012 --> 00:22:13,778 THAT'S THE CRUELEST SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD. 624 00:22:13,780 --> 00:22:15,546 WHY? BECAUSE HE MANNED UP, 625 00:22:15,548 --> 00:22:17,014 AND DID SOMETHING AND HELPED WHERE HE COULD, PHIL? 626 00:22:17,016 --> 00:22:18,649 I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S A ROMANTIC GESTURE. 627 00:22:18,651 --> 00:22:21,886 I MEAN, YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR US, RIGHT, BABE? 628 00:22:21,888 --> 00:22:23,221 WE-WE-WE WERE TALKING... 629 00:22:23,223 --> 00:22:26,590 UH... DISCUSSING THE... WHAT? 630 00:22:26,592 --> 00:22:27,891 PHIL, YOU WOULD DO IT FOR DAISY, RIGHT? 631 00:22:27,893 --> 00:22:29,894 IF SHE ASKED, IF IT WERE IMPORTANT? 632 00:22:29,896 --> 00:22:31,728 - HELL NO! - OH, COME ON. 633 00:22:31,730 --> 00:22:33,063 - WOW. - THAT'S CUTTING ME DOWN, 634 00:22:33,065 --> 00:22:34,264 AND NOT IN A MILLION YEARS. 635 00:22:34,266 --> 00:22:35,766 AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH FOR YOU? 636 00:22:35,768 --> 00:22:37,267 - REALLY? - OH, NO, DON'T START THIS. 637 00:22:37,269 --> 00:22:39,736 - WOW. - NO, YOU KNOW, I THINK THE PROBLEM IS 638 00:22:39,738 --> 00:22:42,740 IS THAT NONE OF YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHAT WOMEN GO THROUGH. 639 00:22:42,742 --> 00:22:44,108 YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT. 640 00:22:44,110 --> 00:22:46,677 I WOULD LOVE TO SEE ONE OF YOU 641 00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:47,911 BLEED OUT OF YOUR DICKS 642 00:22:47,913 --> 00:22:49,847 FOR A WEEK A MONTH, AND THEN 643 00:22:49,849 --> 00:22:51,949 SEE IF YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT PMS. 644 00:22:51,951 --> 00:22:53,917 - EXACTLY. - WHAT ABOUT BREASTFEEDING, OKAY? 645 00:22:53,919 --> 00:22:55,352 BECAUSE ALL THE... OH, IT'S SO NATURAL, IT'S SO GOOD. 646 00:22:55,354 --> 00:22:57,088 - HONEY, COME ON. - SO, WAIT, 647 00:22:57,090 --> 00:22:59,590 BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT 648 00:22:59,592 --> 00:23:00,824 BECAUSE YOUR INFANT CHILD 649 00:23:00,826 --> 00:23:02,859 HAS CHEWED YOUR NIPPLES RAW. 650 00:23:02,861 --> 00:23:04,596 AND THEY GET ENGORGED, AND INFECTED. 651 00:23:04,598 --> 00:23:05,996 IT'S TERRIBLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 652 00:23:05,998 --> 00:23:08,232 WE HAVEN'T EVEN MENTIONED CHILD BIRTH YET. 653 00:23:08,234 --> 00:23:10,033 OKAY, PHIL, JUST TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW, OKAY? 654 00:23:10,035 --> 00:23:11,234 I WENT THROUGH NINE MONTHS OF THROWING UP 655 00:23:11,236 --> 00:23:13,605 TWICE A DAY FOR LITTLE SAMMY. 656 00:23:13,607 --> 00:23:15,807 36 HOURS OF LABOR. 657 00:23:15,809 --> 00:23:17,308 - I HAD 42. - AND... AND A 658 00:23:17,310 --> 00:23:19,276 FOURTH-DEGREE VAGINAL TEAR. 659 00:23:19,278 --> 00:23:21,279 - MM. - DO YOU KNOW 660 00:23:21,281 --> 00:23:23,648 WHAT A FOURTH-DEGREE VAGINAL TEAR MEANS? 661 00:23:23,650 --> 00:23:25,282 - NO. - IT MEANS I WAS TORN 662 00:23:25,284 --> 00:23:27,385 ALL THE WAY UP TO MY ASSHOLE. 663 00:23:27,387 --> 00:23:29,620 MY ASSHOLE! 664 00:23:29,622 --> 00:23:32,991 DID YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY STITCHES THEY PUT DOWN THERE? 665 00:23:32,993 --> 00:23:36,394 DO YOU KNOW HOW TERRIFIED I WAS TO TAKE A SHIT? 666 00:23:36,396 --> 00:23:37,861 - YES! - IT'S SO SCARY. 667 00:23:37,863 --> 00:23:39,630 AND I HAD TO PUT THE CREAM DOWN THERE 668 00:23:39,632 --> 00:23:41,232 - EVERY TIME I GOT NERVOUS. - IT'S SO SCARY. 669 00:23:41,234 --> 00:23:43,067 AND Y'ALL PUSSIES, Y'ALL PUSSIES 670 00:23:43,069 --> 00:23:45,269 ARE FREAKING OUT ABOUT A MOTHERFUCKING 20-MINUTE, 671 00:23:45,271 --> 00:23:49,243 OUT PATIENT, NO SCALPEL, VASECTOMY! 672 00:23:55,348 --> 00:23:56,947 EVE PROMISED THAT SHE WOULD NEVER... 673 00:23:56,949 --> 00:23:58,249 DON'T. 674 00:23:58,251 --> 00:24:01,753 JUST... NO. 675 00:24:01,755 --> 00:24:04,421 MARIA IS GONNA BRING THIS UP AGAIN. 676 00:24:04,423 --> 00:24:05,857 ALL RIGHT, I'M REALLY SORRY, 677 00:24:05,859 --> 00:24:08,158 BUT, YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T THAT BAD. 678 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:09,926 - I WAS... - I SAID... 679 00:24:09,928 --> 00:24:12,996 NO. 680 00:24:12,998 --> 00:24:14,331 WE LOST A LOT OF GROUND TODAY, 681 00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:16,701 BUT, ALLAN, THE BATTLE'S NOT OVER, MAN. 682 00:24:16,703 --> 00:24:18,872 I-I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME. 683 00:24:24,177 --> 00:24:25,379 MM. 684 00:24:27,313 --> 00:24:28,881 MM. 685 00:24:30,850 --> 00:24:32,716 SO TODAY WAS SOMETHING. 686 00:24:32,718 --> 00:24:34,252 - MM. YEAH. - WASN'T IT. 687 00:24:34,254 --> 00:24:36,186 I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT. 688 00:24:36,188 --> 00:24:38,923 YOU ARE NOT LIKE PHIL. OR JASON. 689 00:24:38,925 --> 00:24:40,724 REALLY? DO YOU MEAN THAT? 690 00:24:40,726 --> 00:24:42,025 YEAH, OF COURSE, BABE. 691 00:24:42,027 --> 00:24:44,161 LOOK, I GET IT. 692 00:24:44,163 --> 00:24:47,098 I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD'VE THOUGHT I'D BE SUGGESTING A MINIVAN. 693 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:48,832 MM. 694 00:24:48,834 --> 00:24:50,467 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 695 00:24:50,469 --> 00:24:51,468 OH, MY GOD. 696 00:24:51,470 --> 00:24:54,138 LIKE, ALL I KEEP THINKING IS 697 00:24:54,140 --> 00:24:56,139 WE'RE NOT OLD, WE'RE NOT OLD PEOPLE. 698 00:24:56,141 --> 00:24:58,275 JUST... WHAT THE HELL WE DOING DRIVING THAT? 699 00:24:58,277 --> 00:24:59,444 LOOK AT US. 700 00:24:59,446 --> 00:25:01,212 WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE TOTALLY HIP, 701 00:25:01,214 --> 00:25:04,314 AND WE PLAY GAMES, WE... 702 00:25:04,316 --> 00:25:06,850 KNOW ALL THE LINGO. 703 00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:09,786 YEAH. 704 00:25:09,788 --> 00:25:12,223 BUT... 705 00:25:12,225 --> 00:25:13,291 - WHAT? - I MEAN, YOU KNOW... 706 00:25:13,293 --> 00:25:15,193 WHAT? WHAT? 707 00:25:15,195 --> 00:25:18,061 WELL, I CAN'T GO BACK ON THE PILL, 708 00:25:18,063 --> 00:25:19,362 AND I-I HATE CONDOMS 709 00:25:19,364 --> 00:25:20,898 JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. 710 00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,301 AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF WE COULD JUST... 711 00:25:23,303 --> 00:25:25,269 BE SPONTANEOUS? 712 00:25:25,271 --> 00:25:27,170 YOU KNOW, DO IT ANY TIME WE WANTED? 713 00:25:27,172 --> 00:25:29,807 ANYWHERE? 714 00:25:29,809 --> 00:25:32,243 ANY TIME? 715 00:25:34,447 --> 00:25:37,482 WELL, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD JUST... 716 00:25:37,484 --> 00:25:40,083 FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE MINIVAN THING, YOU KNOW? 717 00:25:40,085 --> 00:25:43,521 JUST GET AN SUV WITH ONE OF THOSE THIRD BACK ROWS. 718 00:25:43,523 --> 00:25:46,057 - I MEAN, THEY'RE JUST AS ROOMY, RIGHT? - OH, REALLY? 719 00:25:46,059 --> 00:25:47,224 - YES. - OH, MY GOD. 720 00:25:51,230 --> 00:25:54,831 I DON'T KNOW, I COULD... CALL A DOCTOR IN THE MORNING 721 00:25:54,833 --> 00:25:58,869 AND AT LEAST MAKE A CONSULTATION, YOU KNOW? 722 00:25:58,871 --> 00:26:02,005 YEAH, I THINK THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA. 723 00:26:02,007 --> 00:26:05,542 MAYBE WE COULD START BEING A LITTLE MORE SPONTANEOUS RIGHT NOW. 724 00:26:05,544 --> 00:26:06,543 MM-HMM. 725 00:26:06,545 --> 00:26:10,113 WHAT? 726 00:26:17,256 --> 00:26:18,455 REALLY? 727 00:26:23,496 --> 00:26:24,494 DADDY? 728 00:26:24,496 --> 00:26:26,263 CAN I HAVE SOME WATER? 729 00:26:26,265 --> 00:26:27,500 CAN YOU SING ME A LULLABY? 730 00:26:29,334 --> 00:26:30,368 TELL ME, 731 00:26:30,370 --> 00:26:31,802 AND DO NOT SPARE MY FEELINGS, 732 00:26:31,804 --> 00:26:33,204 WHAT DID I DO? 733 00:26:33,206 --> 00:26:34,972 WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? 734 00:26:34,974 --> 00:26:35,973 GUYS? 735 00:26:35,975 --> 00:26:37,440 BACK ON TOPIC, SPORTS TODAY. 736 00:26:37,442 --> 00:26:39,377 UH, YOU HAD KIDS. 737 00:26:39,379 --> 00:26:41,111 - GOT THE DRAFT COMING UP. - WITH A WOMAN. 738 00:26:41,113 --> 00:26:43,414 RIGHT? NOBODY FORCED YOU TO DO THAT. 739 00:26:43,416 --> 00:26:45,249 GUYS, WE GOT A NEW SUBSCRIBER. LET'S HOLD ONTO HIM. 740 00:26:45,251 --> 00:26:47,051 I LOVE MY KIDS. 741 00:26:49,354 --> 00:26:51,589 - WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS. - WE ALL LOVE OUR KIDS. 742 00:26:51,591 --> 00:26:53,491 ALTHOUGH, MY YOUNGEST JUST STARES AT ME 743 00:26:53,493 --> 00:26:55,159 WITH THESE DEAD EYES SOMETIMES. IT'S SO SPOOKY. 744 00:26:55,161 --> 00:26:58,228 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO EDIT THAT OUT. I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THE DOG HOUSE FOR YOU. 745 00:26:58,230 --> 00:26:59,830 PLEASE, OUR WIVES DON'T LISTEN TO THIS. 746 00:26:59,832 --> 00:27:01,032 YEAH, SO, 747 00:27:01,034 --> 00:27:02,966 MARIA COMES OUT WITH IT LAST NIGHT, 748 00:27:02,968 --> 00:27:06,204 THE, UH, THE PEACE TREATY, YOU KNOW? 749 00:27:06,206 --> 00:27:09,506 NO MINIVAN AND LOTS OF SEX. 750 00:27:09,508 --> 00:27:10,541 IN EXCHANGE FOR... 751 00:27:10,543 --> 00:27:12,376 WHAT? GET THIS IN WRITING, MAN. 752 00:27:12,378 --> 00:27:14,145 YOU TAKE THIS DEAL BEFORE SHE CHANGES HER MIND. 753 00:27:14,147 --> 00:27:16,414 - GODDAMN IT, JASON, NO! - NO. 754 00:27:16,416 --> 00:27:18,482 WHY-WHY SHOULDN'T I DO IT? I MEAN, I HAD LOST EVERYTHING ALREADY 755 00:27:18,484 --> 00:27:21,118 WHAT'S A LITTLE VASECTOMY IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS? 756 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,454 - NOTHING, IT'S JUST A VASECTOMY, MAN. - THEY TELL YOU 757 00:27:23,456 --> 00:27:25,423 THAT THEY'LL CONSIDER THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW, 758 00:27:25,425 --> 00:27:27,190 BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT. 759 00:27:27,192 --> 00:27:29,292 THEY TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL GET MORE SEX, 760 00:27:29,294 --> 00:27:30,927 BUT THEY NEVER MEAN IT. 761 00:27:30,929 --> 00:27:32,230 ALLAN, RESIST. 762 00:27:32,232 --> 00:27:34,064 - TAKE THIS DEAL, IT'S SO SWEET. - SHUT UP. 763 00:27:34,066 --> 00:27:36,067 IT'S VERY CONFUSING, IT'S VERY, VERY CONFUSING. 764 00:27:36,069 --> 00:27:38,369 NO, IT'S NOT, IT'S SIMPLE SHIT. 765 00:27:39,505 --> 00:27:40,972 SHOW TIME. 766 00:27:40,974 --> 00:27:42,305 LAY BACK ON THE TABLE AND PUT YOUR FEET 767 00:27:42,307 --> 00:27:44,308 IN THE STIRRUPS, COWBOY. COME ON, DAD. 768 00:27:44,310 --> 00:27:47,078 I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE. 769 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:48,478 UH, OKAY. 770 00:27:54,152 --> 00:27:55,453 OKAY. 771 00:27:55,455 --> 00:27:56,987 THERE THEY ARE. 772 00:27:56,989 --> 00:27:59,122 TWO OF 'EM 773 00:27:59,124 --> 00:28:01,425 - GOOD TO KNOW. - SMOOTH. 774 00:28:01,427 --> 00:28:03,994 SMALLISH. 775 00:28:03,996 --> 00:28:05,362 FINE. 776 00:28:05,364 --> 00:28:07,298 SIT UP. 777 00:28:07,300 --> 00:28:09,332 OKAY. 778 00:28:09,334 --> 00:28:12,136 YOUR URINE SAMPLE CAME BACK CLEAN. 779 00:28:12,138 --> 00:28:15,106 YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT, BUT WHO ISN'T IN THIS COUNTRY? 780 00:28:15,108 --> 00:28:16,974 YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR SENT OVER YOUR BLOOD TEST 781 00:28:16,976 --> 00:28:19,377 AND THEY ARE NORMAL FOR A MAN YOUR AGE WHO DOESN'T EXERCISE. 782 00:28:19,379 --> 00:28:20,677 CONGRATULATIONS, 783 00:28:20,679 --> 00:28:22,946 YOU ARE A COMPLETELY AVERAGE CANDIDATE 784 00:28:22,948 --> 00:28:24,180 FOR A VASECTOMY. 785 00:28:24,182 --> 00:28:25,518 GREAT. GOOD FOR ME. 786 00:28:28,254 --> 00:28:30,053 OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER ONE. 787 00:28:30,055 --> 00:28:32,055 - WHAT'S-WHAT'S THAT? - WHY ARE YOU HERE? 788 00:28:32,057 --> 00:28:34,358 IS IT THE WIFE? DID SHE FORCE YOU TO COME? 789 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,426 NO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 790 00:28:35,428 --> 00:28:38,128 I... I'M HERE. IT'S MY DECISION. 791 00:28:38,130 --> 00:28:40,430 WHY, DO YOU GET A LOT OF MEN WHO ARE HERE AGAINST THEIR WILL? 792 00:28:40,432 --> 00:28:43,167 ARE YOU SCARED, ALLAN? DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE UP SOME BULLSHIT STORY 793 00:28:43,169 --> 00:28:45,336 WHY YOU'RE NOT A GOOD CANDIDATE FOR THE PROCEDURE? 794 00:28:45,338 --> 00:28:47,538 - YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME? - OF COURSE NOT. 795 00:28:47,540 --> 00:28:50,608 THAT WOULD BE UNETHICAL, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. 796 00:28:50,610 --> 00:28:52,409 I... THAT'S... NOT WHAT I MEANT. 797 00:28:52,411 --> 00:28:53,977 I... JUST I WAS ON THE INTERNET 798 00:28:53,979 --> 00:28:57,214 AND, UH, IT'S A RELATIVELY SAFE PROCEDURE, 799 00:28:57,216 --> 00:29:00,016 - BUT THERE ARE INSTANCES... - NEVER GO ON THE INTERNET. EVER. 800 00:29:00,018 --> 00:29:03,087 LOOK, A VASECTOMY IS NOT A CASTRATION. 801 00:29:03,089 --> 00:29:05,222 YOUR BALLS STAY PUT. 802 00:29:05,224 --> 00:29:08,359 YOUR PENIS AND YOUR SEMEN WILL LOOK, 803 00:29:08,361 --> 00:29:11,661 AND PERFORM AND, YES, EVEN TASTE THE EXACT SAME WAY. 804 00:29:11,663 --> 00:29:13,531 IT'S PRACTICALLY PAINLESS. 805 00:29:13,533 --> 00:29:15,398 AND I GUARANTEE YOU, AFTERWARDS, 806 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,068 YOU'LL STILL BE A COMPLETE HORN DOG. 807 00:29:17,070 --> 00:29:19,270 BASICALLY, APART FROM SHOOTING BLANKS, 808 00:29:19,272 --> 00:29:21,738 NOTHING WILL CHANGE. EXCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU WILL HAVE PROVEN 809 00:29:21,740 --> 00:29:24,675 YOURSELF TO BE A COMPLETELY PUSSY-WHIPPED MALE 810 00:29:24,677 --> 00:29:27,410 - OF THE HUMAN SPECIES. - WHAT? WHAT'D YOU JUST SAY? 811 00:29:27,412 --> 00:29:30,613 I SAID RECOVERY TAKES NO MORE THAN A WEEK, 812 00:29:30,615 --> 00:29:32,015 AND, BEYOND ICING AND... 813 00:29:32,017 --> 00:29:33,650 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, WHAT WAS THAT... 814 00:29:33,652 --> 00:29:34,718 WHAT'D YOU SAY RIGHT BEFORE? 815 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,355 THAT BAD, HUH? 816 00:29:37,357 --> 00:29:39,590 WHAT'S HAPPENING? 817 00:29:39,592 --> 00:29:41,725 - I THINK I KNOW WHAT THIS IS. - YOU DO? 818 00:29:41,727 --> 00:29:43,293 COME ON. 819 00:29:45,031 --> 00:29:47,130 I SEE MEN LIKE YOU ALL THE TIME. 820 00:29:47,132 --> 00:29:48,733 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, MEN LIKE ME? 821 00:29:48,735 --> 00:29:51,334 MARRIED MEN, LATE 30S TO MID 40S, 822 00:29:51,336 --> 00:29:53,670 KIDS, HOUSE, RESPONSIBILITIES, 823 00:29:53,672 --> 00:29:55,071 MODERATE TO SEVERE 824 00:29:55,073 --> 00:29:56,340 DISCONTENT WITH THEIR LIVES. 825 00:29:56,342 --> 00:29:58,576 - MEN LIKE YOU. - WELL, I LOVE MY WIFE 826 00:29:58,578 --> 00:30:00,378 - AND MY KIDS. - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. 827 00:30:00,380 --> 00:30:02,513 IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE VASECTOMY. 828 00:30:02,515 --> 00:30:05,515 HONESTLY, ALLAN, I CAN DO IT IN 15 MINUTES FLAT. 829 00:30:05,517 --> 00:30:07,451 IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU, AND YOUR DREAMS, 830 00:30:07,453 --> 00:30:08,651 AND YOUR FANTASIES. 831 00:30:08,653 --> 00:30:11,121 I GOT A FEW OF THOSE. 832 00:30:11,123 --> 00:30:12,555 NOTHING WEIRD OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 833 00:30:12,557 --> 00:30:13,690 WHEN I GRAB 834 00:30:13,692 --> 00:30:16,193 MY SURGICAL SCISSORS 835 00:30:16,195 --> 00:30:17,794 AND SEVER YOUR VAS DEFERENS, 836 00:30:17,796 --> 00:30:21,131 ALL THOSE COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC FANTASIES 837 00:30:21,133 --> 00:30:23,434 THAT YOU'RE STILL HOLDING ONTO, GONE. 838 00:30:23,436 --> 00:30:25,403 IT'S JUST YOU, 839 00:30:25,405 --> 00:30:26,669 AND THE COMPLETELY BORING LIFE 840 00:30:26,671 --> 00:30:28,371 YOU'VE BUILT FOR YOURSELF. 841 00:30:28,373 --> 00:30:30,573 OKAY, BUT, IT'S... IT'S ALL REVERSIBLE, RIGHT? 842 00:30:30,575 --> 00:30:32,275 - I MEAN... - SEE, THAT'S JUST IT. 843 00:30:32,277 --> 00:30:34,712 "HEY, WHAT HAPPENS IF IN A YEAR, 844 00:30:34,714 --> 00:30:36,613 I BUMP INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL 845 00:30:36,615 --> 00:30:38,282 AND SHE FALLS DESPERATELY 846 00:30:38,284 --> 00:30:40,150 IN LUST WITH ME AND WANTS TO BEAR MY CHILDREN?" 847 00:30:40,152 --> 00:30:41,519 NO, REVERSAL SHOULD NOT BE AN OPTION. 848 00:30:41,521 --> 00:30:44,155 SUCCESS RATE IS INCONSISTENT. 849 00:30:44,157 --> 00:30:46,624 ALLAN, A VASECTOMY IS FOREVER. 