Original subtitles

Hey, gang, it's Surf Sam on KBLA.

We're just hours away from Halloween night, 1965.

I see that the hangout for the Hollywood Knights, Tubby's Drive-In...

is coming down tonight.

Fellas, don't get bummed out. Remember.. A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

3:29, Beach Boys time.

Man, she saw it. That's great.

What are you doing over there?

I'm doing Dr. Eisner's new facial exercises.

It's wonderful. It keeps your skin circulating. It keeps you young.

It's a bear-lion. You go--

- Doesn't that stretch your skin out? - No, it's circulation. It's great.

It keeps you young, youthful, gorgeous.

- I'm gonna tie my suit to the chair. - Why?

The last time I did that, my tits peeled so much I went from a "B" cup to an "A."

What's that clicking noise?

It's a camera.

You little creep!

What is that? What are you doing?

What are you, crazy?

I'll sue you for trespassing!

Clark, we got a couple of party boys here who love to scare old ladies.

You don't have to work for Scotland Yard to know about this.

- A potato? - In the tailpipe of the chief s car.

Get down!

Look what we got here. Empty egg carton. That tell you anything?

You boys making omelets? What are you laughing at?

You know what I'd like to do to you now, Newbomb?

I'd like to kick the crap out of you.

What's the problem, Officer?

We got it taken care of, sir. Everything's fine.

- No problem. -Just got some punks out here.

Wake up, Bimbeau. I want you to get something straight.

I don't need the captain all over my butt about some rinky-dink drive-in.

Do me a favor, Bimbeau. Don't aggravate the situation.

Everything's under control, Sarge. It's okey-dokey.

Besides, Sarge, as a matter of fact...

if any of those little assholes get out of line, I'll kick the shit out of 'em.

That's exactly what we don't want, Bimbeau.

The drive-in's coming down.

They'll all be gone tomorrow.

We don't need police brutality. Got it?

- Hear that? - Right. Yeah.

Bimbeau, what in the hell is that?

No, no. Here!

Not that house. People have been bad there.

- Mooning! - Mooning!

Mooning, Mr. Katzenberg. Absolutely.

We've all had these disgusting experiences...

with these Hollywood Knights...

and I give you my word...

tonight is the last night the Hollywood Knights...

will ever be in Beverly Hills again.

Isn't that wonderful?

I want to send my husband Jack's apologies to all of you.

He was real sorry he couldn't be here tonight.

He'll be at the pep rally later giving the awards...

and we'll see him at the dance.

What's the song he's got now?

- "Tijuana Taxi." - With the horn honk at the end of it.

What is that supposed to be?

That's popular music.

Where's the story in "beep-beep"? I'll tell you what popular music is--

I know what popular music is.

Starting tomorrow, today will be history--

Horseshit!

Nevans, there's some distracting noise in the kitchen.

Could you see what that is?

That's the Beverly Hills Police Department.

- They're out there with Juanita. - Bullshit!

Take care of it.

I'll see if I can't quiet those people down.

Anyway, Tubby's Drive-In.

This social disease of our neighborhood...

it's enjoying its last night of residence in Beverly Hills.

I knew you'd all be pleased, because all of our--

Thank you.

And one year from today...

this beautiful...

office complex...

will be standing in the old Tubby's Drive-In's place.

I assure you that you and none of the rest of you...

have to worry about the Hollywood Knights any longer.

We won't be hearing from them again.

Go, go, go, go, go!

- I'll get it. -Juanita's busy.

- I'll get the door. It's fine. - No, really, I--

- Well, all right. - Why not?

I need you.

Stand back. Stand back.

Get it! Get it out!

Oh! It's dog shit!

It's dog shit all over you!

Mrs. Freedman!

I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

Juanita, get out here!

Shit.

They finally come.

Nice to see you. Nice of you to come.

Hey, where is everybody?

No problem. I spoke to Wheatly. He'll be here in a minute.

I was talking to Red.

They've been here about 21 years.

He's thinking about moving to New Jersey.

You know, this is compliments of the Beverly Hills Assholes Association.

All the flatheads forever are showing up tonight.

Mr. Wheatly, nice of you to join us.

How you guys doing? Shorty, what's going on?

- Where you been? - Kicking some ass.

- You were kicking ass? - He was kissing ass.

We got all our cars here tonight? Except one.

Yeah, Simpson, when you gonna bring your rail job?

This is the last night.

Where is this flying Purple People Eater you been talking about?

Relax. I gotta wait till my old man goes to sleep so I can wheel it out.

You want me to follow you home? You might be a little nervous.

Everybody is showing.

There is gonna be a ton of lead sleds in the block tonight.

Everybody's gonna think we're a bunch of '50s queers.

How long you got your brother's car?

- For as long as I like. - Sure.

Newbomb, I saw your brother. He's a monster.

Do I look worried?

I see that worried look upon your face

You've got your troubles

I've got mine

- What? - How would I look in a mustache?

- I'd look better than I already do. - Perfect. Perfect jerk.

Jerk? Good-lookin'.

Just like the guys we bust every night.

That's perfect for you.

Lawrence Lawrence of Arabia

He's an English guy

He came to fight the Turkish

Okay, Clark, right there. That's what I'm talking about.

"Lawrence of Arabia" doesn't have any lyrics to it.

- What do you mean, no lyrics? - It's music. Music.

I've seen the movie four times.

And there were no words to it.

There are no words to that! Did you hear what I was singing earlier?

Somewhere I know that somebody, I think, wrote lyrics to this song.

- Horseshit. - Horseshit?

Horseshit. There are no words to it.

Kiss my ass. All right?

Do the fake mustache, mark off another spot and that'll be your ass.

You want me to put an "X" on my ass? You can find it that way.

Pull over. I gotta take a squirt.

These guys are lucky we're leaving them in Watts.

Last year we left them in a bad neighborhood.

These guys are punks.

When I became a Knight, I had to climb a greased pole with eggs up my butt.

I know. You should suffer.

