Original subtitles

Hi, I'm gonna be your waitress because my mother drank.

-We need a sec. -Feeling kind of generous. Take two.

Then he said to me, "Dude, your vagina is weird."

Dude, that's insane. It is so not weird. Your vagina's awesome.

Okay, I'm ready.

Now I need a sec.

Well, it's over. I can't say it anymore.

The vagina's gone mainstream.

What's next? A clothing line at Target?

Aw, Max, I'm sorry. It's your favorite word.

And my favorite body part, but now everyone's saying it.

Well, we can pick another word for it. Something cute, like cookie?

Sounds like a good idea until you walk past a bunch of Girl Scouts...

...selling their cookies on the street.

Well, we've gotta pick something, because vagina's everywhere.

Where?

Previously on Two Broke Girls:

This is invitation to "Metropolitan Museum Annual Gala."

We have the invitation. She'll be there.

You are talking about us stalking Martha Stewart.

So you want me to taste your cupcake in the ladies' room?

What's inappropriate about that?

That is our beer-batter maple-bacon Spring Break cupcake.

Quite tasty. Do you girls have a card?

Martha Stewart likes our cupcakes!

Max, have you seen my phone?

I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram.

Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it.

Let me sum it up:

Twitter is stupid and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

Where is my phone? I could have sworn I left it right here, next to yours.

Oh, I'll just call it.

Oh, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up--

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And they're like It's better than yours

--in my pocket.

Max, why are you hiding my phone in your apron?

Is that the big question? Because I think the bigger question is:

Why is your ringtone "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard"?

If you have to ask that, you clearly have not seen my milkshake.

Okay, here. I'm busted.

I was checking to see if Martha Stewart called us yet.

You checked it again? You check it every 15 minutes.

I know. I'm acting like a little bitch.

Max, Martha Stewart has our business card.

She liked our cupcake. She'll call.

Look, in my defense, she asked for our card.

She got us all hot and bothered and then what? Nothing.

Martha Stewart is a cake tease.

How dare you? Martha Stewart is not a cake tease.

Nothing worse than a cake tease. Ask any man.

Yeah, you shower, you powder your sack.

For what?

Max, relax. She'll call. Everything's gonna work out.

A year ago, we didn't even have a cupcake business.

Look how far we've come.

I haven't come at all, thanks to the cake tease.

Oh, your cupcake is quite tasty.

Do you have a card?

Max, that's a good Martha Stewart.

I know, because I can't get her siren voice out of my head.

Wow, Han.

You look like you were hit by a Mardi Gras and a gay-pride float.

I have just returned from the exciting Manhattan Restaurant Trade Show.

Look at all this free swag.

And I've got stress balls.

Well, just go in the back and take care of yourself.

Listen up, everybody. I have a big announcement.

Well, more like a 5'1" announcement.

I am changing the diner to state-of-the-art computer...

...power-touch ordering system for food and checks.

I am not learning anything new.

I work here because I have no skills.

You don't have to learn it, Max. It's very smart machine.

It will help you.

Uh-huh. That's how it started with machines in The Matrix.

Next thing you know, the human race was enslaved.

Been there, done that.

I'm with Max.

We are doing it. It's important to move the business into the future.

So get with it, you Luddites.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. Girls, we got big trouble.

If he starts using a new system, I won't be able to use my old system...

...where I skim something off the top.

Earl, skimming?

I'm kind of shocked.

I don't do it for me.

You know how once a month, you girls have a really good night in tips?

You're welcome.

I have been lying awake at night...

...trying to figure out how we made that 200 bucks with her skills.

-Hey, girls. -Hey, Sophie.

You know, every time I come here, I'm surprised you're still open.

Here you go, Sophie.

Hey, where's the little Asian woman that always hands me my menu?

-Asian woman? You mean Han? -Mm-hm.

Sophie, Han's a man.

If you say so.

Is there anything special tonight?

Yes. Here I am.

With treats for my sweet.

Oh, Day-Glo zebra?

