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This program is rated TVMAL and contains strong language and adult content.

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We are high priest.

This is the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen.

And now,

please welcome your roast master, Seth MacFarlane.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth MacFarlane. And yes, the big night is finally here.

Welcome to the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen.

Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest a man who was great in

things 25 years ago, Charlie Sheen.

Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV this evening when the show airs.

on Two and a Half Men, they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

No need to switch over, though. Just wait a few months. You can probably see

real thing.

I mean, we all know there's a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I

an obituary.

Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid picture due to his problems with drugs

alcohol, was found dead in his apartment.

Actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary.

I only had to change three things, though. The sex of the deceased, the

of the body, and the part that says, a talent that will be missed.

So I know Tyson's not going to kick the shit out of me. That's good news.

So we're going to take a few pokes at him here tonight, but there is no

that Charlie Sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV, you've seen him in movies, and if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point a gun at your face while you try to get him hot.

Let's take a look back at the work that paid for all that cocaine.

Gentlemen, back.

Hey, buddy.

They're off and running.

Now, cool out.

Oh, I am cool.

What are you looking at? What are you filing at?

I'm going to yacht you water ski behind. How much is enough?

I am your daughter.

No, you're not.

Our two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, are two times ten. Tiger

blood. Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

I'm by

winning. Winning.

Winning. Ready.

Cool, huh? Due to pending legal action, we are unable to show you a scene from

Two and a Half Men at this time.

Strike this mother... out.

Wild thing delivers!

You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on.

Check.

You know, I've lived a pretty wild life with the drinking and hookers and the

drugs and the hookers.

Such a pig.

You know, usually I have to date a woman before she treats me this way. There's

my life. Deal with it. It's on. Bring it. Winning. Goodbye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring out the man of the hour. He

went from Ferris Bueller's day off to having every day off.

Please welcome the rock star from Mars, Charlie Sheen.

Thank you. Thank you.

What?

Charlie.

Thank you.

There he sits, the man of the hour.

Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you've

banged, it's probably just Tiger Woods blood, I'm guessing.

You have a lot of nicknames for yourself. You say you're a Vatican

whatever that is. Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins. If they want to

shut someone up, they just buy them ice cream and tell them if they talk, Jesus

will kill their parents.

Now, as you may know, Charlie Sheen is not his birth name. His original Spanish

name is Señor Drugs.

Kidding aside, though, Carlos Estevez took his dad's name to gain credibility

an actor.

I've seen your films, and you don't really act like a sheen.

But, you know, with your rap sheet and briefcases of coke, you're definitely

acting like a Carlos.

Charlie went on to star in TV and film, both drama and comedy. He was the star

of Hot Shots, which is also what Charlie feels when

he takes a piss.

I really think you and Emilio should do a follow -up to the movie Men at Work,

and you can call it Men Who Don't Work Anymore. Right? That would be... I'll

help you write that.

But, of course, a very public meltdown changed the landscape.

It's interesting when you think about it. The firing of Charlie Sheen tells

all you really need to know about Hollywood. You can abuse drugs.

You can abuse your spouse. You can trash hotel rooms. You can solicit

prostitutes. But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy by his actual Jewish

name.

So now, Charlie is a self -contained unit. He is dependent upon no man and no

thing, except crack, jack, crank, meth, lewds, Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers,

poppers, E, nitrous, dust, hash, and this one boner medicine from Norway.

He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a penis.

He's still with us, Charlie Sheen. In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th

birthday.

A statement no one thought we would ever hear. Kind of like, get Jesselnik on

the phone.

Or Jeff Ross will pay for it.

Or John Lovett saying, one at a time, please.

Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you,

though, Charlie, I think she's lying.

Because I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street. You can't even

make yourself cry.

But, you know, with all those dangerous job shows on TV, like the ones about

crab fishing, ice road trucking, why is there no show about the most dangerous

job out there, being an escort for Charlie Sheen?

