Original subtitles

- Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the--

- Ah. I'm on the phone.

- I've been waiting for help for, like, 20 minutes.

- I've been on hold for 40.

But when the Chili Peppers come to town,

you do what it takes.

- Is there a manager I could speak with?

- Yeah, obstructed view is fine.

Whatever it takes to see the Peppers.

- What you watching? Stuff?

- Corporate sent a secret shopper

to the Richmond Heights store.

It did not go well. - I think the screen froze.

- Nah, he just stays like that for another 20 minutes.

- Sir, excuse me.

- I heard the Maplewood Commons got a secret shopper too.

- Yeah, they cleaned house after.

Fired everyone.

- Even the manager?

- Especially the manager.

- [gasps] How do you get especially fired?

- Kirkwood got a secret shopper, but they did well.

All the associates got raises.

- Like money? - No.

Like they were lifted up into the air

and waved around-- yeah, money.

- I wonder if they'll send one here.

- A secret shopper? [scoffs]

I'd know.

I can always sniff out a fake.

The only way a secret shopper's getting past me

is if he doesn't even know he's a secret shopper.

Like Harrison Ford in "Blade Runner."

- I'm gonna say this one more time.

Deckard was not a replicant.

- Then explain the friggin' unicorn!

- Director's Cut doesn't count!

- I can't listen to

the "Blade Runner" debate one more time.

- I would love for them to send a secret shopper.

But then again, I got a 93

on my last corporate policy test,

so nothing but net.

- Mateo, those scores don't mean anything.

- I don't know. 93 is pretty impressive.

I got 100. - [scoffs]

Really?

- Well, that was a hurtfully exaggerated "really."

- No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound bad.

I just meant, you're not very good at your job.

- Oh, okay. Well, thank you.

- Okay, guys, nothing else matters

but this secret shopper, okay?

We need a plan.

I know.

What if we treated every customer

like they were the secret shopper?

- Nah, that's never gonna work.

- Yeah, it's a terrible idea.

[upbeat music]

*

- This has got to be the lamest thing

anyone has ever been cocky about.

- I know. It's so embarrassing.

I told them not to put that up there,

but I guess they felt they had to honor me somehow.

- You know you're just asking someone to draw a penis

on your face, right?

- This must be really bittersweet for you,

being surpassed by your protégé.

But now is no longer the time of Amy.

No, now is the time of Ace.

- Oh, Ace? Wow.

- Ace. They're calling me Ace now.

- Strong words from a guy who led

a flock of ducks into the store.

- My pocket was ripped.

I didn't know I was trailing crackers.

- Why are you even walking around

with crackers in your pocket?

- Because they don't have the kind I like here.

- All right, Marcus is in court today

testifying against his grandmother,

so I need you to help zone Clearance

and then stock charcoal in Patio.

- Charcoal doesn't go in Patio anymore.

It goes in Grocery.

I got that answer right on the test.

I know that because I got

every answer right on the test.

- This is supposed to be one of the last

warm weekends of the year.

Do you know what people like to do

when the weather is nice?

- Eat soft-shell crab.

- Grill, and our customers are used to finding charcoal

for their grills in Patio.

So unless we want to spend the next few weeks being MapQuest,

we'll make the switch after grilling season.

- Yeah, but with all the secret shopper stuff,

shouldn't we just be doing things by the book?

- I know how to do my job.

I'm not gonna live in fear of some corporate spy.

- Follow-up question:

You don't still use MapQuest, do you?

- It's very intuitive.

[motor whirring]

- * When you hear the call

* You got to get it under way *

* Word up

[engine whining and puttering]

[suspenseful music]

- First time in our store? - [gasps]

Oh, no. I've been here before.

- Really?

Because I have a pretty good memory for faces,

right there... [clicks tongue]

In my brain. - [chuckles]

Well, you must have forgotten mine.

[laughter] - Yeah, I don't think so.

It's very distinctive looking.

- [clears throat]

- But maybe it was my mistake.

Guess you're just a regular customer

doing some regular pet food shopping.

Say, what type of pet do you have?

- It's a dog. - What kind?

- Cockapoo-- - How old?

- Four-- - Gender?

- Girl. - Well...

Looks like you've got an answer for everything.

So I'll just leave you to your shopping.

[chuckles] Oh!

I almost forgot to ask.

What's your cat's name?

- It's a dog.

- Sure it is.

- Where would I find men's hats?

- [exhales deeply]

All right, you're gonna want to go to aisle 16,

and then straight, uh... oh.

Uh, who's this hat for? A boyfriend?

