Original subtitles

[* bright music playing]

[cars honking]

[indistinct street chatter]

[lawyer] So Anne St. Marie.

Address, 386 Dupont Street, apartment 6F.

Profession, retired poetry professor.

- Mm. - And Madeline St. Marie.

Address, the same.

Profession, bicycle messenger.

And Madeline is your granddaughter.

And you would like to initiate adoption proceedings?

So you would like to adopt your adult granddaughter

so that she's legally your daughter?

That's right.

How long have you lived here?

[Anne] 1972.

Ah.

Rent control.

Yeah. And the lease stipulates that it can only be passed on

to a spouse or child?

Otherwise, the rent could be raised

to current market value.

Oh, I don't, I don't know. I-I'd have to check.

[* bright music continues]

♪

Well, in that case, I suppose we should start

on that adoption paperwork.

[* bright music continues]

[Maddy] Three months.

Why does it gotta take three months?

I had to grease a few palms to get it through that fast.

It usually takes six.

When are you home tonight?

- 6:30. - Yeah, well,

don't be late for "Jeopardy!" again.

Nana, come on.

Guy got hit by a waffle truck last night.

It's a one-time thing.

Hey, Otto. When are you going to fix the hallway lights?

When you going to kiss my ass

for living in such a palatial apartment

for a pittance?

You know how much I could be charging for that place?

Yep. Rent control's a bitch, ain't it?

Well, it takes one to know one, you old crone.

[bell clanging]

Oh.

Oh, um, go ahead, please.

Well, it's the best one.

- You should have it. - No. Please, I-I insist

I have taken the plum that was at the fruit stand,

which you were probably eyeing for breakfast.

You are forgiven.

It looks delicious.

So sweet and so cold.

♪ Dream of ♪

♪ Dream away ♪

♪ Dream your dream ♪

♪ Forever ♪

Real asshole, that William Carlos Williams.

Steal someone's plum and then write a poem about it?

Yeah. He was the worst.

[chuckles]

[Ken Jennings] [on TV] Big Beefhead was one nickname

for this late 19th century president.

Who was Grover Cleveland?

[Ken] Grover Cleveland. Good for a thousand.

- Back to you. - [contestant] Off, 1,000.

[Ken] Kick out the R from a pile of stones

on a hiking trail and wander aimlessly.

Nana, you okay?

What should we watch after this?

Uh, "Michael Clayton."

Nana, you always want to watch "Michael Clayton."

It's the perfect movie.

[contestant] What is Nova Scotia?

[Ken] You got it.

[contestant] Wild lines, 200.

[* bright music playing]

[door lock clicks]

Nana, I'm home early.

[Anne screams]

[Maddy] Nana?

Nana?

Nana? Oh, what the...

[Anne screaming]

- What the... - [spray hisses]

- [women screaming] - Oh, fuck! Oh!

Looked at Grandma's pussy eyes! God!

Here.

This is my girlfriend, Kate.

Kate Forster. Hello.

Sorry.

We really didn't expect you till later.

Oh, yeah, no, careful.

I don't think you should scrub.

I-it's more of a dab.

I think I got it.

Thank you so much, Kate Forster.

Okay, well, I'm sensing a little bit of hostility.

Does it make you uncomfortable

my relationship with your grandmother?

Yeah. It's-it's-it's walking in

on my nana having sex with a stranger

that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Mitten, I, I understand this is a shock.

I think it just,

I haven't really pictured you

in a romantic context outside of Grandpa, so...

No, I loved your grandpa very much.

It's just, when I was younger,

I, I dated quite a few people,

men and women,

and it's been a joy for me

to reconnect with that part of myself.

Nana, if you're happy, I'm happy.

Really?

Well, you still seem kind of upset.

It's probably from the pepper spray, Kate.

And you know what? Now that this Band Aid's been torn off,

I've been waiting for the right moment

to bring this up.

I've asked Kate to move in with us.

[Kate exclaims]

It's going to be fun, roomie.

[* ominous music playing]

- I'm not the guy that you kill. I'm the guy that you buy. - [persistent tapping]

Are you so fucking blind you don't even see what I am?

I'm the easiest part of your whole goddamn problem,

and you're going to kill me?

