Original subtitles

And in a few moments, we will be taking you over to our London studios where a

famous visitor from Eastern Europe is waiting.

Boris Kotovsky, a man whose mission to this country has been headline news for

the past few days.

Mr. Kotovsky's untiring efforts to bring about a better understanding between

East and West have deservedly earned him the title the Peacemaker.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased and proud to welcome Boris Kotovsky.

Good evening.

I have been asked here this evening to tell you, quite informally, the purpose

of my mission to this country.

It is simple.

To seek and create a better understanding between East and West.

I think, I hope, I may have succeeded. My talks with your

ministers of state have been fruitful, particularly fruitful.

I have been overwhelmed and warmed by my reception here, by the eagerness with

which the hand of friendship has been extended, and on behalf of my country, I

have grasped it gratefully.

Now my greatest wish is that with a better understanding, we will find a new

attitude between our countries, a unity, a friendship, and finally, peace.

asking?

Packed his bags, went back across the wall, closed the door behind him.

Well, wouldn't you?

Humiliated in front of ten million viewers.

We're not going to be able to hush it up this time. This time?

Well, there have been other incidents.

Sneezing powder at government receptions, plastic spiders in an

soup, and something quite outrageous in a diplomat's bed.

Nowhere seems to be sacrosanct now, not even the House of Lords.

Whoopee cushion under the wool sack.

Some of them took it as a vote of thank you.

It's all very childish, but very damaging.

You're expecting trouble, so that's why we're here.

It's over an oil treaty, isn't it?

And if anything goes wrong... What could go wrong?

the oil treaty a pretty poor joke pretty expensive too 50 million pounds in oil

concessions foot have you any idea who's behind these incidents there's one

likely suspect the honorable john clabberley cartney whenever one of these

functions misfires the honorable john is usually in the vicinity either before

during or just after the event i think i'll look up one or two of his friends

lord darcy for instance what about the honorable john i'll leave him to you

Come in, Darcy.

We're quite alone.

You can talk.

I tried the door.

Then I heard you playing.

Mrs. Peel.

Mrs. Emma Peel.

Mrs.? I've come here to appeal to you, Mr. Cartney.

You'd certainly do that.

A charity appeal, Mr. Cartney.

Would you like a drink, Mrs. Peel?

No, thank you.

You were saying?

I may have a charity list.

I'd like to feel I have your support.

You have it.

500 guineas? Mr. Cartney. A thousand.

Your eyes have a remarkable depth.

Will you dine with me tonight?

A thousand guineas is most generous.

Tomorrow night?

I'll pick you up whatever you say.

I'm sorry I'm busy.

But I shall be most grateful for your donation.

Now.

Remarkable debt.

Sure you won't change your mind.

I could order dinner at the Shaw's Bank, catch a plane to Paris this afternoon.

Dinner will be waiting for us.

I am busy, but thank you for the donation.

By the way, what the devil am I contributing to?

A home for wayward girls.

John! Oh, I thought you were alone.

May I present Mrs. Peel, Lord Duffy.

How do you do? How do you do?

John. Yes, yes, of course.

Will you excuse us a moment? Some rather dreary business about the estates. I

was leaving anyway.

Well, Darcy.

I went to the jolly old place, John. I did everything you said.

And it's all arranged?

Yes.

Arranged. There.

Willie will tell you. There was no hitch at all. No trouble.

Good. Excellent.

You've done well, Darcy.

Thank you, John.

You'd better go.

We'll meet later.

I say, it's going to be quite a joke, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Quite a joke.

Horace!

Horace!

Oh, how do I look? Oh, lovely, sir.

Really lovely.

Will you be back for dinner, sir?

I couldn't say.

I'll be back later this evening, that's all I can tell you.

Right, sir.

Rubber scissors.

What do you make of them?

Well, I couldn't make a paper dolly.

How did you get on with Cartney?

He gave me a check for a thousand guineas. Really?

Charity donation.

Oh, generous.

And handsome.

And dynamic.

Very compelling.

Quite fascinating.

We got on rather well.

And whilst you were agog with each other, did you find out anything else?

No.

Well, there was an entry in his diary which didn't quite make sense. What was

that? It said today, 4 .30, friendship.

Friendship?

The hall of friendship dedicated to peace between nations.

Of course.

And it's being opened today.

At 4 .30.

Some bigwig is due to cut the tape.

