Original subtitles

Hello there, free rider!

Where we came from I don't know

Fleeing where honesty was rife

We made our home in old Soho

THICK AS THIEVES

Justice we ignored it

Like the Vice Squad and Interpol

idleness we adore it

Like football and alcohol.

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip, cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight

But we've got soul and sentiment

Though we don't like to put it on show

Just to keep us real different

From all the straights we know

The gutters are where we made our name

Our apprenticeship was done on the streets

And now we live up to our fame

By thieving and other such feats.

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip, cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight.

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight.

For peanuts we'd do a few shops

Hardly take enough for a smoke

Always chased off by the cops

Who never could see the joke.

And now that we're qualified Mob

We don't get sick pay or pension

So we're going to pull off a big job

And get an honourable mention

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight.

We're thick as thieves

We're thick as thieves

He's here, but I bet Silvino's in trouble again.

Late again and on the run.

Oh, holy mother of God!

You dumb bastard!

- Sorry I'm late. - Somebody after you?

- Come here chicken! - Turn it out, I can explain. Hang on!

You were shouting for help before you even got to the bell.

- Anybody after you? - He's gonna get it.

"The narrator, also known as voice off, summarizes the story"

That day, Silvino Steak n' Chips,

working member of Renato the Peacefufs gang,

hadn't had a bad thought in his head.

Silvino was on his way, at a jaunty pace, and in clothes to match,

to Renato and Marlene's - his boss and councillor -

for an important planning session.

But the devil has ways to tempt even the purest soul...

For example: a street stall with a radio,

luring Silvino with the Big Match commentary.

There's nobody on him. He looks to the right and he's away.

Fine style, turn of speed,

wrong foots his opponents, finds another gear

and makes more ground, up the middle of the field,

nearing the halfway mark, almost in the centre circle.

They're after him but they're too slow.

There he goes. He swerves to the left.

He's close on halfway. He crosses the halfway line,

there's a challenge but he gets round it. Then another,

he's still In control. Nobody In his way now, only one defender.

Round another challenge but he's still in command.

He looks back, gains more ground.

Breaks to the right, up the flank,

going like a winger now, hugging the touch line,

in complete command. Closer and closer to the area.

Fine style, good pace.

He turns inside, comes up to the line,

he's near the area. Going into the box.

The crowd are on their feet. We lose sight of him.

Where is he? There he is. it's looking dangerous.

He stops, eyes his opponent and tees up the shot.

He's going to have a go, he doesn't try it.

It's a clever lob, but the goal-keeper got it!!!

- Messing things up for Renato... - This time I'll finish you off.

And he will too.

Stop it!

"Flévio the Lawyer, steps in."

Stop, Renato, stop it! Stop it!

- Son of a bitch! - Remember Tom Turdface?

You really worked him over and he was off for three months.

You can't do that now! You can't send Silvino to the knackers yard.

We're here to deal with a serious matter.

The idea's either crazy or brilliant

and this is official decision time.

Death or glory!

But for the plan, or should I say operation, to work,

we need everybody, including Silvino.

- Et pluribus unum. - Amen.

O.K, O.K.

Let's go upstairs and get down to details.

Right. I've called you all up here because we're at work again, got it?

Whatever it is, here's to success.

So what are we knocking off? I could do with a real big job

to pay for a long holiday. - Holiday? You'll be able to retire

and live a life of ease! - Spit it out then.

Do you want something big?

You've got the guts for a class job? This will be our finale!

A joy, a hundred per cent!

No worries for the rest of our days.

The good life!

So, anybody scared?

Anybody want to chicken out?

- An Italian came here to speak to me. - All the way from Italy,

especially to speak to Renato.

- To see if we were willing... - To do what?!

Hold on, man!

- This guy's having me on. - But he's not just any old Italian.

- He's an important guy, a big-timer. - Even got an American accent.

- The guy must be Mafia. - What?

Mafia, Cosa Nostra, Frank Sinatra,

big fish, an international, a VIP. - That's right, only top class stuff.

The guy aims high.

- He's not small fry like us man. - Like us?