- No. No boyfriend.

It's for my dad. - Tight, tight.

Well, I could take you over there personally.

And if you'd like, I could model some of the options for you.

You know, they say my head looks amazing in hats.

- [chuckles] All right.

- Yeah, that was cute and funny.

Uh, let me tell you about myself--

- Did I hear you ask about men's hats?

I can help you with that.

- Uh, I got this, man.

- Okay, just thought I'd ask,

since I've personally tested every hat we sell,

and Garrett is a sexual predator.

- What? - Excuse me?

- Yeah, that's why his nickname is "The Rapist."

Unconvicted, but we all know.

Anyway, are we thinking Panama hat?

Trilby? Tricorn?

- You know what? I'm good.

- Okay, well, remember to ask for Mateo.

He'll make your day-o!

- What the [bleep] was that?

- I don't know. I thought she was the secret shopper.

- So? - There are raises on the line.

So sorry, not sorry. I'm not here to make friends.

- [scoffs] Fine, whatever.

I just hope for your sake,

the secret shopper isn't one of us.

- Wh--wait, wait. What does that mean?

- Pssh. I ain't even gonna tell you.

- No, no. You can tell me.

- Well, at the Penrose store,

the corporate plant was an employee.

And when he was done, everyone who was a dick to him

got fired.

But, hey, that's why I always

try to be nice to all my coworkers,

but I'm just kind of one of those guys

that likes to keep his job, so...

[clicks tongue] Good luck.

- Thank--thank you.

- [chuckles softly]

- My life, my heart, my home

I would give everything I own

- Well, no one's panicking. That's a good sign.

We all just need to stay cool about this, right?

I mean, I'm being cool.

- You know that's not a stress ball, right?

It's a lemon. - Let me have my process.

- Am I imagining things,

or did I ask you to stock the charcoal in Patio?

- Glenn told me-- - Jonah reminded me

that charcoal is supposed to be in Grocery now.

- Mm.

- We don't want to make any mistakes,

not with a secret shopper in our mist.

Wait, is it mist or midst?

Which one were the gorillas in again?

- Jonah?

- Mist.

- So, um, you went over my head to Glenn?

- Well, no, it just sort of came up in conversation--

- Well, thank God he did.

You know, you could stand to learn something

from Mr. 100 here.

That's a nickname that we came up with.

- He came up with. - Yeah.

I could think of a nickname for you too,

but you haven't done anything really impressive lately.

How about Little Miss "On Time"?

Dr. Cool?

Workules?

- How about just Amy?

Floor supervisor.

- Boring. Wait.

.

- Hey.

Here you are.

- Olives?

- It's the closest thing I could find to an olive branch.

- Thanks.

Uh, so I guess now I restock these--

- No, no, no, I'll do it. I'll--I'll--

- Excuse me. Where can I find the charcoal?

- Grocery.

- Look, I'm sorry for going over your head like that.

And I know what you're thinking.

I wouldn't have done that if you were a man.

- Nope. Wasn't thinking that.

- Oh, good. - It's fine.

Just, next time, come to me first

before you go to Glenn, all right?

- Got it, got it.

Although, I did come to you first.

- Yeah, so next time, do a better job of it.

- Better job. - Yeah.

- Copy that.

How?

- Hey, uh, are we sold out of charcoal?

both: Grocery. - Hmm.

Where are tampons? Electronics?

- No, they're where tampons normally are.

- Okay.

- How about you hang these nifty signs

and then grab a mop?

Because I don't think that raccoon ever left us.

- Will do, uh, so--so real quick,

and I hate to even mention this,

but I think there's, like, a store policy

against hanging flyers.

- Yeah, I'm not, like, looking for a new bassist

for my punk band; I think this is fine.

- Right, right, of course.

But there really is a policy.

- Yeah, you just said that.

- But I'm now trying to do a better job of saying it.

[suspenseful music]

- Condolence cards, huh?

Bummer. Who died?

- Uh, a friend of mine.

Hmm. You don't look very upset.

Probably not that good a friend.

Can I see a death certificate?

- I-I don't think I need a death certificate

just to buy a card.

- Well, well, well.

Look who knows a lot about Cloud 9 store policies.

What was your friend's name?

- I don't understand-- - How did he die?

What did he love? What kind of music was he into?

Billy Joel? Everybody's into Billy Joel.

Was he a vegetarian or normal?

The kind of guy you trust with a lot of money or--

- Enough, all right?

I see what you're doing, and you're right.

By the end, I didn't really know him anymore.

