1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,380 This program is rated TVMAL and contains strong language and adult content. 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:04,520 Viewer discretion advised. 3 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,280 We are high priest. 4 00:00:46,890 --> 00:00:50,510 This is the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. 5 00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:55,950 And now, 6 00:00:58,610 --> 00:01:01,830 please welcome your roast master, Seth MacFarlane. 7 00:01:17,130 --> 00:01:18,128 Thank you very much. 8 00:01:18,130 --> 00:01:19,590 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 9 00:01:19,810 --> 00:01:23,990 I'm Seth MacFarlane. And yes, the big night is finally here. 10 00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:27,490 Welcome to the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen. 11 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:38,390 Yes, we're here tonight to honor and hopefully arrest a man who was great in 12 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,710 things 25 years ago, Charlie Sheen. 13 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:46,340 Actually, there's a lot of sheen on TV this evening when the show airs. 14 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,800 on Two and a Half Men, they're actually having Charlie's pretend funeral, 15 00:01:49,940 --> 00:01:50,940 believe it or not. 16 00:01:51,220 --> 00:01:54,120 No need to switch over, though. Just wait a few months. You can probably see 17 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:55,120 real thing. 18 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:05,380 I mean, we all know there's a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I 19 00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:06,800 an obituary. 20 00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:15,720 Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid picture due to his problems with drugs 21 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,100 alcohol, was found dead in his apartment. 22 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:19,440 Actually, you know what? 23 00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:23,340 I kind of actually just copied Amy Winehouse's obituary. 24 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:29,580 I only had to change three things, though. The sex of the deceased, the 25 00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:32,320 of the body, and the part that says, a talent that will be missed. 26 00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:45,800 So I know Tyson's not going to kick the shit out of me. That's good news. 27 00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:50,420 So we're going to take a few pokes at him here tonight, but there is no 28 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,700 that Charlie Sheen is an icon. 29 00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:57,040 You've seen him on TV, you've seen him in movies, and if you're a prostitute, 30 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,560 you've seen him point a gun at your face while you try to get him hot. 31 00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:06,440 Let's take a look back at the work that paid for all that cocaine. 32 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,680 Gentlemen, back. 33 00:03:14,030 --> 00:03:14,948 Hey, buddy. 34 00:03:14,950 --> 00:03:16,190 They're off and running. 35 00:03:16,450 --> 00:03:17,450 Now, cool out. 36 00:03:18,610 --> 00:03:19,630 Oh, I am cool. 37 00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:26,350 What are you looking at? What are you filing at? 38 00:03:27,670 --> 00:03:30,610 I'm going to yacht you water ski behind. How much is enough? 39 00:03:30,990 --> 00:03:31,990 I am your daughter. 40 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:33,090 No, you're not. 41 00:03:34,350 --> 00:03:39,270 Our two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, are two times ten. Tiger 42 00:03:39,270 --> 00:03:40,730 blood. Yes, it's real. 43 00:03:40,950 --> 00:03:42,030 It's as real as me. 44 00:03:57,589 --> 00:04:00,390 I'm by 45 00:04:00,390 --> 00:04:06,130 winning. Winning. 46 00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:19,529 Winning. Ready. 47 00:04:20,089 --> 00:04:23,470 Cool, huh? Due to pending legal action, we are unable to show you a scene from 48 00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:24,610 Two and a Half Men at this time. 49 00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:28,390 Strike this mother... out. 50 00:04:28,630 --> 00:04:29,870 Wild thing delivers! 51 00:04:35,350 --> 00:04:39,590 You are the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on. 52 00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:41,030 Check. 53 00:04:44,490 --> 00:04:48,210 You know, I've lived a pretty wild life with the drinking and hookers and the 54 00:04:48,210 --> 00:04:49,690 drugs and the hookers. 55 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,630 Such a pig. 56 00:04:51,930 --> 00:04:55,190 You know, usually I have to date a woman before she treats me this way. There's 57 00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:58,690 my life. Deal with it. It's on. Bring it. Winning. Goodbye. 58 00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:09,610 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring out the man of the hour. He 59 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:12,870 went from Ferris Bueller's day off to having every day off. 60 00:05:13,770 --> 00:05:17,650 Please welcome the rock star from Mars, Charlie Sheen. 61 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:11,920 Thank you. Thank you. 62 00:06:13,980 --> 00:06:14,980 What? 63 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,240 Charlie. 64 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:22,680 Thank you. 65 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,840 There he sits, the man of the hour. 66 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:30,380 Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood, but with all the porn stars you've 67 00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,040 banged, it's probably just Tiger Woods blood, I'm guessing. 68 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,880 You have a lot of nicknames for yourself. You say you're a Vatican 69 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,220 whatever that is. Charlie, the Vatican does not have assassins. If they want to 70 00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:48,860 shut someone up, they just buy them ice cream and tell them if they talk, Jesus 71 00:06:48,860 --> 00:06:49,860 will kill their parents. 72 00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:02,220 Now, as you may know, Charlie Sheen is not his birth name. His original Spanish 73 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,940 name is Señor Drugs. 74 00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:12,810 Kidding aside, though, Carlos Estevez took his dad's name to gain credibility 75 00:07:12,810 --> 00:07:13,810 an actor. 76 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:17,330 I've seen your films, and you don't really act like a sheen. 77 00:07:17,650 --> 00:07:20,970 But, you know, with your rap sheet and briefcases of coke, you're definitely 78 00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:22,110 acting like a Carlos. 79 00:07:24,750 --> 00:07:28,610 Charlie went on to star in TV and film, both drama and comedy. He was the star 80 00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:35,590 of Hot Shots, which is also what Charlie feels when 81 00:07:35,590 --> 00:07:36,590 he takes a piss. 82 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:43,110 I really think you and Emilio should do a follow -up to the movie Men at Work, 83 00:07:43,170 --> 00:07:48,090 and you can call it Men Who Don't Work Anymore. Right? That would be... I'll 84 00:07:48,090 --> 00:07:49,090 help you write that. 85 00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:53,310 But, of course, a very public meltdown changed the landscape. 86 00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:56,850 It's interesting when you think about it. The firing of Charlie Sheen tells 87 00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:59,350 all you really need to know about Hollywood. You can abuse drugs. 88 00:07:59,830 --> 00:08:03,330 You can abuse your spouse. You can trash hotel rooms. You can solicit 89 00:08:03,330 --> 00:08:07,530 prostitutes. But don't you ever, ever call a Jewish guy by his actual Jewish 90 00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:08,530 name. 91 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:24,530 So now, Charlie is a self -contained unit. He is dependent upon no man and no 92 00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:29,470 thing, except crack, jack, crank, meth, lewds, Vicodin, blow, acid, uppers, 93 00:08:29,470 --> 00:08:32,429 poppers, E, nitrous, dust, hash, and this one boner medicine from Norway. 94 00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:38,570 He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a penis. 95 00:08:51,340 --> 00:08:55,220 He's still with us, Charlie Sheen. In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th 96 00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:56,220 birthday. 97 00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:05,380 A statement no one thought we would ever hear. Kind of like, get Jesselnik on 98 00:09:05,380 --> 00:09:06,380 the phone. 