Yeah; let's face it, we chance our asses on pisspot jobs, man.

Over there it's not like that,

but here everything's small time Portuguese crap.

Here, crime doesn't pay.

Christ, what does the Italian want?

Cool it.

Shit! Audio-visual aids even.

Right, now you know why the Italian came especially.

- How many? - A hundred and sixty nine.

Right, but the Italian doesn't want them all!

- He only wants these on the slides. - Why? They in a jeweller's?

No, they're not in no jeweller's.

- They're in hock! - Tell them Flévio!

We're getting there.

Now you're going to see where the ltalian's jewels are.

In the Gulbenkian Museum? You must be out of your mind!

That place is thief proof. They've got alarms everywhere,

and cameras on the statues' dicks. - They have too.

- The Italian can do the job himself! - And on our way home

we could do the Bank of Portugal! - Hold it!

If you don't want to go, fair enough. We won't say another word.

- Someone else'll have the guts. - You know what?

There are plenty of people ready for a little trip to the Gulbenkian.

I'll speak to the Italian and say "Look, 'scusa' man,

but my people... they're not big time."

What a shit!

"Look for somebody with more ambition. Arrivederci."

Forget it, they're chicken shit.

- Take it easy, girl. - What's that?

- We just want to know the details. - Only loonies ain't scared, right?

- You've never had an idea like this. - And then, the others will go:

"Eh, Italian! Here's the jewels, hand over the loot."

It's like that, isn't it?

Then we'll hear it on the news.

Good evening. Today's headlines,

the theft of the Lalique collection from the Gulbenkian Museum,

carried out apparently by a daring, international gang.

This afternoon, a daring gang

carried out an alarming robbery at the Guibenkian Museum.

While a music festival was being held on the premises

and foreign tourists, including many Japanese, were visiting the Museum,

the masked gang struck in quite a unique way

by means of a wheel chair, a weapon new to the annals of crime.

For reasons not yet entirely clear, panic broke out among the visitors,

and even the Director of the Museum

was seen to hurl herself In desperation into the lake.

As this news is being read the police are closing all exits from the city,

and even some entrances too.

René Lalique,

a Frenchman born in I860, died 1945,

was a genius of Modern Art.

The Lalique collection is perhaps the most valuable,

the most precious group of exhibits in the Gulbenkian Museum,

where, as everyone knows,

there is no lack of other treasures from all over the world.

The police think that the robbery, carried out in broad daylight,

must have been "commissioned" by some collector

fascinated by Lalique's jewels,

generally considered as a hymn to nature and feminine beauty.

Oh, jewels! Rare, beautiful jewels!

Modern Art, Laliques.

I'm coming over to side of adventure.

- Me too. - What about guns?

We going to do the Gulbenkian without shooters?

That's right; we're going to rob the Gulbenkian unarmed.

A peaceful robbery by the gang of Renato, the Peaceful.

- Alea jacta est. - Amen.

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip, cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight.

For peanuts we'd do a few shops

Hardly take enough for a smoke

Always chased off by the cops

Who never could see the joke.

And now that we're qualified Mob

We don't get sick pay or pension

So we're going to pull off a big job

And get an Honourable mention.

When we go out on a bender

On some hot Friday night

We're the hip cool Westender

We'd set Chicago alight.

We're thick as thieves

We're thick as thieves

We're thick as thieves

We're thick as thieves

His name's Pedro but his alias in the underworld is Pedro the Just.

Pedro became the "Just" in the 4th Form

on that emotional morning when his teacher, Miss Gloria,

"Cabbage Top" to the kids,

wanted to test his knowledge of history.

What did Don Pedro the Just do of great importance?

- He went outwith Princess Ines. - He killed Ines' murderers.

Very good, very good. And what else?

Pedro - nothing to say?

Don't you know?

I know, Miss, I know. He discovered America.

Children!

Be quiet! Come here Pedro.

- Twelve of the best for you! - Oh, Miss, six please.

Six on each hand.

- Come here Pedro! - Oh, you old cow!

Help, police, police, help!

Long live Pedro the Just. Long live Pedro the Just.

Where's the culprit?