850 00:30:46,626 --> 00:30:49,326 MM. 851 00:30:49,328 --> 00:30:54,330 WELL, THANK YOU, DR. KEN, THAT'S VERY HELPFUL INFORMATION. 852 00:30:54,332 --> 00:30:56,067 DID YOU, UH, EXPERIENCE 853 00:30:56,069 --> 00:30:57,501 THE SAME THINGS, UH...? 854 00:30:57,503 --> 00:30:59,602 OH, GOD, NO. DO YOU SEE A RING? 855 00:30:59,604 --> 00:31:01,638 NEVER. I FUCKING HATE KIDS. 856 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,542 I AM KEEPING MYSELF... WHOLE. 857 00:31:04,544 --> 00:31:06,377 - YOU KNOW? - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 858 00:31:06,379 --> 00:31:07,778 I THINK THEY CAN SENSE IT. 859 00:31:07,780 --> 00:31:09,612 A WOMAN HAS THIS NATURAL URGE 860 00:31:09,614 --> 00:31:11,648 TO SEEK OUT THE MOST POWERFUL STALLION 861 00:31:11,650 --> 00:31:13,818 AND LET HIM RAVAGE HER. 862 00:31:13,820 --> 00:31:15,252 EVEN THE MARRIED ONES. 863 00:31:15,254 --> 00:31:16,553 AH, OKAY. 864 00:31:16,555 --> 00:31:18,121 SO, WHAT, UH, YOU'RE SAYING 865 00:31:18,123 --> 00:31:20,624 I-I-I SHOULD NOT GET A VASECTOMY, THEN. 866 00:31:20,626 --> 00:31:23,627 HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING AT ALL? 867 00:31:23,629 --> 00:31:24,727 YOU AND ME, WE'RE DIFFERENT. 868 00:31:24,729 --> 00:31:26,429 COMPARING IS POINTLESS. 869 00:31:26,431 --> 00:31:31,234 WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS EITHER WORK THROUGH YOUR FEARS 870 00:31:31,236 --> 00:31:33,838 AND ACCEPT YOUR BORING, SAD MIDDLE-AGED MARRIED LIFE, 871 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,473 - OR NOT. - OKAY. 872 00:31:35,475 --> 00:31:39,142 I'M GONNA SCHEDULE YOUR APPOINTMENT FOR... 873 00:31:39,144 --> 00:31:40,144 NEXT MONDAY. 874 00:31:40,146 --> 00:31:42,213 MON-MONDAY? MONDAY? 875 00:31:42,215 --> 00:31:44,581 YEAH, GET THE WIFE OFF YOUR BACK. 876 00:31:44,583 --> 00:31:46,250 YOU HAVE A WEEK TO DECIDE. 877 00:31:46,252 --> 00:31:48,351 EITHER WAY, STOCK UP THE FRIDGE WITH FROZEN PEAS. 878 00:31:48,353 --> 00:31:50,588 GREAT FOR THE SWELLING. 879 00:31:54,427 --> 00:31:56,260 ALL RIGHT, GUYS... 880 00:31:56,262 --> 00:31:57,695 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JUST BE CAREFUL, JUST BE CAREFUL, 881 00:31:57,697 --> 00:31:59,163 AND... WAIT, DON'T DO THAT, DON'T DO THAT. 882 00:31:59,165 --> 00:32:00,731 AND DON'T JUMP ON THE COUCH EITHER. 883 00:32:00,733 --> 00:32:02,233 AND JUST STOP, STOP, STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH, 884 00:32:02,235 --> 00:32:03,568 AND PUT THAT DOWN, ALL RIGHT? 885 00:32:03,570 --> 00:32:05,703 - I'M JUST GONNA PUT A MOVIE ON FOR YOU, OKAY? - HEY, HEY. 886 00:32:05,705 --> 00:32:07,303 STOP IT. STOP, STOP, STOP. 887 00:32:07,305 --> 00:32:08,371 DON'T JUST STAND THERE, MAN. 888 00:32:08,373 --> 00:32:09,907 COME ON, COME ON. 889 00:32:09,909 --> 00:32:11,574 IF THE LITTLE FUCKERS DON'T SEE US, 890 00:32:11,576 --> 00:32:13,377 - THEN WE ARE NOT HERE. - OH, NO, 891 00:32:13,379 --> 00:32:14,844 YOU NEED SOMETHING STRONGER THAN THAT. 892 00:32:14,846 --> 00:32:17,247 - OH, THANKS. - GONNA BE A LONG MOMS' NIGHT OUT. 893 00:32:17,249 --> 00:32:19,349 WHAT'S UP, ALLAN? ENJOYING YOUR BALLS WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THEM? 894 00:32:19,351 --> 00:32:21,351 YOU SAID SOMETHING. 895 00:32:21,353 --> 00:32:22,887 OH, AND HEY, 896 00:32:22,889 --> 00:32:24,788 HOW'S THAT VAGINA WORKING OUT FOR YOU, JASON? 897 00:32:24,790 --> 00:32:26,790 I SAID I WAS SORRY. GOD, JUST GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN, 898 00:32:26,792 --> 00:32:29,326 - I GOT ALL YOUR KIDS OUT THERE. - NO, "SORRY" DOESN'T CUT IT FOR YOU. 899 00:32:29,328 --> 00:32:30,660 YOU VIOLATED A CODE. 900 00:32:30,662 --> 00:32:31,829 THEY'RE GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT, 901 00:32:31,831 --> 00:32:33,429 - DRINKING COSMOS TONIGHT. - MM-HMM. 902 00:32:33,431 --> 00:32:35,198 ALLAN'S THE BEGINNING. 903 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,368 - CONSULTS ARE COMING. - GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, UH, 904 00:32:37,370 --> 00:32:40,905 I'M-I'M ACTUALLY FEELING A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT ALL THIS. 905 00:32:40,907 --> 00:32:42,372 DR. KEN, HE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL. 906 00:32:42,374 --> 00:32:44,375 - YOUR UROLOGIST? - YEAH. 907 00:32:44,377 --> 00:32:46,443 AND HE'S MORE THAN THAT, HE'S UM... 908 00:32:46,445 --> 00:32:49,914 VASECTOMY IS NOT JUST ABOUT STOPPING OUR SPERM, 909 00:32:49,916 --> 00:32:54,752 IT'S ABOUT... KILLING OUR DREAMS, IN A GOOD WAY. 910 00:32:54,754 --> 00:32:56,587 OR NOT. 911 00:32:56,589 --> 00:32:59,689 IT'S, UH, IT'S-IT'S ABOUT WHO WE ARE AS MEN. 912 00:32:59,691 --> 00:33:01,257 IS THAT EVEN ENGLISH? 913 00:33:01,259 --> 00:33:02,693 DR. KEN DIDN'T REALLY HELP ME AT ALL, 914 00:33:02,695 --> 00:33:06,463 - I'M-I'M PRETTY CONFUSED STILL. - HEY, FOCUS. 915 00:33:06,465 --> 00:33:08,732 - ARE YOU GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT OR NOT? - JUST PLEASE DON'T. 916 00:33:08,734 --> 00:33:09,867 FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES. 917 00:33:09,869 --> 00:33:11,502 - DON'T BE LIKE JASON. - YES! 918 00:33:11,504 --> 00:33:13,637 - IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. - I BET YOU ENJOYED 919 00:33:13,639 --> 00:33:15,438 THE DOCTOR FONDLING YOUR COIN SACK. 920 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:16,874 PROBABLY THE MOST ACTION YOU HAD IN MONTHS. 921 00:33:16,876 --> 00:33:18,775 HOW CAN YOU EVEN LOOK IN THE MIRROR? 922 00:33:18,777 --> 00:33:21,678 JESUS CHRI... SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS WANT MORE KIDS, IS THAT IT? 923 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:23,414 YOU WANT A THIRD ONE, PHIL? 924 00:33:23,416 --> 00:33:25,282 YOU WANT A FOURTH KID, ALLAN? I MEAN, LOOK, 925 00:33:25,284 --> 00:33:26,750 IT DOESN'T HURT AND IT DOESN'T EVEN LEAVE A SCAR. 926 00:33:26,752 --> 00:33:28,452 I WILL PROVE IT TO YOU. 927 00:33:28,454 --> 00:33:31,855 IF YOU TAKE THOSE SHORTS OFF, I SWEAR TO YOU, I... 928 00:33:31,857 --> 00:33:33,490 YOU TAPED YOUR OWN VASECTOMY? 929 00:33:33,492 --> 00:33:35,326 I DID, BUT IT'S NOT COMING UP FOR SOME REASON. 930 00:33:35,328 --> 00:33:37,660 I THINK IT'S CONNECTED TO THE TV. 931 00:33:39,297 --> 00:33:40,898 - OH, MY GOD! - WHOA, WHOA! 932 00:33:40,900 --> 00:33:43,600 OH, MY GOD. OKAY. NO, NO, NO. OKAY. 933 00:33:43,602 --> 00:33:46,369 I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE THING IS. COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, YEAH. 934 00:33:46,371 --> 00:33:48,671 SAMMY! SAMMY, DON'T LOOK, DON'T LOOK, SAMMY. CLOSE YOUR EYES! 935 00:33:48,673 --> 00:33:50,273 OKAY, OKAY. 936 00:33:50,275 --> 00:33:51,809 OH, MY GOD, THERE IT IS. ALL RIGHT. 937 00:33:51,811 --> 00:33:53,444 HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. 938 00:33:53,446 --> 00:33:54,578 THE THING IS JUST... 939 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:57,947 OKAY. 940 00:33:57,949 --> 00:34:00,251 WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL MOM ABOUT THIS, HUH? NOBODY TELLS ANYBODY MOM. 941 00:34:00,253 --> 00:34:02,753 WHO WANTS COOKIES? 942 00:34:02,755 --> 00:34:06,523 I GET ONE NIGHT A MONTH WHERE I GET TO CHILL OUT WITH MY FRIENDS WITHOUT THE KIDS, 943 00:34:06,525 --> 00:34:09,926 AND NOT AN HOUR INTO IT, I GET THE PHONE CALL. 944 00:34:09,928 --> 00:34:11,361 ONE HOUR, ALLAN. 945 00:34:11,363 --> 00:34:12,363 I'M SORRY. 946 00:34:12,365 --> 00:34:15,466 DID YOU REALLY PASS OUT? 947 00:34:16,769 --> 00:34:20,303 YUP, LAUGH AT YOUR HUSBAND, GO AHEAD. 948 00:34:20,305 --> 00:34:22,439 NOT LIKE I COULD BE HUMILIATED ANY FURTHER. 949 00:34:22,441 --> 00:34:24,975 WHO VIDEOTAPES THEIR VASECTOMY ANYWAY? I MEAN, WHAT DOES HE DO? 950 00:34:24,977 --> 00:34:27,477 JUST SIT THERE AND WATCH IT FROM TIME TO TIME, 951 00:34:27,479 --> 00:34:29,445 JUST REMINISCING ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES? 952 00:34:29,447 --> 00:34:31,749 MEN ARE SO WEIRD. 953 00:34:31,751 --> 00:34:32,749 HEY. 954 00:34:32,751 --> 00:34:35,519 I'M SORRY. 955 00:34:35,521 --> 00:34:37,287 HEY, LOOK, 956 00:34:37,289 --> 00:34:40,457 I SAW THE PROCEDURE ON THE CALENDAR. 957 00:34:40,459 --> 00:34:42,425 I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU. 958 00:34:42,427 --> 00:34:43,926 I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA GO THROUGH WITH IT. 959 00:34:43,928 --> 00:34:46,896 IT'S JUST PENCILED IN. I COULD CANCEL AT ANY TIME. 960 00:34:46,898 --> 00:34:49,633 WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT CANCEL IT RIGHT? 961 00:34:49,635 --> 00:34:52,035 I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER DADS. 962 00:34:52,037 --> 00:34:54,570 YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME, RIGHT? 963 00:34:56,608 --> 00:34:57,874 MM-HMM. 964 00:34:57,876 --> 00:35:00,077 - OH, REALLY? - YEAH. YEAH. 965 00:35:01,479 --> 00:35:03,347 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 966 00:35:03,349 --> 00:35:04,615 - YEAH. - OH. 967 00:35:08,653 --> 00:35:10,354 WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU EXACTLY? 968 00:35:10,356 --> 00:35:12,555 WHAT DOES WHAT MEAN TO ME, DADDY? 969 00:35:12,557 --> 00:35:15,059 HEY, YOU, LITTLE GUY. 970 00:35:15,061 --> 00:35:16,959 WHOA. OKAY. 971 00:35:16,961 --> 00:35:18,361 - HEY. - GANG'S ALL HERE. 972 00:35:18,363 --> 00:35:20,798 YOU'RE SO WEIRD, DADDY. 973 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,832 MOMMY, CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU? 974 00:35:22,834 --> 00:35:24,934 - YEAH, IT'S OKAY. COME ON. - CAN I SLEEP HERE TOO, MOMMY? 975 00:35:24,936 --> 00:35:26,803 - YEAH, YOU CAN, BABY. - I CAN'T GO TO BED IN MY BED. 976 00:35:26,805 --> 00:35:27,805 EVERYBODY UNDER THE COVERS. 977 00:35:27,807 --> 00:35:28,805 DADDY, I NEED MY SPACE. 978 00:35:28,807 --> 00:35:30,407 - YEAH. - GIVE ME ROOM. 979 00:35:30,409 --> 00:35:32,475 ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY ALL SNUGGIE? 980 00:35:32,477 --> 00:35:33,943 YOU GOT ENOUGH ROOM? 981 00:35:33,945 --> 00:35:35,379 - NO. - MM. 982 00:35:35,381 --> 00:35:37,013 - I LOVE YOUR BED. - HMM. 983 00:35:37,015 --> 00:35:39,383 HEY, BABE, WILL YOU GET THE LIGHTS? 984 00:36:24,530 --> 00:36:26,062 WHO THE FUCK AM I? 985 00:36:26,064 --> 00:36:28,064 SHOW TIME. 986 00:36:28,066 --> 00:36:29,932 I'LL TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE. 987 00:36:29,934 --> 00:36:32,503 YOU, ALLAN, ARE A BAG OF MEAT 988 00:36:32,505 --> 00:36:33,870 DEFINED ONLY BY THE PURPOSE 989 00:36:33,872 --> 00:36:35,539 YOU SERVE YOUR FAMILY UNIT. 990 00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:37,474 YOU ARE NO LONGER AN INDIVIDUAL. 991 00:36:37,476 --> 00:36:39,443 YOU ARE NO LONGER A SEXUAL BEING. 992 00:36:39,445 --> 00:36:41,812 BUT I, I WANT TO BE A SEXUAL BEING. 993 00:36:41,814 --> 00:36:43,113 AND I WANT TO BE AN INDIVIDUAL, TOO. 994 00:36:43,115 --> 00:36:44,847 YOU ARE WHAT SOME FEMALES LIKE TO CALL 995 00:36:44,849 --> 00:36:47,483 - "AN EVOLVED MAN." - MM-HMM. 996 00:36:47,485 --> 00:36:49,620 IN OTHER WORDS, COMPLETELY DEVOID 997 00:36:49,622 --> 00:36:52,055 OF EVERYTHING NORMALLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE MALE SEX, 998 00:36:52,057 --> 00:36:53,689 - STRENGTH, - MM-HMM. 999 00:36:53,691 --> 00:36:55,825 - VIRILITY, POWER. - MM-HMM. MM-HMM. 1000 00:36:55,827 --> 00:36:57,827 HEY, ALLAN, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SHAVE YOUR BALLS? 1001 00:36:57,829 --> 00:36:59,863 WAIT, WAS I SUPPOSED TO? 1002 00:36:59,865 --> 00:37:01,731 FUCK! 1003 00:37:01,733 --> 00:37:03,934 IT'S LIKE A GODDAMN POMERANIAN DOWN THERE. 1004 00:37:03,936 --> 00:37:06,470 DR. KEN, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 1005 00:37:06,472 --> 00:37:08,504 WHEN DID IT HAPPEN? 1006 00:37:08,506 --> 00:37:10,908 - WAS I REALLY SUPPOSED TO SHAVE MY BALLS? - MORE IMPORTANTLY, 1007 00:37:10,910 --> 00:37:13,042 ALLAN, DID YOU REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR PAIN MEDICATION? 1008 00:37:13,044 --> 00:37:15,745 YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A PRACTICALLY PAINLESS PROCEDURE. 1009 00:37:15,747 --> 00:37:17,680 OH, DID I? 1010 00:37:17,682 --> 00:37:18,816 SO IT FINALLY HAPPENED... 1011 00:37:18,818 --> 00:37:20,850 FOR ME. 1012 00:37:20,852 --> 00:37:23,620 I NOW UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYBODY MEANS 1013 00:37:23,622 --> 00:37:27,494 WHEN THEY SPEAK OF THAT MOMENT OF CLARITY. 1014 00:37:29,928 --> 00:37:31,093 IT WAS AN OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE. 1015 00:37:31,095 --> 00:37:34,198 I SAW MYSELF, MY LIFE, 1016 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,066 MY-MY... MY FUTURE. 1017 00:37:37,068 --> 00:37:40,838 AND ALL I COULD KEEP ASKING MYSELF WAS, 1018 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,506 "WHY DO WE ALL KEEP WALKING AROUND 1019 00:37:43,508 --> 00:37:46,742 THIS PREDETERMINED PATH? 1020 00:37:46,744 --> 00:37:51,582 WHY DO WE, WE KEEP EATING, AND DRINKING, AND SHITTING, 1021 00:37:51,584 --> 00:37:54,251 AND DRIVING OUR KIDS TO SCHOOL AND PLAYDATES, 1022 00:37:54,253 --> 00:37:57,553 AND HARDLY EVER MAKING SWEET LOVE TO OUR WIVES? 1023 00:37:57,555 --> 00:38:00,159 WHY?" 1024 00:38:02,126 --> 00:38:04,660 AND WITH THAT, DEAR LISTENERS, 1025 00:38:04,662 --> 00:38:06,195 I BELIEVE WE COULD ALL COLLECTIVELY EMBRACE 1026 00:38:06,197 --> 00:38:08,664 THE ENORMITY OF THIS MOMENT. 1027 00:38:08,666 --> 00:38:12,236 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORCE A GROWN-ASS MAN 1028 00:38:12,238 --> 00:38:13,736 TO CUT OFF HIS BALLS! 1029 00:38:13,738 --> 00:38:15,171 OKAY, JUST TO REITERATE, THERE'S NO ACTUAL 1030 00:38:15,173 --> 00:38:16,740 CUTTING OF BALLS IN THE PROCEDURE. 1031 00:38:16,742 --> 00:38:18,207 YOU, SIR, 1032 00:38:18,209 --> 00:38:21,144 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS INTERRUPTING ME RIGHT NOW, OKAY? 1033 00:38:21,146 --> 00:38:24,648 YOUR ASS IS IN THE SHU, FOR LIKE A YEAR. 1034 00:38:24,650 --> 00:38:26,115 LOOK, I WAS SHOWING MY KIDS CAT VIDEOS, 1035 00:38:26,117 --> 00:38:27,718 I GUESS IT WAS STILL CONNECTED TO THE TV. 1036 00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:29,553 I-I DIDN'T KNOW, MAN. 1037 00:38:29,555 --> 00:38:31,521 DO YOU HAVE IDEA THE SHIT THAT DAISY PUT ME THROUGH? 1038 00:38:31,523 --> 00:38:32,923 SHE WANTS THE KIDS TO GET FUCKING THERAPY. 1039 00:38:32,925 --> 00:38:34,593 WHERE THE FUCK IS HE GOING? 1040 00:38:45,303 --> 00:38:47,037 COME ON, COME ON! 1041 00:38:47,039 --> 00:38:48,738 - ALLAN, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON. - PIECE OF SHIT! 1042 00:38:48,740 --> 00:38:51,541 - ALLAN, COME ON, MAN, LOOK... - YOU PIECE OF SHIT! 1043 00:38:51,543 --> 00:38:53,776 YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER PIECE OF SHIT! 1044 00:38:53,778 --> 00:38:55,211 - OH, SHIT. - COME ON! 1045 00:38:55,213 --> 00:38:58,050 COME ON, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! START! 1046 00:39:00,151 --> 00:39:01,984 I TOLD YOU SO. 1047 00:39:01,986 --> 00:39:04,287 YOU REALLY BLEW IT, BUDDY. 1048 00:39:04,289 --> 00:39:06,256 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS. 1049 00:39:06,258 --> 00:39:08,024 JUST TRY SOMETHING, OKAY? 1050 00:39:08,026 --> 00:39:09,825 JUST ANYTHING. 1051 00:39:09,827 --> 00:39:12,963 I-I-I THINK I CAN GET HER TO GO FOR THE SUV WITH THE THIRD ROW, 1052 00:39:12,965 --> 00:39:14,731 BUT I-I NEED... I NEED A MINUTE. 1053 00:39:14,733 --> 00:39:15,966 I-I GET IT, MAN, I GET IT. 1054 00:39:17,602 --> 00:39:19,269 I GOT TO CALL MARIA, GET HER OUT OF WORK EARLY, 1055 00:39:19,271 --> 00:39:22,805 GET HER TO... PICK UP TYLER FROM HIS CLUB, 1056 00:39:22,807 --> 00:39:24,975 NATHAN FROM HIS PLAYDATE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE LUCY IS. 1057 00:39:24,977 --> 00:39:27,144 - YOU NEED A LOANER? - YES. DO YOU HAVE ONE? 1058 00:39:27,146 --> 00:39:29,012 OF COURSE I HAVE A LOANER. 1059 00:39:29,014 --> 00:39:31,715 - OH, THANK YOU. - I JUST GOT THE TITLE YESTERDAY. 1060 00:39:31,717 --> 00:39:33,816 MY ASSHOLE CUSTOMER DIDN'T PAY HIS BILLS, 1061 00:39:33,818 --> 00:39:35,117 SO I TOOK POSSESSION. 1062 00:39:35,119 --> 00:39:38,021 - THE 350. - NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT! 1063 00:39:38,023 --> 00:39:41,794 THIS IS MY CAR, THIS IS THE LOANER. 1064 00:39:43,928 --> 00:39:45,729 NO, NO, NO, THAT'S A MINIVAN. 1065 00:39:45,731 --> 00:39:47,997 - THESE THINGS ARE CLASSICS NOW. - WHAT ABOUT THIS? 1066 00:39:47,999 --> 00:39:50,334 WHAT-WHAT'S-WHAT'S... TROOPER. 1067 00:39:50,336 --> 00:39:53,070 NO, THAT IS A CUSTOMER CAR, THIS IS THE LOANER. 