- [loud chewing] - Don't you know who I am? I'm a fixer.

[paper rustling]

[Michael Clayton] ...shoplifting housewives to bent congressmen

and you're going to kill me?

[sighs] Anything wrong, Maddy?

No, nothing's wrong.

Just trying to... watch the movie.

This movie is dumb.

All they do is talk.

I mean, I can't even follow the plot.

They talk in movies.

And it's also because you're not paying attention.

- I mean-- - Girls. Girls!

Please.

It's fine.

It's just a movie.

- [woman] One second. - [man] Everything okay?

[Michael] You're so fucked.

What?

You're fucked.

- [Anne] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! - [bed rattling, creaking]

Yes! Yes! [moans]

[women moaning]

[* ominous music playing]

[multiple locks clicking]

I need you to do something for me.

- [* ominous music continues] - [paper rustles]

[machines rattling]

[file thumps]

Ah, Maddy.

Delicates day for you as well?

Am I meant to pick up this folder?

Look inside?

What might it contain?

"Jeopardy!" clues?

[Maddy] Your name isn't Kate Forster.

It's Amelia Peek.

And you're a liar and a felon.

Pieces of paper could never contain

the totality of a human life.

I don't care about the totality of your life.

I care about your prison record

and the three warrants you have out for your arrest.

Admit it. You're after my nana's incredible rent-controlled apartment.

When I see your nana,

I see her beauty...

and her wonderful mind

and her endless capacity for sensual delights.

And quite frankly, it concerns me

that when you look at her,

all you see is a nice, cheap apartment.

Yeah. I ain't buying that shit.

You're an absolute fraud.

You're going to break it off and you're going to leave town now.

Or?

Or I'm sure the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension

will be very interested to learn your whereabouts.

[washing machine chiming]

[machine whirring]

Do you think it's wise...

to threaten the person in this packet?

[* ominous music playing]

You don't know me or what I've done...

or what I'm capable of.

[* ominous music continues]

Stay away from my nana.

- [soda fizzes] - Wowza.

That spin cycle is really something else.

Get the fuck out of town.

Okay, you win. I'll go.

But can you just give me a couple days to say goodbye?

I want to let Anne down gently.

You can have one day.

[door opens, slams shut]

[soda fizzing]

♪ Dream of ♪

♪ Dream away ♪

♪ Dream your dream ♪

♪ Forever and a day ♪

♪ If I could build a dream ♪

♪ And make my dream come true ♪

♪ I'd like to be ♪

♪ On a ship that's sailing ♪

♪ Around the world all alone with you ♪

♪ If I could make a wish ♪

♪ I'd make my wish... ♪

[Maddy] You said you'd do it at 3. It's now 3:05.

- Hmm. - Quit stalling.

Alright. Alright.

I just have some laundry in the wash.

Would you mind advancing it for me?

I'm not doing your fucking laundry.

I just need a minute alone with her, okay?

And then I'll be out of your hair... forever.

- Hey, Nana? - Yeah.

I'm just going to pop down and do some laundry, okay?

- Okay, Mittens. Love you. - I love you too.

[* ominous music playing]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[door thuds]

[sighs]

[* ominous music continues]

[washer chiming]

[washer rumbling]

- [Maddy coughing] - [washer rumbling]

[gasping]

[handle rattling]

[* music swells, stops]

What do you think about putting in a breakfast nook?

Hmm. Could be nice.

[* gentle music playing]

♪

[Charlie Cale] I think this is going to be good for me.

I got a good feeling about this.

[Good Buddy] [on radio] New York City? Please explain.

Well, here's my working theory.

Everywhere I go, I get sucked into other people's bullshit.

Well, but here, the sheer volume of people,

I mean, just the amount of bullshit.

Well, I suspect it might work like some kind of a,

I don't know, white noise machine.

And, me, I can just be a person.

Now you're sure I'm not putting you out, right?

[Good Buddy] I haven't lived in Brooklyn for years.

I keep it as a tax write-off.

My poor pillows go unrumpled.

Eh. Okay, well, I'll be sure to rumple 'em good for you.

Good morning.

Hi.

Wow.