How long must we wait for the first season of Deadliest Snatch? I'm ready to

that right now.

Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live to see the night that you

live to see this night. I really didn't.

And now, our first roaster, John Lovett.

He was one of the stars of a Saturday Night Live cast that the critics have

hailed as not the worst.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of Two and a Half Chins, one of my

favorite SNL comics ever, John Lovett.

Thank

you

for that introduction, Seth MacFarlane.

Anyway, I am John Lovett, although I think most of you know me by my stage

J -Lo.

Well, look at this deus. Mike Tyson is here. Yes, sir.

You know, his boxing nickname is Iron Mike, which is what the guards used to

scream at him in the prison laundry.

I don't do that anymore, John.

Well, I know you don't do that anymore. You're not in prison anymore.

Just making it clear.

You're funny.

Hey, how did Amy Schumer get here?

I'd ask who's bitch she sucked to get on the dais, but she's dating Anthony

Jeselnik. So I'll just ask him.

Anthony, who's bitch did Amy suck to get on the dais?

Who else is... Oh, hello, Steve -O. Yes, sir.

Talked to Steve -O this morning. I said, how's your day going?

He said, great. I woke up, took a big shit, then got out of bed.

people on this day. I actually know Charlie and I'm famous.

No, he's my friend. I've known him for about 18 years and I can tell you he's

nothing like the character he plays on TMZ.

And people say, oh, he's crazy, you know, just because he likes beautiful

to come to his house, have sex with him and then leave.

What a nut.

First time I hung out with Charlie was at his house after the Super Bowl. A

bunch of hot chicks showed up and I looked up. I saw my old girlfriend and

Charlie put his arm around me and said, pick a hooker.

First time in my life I cried and came at the same time.

No, it wasn't.

And now a joke.

How much blow can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

Man has misunderstood.

Eight balls of heroin. Bad for you? Or as Charlie sees it, the most important

meal of the day.

Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while. He was all mixed up.

But he knew it was time to get straight when he put his dick in his coke and his

razor in his hooker.

And did you know, Charlie, according to the Torah, he's Jewish?

And not because his mother's a Jew, but because CBS paid him $50 million.

And he still sued the network.

Now listen, despite what you read, Charlie's still close to all of his

Why? Well, just recently, he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico, where he banged her

ass so hard, three balloons of coke fell out.

But Charlie the Gentleman, he put them back in.

Coming up, Kate Walsh. Oh, Charlie, wait till you see what the doctor's got in

order. Mike Tyson.

Amy Schumer.

Jeff Ross.

The real Gaddafi is hiding in Charlie Sheen's nostrils right now.

Diva. Anthony Jeselman.

William Shatner.

Patrice O 'Neill. And Charlie Sheen. Charlie, as you put it, that just

Our next roaster is Kate Walsh.

Why are you here?

Let me say that it is a thrill to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of

Let's give a big round of men applause for the beautiful and talented Kate

Walsh.

Seth MacFarlane, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie

in the closet is that the hooker eventually came out.

After years of playing a doctor on Grey's Anatomy in private practice,

actually think I'm a real doctor, so I figured I'm going to start giving some

professional diagnosis to these people over here.

For instance, Jeff Ross, your results have come back. And I'm going to tell

something that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots.

You tested positive.

Congratulations, Jeff.

And Jeff, listen, I know you're concerned about your complexion, but you

stop letting Mike Tyson all over your face.

He looks good. I like the way he looks. Thank you very much.

Anthony Jeselnik, I don't normally do this, but I have to break doctor

confidentiality. Your results came back, and it turns out that that

embarrassing, nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer.

And there is no cure.

I am so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here because a medical

colleague told me that you passed on.

I said bullshit.

Have you seen his resume? Shatner's never passed on anything.

Just wait.

You look great.

Your skin is so tight. I can't tell if you've had a facelift or vaginal

rejuvenation.

Thanks, O 'Neal. I understand you have diabetes, and as you know, this disease

is very serious and often linked to a poor diet. So my advice is simple.