Let's go, guys. Out, out, out.

Everybody out. It's initiation time. Let's go.

- Come on, man. - Let's go.

This is not a party. You want a party, come back after initiation.

Get against the car. Outta sight.

- Okay, drop 'em. - What?

- Get your clothes off!. - Strip, man!

- You should be proud to be Knights. - Don't give me that look.

You're lucky. We used to tar and feather the pledges.

Wheatly, look. That looks like a penis, only smaller.

Hey, listen, go in the back there.

I want the tires out of the truck, the clothes in.

What are we gonna do with the tires?

Here's the plan: I want to see you and the tires back at Tubby's at 2:00.

If you're not back by 2:00, I don't want to see you back at all.

Because at 2:00 I expect to hear the dedication over the radio...

that you've delivered the message to the deejay at the record store.

Are we set there, gentlemen? Very, very good.

Gentlemen, good-bye, good luck. Think of this as a great adventure.

It's Halloween, jack-off. Let's have some fun.

Take off your shorts!

- They're gonna leave us naked in Watts? - Where's the record store?

Come see me, I'm broadcasting live...

from Music City in the heart of Watts tonight.

Guess who's coming in now? It's time for Dr. J. All right.

KBLA and Surf Sam getting up and making way for who else but Dr. J.

Thank you, my man Surfin' Sam.

Hey, Dr. J., KBLA, Halloween night, 1965.

The funkiest you have ever heard.

I'm gonna hit you hard with "Sherry" by the Four Seasons right now.

- What time is it? - 8:30.

- Maybe the chicks aren't coming. - Shut up!

This is our secret spot. Nobody knows about it.

Stop worrying. We're alone. Nobody knows we're here.

I can't believe we're doing this.

If my mom ever found out I was changing into this outfit, I would just die.

My God.

Don't forget to take your bra off.

- I read about a new bust exercise. - Really? Where?

In Vogue magazine.

Especially from Europe. I paid six dollars for it.

Does that feel good. Freedom at last.

I'd hate to get caught without a bra in a car accident.

Oh, is this exciting.

- My pants are too tight. - Take your underwear off.

What's wrong with you? Hurry up and change before somebody does come.

- I'm ready. - We gotta hurry to the pep rally.

Watch out!

Oh, my God! What are you doing there?

- Get out of here! What are you, crazy? - I don't believe it!

Get out of here! I can't stand you!

You're such a punk!

Here comes Bimbeau. Get up, man! Here he comes.

I wanna tell you buttholes something.

This shit is way out of line.

You squirrels better have some nuts in your mouth...

or you're going downtown.

What the hell's the difference? Huh?

I gotta have a nighttime job so I can be free during the day.

I almost forgot. You're gonna be a famous actress.

That's what pisses you off, isn't it? That I might become somebody.

I think you're somebody right now.

Oh, shit, come on.

I gotta start looking after tonight, anyway.

You're right. You should find a job right away so you don't starve to death.

What should I do?

You're gonna start college in January, you got a part-time job at Smitty's.

Right.

Hey, it's not my fault you're a car hop.

You think I like them jerks making wise-ass cracks about my girl all night?

You? I'm the one who's gotta put up with it.

I gotta get in there.

I'll talk to you later.

If I can't get off early, are you gonna wait for me?

I gotta tell Red.

I don't know.

Shit.

Hey, that's the car James Dean drove, man.

- Bitchin'. - He had two of these.

These things handle real well. You can take a corner outrageous.

Probably gonna take the coast road up too.

All curvy, beautiful.

'57.

Try using the handle, Clark.

Okay, here we go.

- Okay, wienerschnitzels. - It's just a cop.

Let's get these overpriced sewing machines outta here!

-Just a cop that likes to bust balls. - What's that, Newbomb?

I said, you guys stand tall.

We stand tall.

Okay-- You can listen too. I wanna tell you something.

If I smell any rubber tonight--

Benedict Canyon, anywhere around there--

your ass is grass...

and I'm the lawn mower.

- You got it? - You got that, boys?

- His ass. Okay? - Yes, sir. Yes, officer.

Let's go. Move 'em out!

- I gotta take a squirt. - Good night, Officer Clark.

Good night, Officer Lawn Mower.

Come on.

Come on! Right here!

Hey, Brenda, I enjoyed last night.

Oh, God.

No, it's okay. I'll have a Big One and a cherry Coke.

Make it two Big Ones and two cherry Cokes.

You want the Big One? I've got the Big One.

Oh, God, he is so gross!

You two girls want a thrill?

- I'm not paying any attention. - Hey, Iron Box, I'm talking to you two.

Very funny.

Have you ever heard my version of that song?

Oh, my God, we have to get out of here. He's gonna fart the song.

He's going to fart the song.

You're gonna love it.

Stay there. Let me warm up.

Hey, look, there's that red Dodge!

Hey,Jimmy, kinda cold on that thing or what?

Colder than a witch's tit.

- Here. - What's this?

Go on, keep it. You'll need something to read on the bus.

Jimmy, I was thinkin', if you have to go overseas...

I'll collect all those magazines from the guys and send 'em over to you.

Thanks. I never thought of that.

But I probably won't go to Vietnam. They're only sending over advisors.

I thought last month, when Dee Dee was late, I wouldn't be going.

They ain't taking anybody with babies.

That's a tough break.

You're gonna get the experience of a lifetime.

I remember the first time I ever saw you two guys. Do you remember that?

You came rolling that bicycle in here with two flat tires...

a broken chain and bent handlebars.

I looked at you and said, "Get that thing outta here. We fix cars."

You fix cars. Thirty minutes later it was fixed and we were riding it.

I can't believe it, man.

There's only four pledges this year.

When I was in junior high school everybody wanted to be a Knight.

I don't know anymore, man.

Everything changes. Remember that.

Nothing stays the same.

I got it.

I'm telling you, Barbara does not put out.

- She do. - No, she doesn't.

She's a tramp.

Shorty.