And there, too, just... Just coming into the picture, the ceremonial scissors

which His Excellency will soon use to cut this tape and declare this fine new

building open.

Help!

I've lost the picture.

The aerial.

Oh.

Those are the ceremonial scissors especially forged for this occasion.

Made from steel, rested from the foothills of Wales.

How much further is it?

About half a mile.

Well, it's darking.

Let's hope we get there in time to stop it.

This hall, this great hall of friendship, falls quiet as the scissors

to His Excellency.

And he accepts.

In a few moments, it will be over.

In a few moments, His Excellency will cut the tape and formally declare this

hall open.

He cannot fail to be moved by the solemnity of this occasion.

And finally he moves to the tape.

He pauses.

The introductions and speeches are over.

And we are nearing the big moment.

And now the scissors are raised and... His Excellency has fallen. A gush of

sparks. There's something wrong. People are running in.

We are returning you to the studio.

Well, it's no joke anymore.

Mr. Darcy.

My lord.

You're all wet, sir.

Here, you'd better get this off.

Here we are, sir.

Catch a nasty chill that way.

You're soaked right through, sir.

You've been walking in the rain.

Couldn't you find a taxi, then?

Don't you worry, sir. A nice hot cup of cocoa...

You all right, sir?

I'll have that cocoa for you in a jiff.

Darcy here.

Look, I must see you.

Oh, Darcy, no, I'm afraid I can't. I'm rather busy.

But I must.

Look, Darcy, I've told you, I'm busy.

I'm afraid he can't wait.

Look, Darcy, if you have a complaint to make, bring it up at the proper time of

the meeting tonight.

There we are, sir.

A nice cup of steaming hot cocoa.

Take it away.

Sir? I'm going out to my club. Well, there's your costume, sir. Not that

My club in town.

Take the rest of the evening off. Yes, sir.

Darcy and Cartney, they're both involved.

Oh, we don't know for sure that they are.

I think I'll find Darcy.

Try and get him talking.

You exert your feminine wiles on Cartney.

All right.

Now.

Ooh.

I have to get ready.

Johnny.

You're insatiable, aren't you?

You don't have to go just yet.

I've told you, darling, when I say we do something, we do it.

Lord Darcy, isn't it?

Of course it is. Nice to see you again. Do you remember we met at that

excruciating house party given by Lady Walken?

Six of her ladyship's corgis savaged Sir Maurice Plumtree as he tried to coax

some bees out of the asparagus beds with his flute last year.

Oh, yes, I think so.

Thought you would.

I hope you don't mind my saying so.

But you really don't look up to par.

What have you been up to? Eh?

Eh?

I'm looking for Mr. Cartney.

He isn't here.

I'll tell him you called.

I'd rather wait, if you don't mind.

I'm afraid he's busy. He won't have time to deal. He's expecting me.

Mrs. Peel, this isn't a surprise.

Half expected.

Oh, this is Miss Bradley.

How do you do?

If you're busy, I... No, no, no, not at all.

There's no reason why you shouldn't stay on.

It might amuse you to see the fun.

It's a sort of club that I helped to form. We're meeting here tonight.

What sort of club?

Well, it's slightly unusual.

Why don't you come along, please?

I ought not to be telling you this.

You can trust me. After all, we're old friends, aren't we?

It was a joke.

Rubber scissors.

It was just a joke.

You were supposed to change the scissors.

Well, no.

No, that was Willie's job.

My partner was just to get him in there. How did you manage that?

Got an uncle on the committee.

Pinched his keys.

My job was to get Willie into the place.

It was only supposed to be a joke.

I never intended anybody to get killed.

Of course not. But why did you play the joke in the first place? What was the

idea behind it?

Darcy. Why did you play the joke?

Oh, I had to.

Everyone has to.

It's one of the rules of the club.

Club? What club?

The Hellfire Club.

Hellfire.

and scald, combust, and crackle, until we are inflamed, roasted, toasted,

grilled, and cauterized, until our bones crumble into that demoniac

heat, that fire, that Hades, that realm of Pluto,

that unblessed

limbo.

That purgatory.

That pit.

Our pleasure. This is my guest of honor for the evening.

My Lords Carthagin, Ragland, and Lacon.

Ma 'am, I pledge this good steel to thee.

Prithee, sit down.

Prithee, sit down.

Oh, Willie, you are ill -mannered.