Grape soda does not count as a fruit.

Mr. Sheen, the doctor, will see you now.

I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen. I guess

one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack.

You know, it's amazing. Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your

kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids.

Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes.

He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman who's already willing to fuck

him.

I drink to that.

Michael drinks to that.

But is Charlie really the worst guy here? So he made a chick blow him for 30

grand. Mike Tyson makes you blow him because that's it, though. That's why.

I drink to that, too.

Isn't that right, Steve -O?

I'm happy to say whether it's your Adonis DNA, your tiger blood, or the

called Charlie Sheen, for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine

and continue to survive.

I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week.

Thank you so much. Good night.

Steve -O. Just a bunch of people having a great time being mean to each other.

And Mike Tyson. Charlie, um, enjoyed a night of serious bamboshment. Done when

ripped your new asshole.

And, um, I still love you. No hard feelings.

All right.

Here comes Jeff Ross.

Who actually toured with Charlie.

You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic until I learned that he

actually is seriously for real mentally retarded.

And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero.

So please welcome America's special needs comedian, Jeff Ross.

Enlisters, enablers, lend Mike Tyson your ears.

Because this lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton

Kutcher.

What a bunch of nobodies we're left with. Is this a roast of the Republican

primaries?

This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown?

Charlie's meltdown was so bad, Al Gore's making a documentary about it.

Tell us, Charlie, how do you go from being TV's highest paid actor ever to

the highest actor ever to be on TV?

Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, he calls them the Hilton

sisters.

Instead of getting his life together, Charlie went out on a national comedy

tour.

Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage and you told the audience you

were a warlock from Mars.

Oh, maybe you are, but I'll tell you what you're not.

A comedian from Earth.

Charlie Sheen is to stand up what Larry Flint is to standing up.

winning then something's wrong with the scoreboard come on man

charlie if you're winning then this must not be a child custody hearing

only time your kids get to see you is in reruns

charlie don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps

Responsible for three Mighty Ducks movies.

You make your own father ashamed that he shares the same fake name as you.

Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said they would have been here tonight, but

had a family obligation.

I've been up to that house.

I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there.

The place is packed with whores. Charlie, you should be on hoarders.

Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex, he keeps his credit card under his balls

to save time.

Anthony Jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg Giraldo.

Let's hope so.

Flash, you were awesome in the opening of the show, man. That was cool.

Always in that top hat, man.

You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll.

Especially since you haven't had a hit in four score in seven years.

I'm kidding, Flash. Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year. That

was cool.

That was really cool.

at that. Looking good. Brooke Mueller, Charlie's ex. What's up, babe?

She's not very bright unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her.

Ah, John Levitz. Great job tonight, man. That was funny.

Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break.

John, what's your catchphrase?

Chinning.

And there's our old roast honoree, William Shatner, one of the coolest guys

the world.

I'm not going to make fun of him because he looks like he's on his final

frontier.

Hey, Captain Kirk, maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor.

You old pervert.

Backstage, you flashed Kate Walsh's graying anatomy.

And I can't believe I get to sit next to the Iron Mike Tyson, man. One of the

coolest, most amazing athletes in the world.

Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ.

Thank you, Jeff.

I bet you haven't been shit on this hard since you cleaned your pigeon coop this

morning.

Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one.

Listen, I'm not going to make fun of Mike Tyson.

That's right, because I'm going to shit on you tonight.

I know, I know. If you're willing to do that to your face, imagine what he would

do to mine.

What is that on your face? A target for pepper spray?

Mike, the ironic thing is after all the faces you bashed in, the one you f***ed

up the most is your own.

Hardest hitting right hook in history.

Your opponent spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie's ex -wives.

Too soon? Too soon?

Too real? Too real?

Has anybody seen your ex -goddess Brie Olsen's latest movie?

Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole, I was watching The

Rescue of the Chilean Minors.

Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight, you proved to all your fans

that you're the new king of the comebacks.