99 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:12,580 Or Jeff Ross will pay for it. 100 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,440 Or John Lovett saying, one at a time, please. 101 00:09:27,660 --> 00:09:32,080 Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you, 102 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,160 though, Charlie, I think she's lying. 103 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:36,960 Because I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street. You can't even 104 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:37,960 make yourself cry. 105 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,460 But, you know, with all those dangerous job shows on TV, like the ones about 106 00:09:47,460 --> 00:09:52,360 crab fishing, ice road trucking, why is there no show about the most dangerous 107 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,140 job out there, being an escort for Charlie Sheen? 108 00:09:56,780 --> 00:10:01,220 How long must we wait for the first season of Deadliest Snatch? I'm ready to 109 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:03,020 that right now. 110 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,380 Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live to see the night that you 111 00:10:10,380 --> 00:10:11,900 live to see this night. I really didn't. 112 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,360 And now, our first roaster, John Lovett. 113 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:23,700 He was one of the stars of a Saturday Night Live cast that the critics have 114 00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:24,900 hailed as not the worst. 115 00:10:27,530 --> 00:10:31,410 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of Two and a Half Chins, one of my 116 00:10:31,410 --> 00:10:34,150 favorite SNL comics ever, John Lovett. 117 00:10:39,810 --> 00:10:40,210 Thank 118 00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:47,210 you 119 00:10:47,210 --> 00:10:49,470 for that introduction, Seth MacFarlane. 120 00:10:51,030 --> 00:10:54,330 Anyway, I am John Lovett, although I think most of you know me by my stage 121 00:10:54,510 --> 00:10:55,510 J -Lo. 122 00:10:58,030 --> 00:11:01,510 Well, look at this deus. Mike Tyson is here. Yes, sir. 123 00:11:01,730 --> 00:11:05,750 You know, his boxing nickname is Iron Mike, which is what the guards used to 124 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,070 scream at him in the prison laundry. 125 00:11:07,690 --> 00:11:09,570 I don't do that anymore, John. 126 00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:14,310 Well, I know you don't do that anymore. You're not in prison anymore. 127 00:11:15,490 --> 00:11:16,690 Just making it clear. 128 00:11:21,930 --> 00:11:22,930 You're funny. 129 00:11:24,690 --> 00:11:26,670 Hey, how did Amy Schumer get here? 130 00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:30,800 I'd ask who's bitch she sucked to get on the dais, but she's dating Anthony 131 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,060 Jeselnik. So I'll just ask him. 132 00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,240 Anthony, who's bitch did Amy suck to get on the dais? 133 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:43,060 Who else is... Oh, hello, Steve -O. Yes, sir. 134 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,280 Talked to Steve -O this morning. I said, how's your day going? 135 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:50,600 He said, great. I woke up, took a big shit, then got out of bed. 136 00:11:56,620 --> 00:12:01,200 people on this day. I actually know Charlie and I'm famous. 137 00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:07,220 No, he's my friend. I've known him for about 18 years and I can tell you he's 138 00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:09,180 nothing like the character he plays on TMZ. 139 00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:16,520 And people say, oh, he's crazy, you know, just because he likes beautiful 140 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,800 to come to his house, have sex with him and then leave. 141 00:12:20,060 --> 00:12:21,100 What a nut. 142 00:12:26,670 --> 00:12:29,770 First time I hung out with Charlie was at his house after the Super Bowl. A 143 00:12:29,770 --> 00:12:34,630 bunch of hot chicks showed up and I looked up. I saw my old girlfriend and 144 00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:37,830 Charlie put his arm around me and said, pick a hooker. 145 00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:42,970 First time in my life I cried and came at the same time. 146 00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:46,010 No, it wasn't. 147 00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:50,670 And now a joke. 148 00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,910 How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? 149 00:12:53,210 --> 00:12:54,770 Enough to kill two and a half men. 150 00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:06,260 Man has misunderstood. 151 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:10,820 Eight balls of heroin. Bad for you? Or as Charlie sees it, the most important 152 00:13:10,820 --> 00:13:11,820 meal of the day. 153 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:16,520 Now, sure, things got pretty crazy for a while. He was all mixed up. 154 00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:20,380 But he knew it was time to get straight when he put his dick in his coke and his 155 00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:21,380 razor in his hooker. 156 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,840 And did you know, Charlie, according to the Torah, he's Jewish? 157 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,480 And not because his mother's a Jew, but because CBS paid him $50 million. 158 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,200 And he still sued the network. 159 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:43,640 Now listen, despite what you read, Charlie's still close to all of his 160 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:47,960 Why? Well, just recently, he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico, where he banged her 161 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,080 ass so hard, three balloons of coke fell out. 162 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:59,820 But Charlie the Gentleman, he put them back in. 163 00:14:14,510 --> 00:14:18,270 Coming up, Kate Walsh. Oh, Charlie, wait till you see what the doctor's got in 164 00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:19,810 order. Mike Tyson. 165 00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:21,090 Amy Schumer. 166 00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:22,330 Jeff Ross. 167 00:14:22,350 --> 00:14:25,310 The real Gaddafi is hiding in Charlie Sheen's nostrils right now. 168 00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:27,650 Diva. Anthony Jeselman. 169 00:14:28,770 --> 00:14:30,170 William Shatner. 170 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:35,010 Patrice O 'Neill. And Charlie Sheen. Charlie, as you put it, that just 171 00:14:42,410 --> 00:14:44,550 Our next roaster is Kate Walsh. 172 00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:49,630 Why are you here? 173 00:14:50,750 --> 00:14:55,570 Let me say that it is a thrill to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 174 00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:03,510 Let's give a big round of men applause for the beautiful and talented Kate 175 00:15:03,510 --> 00:15:04,510 Walsh. 176 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,520 Seth MacFarlane, the only difference between you and the hooker Charlie 177 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,940 in the closet is that the hooker eventually came out. 178 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:37,060 After years of playing a doctor on Grey's Anatomy in private practice, 179 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:41,600 actually think I'm a real doctor, so I figured I'm going to start giving some 180 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,360 professional diagnosis to these people over here. 181 00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:50,710 For instance, Jeff Ross, your results have come back. And I'm going to tell 182 00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,850 something that you have never heard about any of your TV pilots. 183 00:15:55,230 --> 00:15:56,570 You tested positive. 184 00:15:59,770 --> 00:16:01,010 Congratulations, Jeff. 185 00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:06,110 And Jeff, listen, I know you're concerned about your complexion, but you 186 00:16:06,110 --> 00:16:08,850 stop letting Mike Tyson all over your face. 187 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,140 He looks good. I like the way he looks. Thank you very much. 188 00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:28,240 Anthony Jeselnik, I don't normally do this, but I have to break doctor 189 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,320 confidentiality. Your results came back, and it turns out that that 190 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,300 embarrassing, nasty parasite on your penis is Amy Schumer. 