Prithee, would you care to teach him better manners?

Willie's our champion duelist.

Sabres, swords, pistols. He's come through quite a few skirmishes.

Haven't you, Willie?

Pretty sit down, ma 'am.

kind of you must be an awful nuisance not at all you do the same for me i

don't suppose you ever need it you don't go making a silly ass of yourself do

you oh you just get some rest steve you don't think i had

anything to do with that murder do you no i think you were duped

You know, Steed, talking to you has helped me a lot.

It's shown me what I have to do.

I'm very grateful.

We'll talk about that later.

First, I'll fix you up with my patent hangover cure.

I call it National Anthem.

Soon gets you on your feet.

Now, one dose of this and you'll...

Thank you.

Try to recreate exactly the days of the original Hellfire Club.

The same atmosphere, excitement, and, of course, the same pleasures.

A man controlled his destiny by the strength of his arm, the skill of his

and the wit of his pen.

And the divine right of his bird.

And women?

Oh,

we have vessels of pleasure.

I see.

Do I detect a note of disapproval?

God, me.

I want to see you, Cartney.

Well, see me then.

You used me.

You planned the whole thing that way.

The Roberts sisters were just an excuse.

Shut up! I'm not going to shut up.

We're going to talk about it. All right.

But at the proper time.

I call a special meeting.

Now.

A special meeting of the superior members is called.

Excuse me.

You realize what it means to challenge an assembly of superiors?

Superiors? A lot of nonsense.

The complainant will stand on the circle of justice.

All right.

But if you think I'm going to... The assembly of superiors is now convened.

complainant will please state his name.

You know my name.

The complainant will please state his name.

Look. I'm not playing any more of your silly games.

I just want an explanation, that's all.

Why you and Cartney and the rest of you plotted a murder.

A filthy, rotten murder.

And involved me.

Well, why?

I just thought I'd give you a chance to say something.

Before I went to the authorities and told them the truth.

Well.

He wasn't at all a bad chap.

Misguided, perhaps.

He was drowned.

They did it, I'm sure of it.

Cartney and his superior members. What about this club?

Well, it's a recreation of the original Hellfire Club. On the surface, it's

innocent enough, dressing up, play acting.

But beneath the surface... When can I join?

Right now, perhaps.

Mrs. Peel?

He came to pay his last respects.

You knew Lord Darcy?

A passing acquaintance.

Tragic accident.

Yes. Did warn him about it.

But he would do it.

Bad timing, too.

He was just about to introduce me to your club.

I told Mr. Steed you'd be sure to agree.

Well, you could present yourself to the assembly here tonight and see what they

say, Mr. Steed.

Gentlemen. The first thing on the agenda is the initiation of a new member.

Do we know him?

Mrs. Peel does.

Well, that's good enough for me.

But he still has to undergo an examination.

Of course, of course.

Who is he, anyway?

Steed. John Steed.

He's waiting outside, will he, would you?

Good evening, gentlemen.

Welcome to Hellfire Hall.

You still wish to become a member of this illustrious club?

I do, indeed.

Are you aware of its functions?

More or less, I think. We believe in the power of evil, Mr. Steed.

We believe in the ultimate sins.

Have you ever committed an ultimate sin, Mr. Steed? No.

But I'm always open to suggestions.

Give our guests a drink.

The goblet we reserve for our special guest.

Right, now.

To the brim, Willie!

Mustn't let our guest think that we are ungenerous. Perish the thought.

Mr. Teed, it is customary for us to drink a toast upon the introduction of a

member.

We drain our glasses to its glory.

Tell fire!

Tell fire!

Tell fire!

Gentlemen.

Do you mind?

The drive down seems to have given me quite a thirst.

Thank you.

Yes, you've achieved a measure of popularity already.

Good.

All that remains is for me to welcome you as a member of the Hellfire Club.

Absolutely. How do you do?

Rags and flames.

Welcome. Once you pass the ultimate test.

Now, look, Cartman, we don't normally... I'm sure Mr... He won't object to

another test.

Not at all.

Whatever it may be.

Whatever it may be.

Fetch it.

Observe.

A single, solitary...

dried peas.

Roger is somewhat of an expert with that.

His accuracy and speed is something to marvel at.

What?

Ready?

Now.

An impressive performance.

Very. Fast and accurate.

Terribly accurate.