- Please don't arrest me officer. - You're under arrest.

Come with me.

You're a disgrace to me, you little devil. You'll pay for this!

And that's how it all started for little Pedro,

later the well-known criminal, Pedro the Just.

In Lisbon, after escaping from his angry old man,

Pedro went to work in "Tasty Titbits", a small "bistro" in old Lisbon

(lunches and dinners, wines and snacks).

Pedro spent four years there...

But one day, tired of no wages, he grabbed his things

and became apprentice to a wily old type,

expert at fixing things: radios, toilet flushes,

cookers, bikes, taps, locks... And it was soon clear

that Pedro's speciality was precisely safes and locks...

- Shit, you're a dab hand at this! - Police. Be quiet.

- Which one of you was it? - Denying it won't help!

It wasn't us inspector. We didn't do anything!

Someone went to the Chemist's and stole 2,375 escudos...

and fifty cents, hidden under a tin of paint. Who was it?

- Not us. - You were there last week,

fixing the lock and must have made a false key.

- Who was it? - O.K, O.K it was me.

Because of mitigating circumstances,

and because it's a first offence,

the defendant is sentenced

to 14 months imprisonment.

The second time I got four years. Didn't even get a discount or anything.

Truth be said, it was 200 grand that time.

200 grand and a gold watch I gave to the lady who gave me bed and board.

But the stupid old bag started showing it round.

- That's what screwed it up for me. - You won't get far, man...

I know you're ace at locks, but on your own you've no chance.

You need a firm mate.

The only reason Flévio, the Lawyer, didn't become a real lawyer

was because he went into prison a year before he finished his law degree.

Like all crime stories, Flévids too started because of a woman...

...and Beafle's music.

Oh, my little girl!

What's going on here?

Sayonara.

Zinita's father fixed Flévio up with a good job

and Zinita, nine months after that rollicking Beatle's concert,

fixed him up with a baby. But Zinita was a woman of champagne tastes

and Flévio was in love, and weak. in order to please Zinita

he kept milking small but regular profits from the company accounts.

But the just and tragic day dawned when he was caught.

In the years when he was inside visiting day always ended in tears.

It's over, Flévio.

I never want to see you again. Don't even think about seeing your kid.

So the visits tailed off and the ungrateful Zinita appeared no more.

But In the midst of all that Flévlo made himself a new friend,

a brother in adversity, Renato the Peaceful.

These have been three long, long years, man.

Prisoner 525, follow me.

Lawyer, look... You're not like us, but remember:

if you ever need me - the Japanese bar.

Sayonara.

Flévio came out of jail, but he was still prisoner of his crimes.

Childhood friends turned their backs on him,

so Flévio set off for the Japanese bar,

to meet up with his only real friend - Renato the Peaceful.

- Name? - Adelaide...

- Better known as Slim-Line Adelaide. - Profession?

- Whores. - Prostitutes,

I think you mean. - Prostitutes...

Yes, it could be that as well.

- Prostitutes. - Name?

Evelina de Sousa, better known as Lina the Ready.

- At your service inspector. - Go on, go on.

40 years old in February.

My friend here's a bit upset.

You'll have to excuse her Inspector, she's new at the job.

Nevermind, love, nobody's died.

Adelaide's a sweetie Inspector.

She was really on a downer, and it was me who picked her up.

You've got to help one another, haven't you Inspector?

- Send in the Plaintiffs. - Come in please.

Right, I'll read the statement.

"At 23.45 on 9 March, in Victory Square,

"two women were arrested on the charge of stealing,

"two days earlier, on 7 March,

a fountain pen and a lighter, total value 3,450 escudos."

- Correct? - Exactly inspector,

it was them! - It was them inspector, exactly!

Here they are!

Look Inspector, Slim-Line Adelaide has got nothing to do with this.

She doesn't even know I kept this junk.

"Kept it". That's right Inspector, kept it in pawn.

In pawn, see Inspector?

Because these bleeding sons of whores...sorry Inspector,

bleeding sons of prostitutes, I mean,

had their go and didn't pay up.

And what's more they weren't even any good at it.