In fact,

you've won more backs than anyone in Hollywood.

Charlie, when you were on the tour, I roasted you eight times in eight

cities, and I got meaner every time you were a great sport, perhaps the greatest

sport. in roast history.

And I don't know what you're going to do next, but whatever you decide, I know

firsthand that there's an army of fans out there waiting to check it out and

support you in a big way.

I love you guys. Thank you so much.

Coming up.

We're not going to be bashing ourselves, but we're going to listen to Charlie

get bashed. Mike Tyson, Devo, and William Shatner. We roasted William

and now he's back.

Can you show everybody he's a good sport?

No, I'm not a good sport.

I'm not for revenge.

All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson.

Tyson's had three marriages. The first two ended in knockouts.

He's a guy... I'm doing the... Please don't murder me. He's a guy...

He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against except the letter

S.

So now...

Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, Iron Mike

Heister!

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Seth.

Oh, man.

Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life, I found inspiration

reading a great epic poet to Iliad.

So see, Seth, you're not the only person that's gotten by by taking ideas from

Homer.

Idiot over there.

Idiot with a two E. Okay.

All right.

Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster because, of course, you know,

everyone, I don't like hurting people.

And I'm living, you know, more of a spiritual life now through poetry.

And I've written...

Well,

you know, I've written, you know, many verses in my secret garden, and now I'd

like to share them with a few of you here today.

Thank you, everybody.

Well, this will be an honor, because as the Bard once said, all the world's a

stage, and Charlie's been booed off the mall.

Okay.

In this first verse, you'll recognize the classic AABBA poetic structure.

There once was an old man named Ross whose jokes were covered with moss.

His punchline was musty. His premise was dusty.

I wish he was going to exhaust, you know?

Oh, so excuse me.

What you gonna do, Jeff?

I must say, you know, I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque

face, Jeff, you know.

Normally when I'm next to somebody whose face is as grotesque as yours, they

throw in the f***ing towel, man. You're a mess, man.

During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off, you know.

F***ing f***, man.

That was the best part.

Now, come on, stop. I got to do this shit right. I didn't do well in school,

but I'm trying to do this shit.

All right.

Charlie, our next poem was inspired by the great Emily Dickerson, who I

a real goddess.

You know, whatever happened to them hoes, man?

Charlie, let me remind you something every man must know.

Once the money goes, So does the hoes. Trust me on that one, Charlie.

Come on, let's keep it real. You know, Brooke, Charlie had every f***ing

known to man.

But still, you suck his d*** before you shake Steve -O's hand.

You know?

That's just it, right?

This white, beaten coke head claims he's some rock star from Mars.

Man, if he was black, he'd be behind bars, you know?

Bullshit, because I'm the greatest poet alive.

I'm the greatest wordsmith ever.

I'm Robin Frost.

I'm Lord Byron. My verses are impetuous. My rhymes are impregnable.

I want to eat your children.

Of

course, I'm

using poetic lessons, and they haven't revoked that one yet.

And thank you all, guys.

May your guys continue and resume to...

Being nasty and talking mean to one another.

God bless you.

Bye, guys.

I'm finished.

Still to come.

Anthony Gentleman.

Charlie Sheen keeps saying he's winning.

That guy couldn't win a goddamn coin toss.

William Shatner.

You sit down.

And Charlie Sheen. You can't help but feel for him because he's your friend.

Plus, you know, he owes me a hooker, so I'm looking for...

Does anybody know where he is? Our

next

roaster is Anthony Jeselnik.

Anthony Jeselnik's act combines the excitement of standing there with the

of saying words.

You know him best from me saying his name right now. Please welcome...

A man who's got a bright future in something other than comedy, Anthony

Thank you. Seth MacFarlane, everybody, huh?

This is MacFarlane's third time hosting the show, which has come as no surprise.

Because when Seth MacFarlane does something, by God, he repeats the living

out of it.

My good friend Jeff Ross is here.