- Wheatly, that girl's looking at me. - What?

That girl with the red scarf s looking at me, checking me out.

She's not checking you out. She's looking through you to get to me.

- She's looking right at me. - Where?

- Right there with the red scarf on. - Hey, he thinks you're looking at him.

Man, you asshole!

- You just blew it for me! - I'm sorry.

I can't believe you sometimes.

- God! - I'm sorry, all right?

- Get bent. - How's it goin'?

- Hey, watch the car. - What are you talking about?

- Hey, Moosie, cut your hair. - I gotta go practice.

Hey, you're into fine food.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with a slice of Bermuda onion?

I don't know. What?

A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

You're boring, Turk. Very boring.

This dork? This dork is better, right?

Hey, butt breath.

What the hell did I tell you about your sidewalk surfing in public?

Do you remember that conversation?

I told you to hang ten in your neighborhood.

- What's in your pocket? - A pack of cigarettes.

Cigarettes? You're a minor. What are you doing with them?

- They're for my mother. - Give 'em here.

Come on, get 'em out.

For his mother.

- You're lying to me, kid. - You're lying to a police officer.

- You little son of a bitch. - And no sidewalk surfing in public.

Take off.

- Hey, what's up, squirt? - Surf city.

Beaver patrol! Beaver patrol!

Calling all beavers!

Dawn! Hey, Dawn! You see these pictures?

I always thought you were a natural blonde.

Shut up, you idiot!

Have you seen these pictures, Dork? You gotta see these pictures.

That's so stupid, Turk!

Keep the pictures. I'll take the real thing.

Hey, Dawn! Great tits!

Newbomb, that's your brother's car.

You parked next to a fire hydrant.

Big deal. It's Halloween.

See you guys in the parking lot.

Thank you.

Thank you all. It's a wonderful-looking crowd tonight.

I'm glad to see you support us this way.

We're gonna get those Panthers, aren't we?

I'm looking forward to seeing all of you over at the dance tonight.

I have to go take care of some last-minute details over there...

with the help of Mr. Nevans...

so I'm gonna turn the evening over to my husband, Mr.Jack Freedman...

and our good friend Mr. William Thornwell...

who we all know as Thorny.

I'll see you over at the dance later.

Thank you very much. This is Thorny Thornwell.

What a joy it is to be here...

at the very spot where I first dreamed of becoming your channel 9 weatherman.

I've got a few announcements. We've got some real treats coming up.

What are you doing, man?

You look good, Newbomb. Maybe you'll get a date.

It's an improvement.

Hey, Riding Hood, wanna be eaten by the Big Bad Wolf?

Fuck you, Newbomb.

You told her, didn't you?

You set me up, didn't you?

- What time does Dudley get here? - In a few minutes.

If I were

Were a rich man

- Mother, please. - What is it?

- I have to practice that. - That's why I'm singing it.

Yes, but your singing in no way corresponds with my fingering.

- You'll receive the check at the rally. - I know.

They just wanted you to come by and say "thank you" in person.

I know.

After all, $500 covers a full year's tuition.

Mother, I know!

Yes. Now we're gonna stop for a little cherry pie.

I'm not hungry.

Well, you need a little quick energy.

Mother, they always laugh at me at that restaurant when I'm dressed like this.

If I were a rich man

Oh, my God.

Oh,Jesus.

Wait, wait. Here's a car.

- This is so crazy. - Oh, Nevans.

Now it's my great pleasure to introduce...

the president of the Beverly Hills Residents Association...

and a great American...

Jack Freedman.

Thank you, Thorny. What's the weather like up there?

I'm sure we're all gonna have a good time tonight.

I'm not going to make any long speeches. I'm just going to--

All right.

I'm just going to start off...

by introducing a wonderful organization of fine young people.

The Beverly Marching Band!

Get it up!

Take it up! Where's security, goddamn it?

- Do the other thing. - The other thing?

You know.

Come here.

The other thing?

Heavens, Nevans!

Mrs. Freedman?

Is that you? What are you doing here alone?

I had some thinking to do, Dudley.

It's fortuitous that I found you alone because I wanted to ask your advice...

on which magic trick I should do for the talent contest tonight.

I'm not a good judge of magic tricks.

I thought maybe I'd do my big illusion-- producing a rabbit from an empty box.

Abracadabra, and here it is.

- It's a cute little rabbit. - I call him Squeakums.

- The audience will find him amusing. - I think so too. Do that trick.

- Or else I could do-- - They're waiting for you inside.

This is called my three-ball trick.

You put these balls in between your fingers, make a magic--

- I'm sorry. - That's all right.

I'll get them. They're down here somewhere.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mrs. Freedman, what are these?

- Are these yours? - They're my husband's pants.

I'm taking them to the cleaners.

Then it's lucky I dropped by, because there's a wallet and keys in the pocket.

- Dudley, put the pants down, please. - Yes, ma'am.

Did I do that? I'm sorry!

Dudley, please leave!

Please just leave! Thank you!

- The horn is stuck. -Jesus!

The little son of a bitch.

Ladies, did you hear about the guy with the five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

- Oh, you piece of trash. - Disgusting.

Great joke. Great joke.

- Turn that song up. It's my favorite. - Wait a minute.

I want you guys to look at me. Who do I look like?

I have no idea.

Yeah? Look at me, all right?

I'm depressed. Who do I look like?

- Like that asshole at the car wash. - Bite my weenie.

I look likeJames Dean. Don't I?

Hey, I gotta take a leak.

Aim away from the car, weenie.

On behalf of my mother and father...

I would like to thank the Beverly Hills Residents Association...

for honoring my--

Help! Help me! Help me!

Dudley, relax. It's me, Newbomb. Everything's copacetic.

- May I have my puffer, please? - Give him his puffer.

Give me his coat.

Please don't hurt me. I think I'm a bleeder.

Mama! Mama!

I won't tell anybody. Just don't hurt me.