- Boring... really pathetic. - O.K. Go on, go on.

So I took these in pawn.

They've got to pay us 500 escudos each plus 200 for the room,

or else I'll go straight off and get it from their wives.

I already know the address!

Ooh, poor lads, you won't get out of this, hard luck.

I'm taking the bill home!

Or my name's not Lina the Ready.

I've been in this business 26 years and never has a son of a bitch -

I mean son of a prostitute - put one over on Lina the Ready.

So make up your minds.

Oh, Lina.

What a night that was.

Lina...

- I want to tell you something. - What?

I'm not what that inspector said I was.

- You're not what? - A prostitute.

- You're not? You're not a prostitute? - No, no.

Well, what are you then?

You're not a prostitute!

Listen to this cow! Well what are you then?

The Virgin Mary or Lady Legs Open!

Oh, Lina! I didn't mean to offend you, Lina.

- Get off me, leave me alone! - Oh Lina, come here...

I'm your friend,

I didn't mean to offend you.

Let's go to my place, let's talk a bit, come on.

Who's that?

It's Carlos.

Do you wanna dance?

- What, me? - Yes, do you want to dance with me?

Oh, lovely, lovely!

Afterwards we danced here often, with nobody to gossip and talk about us.

"Poor old Adelaide, she never had any luck!

Such a smart lad and he already had a record!"

Then one day Carlos told me that he needed my help:

"Come with me. I have to visit a house.

"You stay down here in the car

"and if you see anyone going into the building press the door bell quick.

That's all you've got to do."

Then one day a week ago

they came here and took Carlos away.

They searched the house, put everything into a bag.

They took everything, everything!

Even a gold ring that Carlos had given me for my birthday.

Everything Lina, everything.

Now you know what my life has been like.

I should never have taken you with me to sleep with those guys.

What are you going to do now?

Well, first off let's get sloshed.

Then tomorrow, after we've slept it off,

we're going to meet some friends of Carlos

who hang around in the Japanese Bar.

I know them, they're all right those guys.

- It's Renato and Marlene. - That's right.

This is the guy who wants to work with us.

He's a bit puddled because of boxing, but he's a good lad.

What's your name, man?

Arnaldo.

Arnaldo what? Come on man, give us the whole story.

Arnaldo...actor.

Arnaldo won the alias "actor"

through his fleeting appearance on the screen of the Odeon,

in a chase scene through the streets of down town Lisbon,

in the Franco-Portuguese co-production "Les Navets du Tage"

directed by Denis de la Pepiniére.

In the marriage scene - when the guy kills the girl-

they didn't get me in. In the ferry, stupid me, I'm looking the other way.

But in the chase scene I screwed them, I got myself right there in the front.

They're a bunch of wankers they are.

Me, me who can even put on a more cynical smile

than Edward G. Robinson.

And what's more, who can land a better punch than the one Glen Ford

gave to Rita Hayworth, right there. - Cool it!

God, the guy's really puddled.

No flush stuff man,

if you want to join our group you've got to play a quiet game.

I don't want no blades, nor shooters...

My gang's always unarmed.

We're peaceful types, see.

Nothing up my sleeve, a little bit of footwork and just my hands.

- What's all this? - Oh, Holy Mary, Holy Mary!

- Doucement, doucement. - "Doucement" my ass.

- Didn't I tell you I didn't want guns? - Don't you shout at me.

It upsets people sometimes you know...

One...two...three...four...five!

Poor lad!

My God!

Should we give him mouth to mouth?

Christ no! Leave him.

He's come back to life again.

You win, man.

Siivino's first robbery was his twin brother's pacifier.

He grew up half-inching toys from children, and filching things from adults.

Once he even hid a ring up his little backside.

"Kleptomania!" - cried his family,

who decided to take him to a famous psychiatrist.

You know Silvino, first of all,

I'd just like to tell you that I'm surprised

because they brought me from so far away

to tell you that really it's not important,

it's a small problem.

Kleptomania. What is kleptomania?

Kleptomaniafs a mania like any other.

Like wind-surfing, like old-age, like macrobiotics...

Like tennis.

Like everyday things we keep inventing.