Hey. Hey, there.

Uh, those getting, uh,

scalloped or mashed or... Ow.

You're right. None of my business.

Ours is not to reason why so many potatoes.

See you.

[* bright music playing]

Oh ho! Home is where the mustard is.

Who are you? Are you subletting?

Subletting is strictly forbidden.

No, I'm, uh... I'm just, uh...

I'm cat sitting for my Good Buddy.

He has a pet? That is so much worse.

No, no, I said cactus sitting. Cactus. Uh...

You didn't let me finish. I, uh...

Yeah, s-so I'm just here to water his succulents.

So you're not staying here?

Absolutely not.

Fine. But cacti famously don't require a lot of water.

So I shouldn't see you around here

for at least another 10 days.

Okay, I-I-I will put that on my calendar, commendatore.

[lock clicks]

Phew. Geez.

[door thuds]

Oh, yes.

- [keys jingle] - [sighs]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Huh.

- [door thuds] - [sighs]

[sighs]

[footsteps tapping rhythmically]

Hmm.

[humming]

[* bright music playing]

Gosh, Abdul, this is really some place you got here.

I mean, you got smoothies, uh, chainsaws, cheese

as far as the eye can see.

Snow globes.

Yeah. You think I could get a job here?

I don't know who you are.

Oh, I'm Charlie, Charlie Cale, just lookin' for a job.

[customer] Excuse me, sir.

I bought this cantaloupe here earlier,

and it is just completely unacceptable.

That's bullshit.

[Abdul] I'm sorry. Do you want another?

No, what I'd like is to exchange it for four mangoes.

I think it's perfectly fair.

Also bullshit.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Hmm.

Help? Um, uh...

You're fine.

Honestly, your fruit scams are your business.

Well, maybe it could be our business.

Let me buy you a pasta dinner.

I want to know everything there is to know about you.

Oh, gosh.

You don't mean that but, uh, flattered nonetheless.

Oh, you got a keen sense of the truth, huh?

You're what I like to call a eagle-eyed Jim.

An Honest Thomas.

And other things, I'm sure.

Lucille Lambchop. Thanks, Abdul. See you.

Alright.

[* bright music playing]

[Otto] Hey, cactus lady.

Hey!

I'm talking to you.

I still see you.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit.

[sighs] God.

Did you shut that door?

Uh, yeah. Sorry. Why?

[door rattling]

[sighs]

This place is a death trap.

The landlord doesn't fix a goddamn thing.

Uh, Otto, right? Well, that's the guy I was fleeing.

It turns out I guess he doesn't really like subletters, so, uh...

Geez, man. Shit.

How do we get out of here?

What are you doing?

I'm a bike messenger, so prepared for anything.

Packages and stuff.

- Fucking Otto. - Right.

Fucking Otto.

This is like Chernobylicious, huh?

[machine chimes]

[machine rattling]

- [cup thuds] - [Charlie] Jesus!

[sighs] Spin cycle on these things is bananas.

Seems so. Seems so.

Okay. Sorry about that. Sorry about the door.

You know, I'm new here, and I don't know protocol.

I don't really know the protocol

because I'm not supposed to be living here anyway.

[exhales forcefully]

- I'm Charlie, by the way. - Maddy.

Hey, Maddy.

So you've been here living here a while?

A couple years. I live with my nana.

Um, she's been here forever.

Parents kicked me out in high school,

and she took me in.

[pin clangs]

[door creaks]

[door thuds]

Do you like "Jeopardy!"?

Well, it sure has a way of finding me.

I can't say I like it.

Though there is something invigorating

about confronting your own mortality.

I meant the game show.

Oh.

Well, Yeah. Fuck yeah.

[all] Who is Buckminster Fuller?

[Ken] Buckminster Fuller is the dome guy.

- That's correct. - [audience cheering]

What a life, huh?

It's just like,

honeydew, "Jeopardy!." What more could you want?

Well, we could watch "Michael Clayton" for the 800th time.

Oh, perfect movie.

I knew I liked you.

Yeah.

Man, Anne, this is, like, some place, huh?

What are you, an oligarch or something?

Retired poetry professor.

I've been in here since the early '70s though.