I would like to introduce now three fine young ladies--

the Beverly Hills cheerleaders with their rendition of "Razzle Dazzle."

You forgot your underwear!

Your underwear!

This is so fine.

- That's Newbomb's car, isn't it? - Yeah.

- That's a fire hydrant. - Oh, yeah.

- So all of this area's a tow-away zone? - All of it.

This is Car Three.

We've got a tow-away here in front of the Beverly High School.

A '65 El Camino, silver-gray--

What the hell's going on?

We're gonna need some help out here. We've both been assaulted by eggs.

Lawrence

Lawrence of Arabia

He's an English guy

He came to fight the Turkish

All right, we've had some bad luck this evening...

but here's something that nobody can ruin.

This is the young man who has won our $500 award.

His name is Douglas-- Dudley Laywicker.

Let's show him how proud we are of him. Let's get him up here.

Dudley, we're very--

That's Newbomb Turk!

Go, Newbomb, go!

That's not Dudley! That's Newbomb Turk!

Oh, come on! That's funny!

Stop him! Stop him, goddamn it!

Get that piece of crap outta here.

Lock it up, will ya.

Officers, there's a guy in there in a majordomo outfit...

farting all over the place.

- Yes, farting. - Oh, Christ.

Newbomb, would you hurry up!

Come on! How'd it go?

- I was great. It was swell. - Good, but we've gotta go.

- They towed your brother's El Camino. - What?

Would you relax!

What? No! I'm a dead man!

I'm doomed!

I hope you're satisfied.

I, for one, surely am not.

Little ass-wipe doesn't have any pants on.

I don't know what you're thinking, but I'm perfectly normal.

I was in the parking lot and out of the shadows something strange happened.

I didn't see their faces, but they were some people who went to--

You punk! You stupid punk!

I oughta beat the living crap out of you!

Bimbeau, what are you doing?

- This guy farted all over the stage. - Give him air.

- Who are you? - School photographer, sir.

Put that way.

This is the young man who was supposed to get the scholarship.

- He's not your man, Sergeant. - Put it away!

My puffer. My puffer.

Bimbeau, give him his puffer.

I'm having a little difficulty--

- Oh, Christ. - Oh, God.

- Come on. - These are great.

Now we don't have to walk around nude.

Did you hear that noise?

That's some old man poking his old lady.

- Are you sure? - Take my word for it.

Shit.

Shit. Goddamn it.

- I wish Froggie would hurry up. - Shut up and watch the front.

Oh, God.

- That your Halloween costume? - Yeah, kid.

The fool ain't got no dick, Earl.

Get outta here!

Hey, check us out.

- Put this on. - Great, you assholes.

- Do you know where we're at? - I forgot.

Oh, shit, Martha!

The Ku Klux Klan's outside the window! Get my gun!

Take that off!. Let's get outta here!

Wait a minute, honey!

If you see me holdin' hands with another girl

Seemin' like I'm havin' fun

Although she may be cute she's just a substitute

Because you're the only one

So, baby, take a good look at my face

You see my smile seems out of place

If you look closer it's easy to trace

The tracks of my tears

We can't get outta here until we get in that record store.

They only take dedications in person.

We're up shit's creek.

My brother and uncle were Knights, and I'm gonna be one too.

Go use the phone booth there to call your cousin and get us out of here.

What? You go in the phone booth, shut the door, the light goes on--

You think I'm gonna be standin' in the middle of Watts naked? You're crazy.

We'd better do something, that's for sure.

We gotta get clothes, go into the store, make a dedication, get back to Tubby's.

We should've joined the swim team.

You got Dr. J, ofay but okay...

as Motown strikes again!

Suzie.

Hold that.

- How about a free kiss? - That never cost you anything.

Yes, they did. I started getting used to them.

Gets kinda dangerous.

What do you wanna do?

I wanna be rich and famous. I'm already good-lookin'.

- Is this your first beer? - Yeah. Cheap high.

So am I.

So what's your plan?

Plans don't always--

You got an order up there.

So what do you wanna do?

I don't know. I just know what I don't want to do.

Maybe that's what I'm asking for-- a little time to figure it out...

a place to do it, somebody to do it with.

I was thinking about Venice.

A little apartment about a block from the beach.

You're asking me to just walk away from it for some pipe dream.

Pipe dream? Talk about a pipe dream. Tell me what acting is.

Wanna go to the beach tomorrow?

Duke, you know I have my screen test in the morning.

Yeah. I forgot.

You're here, I'm there. We're in two different places.

You go in tomorrow and knock 'em dead.

Why are you so sarcastic? Can't you give me a little support?

Suzie, pick up, please!

Hey, there's Newbomb. He went home and got his pie wagon.

Gentlemen, I am here. You can start.

You know Barbara? You're right. She does put out.

You guys want a menu?

Only if you're on it.

Hey, Newbomb, your brother's out front.

- Chicken. - What?

Stay here.

- You didn't see me. You never will. - I don't even know you.

You never knew me. You never will know me.

- How you doin'? - You seen Newbomb?

- Mom said he had my El Camino. - No, I haven't.

If he messes up my El Camino, I'm gonna strangle his ass.

- I'll tell him you're looking for him. - Yeah.

- Have you seen my El Camino? - No, I haven't.

This is his pie wagon. Where is he?

Him and Simpson are working on Simpson's rail job.

Oh. Okay.

Your car looks really bitchin'.

You see him, you tell him I'm gonna nail his butt.

- You got that? - Yeah. Yeah.

Take it easy.

Right.

Really bitchin' car.

Hey, Newbomb, he's gone.

Hey, Newbomb, that was your brother.

He's gonna kick your ass. He's looking for you.

He's looking for me? He's looking for me?

That pussy's looking for me?

You do the windup.

Stop in the name of love

Before you break my heart

Think it over

What'd you think about the Rolling Stones last night?

They were so dirty.

That guy's teeth. Did you see them?

His skin was even worse than that. But it was a great song.

Great song.

Goddamn these machines. They never work. What are we doing here anyway?