Even though it's laundry day.

And Kate Wall, I don't watch that stupid show you're on.

But I did think it was interesting that you have your own line of perfume.

For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a...

I'm

glad William Shatner could squeeze this roast into his schedule.

In between cosmetic surgeries.

Bill, your face is so plastic that when you're done with it, They're going to

have to cut it up into little pieces so that birds don't die.

What's up, Steve -O?

Steve -O, I know you were in a dark place for a while. You were struggling.

now you're trying stand -up comedy.

I actually saw you perform once at the Comedy Cellar. And here's some free

advice, Steve -O.

Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O 'Neill is here.

You literally cannot miss him.

Holy Christ, you're fat. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite

your fingernails.

Mike Tyson.

That's the whole joke.

Mike Tyson, I love you. You're my favorite boxer of all time.

I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you.

Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson that hasn't already been the title

a Richard Pryor album?

Oh, shit.

You got it. I did. Patrice got it. Too many white people to get that. Too many

white people?

You know what no one ever says? It's too few black people.

Mike, to me, you will always be the champion.

You will always be the champion.

Thank you very much.

The champion of having more shit on your face than seal.

Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face.

So that every time he looks in the mirror, he can be proud that converting

Islam is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done.

That's good.

We regret it.

I will later.

And now for the man of the hour, Mr. Charlie Sheen.

understand why you're not grateful for what you have right now.

I mean, after all, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is because

God hates Michael J. Fox.

Charlie, you are a monster.

Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law & Order SVU.

You've convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for

syndrome.

And Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you

You thought you were going to go back to your TV show after calling your boss a

Jew.

If people got to keep their jobs after calling their boss a Jew, Charlie,

then everyone would do it.

But Charlie.

Despite everything I've just said.

You're a good sport for being here tonight.

Thanks for letting me be here, too. Thank you, everybody.

Thanks.

The Comedy Central Road with Charlie Feen is brought to you by 5 -Hour Energy

and FIFA Soccer 2012.

Still to come, Devo. This is critical if I'm going to have a future beyond

breaking bones and shoving things up my butt.

Amy Schumer.

I'm going to get shit, babe. I'm going to be flaring and throwing up on

strangers. And Patrice O 'Neal.

This should be my last show.

Our next

roaster is Devo.

This guy makes it easy for us to bust his balls and pull his leg because his

balls are usually stapled to his leg.

So now, please give up your horse semen for Steve -O.

What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson.

The last time I hung out with Mike, we locked ourselves in a bathroom and

through five grams of cocaine.

But Mike's really changed his ways, though.

See, here he is taking a beating for a check, and it hasn't been made out to

King.

Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress, but

most people don't know her at all.

And my hero, Charlie Sheen.

He definitely has tiger blood coursing through his veins.

Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict.

Dude, your nose is like my ass.

There's nothing you won't shove up there.

I've been clean and sober for three and a half years now.

But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom.

I know he's looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there's a rock

there.

You know, when Charlie started referring to his girlfriends as goddesses, I was

confused. So I looked it up in the dictionary.

It said goddesses, plural, noun, two dumpsters who got sick of

buying their own drugs.

But Charlie, don't ever pretend that you're not a totally bitch and rock star

for Mars, because you are.

And I love you.

And I am so grateful that you've let me be a part of this tonight.

Right now, I'm going to do something insanely stupid for you.

I am going to attempt to get a black eye from the former heavyweight champion of

the world.

ready. Let me get that fist.

We're not going to call the police or anything after this.

All right.

One, two, three.

I think that'll do it.

what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess. All right.

All right, what can I say about Amy Schumer?

I actually mean that sincerely. I've never heard of this woman.

So please get ready for the comedy stylings of the fourth runner -up of the

fifth season of Last Comic Standing, Amy Schumer.

Mike Tyson.

Am I saying that right?

Wasn't he great up here?

No, I'm asking. I couldn't understand a word he said.

Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying.

Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection?

Sometimes. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, hey, hey, Mike, here's

you'll never hear. Great tattoo.

You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face.

I don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it.

It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded. It's like Patrice's

grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch.

I'm just assuming she raised you.

Patrice O 'Neill, one of my favorite comics. Patrice has always been destined

for stardom and diabetes.

So tonight... is not just the roast of Charlie Sheen. It's also a farewell

for Patrice's foot.

Holy shit.

Evil.

I was sitting next to this bitch the whole time. I didn't know this was

That's true.

If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in, she'd look like a

fucking porcupine.

It's his interpreter here.

What's your last name?

Vandersloot. What is it?

You have all the likability of a Hitler youth. Look at you.

Speaking of Kate Walsh. Kate, to some people, Grey's Anatomy is more than a TV

show. In fact, Grey's Anatomy is what William Shatner calls his balls.

Right?

William.

I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers.

What's going on?

And Steve -O is here. Steve -O, great try.

Steve -O!

But I truly am, no joke, sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. I know

must have been thinking it could have been me, and I know we were all

why wasn't it?

Thank you.

away from me.

Speaking of things that should already be dead, Charlie Sheen is still alive.

Charlie, I'm a fan. You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise

Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly

being killed by Charlie.

But there's no denying how famous you are. I mean, it was international news

when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you.

You know, your daughters.

But no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis.

You know, you were big in the 80s and now you're old slot being filled with

Ashton Kutcher.

But all joking aside, if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, I'm

your gal. Thanks for having me.

You know what's funny? I've never met William Shatner. Coming up, William

Shatner. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting Shatner.

Patrice O 'Neill. That's just crazy, man. And Charlie Sheen. Wow, look at

statues.

Sorry. What was the question?

All right, our next roaster is the legendary William Shatner.

Here he is. I can't joke about this guy because I think he's the greatest.

The guy who played Captain Kirk back before Star Trek looked like a bunch of

guys working in a Mac store, William Shatner.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Keep it going for a test, Bono.

Uh, Charlie.

I was driving by tonight, and I heard that they were doing a roast, and I

thought, what a great, great opportunity to offer this young Mexican a bit of

fatherly advice he so clearly hasn't been getting.

You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now, and I think that I can

bestow on you some of the vast wisdom from my experience in this wonderful

business of entertainment.

First off, Charlie, I'm 80 years old.

You're what, 47?

46. How come we look like we went to high school together?

You're going too fast, son. You've got to slow down and smell the roses, my

That's why I have such a storied and illustrious career.

Because I'm patient.

I was willing to wait a long time to get into the right projects.

Just like Patricia O 'Neill's family.

Okay, sorry.

You're out of a job. Don't feel sad.

I know another famous guy who was kind to whores and always kept 12 losers

around. And he got crucified by Jews, too.

And people worship that guy.

Look, look, Carlos.

I've had my share.

The wild times with the senoritas.

I've had sex in space with green women.

Sure, you've had sex with blue women because unlike you, they couldn't handle

their drugs.

that kind of press, Charlie.

In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, I had to do something drastic

like kiss a black girl or let an Asian drive.

May I suggest to you, Charlie, that

you re -examine your relations with women?

Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn't anyone told you that

will sleep with you for free?

That's Hollywood 101.

You should have called.

You know what will help you get through this tough spot?

You have to give something back.

See, I was recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney

for $75 ,000.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you understand what I've done?

I synthesized uric acid.

and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for

Humanity.

Who's the warlock now, bitch?

Actually, Emilio, we're not that different.

You're a rock star from Mars.

Yes, you are.

And as one rocket man to another,

If I may give you my most important piece of advice tonight, never,

ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline .com.

Charlie,

see, you take it from the master, that little subtle plug there, $65 right in

the pocket.

Look at the time. Oh, geez.

Simply, I must get home. I want to catch that new Ashton Kutcher show.

Do you know him?

Nice guy.

I went to high school with his wife.