191 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,320 And there is no cure. 192 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:46,880 I am so, so happy to see that William Shatner is here because a medical 193 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,680 colleague told me that you passed on. 194 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:51,700 I said bullshit. 195 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,520 Have you seen his resume? Shatner's never passed on anything. 196 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:01,760 Just wait. 197 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,079 You look great. 198 00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:10,160 Your skin is so tight. I can't tell if you've had a facelift or vaginal 199 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,160 rejuvenation. 200 00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:18,980 Thanks, O 'Neal. I understand you have diabetes, and as you know, this disease 201 00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:23,640 is very serious and often linked to a poor diet. So my advice is simple. 202 00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:26,380 Grape soda does not count as a fruit. 203 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,020 Mr. Sheen, the doctor, will see you now. 204 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:37,120 I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen. I guess 205 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,980 one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack. 206 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:48,500 You know, it's amazing. Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your 207 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:51,580 kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids. 208 00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:02,440 Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes. 209 00:18:02,740 --> 00:18:06,140 He's the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman who's already willing to fuck 210 00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:07,140 him. 211 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,020 I drink to that. 212 00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:16,130 Michael drinks to that. 213 00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:21,650 But is Charlie really the worst guy here? So he made a chick blow him for 30 214 00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:25,890 grand. Mike Tyson makes you blow him because that's it, though. That's why. 215 00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:35,050 I drink to that, too. 216 00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,750 Isn't that right, Steve -O? 217 00:18:45,420 --> 00:18:50,020 I'm happy to say whether it's your Adonis DNA, your tiger blood, or the 218 00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:55,420 called Charlie Sheen, for some reason, you're able to defy science and medicine 219 00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:56,700 and continue to survive. 220 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,200 I'll pencil you in for your relapse next week. 221 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:03,480 Thank you so much. Good night. 222 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:18,300 Steve -O. Just a bunch of people having a great time being mean to each other. 223 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:23,480 And Mike Tyson. Charlie, um, enjoyed a night of serious bamboshment. Done when 224 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,520 ripped your new asshole. 225 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,520 And, um, I still love you. No hard feelings. 226 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,140 All right. 227 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,180 Here comes Jeff Ross. 228 00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:44,240 Who actually toured with Charlie. 229 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,740 You know, I always thought Jeff was a terrible comic until I learned that he 230 00:19:47,740 --> 00:19:50,920 actually is seriously for real mentally retarded. 231 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,120 And now I think he's an inspiration and a hero. 232 00:19:56,320 --> 00:20:00,220 So please welcome America's special needs comedian, Jeff Ross. 233 00:20:18,780 --> 00:20:23,120 Enlisters, enablers, lend Mike Tyson your ears. 234 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:32,720 Because this lineup is so pathetic, I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton 235 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:33,720 Kutcher. 236 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:42,020 What a bunch of nobodies we're left with. Is this a roast of the Republican 237 00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:43,020 primaries? 238 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,620 This is hard. How do you roast a meltdown? 239 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,480 Charlie's meltdown was so bad, Al Gore's making a documentary about it. 240 00:20:59,540 --> 00:21:05,440 Tell us, Charlie, how do you go from being TV's highest paid actor ever to 241 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,820 the highest actor ever to be on TV? 242 00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:14,060 Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke, he calls them the Hilton 243 00:21:14,060 --> 00:21:15,060 sisters. 244 00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:23,390 Instead of getting his life together, Charlie went out on a national comedy 245 00:21:23,390 --> 00:21:24,390 tour. 246 00:21:24,730 --> 00:21:28,110 Where every night, Charlie, you walked on stage and you told the audience you 247 00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:29,510 were a warlock from Mars. 248 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,710 Oh, maybe you are, but I'll tell you what you're not. 249 00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:34,510 A comedian from Earth. 250 00:21:40,430 --> 00:21:44,630 Charlie Sheen is to stand up what Larry Flint is to standing up. 251 00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:59,420 winning then something's wrong with the scoreboard come on man 252 00:21:59,420 --> 00:22:03,320 charlie if you're winning then this must not be a child custody hearing 253 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:09,240 only time your kids get to see you is in reruns 254 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:15,780 charlie don't you want to live to see their first 12 steps 255 00:22:22,350 --> 00:22:24,470 Responsible for three Mighty Ducks movies. 256 00:22:28,710 --> 00:22:32,270 You make your own father ashamed that he shares the same fake name as you. 257 00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:39,150 Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez said they would have been here tonight, but 258 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,150 had a family obligation. 259 00:22:52,910 --> 00:22:53,910 I've been up to that house. 260 00:22:54,050 --> 00:22:57,390 I can tell you that Charlie is stockpiling whores up there. 261 00:22:57,750 --> 00:23:00,650 The place is packed with whores. Charlie, you should be on hoarders. 262 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:08,110 Charlie Sheen has paid for so much sex, he keeps his credit card under his balls 263 00:23:08,110 --> 00:23:09,110 to save time. 264 00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:15,710 Anthony Jeselnik, some say you're the next Greg Giraldo. 265 00:23:16,470 --> 00:23:17,470 Let's hope so. 266 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,320 Flash, you were awesome in the opening of the show, man. That was cool. 267 00:23:28,780 --> 00:23:30,380 Always in that top hat, man. 268 00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,740 You're like the Abe Lincoln of rock and roll. 269 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,560 Especially since you haven't had a hit in four score in seven years. 270 00:23:44,540 --> 00:23:48,080 I'm kidding, Flash. Thanks for playing my nephew's bar mitzvah last year. That 271 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,080 was cool. 272 00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:50,220 That was really cool. 273 00:23:56,010 --> 00:23:59,150 at that. Looking good. Brooke Mueller, Charlie's ex. What's up, babe? 274 00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,350 She's not very bright unless Charlie's throwing a lamp at her. 275 00:24:12,230 --> 00:24:15,830 Ah, John Levitz. Great job tonight, man. That was funny. 276 00:24:16,030 --> 00:24:18,090 Nice to see you taking a break from taking a break. 277 00:24:22,490 --> 00:24:24,230 John, what's your catchphrase? 278 00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:25,630 Chinning. 279 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,440 And there's our old roast honoree, William Shatner, one of the coolest guys 280 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:36,440 the world. 281 00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,980 I'm not going to make fun of him because he looks like he's on his final 282 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:43,980 frontier. 283 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,860 Hey, Captain Kirk, maybe Scotty can beam your balls up from the floor. 284 00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:54,960 You old pervert. 