1068 00:39:53,072 --> 00:39:55,305 - THAT'S... - LOOK, I KNOW IT'S NOT SUV 1069 00:39:55,307 --> 00:39:57,307 WITH THE THIRD ROW, BUT IT RUNS. 1070 00:39:57,309 --> 00:39:59,943 NO, PLE... I-I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT, I DON'T WANT IT. IT'S... 1071 00:39:59,945 --> 00:40:01,981 WOULD YOU RATHER CALL YOUR WIFE AND HAVE HER COME PICK YOU UP? 1072 00:40:05,217 --> 00:40:06,749 NO, NO. 1073 00:40:06,751 --> 00:40:08,751 I'LL GET THE KEYS. 1074 00:40:19,631 --> 00:40:22,032 BULLSHIT. MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. 1075 00:40:22,034 --> 00:40:24,867 I'M NOT A MINIVAN PERSON. 1076 00:40:24,869 --> 00:40:26,102 I DRIVE A JEEP. 1077 00:40:26,104 --> 00:40:27,838 A MAN DRIVE'S A JEEP. 1078 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:31,073 PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME, PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT ME. 1079 00:40:31,075 --> 00:40:33,142 IS MY VOICE CHANGING? JESUS. 1080 00:40:33,144 --> 00:40:34,811 MY VOICE. 1081 00:40:36,948 --> 00:40:40,350 FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. 1082 00:40:40,352 --> 00:40:42,051 LOOK AWAY, LOOK AWAY. 1083 00:40:42,053 --> 00:40:44,887 UGH. OH, JESUS CHRIST. 1084 00:40:44,889 --> 00:40:46,725 OH, YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DON'T WORK. 1085 00:40:55,968 --> 00:40:58,001 DAD, WHAT IS THIS? 1086 00:40:58,003 --> 00:40:59,369 - IS THIS YOUR MINIVAN? - I KNOW. 1087 00:40:59,371 --> 00:41:01,905 I KNOW, OKAY? I'M S... 1088 00:41:01,907 --> 00:41:03,140 JUST, COME ON, GET IN. 1089 00:41:03,142 --> 00:41:05,041 - NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. - WHAT? 1090 00:41:05,043 --> 00:41:07,044 GET-GET IN THE CAR. YOU THINK I LIKE THIS? 1091 00:41:07,046 --> 00:41:10,680 HEY, LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW? 1092 00:41:10,682 --> 00:41:12,816 - I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CHOICE. - YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. 1093 00:41:12,818 --> 00:41:15,686 - JUST GET IN THE CAR. - DOES MOM KNOW? 1094 00:41:15,688 --> 00:41:17,854 YOU'RE ASKING ME TOO MANY QUESTIONS. JUST CUT IT OUT! 1095 00:41:17,856 --> 00:41:20,256 JUST GET IN THE CAR, OKAY? 1096 00:41:20,258 --> 00:41:22,762 GODDAMN IT. 1097 00:41:26,999 --> 00:41:30,332 I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, BUDDY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY. 1098 00:41:30,334 --> 00:41:31,401 I'M SORRY. 1099 00:41:31,403 --> 00:41:33,303 THIS... 1100 00:41:33,305 --> 00:41:35,274 THIS IS A PIECE OF SHIT. 1101 00:41:37,843 --> 00:41:39,175 UH, ALLAN, ARE YOU OKAY? 1102 00:41:39,177 --> 00:41:40,477 I JUST NEED A DRINK. 1103 00:41:40,479 --> 00:41:41,878 YEAH. 1104 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:42,914 THERE YOU GO. 1105 00:41:45,818 --> 00:41:48,117 YOU NEED ANOTHER ONE? 1106 00:41:48,119 --> 00:41:50,419 YEAH, I MEAN, I CAN GET ANOTHER BOTTLE AND GET SOME... 1107 00:41:50,421 --> 00:41:53,423 NO, NO, I'M FINE. 1108 00:41:53,425 --> 00:41:55,325 YOU KNOW WHY I'M FINE? 1109 00:41:55,327 --> 00:41:58,227 BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MY LIFE FROM THE OTHER SIDE. 1110 00:41:58,229 --> 00:41:59,495 OH, SHIT. 1111 00:41:59,497 --> 00:42:01,064 NO, NO. 1112 00:42:01,066 --> 00:42:02,733 AND I'VE REALIZED SOMETHING: 1113 00:42:02,735 --> 00:42:04,166 IT CANNOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE. 1114 00:42:04,168 --> 00:42:06,403 OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, DON'T, UH, DON'T SAY THAT. 1115 00:42:06,405 --> 00:42:08,838 NO, NO. IN ONE WEEK'S TIME, 1116 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:11,841 I'M GOING TO GET A VASECTOMY THAT I DON'T WANT 1117 00:42:11,843 --> 00:42:13,142 AND THEN EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER. 1118 00:42:13,144 --> 00:42:14,945 MAYBE THE WOMEN ARE RIGHT. 1119 00:42:14,947 --> 00:42:16,312 OKAY? 1120 00:42:16,314 --> 00:42:20,117 MAYBE THE BIG SNIP IS THE LEAST WE CAN DO. 1121 00:42:20,119 --> 00:42:21,852 WOMEN DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING. 1122 00:42:21,854 --> 00:42:23,419 WHAT ARE WE SAYING? WE... 1123 00:42:23,421 --> 00:42:24,421 WE'RE HORNY ALL THE TIME. 1124 00:42:27,825 --> 00:42:29,992 HEY, MAN, HE'S NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. 1125 00:42:29,994 --> 00:42:31,394 I MEAN, SHOULD WE CALL SOMEBODY? 1126 00:42:31,396 --> 00:42:33,262 CALL WHO? 1127 00:42:33,264 --> 00:42:34,865 A SHRINK? 1128 00:42:34,867 --> 00:42:36,468 - HIS WIFE? - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, 1129 00:42:38,336 --> 00:42:40,202 I THINK IT IS TIME 1130 00:42:40,204 --> 00:42:46,008 THAT WE ALL START DOING OUR FAIR SHARE. 1131 00:42:46,010 --> 00:42:49,312 MAYBE WE'D ALL BE GETTING LAID A LOT MORE. 1132 00:42:49,314 --> 00:42:50,312 NOW, 1133 00:42:50,314 --> 00:42:53,048 IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 1134 00:42:53,050 --> 00:42:55,188 I HAVE GOT A PRINCESS PARTY TO GO TO. 1135 00:42:57,523 --> 00:42:59,789 FUCKING MEN. 1136 00:42:59,791 --> 00:43:01,226 WE FUCK IT UP. 1137 00:43:04,363 --> 00:43:07,396 - DAMN. - THERE IS ACTUALLY, LIKE, A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT? 1138 00:43:14,572 --> 00:43:16,305 - OH, HI, MOM. - WHAT'S UP, MOMMY? 1139 00:43:16,307 --> 00:43:17,874 YOU DIDN'T WEAR ENOUGH PINK TODAY. 1140 00:43:17,876 --> 00:43:20,042 GOOD TO SEE THE DADS PULLING THEIR WEIGHT. 1141 00:43:20,044 --> 00:43:22,178 OH, DID WE HAVE ANOTHER CHOICE AFTER JASON'S STUNT THE OTHER NIGHT? PRICK. 1142 00:43:22,180 --> 00:43:23,979 WHERE'S THE BOOZE? 1143 00:43:23,981 --> 00:43:25,816 - OH, THERE'S NO ALCOHOL. - NO. 1144 00:43:25,818 --> 00:43:27,416 - WHAT? - UH, ORGANIC LEMONADE 1145 00:43:27,418 --> 00:43:29,186 - AND GLUTEN-FREE COOKIES. - OH. 1146 00:43:29,188 --> 00:43:32,888 HEY, GREAT, DELICIOUS. MM. 1147 00:43:32,890 --> 00:43:34,524 THE HELL KIND OF PRINCESS PARTY IS THIS? 1148 00:43:34,526 --> 00:43:36,325 - THE STUPID KIND. - VERY BAD KIND. 1149 00:43:36,327 --> 00:43:38,528 DADDY, I WANT A WAND. 1150 00:43:38,530 --> 00:43:39,963 I WANT A WAND. 1151 00:43:39,965 --> 00:43:41,263 YES, I'M WATCHING YOU. 1152 00:43:41,265 --> 00:43:42,599 GO AHEAD, GO GET A WAND, GET A WAND. 1153 00:43:42,601 --> 00:43:44,300 - YAY. - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 1154 00:43:44,302 --> 00:43:46,369 WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING THAT AND WE HAVE A PLAN B. 1155 00:43:46,371 --> 00:43:48,037 LET'S DO THAT PLAN B. 1156 00:43:48,039 --> 00:43:50,140 - LET'S BLACKLIST THESE ASSHOLES. - YEAH. 1157 00:43:50,142 --> 00:43:52,242 NO MORE PLAYDATES EVER. 1158 00:43:52,244 --> 00:43:53,943 THEY'LL GO CRAZY IN LESS THAN A MONTH. 1159 00:43:53,945 --> 00:43:56,012 I LIKE THAT A LOT, DADS. 1160 00:43:56,014 --> 00:43:58,515 LIFE GIVES YOU ORGANIC LEMONS, YOU SPIKE 'EM. 1161 00:43:58,517 --> 00:44:00,584 - FUCK YES. - WHO THROWS A PARTY WITH NO ALCOHOL? 1162 00:44:00,586 --> 00:44:01,617 ASSHOLES. 1163 00:44:01,619 --> 00:44:05,321 OH, LOOK WHO'S ON HIS WAY OUT. 1164 00:44:05,323 --> 00:44:06,957 - OH, HEY, DAN. - THERE YOU ARE. 1165 00:44:06,959 --> 00:44:08,225 GREAT PARTY, BUDDY. 1166 00:44:08,227 --> 00:44:10,193 I'M STARTING TO FREAK OUT, YOU GUYS. 1167 00:44:10,195 --> 00:44:12,162 THAT IN THERE IS ABOUT TO TURN INTO A GODDAMN CLUSTERFUCK 1168 00:44:12,164 --> 00:44:13,530 IF YOU DON'T HELP ME. 1169 00:44:13,532 --> 00:44:15,365 THOSE, UH, ACTRESSES I, I BOUGHT 1170 00:44:15,367 --> 00:44:16,566 TO PLAY THE PRINCESSES ARE TOTALLY LATE. 1171 00:44:16,568 --> 00:44:18,334 SO LITTLE SUSIE'S GONNA FLIP 1172 00:44:18,336 --> 00:44:20,437 IF I DON'T GET SOME ENTERTAINMENT GOING ON IN THERE. 1173 00:44:20,439 --> 00:44:22,939 SO I WAS THINKING, I GOT SOME MUSIC, WE COULD DO MAYBE A LITTLE DANCE. 1174 00:44:22,941 --> 00:44:24,207 - MM-HMM. - LIKE THE OLDEN DAYS. 1175 00:44:24,209 --> 00:44:25,207 I NEVER LIKED YOU. 1176 00:44:25,209 --> 00:44:27,343 THAT'S NOT TRUE. 1177 00:44:27,345 --> 00:44:29,314 ALLAN, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE. PLEASE, ONE TIME. 1178 00:44:31,582 --> 00:44:33,048 LET'S SAVE THIS KIDDIE PARTY, DAN. 1179 00:44:33,050 --> 00:44:34,584 YES! I KNEW YOU'D COME THROUGH. 1180 00:44:34,586 --> 00:44:35,651 - LET'S GO, LET'S GO. - LET'S BE MEN. 1181 00:44:35,653 --> 00:44:36,653 - NO. - LET'S BE MEN TOGETHER. 1182 00:44:36,655 --> 00:44:37,887 THANKS, MAN. 1183 00:44:37,889 --> 00:44:39,388 I OWE YOU BIG TIME. 1184 00:44:39,390 --> 00:44:41,224 I'M SO GLAD I COULD HELP, DAN. 1185 00:44:41,226 --> 00:44:44,160 YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY STARTED TO SEE THINGS A LOT MORE CLEARLY. 1186 00:44:44,162 --> 00:44:45,160 USED TO HAVE ALL THESE FEARS, 1187 00:44:45,162 --> 00:44:46,463 BAGGAGE. 1188 00:44:46,465 --> 00:44:48,231 - OH, YEAH? - YEAH. 1189 00:44:48,233 --> 00:44:51,267 USED TO THINK THAT BEING A HUSBAND AND A DAD WASN'T ENOUGH. 1190 00:44:51,269 --> 00:44:53,202 YOU KNOW, I NEEDED SOME KIND OF ESCAPE ROUTE. 1191 00:44:53,204 --> 00:44:54,336 MM. 1192 00:44:54,338 --> 00:44:56,338 WELL, I DON'T NEED THAT ANYMORE. 1193 00:44:56,340 --> 00:44:58,908 AND NEITHER DO YOU. 1194 00:44:58,910 --> 00:44:59,975 THIS, RIGHT HERE, 1195 00:44:59,977 --> 00:45:01,977 IS US. 1196 00:45:01,979 --> 00:45:04,446 WE SHOULD JUST EMBRACE IT. 1197 00:45:04,448 --> 00:45:06,448 - ZIP ME UP. - OKAY, SURE. 1198 00:45:06,450 --> 00:45:08,984 - WHO ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY? - I DON'T EVEN KNOW. 1199 00:45:08,986 --> 00:45:11,354 IT'S SOME STUPID-ASS SHOW SUSIE WATCHES. 1200 00:45:11,356 --> 00:45:13,590 IT WAS EITHER THESE TWO GUYS OR PRINCESS DRESSES 1201 00:45:13,592 --> 00:45:15,425 - YEAH. - LOOK, MAN, 1202 00:45:15,427 --> 00:45:17,059 I LOVE HER. 1203 00:45:17,061 --> 00:45:20,195 I'D DO ANYTHING FOR HER, YOU KNOW? 1204 00:45:20,197 --> 00:45:22,599 WELL, LET'S NOT FUCK THIS UP THEN. 1205 00:45:23,602 --> 00:45:25,234 AH. 1206 00:45:25,236 --> 00:45:26,303 I GOT THE SONG QUEUED UP. 1207 00:45:26,305 --> 00:45:27,370 AT LEAST I THINK IT'S THE SONG. 1208 00:45:27,372 --> 00:45:28,939 NO. 1209 00:45:28,941 --> 00:45:31,207 WE'RE GONNA ROCK THE FUCK OUT OF THIS, DAD. 1210 00:45:31,209 --> 00:45:32,709 COME ON. 1211 00:45:32,711 --> 00:45:34,544 LET'S GO. 1212 00:45:34,546 --> 00:45:36,245 COMING THROUGH. GATHER 'ROUND. 1213 00:45:36,247 --> 00:45:37,446 LOOK WHAT I GOT! 1214 00:45:37,448 --> 00:45:38,715 LOOK WHAT'S BETTER THAN A PRINCESS, 1215 00:45:38,717 --> 00:45:40,383 IT'S GARY THE CHICKEN! 1216 00:45:40,385 --> 00:45:42,619 IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN A PRINCESS PARTY, RIGHT? 1217 00:45:44,488 --> 00:45:46,021 THEY'RE LOVING THIS. 1218 00:45:46,023 --> 00:45:47,691 LOOK AT THEIR FACES, LOOK AT THEIR FACES. 1219 00:45:47,693 --> 00:45:48,959 THEY'RE TOTALLY HAPPY. 1220 00:45:53,564 --> 00:45:55,097 THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES. 1221 00:45:55,099 --> 00:45:56,700 - THAT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT SONG. - OKAY, OKAY. 1222 00:45:56,702 --> 00:45:59,169 - TAKE IT EASY, LITTLE GIRL. - WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE A FAKE. 1223 00:45:59,171 --> 00:46:00,602 - SUSIE, THAT'S NOT... - WHERE IS THE PRINCESSES? 1224 00:46:00,604 --> 00:46:03,273 THIS SUCKS! 1225 00:46:03,275 --> 00:46:04,506 WHO BOOS A CHICKEN? 1226 00:46:04,508 --> 00:46:06,408 IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE. 1227 00:46:06,410 --> 00:46:08,178 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE? 1228 00:46:10,615 --> 00:46:12,247 YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BASTARDS. 1229 00:46:12,249 --> 00:46:13,283 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE. 1230 00:46:13,285 --> 00:46:16,452 YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS! 1231 00:46:16,454 --> 00:46:18,254 WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? 1232 00:46:18,256 --> 00:46:20,090 PRINCESS PARTIES... 1233 00:46:20,092 --> 00:46:22,057 WHERE DADS COME TO DIE. 1234 00:46:23,260 --> 00:46:24,727 IT'S CHICKEN FOR DINNER! 1235 00:46:27,032 --> 00:46:28,664 - WHAT'S HAPPENING? - WOW, ALLAN. 1236 00:46:28,666 --> 00:46:29,765 THOSE ARE SOME HAIRY BALLS. 1237 00:46:29,767 --> 00:46:31,300 I'M GONNA GO WASH MY HANDS. 1238 00:46:31,302 --> 00:46:33,135 THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. BUT DON'T WORRY, ALLAN, 1239 00:46:33,137 --> 00:46:35,004 THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A MAN'S BALLS ANYMORE. 1240 00:46:35,006 --> 00:46:36,006 WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT. 1241 00:46:36,008 --> 00:46:37,439 WHY DON'T YOU SHAVE MY LEGS, 1242 00:46:37,441 --> 00:46:39,575 AND WAX MY ASSHOLE AND PAINT MY TOENAILS PINK 1243 00:46:39,577 --> 00:46:41,477 WHILE YOU'RE WORKING? YOU HAVE NO IDEA 1244 00:46:41,479 --> 00:46:43,579 WHAT KIND OF DAY I'VE HAD. AND I AM GONNA GET THROUGH THIS. 1245 00:46:43,581 --> 00:46:45,048 YOU GOT MOXIE, KID. 1246 00:46:45,050 --> 00:46:46,582 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 1247 00:46:46,584 --> 00:46:48,117 - WHO'S THIS? - OH, WHAT, DIDN'T YOU KNOW? 1248 00:46:48,119 --> 00:46:49,352 THIS IS A TEACHING CLINIC. 1249 00:46:49,354 --> 00:46:51,320 THESE ARE FIRST-YEAR RESIDENTS. 1250 00:46:51,322 --> 00:46:53,055 - SAY HI, STUDENTS. - HI. 1251 00:46:53,057 --> 00:46:55,158 IT'S THEIR FIRST VASECTOMY. THEY'RE VERY EXCITED. 1252 00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:57,494 - I... NO, NO. - NOW DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF. 1253 00:46:57,496 --> 00:46:58,660 I'M GONNA WALK THEM THROUGH EVERYTHING 1254 00:46:58,662 --> 00:47:01,131 AND I'M GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE 1255 00:47:01,133 --> 00:47:02,564 IN CASE THEY CAN'T CONTROL THE BLEEDING. 1256 00:47:02,566 --> 00:47:04,600 GAH! DR. KEN, PLEASE! 1257 00:47:04,602 --> 00:47:06,102 DOCTOR, I CAN'T FIND THEM. 1258 00:47:06,104 --> 00:47:07,604 - CAN'T FIND HIS BALLS? - WHAT? 1259 00:47:07,606 --> 00:47:10,340 - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - THEY'RE NOT IN THERE. 1260 00:47:10,342 --> 00:47:12,374 OH, ALLAN, I'M SORRY, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. 1261 00:47:12,376 --> 00:47:14,276 YOUR BALLS MUST'VE SHRIVELED UP INSIDE YOUR BODY. 1262 00:47:14,278 --> 00:47:15,812 OH, COME ON, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? 1263 00:47:15,814 --> 00:47:17,280 PROBABLY FROM LACK OF USE. 1264 00:47:17,282 --> 00:47:19,615 THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES. 1265 00:47:19,617 --> 00:47:22,084 THIS IS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. NURSE, GO GET THE PLIERS FROM THE TOOLBOX 1266 00:47:22,086 --> 00:47:24,086 - IN MY CAR. - WHAT, WHAT? NO, NO, NO. 1267 00:47:24,088 --> 00:47:26,388 - YOU GUYS, START PRAYING. I'M GONNA GET A DRINK. - COME BACK. 1268 00:47:26,390 --> 00:47:28,224 DON'T LEAVE ME! 1269 00:47:28,226 --> 00:47:29,626 ...GIVE THIS MAN BALLS. 1270 00:47:29,628 --> 00:47:32,095 LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS, AND TAKES BALLS, 1271 00:47:32,097 --> 00:47:34,129 GIVE THIS MAN BALLS. LORD, THY WHO GRANTS BALLS... 1272 00:47:34,131 --> 00:47:36,131 ALLAN. 1273 00:47:36,133 --> 00:47:37,535 ALLAN! 1274 00:47:38,803 --> 00:47:40,236 HMM. 1275 00:47:40,238 --> 00:47:41,537 DADDY, ARE YOU FLIPPING OUT AGAIN? 1276 00:47:41,539 --> 00:47:43,673 NO, BABY, HE'S NOT FLIPPING OUT AGAIN. 1277 00:47:43,675 --> 00:47:45,508 MAYBE HE'S DYING. 1278 00:47:45,510 --> 00:47:47,410 - DAD, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. - ALLAN... 1279 00:47:47,412 --> 00:47:49,111 I'M FINE. 1280 00:47:49,113 --> 00:47:51,213 I'M... TOTALLY FINE. 1281 00:47:51,215 --> 00:47:52,582 I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER. 1282 00:47:53,617 --> 00:47:55,318 SHOULD I GET THAT? 1283 00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:58,454 NO, DO NOT GET THAT. 1284 00:47:58,456 --> 00:48:02,258 THAT IDIOT, CARTER, POSTED YOUR EPISODE ON FACEBOOK. 1285 00:48:02,260 --> 00:48:03,859 EVERYBODY'S BEEN CALLING ALL DAY. 1286 00:48:03,861 --> 00:48:06,495 YOU'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF LIKES AND SOME REALLY WEIRD COMMENTS. 1287 00:48:06,497 --> 00:48:08,231 OH. 1288 00:48:08,233 --> 00:48:09,865 DADDY, YOU'RE REALLY SCARING ME, MOMMY. 1289 00:48:09,867 --> 00:48:11,800 BABY, DADDY, JUST GOT TOO WARM IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME. 1290 00:48:11,802 --> 00:48:13,503 THAT'S ALL, OKAY? 1291 00:48:13,505 --> 00:48:14,570 RIGHT, ALLAN? 1292 00:48:14,572 --> 00:48:17,606 FORKS ARE FUNNY. 1293 00:48:20,811 --> 00:48:22,512 OKAY. 1294 00:48:22,514 --> 00:48:24,713 MAYBE WE'LL JUST POSTPONE THE VASECTOMY 1295 00:48:24,715 --> 00:48:28,218 AND... MAYBE EVERYTHING CAN GET BACK TO NORMAL AROUND HERE. 1296 00:48:28,220 --> 00:48:30,153 MM. 1297 00:48:30,155 --> 00:48:32,454 I DON'T THINK ANYTHING WILL BE GOING BACK TO NORMAL. 