What are we doing here? Looking for cute guys.

Cute? Like Newbomb Turk? I bet that's cute.

Can you imagine having to kiss that face?

Did you see Thunder Thighs over there with Sally?

What a slut.

Speaking of sluts, did you hear about Jean Freedman?

- What? - She had an abortion in Tijuana.

That doesn't surprise me. I heard she gave half the football team the clap.

They played like they still had it last week too.

That was Brenda and Shirley Weintraub, the Iron Box Twins...

coming to you live from the ladies room here at Tubby's Drive-In.

- You asshole! - You schmuck!

Nooky wagon! Here it comes! Here comes the nooky wagon!

- How you guys doin', man? - What's happenin'?

Not much. She's starving.

- Ready to order? - Yes.

We want three hamburgers...

and three orders of onion rings.

- And I want a vanilla shake. - I want a Coke.

- Got it. - Thank you.

- What are you doin', man? - Not much. Hanging out at the beach.

Heard about Tubby's. Thought we'd come check it out.

I want a Big One! I'm so tired of those shitty Ding-Dongs, man!

You oughta lay off that surfer food. It'll do you in.

You should talk. Come down to the beach sometime. I'll show you a boss time.

No, thanks. Sticking my head in seaweed is not my idea of a bitchin' time.

Try it sometime. Might do you some good.

Hey, this is Jane, and this is Cheetah.

Wait a second. You'reJane, and you're Cheetah.

What are their names?

- Eyes off. - Hey, dummy up, man.

My name is Newbomb Turk.

Hey, Turk! How you doin', man?

Good.

Hey, where's the Duker and Jimmy Shine?

- Who cares? - Where's your deuce coupe?

It's at the old man's shop. I'm thinking about selling it.

What for? You've been working on it three years.

Yeah, but I've just been hanging out at the beach, crashing in this Woody.

- What are you doing for money? - The old man's taking care of me.

He gives me all the money I want so long as I stay away from the house.

Thinks I do more damage there.

What?

Need a pair of pliers for those?

Just got my damn shirt caught in it.

Hey, pencil dick, what time is it?

Time to eat!

Chinese bandits, two o'clock!

Bounces pretty good, pal.

Duke might've got whipped by them almond-eyes guys...

but I'm gonna go get my rail job and leave them--

I'm with you, man.

You know the power of that car.

- Those Chinese assholes. - They sneak up on ya.

- That Cobra ain't shit anyway. - Hey, you came in second.

"But you came in second." Thanks a lot.

- You guys having a good time tonight? - It's gonna get a lot better later.

Okay, asshole, pull this yellow piece of shit around the corner. You got me?

Hear that? Move it.

Right now, asshole.

Hey, Officer Clark, are you lost or somethin'?

- "Bitchin'." - Do me a favor.

Jimmy Shine's going to Vietnam tomorrow, and you wonder if the beach is bitchin'.

- Who's got the burger? - I got a burger.

What are you doing, Newbomb?

I was just gettin' some burger.

Oh, some burger, huh?

Well, you want a little shake to go along with your burger?

Hey, watch out, man!

You know what? The guys are weenies for not letting us into the dance.

But I could care less. I didn't want to go to that stupid dance.

I think dancing's for queers anyway.

This song is bitchin'. Check this song out.

I'm telling you, man, the Knights are not breaking up.

SupposeJimmy Shine doesn't come back from Vietnam.

Oh, man, don't worry about Jimmy Shine.

It's not a war. He's going over for training.

- What about Duke? - Duke can take care of himself.

And Shorty, man. Shorty's going to college.

Don't worry about Shorty. We're gonna stick together.

You can cruise with me, man. All right?

I'll take care of you.

Let's get this stuff out of here.

- What's in this thing? - They got the punch in here.

Gentlemen, are you from the caterers?

Of course you are. Is that the punch?

- Uh-huh. - Oh, no, no, please put it down.

You're going the long way. Take the shortcut. Cut right across the lawn.

Go through the nice hibiscus.

The gardener's not gonna like that.

They're relandscaping Monday morning. They're having the new library there.

The Newbomb Turk Memorial Library.

You've heard of him.

Yeah, I know that guy.

- You heard of him? - Yeah, sure.

There's nothing wrong. You can leave the punch here.

Garson! Boy! Take this punch down there.

It's our pleasure to take care of this. Anything happens, give them my name.

It's okay. Have a nice time.

- Thanks for taking care of things. - My pleasure.

Here's my story It's sad but true

It's about a girl that I once knew

She took my love

And ran around

With every single guy in town

Come on.

Come on. This one is for Tubby's.

Gentlemen, let's spike the punch.

But if you don't wanna cry like I do

I said, keep away from Runaround Sue

She likes to travel around

She'll love you then she'll put you down

Now, people, let me put you wise

Sue goes out with other guys

Can I help you?

This is the punch for the residents association.

- Name? - No name.Just punch.

Don't drink the punch.

You little son of a bitch.

Hey, you thirsty? Have some punch.

Stay away from the punch.

- Like some more? - No, thanks, it's fine.

Well, trick or treat.

You're already a treat.

You're already a trick.

- This doesn't taste right. - Yeah, it's good.

No, it's not right.

My dick is in the punch!

-I've had this taste in my mouth before. -Tastes all right to me.

- Little bastards. - I'm just gonna ignore them.

I'm not paying attention.

There's a young man out there.

My dick! My dick!

I believe he's looking for somebody called Dick.

Is there a Dick here?

I've got it, Nevans. It's spiked. They've spiked the punch.

Thorny, get those officers.

I know this taste.

What's the problem, ma'am?

Officer, taste this.

Tell me what you think.

Does have a little wang in it.

Good, though.

Mind if I have some more?

- No, no, please. - Thank you.

Help yourself. Come on, Nevans.

You've gotta be very careful, Dudley.

- You're a marked man. - I'll be fine.

They're envious of you.

Which trick should I do? They're all so good.

