Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* And my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Yes, sir. (STAMMERING) Yeah. Yes, sir.

Mr. Walpole, I will get to it as soon as I get a chance.

Yes, sir, I do enjoy working here.

I'll get to it right now. Goodbye, sir.

Copy!

Never mind.

They have really got you hopping today.

Oh, it's... You wouldn't believe it, Lydia.

I have to interview an alderman

and research a six-part series

on money laundering.

updating the obituaries.

(SIGHS)

When the pressure starts building,

I do what I'm doing this weekend.

Go to the Bahamas, print a bunch of my old columns

and call it "The Best of Lydia."

Well, I'm afraid they won't run a "Best of the Obituaries."

Which reminds me, if I don't get all this research done

for Mr. Walpole, I am a dead man.

Oh, face it, Larry, when they say jump, you ask, "How high?"

Yeah, well, the next person who asks me for something

is gonna get an earful from Larry Appleton.

Appleton?

Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

I need a thousand-word background story

on the Burgess murder trial.

But it might take a while.

and I have to interview Alderman Bennett.

Appleton, if you'd learn to budget your time

you'd be able to get through all this.

Now, get on it! Yes, sir.

Thanks for the tip, sir!

Guess you told him.

because what I'm gonna tell you

is gonna knock your socks off!

I was just put in charge of the Chronicle newsletter!

That's nice.

Balki, congratulations!

Thank you, Ms. Lydia.

I love reading the "Chronicle Chatter."

It is so fascinating reading about people

I see every day but would never socialize with.

Cousin, cousin, isn't that great news?

Don't it make you just want to sing and shout

and throw your body to the floor!

Uh-huh. Come on, cousin!

Celebrate!

* Dance to the music *

How about it? Yeah, that's wonderful.

Cousin, I am very excited about this,

and I would like you to share that excitement,

and I would like that now.

I'm sorry, Balki.

That's, that's great news!

And a great opportunity for you!

If you do a good job, you could become a real reporter

and get out of this basement.

Well, cousin, you're a real reporter

and you're still in this basement.

So, unfortunately, the answer to your next question is no.

Wow!

I don't even know what my next question is going to be...

And you already know the answer.

Do you have ESPN?

No.

HBO?

No.

PMS?

No. No, no, no.

Balki, the point I am trying to make as quickly as possible

is that I know you would like the advice of someone

who has had a lot of experience in journalism.

Oh, cousin, I would! I would!

Could you introduce me to someone like that?

No, I mean, I'm the one who could help you.

Thank you, cousin!

But I'm just too busy.

Well, throw acid rain on my parade.

(COMIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Dimitri.

This part of the newsletter is finished.

Couldn't have done it without your help.

Now, would you like to give it your stamp of approval?

(SQUEAKING)

Take five, babe.

Hi, Balki. Cousin!

I finished all my articles for the Chronicle newsletter.

Well, that's terrific!

* Di di di di di-di di-di

* Hey hey hey hey

* Hey hey hey *

Well...

Let's see what you got here.

Cousin, I, I think you're really gonna like this.

I, I feel I've developed my own unique style.

Some may liken it to Hemmingway

while others cite Kafka, but you decide.

"The Chronicle's favorite advice-columnist

"Ms. Lydia Markham, looks well rested after her vacation

"in the Bahamas."

Is that it?

Pretty good, huh?

"Mr. Gorpley has been looking pretty snazzy all week,

"setting a good example for the rest of us."

Oh, I, I editorialized a little towards the end of that one.

I, I don't know, I thought it needed a little color,

a little something, a little snap.

Balki. What?

This is all fluff.

Oh, thank you, cousin.

But you don't know, you lose perspective

on a project like this.

You know, it's all this--

You know, who cares if Lydia looks well-rested

or what Gorpley is wearing?

Balki, I'm afraid this just isn't good enough.

But I, I write it just like they told me to.

If they told you to jump would you ask, "How high?"

Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous.

and hope it was good enough.

"Good enough" doesn't sound like you.

Who does it sound like?

The Balki I know wouldn't settle for good enough.

The Balki I know would want to do his best.

The Balki I know would wanna make this the best newsletter

in the history of newsletters!

I want to be like the Balki you know!

You are the Balki I know.

Now, Balki, if you wanna make this,

this newsletter something worth reading

then you've got to tell the story behind the story.

You've got to dig deeper.