May--maybe I never really knew him.

The point is, I wasn't there for him

when he needed me the most.

- Hmm.

Funny. You don't look Jewish.

[suspenseful music]

- Mateo.

What you doing in here?

- I'm investigating.

What if there is no secret shopper?

You ever think that corporate is spying on us

with a secret employee?

- Well, no, but now that's all I can think about.

- You notice how Jonah

never talks about what he was doing before this job?

- Well, sure, but I just figured he was a criminal.

You'd be surprised how many of our employees have been.

- I mean, I've always wondered why an educated,

privileged pretty boy would decide to work here.

And then I noticed Jonah's car has Illinois plates.

- Oh.

- Do you know what else is in Illinois?

- Oh, soybeans.

- Cloud 9 headquarters.

- Oh!

- I mean, now it makes sense how he beat my score

on that test; he probably wrote the test.

- Okay. Let's keep this under our hats.

I don't want anyone to start acting weird around him.

[chuckles]

Jonah, do you know why I called you in here?

- Uh, no.

Am I in trouble?

- [nervous chuckling] As if.

- [chuckles]

- Why? Am I in trouble?

- Um, I-I don't think so.

- Whew. That's a relief.

- Yeah. - So, um...

I'm just gonna come out and say it.

You know, I think I deserve a raise.

- Absolutely. - Really?

- Yeah. A big one.

- Would you be willing to tell people about that?

- [stammers] Am I? Sure, yeah.

I'll definitely--I'll tell whoever you want, yeah.

- Oh, my God.

I-I don't know--

you--you--

I'm so glad we had this conversation.

Yeah.

I keep a tin of candies in here

for special occasions.

They are wickedly sour.

- * I think we're alone now

* There doesn't seem to be... *

- What? Didn't he...

- Just like a regular Joe, huh?

You're gonna have to do better than that.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- I think I got that--

- Let's talk about why you need

each of those items in that basket.

- Excuse me, Dina? Have you seen Jonah?

- Last time I saw that little piece,

he was talking to Glenn in his office.

[sniffs]

God, you smell like you're from Chicago.

- Will Jonah please report to Patio immediately?

I repeat...

Jonah to Patio...

- One second.

- Immediately!

- Okay. I'm on my way.

- Make sure that you actually are.

- I just said I am.

- Yes, but sometimes you say you're going to do things,

and then you don't.

- Why don't we have this discussion in person?

- Given that you just started working here...

- What is going on?

- Maybe you shouldn't tell me how to do my job.

- Or maybe you should leave the intercom open

for more important announcements.

- No, you guys go wild. I never want this to end.

- I am your supervisor.

Don't think you know this job better than me

just because you did well on some stupid test.

- The test doesn't make me think I know better.

The test is empirical proof that I do know better.

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

Dildos are on sale for 69 cents in aisle 69.

- Hey, bozo, we're using the intercom!

Get off!

- Why don't you take your own advice?

- Baba Booey, Baba Booey!

Howard Stern for president!

- Hey, I need that!

- Penis, penis, penis! Karen Figoletto is a skank!

- Actually, kid, that's a lot more insightful

than anything Jonah's got to say today.

- Our manager seems to think I'm very insightful.

- Yes, that's because

you're a little ass-kissing [bleep]face.

- Oh...

.

- I don't understand what's gotten into you.

You're just lucky that Jonah doesn't take

these kinds of things personally.

- Jonah?

- Do you know what he said to me

when I asked him if he was going to fire you?

He said, "I can't do that."

- 'Cause he can't.

I'm his boss.

- Oh, right.

You are saying something that is true to you.

[phone vibrating] Oh, sorry.

Yeah? Sweetie, great news.

I'm getting a raise!

There'll be money for the houseboat

and for your mom's surgery.

- Hey, Glenn? - Hmm?

- Can I get back to work? - Yeah.

Just play nice with Jonah.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your day

doing backbreaking work in the stockroom.

- [slow clapping]

Very convincing.

- What do you mean, dear?

- What I mean, "dear,"

is, if you'd just stayed in Pharmacy,

I wouldn't have batted an eye.

But no one your age is throwing their money away on a new bed.

I mean, let's be honest.

How many years of sleeping do you even have left?

- I don't know what's happening here.

- I'll tell you what's happening.

Your cover's been blown, sweetheart.

Hello, Chicago.

I'm not stupid. [chuckles]

- Oh.

Hey, so, uh...

Things got a little out of hand back there.

- Yeah.

Is this your way of apologizing?

- No, that was me giving you

the chance to apologize to me.