And it's rent controlled.

Holy holy grail of apartments.

We're trying to work it so we can keep the cheap rent forever.

So Nana's going to adopt me.

- [Anne] Mm-hmm. - Wow. No shit?

Oh, I can't wait to see the look

on Otto's face when he finds out.

- [Ricardo] Yoo-hoo? - In here.

Sorry I'm late.

- Had to pick the right mango. - Ooh.

Thank you.

And you are?

Ah, Charlie.

New to the building, but don't tell Otto.

Charlie, do you have your library card yet?

- Huh? - [Anne] Uh-oh. Here we go.

- What? - Ricardo's a very passionate librarian.

[Ricardo] It's not just my job, it's my calling.

If you ever need something researched, I'm your guy.

Wow. So Ricardo, you're like a walking, talking epitome

of don't judge a book by its cover, huh?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, are they, uh...

- are they hiring? - Uh, kind of.

Downside is the librarians' union is so corrupt.

Dude, do you need a job? You should have asked me.

- I can hook you up. - [Charlie] Oh, it's going to be alright.

I did see a, a flyer

for a remote work opportunity, so...

Stop sign, person.

Stop sign, person.

Stop sign.

Stop sign, person.

Stop sign.

Stop sign, person.

- Hello. - Person.

Oh, sorry!

Uh, do you want this coffee?

Do I want this coffee?

It's just a regular black coffee,

and they accidentally made me two

and you just kind of look sad at your laptop,

dead-eyed, tapping.

Me? No, no, no. I...

Hey, I-I'll have you know that,

well, I am a bonafide CAPTCHA technician.

Yeah. You see? So I basically, I decide

what's stop signs and what's not all day.

I mean, it is dirty work,

but, you know, somebody's gotta do it.

Sure.

Not coffee. It's not coffee.

Butterscotch pumpkin mochaccino.

They messed it up.

I am so sorry.

Oh. And I said it was black coffee and I lied. That's awful.

Ah, no, no, it's fine.

You're trying to do something nice and, and you didn't lie.

- They-they-they messed it up. - I can return it.

Mm. Mm.

It's growing on me.

Well, leave it to me to fuck up a random act of kindness.

Pay it forward, I guess.

Crosswalk.

Building.

Firetruck.

Crowd.

Everyone, if I could have your attention.

There was an accident involving toxic chemicals

in the laundry room.

We should all steer clear for a few days.

Hi. Hey. You said we?

Sure. I live here.

Micky, 1G.

Oh, wow. Uh, 1G.

Hey, I'm GG.

So I'm right below you.

Who's the tap dancer?

That would be me.

Oh, boy. You're a real John Bubbles, huh?

I had a short-lived off-Broadway career,

but now I just do it to relieve stress sometimes.

Oh yeah, of course. Do you ever miss the limelight?

Sometimes. This pays the bills.

I got a wife and kid now.

Could you tell me what happened?

Hey, Micky, need a hand here.

- See ya. - It's a freak accident, apparently.

Tenant was doing laundry,

spilled some bleach on some descaler,

and the sodium hypochlorite reacted

with the phosphoric acid and created chlorine gas.

The broken lock meant the tenant was trapped inside.

Gosh, they died?

- Yes. - Jesus.

Also, are you a chemist or something?

'Cause that was a very detailed breakdown.

No, no.

I was an investigative journalist

for "The Observer" before I got blackballed

after sucker punching Rex Reed.

- No shit? - Then I did a stint

as managing editor at "Vague" before retiring.

Oh, "Vogue." I mean, that's a big deal.

No, no. "Vague" magazine. Different publication.

Ah. What's that one about?

This and that.

Hey, do you know who the tenant was?

No, but I knew her grandmother, Anne.

She's lived here forever.

[* somber music playing]

Oh, geez.

Oh, shit.

[knocking on door]

[Kate] Oh, hello again.

Nice fruit.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

I'm, uh, I'm looking for Anne.

Mm. She's in mourning right now.

Yeah, I know. It's, uh... It's awful. I, uh...

I came by to say how sorry I was.

By bringing a pineapple?

Oh, I, uh...

Yeah, I remember that Anne likes fruit.