1298 00:48:32,456 --> 00:48:33,722 KIDS? 1299 00:48:33,724 --> 00:48:36,358 - PLEASE GO TO YOUR ROOM. - RIGHT NOW? 1300 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:37,695 OKAY. 1301 00:48:38,863 --> 00:48:41,798 DADDY'S GONNA GET IT. 1302 00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:43,133 COME ON. 1303 00:48:43,135 --> 00:48:44,233 BUT I'M STILL EATING. 1304 00:48:44,235 --> 00:48:45,801 I DON'T CARE. COME ON. 1305 00:48:45,803 --> 00:48:48,271 BUT WHEN ARE WE GONNA EAT? I'M NOT FULL. 1306 00:48:48,273 --> 00:48:51,140 I'VE GOT SOME SWEETS IN MY ROOM. 1307 00:48:51,142 --> 00:48:54,176 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? 1308 00:48:54,178 --> 00:48:56,579 DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE KIND OF SHIT YOU PUT US THROUGH TODAY? 1309 00:48:56,581 --> 00:48:57,579 AND NOW FORKS? 1310 00:48:57,581 --> 00:48:59,182 FORKS, FORKS ARE FUNNY. 1311 00:48:59,184 --> 00:49:00,316 OH, MY GOD. 1312 00:49:00,318 --> 00:49:01,684 THE FUCKING FORK, ALLAN. 1313 00:49:01,686 --> 00:49:03,385 YOU KNOW, THAT THERAPIST SAID 1314 00:49:03,387 --> 00:49:05,588 WE SHOWED MUCH IMPROVEMENT. I THINK THIS IS KARMA 1315 00:49:05,590 --> 00:49:08,224 FOR US NOT FINISHING OUR TREATMENT. 1316 00:49:08,226 --> 00:49:10,660 WELL, I LOVE YOU, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 1317 00:49:10,662 --> 00:49:14,263 I'M LOST, I-I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. 1318 00:49:14,265 --> 00:49:15,765 AND I-I'M TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT, 1319 00:49:15,767 --> 00:49:17,934 BUT IT'S... I LOOK AROUND ME 1320 00:49:17,936 --> 00:49:19,769 AND I SEE WHAT WE HAVE AND I'M WONDERING WHAT... 1321 00:49:19,771 --> 00:49:20,769 HOW DID I GET HERE? 1322 00:49:20,771 --> 00:49:21,803 WHAT IS... WHAT'S HAPPENED? 1323 00:49:21,805 --> 00:49:23,238 YOU GREW UP, ALLAN. 1324 00:49:23,240 --> 00:49:24,407 WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP ANYMORE. 1325 00:49:24,409 --> 00:49:25,608 AWESOME. 1326 00:49:25,610 --> 00:49:27,176 THAT'S GREAT. 1327 00:49:27,178 --> 00:49:28,577 NO, LISTEN, W-WHY... W-WHY DO WE HAVE TO DO 1328 00:49:28,579 --> 00:49:29,778 WHAT'S EXPECTED OF US? 1329 00:49:29,780 --> 00:49:33,483 WHY CAN'T WE DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO? WHY? 1330 00:49:33,485 --> 00:49:35,684 I MEAN, ARE YOU EVEN HAPPY? 1331 00:49:35,686 --> 00:49:36,688 HMM. 1332 00:49:38,657 --> 00:49:41,591 HONEY... 1333 00:49:41,593 --> 00:49:44,928 WELL, I GUESS WE'RE REAL MARRIED PEOPLE NOW. 1334 00:49:44,930 --> 00:49:46,963 JUST COMMON, 1335 00:49:46,965 --> 00:49:48,865 RUN-OF-THE-MILL, 1336 00:49:48,867 --> 00:49:50,832 BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE. 1337 00:49:50,834 --> 00:49:52,501 WE'RE NOT. 1338 00:49:52,503 --> 00:49:55,470 WE'RE NOT BASIC, WE'RE NOT BASIC MARRIED PEOPLE. 1339 00:49:55,472 --> 00:49:56,472 ARE WE? 1340 00:49:56,474 --> 00:49:58,811 YEAH. 1341 00:50:00,811 --> 00:50:02,812 YOU KNOW, I... 1342 00:50:02,814 --> 00:50:05,280 WATCHED THAT DOCUMENTARY ON THE AMISH THE OTHER DAY. 1343 00:50:05,282 --> 00:50:07,684 UH... THE ONE IN OUR QUEUE. 1344 00:50:07,686 --> 00:50:10,320 YEAH, YEAH, I'VE SEEN THAT. IN THE QUEUE, I MEAN. 1345 00:50:10,322 --> 00:50:13,289 ANYWAY, BEFORE THEY CAN BECOME FULL 1346 00:50:13,291 --> 00:50:15,892 AND PROPER AMISH PEOPLE, 1347 00:50:15,894 --> 00:50:17,593 THEY HAVE TO GO OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD 1348 00:50:17,595 --> 00:50:20,863 AND EXPERIENCE IT TO SEE IF THE AMISH LIFE 1349 00:50:20,865 --> 00:50:23,332 IS WHAT THEY REALLY WANT. 1350 00:50:23,334 --> 00:50:24,334 THEY CALL IT "RUMSPRINGA." 1351 00:50:24,336 --> 00:50:26,369 YEAH. 1352 00:50:26,371 --> 00:50:28,771 UH... DO YOU WANT ME TO WATCH IT OR WHAT? 1353 00:50:28,773 --> 00:50:30,606 WATCH IT TONIGHT, IF YOU WANT. 1354 00:50:30,608 --> 00:50:34,510 I THINK THAT YOU NEED... 1355 00:50:34,512 --> 00:50:37,582 YOUR OWN MINI RUMSPRINGA. 1356 00:50:39,851 --> 00:50:42,251 JUST TO GET THIS ALL OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, 1357 00:50:42,253 --> 00:50:44,519 THIS... DOUBT. 1358 00:50:44,521 --> 00:50:46,955 UH, AND THEN YOU WANT ME TO GET THE VASECTOMY, THEN... 1359 00:50:46,957 --> 00:50:50,359 IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FUCKING VASECTOMY, JESUS. 1360 00:50:50,361 --> 00:50:54,696 I WANT YOU TO DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU NEED TO DO 1361 00:50:54,698 --> 00:50:57,899 TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS LIFE. 1362 00:50:57,901 --> 00:51:00,870 OKAY? SO JUST... WHATEVER THAT IS. 1363 00:51:00,872 --> 00:51:02,571 KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. 1364 00:51:02,573 --> 00:51:04,606 AND I'LL... 1365 00:51:04,608 --> 00:51:07,042 I'LL TAKE THE KIDS TO MY MOM FOR THE WEEKEND. 1366 00:51:07,044 --> 00:51:09,579 AND THEN, COME MONDAY, 1367 00:51:09,581 --> 00:51:11,648 WE'LL SEE. 1368 00:51:11,650 --> 00:51:12,948 BUT, ALLAN, 1369 00:51:12,950 --> 00:51:17,289 YOU'RE NOT THE GUY IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME. 1370 00:51:23,561 --> 00:51:25,628 ANYTHING I WANT. ANYTHING I WANT? 1371 00:51:25,630 --> 00:51:26,995 THAT'S... 1372 00:51:26,997 --> 00:51:28,698 IT IS A TRAP. 1373 00:51:28,700 --> 00:51:30,566 THE OLDEST TRAP KNOWN TO MAN. 1374 00:51:30,568 --> 00:51:31,667 "OH, GO AND DO WHATEVER YOU WANT." 1375 00:51:31,669 --> 00:51:33,403 THEY DON'T MEAN THAT SHIT. 1376 00:51:33,405 --> 00:51:35,504 THIS IS A CLASSIC LOSE-LOSE SITUATION. 1377 00:51:35,506 --> 00:51:36,872 I MEAN, YOU'VE ALREADY LET IT GO TOO FAR. 1378 00:51:36,874 --> 00:51:38,640 YOU GOT TO FIND MARIA RIGHT NOW 1379 00:51:38,642 --> 00:51:40,609 AND TELL HER THAT YOU DON'T NEED THIS MINI RUMSPRINGA. 1380 00:51:40,611 --> 00:51:42,611 WHAT? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. 1381 00:51:42,613 --> 00:51:44,513 UH, YOU WANT HIM TO FALL FOR IT? 1382 00:51:44,515 --> 00:51:46,983 I WANT HIM TO REALIZE WHAT SHE'S DOING TO HIM. 1383 00:51:46,985 --> 00:51:48,584 WHAT THEY DO TO US ALL. 1384 00:51:48,586 --> 00:51:51,320 I KNOW WHAT I WANT. 1385 00:51:51,322 --> 00:51:54,057 YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! SHE'LL LOCK YOUR ASS IN A ROOM. 1386 00:51:54,059 --> 00:51:56,925 YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE WITH PHIL ON THIS ONE. I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR RECENT LIFE CHOICES. 1387 00:51:56,927 --> 00:52:00,930 NO, I WANT TO TRUST MY WIFE, OKAY? 1388 00:52:00,932 --> 00:52:03,466 AND I WANT MY MINI RUMSPRINGA. 1389 00:52:03,468 --> 00:52:05,501 I WANT ONE WEEKEND OUT OF MY LIFE 1390 00:52:05,503 --> 00:52:07,970 THAT I'M NOT A BASIC MARRIED PERSON. 1391 00:52:07,972 --> 00:52:11,407 I DON'T REMEMBER A TIME WITHOUT KIDDIE PARTIES, 1392 00:52:11,409 --> 00:52:14,843 OR PLAYDATES, OR POTTY TRAINING. 1393 00:52:14,845 --> 00:52:16,979 WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS DO IF YOUR WIVES SAID 1394 00:52:16,981 --> 00:52:18,715 YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANT? 1395 00:52:18,717 --> 00:52:20,515 WHAT WOULD YOU DO? 1396 00:52:20,517 --> 00:52:23,919 I'M NOT GONNA DENY THAT I'VE DREAMT ABOUT THIS SCENARIO, 1397 00:52:23,921 --> 00:52:24,986 ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. 1398 00:52:24,988 --> 00:52:27,090 $50 RIB EYE. 1399 00:52:27,092 --> 00:52:29,892 FOLLOWED BY A NIGHT IN AN EXCLUSIVE VIP VODKA FREEZER. 1400 00:52:29,894 --> 00:52:32,662 CLASSY STRIPPERS. 1401 00:52:32,664 --> 00:52:34,363 SHOOT, NASTY STRIPPERS. 1402 00:52:34,365 --> 00:52:35,765 WE SHOULD COME WITH YOU. 1403 00:52:35,767 --> 00:52:37,934 YOU KNOW, UH, FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, RIGHT? 1404 00:52:37,936 --> 00:52:39,568 I MEAN, EVE ALREADY THINKS YOU'RE HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. 1405 00:52:39,570 --> 00:52:41,137 THIS IS A PERFECT EXCUSE. 1406 00:52:41,139 --> 00:52:42,771 WHAT DO YOU THINK LISTENERS? 1407 00:52:42,773 --> 00:52:44,673 SHOULD WE ACCOMPANY ALLAN 1408 00:52:44,675 --> 00:52:46,776 ON HIS NOBLE QUEST FOR ENLIGHTENMENT? 1409 00:52:46,778 --> 00:52:48,778 OH, GOD, YES, THEY-THEY SAID YES, ALL FIVE OF THEM SAID YES. 1410 00:52:48,780 --> 00:52:50,512 SIX, SIX OF 'EM. 1411 00:52:50,514 --> 00:52:52,881 GUYS, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S... IT'S MY RUMSPRINGA. 1412 00:52:52,883 --> 00:52:55,385 THAT'S TOO MANY SYLLABLES TO GO IT ALONE, MAN. 1413 00:52:55,387 --> 00:52:57,854 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I COULD USE THE COMPANY, I GUESS. 1414 00:52:57,856 --> 00:52:59,722 - RUMSPRINGA! - RUMSPRINGA, YAY-YAY! 1415 00:53:05,396 --> 00:53:07,396 GRANDMA'S, YAY! 1416 00:53:07,398 --> 00:53:09,399 ALL RIGHT, LET YOUR BROTHER IN FIRST, OKAY? 1417 00:53:09,401 --> 00:53:11,133 - IS DADDY GONNA DIE? - DADDY'S NOT GONNA DIE. 1418 00:53:11,135 --> 00:53:12,468 HE JUST NEEDS A BREAK RIGHT NOW. 1419 00:53:12,470 --> 00:53:14,137 BEFORE THEY BURN HIS WEE-WEE? 1420 00:53:14,139 --> 00:53:16,004 EVERYBODY IN THE CAR. YOU'RE SAYING CRAZY THINGS. 1421 00:53:16,006 --> 00:53:17,807 IN THE CAR CAN WE TALK ABOUT VASECTOMIES? 1422 00:53:17,809 --> 00:53:19,541 MAYBE NOT, I DON'T KNOW. 1423 00:53:19,543 --> 00:53:21,477 WILL YOU HELP YOUR SISTER WITH HER SEATBELT, PLEASE? 1424 00:53:32,490 --> 00:53:33,488 I'M ALONE. 1425 00:53:37,961 --> 00:53:39,831 WHOO! AH! 1426 00:53:44,436 --> 00:53:45,434 AH, AH, AH! 1427 00:54:12,863 --> 00:54:14,497 COME IN! 1428 00:54:18,802 --> 00:54:20,937 - MM. - WELCOME TO MY RUMSPRINGA. 1429 00:54:20,939 --> 00:54:22,838 YES. 1430 00:54:22,840 --> 00:54:24,774 IS THIS REALLY WHAT I THINK IT IS? 1431 00:54:24,776 --> 00:54:26,175 PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT HAPPENING. 1432 00:54:26,177 --> 00:54:28,611 I ADMIT, I MIGHT HAVE SPLURGED A LITTLE BIT. 1433 00:54:28,613 --> 00:54:30,213 REALLY? 1434 00:54:30,215 --> 00:54:31,814 THERE'S ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US? 1435 00:54:31,816 --> 00:54:33,149 - MM! - OKAY, WAIT A SECOND, 1436 00:54:33,151 --> 00:54:35,017 WE NEVER DISCUSSED THE LIMITATIONS 1437 00:54:35,019 --> 00:54:36,919 OF OUR PLANNED "ACTIVITIES", OKAY? 1438 00:54:36,921 --> 00:54:38,820 - AND IF EVEN FINDS OUT ANYTHING... - NO LIMITS. 1439 00:54:38,822 --> 00:54:42,624 - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. - NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE. 1440 00:54:42,626 --> 00:54:46,928 OUR MAN ALLAN HAS TWO MAGICAL DAYS TO DO 1441 00:54:46,930 --> 00:54:49,966 WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS AND, YOU AND ME, WE'RE GONNA BE 1442 00:54:49,968 --> 00:54:52,200 SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, GODDAMN IT, AND WE ARE GONNA HUMOR HIM, 1443 00:54:52,202 --> 00:54:54,704 NO MATTER HOW DEPRAVED HIS ASS IS. 1444 00:54:56,541 --> 00:54:58,073 ANY MINUTE NOW... 1445 00:54:59,977 --> 00:55:00,977 OH! 1446 00:55:00,979 --> 00:55:02,010 SIT. 1447 00:55:02,012 --> 00:55:03,178 CLOSE YOUR EYES. 1448 00:55:03,180 --> 00:55:04,814 I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! 1449 00:55:04,816 --> 00:55:07,249 CLOSE YOUR EYES. 1450 00:55:07,251 --> 00:55:09,151 I JUST SHOULDN'T BE HERE, I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE RIGHT NOW. 1451 00:55:09,153 --> 00:55:10,952 HEY, COME ON IN. GOD. 1452 00:55:10,954 --> 00:55:11,954 IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. 1453 00:55:11,956 --> 00:55:13,021 THIS IS... 1454 00:55:13,023 --> 00:55:14,624 - YOU HAVE NO IDEA. - UM... 1455 00:55:14,626 --> 00:55:16,057 HERE YOU GO, KEEP THE CHANGE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1456 00:55:16,059 --> 00:55:18,995 - THAT'S A DUDE. - YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, COME ON. 1457 00:55:18,997 --> 00:55:21,062 HEY, WHAT'S IN THOSE BOXES? ARE THOSE PIES? 1458 00:55:21,064 --> 00:55:24,066 I GOT ONE OF EVERY FLAVOR. 1459 00:55:24,068 --> 00:55:25,800 NO, UM... 1460 00:55:25,802 --> 00:55:27,769 HERE YOU GO. YEP. 1461 00:55:27,771 --> 00:55:30,907 YEAH, THIS IS COOL, BUT WHAT HAPPENS AFTER? WHAT'S NEXT? 1462 00:55:30,909 --> 00:55:35,611 UH, NEXT WE EAT, WE EAT THE PIE... 1463 00:55:35,613 --> 00:55:36,945 WE DRINK BEER, 1464 00:55:36,947 --> 00:55:37,979 AND WE WATCH SPORTS, 1465 00:55:37,981 --> 00:55:39,849 UNINTERRUPTED. 1466 00:55:39,851 --> 00:55:42,785 THAT IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE. 1467 00:55:42,787 --> 00:55:45,120 WAIT, SO YOU WANT US TO JUST SIT HERE ALL DAY 1468 00:55:45,122 --> 00:55:46,655 EAT PIES AND... 1469 00:55:46,657 --> 00:55:48,658 - AND WATCH SPORTS? - YEAH, YEAH. 1470 00:55:48,660 --> 00:55:50,926 MAYBE, MAYBE, UM, MAYBE EVEN TAKE A NAP LATER. 1471 00:55:50,928 --> 00:55:52,794 NAP? 1472 00:55:52,796 --> 00:55:54,262 MM! 1473 00:55:54,264 --> 00:55:55,898 MAN, YOU GOT A RHUBARB PIE? 1474 00:55:55,900 --> 00:55:57,166 MM-HMM. MM, SO GOOD. 1475 00:55:57,168 --> 00:55:58,200 - WHERE? - RIGHT THERE. 1476 00:55:58,202 --> 00:55:59,936 I GOT BANANA CREAM FILLED. 1477 00:55:59,938 --> 00:56:01,570 BANANA CREAM. 1478 00:56:01,572 --> 00:56:03,271 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SEE, THIS IS ALL WRONG. 1479 00:56:05,209 --> 00:56:07,343 HIPSTER BAKER BOY WITH FUCKING PIES? 1480 00:56:07,345 --> 00:56:11,180 SPECIAL, LIKE, THAT'S YOUR SPECIAL DELIVERY? 1481 00:56:11,182 --> 00:56:13,816 NO, W-WHAT ABOUT ESCORTS, 1482 00:56:13,818 --> 00:56:16,251 AND STRIPPERS AND-AND COCAINE? 1483 00:56:16,253 --> 00:56:18,653 - SOMEBODY'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY MOVIES. - HA! 1484 00:56:18,655 --> 00:56:21,791 THIS, PHIL, IS WHAT I DREAM OF. 1485 00:56:21,793 --> 00:56:24,026 I DON'T GET TO CHILL OUT IN THE HOUSE EVER! 1486 00:56:24,028 --> 00:56:25,794 WATCH SPORTS. 1487 00:56:25,796 --> 00:56:27,062 I NEVER GET PIE. 1488 00:56:27,064 --> 00:56:29,332 THEY ALWAYS WANT BROWNIES, ICE CREAM. 1489 00:56:29,334 --> 00:56:30,966 I LOVE PIE! 1490 00:56:30,968 --> 00:56:32,968 - HALLELUJAH. - THIS IS THEM WINNING. 1491 00:56:32,970 --> 00:56:35,671 LOOK, DON'T YOU SEE THAT? 1492 00:56:35,673 --> 00:56:37,840 MARIA'S GOT YOU SO UNDER HER THUMB, 1493 00:56:37,842 --> 00:56:40,075 YOU WOULDN'T EVEN DREAM OF DOING THE SLIGHTEST THING THAT WOULD OFFEND HER. 1494 00:56:40,077 --> 00:56:42,178 THAT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL. 1495 00:56:42,180 --> 00:56:44,012 I DREAM OF CRAZY SHIT ALL THE TIME. 1496 00:56:44,014 --> 00:56:46,282 I DREAM OF STUFF SO... SO FRACTURED, 1497 00:56:46,284 --> 00:56:50,986 AND BENT, AND-AND FREAKY THAT, I MEAN, SHE'D DIVORCE ME IF SHE EVER KNEW. 1498 00:56:50,988 --> 00:56:53,189 ISN'T THAT WHAT THE POINT OF THIS FUCKING RUMSPRINGA IS? 1499 00:56:53,191 --> 00:56:55,191 TO NOT KILL THE DREAM? 1500 00:56:55,193 --> 00:56:58,928 TO ACTUALLY DO SOME SHIT THAT COULD GET YOUR ASS DIVORCED? 1501 00:56:58,930 --> 00:57:00,629 MM-MM. 1502 00:57:00,631 --> 00:57:03,265 NOT HIDE OUT, EATING PIE, 1503 00:57:03,267 --> 00:57:05,166 STUFFING YOUR FACE, SCARED OF WHAT THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER. 1504 00:57:05,168 --> 00:57:07,403 YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MAN. I THINK YOU'RE SCARED. 1505 00:57:07,405 --> 00:57:09,405 I'M NOT SCARED, SO... 1506 00:57:09,407 --> 00:57:11,407 I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY SITTING HERE AND EATING PIE. 1507 00:57:11,409 --> 00:57:13,274 - SHUT UP. - LISTEN, 1508 00:57:13,276 --> 00:57:15,144 YOU THINK OF SOMETHING WE SHOULD BE DOING, WE'LL GO DO THAT. 1509 00:57:15,146 --> 00:57:16,646 WAIT, WAIT, WHOA, YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM PICK? 1510 00:57:16,648 --> 00:57:18,280 - YOU SURE ABOUT THAT, ALLAN? - YEAH. 1511 00:57:18,282 --> 00:57:19,948 NO, I MEAN, GIVE ME A COUPLE OPTIONS... 1512 00:57:19,950 --> 00:57:23,119 TOO LATE! MOTHERFUCKER, TOO LATE. 1513 00:57:23,121 --> 00:57:25,220 - OH, JESUS CHRIST. - WE'RE GONNA PUT 1514 00:57:25,222 --> 00:57:28,890 SOME HAIR ON THEM NUTS TONIGHT, GODDAMN IT. 1515 00:57:28,892 --> 00:57:31,327 ALL RIGHT, CAN I JUST FINISH MY PIE, MAN? 1516 00:57:31,329 --> 00:57:33,294 YOU MADE ME SO HAPPY WITH THIS PIE. 1517 00:57:33,296 --> 00:57:34,963 FUCK THE PIE. 1518 00:57:34,965 --> 00:57:37,099 DON'T FUCK THE PIE, 1519 00:57:37,101 --> 00:57:38,667 BUT LET'S EAT IT AND BE DONE. 1520 00:57:38,669 --> 00:57:41,137 - COME ON. - THANK YOU. JESUS. 1521 00:57:41,139 --> 00:57:43,338 - MM. - ALL RIGHT, MEN, CHECKLIST. 1522 00:57:43,340 --> 00:57:45,240 - CASH. BOOZE. - CHECK. CHECK. 1523 00:57:45,242 --> 00:57:47,242 - SPARE DRAWERS. RUBBERS. - GOT 'EM. WAIT, WHAT? 1524 00:57:47,244 --> 00:57:49,144 HEY, MAN, LIKE A GUN, BETTER TO HAVE AND NOT NEED 1525 00:57:49,146 --> 00:57:51,379 - THAN NEED AND NOT HAVE. - WHOO! WE'RE DOING IT. 1526 00:57:51,381 --> 00:57:54,950 LOOK, IF EVE SMELLS ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS, SHE'S GONNA REVOKE ALL MY PRIVILEGES. 