But kleptomania is a somewhat more pleasant mania,

because you bring home

things that can be useful.

Little home-made things, handicrafts...

Handicrafts, you know...

Handicrafts remind me of Lisbon,

the Lisbon of yesterday, of the day before yesterday, ancient Lisbon...

Local Lisbon. Does the East End still exist?

The tram down to the beach.

I bet it doesn't run any more...

Those old things... The knife grinders...

...with their funny music.

All those home-made things... There's kleptomania connected with that,

those handicrafts... And really,

they're just "small vices", typical of this country.

Small vices which don't have anything like organised crime,

like economics, like institutionalised corruption,

like everything industrialised, like everything scientific.

Laser beams haven't come to Portugal yet,

or if they have then just a little bit and then they don't work.

No, everything here's more homely.

After several rumbles in Lisbon,

Silvino Steak n'Chips took off, bound for the Americas.

And there he pulled off a few jobs

and was boss of a gang specialising in bank raids.

They were such specialists that they set up their own bank,

in which to deposit the millions they got from robbing the other banks.

It was the FBI that put a price on Sitvintfs head.

But poor old FBI,

they went round and round in circles in search of the genius of crime.

I gave the run around!

The FBI didn't even know that there was a country called East End.

O.K,

There are six of us. We'll take one more in the group.

Do you want in?

Let's vote.

Those in favour raise your hand.

- That's democracy for you! - Oh, great!

- That's three. - Those against?

- That makes two. - Any abstentions?

Me.

O.K. man, you got in by three votes to two with one abstention.

- So let's celebrate with a drink. - Amen.

Me neither.

I'm the narrator... I'm not in the film,

or at least, - honest! - I'm not in the gang. I swear it!

But I hang around here and I know them all.

I know what's happened and even what's going to happen.

Actually, you already know the life story of Pedro the Just,

Flévio the Lawyer, Arnaldo the Actor,

Slim Line Adelaide,

and little bastard Silvino Steak n'Chips.

But you don't know the story of Marlene and Renato!

But you must know it, I insist!

Remember that Renato is the boss of the gang

and that Marlene is Renato's other half. They were always together,

"for better or for worse", "in life and in death",

as they swore when they were still kids...

They've already left...

Marlene and Renato must have gone home. That's normal...

Especially now that they're planning a robbery.

A museum of all things!

Don't call the police, or you'll ruin the rest of the film.

Anyway they've already got problems,

problems they don't even know about themselves yet, but I can tell you:

Slim Line Adelaide is going to mysteriously disappear from this story.

Yes, it's me.

Yes.

What?

I don't know man, it's nothing to do with me.

No, man.

I don't know, send someone out to look for her.

No way man, the Italian won't let me.

O.K.

O.K.

O.K, man! Bye!

Renato, who is it?

It seems to be - and it is - a whee! chair...

it is, however, a very special wheel chair,

conceived in the minds of Renato the Peaceful and Flévio the Lawyer.

Though it looks harmless and pious, this wheel chair is...a battle tank.

And how does it work? Very simply...

Under the cushion there's an aluminium box containing a fearful weapon -

a swarm of bees!

Once in the museum - which we presume will be full of visitors -

the box will be opened, by means of a handle on the "driver's" side...

The bees will be freed, sowing panic throughout the museum,

with visitors and attendants fleeing heiter skeiter...

The white one...

- What is it? - A letter for you,

left in the Japanese Bar. I've got a feeling

it's one of Slim-Line's jokes. - Yes, it must be.

"Marlene,

"I know this letter's going to come as a shock,

"especially for Renato.

"I hope you forgive me for what I'm going to do.

"I thought for a long time before making this decision,

"but I couldn't say anything to you,

"it had to be done like this, in secret,

"but I'd like you to know that I'm still very fond of you

"and Renato and of all the others.

"Yesterday Carlos got out of prison,

"sent me a message and we met up in my room.

"Then he said the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

"He said we should go away together, to a country far away,

"far away from everything we've known up to now.

"By the time you get this letter we'll be well on our way.

"I ask you to understand why and to forgive me.