Thank you very much.

He was so fattenery. How awesome was that?

Our next roaster is Patrice O 'Neill.

You may recognize Patrice from his many speaking roles in movies, but only if

you've sat in front of him in a theater.

I know.

I know. Some of these jokes may come off racist, which is why it's important to

remember that Rosa Parks fought so Patrice could take three seats on the

So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris Farley after a mineshaft

the very funny Patrice O 'Neill.

Thank you very much.

I, uh, it's strange because I had all this planned shit, but I didn't.

I didn't know William Shatner was going to be quasi like an old racist man. But

everybody's giggling like, whoa, you're an

asshole, Captain Kirk.

What are you talking about?

Like, I don't respect him, but I respect him because he's Captain Kirk.

But I think he might be racist because his hair plugs look like black girls'

hair.

This is amazing.

Like, I wasn't going to be mean to Anthony. I don't know him. I never met

Like, so I'm sitting here watching him, and I'm like, he has way too much

confidence.

Like, in my world, he's an open mic. Nobody knows him.

And nobody should. Like, nobody should know Anthony.

I refuse to learn his last shitty name.

I learned Galifianakis.

That's the last shitty last name.

This is what you're going to learn in this fucking town.

He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter. Like, his old demeanor, like,

hello, may I welcome to, and you just want to go shut the fuck up and bring me

my giant turkey leg, you nothing.

How the fuck can I be too mean?

after all this shit. I can't believe it. I'm dying of diabetes and you

motherfuckers are like, oh, that evil fat, you know.

I consider Seth an icon. I do. Like, I got a critique about Seth.

It's too much Seth.

It's... Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation.

Where he wants to prove I'm better than the cartoons.

But he's not better than the cartoons.

See, but I think the problem is with Seth is that he don't have a partner.

You know, like the South Park guys or Hanna -Barbera.

I know we've read that old story that Hanna once said, I'm bigger than Yogi.

Barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that.

Seth needs a Barbera.

To slap him and slap him twice.

Once to say, hey man, don't forget why people love you.

And two, just say you're gay.

No straight man writes that many show

tunes. That's a fact.

I love Mike Tyson and I don't have much to say. I'm just disappointed and hurt

at how much.

comfort white people have around you now. I don't like it.

As Steve -O, this noose of dude not drunk you, it stinks, man.

Why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. Shatner, sir? You're like,

had more for that. I didn't say it. I should have said it because he's an

asshole.

Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess.

Look, Jeff Ross is a legend. His funniness is a legend.

But when I say legend, I mean a myth.

Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. We all believe they exist, but who

ever saw it?

I've turned down many roasts. I have. About three or four of them. And I said

yes to this, and I'm dead -ass serious. I said yes to this because I respect

Charlie Sheen. I do. I say yes because I respect... Not his body of work.

Like, not... It's all been very Christian Slayer -ish. Like, it's just

He sucks, but he's good. But he sucks at the same time.

His stand that he made against the business, I think this is a business,

stood up. He still survived.

And he proved that nobody can keep like a sheen down, you know.

They can keep Estevez down because his brother.

And he's the good one that most do everything right. And that career is

Holy.

Tiger blood? He's selling his own blood to make money.

But I want to say to your eyes, man, I love that you stood up to what you

thought was wrong. And I'm impressed by you. And I wanted to say that.

So thank you, man. Thanks for having me. Y 'all take care. Thank you.

Charlie Sheen goes off.

He's winning. I mean, when you're winning, you can take anything.

Give it as good as you get it, my friend.

I hope all you clowns are ready for my sheen yet.

And now it is time for the moment we've all been waiting for.

We're going to get to hear a ranting tirade from the man himself.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a man with a big heart because it's been

dangerously enlarged by cocaine use.

Charlie Dean.

Hello. I'm Charlie.

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

What a night.

Until tonight, I never realized how up I was.

All this time, I thought I was just having fun.

Yeah, it's true.