285 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,100 Backstage, you flashed Kate Walsh's graying anatomy. 286 00:25:04,490 --> 00:25:08,230 And I can't believe I get to sit next to the Iron Mike Tyson, man. One of the 287 00:25:08,230 --> 00:25:10,610 coolest, most amazing athletes in the world. 288 00:25:10,810 --> 00:25:12,910 Thanks for rolling with the punches tonight, champ. 289 00:25:13,210 --> 00:25:14,210 Thank you, Jeff. 290 00:25:15,030 --> 00:25:18,410 I bet you haven't been shit on this hard since you cleaned your pigeon coop this 291 00:25:18,410 --> 00:25:19,410 morning. 292 00:25:22,370 --> 00:25:25,050 Not only do you love pigeons, but you sound like one. 293 00:25:28,630 --> 00:25:30,450 Listen, I'm not going to make fun of Mike Tyson. 294 00:25:30,810 --> 00:25:32,530 That's right, because I'm going to shit on you tonight. 295 00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:38,020 I know, I know. If you're willing to do that to your face, imagine what he would 296 00:25:38,020 --> 00:25:39,020 do to mine. 297 00:25:41,940 --> 00:25:44,340 What is that on your face? A target for pepper spray? 298 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:51,060 Mike, the ironic thing is after all the faces you bashed in, the one you f***ed 299 00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:52,120 up the most is your own. 300 00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:05,390 Hardest hitting right hook in history. 301 00:26:05,870 --> 00:26:09,690 Your opponent spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie's ex -wives. 302 00:26:12,910 --> 00:26:14,410 Too soon? Too soon? 303 00:26:17,290 --> 00:26:18,690 Too real? Too real? 304 00:26:22,550 --> 00:26:26,250 Has anybody seen your ex -goddess Brie Olsen's latest movie? 305 00:26:26,650 --> 00:26:30,450 Last time I saw that many guys coming out of the same hole, I was watching The 306 00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:31,950 Rescue of the Chilean Minors. 307 00:26:37,540 --> 00:26:41,160 Charlie, by taking these punches from us tonight, you proved to all your fans 308 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,160 that you're the new king of the comebacks. 309 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,040 In fact, 310 00:26:47,580 --> 00:26:51,000 you've won more backs than anyone in Hollywood. 311 00:26:56,900 --> 00:27:00,520 Charlie, when you were on the tour, I roasted you eight times in eight 312 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:05,360 cities, and I got meaner every time you were a great sport, perhaps the greatest 313 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:07,200 sport. in roast history. 314 00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:11,780 And I don't know what you're going to do next, but whatever you decide, I know 315 00:27:11,780 --> 00:27:16,540 firsthand that there's an army of fans out there waiting to check it out and 316 00:27:16,540 --> 00:27:18,260 support you in a big way. 317 00:27:19,580 --> 00:27:21,700 I love you guys. Thank you so much. 318 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,160 Coming up. 319 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,380 We're not going to be bashing ourselves, but we're going to listen to Charlie 320 00:27:34,380 --> 00:27:40,220 get bashed. Mike Tyson, Devo, and William Shatner. We roasted William 321 00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:41,259 and now he's back. 322 00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:42,740 Can you show everybody he's a good sport? 323 00:27:43,020 --> 00:27:44,540 No, I'm not a good sport. 324 00:27:44,980 --> 00:27:46,040 I'm not for revenge. 325 00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:55,620 All right, our next roaster is Mike Tyson. 326 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:01,420 Tyson's had three marriages. The first two ended in knockouts. 327 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:10,140 He's a guy... I'm doing the... Please don't murder me. He's a guy... 328 00:28:10,140 --> 00:28:17,000 He's a guy who's beaten every opponent he has gone up against except the letter 329 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,000 S. 330 00:28:22,380 --> 00:28:23,400 So now... 331 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:31,060 Please be patient as he sounds out his jokes. Ladies and gentlemen, Iron Mike 332 00:28:31,060 --> 00:28:32,060 Heister! 333 00:28:35,580 --> 00:28:42,380 Thank you. 334 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:44,260 Thank you very much, Seth. 335 00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:45,500 Oh, man. 336 00:28:47,580 --> 00:28:53,900 Well, you know, during a very dark period in my life, I found inspiration 337 00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:56,110 reading a great epic poet to Iliad. 338 00:28:56,830 --> 00:29:01,110 So see, Seth, you're not the only person that's gotten by by taking ideas from 339 00:29:01,110 --> 00:29:02,110 Homer. 340 00:29:05,490 --> 00:29:06,490 Idiot over there. 341 00:29:07,010 --> 00:29:08,590 Idiot with a two E. Okay. 342 00:29:08,830 --> 00:29:09,830 All right. 343 00:29:11,710 --> 00:29:15,410 Well, if I must confess, I'm really not a roaster because, of course, you know, 344 00:29:15,470 --> 00:29:17,110 everyone, I don't like hurting people. 345 00:29:17,550 --> 00:29:23,450 And I'm living, you know, more of a spiritual life now through poetry. 346 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:25,340 And I've written... 347 00:29:25,340 --> 00:29:33,200 Well, 348 00:29:33,320 --> 00:29:38,200 you know, I've written, you know, many verses in my secret garden, and now I'd 349 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,920 like to share them with a few of you here today. 350 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:42,400 Thank you, everybody. 351 00:29:42,660 --> 00:29:48,760 Well, this will be an honor, because as the Bard once said, all the world's a 352 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,200 stage, and Charlie's been booed off the mall. 353 00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:52,720 Okay. 354 00:29:53,870 --> 00:30:00,650 In this first verse, you'll recognize the classic AABBA poetic structure. 355 00:30:02,770 --> 00:30:08,270 There once was an old man named Ross whose jokes were covered with moss. 356 00:30:09,150 --> 00:30:12,810 His punchline was musty. His premise was dusty. 357 00:30:13,190 --> 00:30:16,910 I wish he was going to exhaust, you know? 358 00:30:17,610 --> 00:30:19,010 Oh, so excuse me. 359 00:30:19,290 --> 00:30:20,590 What you gonna do, Jeff? 360 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:30,240 I must say, you know, I'm rather intrigued by your puffy, grotesque 361 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:31,520 face, Jeff, you know. 362 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:36,240 Normally when I'm next to somebody whose face is as grotesque as yours, they 363 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,760 throw in the f***ing towel, man. You're a mess, man. 364 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,620 During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off, you know. 365 00:30:44,540 --> 00:30:45,660 F***ing f***, man. 366 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:55,320 That was the best part. 367 00:30:56,080 --> 00:31:03,040 Now, come on, stop. I got to do this shit right. I didn't do well in school, 368 00:31:03,140 --> 00:31:04,140 but I'm trying to do this shit. 369 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:05,360 All right. 370 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:11,180 Charlie, our next poem was inspired by the great Emily Dickerson, who I 371 00:31:11,180 --> 00:31:12,180 a real goddess. 372 00:31:12,460 --> 00:31:14,520 You know, whatever happened to them hoes, man? 373 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:21,000 Charlie, let me remind you something every man must know. 374 00:31:21,740 --> 00:31:25,840 Once the money goes, So does the hoes. Trust me on that one, Charlie. 375 00:31:28,900 --> 00:31:32,720 Come on, let's keep it real. You know, Brooke, Charlie had every f***ing 376 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:33,720 known to man. 377 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,200 But still, you suck his d*** before you shake Steve -O's hand. 378 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:38,600 You know? 379 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:41,120 That's just it, right? 380 00:31:44,700 --> 00:31:48,880 This white, beaten coke head claims he's some rock star from Mars. 381 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,060 Man, if he was black, he'd be behind bars, you know? 382 00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:55,320 Bullshit, because I'm the greatest poet alive. 383 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,120 I'm the greatest wordsmith ever. 384 00:31:57,380 --> 00:31:58,780 I'm Robin Frost. 385 00:31:59,020 --> 00:32:03,420 I'm Lord Byron. My verses are impetuous. My rhymes are impregnable. 386 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:04,900 I want to eat your children. 387 00:32:05,460 --> 00:32:06,060 Of 388 00:32:06,060 --> 00:32:12,940 course, I'm 389 00:32:12,940 --> 00:32:17,160 using poetic lessons, and they haven't revoked that one yet. 390 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,780 And thank you all, guys. 391 00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:23,200 May your guys continue and resume to... 392 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,380 Being nasty and talking mean to one another. 