"I know it's come at a bad time now that Renato's got a big job in the offing,

but that's the way things go. It's destiny, as you usually say."

- And bloody good luck to them! - The idiot!

The idiot!

And just when everything was going so well.

Shit, I was relying on her.

Do we forget the whole thing?

No.

Nothing's changed.

Silvino can go in her place.

The dark days of Renatds childhood

were mixed up with the lights and sounds

of the Great International Circus.

There was Fred, Zaira and Marlene - "The Flying Family".

And down below, following them, like falling stars,

Renato - with his eyes transfixed on Marlene.

They flew from town to town,

for audiences thrilled by their triple death defying leap!

And there was the smell of sawdust soaked in blood.

And there was a clown - a poor little clown -

with his magic saw.

Fred, crippled for ever,

was eyeing (but now from the sidelines)

Zaira - the magic woman with her trained doves;

the poor clown, with his sad music;

the big top, blowing in the wind;

the arena, compelling, blood red under the spot lights;

the crowd, spellbound, fascinated...

Renato and Marlene - the two together, for life and death -

made their getaway,

far, far away from the Great International Circus.

Away from the circus music, from the smell of animals,

from the sawdust soaked in hot blood...

From the one-horse-towns, the bar room brawls, the flick knives...

Lost souls in the twilight, even though not yet criminals...

Comrades - for better or worse, in fife or death...

As Marlene liked to put it: "We were destined for each other!"

Whoever was passing the Guibenkian at that time

might just remember a little van, with red stripes on it,

heading for the Museum...

Or perhaps you won't remember,

because after all, the little while van with red stripes on it

didn't look anything special on the outside...

- Scared, were you? - It was a piece of cake!

- It was great! Great! - It was like a ballet, wasn't it?

What a great life we'll have at last!

At the same time in a downtown house, Silvino...

Well, the Laliques are mine now!

- Oh, shit! - What's wrong?

The bastard's pissed off in the confusion, hasn't he!?

- Oh, shit! - Now what?

- Oh, my God! - Now... Calm down, calm down!

We'll have to get him first. If the police nab him we're screwed.

Let's go! Where's my mask?

Sorry man, but you never know what's going to happen.

Yes, Sir! They won't get away!

Calling all cars... calling all cars...

White van with red stripes heading downtown...

Intercept immediately...

Watch the tourists! Watch the tourists!

Don't run over the tourists...

Waiting for your reply. Over.

They'll be slaughtered! They'll be slaughtered!

Orderly!

- Oh, the Laliques! - We've had it now!

- We've got the law after us now! - Button it!

TIME-OUT

We have to wait for the thieves to reach Bairro Alto...

- There he goes! Get him, Arnaldo! - He's dressed as a policeman!

Jesus, I'm seeing the film backwards!

Step on it! Get the bastard! He's heading for the motorway!

It's the first time I've chased a cop!

Stop, Silvino!

Oh, fuck!

- It's the force of destiny! - Yeah...

I knew right away this story would go wrong.

- No, idiot! Verdi! - Yes,

the one with the jewels! - The one with the operas!

Opera my ass, we're really screwed!

We are?

Stop, Silvino!

Silvino, stop!

Stop, Silvino!

Honourable thief Nickname you might say

Worked out his life To keep hunger away

New suit and tie Wheels and dolly bird too

Lost his head Finished without a sou

But who's who Who is he anyway

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

But who's who? Who is he anyway?

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

Honourable thief You're from another time

Born honest and good Lived a life of crime

Villain he was Villain long time ago

Villain these days ls a very different show

But who's who? Who is he anyway?

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

But who's who? Who is he anyway?

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

How many?

He's good, he's bad,

Just never got the breaks But he really is good

He just got fed up

Of being well used

And abused

Honourable thief Nickname, you might say

Worked out his life To keep hunger away

New suit and tie Wheels and dolly bird too

Lost his head Finished without a sou

But who's who? Who is he anyway?

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

But who's who? Who is he anyway?

Thief, who made him bad? How many of us are good?

How many?

How many?

THE END

Adaptation and Subtitling: Alexandra Valle / CRISTBET, Lda.