- Oh.

Okay, thank you.

Um, is there anything else I can help you with?

- We're out of Nosey the Anteater.

It's a plush toy-- - Yeah, I know who Nosey is.

I'll get him.

- Do you, um-- do you need a hand--

- No, no. No. No, thank you.

I know how to operate a forklift.

It's just been a while,

and I don't remember there being so many levers.

Why are they always improving things?

- Are you sure you don't want any help?

Because I've been studying the manual for my certification.

- Oh, that's great, but, you know,

sometimes you can memorize a textbook for something

and still not know how to do it in real life, so...

- Okay. Have at it.

[mechanical grinding]

[beep]

- [shrieks]

Oh!

[objects crashing and clattering]

Okay, Ace, why don't you give it a shot?

- [muttering] - Garrett, what up?

Have you seen Jonah?

I got some meatballs

from that place he always calls "an unassuming gem."

- Why are you getting meatballs for Jonah?

- Because Jonah is a secret employee.

- What?

No. [imitates exploding]

Bad news, though. Jonah hates meatballs.

- What? - Doesn't like 'em.

You know what he does like?

He likes cakes

from that bakery down on Birch.

- The one you're always talking about?

- Mm-hmm, yeah. That same one.

Jonah likes it too. Jonah likes it too.

- Okay.

- He loves the cakes with coconut on them.

- Okay, coconut cake, bakery on Birch.

- None of that white chocolate stuff.

- Got it, I'm on it. - That's what I'm talking about.

You're a secret shopper, aren't you?

That's cool. I won't tell.

- Maybe this does something...

[machinery grinding] - Um...

- No. No. - I don't think that's it.

- Okay, okay. - Turn it off.

- Sorry, not this! - Turn it off!

- Okay!

Okay, your turn.

[thumping hip-hop music]

Stop! Stop!

Stop! - Oh!

- * Let the boys be boys

- The printers are right underneath--

They're crushing the-- - Oh, okay, okay.

[both grunting]

Cool? - No, not cool!

[both straining]

- I'm spinning!

- Okay, all right.

Turn--I'm not touching anything!

It's just going! - Stop turning.

Like this? - God, oh, God.

- Amy!

- * Let the boys be boys

- Yes!

It's all coming back to me.

It's like riding a four-ton bicycle.

[beeping]

You hear that?

That's the sound of victory.

- No, no, no, no! You have to raise--

[crashing]

- [screams]

Wah!

Oh!

.

- My life is not complete, I never see you smile

- Try, try, try, let it ride

- So is there anything you want to talk about?

Or should we just continue to destroy the stockroom?

- Look, I haven't told anyone here this

because it would be really embarrassing

if it didn't work out,

but I've started taking college courses.

- Well, that's--

- If anything you're about to say

includes the words "brave," "courageous,"

or "girl power," please don't talk.

So it was a little annoying

when you started rubbing that stupid test in my face

as if it meant you were smarter than me or something.

- I don't think I'm smarter than you.

- I know you're not smarter than me.

That's what's so annoying.

You're just one of those guys

that things seem to work out for.

- I flunked out of business school...

[chuckles] In Chicago.

I didn't want to be there anyway.

It was stupid.

I was just 28 and trying to figure out

what I wanted to do with my life.

And apparently what I wanted to do with my life

was rack up a whole bunch of debt.

- So what'd you do?

- I took a long drive.

And then I wanted a snack,

and so I stopped at this random store in St. Louis

and saw they were hiring, and...

- Wow. - [chuckles]

You know, if you weren't my boss,

I would say we should just get up and walk away

like we didn't know any of this happened.

- [scoffs] Yeah, right.

Although, these bolts are pretty rusty.

They could have totally fallen by themselves.

- You are preaching to the choir.

- Um, Jonah? Jonah.

Jonah!

[engine whirring]

- Oh! Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

- [shouting]

- [whimpering]

- Oh!

- [laughing]

Hey, all things considered,

I think you handled that pretty well.

- I got to hand it to that guy. He's good.

I wouldn't be surprised if he had CIA training.

Spent a little time at The Farm.

- You know they just sent the same guy

they did last time, right?

- So what does this mean for us?

- Well, luckily, we still scored pretty well

compared to Richmond Heights.

Turns out they had a meth lab in their basement,

which, turns out, was just a front

for a dog fighting ring.

[all murmuring] - Shh, shh, shh, shh.

This is my favorite part.

- What? What's wrong with you?

- I know a camera when I see a camera.

Come on! - You're crazy.

[grunting]

- Man, the camera loves me.