Do you think you could beat him?

Do you think you could remove the P before the act falls?

That is the test.

When I give the signal.

Personally, I think Roger is unbeatable.

So does Willie.

He tried it once.

For a bet.

But you might be luckier.

Remove that before... Exactly.

Now you know what the test is. Perhaps you'd like to withdraw.

No, no, no.

Are you ready, Roger?

when I give the signal.

Well done.

Do you mind?

I could use this in my whistle.

Thank you very much indeed. Very clever, very clever.

Welcome to the club. It's a pleasure to join.

That I should have tried myself.

Congratulations, Steve. You're one of us now. Thank you. Tomorrow is the night

of all sins. The night of all sins? Yes, I hope we'll see you.

Couldn't keep me away.

Gentlemen, let us get on to something much more serious and the final item on

the agenda.

So far, our plan of anarchy is taking effect.

We have successfully embarrassed the government, caused a great deal of

within it, and what is more important, upset negotiations.

So far, so good.

The time has come for something much more important.

A coup.

So outrageous that the whole country will be up in arms.

It is simple, direct.

And deadly.

And we'll put it into operation tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow evening?

But that's the night of... Exactly.

Our activities here will cover up the whole operation.

I'll give you the details then. Make sure you're all here at least half an

before our guests arrive.

Your box.

Intact. Save for a pinch or two.

Aren't you ready yet, Steve?

Just coming, Mrs. Phil.

The first time I've had to wait for a man to get ready.

Ah, you're judging man by 20th century standards.

Now, if it were 200 years ago... Odd bodykin.

Stop me, Vitals. This is what the well -dressed rake is wearing this year.

I shall have to retain an upright posture all evening.

May I say you're uncommon handsome, ma 'am?

Uncommon handsome.

Thank you, sir.

Steve, what's going to happen tonight? The night of all sins. Something big is

brewing. Something big.

Ooh.

Come with me. Tommy, no.

Have you

seen anything suspicious?

No, not suspicious.

Farrow, Carton's ex might know something.

Where is Carton? I haven't seen him.

Careful.

Closer than a catacomb. Think a battleship. So glad you could both come.

And you're looking very attractive. But not quite right for what I had in mind

for you. Let these ladies -in -waiting take you away and put on something more

appropriate. Oh, but I'd much rather... Enjoying yourself?

Well, I was.

There you are. I thought you'd run off and left me.

Everybody runs off and leaves me.

No, but you won't leave.

You'll look after me. Yes, I'll look after you.

Oh, it's fabulous, isn't it?

And that's an exact replica of the original

Hellfire Club.

In more ways than one.

That's what John says.

Courtney, what did he say?

I told you.

An exact replica of the Hellfire Club. In more ways than one. What do you mean

by that?

You were saying about the Hellfire Club.

You dance divinely.

Sarah, what did John say about the club?

Now, you must know about the original Hellfire Club.

It was formed in 1759, indulged in activities like this, attracted all the

influential men of the time. It became political, powerful, and for a while the

Hellfire Club controlled the whole country.

Topple the government, then take over.

That's what John says.

Oh, you're too intellectual.

I want a drink.

Did John say how he meant to topple the government?

Oh, I told you.

Tunnels.

Under here.

Catacombs and tunnels.

Well, one of them leads to Culverston House.

Now, you must have heard of that. Oh, yes, I've heard of that. There's a

meeting there tonight.

Not for long.

One big bang and they're all gone. Excuse me.

The witching hour.

And as a sign of that hour, as a symbol of all that is evil, as the epitome and

purveyor of this night of sins, I give you the queen of sins.

Mrs. Peel!

She is yours to do with what you win.

The house is flat.

He's right, you know.

Gentlemen, it appears that we have a spy in our midst.

You know the penalty for spies.

But never let it be said that we lack a sense of fair play.

You'll be given a chance against Willie here.

The choice of weapons is yours.

Feather dusters at 400 yards.

Sold. The choice of time is yours. Right now. Here. No holds barred. Without

interference. To the death.

The terms are agreed, then.

Horace will be your second, I'm sure. Thank you.

Mr. Greger, sir.

To the death of the deed. No hold barred.

Very impressive.

Now, what do you like for the big boys?

this mode of travel, can you?

Desperately can't beat it.

That damned horse miscarriage. Just bad.

Can't possibly last.

Giddy up. Giddy up.