You've got to tell them why he is suddenly so well-dressed.

Cousin, I want do that.

Good. How I do that?

I'm going to tell you how to do that.

I can't wait. Okay.

Now, to be a good reporter you've got to know

how to use who, what, when, where and why.

The five W's of journalism.

What? That's one.

What one? Exactly.

Exactly what? Good.

And who is another.

I don't know, who is another?

Right. And don't forget where.

Where, what? That's two.

What's two? No, what's one.

Who is another, and you know where.

I don't know where.

Sure you do.

What's giving you trouble?

I don't know what's giving me trouble.

No, who you've got.

Who I've got? And you know where.

Where? Exactly.

Exactly, what? Perfect!

Just a couple more and we'll be done soon.

When?

Oo-oo-ooh, wow!

No, no. Why?

I don't know why.

Well, you knew all the others.

When? And where?

Where, what? And why.

I don't know why!

All I know is I was sitting here gluing,

you came in, we did the dance of joy,

you make some false promise about another Balki,

and now I'm totally confused and emotionally drained.

Okay, calm down.

Calm down.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm, I'm...

All right, let's start over again.

With what? Yes.

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

GORPLEY: Bartokomous!

It's almost noon, I'm going to lunch, I'll be back at 4:00.

Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.

Would you please tell me how come

you're so dressed up this week?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

Oh, I love guessing games

as much as the next guy, you big kidder.

But, but I'm working against a deadline.

And I'm working with an idiot.

Mr. Gorpley hires new employee.

Check it out.

How's it going, Balki?

Well, cousin, I've got some leads,

but, but every time I try to dig deeper,

I wind up shoveling alone.

Well, if reporting were easy, everybody would be doing it.

Hmm.

If you wanna be a good reporter,

I put on a clean pair this morning.

No, I mean, you're gonna have to find

new ways of getting your information.

If someone won't talk to you, talk to their friends,

talk to their wives, talk to their ex-wives.

Well, what if they're not married

and they don't have any friends?

Well, then you have to hang out in places

where you think you can pick up information.

Uh, water cooler, the lobby, the snack bar.

Who knows? You might have to go incognito.

Oh, I don't know, cousin.

I don't care much for Mexican food.

It always gives me Monty Hall's revenge.

No, I mean, you might have to wear a disguise.

But, but, cousin, that sounds

an awful lot like snooping.

It's not snooping if you're writing it down.

Then, it's journalism.

Oh!

Well, I've got to get this up to Mr. Wainwright's office.

Good luck with your newsletter.

Thanks. Can I, can I push the button?

All right, you push the button.

Bye-bye.

No. No, not bye-bye.

Quotes. Quotes. Always get exact quotes.

Oh, right. Right, right, right. Quotes. Quotes.

Wainwright's still running you around like a madman, Larry?

Lydia, would you believe this is the third time

he's had me rewrite this murder story?

He said I mentioned murder too many times.

If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright is not playing with a full deck.

"Mr. Wainwright is not playing with a full deck."

What a great...

(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Get your copy of the "Chronicle Chatter"

under new management.

Here you go, cousin. Ah.

Thank you, Balki.

It's, it's, it's hot off the presses.

I'll get to it later.

Read it before they wrap fish in it.

I guess you want me to read this now.

Only if you have time.

I'll make the time.

but I've been so busy.

We both had papers to put out.

(LAUGHING)

This is the best thing I have seen in years.

Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.

Well, I'm overcome!

Well, whoever wrote the story about Lydia did a great job.

Well, you're lookin' right through him.

but you found out she really went to Milwaukee

to have an eyelid tuck.

(LAUGHING)

Nice going, Bartokomous!

Excuse me?

Oh, hmm.

I thought maybe later on I could give it a political angle.

"If you're wondering who had what done where the answer is

"Ms. Lydia, the paper's favorite advice columnist

"went to Milwaukee to get her eyelids tucked.

"When? Over the weekend.

"So if you get a chance, compliment her

"on her new peeper-covers."

(CHUCKLES)

How many of these have you given out?

One to every employee in the building,

and I left a complimentary pile in the lobby.

Okay, get your coat! We're getting out of here.

What? Come on!

Huh?

I want some answers and I want them now!

Lydia, I'm sure everything can be explained.

I have been humiliated!

Held up to ridicule in front of everyone in the building!

Who did this to you, Ms. Lydia?