And someone did something nice for me,

told me to pass it on. I...

A pineapple of condolence.

A lovely gesture. She'll be very touched.

Yeah. Sorry. So sorry.

Just, uh, you said you're a friend of Anne's?

We're engaged actually.

- Bullshit. - Excuse me?

Sorry. Forget it. I...

None of my business.

Oh, that's right.

You're a savvy one.

Eagle-eyed Jim.

Well, we're going to be engaged.

- Ah. - Very soon.

You said you, you live here?

But it's nuts, I, uh...

I was here a few weeks ago. I thought, uh,

I thought it was just Anne and Maddy.

Recent development.

Thanks for the pineapple.

[door thuds]

Those must be some thirsty cacti.

Either that or you are a liar.

A dirty, filthy, subletting liar.

You have a lot of nerve, okay?

A woman is dead because of you.

Oh, that's baloney.

You refused to fix the lock.

She got stuck, and now her blood is

on your cheapskate hands.

But I did fix the lock.

Huh?

Wait, that's true. What?

[* ominous music playing]

The bleach fell from there

and, uh, well, that must be the descaler,

which I have to say, that sounds like some sort

of a weird torture device for iguanas.

Hmm.

Chernobylicious.

Hey, that bottle was on that shelf.

I recognize the goo.

Oh, the descaler?

I use it on the boiler sometimes.

Okay. So then what's it doing down here?

Clearly someone moved it.

[clicks tongue]

Eh, Otto, I'm going to ask you something,

and I don't want you to take this personally.

Did you murder Maddy?

What? No!

Ah, you didn't.

- Why would I kill her? - I don't know.

Gosh, maybe you were, you know, mad that they were doing

this whole rent-controlled adoption scheme

and you wanted to stop it.

They were running a rent-controlled adoption scheme?

Had I known that, I would've killed her.

Oh, okay. That was not a lie.

So, uh, just so I'm clear, what you're saying is

that you didn't murder Maddy, but you would've.

Totally.

Your candor is alarming.

Uh, okay. Ah...

Look, we both agree this is fishy, right?

I mean, you fix it, and yet it's broken.

Over here, well,

the descaler just flew over here from nowhere.

And anybody that lives here knows this laundry room.

I mean, they know that this, uh, spin cycle is just bonkers.

This isn't the handle I installed.

This is a Schlage F50.

I installed a Schlage F30.

I never would've sprung for an upgraded model.

[Charlie] Oh, I see.

What you're saying is that

whoever bought this Sludge F50,

well, they're the one that set up this whole Rube Goldberg of death?

Who cares? It means I'm not liable.

Now feed the cacti and get out.

[* ominous music playing]

Huh.

I see.

Maybe this will bring you some comfort?

This is all I have left of her now.

I can't believe this has happened.

"The art of losing isn't hard to master."

"Though it might look like disaster."

[sighs]

[paper rustling]

[Kate clears throat]

[* ominous music playing]

Did Maddy have any friends that worked at the library?

Uh, Ricardo in 2B.

Why?

I'm putting together a tribute

and I don't want to leave anybody out.

I'm going to pop out for a few errands.

Do you want anything?

I don't want to stay here anymore.

It's perfectly normal to feel that way.

You've suffered a loss

but just remember, this too shall pass.

[footsteps clacking]

[Charlie] Hey, uh, Abdul. How's it going?

I don't know who you are.

Oh, gosh. You're not lying, but you are a little hurtful.

I am in here a lot

and like to think I have a memorable mug.

Hey, do you remember, um,

did anybody buy one of these doorknobs recently?

Oh, yeah. Schlage F50? Yes, they did.

Oh. Great. Uh, who was it?

I have no idea.

- Eh? - [Abdul] I'm sorry.

I have face blindness.

I can remember people's orders and purchases

but none of their physical characteristics.

Oh, got it.

Well, me, I'm the chopped cheese with pepperoncinis,

extra provolone, side of vape.

Oh, yes, of course. Welcome back.

It's good to see you.

You're one of my favorites.

Ah, that's nice.

So, uh, hey, the person that purchased this doorknob,

you remember their order?

Uh, no, they don't get sandwiches.

But they do buy a lot of fruit.