That's my favorite animal.

Oh, an edible underwear.

That's my favorite snack.

Yeah, and they're crotchless, so less carbs.

Oh. And my favorite microwavable lube.

And what's this?

Toothbrushes?

Oh, that's going to hurt you, but okay.

No, I want to leave them at your house now that you and I are exclusive.

Exclusive?

Wait, hold phone.

Are you telling me that you and I are not exclusive?

Exclusive? Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, come on. Stop it now.

Go on, Jay Leno. Ha-ha-ha.

Caroline, did you think Sophie and I were exclusive?

Well, you have stopped showing us your penis.

Exactly.

If that's not exclusive, I don't know what is.

Exclusive? Oh, my God.

Oh, come on, stop it before I--

Oh. Uh-oh.

It happened.

I split my Spanx.

Martha Stewart, please.

It's Michelle Obama.

What's this about?

My sheets shrunk and I am pissed.

Hello?

Max, it didn't work when you were Mick Jagger with a busted muffin tin...

...or Alicia Keys with a wonky shower curtain.

It really didn't work when you were Steve Jobs back from the dead...

...with thoughts on her panini press.

-Stop sober dialing Martha Stewart. -Who says I'm sober?

Max, give me your phone.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

And they're like

Now give me my phone.

Okay. Take it. Done. I'm over her.

When is she gonna call me?

My milkshake would totally bring her to the yard.

Max, this isn't you.

I mean, you're strong. You're a bad-ass.

You beat HPV with Tylenol.

And it wasn't even the name brand.

What's wrong with you?

I was a virgin before Martha, okay?

No one ever told me I was good at anything.

And you never forget your first rich white woman.

With or without Martha Stewart...

...we'll build our cupcake business and be a success. I know it.

How? How do you know that?

I know because you have the talent, I have the vision, and because I feel it.

I feel it here.

Oh, blech. Your heart?

No. My pearls.

My lucky pearls.

By lucky, do you mean ugly?

I've worn these every day since I was evicted from my townhouse.

This pearl necklace brings me luck.

You think your life is lucky?

This morning, you used toilet paper as a coffee filter...

...and then used it as toilet paper.

This sounds silly, but there is something about putting on these pearls...

...that makes me feel strong, confident, and like anything is possible.

And as long as I have these lucky pe--

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No, no. Don't freak out, don't freak out. We'll get them.

Oh, no.

My pearls. My lucky pearls.

Yes, yes, we have identified the problem.

Just pick them up.

Whoa, looks like somebody found breakfast.

No, Chestnut.

I'm still using that.

Well, nothing's gonna work out now.

Here comes the bad luck.

Don't be ridiculous. Your luck couldn't get any worse.

Or could it?

Okay, Earl. This is the L-520 order-system touchpad.

Look how simple. See?

I'm telling you, I can't figure this tricky little thing out.

Earl, it's an on/off button.

Oh, slow down.

It does both?

Let me just charge this up for you right here.

Oh, this thing has been plugged more than the Kardashian sisters.

I better check the old wiring in diner first.

Max, now I feel like everyone's staring at my chest area.

Well, welcome to my life every day since I was 9.

That necklace meant something special to me.

Didn't you ever lose anything sentimental you had for a long time?

My mother. But then she found her way back.

Look, I am done waiting for Martha to call.

I say we go down there with some cupcakes...

...remind her she liked them...

-...and suggest she puts us on her show. -No, I can't go without my pearls.

And it's more than just the luck. It's who I was before I lost everything.

You know how I always say, "Hi, I'm Caroline Channing"...

...and then touch my pearls?

I'm not just introducing myself, I'm reminding myself.

Well, let me remind you of something else.

Yesterday you told me we were going to rule the world with cupcakes.

Yeah, that was the pearls talking.

Okay, well, now I'm talking.

There is no luck, there's only work.

And right now, you're working my last nerve.

So I'm going down there myself and if Martha won't help me...