1527 00:57:54,952 --> 00:57:56,385 NO, WE'RE STRICTLY GOING JASON BOURNE. 1528 00:57:56,387 --> 00:57:57,986 ONLY PAY CASH, MONITOR ALL CELL USAGE... 1529 00:57:57,988 --> 00:58:00,055 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP. AH, SHIT. 1530 00:58:00,057 --> 00:58:03,858 WE CAN'T TAKE MY CAR, MAN, EVE PUT A SECRET TRACKING DEVICE IN THERE. 1531 00:58:03,860 --> 00:58:05,162 DAISY DID THE SAME THING TO ME. 1532 00:58:06,764 --> 00:58:08,763 DADS... 1533 00:58:08,765 --> 00:58:11,834 - OH, HELL NO. - PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE KIDDING ABOUT THAT. 1534 00:58:11,836 --> 00:58:14,437 I HATE THIS PIECE OF SHIT MORE THAN I'VE EVER HATED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE, 1535 00:58:14,439 --> 00:58:16,372 BUT IT'S ALL WE GOT. 1536 00:58:16,374 --> 00:58:17,872 IT'S OUR RUMSPRINGA MOBILE. 1537 00:58:17,874 --> 00:58:20,843 WELL, LOOK, I'LL SAY THIS, I MEAN, I GUESS 1538 00:58:20,845 --> 00:58:23,211 YOU CAN'T REALLY GET ANY MORE UNDER THE RADAR THAN THAT THING, HUH? 1539 00:58:23,213 --> 00:58:25,715 - RIGHT? - ALL I'M SAYING IS, I BETTER NOT BE ON FACEBOOK IN THIS BITCH. 1540 00:58:25,717 --> 00:58:27,783 WHAT HAPPENS ON MY RUMSPRINGA, 1541 00:58:27,785 --> 00:58:29,154 STAYS ON MY RUMSPRINGA. 1542 00:58:30,755 --> 00:58:32,387 IN YOU GO. 1543 00:58:39,363 --> 00:58:41,062 AND HERE WE GO. 1544 00:58:41,064 --> 00:58:43,865 - THERE IT IS. - LITTLE PIECE OF HEAVEN. 1545 00:58:43,867 --> 00:58:45,367 THIS IS SO GREAT. 1546 00:58:45,369 --> 00:58:46,936 CAN'T BE HYGIENIC. 1547 00:58:46,938 --> 00:58:49,238 IT'S A RUB AND TUG, NOT A DENTAL CLEANING. 1548 00:58:49,240 --> 00:58:50,773 I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER HAD 1549 00:58:50,775 --> 00:58:52,341 - ONE OF THESE BEFORE. - I ALWAYS THOUGHT 1550 00:58:52,343 --> 00:58:54,943 THESE WERE FOR DESPERATE, HORNY MEN. 1551 00:58:54,945 --> 00:58:56,979 MAN, IT'S BEEN SO LONG. 1552 00:58:56,981 --> 00:59:00,182 NOW, WHEN YOU GO IN, AND THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, 1553 00:59:00,184 --> 00:59:02,917 - THEY'RE GONNA ASK IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. - MM-HMM. 1554 00:59:02,919 --> 00:59:04,120 YOU SAY, "YES, OF COURSE." 1555 00:59:04,122 --> 00:59:05,954 - OF COURSE. - THEN YOU ASK FOR WANG. 1556 00:59:05,956 --> 00:59:07,923 - WHO'S WANG? - MY BUDDY WHO COMES HERE ALL THE TIME 1557 00:59:07,925 --> 00:59:09,758 SAYS WANG IS THE BEST. 1558 00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:12,193 ALSO, MAKE SURE YOU ASK FOR THE WORKS. 1559 00:59:12,195 --> 00:59:14,229 WAIT, WAIT, YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE? 1560 00:59:14,231 --> 00:59:17,032 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, THAT... THAT'S JUST... THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. 1561 00:59:17,034 --> 00:59:18,267 - MM. - ALL RIGHT, SO, 1562 00:59:18,269 --> 00:59:20,301 IT'S $40 FOR THE RUB, $60 FOR THE TIP. 1563 00:59:20,303 --> 00:59:22,004 SO $60, $60 FOR THE TIP? 1564 00:59:22,006 --> 00:59:23,004 OKAY. NO, GOOD CALL. 1565 00:59:23,006 --> 00:59:25,407 LET'S MAKE IT $80. 1566 00:59:25,409 --> 00:59:26,408 ALL RIGHT. 1567 00:59:26,410 --> 00:59:27,408 YOU READY, BUDDY? 1568 00:59:27,410 --> 00:59:29,512 I AM ABOUT TO GET JERKED OFF 1569 00:59:29,514 --> 00:59:33,115 BY A COMPLETE STRANGER NAMED WANG. 1570 00:59:33,117 --> 00:59:34,983 AND, GODDAMN IT, I'M GONNA ENJOY IT. 1571 00:59:34,985 --> 00:59:36,117 ATTA BOY. 1572 00:59:37,421 --> 00:59:39,024 THERE YOU GO, BUDDY. HIT IT! 1573 00:59:42,126 --> 00:59:43,959 THERE HE GOES. 1574 00:59:43,961 --> 00:59:45,995 KIND OF BEAUTIFUL. 1575 00:59:45,997 --> 00:59:48,164 IT IS. IT IS IN A WAY. 1576 00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:50,231 A MAN BEING SET FREE. 1577 00:59:50,233 --> 00:59:52,267 PENIS ABOUT TO GET RUBBED. 1578 00:59:56,974 --> 00:59:58,173 HELLO. 1579 00:59:58,175 --> 01:00:00,242 GOOD AFTERNOON, HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? 1580 01:00:00,244 --> 01:00:01,577 I'M-I'M ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 1581 01:00:01,579 --> 01:00:04,847 I'VE HAD A, I'VE HAD AN INTERESTING DAY. 1582 01:00:04,849 --> 01:00:06,849 AND, UH, WELL, WEEK, REALLY. 1583 01:00:06,851 --> 01:00:08,350 BUT I'M FINE. 1584 01:00:08,352 --> 01:00:09,852 I'M FINE AND EVERYTHING IS, 1585 01:00:09,854 --> 01:00:11,253 EVERYTHING IS FINE. I'M HERE NOW 1586 01:00:11,255 --> 01:00:13,923 AND IT... I'M VERY, VERY HAPPY TO BE... HERE. 1587 01:00:13,925 --> 01:00:15,090 HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE? 1588 01:00:15,092 --> 01:00:16,325 YES. 1589 01:00:16,327 --> 01:00:18,126 YES, I HAVE, MANY TIMES, ACTUALLY. 1590 01:00:18,128 --> 01:00:20,396 I-I WOULD LIKE A MASSAGE FROM WANG. 1591 01:00:20,398 --> 01:00:22,965 WANG IS THE BEST, ISN'T SHE? 1592 01:00:22,967 --> 01:00:25,968 WANG... ALL THE WAY. 1593 01:00:25,970 --> 01:00:27,570 WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE? 1594 01:00:27,572 --> 01:00:30,372 A, UH, BACK RUB, FULL BODY, 1595 01:00:30,374 --> 01:00:32,608 DEEP TISSUE, OR...? 1596 01:00:32,610 --> 01:00:34,577 UM, NO I THINK... 1597 01:00:34,579 --> 01:00:36,044 THE-THE WORKS. 1598 01:00:36,046 --> 01:00:37,046 - I'M SORRY? - THE WORKS, THE WORKS. 1599 01:00:37,048 --> 01:00:38,046 THE WORKS. 1600 01:00:38,048 --> 01:00:40,349 ARE YOU SURE? 1601 01:00:40,351 --> 01:00:41,883 YEAH, YEAH. 1602 01:00:41,885 --> 01:00:43,251 OKAY. 1603 01:00:43,253 --> 01:00:44,285 WELL, THEN... 1604 01:00:44,287 --> 01:00:45,287 THE WORKS IT IS. 1605 01:00:45,289 --> 01:00:47,523 WANG! 1606 01:00:54,932 --> 01:00:56,999 - YES. - UH, OH, YEAH, OKAY. 1607 01:00:57,001 --> 01:00:58,069 THAT'S... THANK YOU. 1608 01:01:04,441 --> 01:01:06,108 OH, WOW, YES, THANK YOU. 1609 01:01:06,110 --> 01:01:07,609 OH, THAT'S AMAZING. CAN I WEAR THAT? 1610 01:01:07,611 --> 01:01:10,245 CAN I PUT THAT ON? NO, OKAY. 1611 01:01:10,247 --> 01:01:12,146 YOU ARE STUNNING. 1612 01:01:12,148 --> 01:01:13,448 LAY ON THE BED? LAY IN THE BED? OKAY. 1613 01:01:13,450 --> 01:01:15,517 UH, NO, NO, NO BED. 1614 01:01:15,519 --> 01:01:16,919 TO... BREATHE. 1615 01:01:16,921 --> 01:01:18,519 OKAY. 1616 01:01:18,521 --> 01:01:20,555 OH, THE SHIRT, THE CLOTHING, CLOTHING, TAKE CLOTHING OFF. 1617 01:01:20,557 --> 01:01:22,390 YES. OKAY. 1618 01:01:22,392 --> 01:01:24,260 THERE WE GO. JUST EVERYTHING? 1619 01:01:24,262 --> 01:01:27,528 DO, DO EVERYTHING? AND... MY UNDERWEAR, TOO? OKAY. 1620 01:01:27,530 --> 01:01:28,530 I'M SO SORRY. 1621 01:01:28,532 --> 01:01:30,499 I... 1622 01:01:30,501 --> 01:01:32,568 YOU CAN PROBABLY TELL, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. 1623 01:01:32,570 --> 01:01:34,669 SORRY ABOUT THAT, I DON'T NORMALLY LIE, 1624 01:01:34,671 --> 01:01:36,271 BUT, UH... 1625 01:01:36,273 --> 01:01:37,273 I WAS A LITTLE CONFUSED. 1626 01:01:37,275 --> 01:01:39,975 LAY DOWN, OKAY. 1627 01:01:39,977 --> 01:01:42,244 I'M SO SORRY. SERIOUSLY, I THINK IT'S... 1628 01:01:42,246 --> 01:01:43,678 I DON'T KNOW, THE JASMINE OR SOMETHING. 1629 01:01:43,680 --> 01:01:45,146 WHERE ARE YOU FROM? 1630 01:01:45,148 --> 01:01:48,383 WANG IS, WANG IS A BEAUTIFUL NAME. I... 1631 01:01:48,385 --> 01:01:49,385 THANK YOU, BABY. 1632 01:01:51,588 --> 01:01:53,421 WAIT, WHAT-WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER GIRL? 1633 01:01:54,425 --> 01:01:55,990 DOES THAT HURT? 1634 01:01:55,992 --> 01:01:57,059 YOU LIKE IT WHEN IT'S ROUGH, 1635 01:01:57,061 --> 01:01:58,359 - DON'T YOU? - OH! 1636 01:01:58,361 --> 01:01:59,628 YEAH, THAT HURTS. 1637 01:01:59,630 --> 01:02:00,629 WHY DON'T YOU JUST RELAX... 1638 01:02:00,631 --> 01:02:02,631 YOUR LITTLE BODY 1639 01:02:02,633 --> 01:02:04,700 AND LET WANG DO HER... 1640 01:02:04,702 --> 01:02:06,068 - THING! - OH! 1641 01:02:06,070 --> 01:02:07,336 DO I HAVE A CHOICE? 1642 01:02:07,338 --> 01:02:08,970 I SAID, SHUT UP AND ENJOY! 1643 01:02:11,508 --> 01:02:13,041 WHOA! GOD! 1644 01:02:13,043 --> 01:02:15,244 YEAH, HEY! WE FOUND YOUR BALLS. 1645 01:02:15,246 --> 01:02:17,379 - DR. KEN. - SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO GIVE THEM A GOOD, HARD YANK. 1646 01:02:17,381 --> 01:02:19,180 TURNS OUT I DIDN'T NEED THEM, 1647 01:02:19,182 --> 01:02:21,050 - BUT KEEP THEM CLOSE JUST IN CASE. - DR. KEN... 1648 01:02:21,052 --> 01:02:23,352 REMEMBER WHEN YOU SAID I COULD CHANGE MY MIND AT ANY TIME? 1649 01:02:23,354 --> 01:02:25,586 THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOUR GOLLY WHOPPER. YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY. 1650 01:02:25,588 --> 01:02:26,955 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 1651 01:02:26,957 --> 01:02:28,289 - BOING. - OH, MY GOD! 1652 01:02:28,291 --> 01:02:29,624 OH, COME ON, WE'VE ALL SEEN AN ERECTION. 1653 01:02:29,626 --> 01:02:32,061 WELL, MAYBE NOT HER. 1654 01:02:32,063 --> 01:02:34,095 ESPECIALLY ON GUYS LIKE YOU WITH LIMITED SEXUAL ACTIVITY. 1655 01:02:34,097 --> 01:02:36,664 I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY YOU EVEN NEED A VASECTOMY. 1656 01:02:36,666 --> 01:02:38,100 - DO YOU EVEN HAVE SEX? - NO. 1657 01:02:38,102 --> 01:02:40,135 YES! IT DOESN'T MATTER. 1658 01:02:40,137 --> 01:02:42,338 LISTEN, I WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND, OKAY? I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. 1659 01:02:42,340 --> 01:02:44,173 ALLAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING A MINUTE AGO 1660 01:02:44,175 --> 01:02:45,573 BEFORE SHORTY HERE STARTED CUTTING. 1661 01:02:45,575 --> 01:02:47,108 - HOW'D THE FIRST INCISION GO? - NO, NO. 1662 01:02:47,110 --> 01:02:49,477 - UM, I THINK IT'LL HEAL OKAY. - GAUZE. 1663 01:02:49,479 --> 01:02:51,479 - GOD, IT'S NOT HAPPENING. IT'S NOT HAPPENING! - OH, OH. 1664 01:02:51,481 --> 01:02:53,082 - LOOK AT THAT. COME ON! OH! - NO! WHAT IS THAT? 1665 01:02:53,084 --> 01:02:54,283 - PUT IT BACK, PUT IT BACK! - YOUR MANHOOD. 1666 01:02:54,285 --> 01:02:56,318 - WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP. - I WANT YOU TO BE VERY STILL 1667 01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:59,488 'CAUSE I'M GONNA CUT THIS. OKAY, DON'T MOVE. 1668 01:02:59,490 --> 01:03:01,090 - UM... - DON'T MOVE, ALLAN. 1669 01:03:01,092 --> 01:03:02,291 - DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE. - PLEASE! 1670 01:03:02,293 --> 01:03:03,725 - DON'T MOVE. DON'T MOVE! - PLEASE, NO! 1671 01:03:03,727 --> 01:03:04,760 GODDAMN IT, ALLAN! 1672 01:03:06,463 --> 01:03:07,762 MY WIFE! 1673 01:03:07,764 --> 01:03:09,765 FUCK DR. KEN. 1674 01:03:09,767 --> 01:03:12,300 OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY, I MUST'VE... 1675 01:03:12,302 --> 01:03:15,303 - I MUST'VE DOZED OFF. - YOU ARE SO STRESSED OUT. 1676 01:03:15,305 --> 01:03:17,573 - THAT CAN'T BE GOOD FOR YOUR BODY. - I THINK IF I JUST... 1677 01:03:17,575 --> 01:03:20,008 - WHY DON'T YOU JUST LAY BACK, - I'LL JUST LAY DOWN, I THINK, FOR A MINUTE. 1678 01:03:20,010 --> 01:03:22,044 JUST LAY BACK AND SHOW ME YOUR LITTLE SOLDIER. 1679 01:03:22,046 --> 01:03:23,345 OKAY... 1680 01:03:24,648 --> 01:03:26,080 NO, NO. 1681 01:03:31,722 --> 01:03:33,088 WHOO! 1682 01:03:33,090 --> 01:03:35,591 YOU'RE A FUNNY MAN, I LIKE YOU. 1683 01:03:35,593 --> 01:03:37,225 YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE THE USUAL PERVERTS 1684 01:03:37,227 --> 01:03:39,260 THAT I JERK OFF. 1685 01:03:39,262 --> 01:03:41,597 WOW. WHOA, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 1686 01:03:41,599 --> 01:03:43,265 NO, NO, THAT'S-THAT'S A COMPLIMENT. 1687 01:03:43,267 --> 01:03:45,166 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1688 01:03:45,168 --> 01:03:46,769 I... THAT MEANS A LOT, THAT MEANS A LOT. 1689 01:03:46,771 --> 01:03:48,504 AND I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, 1690 01:03:48,506 --> 01:03:51,106 BUT IT'S JUST WITH THE MINIVAN, 1691 01:03:51,108 --> 01:03:53,608 AND THE VASECTOMY, 1692 01:03:53,610 --> 01:03:55,510 - I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT. - IT'S OKAY. 1693 01:03:55,512 --> 01:03:57,146 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 1694 01:03:57,148 --> 01:03:59,080 WE'RE ALL GOING THROUGH OUR OWN SHIT. 1695 01:03:59,082 --> 01:04:01,182 BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE WORKS. 1696 01:04:01,184 --> 01:04:02,517 - NO, OF COURSE. - NO REFUNDS. 1697 01:04:02,519 --> 01:04:04,285 OH, I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT. 1698 01:04:04,287 --> 01:04:06,155 - WHAT IS THE WORKS, ANYWAY? - OH. 1699 01:04:06,157 --> 01:04:08,524 WELL, FIRST, THERE'S A... LITTLE JERKY-JERKY 1700 01:04:08,526 --> 01:04:10,526 AS A TEASE. 1701 01:04:10,528 --> 01:04:11,526 AND THEN, I... 1702 01:04:11,528 --> 01:04:12,561 OH. 1703 01:04:12,563 --> 01:04:14,262 I RUB MY BODY ALL OVER YOU. 1704 01:04:14,264 --> 01:04:15,696 OF COURSE YOU DO. YES 1705 01:04:15,698 --> 01:04:16,832 AND THEN I TAKE THESE TWO FINGERS 1706 01:04:16,834 --> 01:04:18,332 AND I.. 1707 01:04:18,334 --> 01:04:20,535 WHOO! WHY DON'T WE DO THAT SHIT EVERY DAY? 1708 01:04:20,537 --> 01:04:22,537 MAN, I TOLD YOU TO GET THE WORKS. 1709 01:04:22,539 --> 01:04:25,106 I MEAN, IT SNEAKS UP ON YOU, BUT WOW. 1710 01:04:25,108 --> 01:04:26,742 - WAS WANG THE SHIT OR WAS WANG THE SHIT? - OH. 1711 01:04:26,744 --> 01:04:28,477 WANG WAS THE SHIT. 1712 01:04:28,479 --> 01:04:30,245 MAN, I'M TELLING YOU, IF EVE KNEW I WAS DOING THIS, 1713 01:04:30,247 --> 01:04:32,314 SHE WOULD DISMEMBER ME. 1714 01:04:32,316 --> 01:04:33,782 - WHAT'S NEXT? - HEY, WAIT, 1715 01:04:33,784 --> 01:04:35,249 YOU'RE THE GUY WITH THE GREAT IDEAS. 1716 01:04:35,251 --> 01:04:36,684 WHAT-WHAT-WHAT DO YOU GOT? 1717 01:04:36,686 --> 01:04:38,519 RUMSPRINGA, MOTHERFUCKERS! 1718 01:04:38,521 --> 01:04:40,257 YEAH. 1719 01:04:43,626 --> 01:04:45,260 - YEAH! - WHOA, SEATBELT. 1720 01:04:45,262 --> 01:04:46,260 LET'S HIT IT! 1721 01:04:48,666 --> 01:04:50,566 WHOO-HOO! 1722 01:04:50,568 --> 01:04:51,733 ALL RIGHT, WHERE AM I GOING? 1723 01:04:51,735 --> 01:04:54,135 MAKE A... RIGHT AT THE NEXT LIGHT. 1724 01:04:54,137 --> 01:04:56,738 - OKAY. - MY MAN TOLD ME ABOUT A SPOT WHERE WE COULD GET SOME COKE. 1725 01:04:56,740 --> 01:04:58,207 - WHOA, GOD. - NO, MAN. 1726 01:04:58,209 --> 01:04:59,541 WHAT IS THIS, "MIAMI VICE"? 1727 01:04:59,543 --> 01:05:01,443 - I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL. - ALL RIGHT. 1728 01:05:01,445 --> 01:05:02,845 UH, MEDICAL MARIJUANA. 1729 01:05:02,847 --> 01:05:04,512 - OKAY. - THAT'S US. 1730 01:05:04,514 --> 01:05:05,881 IS THERE ANY QUALIFYING 1731 01:05:05,883 --> 01:05:08,316 MEDICAL CONDITIONS I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT? 1732 01:05:08,318 --> 01:05:10,151 I GET SPASMS... 1733 01:05:10,153 --> 01:05:11,887 IN MY PENIS. 1734 01:05:11,889 --> 01:05:13,354 AT THE WORST TIMES. 1735 01:05:13,356 --> 01:05:15,591 I BOUGHT INTO THE WHOLE 3D TV THING 1736 01:05:15,593 --> 01:05:17,291 AND I THINK IT'S JUST FUCKED ME ALL UP. 1737 01:05:17,293 --> 01:05:19,163 LIKE THE WORLD LOOKS 2D. 1738 01:05:20,530 --> 01:05:22,263 I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, WE'RE JUST... 1739 01:05:22,265 --> 01:05:23,599 WE'RE JUST TRYING TO... TO BUY WEED 1740 01:05:23,601 --> 01:05:25,700 - IS THAT...? - I NEED A MEDICAL CONDITION. 1741 01:05:26,803 --> 01:05:28,570 I HAVE A LOT OF PAIN IN MY ANUS. 1742 01:05:28,572 --> 01:05:29,805 I THINK IT'S GLAUCOMA. 1743 01:05:29,807 --> 01:05:31,506 I'M A FATHER. 1744 01:05:31,508 --> 01:05:33,341 YEAH, THAT QUALIFIES. 1745 01:05:33,343 --> 01:05:35,343 - THIS IS SO GOOD. - FUCKING AMAZING. 1746 01:05:35,345 --> 01:05:37,312 WE BOUGHT THIS AT A STORE. 1747 01:05:37,314 --> 01:05:38,613 - YOU WALKED THROUGH A STORE... - JUST WALKED IN. 1748 01:05:38,615 --> 01:05:39,881 - THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. - ...AND BOUGHT IT 1749 01:05:39,883 --> 01:05:41,550 "COULD I HAVE A CUPCAKE AND SOME POT?" 1750 01:05:46,389 --> 01:05:47,689 AMERICA, BITCHES. 1751 01:05:47,691 --> 01:05:48,890 AMERICA! 1752 01:05:48,892 --> 01:05:52,561 I LOVE DRUGS! 1753 01:05:52,563 --> 01:05:53,928 - OH, SHIT. - DAD! 1754 01:05:53,930 --> 01:05:57,533 - DAD! COME HERE. - IT'S LIKE A FAMILY. OH, SHIT. 1755 01:05:57,535 --> 01:05:59,501 - COME TO US! - WALK TO THE LIGHT, BROTHER. 1756 01:05:59,503 --> 01:06:00,702 WALK TO THE LIGHT. 1757 01:06:00,704 --> 01:06:02,905 FUCK IT, WE TRIED. 1758 01:06:02,907 --> 01:06:04,705 THAT'S LIKE A TIME MACHINE VERSION OF US, 1759 01:06:04,707 --> 01:06:06,408 - LIKE YESTERDAY. - WE TRIED. 1760 01:06:06,410 --> 01:06:08,510 OH, YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT? 1761 01:06:08,512 --> 01:06:09,878 YOU DON'T NEED YOUR VEGETABLES? 1762 01:06:09,880 --> 01:06:11,847 YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. 1763 01:06:11,849 --> 01:06:13,182 I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. 