393 00:32:25,860 --> 00:32:26,920 God bless you. 394 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:28,240 Bye, guys. 395 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:29,360 I'm finished. 396 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:36,640 Still to come. 397 00:32:36,980 --> 00:32:38,080 Anthony Gentleman. 398 00:32:38,300 --> 00:32:39,600 Charlie Sheen keeps saying he's winning. 399 00:32:39,980 --> 00:32:42,120 That guy couldn't win a goddamn coin toss. 400 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:43,540 William Shatner. 401 00:32:43,740 --> 00:32:44,439 You sit down. 402 00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:48,040 And Charlie Sheen. You can't help but feel for him because he's your friend. 403 00:32:48,220 --> 00:32:51,680 Plus, you know, he owes me a hooker, so I'm looking for... 404 00:32:51,900 --> 00:32:53,180 Does anybody know where he is? Our 405 00:32:53,180 --> 00:32:59,900 next 406 00:32:59,900 --> 00:33:02,500 roaster is Anthony Jeselnik. 407 00:33:06,180 --> 00:33:10,420 Anthony Jeselnik's act combines the excitement of standing there with the 408 00:33:10,420 --> 00:33:11,420 of saying words. 409 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:18,340 You know him best from me saying his name right now. Please welcome... 410 00:33:18,860 --> 00:33:23,460 A man who's got a bright future in something other than comedy, Anthony 411 00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,820 Thank you. Seth MacFarlane, everybody, huh? 412 00:33:41,180 --> 00:33:45,340 This is MacFarlane's third time hosting the show, which has come as no surprise. 413 00:33:46,170 --> 00:33:51,730 Because when Seth MacFarlane does something, by God, he repeats the living 414 00:33:51,730 --> 00:33:52,730 out of it. 415 00:33:57,270 --> 00:33:59,290 My good friend Jeff Ross is here. 416 00:34:02,750 --> 00:34:04,510 Even though it's laundry day. 417 00:34:09,030 --> 00:34:13,429 And Kate Wall, I don't watch that stupid show you're on. 418 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,580 But I did think it was interesting that you have your own line of perfume. 419 00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,820 For that special lady who wants to smell like who gives a... 420 00:34:24,820 --> 00:34:31,780 I'm 421 00:34:31,780 --> 00:34:35,000 glad William Shatner could squeeze this roast into his schedule. 422 00:34:37,900 --> 00:34:40,120 In between cosmetic surgeries. 423 00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:46,650 Bill, your face is so plastic that when you're done with it, They're going to 424 00:34:46,650 --> 00:34:49,889 have to cut it up into little pieces so that birds don't die. 425 00:34:58,490 --> 00:34:59,590 What's up, Steve -O? 426 00:35:00,930 --> 00:35:04,350 Steve -O, I know you were in a dark place for a while. You were struggling. 427 00:35:04,350 --> 00:35:06,310 now you're trying stand -up comedy. 428 00:35:06,950 --> 00:35:10,310 I actually saw you perform once at the Comedy Cellar. And here's some free 429 00:35:10,310 --> 00:35:11,310 advice, Steve -O. 430 00:35:12,190 --> 00:35:13,730 Don't give up your suicide. 431 00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:20,200 Patrice O 'Neill is here. 432 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:22,980 You literally cannot miss him. 433 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:28,920 Holy Christ, you're fat. You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite 434 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:29,920 your fingernails. 435 00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:41,620 Mike Tyson. 436 00:35:44,700 --> 00:35:45,700 That's the whole joke. 437 00:35:49,589 --> 00:35:52,650 Mike Tyson, I love you. You're my favorite boxer of all time. 438 00:35:52,870 --> 00:35:54,750 I don't even want to stand up here and make fun of you. 439 00:35:55,710 --> 00:36:01,150 Besides, what can you say about Mike Tyson that hasn't already been the title 440 00:36:01,150 --> 00:36:02,370 a Richard Pryor album? 441 00:36:03,810 --> 00:36:04,810 Oh, shit. 442 00:36:05,630 --> 00:36:09,510 You got it. I did. Patrice got it. Too many white people to get that. Too many 443 00:36:09,510 --> 00:36:10,510 white people? 444 00:36:10,830 --> 00:36:13,850 You know what no one ever says? It's too few black people. 445 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,660 Mike, to me, you will always be the champion. 446 00:36:30,860 --> 00:36:32,640 You will always be the champion. 447 00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:33,900 Thank you very much. 448 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:37,760 The champion of having more shit on your face than seal. 449 00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,600 Mike Tyson got a tattoo on his face. 450 00:36:50,860 --> 00:36:55,640 So that every time he looks in the mirror, he can be proud that converting 451 00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:58,540 Islam is only the second dumbest thing he's ever done. 452 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:02,880 That's good. 453 00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:06,180 We regret it. 454 00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:08,960 I will later. 455 00:37:09,420 --> 00:37:13,220 And now for the man of the hour, Mr. Charlie Sheen. 456 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:21,780 understand why you're not grateful for what you have right now. 457 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:27,180 I mean, after all, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is because 458 00:37:27,180 --> 00:37:28,960 God hates Michael J. Fox. 459 00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,560 Charlie, you are a monster. 460 00:37:46,730 --> 00:37:52,070 Every moment of your life looks like the first two minutes of Law and Order SVU. 461 00:37:59,190 --> 00:38:03,910 You've convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for 462 00:38:03,910 --> 00:38:04,910 syndrome. 463 00:38:10,970 --> 00:38:13,950 And Charlie, I think the craziest thing about you 464 00:38:14,890 --> 00:38:20,090 You thought you were going to go back to your TV show after calling your boss a 465 00:38:20,090 --> 00:38:21,090 Jew. 466 00:38:21,570 --> 00:38:27,730 If people got to keep their jobs after calling their boss a Jew, Charlie, 467 00:38:27,950 --> 00:38:30,510 then everyone would do it. 468 00:38:36,490 --> 00:38:37,490 But Charlie. 469 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,220 Despite everything I've just said. 470 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,420 You're a good sport for being here tonight. 471 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:51,340 Thanks for letting me be here, too. Thank you, everybody. 472 00:38:51,740 --> 00:38:52,740 Thanks. 473 00:38:56,120 --> 00:39:01,240 The Comedy Central Road with Charlie Feen is brought to you by 5 -Hour Energy 474 00:39:01,240 --> 00:39:02,700 and FIFA Soccer 2012. 475 00:39:03,820 --> 00:39:08,600 Still to come, Devo. This is critical if I'm going to have a future beyond 476 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:10,720 breaking bones and shoving things up my butt. 477 00:39:11,130 --> 00:39:12,130 Amy Schumer. 478 00:39:12,230 --> 00:39:15,470 I'm going to get shit, babe. I'm going to be flaring and throwing up on 479 00:39:15,470 --> 00:39:17,290 strangers. And Patrice O 'Neal. 480 00:39:17,510 --> 00:39:18,690 This should be my last show. 481 00:39:20,630 --> 00:39:27,430 Our next 482 00:39:27,430 --> 00:39:28,730 roaster is Devo. 483 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:36,130 This guy makes it easy for us to bust his balls and pull his leg because his 484 00:39:36,130 --> 00:39:37,990 balls are usually stapled to his leg. 485 00:39:39,530 --> 00:39:43,050 So now, please give up your horse semen for Steve -O. 486 00:39:52,190 --> 00:39:54,630 What an honor to be here with Mike Tyson. 487 00:39:55,010 --> 00:40:00,090 The last time I hung out with Mike, we locked ourselves in a bathroom and 488 00:40:00,090 --> 00:40:01,930 through five grams of cocaine. 489 00:40:05,250 --> 00:40:07,690 But Mike's really changed his ways, though. 490 00:40:08,230 --> 00:40:13,170 See, here he is taking a beating for a check, and it hasn't been made out to 491 00:40:13,170 --> 00:40:14,170 King. 492 00:40:17,190 --> 00:40:24,050 Some people know Kate Walsh as a television actress, but 493 00:40:24,050 --> 00:40:25,710 most people don't know her at all. 494 00:40:29,990 --> 00:40:33,850 And my hero, Charlie Sheen. 495 00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:40,580 He definitely has tiger blood coursing through his veins. 496 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:45,040 Unfortunately, that tiger is a helpless drug addict. 497 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:50,680 Dude, your nose is like my ass. 498 00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:53,440 There's nothing you won't shove up there. 499 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,680 I've been clean and sober for three and a half years now. 500 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,000 But Charlie still hasn't hit rock bottom. 501 00:41:08,700 --> 00:41:12,700 I know he's looking forward to it, though, because he thinks there's a rock 502 00:41:12,700 --> 00:41:13,700 there. 503 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:21,340 You know, when Charlie started referring to his girlfriends as goddesses, I was 504 00:41:21,340 --> 00:41:23,740 confused. So I looked it up in the dictionary. 