...I'm gonna bust her kneecaps with a rolling pin and say:

"Now, that's a good thing."

What if we just send Martha an e-mail...

...so we're not in her office begging some receptionist.

- That won't do anything. - It will.

I craft amazing e-mails. I went to Wharton.

-Heh. -Please don't, Max, that's all I have left.

Max, Caroline.

I found something at the Restaurant Trade Show you might be interested in.

The only trade I'm interested in is if we can exchange you for anybody else.

- Ha, ha. - You won't be laughing in a minute.

Look, it's a cupcake from the new state-of-the-art cupcake ATM machine.

Sprinkles Cupcakes plans to put them everywhere.

Soon everyone will be able to just push a button, day or night...

...and get a cupcake.

So I guess what I'm saying is, you might be screwed.

Delicious.

And no attitude.

Well, more bad luck. I thought you were kidding, but machines are taking over.

We can't compete with that. The business is done. Game over.

Man, you are never gonna make it in the future.

This is where the humans fight.

This is where we march down to Martha Stewart, demand a blurb...

...so we can compete with machines...

...just like in Terminator 2: Rise of the Desserts.

Fine. Let's go see Martha. She's our only hope.

My lucky necklace is gone. We can no longer wait for magic to happen.

Thank you, by the way, for never telling me that our former plan was magic.

We'll just reintroduce ourselves and our cupcakes to Martha...

...and impress her, even though I'm wearing a necklace I hate.

It's limp, anemic and lackluster.

I have an Olsen twin around my neck.

Here.

What are you doing?

So Martha will recognize me.

Hi, excuse me. Two questions:

Which floor is Martha Stewart on, and should I lose this necklace?

Well, your silence speaks volumes.

Hi, I'm not crazy, so you can just tell me the floor number.

Elevator right over there, 15th floor, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia.

Heh. Just got a little damp.

Thanks for your help. Feels better.

Smart, getting necklace advice from a guy with no neck.

Wait. Is that--? That's the cupcake machine that Han was talking about.

Oh, no.

I was hoping it'd be ugly, but it's pink and really cute.

It's like a gay R2-D2.

Well, a gayer R2-D2.

Who wouldn't want a cupcake from this?

No one.

We have to mess her up.

What? Why are you carrying spray paint in your purse?

For the same reason I carry a tampon. Because you never know.

We are not gonna destroy someone else's property.

Well, we have to do something, because it's that machine or us.

Oh, I know. We can open the little door and put a poop in it.

Not one of mine. Jeez, what am I, a pig?

Well, I'm not doing it.

No. We just get some puppy poo from the street.

No. We are not that desperate.

And I'm out of Wetnaps.

No, see. We already met Martha. We're just stopping by to say hi.

You've already met Martha, you're just stopping by to say hi.

Yes. Martha Stewart asked us for our card.

Martha Stewart asked you for your card.

Where should I tell Martha she asked for your card?

In the ladies' room.

Martha Stewart asked you for your card in the ladies' room.

Okay. Don't make it sound like that. It happened.

-We cornered her in the-- -Don't make it sound like that either.

We went to a gala on the off-chance she'd be gracious enough to try our cupcake.

-And she did. She was very gracious. -"Cornered" was the wrong word.

It's not like we went there to hunt her down.

It's not like you went there to hunt her down.

It's not.

Okay. I hear your tone.

I see what's going down here. You think I'm some kind of a problem.

Well, for the record: Martha came on to me.

All right. Okay.

This is not going as well as we had hoped.

Don't know how it could without my magic pearls.

l get that you're not gonna let us up there, and I don't blame you...

...what with this one talking about magic. But just so you know, we are not lying.

It happened. And after we hunted her down--

Because, yeah, you got us on that, we did.

--Martha told us she liked our entrepreneurial drive.

Well, that does sound like Martha.

Okay. I'll send these up. Have a seat.

Oh. Thank you so much.

And here, please take one.

Just so you can see for yourself why Martha asked for our card.

Well, I was gonna get a cupcake from that cute machine downstairs later.