1764 01:06:13,184 --> 01:06:15,617 THE NAME'S BOND... 1765 01:06:15,619 --> 01:06:16,818 DARNELL BOND. 1766 01:06:16,820 --> 01:06:18,352 OH... 1767 01:06:18,354 --> 01:06:19,620 SHIT. 1768 01:06:19,622 --> 01:06:20,655 GET YOUR LIGHTERS OUT, PEOPLE. YEAH. 1769 01:06:20,657 --> 01:06:21,990 - YES, SIR. - WHOO! 1770 01:06:21,992 --> 01:06:24,292 - HEY, SWEETIE, HI! YEAH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. - I CAN'T HEAR YOU. 1771 01:06:24,294 --> 01:06:26,861 - I MISS YOU SO MUCH. - OH, I SOUND GOOD? 1772 01:06:26,863 --> 01:06:29,398 I DON'T KNOW, I THINK I JUST GOT BAD RECEPTION. 1773 01:06:31,936 --> 01:06:34,202 THIS FEELS REALLY GOOD. IS THAT WEIRD? 1774 01:06:37,608 --> 01:06:39,575 YOU GUYS... 1775 01:06:39,577 --> 01:06:41,410 - HEY. - OH, LOOK AT HIM GO! 1776 01:06:45,349 --> 01:06:47,249 GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP! OH! 1777 01:06:47,251 --> 01:06:48,916 OH, SHIT, SORRY. 1778 01:06:53,691 --> 01:06:54,990 HEY. 1779 01:06:54,992 --> 01:06:58,526 YO, GUYS, YOU GOT TO GET OFF THE STAGE. 1780 01:06:58,528 --> 01:07:01,629 FUCK YOU! 1781 01:07:01,631 --> 01:07:04,899 OUR WIVES AND KIDS ARE OUT AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT! 1782 01:07:04,901 --> 01:07:06,637 - UH! - WE EARNED THIS SHIT! 1783 01:07:10,840 --> 01:07:12,541 I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY. SORRY. 1784 01:07:12,543 --> 01:07:13,908 YOU KNOW, WE ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT 1785 01:07:13,910 --> 01:07:15,477 HOW TO SURVIVE MARRIAGE 1786 01:07:15,479 --> 01:07:16,678 SO WE DON'T GO COMPLETELY CRAZY. 1787 01:07:16,680 --> 01:07:18,479 BUT WHY NOT? 1788 01:07:18,481 --> 01:07:21,383 SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD TO GO A LITTLE CRAZY EVERY NOW AND THEN. 1789 01:07:21,385 --> 01:07:23,385 YES, YES, IT'S LIKE WHAT DO THEY THINK WE'RE GONNA DO? 1790 01:07:23,387 --> 01:07:24,785 WE'RE GONNA BE OUT THERE SHOOTING HEROIN, 1791 01:07:24,787 --> 01:07:26,354 AND, UH, SCREWING EVERYTHING THAT MOVES? 1792 01:07:26,356 --> 01:07:27,588 WE'RE MEN, GODDAMN IT. 1793 01:07:27,590 --> 01:07:29,658 WE'RE-WE'RE MORE THAN JUST JAR OPENERS 1794 01:07:29,660 --> 01:07:33,662 AND BED WARMERS, WE DEMAND RESPECT, AND SEX. 1795 01:07:33,664 --> 01:07:37,332 - MORE SEX. HOT DAMN. - YEAH. A VASECTOMY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL. 1796 01:07:37,334 --> 01:07:39,401 - GOD, COME ON, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT THAT BAD. - NO. UH-UH. MM-MM. 1797 01:07:39,403 --> 01:07:41,570 NOT TONIGHT, NOT EVER. 1798 01:07:41,572 --> 01:07:43,537 GENTLEMEN, COURTESY OF TABLE FIVE. 1799 01:07:43,539 --> 01:07:45,606 OH. THAT'S FREE DRINKS? 1800 01:07:45,608 --> 01:07:47,041 - EXCELLENT. - THREE LADIES RIGHT OVER THERE. 1801 01:07:47,043 --> 01:07:49,044 - GOOD LUCK. - WHAT'D HE SAY? 1802 01:07:49,046 --> 01:07:52,914 - OH, SHIT. - OKAY. 1803 01:07:52,916 --> 01:07:55,916 - THAT'S CUTE. - THEY WANT OUR DAD BODS. 1804 01:07:55,918 --> 01:07:57,852 THAT'S CRAZY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. I MEAN, DID YOU SEE THESE WOMEN? 1805 01:07:57,854 --> 01:07:59,053 THEY'RE NOT A DAY OVER 30. 1806 01:07:59,055 --> 01:08:01,890 - THANK YOU. - LET'S INVITE THEM OVER. 1807 01:08:01,892 --> 01:08:03,858 - NO! NO, NO, BAD IDEA. - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 1808 01:08:03,860 --> 01:08:05,693 WHAT ARE YOU... STOP IT! OH, GOD. 1809 01:08:05,695 --> 01:08:08,530 I'M SWEATING ALREADY. I HAVEN'T TALKED TO A NON-MOM IN YEARS. 1810 01:08:08,532 --> 01:08:10,032 DON'T YOU DARE FUCK THIS UP FOR US. 1811 01:08:10,034 --> 01:08:11,966 THESE GIRLS ARE FINE AS SHIT. 1812 01:08:11,968 --> 01:08:14,035 - AND THEY'VE BEEN DRINKING. - RELAX, THEY'RE NOT COMING OVER. 1813 01:08:14,037 --> 01:08:16,037 THEY DON'T WANT TO SIT WITH US. I MEAN, WE'RE OLD MEN. 1814 01:08:16,039 --> 01:08:18,039 COME ON, LOOK IT... THEY'RE COMING OVER. 1815 01:08:18,041 --> 01:08:19,074 - THEY'RE COMING OVER. - MOVE THE TABLES. 1816 01:08:19,076 --> 01:08:20,708 I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, MAN. 1817 01:08:20,710 --> 01:08:22,310 WHAT IF, WHAT IF SOMEBODY RECOGNIZES US? 1818 01:08:22,312 --> 01:08:23,511 EVE CAN BE SO VIOLENT. 1819 01:08:23,513 --> 01:08:24,879 YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON HER. 1820 01:08:24,881 --> 01:08:26,648 YEAH, WE'RE JUST HAVING A LITTLE CONVERSATION. 1821 01:08:26,650 --> 01:08:28,850 THAT IS RIGHT. THAT IS ALL WE'RE DOING, 1822 01:08:28,852 --> 01:08:30,785 IS HAVING A LITTLE CONVERSATION... 1823 01:08:30,787 --> 01:08:31,856 FOR NOW. 1824 01:08:33,456 --> 01:08:35,023 LADIES, HELLO. 1825 01:08:35,025 --> 01:08:37,525 - HI. HI. - MY NAME'S PHIL. 1826 01:08:37,527 --> 01:08:39,660 - THIS IS ALLAN. - WELL, HELLO. 1827 01:08:39,662 --> 01:08:41,529 AND THIS IS CAPTAIN MINIVAN. 1828 01:08:41,531 --> 01:08:42,698 NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME. 1829 01:08:42,700 --> 01:08:44,065 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE DRINKS. 1830 01:08:44,067 --> 01:08:45,801 - COME ON, HAVE A SEAT WITH US. - YOU'RE WELCOME. 1831 01:08:45,803 --> 01:08:47,401 - HI. - HI. 1832 01:08:47,403 --> 01:08:49,637 YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME UP THERE. 1833 01:08:49,639 --> 01:08:52,007 - AWESOMELY BAD. - YES. 1834 01:08:52,009 --> 01:08:54,342 YOU LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING FUN 1835 01:08:54,344 --> 01:08:56,544 AND WE COULD USE A LITTLE FUN. 1836 01:08:58,982 --> 01:09:00,849 WELL... 1837 01:09:00,851 --> 01:09:02,684 WELCOME TO THE FUN TABLE. 1838 01:09:04,554 --> 01:09:06,454 UH... 1839 01:09:06,456 --> 01:09:08,856 - HI. - I, UH, 1840 01:09:08,858 --> 01:09:12,127 SHOULD TELL YOU RIGHT NOW THAT I MIGHT SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY STUPID AT ANY TIME. 1841 01:09:12,129 --> 01:09:14,428 IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT LATELY, I DON'T KNOW WHY. 1842 01:09:14,430 --> 01:09:16,030 AND DRINKING. 1843 01:09:16,032 --> 01:09:18,033 - WHAT ARE YOU GUYS CELEBRATING? - UH, I DON'T KNOW... 1844 01:09:18,035 --> 01:09:20,935 ACTUALLY, TODAY IS ALLAN'S BIRTHDAY. 1845 01:09:20,937 --> 01:09:23,137 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 1846 01:09:23,139 --> 01:09:24,840 IT'S NOT, HE KEEPS TELLING PEOPLE THAT, 1847 01:09:24,842 --> 01:09:27,676 BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY, I'M JUST OLD. 1848 01:09:27,678 --> 01:09:30,611 YOU'RE NOT OLD, YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE BIT... MARRIED. 1849 01:09:30,613 --> 01:09:32,814 AH, THE RING. HELLO. 1850 01:09:32,816 --> 01:09:34,548 HAPPILY? 1851 01:09:34,550 --> 01:09:36,016 OH, WELL, 1852 01:09:36,018 --> 01:09:37,552 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 1853 01:09:37,554 --> 01:09:39,587 IT'S A LOADED QUESTION. 1854 01:09:39,589 --> 01:09:41,823 WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE HERE, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. 1855 01:09:41,825 --> 01:09:43,557 WELL, YEAH, I DON'T... NEVER-NEVER GET TO DO THIS, 1856 01:09:43,559 --> 01:09:47,061 SO IT'S REALLY A NEW... YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO BE OUT. 1857 01:09:47,063 --> 01:09:48,562 GOOD COMPANY, SO 1858 01:09:48,564 --> 01:09:49,597 IT'S NICE. 1859 01:09:49,599 --> 01:09:51,766 WIFE KEEPS YOU LOCKED UP, HUH? 1860 01:09:51,768 --> 01:09:54,101 OH, LIFE KEEPS ME LOCKED UP. 1861 01:09:54,103 --> 01:09:56,104 I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY PEOPLE GET MARRIED. 1862 01:09:56,106 --> 01:09:59,874 IT'S ALL THE EXCITEMENT AT FIRST, AND... 1863 01:09:59,876 --> 01:10:01,008 THEN WHAT HAPPENS? 1864 01:10:01,010 --> 01:10:02,944 OH, YOU'RE ASKING ME? 1865 01:10:04,147 --> 01:10:05,513 I'D ONLY CONFUSE YOU FURTHER, 1866 01:10:05,515 --> 01:10:07,181 I GUARANTEE IT. INSTANT HEADACHE. 1867 01:10:07,183 --> 01:10:08,583 MAYBE WE'RE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE 1868 01:10:08,585 --> 01:10:10,685 WITH THE SAME PERSON OUR WHOLE LIVES. 1869 01:10:10,687 --> 01:10:15,657 MAYBE IT'S OUR NATURE, WE WANT MORE, UH... EXCITEMENT, 1870 01:10:15,659 --> 01:10:17,458 - VARIETY. - YEAH, OR MAYBE 1871 01:10:17,460 --> 01:10:18,927 WE'RE-WE'RE MEANT TO BE MARRIED, 1872 01:10:18,929 --> 01:10:20,962 BUT ONLY FOR A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME, YOU KNOW? 1873 01:10:20,964 --> 01:10:22,830 - MM-HMM. - PUT AN EXPIRATION DATE ON IT, 1874 01:10:22,832 --> 01:10:24,932 DATE COMES UP, "SEE YOU LATER. 1875 01:10:24,934 --> 01:10:26,700 NO HARD FEELINGS." 1876 01:10:26,702 --> 01:10:29,437 OR YOU STAY MARRIED AND PUT A NEW DATE ON IT, MAYBE. 1877 01:10:29,439 --> 01:10:32,440 I LIKE IT, IT'S... 1878 01:10:32,442 --> 01:10:33,742 IT'S STRANGELY ROMANTIC. 1879 01:10:33,744 --> 01:10:36,110 I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW. 1880 01:10:36,112 --> 01:10:37,878 NOW WE JUST GOT TO CONVINCE THE REST OF THE WORLD. 1881 01:10:41,151 --> 01:10:44,755 HAVE YOU PASSED YOUR EXPIRATION DATE? 1882 01:10:48,592 --> 01:10:51,025 UH... 1883 01:10:51,027 --> 01:10:53,928 I-I... NAH, I DON'T, I DON'T, I DON'T THINK SO, 1884 01:10:53,930 --> 01:10:57,466 BUT IT'S... IT'S PROBABLY, IT'S PROBABLY COMING. 1885 01:10:57,468 --> 01:10:59,100 ARE YOU SURE, ALLAN? 1886 01:10:59,102 --> 01:11:01,035 I'M NOT COMPLETELY POSITIVE, 1887 01:11:01,037 --> 01:11:04,905 BUT I'M S... SURE ENOUGH. 1888 01:11:04,907 --> 01:11:06,074 OH. 1889 01:11:06,076 --> 01:11:07,945 MM. 1890 01:11:10,914 --> 01:11:12,646 WELL, WHAT ARE WE DRINKING NEXT? 1891 01:11:12,648 --> 01:11:14,216 - TEQUILA - "TE-KILL-YA." 1892 01:11:14,218 --> 01:11:16,551 WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, MAN? 1893 01:11:16,553 --> 01:11:17,785 YOU FUCK. 1894 01:11:17,787 --> 01:11:19,924 YOU FUCKING FUCK. 1895 01:11:28,698 --> 01:11:30,030 - OH. - OH. 1896 01:11:30,032 --> 01:11:32,199 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? 1897 01:11:32,201 --> 01:11:34,502 - I HAD TO PEE. - OH. 1898 01:11:34,504 --> 01:11:37,038 OH, YOU... THAT'S... OKAY. 1899 01:11:37,040 --> 01:11:38,239 YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED, RIGHT? 1900 01:11:38,241 --> 01:11:39,574 YOU'RE SWEET. 1901 01:11:39,576 --> 01:11:40,775 I'M-I'M... THANK YOU. 1902 01:11:40,777 --> 01:11:42,644 THAT'S... I'VE GOT TO... 1903 01:11:42,646 --> 01:11:44,078 OKAY. 1904 01:11:44,080 --> 01:11:45,946 I'VE GOT THREE KIDS AND UH... 1905 01:11:45,948 --> 01:11:47,615 OH, GOD THAT FEELS GOOD. 1906 01:11:47,617 --> 01:11:49,217 GOT A HOUSE. 1907 01:11:50,286 --> 01:11:51,886 MM, YOU SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES. 1908 01:11:51,888 --> 01:11:53,954 AH. 1909 01:11:53,956 --> 01:11:56,958 I'VE GOT A LOANER MINIVAN. 1910 01:11:56,960 --> 01:11:58,729 MINIVANS ARE HOT. 1911 01:12:05,701 --> 01:12:09,303 IT'S HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING. 1912 01:12:09,305 --> 01:12:10,508 OH. 1913 01:12:12,009 --> 01:12:15,677 OH, I'M S... I'M SORRY. 1914 01:12:15,679 --> 01:12:16,948 I CAN'T DO THIS. 1915 01:12:18,881 --> 01:12:20,548 YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? 1916 01:12:20,550 --> 01:12:21,552 YEAH. 1917 01:12:24,854 --> 01:12:26,022 SHE MUST BE AMAZING. 1918 01:12:27,924 --> 01:12:29,526 OR YOU'RE A FUCKING PUSSY. 1919 01:12:32,562 --> 01:12:34,930 BOTH OF YOU WERE NAKED AT THE SAME TIME? 1920 01:12:36,133 --> 01:12:37,766 OH! 1921 01:12:37,768 --> 01:12:39,868 YOU'RE A REAL FUCKING ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT? 1922 01:12:39,870 --> 01:12:41,269 GIRLS, ARE WE READY? 1923 01:12:41,271 --> 01:12:42,671 - YUP. - YUP. FUCKING MUTE. 1924 01:12:42,673 --> 01:12:44,071 WHAT? 1925 01:12:44,073 --> 01:12:45,606 WORST MOMS NIGHT OUT EVER. 1926 01:12:45,608 --> 01:12:47,007 I HAVE TO GO HOME AND SCREW MY HUSBAND. 1927 01:12:47,009 --> 01:12:48,109 MY TITS ARE GONNA EXPLODE. 1928 01:12:48,111 --> 01:12:49,914 I GOT TO GO PUMP IN THE CAR. 1929 01:12:52,348 --> 01:12:53,914 UH... 1930 01:12:53,916 --> 01:12:55,717 W-W-WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 1931 01:12:55,719 --> 01:12:57,752 - I HAVE NO IDEA. - WELL, I THINK THAT PHIL 1932 01:12:57,754 --> 01:13:00,689 JUST COCK-BLOCKED US WITH A COUPLE OF MOMS. 1933 01:13:00,691 --> 01:13:02,157 NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, 1934 01:13:02,159 --> 01:13:04,025 DO YOU THINK OUR WIVES DO SHIT LIKE THAT 1935 01:13:04,027 --> 01:13:05,627 - ON MOMS NIGHT OUT? - NO, MAN, NO! 1936 01:13:05,629 --> 01:13:07,028 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. - COME ON. 1937 01:13:07,030 --> 01:13:08,029 THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 1938 01:13:08,031 --> 01:13:09,230 ARE WE SURE? 1939 01:13:10,666 --> 01:13:11,967 HERE'S TO YOU, YOU FUCKING... 1940 01:13:15,339 --> 01:13:17,939 HEY, WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM? 1941 01:13:17,941 --> 01:13:19,306 WHAT'D YOU SAY TO THAT MOM? 1942 01:13:19,308 --> 01:13:20,842 - SAME SHIT YOU WOULD'VE SAID. - NOPE. 1943 01:13:20,844 --> 01:13:21,976 DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL'S ASS? 1944 01:13:21,978 --> 01:13:24,645 GODDAMN! 1945 01:13:24,647 --> 01:13:27,315 AYE, OH, AND-AND DON'T GET THAT SHIT TWISTED, 1946 01:13:27,317 --> 01:13:28,717 THAT WAS A FLUKE. 1947 01:13:28,719 --> 01:13:29,751 I GOT GAME. 1948 01:13:29,753 --> 01:13:30,819 OH, YEAH. 1949 01:13:30,821 --> 01:13:32,153 - I GOT GAME. - YEAH. 1950 01:13:32,155 --> 01:13:33,154 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE SAID? 1951 01:13:33,156 --> 01:13:34,823 WHAT YOU SHOULD'VE SAID WAS 1952 01:13:34,825 --> 01:13:36,658 THAT YOU HAD A VASECTOMY, 1953 01:13:36,660 --> 01:13:38,892 'CAUSE THEY WERE MOMS, THEY MIGHT'VE THOUGHT THAT WAS HOT. 1954 01:13:38,894 --> 01:13:41,029 IT'S ALL I'M GONNA SAY. 1955 01:13:41,031 --> 01:13:42,029 YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S ALL RIGHT. 1956 01:13:42,031 --> 01:13:43,731 IT'S ALL RIGHT. 1957 01:13:43,733 --> 01:13:46,066 LISTEN, I KNOW THAT I SHOULD PROBABLY DO IT, OKAY? 1958 01:13:46,068 --> 01:13:47,368 I'M NOT AN IDIOT. 1959 01:13:47,370 --> 01:13:51,006 BUT IT'S ALL JUST SO FINAL, YOU KNOW? 1960 01:13:51,008 --> 01:13:53,675 AND... 1961 01:13:53,677 --> 01:13:55,142 I FEEL LIKE A PUSSY, ALL RIGHT? 1962 01:13:55,144 --> 01:13:57,044 BUT I-I-I THOUGHT ALL THE FREAKING OUT 1963 01:13:57,046 --> 01:14:00,649 WAS, WAS GONNA BE DONE WHEN WE GOT MARRIED. 1964 01:14:00,651 --> 01:14:02,684 AND THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN WHEN WE HAD KIDS. 1965 01:14:02,686 --> 01:14:04,084 W... WHEN DOES IT END? 1966 01:14:04,086 --> 01:14:07,655 THAT'S HAPPILY EVER AFTER FOR YOUR ASS, MAN. 1967 01:14:07,657 --> 01:14:09,224 IT'S MESSY AS FUCK. 1968 01:14:09,226 --> 01:14:10,225 I CAN'T HELP IT, 1969 01:14:10,227 --> 01:14:12,260 BUT, SOMETIMES... 1970 01:14:12,262 --> 01:14:13,828 I JUST WANT TO RUN. 1971 01:14:13,830 --> 01:14:15,129 WOW, YEAH. 1972 01:14:15,131 --> 01:14:16,765 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN? 1973 01:14:16,767 --> 01:14:18,199 THEY WOULD JUST FIND US. 1974 01:14:18,201 --> 01:14:19,734 I CAN HEAR DAISY RIGHT NOW, 1975 01:14:19,736 --> 01:14:21,269 "NO! NO! WHERE YOU GOING? 1976 01:14:21,271 --> 01:14:22,936 NO, I GOT DREAMS TO CRUSH. 1977 01:14:22,938 --> 01:14:24,905 YOU AN ASSHOLE, BUT YOU'RE MY ASSHOLE. 1978 01:14:24,907 --> 01:14:26,007 MY ASSHOLE!" 1979 01:14:26,009 --> 01:14:27,742 "MY ASSHOLE." 1980 01:14:27,744 --> 01:14:30,310 "UH, BABE? BABE, UH, WHERE YOU GOING? 1981 01:14:30,312 --> 01:14:31,812 YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO FIND ANOTHER WOMAN." 1982 01:14:31,814 --> 01:14:33,414 - "TOO DUMB." - DAMN. 1983 01:14:33,416 --> 01:14:34,949 UH, YEAH, SHE WOULD SAY, 1984 01:14:34,951 --> 01:14:36,117 "UH, JASON, 1985 01:14:36,119 --> 01:14:37,819 THERE'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. 1986 01:14:37,821 --> 01:14:39,421 YOU JUST DON'T HAVE ANY WORKING SPERM. 1987 01:14:39,423 --> 01:14:42,222 NOW WIPE THIS KID'S ASSHOLE, HE'S GOT DIARRHEA." 1988 01:14:42,224 --> 01:14:44,092 EVE IS COLD, MAN. 1989 01:14:44,094 --> 01:14:45,793 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, 1990 01:14:45,795 --> 01:14:47,928 WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, SOMETHING'S GONNA CHANGE. 1991 01:14:47,930 --> 01:14:51,199 AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT, BUT I KNOW I AM NOT GETTING A MINIVAN. 