Stick to your music, dear.

If you were a rich man

If I were a rich man--

If you were a married man

If I were a wealthy man

Watch the road. If I were a rich man

After the talent contest, go right home.

I'm gonna drop you at the rear entrance.

With more atomic power in the midnight hour.

Man, this sure is a funny place to build a library.

- Yeah. - Newbomb Turk.

You know what? I think I heard of that guy before.

He had something to do with something in Beverly Hills.

Maybe he's giving the money for the library.

- You're probably right. - Don't drink all that beer.

- I got you covered.Just come on. - What should we do?

Just drive the truck through here. I would like to get home tonight.

Well, here goes nothing.

That car!

That car!

- I told you not to come in here! - You killed my flowers!

That man in the parking lot told us to come down here.

The man who's having the memorial library built.

That rich guy over there.

Newbomb Turk did this!

- I know! - That asshole!

Oh, Dudley.

Dudley, come here. We want to show you something.

Dudley, come over here.

Come on.

I want to show you something.

Come here, Dudley. I want to show you something.

Dudley, look.

Are you okay?

- Oh, yes. - Good.

It's gonna be all right.

Newbomb, is that you again?

Yeah, Dudley. Sorry. Nothing personal.

I understand, I think.

- Please be careful with the cape. - I will.

- It's rented. - Have a beer, buddy.

I hope you win the contest.

Thanks, Dud, that's sweet.

Well done, ladies.

I love you like I do

I do

Don't know why I love you Don't know why I care

You can do it.

I can do it.

My boy.

Is it because I think you love me too

I wonder why I love you like I do

Like I do

- Hello? -...about Jean Freedman?

- What? -She had an abortion in Tijuana.

They're talking about my daughter!

I'm not surprised. I heard she gave half the football team the clap.

They were playing like it last week too.

That was Brenda and Shirley Weintraub, the Iron Box twins...

coming to you live from the ladies room at Tubby's Drive-in this Halloween.

But I cannot function without my glasses or my puffer.

Dudley, would you just relax and stay put.

I'll be back in a few minutes with my rail job.

- Don't forget me. - I won't.

-Just stay put. - 'Cause I'm a little scared.

There's nothing to be scared of. Stay put.

So, let's welcome, please--

He's a wonderful one-armed--

uh, one-armed violinist.

Mr. Sasha Du-- Da--

Mr. Sasha Dabinsky, the one-armed violinist. Let's welcome him.

I presume that must be-- Well--

The one-armed violinist.

It's impossible! He grabbed it with his dick!

Stop applauding! Stop applauding!

- Making fun of handicapped people-- - Excuse me.

Making fun of handicapped people is not my idea of a joke.

There may be people laughing about this, but I'm telling you we can fight.

They may be laughing now, but they won't be in the morning...

when we start tearing down that social disease of Beverly Hills!

-Tubby's Drive-in is gonna be torn down! -He grabbed it with his dick!

I beg your pardon, sir!

I miss your big Buick.

Oh, that's great.

I love it.

God, you feel great. Don't mess my hair up though.

Honey, I didn't touch your hair.

- Oh, shit. - Hello?

Hello. Excuse me. I'm lost. Could you show me the way to the dance?

- It's way over there. - Yes, over that way.

Mrs. Freedman? Mrs. Freedman!

- Oh, Dudley, you-- - Hello.

- Nevans, get my clothes. - Oh, shit.

We're all in our underwear.

I'm a real nice girl. I've got the best reputation in our high school.

I heard about your reputation.

It's just like heaven

Bein' here with you

You're like an angel

Too good to be true

But after all

I love you, I do

-Angel baby - Lawrence of Arabia

- Mike, I can't do it. - You can't get pregnant this way.

- I'm not that type of girl. - You can't get pregnant.

- Okay. - Right there.

- How's that? - Faster!

Oh, God! It's caught in the zipper!

No! Get away!

Oh, don't touch it! Don't touch it! Let it go down!

I just gotta wait till the swelling goes down!

Dork, you are like a dead putz. This is a party.

We're supposed to have fun, music, pastrami. What's wrong with you?

Turk, come over here. Now, he happens to be very hysterically funny.

I put him right up there with Steve and Edie.

He has more talent in his little pinkie than you have in your whole pinkie.

Why don't you just go blow? I mean, you make me nauseous.

High school girls. I should have known better.

You know, you have impeccable taste.

Listen, I'm having a party at my house.

You wanna take me?

To the pie wagon.

On a beautiful Halloween night, 1965, with Dr. J. on the burner!

- Go. Go. - Okay.

Oh, Turk, Turk, I'm ready.

Come here, Turk.

This is just like in the movies.

Oh, I'm wearing my mother's musk scent perfume.

Oh, Turk, come back here.

Come on before I lose the feeling, Turk.

Turk, come on.

Come on, Turk. Come back here.

Come on.

Come on, Turk. What?

- It's not right. - What?

- It's not right. - What's not right?

- The mood's not right. - What do you mean?

What do you mean? I'm in the mood! I'm ready. I'm hot.

I'm all hot and bothered! Are you kidding me?

Turk! Did you come?

- What? - Did you come?

- A little. - Either you came or you didn't!

- Did you come or not? - I came.

Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed.

Give me my shirt back. Oh, my God! You came! I can't believe it!

- You are so immature. - I am not immature!

I came. It happens. I'm sorry it happened.

- Who does it happen to? - To the whole world!

I'm glad I came. You know that? I'm glad I came.

God, are you something!

This is the engine of the future.

In a VW.

Funny.

There's only six of those in the country.

Nader's gonna stop all this. There won't be no more.

I'm afraid you're right.

If that's Sharon, tell her I've gone.

- Guys, let's do this another night. - Kiss my ass.

He's already gone.

- You sure you wanna see this? - What are you, crazy?

- Come on. - Let's do it.

Is this piss yellow?

That's Tony Nancy yellow.

Hey,Jimmy, check this out.

Laz was over here today rubbing this thing out.