505 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:30,880 It said goddesses, plural, noun, two dumpsters who got sick of 506 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:32,020 buying their own drugs. 507 00:41:39,370 --> 00:41:44,530 But Charlie, don't ever pretend that you're not a totally bitch and rock star 508 00:41:44,530 --> 00:41:45,890 for Mars, because you are. 509 00:41:47,710 --> 00:41:48,930 And I love you. 510 00:41:49,550 --> 00:41:53,670 And I am so grateful that you've let me be a part of this tonight. 511 00:41:53,950 --> 00:41:57,490 Right now, I'm going to do something insanely stupid for you. 512 00:41:58,210 --> 00:42:04,750 I am going to attempt to get a black eye from the former heavyweight champion of 513 00:42:04,750 --> 00:42:05,750 the world. 514 00:42:13,580 --> 00:42:15,440 ready. Let me get that fist. 515 00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:24,680 We're not going to call the police or anything after this. 516 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:28,760 All right. 517 00:42:32,420 --> 00:42:34,780 One, two, three. 518 00:42:35,980 --> 00:42:41,100 I think that'll do it. 519 00:42:53,450 --> 00:42:56,810 what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess. All right. 520 00:43:01,190 --> 00:43:03,450 All right, what can I say about Amy Schumer? 521 00:43:03,990 --> 00:43:07,310 I actually mean that sincerely. I've never heard of this woman. 522 00:43:09,290 --> 00:43:13,730 So please get ready for the comedy stylings of the fourth runner -up of the 523 00:43:13,730 --> 00:43:17,010 fifth season of Last Comic Standing, Amy Schumer. 524 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:32,280 Mike Tyson. 525 00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:33,900 Am I saying that right? 526 00:43:39,780 --> 00:43:41,020 Wasn't he great up here? 527 00:43:41,860 --> 00:43:45,220 No, I'm asking. I couldn't understand a word he said. 528 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:50,220 Mike, your voice sounds like a girl crying. 529 00:43:50,460 --> 00:43:53,120 Every time you speak, do you give yourself an erection? 530 00:43:54,870 --> 00:43:58,650 Sometimes. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, hey, hey, Mike, here's 531 00:43:58,650 --> 00:44:00,430 you'll never hear. Great tattoo. 532 00:44:04,190 --> 00:44:07,570 You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. 533 00:44:11,670 --> 00:44:17,350 I don't know whether to be scared of it or finish on it. 534 00:44:24,140 --> 00:44:28,040 It's so dark and wrinkly and constantly getting pounded. It's like Patrice's 535 00:44:28,040 --> 00:44:30,180 grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch. 536 00:44:33,220 --> 00:44:35,300 I'm just assuming she raised you. 537 00:44:43,780 --> 00:44:47,180 Patrice O 'Neill, one of my favorite comics. Patrice has always been destined 538 00:44:47,180 --> 00:44:48,920 for stardom and diabetes. 539 00:44:50,120 --> 00:44:54,990 So tonight... is not just the roast of Charlie Sheen. It's also a farewell 540 00:44:54,990 --> 00:44:56,170 for Patrice's foot. 541 00:44:58,130 --> 00:44:59,130 Holy shit. 542 00:44:59,210 --> 00:45:00,210 Evil. 543 00:45:00,450 --> 00:45:03,250 I was sitting next to this bitch the whole time. I didn't know this was 544 00:45:03,930 --> 00:45:04,928 That's true. 545 00:45:04,930 --> 00:45:08,850 If Amy had as many dicks coming out as she had going in, she'd look like a 546 00:45:08,850 --> 00:45:09,950 fucking porcupine. 547 00:45:10,770 --> 00:45:12,330 It's his interpreter here. 548 00:45:21,070 --> 00:45:22,070 What's your last name? 549 00:45:22,970 --> 00:45:24,090 Vandersloot. What is it? 550 00:45:25,270 --> 00:45:28,670 You have all the likability of a Hitler youth. Look at you. 551 00:45:32,610 --> 00:45:37,470 Speaking of Kate Walsh. Kate, to some people, Grey's Anatomy is more than a TV 552 00:45:37,470 --> 00:45:41,390 show. In fact, Grey's Anatomy is what William Shatner calls his balls. 553 00:45:41,750 --> 00:45:42,750 Right? 554 00:45:44,410 --> 00:45:45,410 William. 555 00:45:45,730 --> 00:45:48,610 I've seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers. 556 00:45:48,830 --> 00:45:49,850 What's going on? 557 00:46:01,350 --> 00:46:04,010 And Steve -O is here. Steve -O, great try. 558 00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:05,970 Steve -O! 559 00:46:07,850 --> 00:46:11,890 But I truly am, no joke, sorry for the loss of your friend Ryan Dunn. I know 560 00:46:11,890 --> 00:46:14,610 must have been thinking it could have been me, and I know we were all 561 00:46:14,670 --> 00:46:15,670 why wasn't it? 562 00:46:16,970 --> 00:46:17,970 Thank you. 563 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:26,520 away from me. 564 00:46:27,220 --> 00:46:30,340 Speaking of things that should already be dead, Charlie Sheen is still alive. 565 00:46:30,660 --> 00:46:36,140 Charlie, I'm a fan. You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise 566 00:46:36,140 --> 00:46:39,660 Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly 567 00:46:39,660 --> 00:46:40,660 being killed by Charlie. 568 00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:52,300 But there's no denying how famous you are. I mean, it was international news 569 00:46:52,300 --> 00:46:54,900 when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you. 570 00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:56,230 You know, your daughters. 571 00:47:00,590 --> 00:47:03,710 But no, I mean, Charlie, you get a bad rap, but you're just like Bruce Willis. 572 00:47:03,770 --> 00:47:07,450 You know, you were big in the 80s and now you're old slot being filled with 573 00:47:07,450 --> 00:47:08,450 Ashton Kutcher. 574 00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:21,730 But all joking aside, if you ever need a friend to pee in a cup for you, I'm 575 00:47:21,730 --> 00:47:23,110 your gal. Thanks for having me. 576 00:47:28,780 --> 00:47:32,200 You know what's funny? I've never met William Shatner. Coming up, William 577 00:47:32,200 --> 00:47:34,740 Shatner. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting Shatner. 578 00:47:34,940 --> 00:47:40,040 Patrice O 'Neill. That's just crazy, man. And Charlie Sheen. Wow, look at 579 00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:41,040 statues. 580 00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:43,140 Sorry. What was the question? 581 00:47:48,140 --> 00:47:52,180 All right, our next roaster is the legendary William Shatner. 582 00:47:56,580 --> 00:48:00,340 Here he is. I can't joke about this guy because I think he's the greatest. 583 00:48:00,620 --> 00:48:04,800 The guy who played Captain Kirk back before Star Trek looked like a bunch of 584 00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,660 guys working in a Mac store, William Shatner. 585 00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:16,080 Thank you, thank you, thank you. Keep it going for a test, Bono. 586 00:48:17,740 --> 00:48:18,740 Uh, Charlie. 587 00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:25,230 I was driving by tonight, and I heard that they were doing a roast, and I 588 00:48:25,230 --> 00:48:31,230 thought, what a great, great opportunity to offer this young Mexican a bit of 589 00:48:31,230 --> 00:48:34,410 fatherly advice he so clearly hasn't been getting. 590 00:48:36,350 --> 00:48:41,410 You see, I've been doing this for quite a while now, and I think that I can 591 00:48:41,410 --> 00:48:47,070 bestow on you some of the vast wisdom from my experience in this wonderful 592 00:48:47,070 --> 00:48:48,230 business of entertainment. 593 00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,040 First off, Charlie, I'm 80 years old. 594 00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:53,400 You're what, 47? 595 00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:57,060 46. How come we look like we went to high school together? 596 00:49:00,440 --> 00:49:05,580 You're going too fast, son. You've got to slow down and smell the roses, my 597 00:49:09,380 --> 00:49:14,040 That's why I have such a storied and illustrious career. 598 00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:16,400 Because I'm patient. 599 00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:23,440 I was willing to wait a long time to get into the right projects. 600 00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:26,320 Just like Patricia O 'Neill's family. 601 00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:33,240 Okay, sorry. 602 00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:35,700 You're out of a job. Don't feel sad. 603 00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:41,240 I know another famous guy who was kind to whores and always kept 12 losers 604 00:49:41,240 --> 00:49:44,560 around. And he got crucified by Jews, too. 605 00:49:48,330 --> 00:49:49,830 And people worship that guy. 606 00:49:52,690 --> 00:49:55,810 Look, look, Carlos. 607 00:49:58,530 --> 00:49:59,810 I've had my share. 608 00:50:00,670 --> 00:50:03,190 The wild times with the senoritas. 609 00:50:07,490 --> 00:50:10,570 I've had sex in space with green women. 610 00:50:11,950 --> 00:50:15,930 Sure, you've had sex with blue women because unlike you, they couldn't handle 611 00:50:15,930 --> 00:50:16,930 their drugs. 612 00:50:19,980 --> 00:50:21,420 that kind of press, Charlie. 613 00:50:22,140 --> 00:50:27,020 In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, I had to do something drastic 614 00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:32,100 like kiss a black girl or let an Asian drive. 