1992 01:14:51,201 --> 01:14:52,333 THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT! 1993 01:14:52,335 --> 01:14:54,034 - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - GOOD LUCK TO YOU, DUDE. 1994 01:14:54,036 --> 01:14:55,039 GOOD LUCK ON THAT ONE. 1995 01:14:56,939 --> 01:14:59,039 OH, OH SHIT! 1996 01:14:59,041 --> 01:15:01,208 WE ARE LIVING! THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT, MAN! 1997 01:15:01,210 --> 01:15:03,877 COME HERE, MOTHERFUCKER, I LOVE YOU! 1998 01:15:03,879 --> 01:15:05,713 I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU ASSHOLE, YEAH, GIVE ME A HUG. 1999 01:15:05,715 --> 01:15:06,948 COME HERE, COME HERE. 2000 01:15:06,950 --> 01:15:08,182 - NO, GIVE ME MORE, MAN. - NO, NO, NO. 2001 01:15:08,184 --> 01:15:10,051 - YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT. - NO, NO, NO! 2002 01:15:10,053 --> 01:15:12,052 ALL RIGHT, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. 2003 01:15:12,054 --> 01:15:13,053 I'LL GIVE YOU THAT, I DO. 2004 01:15:13,055 --> 01:15:14,823 YOU'RE A BAD MOTHERFUCKER, MAN. 2005 01:15:14,825 --> 01:15:16,291 - CHEERS. - OH. 2006 01:15:16,293 --> 01:15:18,126 MM. 2007 01:15:18,128 --> 01:15:19,362 HAVE YOU BEEN HAVING FUN, ALLAN? 2008 01:15:21,497 --> 01:15:23,797 WHOA. YOU AGAIN. 2009 01:15:23,799 --> 01:15:26,801 - SO YOU THINK YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE LIFE FIGURED OUT, IS THAT RIGHT? - YES. 2010 01:15:26,803 --> 01:15:28,736 I MEAN, NO, NO, NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT. 2011 01:15:28,738 --> 01:15:30,270 NO, I DON'T. WHAT'S HAPPENING? 2012 01:15:30,272 --> 01:15:32,006 WELL, YOU SCARED AWAY MY RESIDENTS, ALLAN. 2013 01:15:32,008 --> 01:15:33,408 NO, THAT WAS, THAT WAS A DREAM. 2014 01:15:33,410 --> 01:15:34,409 THAT'S... 2015 01:15:34,411 --> 01:15:35,409 WHAT IS... OH! 2016 01:15:35,411 --> 01:15:37,345 WHY AM I TIED UP? 2017 01:15:37,347 --> 01:15:39,780 WHAT IS... WHAT IS THAT BLO... 2018 01:15:39,782 --> 01:15:41,815 WHAT IS THAT BLOOD? WHAT IS THAT PAIN? 2019 01:15:41,817 --> 01:15:42,816 WHAT IS THAT PAIN? 2020 01:15:42,818 --> 01:15:44,185 YOU MOVED. 2021 01:15:44,187 --> 01:15:46,754 I TOLD YOU NOT TO MOVE, AND YOU MOVED. 2022 01:15:46,756 --> 01:15:47,756 HE SHOULDN'T HAVE MOVED. 2023 01:15:47,758 --> 01:15:49,257 YOU NICKED IT? 2024 01:15:49,259 --> 01:15:51,226 YOU NICKED IT? YOU REALLY NICKED IT? 2025 01:15:51,228 --> 01:15:52,226 HOW BAD? 2026 01:15:52,228 --> 01:15:54,261 OH, IT'S REAL BAD. 2027 01:15:54,263 --> 01:15:56,765 THE GOOD NEWS IS I CAN 100% GUARANTEE 2028 01:15:56,767 --> 01:15:59,801 THIS VASECTOMY'S EFFECTIVENESS. 2029 01:15:59,803 --> 01:16:01,502 NO. NO! 2030 01:16:01,504 --> 01:16:03,370 EE! 2031 01:16:03,372 --> 01:16:05,006 GET ME OUT OF HERE! 2032 01:16:05,008 --> 01:16:06,474 UNTIE ME! 2033 01:16:06,476 --> 01:16:08,810 I'M GONNA CUT YOUR BALLS OFF AND SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT. 2034 01:16:08,812 --> 01:16:10,779 IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUDDY, IT'S ALL A DREAM. 2035 01:16:10,781 --> 01:16:12,146 - FUCK YOU! - AND YOU GOT EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT, RIGHT? 2036 01:16:12,148 --> 01:16:13,914 NO, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! 2037 01:16:13,916 --> 01:16:15,984 OH, I HATE YOUR FACE. 2038 01:16:15,986 --> 01:16:16,985 I HATE YOUR FUCKING FACE. 2039 01:16:22,291 --> 01:16:24,124 YOU... 2040 01:16:24,126 --> 01:16:26,794 YOU GOT ME, DR. KEN! 2041 01:16:26,796 --> 01:16:28,331 YOU PUNKED ME, YOU PRICK! 2042 01:16:32,235 --> 01:16:33,504 HEY, GUYS? 2043 01:16:36,572 --> 01:16:38,840 OH, THERE'S A FUCKING TICKET. 2044 01:16:38,842 --> 01:16:42,209 OH, SHIT, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY. 2045 01:16:42,211 --> 01:16:43,347 HEY. 2046 01:16:44,947 --> 01:16:46,948 - WE SLEPT IN. - OH, FUCK. 2047 01:16:46,950 --> 01:16:49,083 - WHAT TIME IS IT? - AH! 2048 01:16:49,085 --> 01:16:50,552 OKAY. 2049 01:16:50,554 --> 01:16:52,052 WHAT TIME IS IT? 2050 01:16:52,054 --> 01:16:53,855 IT'S OKAY, IT'S 6:00. 2051 01:16:53,857 --> 01:16:55,390 IT'S 6:00. 2052 01:16:55,392 --> 01:16:57,257 OH, FUCK, IT'S 6:00 P.M. 2053 01:16:58,894 --> 01:17:00,127 GET UP, PHIL. 2054 01:17:00,129 --> 01:17:02,497 WHO FUCKING? WHO FUCKING? 2055 01:17:04,134 --> 01:17:06,367 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 2056 01:17:06,369 --> 01:17:10,204 - NO. - OH, SON OF A BITCH. 2057 01:17:10,206 --> 01:17:11,808 WE SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE... 2058 01:17:14,044 --> 01:17:16,211 LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF SHIT. 2059 01:17:16,213 --> 01:17:18,081 FUCK! 2060 01:17:19,582 --> 01:17:20,882 YOU KNOW WHAT? 2061 01:17:20,884 --> 01:17:22,217 IT'S OVER. 2062 01:17:22,219 --> 01:17:23,918 WHY DON'T WE JUST BURN THIS FUCKING VAN? 2063 01:17:23,920 --> 01:17:25,619 LET'S JUST BURN THE FUCKING VAN. 2064 01:17:25,621 --> 01:17:27,254 FUCK IT, LET'S DO IT. 2065 01:17:27,256 --> 01:17:29,289 OH, MY GOD. OKAY. 2066 01:17:29,291 --> 01:17:30,391 - I'LL BURN THIS VAN. - IT'S ALL YOU. 2067 01:17:30,393 --> 01:17:31,592 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 2068 01:17:31,594 --> 01:17:32,993 PUT IT AWAY, PUT IT AWAY. 2069 01:17:32,995 --> 01:17:34,395 YOU'RE NOT BURNING THE VAN. 2070 01:17:34,397 --> 01:17:36,096 YOU GOT TO TAKE KIDS TO SCHOOL, 2071 01:17:36,098 --> 01:17:38,333 YOU GOT TO GO TO WORK. 2072 01:17:38,335 --> 01:17:39,467 WE'RE DADS. 2073 01:17:39,469 --> 01:17:40,467 WE DON'T DO THAT SHIT. 2074 01:17:40,469 --> 01:17:42,436 RUMSPRINGA'S NOT OVER. 2075 01:17:42,438 --> 01:17:44,073 WE STILL GOT TIME. 2076 01:17:46,175 --> 01:17:47,507 - ALL RIGHT. - COME ON! 2077 01:17:47,509 --> 01:17:49,310 ALL RIGHT, LET'S-LET'S REGROUP. 2078 01:17:49,312 --> 01:17:51,178 IT'S WINNING TIME. 2079 01:17:51,180 --> 01:17:53,080 - THERE'S UBER. - LET'S GET A... LET'S UBER! 2080 01:17:53,082 --> 01:17:56,050 - LET'S UBER! THAT'S THINKING. - GET SOME FOOD 2081 01:17:56,052 --> 01:17:57,517 - COME ON! TITTIES! - AND SEE SOME TITTIES. 2082 01:17:57,519 --> 01:17:59,186 TITTIES. 2083 01:17:59,188 --> 01:18:00,520 - TITTIES. - TITTIES IT IS. 2084 01:18:00,522 --> 01:18:04,025 WHOO! 2085 01:18:04,027 --> 01:18:05,392 OW, MY HEAD. 2086 01:18:05,394 --> 01:18:07,528 IT'S LITERALLY ABOUT TO EXPLODE RIGHT NOW. 2087 01:18:07,530 --> 01:18:09,963 LIKE, LITERALLY. 2088 01:18:09,965 --> 01:18:12,166 IF YOU WANT, I CAN GO ASK THEM TO TURN THE MUSIC DOWN 2089 01:18:12,168 --> 01:18:14,135 FOR YOU THERE, OLD DAD. 2090 01:18:14,137 --> 01:18:15,403 I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE WE SLEPT THROUGH 2091 01:18:15,405 --> 01:18:17,204 HALF OF YOUR RUMSPRINGA. 2092 01:18:17,206 --> 01:18:19,007 OH, IT'S FINE. AND, YOU KNOW WHAT? 2093 01:18:19,009 --> 01:18:20,574 AFTER EATING PIES, 2094 01:18:20,576 --> 01:18:24,378 SLEEPING IN WAS NUMBER TWO OF TWO ON MY BUCKET LIST. 2095 01:18:24,380 --> 01:18:26,948 YEAH, WELL, THERE WILL BE AN ADDENDUM 2096 01:18:26,950 --> 01:18:28,449 THAT INVOLVES THAT GIRL'S ASS 2097 01:18:28,451 --> 01:18:31,418 IN YOUR LAP, I PROMISE. 2098 01:18:31,420 --> 01:18:33,553 SOON AS I GET MY STRENGTH. 2099 01:18:33,555 --> 01:18:36,157 SHE'S VERY LIMBER. 2100 01:18:36,159 --> 01:18:39,226 OH, LOOK AT THOSE DUDES OVER THERE. 2101 01:18:39,228 --> 01:18:42,329 YOU EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'D BE LIKE IF WE GOT TO GO BACK 2102 01:18:42,331 --> 01:18:43,698 AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN? 2103 01:18:43,700 --> 01:18:45,934 WE'D BE LIKE THOSE ASSHOLES? 2104 01:18:45,936 --> 01:18:47,200 I'M GETTING EXHAUSTED JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. 2105 01:18:47,202 --> 01:18:48,535 LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I WOULD START. 2106 01:18:48,537 --> 01:18:50,038 WHAT DID WE USE TO DO ALL DAY? 2107 01:18:50,040 --> 01:18:51,204 I MEAN, YOU CAN ONLY JERK OFF 2108 01:18:51,206 --> 01:18:53,574 SO MUCH, RIGHT? MAN, FUCK THEM. 2109 01:18:53,576 --> 01:18:57,611 FUCK HIM AND HIS PERFECTLY MANICURED HAIR AND BEARD COMBO. 2110 01:18:57,613 --> 01:19:00,580 FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER 'CAUSE HE REMINDS ME TOO MUCH OF ME TEN YEARS AGO. 2111 01:19:00,582 --> 01:19:01,983 IT'S LIKE BIZARRO PHIL RIGHT THERE. 2112 01:19:01,985 --> 01:19:02,984 AND FUCK HIM BECAUSE 2113 01:19:02,986 --> 01:19:05,485 HE JUST LOOKS TOO GODDAMN HAPPY. 2114 01:19:05,487 --> 01:19:07,422 HE IS HAPPY, SON OF A BITCH. 2115 01:19:07,424 --> 01:19:09,190 YOUTH IS OVERRATED. 2116 01:19:09,192 --> 01:19:11,025 YEAH. 2117 01:19:11,027 --> 01:19:12,229 I MISS MY KIDS. 2118 01:19:13,629 --> 01:19:15,262 RIGHT NOW, 2119 01:19:15,264 --> 01:19:17,398 AS YOU STARE AT THAT ASS, YOU MISS YOUR KIDS? 2120 01:19:17,400 --> 01:19:20,234 YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THAT SHE IS STRIPPING TO SUPPORT HER OWN KIDS. 2121 01:19:20,236 --> 01:19:21,235 YOU KNOW WHAT? 2122 01:19:21,237 --> 01:19:23,604 I CAN ACTUALLY SEE HER BEING A REALLY GOOD MOM. 2123 01:19:23,606 --> 01:19:24,739 NO, NO! 2124 01:19:24,741 --> 01:19:26,440 WHILE SHE'S ON THE POLE, 2125 01:19:26,442 --> 01:19:27,641 SHE'S NOT A MOM, ALL RIGHT? 2126 01:19:27,643 --> 01:19:30,645 - I MISS MY KIDS, TOO. - OH, SHIT. 2127 01:19:30,647 --> 01:19:32,346 - DON'T YOU MISS YOUR KIDS, PHIL? - YES! 2128 01:19:32,348 --> 01:19:34,582 YES, I MISS MY FUCKING KIDS, ALL RIGHT? 2129 01:19:34,584 --> 01:19:37,351 IN FACT, NEXT TIME, WHY DON'T WE BRING THEM ALONG 2130 01:19:37,353 --> 01:19:39,252 SO WE CAN NOT MISS THEM WHILE WE WATCH 2131 01:19:39,254 --> 01:19:41,088 THIS NON-MOM SHAKE HER ASS 2132 01:19:41,090 --> 01:19:43,091 AS A FAMILY UNIT? THAT SOUND LIKE A PLAN? 2133 01:19:43,093 --> 01:19:44,559 GUYS? 2134 01:19:44,561 --> 01:19:47,694 I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I'M GONNA DO IT. 2135 01:19:47,696 --> 01:19:50,131 WHAT? WELL, WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND, YOU STILL GOT A COUPLES HOURS LEFT. 2136 01:19:50,133 --> 01:19:52,333 YEAH, I MEAN, DON'T DO SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET. 2137 01:19:52,335 --> 01:19:55,435 WELL, ALSO, DON'T NOT DO SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU MIGHT REGRET THAT 2138 01:19:55,437 --> 01:19:57,070 BECAUSE THAT'S A MISTAKE ALSO. 2139 01:19:57,072 --> 01:19:58,271 YOU KNOW WHAT, BOYS? 2140 01:19:58,273 --> 01:20:00,108 I THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISE 2141 01:20:00,110 --> 01:20:02,043 AND SAGE ADVICE. 2142 01:20:02,045 --> 01:20:06,547 BUT I'M GONNA ADD AN ITEM TO MY RUMSPRINGA BUCKET LIST. 2143 01:20:06,549 --> 01:20:09,217 THE THIRD AND FINAL ITEM... 2144 01:20:09,219 --> 01:20:10,650 AND I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO JOIN ME. 2145 01:20:10,652 --> 01:20:12,552 COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. 2146 01:20:12,554 --> 01:20:14,087 DAY'S A-WASTING. HEY. 2147 01:20:14,089 --> 01:20:16,791 ARE WE DOING THIS, CAPTAIN MINIVAN? 2148 01:20:16,793 --> 01:20:18,325 YOU ALL LOOK AMAZING, BY THE WAY. 2149 01:20:18,327 --> 01:20:19,560 - YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER. - THANK YOU. 2150 01:20:19,562 --> 01:20:21,029 COULD YOU, COULD YOU LET ME UP THERE 2151 01:20:21,031 --> 01:20:22,329 AND DANCE JUST A LITTLE BIT? 2152 01:20:22,331 --> 01:20:24,032 - UH... SURE. - LIKE A MINUTE, YOU KNOW? 2153 01:20:24,034 --> 01:20:26,300 - COME ON, 100 BUCKS. - YEAH, WELL, SURE. 2154 01:20:26,302 --> 01:20:27,435 I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY? 2155 01:20:27,437 --> 01:20:29,270 OH, HERE YOU GO, TAKE ONE. 2156 01:20:29,272 --> 01:20:31,172 - YEAH, LET'S DO IT. - AWESOME. 2157 01:20:31,174 --> 01:20:32,306 HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP. 2158 01:20:32,308 --> 01:20:33,306 ALL RIGHT. 2159 01:20:33,308 --> 01:20:34,508 OH, GOD. 2160 01:20:34,510 --> 01:20:36,343 YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. 2161 01:20:36,345 --> 01:20:37,511 YOU KNOW, I WATCHED A LOT 2162 01:20:37,513 --> 01:20:39,346 OF JANET JACKSON WHEN I WAS LITTLE. 2163 01:20:39,348 --> 01:20:40,448 I SAW JANET 2164 01:20:40,450 --> 01:20:42,516 WORK LIKE THIS ONCE. 2165 01:20:42,518 --> 01:20:43,751 LET ME SHOW YOU HOW WE DO IT 2166 01:20:43,753 --> 01:20:45,787 IN JAIL, FELLAS. 2167 01:20:45,789 --> 01:20:47,422 I KNOW THIS IS WHAT Y'ALL REALLY WANT, RIGHT? 2168 01:20:49,192 --> 01:20:51,124 YEAH! 2169 01:20:51,126 --> 01:20:52,760 - OH! - HEY, ALLAN, 2170 01:20:52,762 --> 01:20:54,462 I THINK THIS DANCE PARTY'S TAKING A TURN, MAN. 2171 01:20:54,464 --> 01:20:56,497 - CAN WE LEAVE? - DANCE PARTY WAS NOT ON MY LIST. 2172 01:20:56,499 --> 01:20:58,632 WELL, THEN WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, DUDE? 2173 01:20:58,634 --> 01:20:59,767 COME ON, ARE YOU READY? 2174 01:20:59,769 --> 01:21:01,569 YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT BEFORE, ALLAN. 2175 01:21:01,571 --> 01:21:03,337 NEITHER HAVE I. 2176 01:21:03,339 --> 01:21:04,739 WHOO! 2177 01:21:04,741 --> 01:21:06,641 THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT! 2178 01:21:06,643 --> 01:21:09,110 TAKE THESE. 2179 01:21:12,314 --> 01:21:14,248 COME ON! 2180 01:21:14,250 --> 01:21:15,283 OH! 2181 01:21:15,285 --> 01:21:16,417 DANCE FIGHT! 2182 01:21:19,188 --> 01:21:20,288 LET'S GO, BUDDY. 2183 01:21:21,558 --> 01:21:22,757 OH, MY GOD! 2184 01:21:24,193 --> 01:21:25,525 YOU READY TO GO NOW? 2185 01:21:25,527 --> 01:21:26,627 RUMSPRINGA! 2186 01:21:26,629 --> 01:21:27,761 YEAH, BOY! 2187 01:21:27,763 --> 01:21:29,396 ♪ ON TOP. ♪ 2188 01:21:35,304 --> 01:21:37,204 MERRY RUMSPRINGA, MAN. 2189 01:21:37,206 --> 01:21:39,373 BEST DAY EVER. 2190 01:21:41,143 --> 01:21:42,510 ASIDE FROM THE BIRTH OF MY FIRST CHILD. 2191 01:21:42,512 --> 01:21:44,311 - YEAH, YEAH. - AND THE SECOND, AND THE THIRD. 2192 01:21:44,313 --> 01:21:46,180 I FEEL VERY GOOD. 2193 01:21:46,182 --> 01:21:48,516 - WE SHOULD COORDINATE OUR NEXT MID-LIFE CRISIS. - OH. 2194 01:21:48,518 --> 01:21:50,784 I AM GETTING SO TIRED OF COMING IN HERE. 2195 01:21:50,786 --> 01:21:52,552 WHO'S GONNA MAKE THE CALL, HUH? 2196 01:21:52,554 --> 01:21:54,122 ANYONE? COME ON. 2197 01:21:54,124 --> 01:21:56,123 DAISY WOULD NEVER LET ME HEAR THE END OF THIS. 2198 01:21:56,125 --> 01:21:57,891 I CAN'T ASK EVE, SHE WOULD CASTRATE ME. 2199 01:21:57,893 --> 01:21:59,293 - DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP? - YES. 2200 01:21:59,295 --> 01:22:01,395 THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING? 2201 01:22:01,397 --> 01:22:03,797 HEY, OFFICER, CAN'T WE, UH, JUST WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE MEN? 2202 01:22:03,799 --> 01:22:06,434 NO, YOU NEED A RESPONSIBLE ADULT TO DRIVE HOME, OKAY? 2203 01:22:06,436 --> 01:22:08,136 AND THAT'S FINAL. 2204 01:22:08,138 --> 01:22:09,537 FUCKING DADS. 2205 01:22:11,241 --> 01:22:12,773 WELL, WE'RE SCREWED. 2206 01:22:12,775 --> 01:22:15,342 DON'T WE KNOW ANYBODY THAT CAN KEEP THEIR MOUTH SHUT 2207 01:22:15,344 --> 01:22:16,412 AND BE COMPLETELY NON-JUDGMENTAL? 2208 01:22:18,313 --> 01:22:20,580 THERE IS ONE PERSON. 2209 01:22:20,582 --> 01:22:21,681 YOU BOYS ARE SO 2210 01:22:21,683 --> 01:22:23,650 FUCKING STUPID. 2211 01:22:23,652 --> 01:22:25,886 WHOO, YOU OWE ME BIG TIME. 2212 01:22:25,888 --> 01:22:27,421 AND APART FROM ALL THE MONEY, 2213 01:22:27,423 --> 01:22:28,756 Y'ALL GONNA HAVE SEND ME A LOT OF REFERRALS. 2214 01:22:28,758 --> 01:22:30,624 AND EACH OF YOU 2215 01:22:30,626 --> 01:22:32,726 IS GONNA HAVE TO OPEN UP AT LEAST 20 FAKE YELP ACCOUNTS. 2216 01:22:32,728 --> 01:22:35,163 AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME GOOD REVIEWS. 2217 01:22:35,165 --> 01:22:36,898 HEY, HEY, WANG, ARE YOU SURE I CAN'T SIT IN THE FRONT? 2218 01:22:36,900 --> 01:22:38,332 WHAT DID I JUST SAY TO YOU? 2219 01:22:38,334 --> 01:22:40,901 - YOU SAID NO. - I SAID NO, GODDAMN IT. 2220 01:22:40,903 --> 01:22:43,270 SHIT. I LOVE YOU BOYS, BUT IF YOU DON'T PAY ME MY MONEY, 2221 01:22:43,272 --> 01:22:44,905 I'M GONNA TELL ALL Y'ALL WIVES. 2222 01:22:44,907 --> 01:22:47,307 - NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE DON'T. - NO, NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE. 2223 01:22:47,309 --> 01:22:49,776 SHIT, THEN DON'T FUCK WITH ME. 2224 01:22:51,446 --> 01:22:52,445 OH, NO, BITCH. NO, YOU DIDN'T. 2225 01:22:52,447 --> 01:22:53,780 - BOYS? - UH-UH. 2226 01:22:53,782 --> 01:22:57,885 I DECLARE MINI RUMSPRINGA OFFICIALLY OVER. 2227 01:22:57,887 --> 01:23:00,387 - YOU MOTHERFUCKER! - WELL, THEN OUR JOB HERE IS DONE. 2228 01:23:00,389 --> 01:23:02,489 YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, BROTHER? 2229 01:23:02,491 --> 01:23:04,725 - I THINK SO, YEAH. - DON'T YOU MAKE ME PULL OUT THAT GODDAMN STICK. 2230 01:23:04,727 --> 01:23:06,394 NOW, IF ANYBODY ASKS... 2231 01:23:06,396 --> 01:23:09,529 - YOU MOTHER... - NOTHING HAPPENED. 2232 01:23:09,531 --> 01:23:11,798 THAT'S IT. RIGHT, GODDAMN IT. 2233 01:23:11,800 --> 01:23:14,368 THAT'S RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, NOW. LET'S GET OUR ASSES UP OUT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. 