His back went, and Al came in and finished it.

He did a good job.

- Oh, man. - Who put the tune on it?

- Frasco. - Boy, does it run sweet.

Tony, what about that other thing?

What other thing?

You know. The thing!

Hey, what's the deal?

It's a little going-away present, Jim, from the Knights...

and the guys at the shop-- they all chipped in.

Junior put it in.

All the leaves are brown

And the sky is gray

And the sky is gray

I've been for a walk

On a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm

If I was in L.A.

Ahead of the headlines, this is the 1:00 AM edition of KBLA news...

presented by the car of the future, Studebaker!

Let's get those tires in the van and let's split, brother.

We'll never get back by 2:00, man. Forget it!

- Look at your car! - Where the hell are my tires?

There's the sons of bitches.

I don't know why these guys singing rock and roll have to wear those glasses.

God, it's gonna be weird living back in New York.

What's wrong, Suzie? Duke getting you crazy?

- I don't know. - He go to the dance without you?

- I guess so. - That's the way it goes.

He'll probably be back later when I close the place and have a beer.

Guy's being tough on you, huh?

What time's the screen test tomorrow?

7:00.

Don't let it bother you. Do good tomorrow.

Thanks.

Jimmy, what time do you have to leave tomorrow?

I gotta be up at 6:00. Dee Dee's waiting for me.

I gotta get over there. She's cooked a roast.

We're gonna drink a bottle of champagne.

We're gonna go to Santa Monica pier and watch the sun come up.

That sounds like pretty romantic stuff to me.

I remember one time I was in Okinawa.

Me and this buddy of mine named Grease-- best damn mechanic I ever seen.

Anyway, me and Grease took this Thunderbolt engine out of a crate...

modified that son of a bitch and put it in a little Jeep.

They was having a parade that day.

MacArthur and his whole hot-damn staff was there, man.

Anyway, me and this Grease got in that Jeep, and we blew by that parade.

Shit, man, it must have been 150 miles an hour.

M.P.'s are still looking for us.

They found the Jeep. They only suspected it was us.

What happened to Grease?

That son of a bitch got drunk and drove a command car into an ammo dump...

and the whole thing went up, and they never did find nothing.

War's funny, huh?

Hey, listen. I wanna say something.

If something happens to me while I'm gone--

I don't know, anything--

I don't want that the-- that the car should--

Dee Dee wouldn't know what to do with it and, you know...

I want the car should go to the club, you know, all the guys.

Hell, that was the big one. Vietnam's nothing like that.

I know, but I'm saying just in case.

Nothing's gonna happen. Let's get some beers.

This is Dr. J. on KBLA, the boss with the hot sauce.

This is for lovers only.

This is for everybody up on Mulholland Drive. I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to put one hand on the radio...

and the other hand wherever you feel it should be.

And that's exactly where you're puttin' me on Halloween night, 1965.

For lovers only.

We'll never make it back.

It's after 1 :00.

Oh, when the sun beats down

And burns the tar up on the roof

And your shoes get so hot

You wish your tired feet were fireproof

- Under the boardwalk - See if they'll help us.

Down by the sea, yeah

- On a blanket with my baby - How you doin', Mrs.Johnson?

- Maybe these guys will help us. - Hey, let's ask 'em.

- What's goin' on? - We need you guys to do us a favor.

We're trying to get into this car gang in Beverly Hills.

They dropped us down here. They took our clothes and left us four spare tires.

-We gotta get back to Hollywood by 2:00. -It's an initiation.

But we need a dedication in that record store from the disc jockey.

You guys gotta do us a favor and make a dedication.

- Which one, man? - "Heatwave."

It's gotta get on by 2:00...

and try to get him to say, "To anyone who ever cruises Tubby's."

- Right. - Tubby's, huh?

Tubby's, all right?

The brother you see here has the best.

- That's right. - We gotta go.

If you're ever in the neighborhood, come over.

Any of you cats smoke this shit before?

Yeah, we smoke that stuff all the time.

Check this out, man.

That'll put a hem in your dress. You'll love it.

It is a killer.

- Hold it in, right? - Hold it in.

It's a killer, isn't it?

From the park you hear

The happy sounds of the carousel

You can almost taste the hot dogs and French fries they sell

Under the boardwalk

Down by the sea

On a blanket with my baby

Is where I'll be

Under the boardwalk

Out of the sun

Under the boardwalk

- We'll be havin' some fun - Under the boardwalk

From the desert to the sea, soulfully.

Big girls don't cry

- Please let me help you. - No, I'm all right.

No, you're not. What you need is a good hot sauna and a massage.

- Yeah, maybe you're right. - And you're not mad no more?

No, no, I'm all right.

Just one more call about those Knights...

your ass is in the meat grinder.

Listen, I don't know what you've been doing all night...

but you're gonna have the lieutenant all over your butts tomorrow.

There was a kidnapping at the pep rally.

And somebody farted their way around the gym at show time.

Then you two end up assaulting an honor student.

Then the lawn over at the country club dance was torn up.

Somebody urinated in the refreshments...

played a lewd recording over the P.A.

Then somebody went onstage...

and stuck his finger out in place of his dick or something.

I've never seen anybody as asleep at the wheel as you two have been tonight.

Now, wake up! You get it?

Hey, Newbomb, where's your El Camino?

- What an asshole. - That guy is such an asshole.

What the hell did you say? What the hell did you say?

I said it's cold. Brrr! Real cold.

That son of a bitch.

He usually goes to the can about now. I got an idea.

I got an idea. I'm gonna get this asshole.

Shorty! I'm really gonna get this asshole.

Tarzan, come here for a second.

Go to the head. Take a roll of toilet paper.

Shove it all the way in. I don't want anything coming up.

- You got your screwdriver? - Yeah.

Go to Brother Earle's and get a potato, an unpeeled potato.

Dumb ass, get over there! What the hell?

- I wanted to get a chip. - You got this crap all over me.

You want a chip? Here's a damn chip.