They'll have to answer to me!

Chill out, Lydia. I thought the article was hilarious.

Peeper-covers.

(LAUGHING)

You are pretty cheerful for a man

who doesn't have long to live.

What are you talking about?

The article about you and Maggie.

The what?

You mean, there's another?

Oh, didn't you read the last page?

It's equally hilarious.

Thank you very much. I, I do try to accent the lighter side.

"Sam Gorpley, looking very handsome

"in a pickled herring bone suit...

"...was seen dining with who?

"Maggie Miner, wife of sports editor

"and bodybuilder Matt Miner, that's who.

"Apparently Maggie has a sore knee, because Mr. Gorpley

"was nice enough to rub it all during lunch."

I'm a dead man.

But I'm taking somebody with me.

Oh! Okay, okay, uh, Balki.

(LAUGHING) They fell for it!

Let's let them in on our little joke.

There are only two copies of the newsletter and you got them.

(LAUGHING)

They're all over the building.

Balki, I cannot believe that you would write stuff like this.

You know, I can hardly believe it myself.

I was afraid my writing would be flat and pedestrian but...

I just followed exactly

what Cousin Larry told me to do and...

You can see the results.

But I, I didn't help that much.

Oh, come on, cousin, you're being modest.

No, no! Listen, the, the truth must be told.

Oh, I don't know.

You see, I was just going to write

that Ms. Lydia went to the Bahamas,

but Cousin Larry kept saying, "No,

"you got to dig a little deeper."

BALKI: "You got to dig a little deeper."

No, no! I didn't, I didn't.

Appleton!

Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

Yes, sir. Yes, what can I do for you, sir?

Research? Filing? Out-of-town assignment?

Explain this article in the "Chronicle Chatter."

Oh, no, another one?

"If you're wondering what Mr. Wainwright might like

"in his Christmas stocking, might I suggest

"a pack of playing cards.

"Because, according to Cousin Larry Appleton,

"Mr. Wainwright isn't playing with a full deck."

Uh, uh, uh...a full deck, isn't that a nautical term?

Mr. Wainwright, one less thing to ask Santa for, huh?

I, I would never say anything like that about you, sir.

I, I must have been misquoted.

No, cousin, I was standing right...

No, no, no, you taught me!

I was standing right there and I caught

the exact quote as it flew out of your mouth.

It was, it was taken out of context!

(STAMMERING) It was, it had to be... Have you lost weight?

Because that's a very nice suit. It matches your head.

Your hair. The hair on your head.

Appleton... Yes, sir?

Appleton, when you're coherent, call me.

You bet I will, sir.

Mr. Wainwright and Mr. Gorpley in fashion war.

Check it out!

I'm Matt Miner.

And I'm looking for Sam Gorpley.

LYDIA AND GORPLEY: That's him!

Oh.

(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

LARRY: Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

Totally. Totally, totally uncalled for.

Yes... Yes, but...

I really meant that about the weight loss, though.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Balki, good news.

I'm off the hook with Wainwright.

He was very gracious.

Balki, how long do you plan on wearing

the Myposian Mantle of a Thousand Itches?

Well, Myposian law states I must wear it

one year for every person I offended and let me see...

I think we're looking at a seven-year itch.

Balki, I really think you're carrying this a little too far.

No, no, cousin.

If I was carrying this too far...

I'd be wearing the Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing.

Balki, in America, when you offend someone,

a verbal apology is sufficient.

Unless you offend a large segment of the population,

uh, then you get a Presidential pardon.

You mean, if I, if I write everyone I offended

a verbal apology, I'll be okay?

In a manner of speaking.

Well, then I think I'll do that.

Okay, well, let's, let's take this off.

Ah!

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

Wool.

After I deliver all my apologies...

I'll, I'll resign from the newsletter.

Balki, you don't have to do that.

You did a good job. I did?

Yeah, the first newsletter you wrote was pretty good.

All it needed was a little fine tuning.

And I'm sure you'll do a terrific job

if I stay out of your way.

Cousin, would you do that for me?

You bet I would.

Thank you, cousin.

I just have one question.

How did you find out about Gorpley's lunch date

with Maggie Miner?

Oh, I, I followed your suggestion

and I went undercover.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, my name's Bart, I'll be your waiter today.

Uh...

Let me just, uh, put your drink order in real quick

and then I'll be back to explain our specials

and get you started on our salad bar.