2234 01:23:14,370 --> 01:23:16,305 AH. 2235 01:23:41,830 --> 01:23:44,231 HEY. 2236 01:23:44,233 --> 01:23:46,503 - HEY. - WHAT, UH... 2237 01:23:47,769 --> 01:23:49,436 HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE? 2238 01:23:49,438 --> 01:23:52,606 UH... YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? 2239 01:23:52,608 --> 01:23:54,775 ACTUALLY, NO, I DO NOT. 2240 01:23:54,777 --> 01:23:55,775 THAT'S GOOD 2241 01:23:55,777 --> 01:23:57,744 BECAUSE WE ALL KIND OF SAID 2242 01:23:57,746 --> 01:24:00,681 THAT WE WOULD ALL SAY NOTHING HAPPENED. 2243 01:24:00,683 --> 01:24:01,681 SO... 2244 01:24:01,683 --> 01:24:03,954 DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT? 2245 01:24:06,622 --> 01:24:08,321 IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? 2246 01:24:08,323 --> 01:24:11,391 IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. 2247 01:24:11,393 --> 01:24:12,662 THAT'S GOOD. 2248 01:24:13,763 --> 01:24:14,895 THAT'S GOOD. 2249 01:24:14,897 --> 01:24:16,631 FUCKING ASSHOLE! 2250 01:24:16,633 --> 01:24:18,733 YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING WORRIED YOU HAD ME ABOUT YOU? 2251 01:24:18,735 --> 01:24:20,635 - HEY, HEY, HEY, PLEASE... - NO, AND THEN EVE AND DAISY, 2252 01:24:20,637 --> 01:24:22,302 THEY'RE TELLING ME YOU'RE GONNA BACK WITH AN STD 2253 01:24:22,304 --> 01:24:23,770 OR, LIKE, BE IN JAIL OR SOMETHING. 2254 01:24:23,772 --> 01:24:25,672 COME ON, WHAT? JAIL? THAT'S CRAZY. 2255 01:24:25,674 --> 01:24:28,042 - STD. - WHAT? 2256 01:24:28,044 --> 01:24:29,877 I DON'T HAVE AN STD. 2257 01:24:29,879 --> 01:24:31,712 - ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - NO, I'M NOT... NO. 2258 01:24:31,714 --> 01:24:33,346 - THERE'S NO WAY. - I WOULD CUT YOU. 2259 01:24:33,348 --> 01:24:35,349 I WOULD END YOU, END YOUR LIFE. YOU WOULD BE DEAD. 2260 01:24:35,351 --> 01:24:37,284 WE WOULD PRAY FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU'D BE DEAD. 2261 01:24:37,286 --> 01:24:38,319 NO MORE. 2262 01:24:38,321 --> 01:24:40,687 WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN? 2263 01:24:40,689 --> 01:24:42,023 YOU'D BE A LITTLE WIDOW. 2264 01:24:42,025 --> 01:24:44,594 - WIDOW, WIDOW MARIA. - WHAT DO YOU THINK IF... 2265 01:24:48,630 --> 01:24:49,797 DO THE... 2266 01:24:54,536 --> 01:24:56,703 - I MISSED YOU. - I MISSED YOU. 2267 01:24:56,705 --> 01:24:57,704 NOT YET... OH. 2268 01:24:57,706 --> 01:25:00,740 MM, WAIT, UM, ALLAN? 2269 01:25:00,742 --> 01:25:03,077 WAIT, ALLAN... JUST ONE THING. 2270 01:25:03,079 --> 01:25:05,312 - HONEY, I'M GONNA GET THE VASECTOMY. - NO. 2271 01:25:05,314 --> 01:25:07,480 - OKAY? I'M NOT EVEN, I'M NOT EVEN AFRAID OF THAT ANYMORE. - NO. 2272 01:25:07,482 --> 01:25:08,783 BUT I DON'T WANT THE MINIVAN, OKAY? 2273 01:25:08,785 --> 01:25:10,517 I WILL GET THE... I WILL GET THE SUV 2274 01:25:10,519 --> 01:25:12,619 - WITH THE THIRD ROW, OKAY? NOT THE MINIVAN. - OKAY. 2275 01:25:12,621 --> 01:25:14,754 - ALLAN... - UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO HAVE THE MINIVAN. 2276 01:25:14,756 --> 01:25:18,659 - I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. - ALLAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. JUST... 2277 01:25:18,661 --> 01:25:21,095 OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW HOW I'VE BEEN HAVING HEADACHES LATELY 2278 01:25:21,097 --> 01:25:24,030 AND-AND I'VE BEEN TIRED AND KIND OF A BITCH? 2279 01:25:24,032 --> 01:25:27,334 - NO, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN... NO, YOU'RE JUST YOUR NORMAL, - OKAY, OKAY. 2280 01:25:27,336 --> 01:25:28,502 LOVING, LOVING SELF. 2281 01:25:28,504 --> 01:25:29,669 LOOK, UM... 2282 01:25:29,671 --> 01:25:32,672 BABE, I'VE BEEN NAUSEOUS ALL WEEK. 2283 01:25:32,674 --> 01:25:34,941 NO. ARE YOU SICK? 2284 01:25:34,943 --> 01:25:38,913 I TOOK A HOME TEST. 2285 01:25:38,915 --> 01:25:40,114 THE DOCTOR CONFIRMED IT. 2286 01:25:40,116 --> 01:25:42,382 WE'RE... 2287 01:25:42,384 --> 01:25:43,883 WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR. 2288 01:25:43,885 --> 01:25:47,421 I TOLD YOU YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PULL OUT. 2289 01:25:47,423 --> 01:25:48,756 NO, NO. WHAT? 2290 01:25:48,758 --> 01:25:50,658 - THIS... THAT ONE TIME? - THE ONE TIME. 2291 01:25:50,660 --> 01:25:53,360 BUT-BUT I DIDN'T... I NEVER... I WANTED TO, 2292 01:25:53,362 --> 01:25:55,462 BUT I-I... THE CONDOM BROKE AND I DIDN'T EVEN... 2293 01:25:55,464 --> 01:25:56,596 ALLAN? 2294 01:25:56,598 --> 01:25:59,400 - BABE? ALLAN? - NO, NO. UH... 2295 01:25:59,402 --> 01:26:01,401 ALLAN, DON'T YOU FREAK OUT ON ME RIGHT NOW. 2296 01:26:01,403 --> 01:26:03,937 - I JUST W... WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING? - BABY? BABY? 2297 01:26:03,939 --> 01:26:05,705 - IT'S OKAY. I KNOW, I KNOW. - I WANTED TO FINISH, BUT... 2298 01:26:05,707 --> 01:26:07,608 - I DIDN'T ACTUALLY, UH... - IT'S OKAY. BABY, JUST BREATHE. 2299 01:26:07,610 --> 01:26:09,142 - JUST BREATHE, IT'S OKAY. - I DIDN'T ACTUALLY... 2300 01:26:09,144 --> 01:26:10,543 - NO, IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE. - THE CONDOM BROKE! 2301 01:26:10,545 --> 01:26:11,912 YOU'RE FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW, OKAY? 2302 01:26:11,914 --> 01:26:13,980 ALLAN, PLEASE, YOU'RE SCARING ME RIGHT NOW. 2303 01:26:13,982 --> 01:26:16,516 - IT'S NOT FUNNY. I KNOW IT'S NUMBER FOUR... - WHAT'S WRONG WITH DADDY? 2304 01:26:16,518 --> 01:26:18,519 - WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS FACE? - WE SHOULD CALL THE COPS. 2305 01:26:18,521 --> 01:26:19,886 NO, NOBODY IS CALLING ANYBODY, OKAY? 2306 01:26:19,888 --> 01:26:21,087 EVERYBODY BACK TO BED, OKAY? 2307 01:26:21,089 --> 01:26:22,722 BACK TO BED, GUYS! GUYS, COME ON. 2308 01:26:22,724 --> 01:26:23,724 DAD? DAD, BREATHE. 2309 01:26:23,726 --> 01:26:25,392 WE SHOULD CALL AN AMBULANCE. 2310 01:26:27,696 --> 01:26:30,163 ALLAN, YOU'RE SCARING THEM. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. GUYS, GO BACK TO BED. 2311 01:26:34,670 --> 01:26:36,069 I KNOCKED YOU UP AND I DIDN'T EVEN CUM! 2312 01:26:36,071 --> 01:26:37,637 - OH, MY GOD. - OH! 2313 01:26:37,639 --> 01:26:39,840 I'M THE BIGGEST STUD OF ALL STUDS! 2314 01:26:39,842 --> 01:26:42,510 I LOVE YOU. 2315 01:26:42,512 --> 01:26:43,810 I LOVE YOU, AND I LOVE YOU. 2316 01:26:43,812 --> 01:26:45,413 - AND I LOVE YOU! - OKAY, DADDY'S FINE. 2317 01:26:45,415 --> 01:26:46,846 OKAY, DADDY'S FINE. OKAY, BACK TO BED. 2318 01:26:50,486 --> 01:26:51,952 - OKAY. - I LOVE YOU. 2319 01:26:51,954 --> 01:26:53,421 - YOU'RE CRAZY. - I LOVE YOU. 2320 01:26:53,423 --> 01:26:54,855 UM, WE'RE HAVING NUMBER FOUR. 2321 01:26:54,857 --> 01:26:56,590 JEEZ. 2322 01:26:56,592 --> 01:26:57,824 W-WHAT'S THIS? 2323 01:26:57,826 --> 01:26:58,926 WHOA. 2324 01:26:58,928 --> 01:27:00,093 YOU'RE LIKE A WILD WOMAN. 2325 01:27:00,095 --> 01:27:01,694 WHAT... I'VE NEVER SEEN THIS LOOK. 2326 01:27:01,696 --> 01:27:03,029 OH, GOD! 2327 01:27:03,031 --> 01:27:05,166 WHOA! 2328 01:27:05,168 --> 01:27:07,901 I AM GOING TO FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT. 2329 01:27:07,903 --> 01:27:09,069 OH, MY GOD. 2330 01:27:11,174 --> 01:27:13,140 - OH, MY GOD. - OH, YEAH. 2331 01:27:13,142 --> 01:27:15,109 - I LOVE YOU. - SHUT UP. 2332 01:27:15,111 --> 01:27:16,843 - OH, GOD. - OH! 2333 01:27:16,845 --> 01:27:18,979 - I'M GONNA KISS YOU. - NO, SHUT UP, I DON'T CARE. 2334 01:27:18,981 --> 01:27:21,148 HOLD YOUR EARS, KIDS! 2335 01:27:21,150 --> 01:27:24,819 MOMMY AND DADDY ARE HAVING SEX! OH, GOD. 2336 01:27:24,821 --> 01:27:26,921 - OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD. - OH, THEY CAN HEAR US. OKAY. 2337 01:27:26,923 --> 01:27:28,556 SHUT UP. 2338 01:27:31,893 --> 01:27:34,093 IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. HOLD ON. 2339 01:27:34,095 --> 01:27:36,564 - OH! - OH! 2340 01:27:36,566 --> 01:27:37,597 I FINISHED. 2341 01:27:37,599 --> 01:27:39,035 SHUT UP. 2342 01:27:41,003 --> 01:27:43,002 SO, DEAR LISTENERS, 2343 01:27:43,004 --> 01:27:45,205 WHAT WOULD YOU SAY WE LEARNED THROUGH ALL THIS, HUH? 2344 01:27:45,207 --> 01:27:46,507 NOT A GODDAMN THING. 2345 01:27:46,509 --> 01:27:48,141 THERE'S NO MORAL TO THIS STORY. 2346 01:27:48,143 --> 01:27:50,677 NO, NO, NO, I THINK WE LEARNED SOMETHING, SOMETHING IMPORTANT. 2347 01:27:50,679 --> 01:27:52,980 YEAH, THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO TRACK A PHONE. 2348 01:27:52,982 --> 01:27:54,949 I MEAN, EVE KNOWS EVERYTHING. SHE'S SO SMART. 2349 01:27:54,951 --> 01:27:56,851 SHIT, REALLY? MAN, SHE BETTER NOT TALK TO DAISY. 2350 01:27:56,853 --> 01:27:58,084 THAT WILL BE MY ASS, I'M TELLING YOU. 2351 01:27:58,086 --> 01:27:59,752 LET'S JUST, LET'S JUST... 2352 01:27:59,754 --> 01:28:01,489 GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT SPORTS, OKAY? 2353 01:28:01,491 --> 01:28:03,724 SPORTS I UNDERSTAND, WOMEN, KIDS, TECHNOLOGY, 2354 01:28:03,726 --> 01:28:07,127 - NOT SO MUCH. - YOU WANT A MORAL TO THIS STORY? I'LL GIVE YOU ONE: 2355 01:28:07,129 --> 01:28:10,998 GET THE DAMN VASECTOMY BEFORE YOU SCREW UP PULLING OUT AND GET YOURSELF STUCK 2356 01:28:11,000 --> 01:28:12,065 WITH NUMBER FOUR. 2357 01:28:12,067 --> 01:28:14,068 I MEAN, I LOVE THE LITTLE FUCKER, BUT NOW MY LIFE 2358 01:28:14,070 --> 01:28:15,935 IS OFFICIALLY OVER. 2359 01:28:15,937 --> 01:28:18,239 I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO FLIP OUT ANYMORE. 2360 01:28:18,241 --> 01:28:20,274 YEAH, LISTEN, I HOPE YOU PICK UP THE MINIVAN. 2361 01:28:20,276 --> 01:28:22,275 NO, NO, THERE WILL BE NO MINIVAN. 2362 01:28:22,277 --> 01:28:24,845 - OKAY. FOUR KIDS? WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT. - MOTHERFUCKERS. 2363 01:28:24,847 --> 01:28:27,780 YOU KNOW I GOT A CONSULT LINED UP NEXT WEEK, RIGHT? 2364 01:28:27,782 --> 01:28:29,583 I CAN'T STAND Y'ALL ASSES. 2365 01:28:29,585 --> 01:28:31,784 - HA-HA! - WHAT HAPPENED TO US, HUH? 2366 01:28:31,786 --> 01:28:33,887 WE USED TO BE MEN. 2367 01:28:33,889 --> 01:28:35,088 WE USED TO BE PROUD. 2368 01:28:35,090 --> 01:28:36,789 SPORTS. COME ON, NOW. 2369 01:28:36,791 --> 01:28:38,691 ONLY SPORTS FROM HERE ON OUT. 2370 01:28:38,693 --> 01:28:40,093 AMEN. 2371 01:28:40,095 --> 01:28:41,694 ♪ AMEN! ♪ 2372 01:28:41,696 --> 01:28:42,730 AMEN. 2373 01:28:42,732 --> 01:28:44,030 AW. 2374 01:28:44,032 --> 01:28:45,699 LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE SO NERVOUS. 2375 01:28:45,701 --> 01:28:47,066 OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A BIG DAY. 2376 01:28:47,068 --> 01:28:49,869 OH, YOU... LOOK NORMAL. 2377 01:28:49,871 --> 01:28:52,205 MM-HMM. WELL, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 2378 01:28:52,207 --> 01:28:54,041 THE DOCTOR IS VERY GOOD AND GENTLE. 2379 01:28:54,043 --> 01:28:55,642 COUNTING ON THAT. 2380 01:28:55,644 --> 01:28:56,644 OH, HERE HE IS. 2381 01:28:56,646 --> 01:28:57,912 MAN OF THE HOUR. OKAY. 2382 01:28:57,914 --> 01:29:00,213 SO, A VASECTOMY. 2383 01:29:00,215 --> 01:29:01,315 I HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER COME BACK. 2384 01:29:01,317 --> 01:29:03,284 MOST MEN LIKE YOU DON'T. 2385 01:29:03,286 --> 01:29:05,785 WELL, I'M NOT LIKE MOST MEN LIKE ME. 2386 01:29:05,787 --> 01:29:07,288 THAT'S CUTE. 2387 01:29:07,290 --> 01:29:09,722 OKAY, REMEMBER, A VASECTOMY IS FOREVER, 2388 01:29:09,724 --> 01:29:12,693 ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD A REVERSAL, 2389 01:29:12,695 --> 01:29:15,895 SO, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE SURE? 2390 01:29:15,897 --> 01:29:20,234 DOC, I DO NOT WANT NUMBER FIVE. 2391 01:29:20,236 --> 01:29:21,735 FIX ME. 2392 01:29:21,737 --> 01:29:23,703 ONE VASECTOMY COMING UP. 2393 01:29:23,705 --> 01:29:27,574 OH, COME ON, ALLAN. DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO SHAVE YOUR BALLS? 2394 01:29:27,576 --> 01:29:29,842 - OH, SHIT. - NURSE, GIVE ME THE BLADE, PLEASE. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, 2395 01:29:29,844 --> 01:29:31,078 I LIKE THE OLD FASHIONED ONE. 2396 01:29:31,080 --> 01:29:32,279 WHAT, WHAT? OLD FA... 2397 01:29:32,281 --> 01:29:33,279 HOLY SHIT. 2398 01:29:33,281 --> 01:29:34,748 THAT'S LIKE A CLEAVER. 2399 01:29:34,750 --> 01:29:37,318 NO, NO! NO RESIDENTS. 2400 01:29:37,320 --> 01:29:39,086 GO FIND SOME OTHER BALLS TO FONDLE. 2401 01:29:39,088 --> 01:29:40,854 REAL FUNNY. 2402 01:29:40,856 --> 01:29:42,655 ALLAN, YOU REMEMBERED TO TAKE YOUR PAIN MEDS, RIGHT? 2403 01:29:42,657 --> 01:29:44,324 WHAT? NO! 2404 01:29:44,326 --> 01:29:46,193 OH, SHIT. NO, NO, NO, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT. 2405 01:29:46,195 --> 01:29:47,627 IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT. 2406 01:29:47,629 --> 01:29:48,928 WELL, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU... 2407 01:29:48,930 --> 01:29:50,129 I LOVE MY WIFE. I LOVE MY KIDS. 2408 01:29:50,131 --> 01:29:51,731 THIS IS GONNA HURT. 2409 01:29:51,733 --> 01:29:52,733 OKAY, LOOK AT THE CEILING. 2410 01:29:54,870 --> 01:29:57,203 - QUIT IT. - OH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! 2411 01:29:57,205 --> 01:29:59,340 - THIS WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN. - GODDAMN IT! 2412 01:29:59,342 --> 01:30:01,007 THE POPULATION'S 7 BILLION IN THE WORLD. 2413 01:30:01,009 --> 01:30:02,342 RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE, RIGHT UP THE MIDDLE. 2414 01:30:02,344 --> 01:30:05,145 I LOVE PLAYDATES! I LOVE POTTY TRAINING! 2415 01:30:05,147 --> 01:30:07,981 THIS IS FOR YOU, BABY! OH! 2416 01:30:07,983 --> 01:30:09,182 WHOO-HOO! 2417 01:30:09,184 --> 01:30:10,883 HEY, HEY, GUYS, WHAT DID I TELL YOU? 2418 01:30:12,687 --> 01:30:14,053 YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB. 2419 01:30:14,055 --> 01:30:15,321 - I'M PROUD OF YOU. - OH. 2420 01:30:15,323 --> 01:30:16,856 - IT'S DAD. - AND DON'T FORGET TO KEEP 2421 01:30:16,858 --> 01:30:18,391 THE FROZEN PEAS ON THAT SPECIAL AREA. 2422 01:30:18,393 --> 01:30:19,993 - OH, YEAH. YEP. - HEY. 2423 01:30:21,162 --> 01:30:22,629 - HEY. - HEY. HI. 2424 01:30:22,631 --> 01:30:24,632 HOW YOU DOING? ARE YOU OKAY? 2425 01:30:24,634 --> 01:30:25,632 - AW. - NO, I'M FINE. 2426 01:30:25,634 --> 01:30:26,900 NATHAN! 2427 01:30:26,902 --> 01:30:28,302 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GET OUT OF HERE. 2428 01:30:28,304 --> 01:30:30,303 OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY? 2429 01:30:30,305 --> 01:30:31,704 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 2430 01:30:31,706 --> 01:30:32,972 ACTUALLY... I DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. 2431 01:30:32,974 --> 01:30:34,908 MM. 2432 01:30:36,946 --> 01:30:37,977 HEY. 2433 01:30:37,979 --> 01:30:39,245 IS HE GONNA BE OKAY? 2434 01:30:39,247 --> 01:30:41,148 PHYSICALLY OR PSYCHOLOGICALLY? 2435 01:30:41,150 --> 01:30:43,182 - OH. - AL? 2436 01:30:43,184 --> 01:30:45,319 - HERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR HIS POST-OP CARE. - OKAY. 2437 01:30:45,321 --> 01:30:48,021 BASICALLY, JUST LET HIM LIE ON THE COUCH FOR A WEEK OR SO, 2438 01:30:48,023 --> 01:30:50,090 CATER TO HIS EVERY NEED, YADA YADA. 2439 01:30:50,092 --> 01:30:51,925 OH. REALLY? 2440 01:30:51,927 --> 01:30:53,060 THIS HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. 2441 01:30:53,062 --> 01:30:54,895 YOUR WONDERFUL HUSBAND 2442 01:30:54,897 --> 01:30:56,329 MUST BRING THIS SPECIMEN IN SIX WEEKS. 2443 01:30:56,331 --> 01:30:59,065 OH, THE SPECIMEN. 2444 01:30:59,067 --> 01:31:00,100 - OKAY, WELL... - HMM. 2445 01:31:00,102 --> 01:31:02,035 THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD. 2446 01:31:02,037 --> 01:31:05,271 EXCEPT HE MUST FIRST CLEAR THE CHAMBER... 2447 01:31:05,273 --> 01:31:06,407 20 TIMES. 2448 01:31:06,409 --> 01:31:08,275 20 TIMES? 2449 01:31:08,277 --> 01:31:11,744 IDEALLY, 30. OR MORE. 2450 01:31:11,746 --> 01:31:13,446 AND I'M SURE HE'LL APPRECIATE YOUR ASSISTANCE WHENEVER POSSIBLE. 2451 01:31:13,448 --> 01:31:14,681 IT'LL REALLY HELP HIS RECOVERY. 2452 01:31:14,683 --> 01:31:16,182 THAT'S... INTERESTING. 2453 01:31:16,184 --> 01:31:18,217 OKAY. THANK YOU, DOCTOR. 2454 01:31:18,219 --> 01:31:19,319 THANK YOU, DOCTOR. 2455 01:31:19,321 --> 01:31:21,055 YEAH. 2456 01:31:21,057 --> 01:31:22,759 - GOOD LUCK. - WELL... 2457 01:31:24,393 --> 01:31:26,894 - 30 TIMES, HUH? - WELL, DOCTOR'S ORDERS. 2458 01:31:26,896 --> 01:31:28,732 OH. GREAT, YEAH. 2459 01:31:30,965 --> 01:31:32,966 ALL RIGHT, KIDS, LET'S GO HOME. 2460 01:31:32,968 --> 01:31:35,435 YOU STAND IN FRONT OF ME. YOU GUARD ME AGAINST YOUR BROTHER. 2461 01:31:35,437 --> 01:31:37,437 - HE'S A LITTLE WILD MAN. - YOU, STAY ON MY SIDE, YOU. 2462 01:31:37,439 --> 01:31:39,273 HOW'S DADDY GONNA PEE WITHOUT HIS WEE-WEE? 2463 01:31:39,275 --> 01:31:41,074 HE'LL PEE OUT OF HIS BUTT. 2464 01:31:41,076 --> 01:31:42,411 OH, GOD. 2465 01:31:42,413 --> 01:31:45,300 SUBTITLES BY EXPLOSIVESKULL 177714