Hey, Iron Box!

Don't you think I'd look good in a mustache?

Yeah. You'd look better than good.

You'd look perfect, like a perfect horse's ass.

You're just jealous. That's all.

I'm gonna go take a whiz.

Just make sure you wash your hands, all right?

Just don't slam the door. You're gonna spill my milk.

Clark.

Holy shit.

This one's for Tubby's.

"Where's your El Camino? Where's your El Camino?"

Officer Bimbeau.

Holy shit! Hey, Clark!

- Bimbeau? - Clark, come on!

- I'm locked in here! - What?

I'm locked in here!

All right. Get back, Bimbeau!

Clark! You asshole!

Get up. What's the matter with you?

What the hell were you doing?

- I gotta get my shoe! - Get your shoe!

Look at my shoes! Look at my new shoes!

It was wonderful. That was real funny.

It was so funny. It was great.

Rail man!

It's him!

Help! Help!

Shut up! Shut up!

Get back! Give him air!

Give him air!

Shut up! Shut your mouth! This punk is drunk!

Get your ass up!

He's not drunk. He's the honor student.

He's having an epileptic fit! Do something!

- We gotta put something in his mouth. - He could swallow his tongue.

I gotta shove the nightstick in his mouth.

I'm all right.

He's up! It's a miracle!

Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home

Your lights! Your lights! You didn't turn on your lights.

Now look what you did. Look what you did.

What in the hell are you talk-- What I did?

- Why the hell are you riding shotgun? - Hey, I'm not driving.

You sleep in the backseat! You're supposed to be watching out!

Let me drive!

Blow him away.

Go!

Way to go, weenie!

Take care of this until I get back home, okay?

- For me? - You earned it.

Put it on, man.

Thanks, man.

What about the pledges we left in Watts?

What about those guys? Where are they?

It's 2:00 in the morning. Maybe we should go get 'em.

Uh, wait. We're--

We're going to go to Watts...

at 2:00 in the morning?

Let's go.

What the hell. Hey, everybody! Beer's on the house!

What are they gonna do, close us down, Smitty?

How was the dance?

I don't know. I didn't go.

- Where've you been? - Out there.

- How was it? - It's okay.

Don't shut me out.

Hey, you know, I can handle blowing the screen test.

As long as I don't blow it with you.

I just gotta say I was there.

I'm just asking you for the chance to fail.

Listen.

I'm not afraid of you failing.

I guess what I'm really afraid of is...

if you make it, I won't be good enough for you.

I love you.

Crystals, baby, and "Uptown."

This is your brother, Dr. J. on KBLA, approaching the 2:00 AM hour.

- Dr. J.? - What's happenin'?

- This is June Bug,Jimmy T. - How you doin'?

Hey, man. What's up?

We got this dedication. Some pledges down the street, on the corner--

- Right here? - Yeah.

- They want this on the radio? - Yeah.

- You got it. - They're for a car club.

I'm gonna take care of it.

There's a place on Wilshire Boulevard. Everybody knows it.

It's called Tubby's Drive-in. Tonight is the last night it's gonna be around.

They're bustin' it down. Can you believe it?

Here's the request. There's a group of guys out there. They got a car club.

They more or less own the place...

and it's called the Hollywood Knights.

These pledges came down here...

to get a request on the radio at exactly 2:00 AM, and that's what I'm gonna do.

I can't think of a better way to end this show...

on this Halloween night, 1965...

than with Martha & The Vandellas talkin' about "Heatwave."

Hey, the pledges! They made it! There they are!

Look. The little sons of bitches made it.

Kiss my ass.

See you in spring.

Look out after my old lady, huh?

I'm doing the right thing.

Be careful.

- Take care of yourself. - Don't forget to write.

- You all right? - Yeah.

I'm a little scared.

Hell, who isn't?

You've been like a dad to me.

Hey, listen.

I don't want you hot-rodding any Jeeps.

That's Dee Dee.

I gotta go.

Take care.

I'll send you those magazines.

Hey, Wheatly.

Halloween's over.

- Why don't you take off the mask? - What?

Why don't you bite my weenie, chump!

I don't know what's gonna be.

Soon I'll be going away to college, and I'll probably never see you again.

Hey, you're going to UCLA.

- Hello? - Hello, Mother?

- This is Dudley. - Dudley!

Mother, I'm calling to inform you that I'm going to be out rather late tonight.

- You're not in bed, dear? - In fact, I might not be home at all.

Mother, I have an assignation with a young lady tonight.

I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood.

- I see, dear. - Mother, I'm going to get laid.

You're going to be a little late.

Not late, Mother. Laid. L-A-I-D.

The past participle of the verb, to lay.

I'm going to screw someone.

Now I've got to find out how.

- Gee. Excuse me. - Honey, are you okay?

I got a little heartburn.

I think that somebody did put something in that punch.

- There was something in it. - Yeah, I think you're right.

I feel a little funny myself. That taste keeps coming up.

I see that worried look upon your face

You've got your troubles I've got mine

Let's go, pretty boy.

I guess we finally got rid of those little pissants, huh?

You bet. We really whipped their ass tonight.

Kiss his ass!

Bullshit!

Look out.

It's okay. It's okay.

Honey, I don't feel safe here.

Your husband is right in that house right there.

Don't worry about a thing. He's dead drunk. He's passed out.

It would take an earthquake to wake him up.

Don't worry about him. Don't worry about anything.

I'm not. I don't even care anymore.

Rock and roll!

Get out! It might explode!

That son of a bitch hit this son of a bitch.

Clark! You're supposed to be riding shotgun!

- You're supposed to be looking out! - I'm looking!

Shit. Jacqueline?

Bob?

Honey, the strangest thing just happened.

We were talking and--

They knocked my pants off, and, uh-- I'm going for the police now, and--

We were just-- We were talking in the car.

Don't just stand there! Do something!

I can't believe that this shit has happened to me tonight.

Mrs. Freedman!

You assholes!