Does it happen to be a very sweet old lady

who loves poetry?

This is an intense condition.

Uh, so, so you don't know if the person

in question was a 70-year-old woman?

They buy yogurt, nuts, but mostly fruit.

And often they're not happy with the fruit too.

Try to return it for multiples of other fruit.

[doorbell rings]

[chain clinks]

[door thuds]

[knife clicks]

Ricardo, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

I'm bad news.

But you know that

because I read your little book report.

You've been inside?

Yeah, I've been inside all day,

but I'm about to go out.

Inside, like prison inside.

Oh, no.

Then what's with all the tats?

I just love the art of visual storytelling.

Huh.

Well, the first thing you learn inside

is that anyone can be got to, at any time.

Accidents happen.

Have you ever seen "Anatomy of a Fall?"

It's a great dog performance.

But people slip and fall.

But without a witness,

it's impossible to know if it was an accident

or if they were pushed.

[breathing heavily]

Do you understand what I'm saying, Ricardo?

[* ominous music playing]

Are you going to keep your mouth shut?

[whimpering]

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay, good. [chuckles]

[panting]

Hm, this is a nice place.

Is that a William Eggleston?

[knocking on door]

Ah, great, Ricardo.

Hey, I wanted to ask you a couple of questions.

Uh, it's about, uh, Anne's new girlfriend.

You know her, right?

[Ricardo] Um, no. No, I've never met her.

What?

Bullshit.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I'm talking about that,

you know, that uptight chick,

the one with the sketchy energy?

Oh, you know, I don't like to judge books by their cover.

And who does? I mean, I don't judge any books by any covers.

Just, do you know if Katie and Maddy

had, like, a beef or something?

- I just-- - I don't know anything

[Charlie] That's bullshit again.

What is going on with you?

Seriously? Are you mixed up in this somehow?

- [Ricardo] No. - [Charlie] Ricardo,

you know that this Katie chick

is, uh, shady as fuck, right?

I mean, she...

Maddy...

Yeah?

Hey. Hey, Maddy what?

I mean...

[bell ringing]

Ah, geez, Really? Come on.

Ricardo!

Saved by the bell? Ricardo.

[ringing continues]

[* ominous music playing]

Okay, sheesh.

Shush, I hear a fire alarm. Easy.

- Oh, hey. - [Micky] Geez,

feels like I'm working from home these days.

Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine.

So, hey, Micky, what's the, uh, procedure here?

[Micky] We just gotta verify it's a false alarm,

then we'll let everyone back in.

Hey, also, I want to thank you.

After our talk earlier, I realized I do miss the stage.

I'm going out for an audition next week.

Hey, that's great. I'm glad I could help, neighbor.

You ever need a favor, you know where I live.

Or I guess you can call 911.

[chuckles] Yeah. Oh, hey, Micky.

Uh, have you seen, uh, Ricky, Ricky Ricardo, around?

- No. - Nah?

Ah. Hey, Ricky, uh--

I don't know anything.

I don't know shit. Please stop talking to me!

- [scooter rumbling] - Okay.

[scooter buzzing]

I know what you did.

- What did I do? - Y-y-you killed Maddy,

then you rigged the laundry room to make it look like an accident.

And then you, you swapped out the Schleizies, the Schlakes,

the Schal... Schlaze...

You changed the door handles.

Abdul confirmed it.

The face blind store clerk?

It's not what you know, Honest Thomas,

it's what you can prove.

I don't think you're going to find

many willing proof providers.

[* tense music playing]

Jesus.

[muttering]

♪

[lock clicks, door creaks]

[* somber music playing]

[door clicks]

[* piano music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, fuck yeah. This place is so sick.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

What's your polly on renos?

I'd like to install an ice plunge

in the dining room so I can digest at 34 degrees.

- That's my opti-tempy. - Well, of course.

But I should mention there is a broker's fee.

Not a big deal. Just 18 months rent.

Do I look fucking poor to you?

[Otto laughing]

I'm sorry. What's going on here?

[shushing] I'm doing a showing.

So how soon can you move in?

[tenant] How soon can you kick Miss Freckles to the curb?