615 00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:39,660 May I suggest to you, Charlie, that 616 00:50:39,660 --> 00:50:42,760 you re -examine your relations with women? 617 00:50:43,680 --> 00:50:47,740 Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn't anyone told you that 618 00:50:47,740 --> 00:50:48,740 will sleep with you for free? 619 00:50:50,730 --> 00:50:51,730 That's Hollywood 101. 620 00:50:53,230 --> 00:50:54,390 You should have called. 621 00:50:56,370 --> 00:51:01,310 You know what will help you get through this tough spot? 622 00:51:01,630 --> 00:51:03,270 You have to give something back. 623 00:51:03,670 --> 00:51:09,150 See, I was recently at a celebrity auction where I sold one of my kidney 624 00:51:09,150 --> 00:51:10,510 for $75 ,000. 625 00:51:10,890 --> 00:51:12,110 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 626 00:51:12,450 --> 00:51:14,650 Do you understand what I've done? 627 00:51:15,630 --> 00:51:19,030 I synthesized uric acid. 628 00:51:19,580 --> 00:51:25,460 and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for 629 00:51:25,460 --> 00:51:26,460 Humanity. 630 00:51:27,260 --> 00:51:29,240 Who's the warlock now, bitch? 631 00:51:36,340 --> 00:51:41,620 Actually, Emilio, we're not that different. 632 00:51:42,780 --> 00:51:45,080 You're a rock star from Mars. 633 00:51:45,280 --> 00:51:46,280 Yes, you are. 634 00:51:46,700 --> 00:51:48,640 And as one rocket man to another, 635 00:51:49,870 --> 00:51:55,930 If I may give you my most important piece of advice tonight, never, 636 00:51:56,170 --> 00:52:02,190 ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline .com. 637 00:52:05,830 --> 00:52:06,830 Charlie, 638 00:52:09,170 --> 00:52:14,870 see, you take it from the master, that little subtle plug there, $65 right in 639 00:52:14,870 --> 00:52:15,870 the pocket. 640 00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:19,670 Look at the time. Oh, geez. 641 00:52:19,890 --> 00:52:22,990 Simply, I must get home. I want to catch that new Ashton Kutcher show. 642 00:52:24,870 --> 00:52:26,490 Do you know him? 643 00:52:27,030 --> 00:52:27,928 Nice guy. 644 00:52:27,930 --> 00:52:30,330 I went to high school with his wife. 645 00:52:30,550 --> 00:52:31,550 Thank you very much. 646 00:52:43,110 --> 00:52:46,310 He was so fattenery. How awesome was that? 647 00:52:48,170 --> 00:52:50,830 Our next roaster is Patrice O 'Neill. 648 00:52:53,150 --> 00:52:57,870 You may recognize Patrice from his many speaking roles in movies, but only if 649 00:52:57,870 --> 00:52:59,270 you've sat in front of him in a theater. 650 00:53:01,070 --> 00:53:02,070 I know. 651 00:53:02,370 --> 00:53:06,510 I know. Some of these jokes may come off racist, which is why it's important to 652 00:53:06,510 --> 00:53:10,590 remember that Rosa Parks fought so Patrice could take three seats on the 653 00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:19,420 So please welcome a guy who looks like Chris Farley after a mineshaft 654 00:53:19,620 --> 00:53:21,660 the very funny Patrice O 'Neill. 655 00:53:26,880 --> 00:53:33,860 Thank you very much. 656 00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:41,000 I, uh, it's strange because I had all this planned shit, but I didn't. 657 00:53:42,220 --> 00:53:47,300 I didn't know William Shatner was going to be quasi like an old racist man. But 658 00:53:47,300 --> 00:53:53,800 everybody's giggling like, whoa, you're an 659 00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:55,800 asshole, Captain Kirk. 660 00:53:57,020 --> 00:53:58,420 What are you talking about? 661 00:53:58,680 --> 00:54:03,280 Like, I don't respect him, but I respect him because he's Captain Kirk. 662 00:54:03,680 --> 00:54:07,140 But I think he might be racist because his hair plugs look like black girls' 663 00:54:07,240 --> 00:54:08,240 hair. 664 00:54:13,200 --> 00:54:14,200 This is amazing. 665 00:54:15,860 --> 00:54:18,960 Like, I wasn't going to be mean to Anthony. I don't know him. I never met 666 00:54:19,060 --> 00:54:23,240 Like, so I'm sitting here watching him, and I'm like, he has way too much 667 00:54:23,240 --> 00:54:24,240 confidence. 668 00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:28,320 Like, in my world, he's an open mic. Nobody knows him. 669 00:54:28,580 --> 00:54:32,040 And nobody should. Like, nobody should know Anthony. 670 00:54:32,860 --> 00:54:35,020 I refuse to learn his last shitty name. 671 00:54:37,500 --> 00:54:39,160 I learned Galifianakis. 672 00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:42,080 That's the last shitty last name. 673 00:54:43,050 --> 00:54:45,330 This is what you're going to learn in this fucking town. 674 00:54:49,870 --> 00:54:56,510 He reminds me of a medieval restaurant waiter. Like, his old demeanor, like, 675 00:54:56,570 --> 00:55:02,510 hello, may I welcome to, and you just want to go shut the fuck up and bring me 676 00:55:02,510 --> 00:55:04,450 my giant turkey leg, you nothing. 677 00:55:10,330 --> 00:55:12,470 How the fuck can I be too mean? 678 00:55:12,700 --> 00:55:17,180 after all this shit. I can't believe it. I'm dying of diabetes and you 679 00:55:17,180 --> 00:55:19,720 motherfuckers are like, oh, that evil fat, you know. 680 00:55:25,580 --> 00:55:29,200 I consider Seth an icon. I do. Like, I got a critique about Seth. 681 00:55:29,640 --> 00:55:32,340 It's too much Seth. 682 00:55:33,120 --> 00:55:37,980 It's... Like, it's almost like he's jealous of his own creation. 683 00:55:40,100 --> 00:55:43,040 Where he wants to prove I'm better than the cartoons. 684 00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:46,060 But he's not better than the cartoons. 685 00:55:46,580 --> 00:55:49,940 See, but I think the problem is with Seth is that he don't have a partner. 686 00:55:50,240 --> 00:55:53,440 You know, like the South Park guys or Hanna -Barbera. 687 00:55:56,120 --> 00:56:01,400 I know we've read that old story that Hanna once said, I'm bigger than Yogi. 688 00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:04,080 Barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that. 689 00:56:06,460 --> 00:56:08,360 Seth needs a Barbera. 690 00:56:11,070 --> 00:56:13,510 To slap him and slap him twice. 691 00:56:14,190 --> 00:56:17,330 Once to say, hey man, don't forget why people love you. 692 00:56:18,170 --> 00:56:20,350 And two, just say you're gay. 693 00:56:20,790 --> 00:56:27,750 No straight man writes that many show 694 00:56:27,750 --> 00:56:28,890 tunes. That's a fact. 695 00:56:32,150 --> 00:56:36,050 I love Mike Tyson and I don't have much to say. I'm just disappointed and hurt 696 00:56:36,050 --> 00:56:37,050 at how much. 697 00:56:37,339 --> 00:56:41,480 comfort white people have around you now. I don't like it. 698 00:56:48,600 --> 00:56:53,980 As Steve -O, this noose of dude not drunk you, it stinks, man. 699 00:56:57,960 --> 00:57:01,580 Why are you still looking at me like that, Mr. Shatner, sir? You're like, 700 00:57:01,580 --> 00:57:04,020 had more for that. I didn't say it. I should have said it because he's an 701 00:57:04,020 --> 00:57:05,020 asshole. 702 00:57:09,610 --> 00:57:12,110 Jeff Ross, I love you, I guess. 703 00:57:14,690 --> 00:57:18,830 Look, Jeff Ross is a legend. His funniness is a legend. 704 00:57:19,110 --> 00:57:20,770 But when I say legend, I mean a myth. 705 00:57:25,950 --> 00:57:32,010 Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot. We all believe they exist, but who 706 00:57:32,010 --> 00:57:33,350 ever saw it? 707 00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:45,640 I've turned down many roasts. I have. About three or four of them. And I said 708 00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:50,880 yes to this, and I'm dead -ass serious. I said yes to this because I respect 709 00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:57,700 Charlie Sheen. I do. I say yes because I respect... Not his body of work. 710 00:57:57,820 --> 00:58:04,440 Like, not... It's all been very Christian Slayer -ish. Like, it's just 711 00:58:04,440 --> 00:58:10,700 He sucks, but he's good. But he sucks at the same time. 712 00:58:14,890 --> 00:58:20,410 His stand that he made against the business, I think this is a business, 713 00:58:20,410 --> 00:58:22,550 stood up. He still survived. 714 00:58:23,550 --> 00:58:26,830 And he proved that nobody can keep like a sheen down, you know. 715 00:58:27,730 --> 00:58:30,370 They can keep Estevez down because his brother. 716 00:58:33,370 --> 00:58:37,690 And he's the good one that most do everything right. And that career is 717 00:58:37,870 --> 00:58:38,870 Holy. 718 00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:46,940 Tiger blood? He's selling his own blood to make money. 719 00:58:49,660 --> 00:58:55,720 But I want to say to your eyes, man, I love that you stood up to what you 720 00:58:55,720 --> 00:58:59,580 thought was wrong. And I'm impressed by you. And I wanted to say that. 721 00:58:59,940 --> 00:59:03,320 So thank you, man. Thanks for having me. Y 'all take care. Thank you. 722 00:59:10,320 --> 00:59:11,640 Charlie Sheen goes off. 723 00:59:11,860 --> 00:59:14,280 He's winning. I mean, when you're winning, you can take anything. 724 00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:16,780 Give it as good as you get it, my friend. 725 00:59:17,080 --> 00:59:19,300 I hope all you clowns are ready for my sheen yet. 726 00:59:28,020 --> 00:59:31,200 And now it is time for the moment we've all been waiting for. 727 00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:35,640 We're going to get to hear a ranting tirade from the man himself. 