Oh. Don't. I heard someone found something nasty in that. In about an hour.

Max.

This is our beer-batter maple-bacon Spring Break cupcake.

Mm. I see why Martha--

Oh! What the--?

I cracked my tooth.

What--? Ow!

What is that? Is it glass?

No, it's a pearl.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry? You're sorry?

I've been wearing Invisaligns for 11 months.

Well, there goes our big break.

Never would have happened if I'd had my necklace.

The one that broke into the batter...

...and that woman spit into her hand mixed with saliva and blood?

That lucky necklace?

Yes.

Might as well face it.

You and I are on our own. Not just because of Martha either.

Because there is no such thing as good luck. Never seen it.

And all lucky charms are stupid, except for the Lucky Charms...

...which are magically delicious.

Look at it over there.

Gay R2-D2 just laughing at us.

You were right, Max. You and I are on our own.

We're just a little start-up cupcake company in a hard, hard world.

And we gotta take matters into our own hands. Cover me.

Wait, wait. No. No. Don't do it now, the guard is right there--

Hey, you. Stop that. What kind of freaks deface a cupcake machine?

Run, run, run.

Okay, stop, stop, stop. We lost him.

You know you only tagged the wall, right?

Yes. I have no luck.

No one has any luck.

With the possible exception of Lindsay Lohan's lawyer.

Look, it's Martha. She's getting in that car. Give me the cupcakes.

I'm going after her before she talks to that lady whose mouth we broke.

- Max, don't jiggle the cupcakes. - Don't worry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Max. Are you all right?

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

No broken bones.

Which is surprising because when I was a kid, we couldn't afford milk.

The only time my mother bought milk was when my face was on the carton.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I guess there is such a thing as luck.

And tomorrow night, when you come in for takeout, Sophie...

...all Max has to do is hit this little thing.

Well, if I'm allowed to hit little things, you're next.

Change makes everyone so tense.

Kitchen is now closed.

I have plans.

Big plans.

Sophie, I understand your relationship with Oleg is complicated...

...so let's simplify it:

Are you having sex in our building tonight, and do I have to wear earplugs?

I will be alone.

But wear them anyway.

Hi. Sorry, we're closed.

I do not wish to eat. I just got collect call from Oleg.

She said, we are closed.

Oh, and who are you?

I'm the last person you will see before you learn how to walk again.

Stay away from Oleg or I'll pull your intestines out through your nose...

...and give them to her to wear as new necklace.

Fine. I will leave.

But only because you have eyes of a python and I have possible UTI.

Sophie?

Why don't you just admit it, you and Oleg?

What? It's not like I want him.

It's just that, where I come from, you never throw anything away.

Here you go, ladies.

Enjoy the extra tips from your credit card...

...because when Han flips that switch, the only tip I can give you is...

...don't wash your hair every day.

It dries it out.

Okay. Here comes the future.

One, two--

Oh, this old building sucks me so hard.

Congratulations, ladies.

This is your lucky night.

Speaking of luck, here are your pearls.

I found most of them, but I think Chestnut ate a few.

-You can dig for those later yourself. -Max.

And it won't look the same...

...because you have to string them on this cheap-ass wire...

...I got at the hipster bead store, Beading Off.

We can add this Earl bonus money to our business total.

Yeah, that 150 will really put a dent in the 250,000 we need.

We'll get there. You and I have something Martha Stewart...

...and machines don't.

Unpaid bills? Mushrooms growing on our bathroom rug?

No. Each other.

Aw, a year later, you're still trying to get me to feel things.

Do you wanna know the real reason I thought this necklace was so lucky?

I was wearing it the day I met you.

So I'm gonna have some extras. Do you wanna make one for yourself?

No, I've had plenty of pearl necklaces, and I find them more sticky than lucky.

Max. "ms@marthastewartinc.com."

"Haven't forgotten about you girls. Martha Stewart."

Just when I thought I was out, she pulls me back in again.

English - US - SDH