It's true. I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years.

Losers.

drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores.

But to have you all here on one night is really special.

My thanks to Seth MacFarlane.

Great job tonight.

Look at you, Seth. You've got the spray -on tan, the waxed eyebrows.

The pec implants, halogen teeth, the bleached anus,

the scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement,

taint augmentation.

But I got to admit, I envy you.

You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still, even with all the work

you've had done, you can walk down the street totally unrecognized.

Tonight, I put all the craziness behind me.

I say let the past stay in the past with John Lovitz.

Steve -O, you're an animal, man.

People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal.

This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back.

There it is.

There it is.

Even he knows it was a huge mistake because it makes Johnny Knoxville's go

Hate law.

I don't know anyone who watches your show.

Because I date women who can still get their period.

Anthony Jeselnik.

I really liked your slow, measured delivery.

It's as if you were trying to savor the moment.

Years from now, when you're locking up at Radio Shack, you'll look back at

tonight and say, I wish I

was funnier.

The only thing slower than your delivery is Patrice O 'Neill's metabolism.

When I first saw Patrice on this stage, I thought the same thing we all did.

Why is Mike Tyson's mother here?

But Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike, you were fantastic tonight.

By the way, Mike, I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger. I was

going through a weird phase.

Ah, look, there he is.

Jeff Ross.

Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit is perfect for you because you have what I

call a Libyan faith.

By that I mean it's revolting.

Oh, hey, look, look.

It's former funny man John Lovitz.

Just last week we were out on the golf course. We chatted, had a few laughs,

then he got back on the mower and drove off.

Amy Schumer, great job.

You really f***ed me tonight.

Which I did because I'm into anonymous sex.

And no one's more anonymous here than Amy Schumer.

I mean, I'm Charlie f***ing Sheen. They know me on Mars.

They don't know you in this room.

You know, I personally asked that William Shatner be here only because I

some clean urine.

I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.

You've always been an inspiration to my acting.

It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act like an asshole until

rest of the cast stopped speaking to me.

But look, this has been both enlightening and fun.

You are all worthy adversaries.

But the thing is, once again, I have come out unscathed.

You can't hurt me.

Hell, I can't even hurt me.

Drugs couldn't kill me.

Sex couldn't kill me.

The press couldn't kill me. Two and a half men couldn't kill me.

Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me?

I'm the wild thing. Ricky and Vaughn, man.

You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos.

At 10 years old, I was on the set of Apocalypse Now in the Philippine jungle

playing with severed heads and Colonel Kurtz's compound.

When I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the film was drugs.

I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid.

After Platoon, Wall Street, and Major League, I went on to have the biggest

salary on television.

Sounds great, right?

It was.

No, really, it was.

I did porn stars.

I did drugs.

I had my own television show.

And then, then I did the one thing that everyone in America really wishes they

could do.

I told my boss to go off.

And then it was gone.

In one fiery public flame out.

And it was only when the smoke cleared, I realized.

Just how lucky I am.

Because even after all that, I still have a family that loves me.

That's why they're not here tonight.

Yeah, they've seen me in jail.

They've seen me rush to emergency rooms.

They've seen me dragged into court.

But seeing me on basic cable would kill them.

But I know, I know that my family will always be there for me.

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm done with the winning

because I've already won.

This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen.

And in here, in here burns.

An eternal fire.

I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.

I'll see you all on the next adventure.

I love you. Good night. Thank you.

Yeah. Come on, Steve -O.

Don't hurt me.

Oh, shit. That's the way they're not.

That's the way they're not.

You okay? That's the way they're not.

Broken nose. You all right?

You all right? Broken nose. Oh, shit.

He broke his nose.

I'm sorry.

It's his fault, dude.

It's not his fault.

We need a medic.

I need a medic for this man. No, no, no. It's all good, man.

Steve -O.

Steve -O? Yeah.

What the?

You're beautiful, man. I don't even know what that guy. You're beautiful.