728 00:59:41,230 --> 00:59:45,770 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a man with a big heart because it's been 729 00:59:45,770 --> 00:59:47,890 dangerously enlarged by cocaine use. 730 00:59:48,190 --> 00:59:49,610 Charlie Dean. 731 01:00:18,799 --> 01:00:19,960 Hello. I'm Charlie. 732 01:00:22,700 --> 01:00:24,240 Wow. Wow. 733 01:00:24,540 --> 01:00:25,540 Wow. 734 01:00:26,500 --> 01:00:27,500 What a night. 735 01:00:28,640 --> 01:00:31,240 Until tonight, I never realized how up I was. 736 01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:36,580 All this time, I thought I was just having fun. 737 01:00:39,220 --> 01:00:40,220 Yeah, it's true. 738 01:00:40,380 --> 01:00:42,940 It's true. I've hung around with a lot of shady people over the years. 739 01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:45,320 Losers. 740 01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:47,980 drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. 741 01:00:50,500 --> 01:00:52,920 But to have you all here on one night is really special. 742 01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:00,660 My thanks to Seth MacFarlane. 743 01:01:01,440 --> 01:01:02,440 Great job tonight. 744 01:01:05,580 --> 01:01:09,920 Look at you, Seth. You've got the spray -on tan, the waxed eyebrows. 745 01:01:11,370 --> 01:01:16,670 The pec implants, halogen teeth, the bleached anus, 746 01:01:16,710 --> 01:01:22,170 the scrotal tuck, nipple enlargement, 747 01:01:22,470 --> 01:01:24,430 taint augmentation. 748 01:01:27,090 --> 01:01:29,830 But I got to admit, I envy you. 749 01:01:30,410 --> 01:01:35,710 You've got boatloads of money, three TV shows, and still, even with all the work 750 01:01:35,710 --> 01:01:39,350 you've had done, you can walk down the street totally unrecognized. 751 01:01:46,500 --> 01:01:48,840 Tonight, I put all the craziness behind me. 752 01:01:49,700 --> 01:01:53,240 I say let the past stay in the past with John Lovitz. 753 01:01:55,980 --> 01:01:58,420 Steve -O, you're an animal, man. 754 01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:01,640 People say I'm crazy, but you, you're the real deal. 755 01:02:03,060 --> 01:02:06,640 This guy actually got a tattoo of his own face on his back. 756 01:02:07,700 --> 01:02:08,678 There it is. 757 01:02:08,680 --> 01:02:09,680 There it is. 758 01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:17,620 Even he knows it was a huge mistake because it makes Johnny Knoxville's go 759 01:02:22,540 --> 01:02:23,540 Hate law. 760 01:02:24,620 --> 01:02:26,900 I don't know anyone who watches your show. 761 01:02:28,740 --> 01:02:30,900 Because I date women who can still get their period. 762 01:02:38,960 --> 01:02:40,500 Anthony Jeselnik. 763 01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:44,400 I really liked your slow, measured delivery. 764 01:02:45,540 --> 01:02:48,580 It's as if you were trying to savor the moment. 765 01:02:49,660 --> 01:02:56,100 Years from now, when you're locking up at Radio Shack, you'll look back at 766 01:02:56,100 --> 01:03:01,440 tonight and say, I wish I 767 01:03:01,440 --> 01:03:06,340 was funnier. 768 01:03:13,580 --> 01:03:16,400 The only thing slower than your delivery is Patrice O 'Neill's metabolism. 769 01:03:19,100 --> 01:03:22,140 When I first saw Patrice on this stage, I thought the same thing we all did. 770 01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:24,820 Why is Mike Tyson's mother here? 771 01:03:29,800 --> 01:03:32,940 But Mike, no, no, Mike, Mike, Mike, you were fantastic tonight. 772 01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:36,940 By the way, Mike, I'm sorry for drinking all the blood out of your tiger. I was 773 01:03:36,940 --> 01:03:37,940 going through a weird phase. 774 01:03:41,420 --> 01:03:42,840 Ah, look, there he is. 775 01:03:43,430 --> 01:03:44,430 Jeff Ross. 776 01:03:45,170 --> 01:03:49,710 Jeff, Jeff, that Gaddafi outfit is perfect for you because you have what I 777 01:03:49,710 --> 01:03:50,870 call a Libyan faith. 778 01:03:51,610 --> 01:03:53,470 By that I mean it's revolting. 779 01:03:56,590 --> 01:03:57,870 Oh, hey, look, look. 780 01:03:58,250 --> 01:04:00,310 It's former funny man John Lovitz. 781 01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:05,610 Just last week we were out on the golf course. We chatted, had a few laughs, 782 01:04:05,650 --> 01:04:07,910 then he got back on the mower and drove off. 783 01:04:12,910 --> 01:04:14,730 Amy Schumer, great job. 784 01:04:15,130 --> 01:04:16,570 You really f***ed me tonight. 785 01:04:17,930 --> 01:04:20,030 Which I did because I'm into anonymous sex. 786 01:04:21,450 --> 01:04:24,110 And no one's more anonymous here than Amy Schumer. 787 01:04:26,810 --> 01:04:30,310 I mean, I'm Charlie f***ing Sheen. They know me on Mars. 788 01:04:31,370 --> 01:04:32,990 They don't know you in this room. 789 01:04:34,890 --> 01:04:38,950 You know, I personally asked that William Shatner be here only because I 790 01:04:38,950 --> 01:04:39,950 some clean urine. 791 01:04:41,390 --> 01:04:43,430 I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did the job. 792 01:04:50,390 --> 01:04:52,350 You've always been an inspiration to my acting. 793 01:04:53,110 --> 01:04:57,310 It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act like an asshole until 794 01:04:57,310 --> 01:04:58,890 rest of the cast stopped speaking to me. 795 01:05:04,270 --> 01:05:09,610 But look, this has been both enlightening and fun. 796 01:05:10,330 --> 01:05:12,410 You are all worthy adversaries. 797 01:05:12,710 --> 01:05:17,230 But the thing is, once again, I have come out unscathed. 798 01:05:24,150 --> 01:05:25,310 You can't hurt me. 799 01:05:26,050 --> 01:05:27,830 Hell, I can't even hurt me. 800 01:05:30,790 --> 01:05:32,150 Drugs couldn't kill me. 801 01:05:32,590 --> 01:05:33,970 Sex couldn't kill me. 802 01:05:34,250 --> 01:05:37,550 The press couldn't kill me. Two and a half men couldn't kill me. 803 01:05:41,230 --> 01:05:43,890 Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? 804 01:05:45,770 --> 01:05:48,650 I'm the wild thing. Ricky and Vaughn, man. 805 01:05:54,790 --> 01:05:57,350 You're looking at a guy who thrives on chaos. 806 01:05:58,330 --> 01:06:01,950 At 10 years old, I was on the set of Apocalypse Now in the Philippine jungle 807 01:06:01,950 --> 01:06:04,870 playing with severed heads and Colonel Kurtz's compound. 808 01:06:06,150 --> 01:06:09,370 When I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the film was drugs. 809 01:06:11,080 --> 01:06:13,260 I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid. 810 01:06:19,940 --> 01:06:24,880 After Platoon, Wall Street, and Major League, I went on to have the biggest 811 01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:25,980 salary on television. 812 01:06:26,940 --> 01:06:27,940 Sounds great, right? 813 01:06:28,420 --> 01:06:29,420 It was. 814 01:06:29,840 --> 01:06:31,220 No, really, it was. 815 01:06:33,800 --> 01:06:34,920 I did porn stars. 816 01:06:35,320 --> 01:06:36,320 I did drugs. 817 01:06:37,520 --> 01:06:39,080 I had my own television show. 818 01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:45,470 And then, then I did the one thing that everyone in America really wishes they 819 01:06:45,470 --> 01:06:46,470 could do. 820 01:06:47,330 --> 01:06:49,430 I told my boss to go off. 821 01:06:56,810 --> 01:06:57,870 And then it was gone. 822 01:07:00,370 --> 01:07:02,710 In one fiery public flame out. 823 01:07:04,590 --> 01:07:07,210 And it was only when the smoke cleared, I realized. 824 01:07:08,270 --> 01:07:09,510 Just how lucky I am. 825 01:07:10,510 --> 01:07:14,590 Because even after all that, I still have a family that loves me. 826 01:07:18,310 --> 01:07:19,690 That's why they're not here tonight. 827 01:07:22,050 --> 01:07:23,890 Yeah, they've seen me in jail. 828 01:07:24,550 --> 01:07:26,410 They've seen me rush to emergency rooms. 829 01:07:26,690 --> 01:07:28,150 They've seen me dragged into court. 830 01:07:28,710 --> 01:07:31,210 But seeing me on basic cable would kill them. 831 01:07:35,530 --> 01:07:38,750 But I know, I know that my family will always be there for me. 832 01:07:39,530 --> 01:07:45,870 So what I'm trying to say is that I'm done with the winning 833 01:07:45,870 --> 01:07:49,230 because I've already won. 834 01:07:55,510 --> 01:08:00,170 This roast may be over, but I'm Charlie Sheen. 835 01:08:01,170 --> 01:08:03,590 And in here, in here burns. 836 01:08:04,500 --> 01:08:05,680 An eternal fire. 837 01:08:08,340 --> 01:08:11,260 I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe. 838 01:08:13,180 --> 01:08:14,600 I'll see you all on the next adventure. 839 01:08:14,820 --> 01:08:15,920 I love you. Good night. Thank you. 840 01:08:39,310 --> 01:08:43,350 Yeah. Come on, Steve -O. 841 01:08:43,890 --> 01:08:44,890 Don't hurt me. 842 01:08:45,189 --> 01:08:47,130 Oh, shit. That's the way they're not. 843 01:08:47,729 --> 01:08:48,750 That's the way they're not. 844 01:08:49,010 --> 01:08:50,250 You okay? That's the way they're not. 845 01:08:50,529 --> 01:08:51,910 Broken nose. You all right? 846 01:08:52,149 --> 01:08:54,149 You all right? Broken nose. Oh, shit. 847 01:08:54,390 --> 01:08:55,390 He broke his nose. 848 01:08:55,790 --> 01:08:56,589 I'm sorry. 849 01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:57,590 It's his fault, dude. 850 01:08:58,609 --> 01:08:59,609 It's not his fault. 851 01:08:59,810 --> 01:09:00,810 We need a medic. 852 01:09:00,950 --> 01:09:03,390 I need a medic for this man. No, no, no. It's all good, man. 853 01:09:04,130 --> 01:09:05,130 Steve -O. 854 01:09:05,370 --> 01:09:06,410 Steve -O? Yeah. 855 01:09:06,850 --> 01:09:07,850 What the? 856 01:09:08,670 --> 01:09:11,510 You're beautiful, man. I don't even know what that guy. You're beautiful.