Anne...

there is a very unpleasant man

traipsing around our living room.

Yeah, I told Otto to list the apartment.

I was gone an hour.

[chuckles] Why would you do that?

I tried to tell you earlier,

I don't want to live here anymore.

You can't decide that unilaterally.

We're supposed to be partners.

It's still my apartment.

Yes, of course.

But we've been talking about getting married,

and then it will be become our apartment.

Don't you think I deserve to be consulted?

Well, we can be married anywhere.

Why does it have to be here?

Let's go see the country.

Anne, come here.

I have seen the country,

and it doesn't get much better

than a sumptuous rent-controlled New York penthouse

with crown molding and two goddamn fireplaces.

I'm sorry, but... I cannot stay here.

It hurts too much.

Okay.

Hey, I get it.

But... Okay.

[clears throat]

Why don't we get married now?

Huh? And then hit the road.

I mean, why wait?

Then we could see the country as a married couple.

I mean, wouldn't that be better?

Oh, I don't know.

I appreciate the sentiment, but...

Okay, okay. Well, you know what, I'm going to go get the paperwork.

Alright? Just wait here.

[* tense music playing]

[knocks on door]

Hey, Anne, I know this is going to sound crazy,

but I, uh, I think you might be in jeopardy.

Darling, I got the forms.

Now all we need is a witness.

Oh.

You again.

Charlie, could Kate and I have a moment alone?

Uh...

Yeah, I'll just, uh, go feed the pigeons.

We don't have pigeons.

Yeah, well, not with that attitude.

Darling, what were you two discussing?

Charlie has an interesting theory.

Oh?

She thinks you're after this apartment

and that you seduced me under false pretenses

so you can marry me and then bump me off.

And she thinks that you concocted this elaborate scheme

to murder my dear beloved granddaughter

because she was going to expose you.

[scoffs]

Do you believe that?

[whispers] She's a crazy person.

Hey. Hey!

I had nothing to do with Maddy's death.

I would do anything to have her back here with us right now.

But she's gone.

And I know the one thing that she would've wanted

is for you not to be alone.

I want to provide for you. I want to marry you.

I'm going to take such good care of you.

We can be happy together... here.

Bu-but Charlie just seems so sure.

She said she was close to finding proof.

Hey, let me handle this.

Why don't you run down to the laundry

and get my clothes out of the dryer

and when you get back, she'll be gone, okay?

I'm not going to let her ruin our new lives together.

In this three bedroom, four bath,

two fireplace apartment in New York for $800 a month.

640.

640.

Wow.

- Okay. - Yeah.

[* tense music playing]

[footsteps clacking]

You're cooked, aren't you?

Well, here's how I figured it out.

First, it was that yellow goo on the descaler.

I knew I'd seen it before--

- [Kate grunts] - [Charlie screaming]

♪ Dream of ♪

♪ Dream away ♪

- ♪ Dream your dream ♪ - [applause]

♪ For ever and a day ♪

- Whoa! - Well done, Charlie!

- Roll to your right. - Gosh!

Hey, Micky, thanks for setting that up for me.

[Micky] No problem. I told you I owe you one.

You're so fucked.

What?

You're fucked.

Uh, uh, darling, w-who's this?

He's my witness.

Charlie was right about you.

And so was Maddy.

You really should have paid attention during "Michael Clayton."

[siren wailing]

[* bright jazzy music playing]

[Charlie] Gosh, I, uh...

Gosh, I'm, uh, I'm real sorry

about Maddy and Kate too, for that matter.

It really sucks when you find out

someone isn't who you thought they were.

Gosh, you're really going to leave this place?

What, to roam the land?

"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,

"gently they go.

"The beautiful, the tender, the kind,

"quietly they go.

"The intelligent, the witty, the brave,

"I know,

"but I do not approve.

And I am not resigned."

I've been here too long anyway.

- Thanks. - [tenant] I don't think you get it.

It's a big-ass bed,

but it's a circle, not a rectangle.

Then we'll just tear out all the wood floors,

replace it with carpet or something more soft

And a shit ton of taxidermy.

But, like, ironic.

Oh, yeah, boys, this place is gonna fuck.

[* bright jazzy music continues]

♪