1
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:13,747
* Sometimes the world
looks perfect

2
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,217
* Nothing to rearrange

3
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,387
* Sometimes you
just get a feeling

4
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:23,557
* Like you need
some kind of change

5
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:27,561
* No matter what the odds
are this time

6
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,963
* Nothing's gonna
stand in my way

7
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,799
* This flame in my heart

8
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,301
* Like a long lost friend

9
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:34,835
* Gives every dark street

10
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:37,838
* A light at the end

11
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:41,375
* Standing tall

12
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:45,045
* On the wings of my dream

13
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:48,048
* Rise and fall

14
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:51,519
* On the wings of my dream

15
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,354
* Through the rain and thunder

16
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,223
* The wind and haze

17
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:58,359
* I'm bound for better days

18
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,294
* It's my life

19
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,962
* And my dream

20
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:05,133
* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

21
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:26,654
Yes, sir. (STAMMERING)
Yeah. Yes, sir.

22
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,624
Mr. Walpole, I will get to it
as soon as I get a chance.

23
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,561
Yes, sir,
I do enjoy
working here.

24
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:37,097
I'll get to it right now.
Goodbye, sir.

25
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,732
Copy!

26
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,437
Never mind.

27
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,806
They have really
got you hopping today.

28
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,641
Oh, it's...
You wouldn't
believe it, Lydia.

29
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,177
I have to interview
an alderman

30
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,978
and research
a six-part series

31
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,348
on money laundering.

32
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,550
updating the obituaries.

33
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,720
(SIGHS)

34
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,455
When the pressure
starts building,

35
00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:03,090
I do what I'm doing
this weekend.

36
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:05,493
Go to the Bahamas,
print a bunch
of my old columns

37
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,595
and call it
"The Best of Lydia."

38
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:12,900
Well, I'm afraid they won't run
a "Best of the Obituaries."

39
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,703
Which reminds me,
if I don't get all this
research done

40
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,738
for Mr. Walpole,
I am a dead man.

41
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:21,775
Oh, face it, Larry, when they
say jump, you ask, "How high?"

42
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,777
Yeah, well, the next person
who asks me for something

43
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,714
is gonna get an earful
from Larry Appleton.

44
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:27,915
Appleton?

45
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,783
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

46
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,852
I need a thousand-word
background story

47
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,822
on the Burgess murder trial.

48
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:38,226
But it might take a while.

49
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,693
and I have to interview
Alderman Bennett.

50
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,095
Appleton, if you'd learn
to budget your time

51
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,497
you'd be able
to get through all this.

52
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,165
Now, get on it!
Yes, sir.

53
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,301
Thanks for the tip, sir!

54
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,904
Guess you told him.

55
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,245
because what
I'm gonna tell you

56
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,647
is gonna knock
your socks off!

57
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,783
I was just put in charge
of the Chronicle newsletter!

58
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:03,984
That's nice.

59
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,119
Balki, congratulations!

60
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,588
Thank you, Ms. Lydia.

61
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:10,057
I love reading
the "Chronicle Chatter."

62
00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,059
It is so fascinating
reading about people

63
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,729
I see every day
but would never
socialize with.

64
00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:19,967
Cousin, cousin,
isn't that great news?

65
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,703
Don't it make you
just want to sing and shout

66
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,239
and throw your body
to the floor!

67
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,308
Uh-huh.
Come on, cousin!

68
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,409
Celebrate!

69
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:31,512
* Dance to the music *

70
00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,014
How about it?
Yeah, that's wonderful.

71
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:37,618
Cousin, I am
very excited about this,

72
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,254
and I would like you
to share that excitement,

73
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,256
and I would like that now.

74
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,494
I'm sorry, Balki.

75
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,296
That's, that's great news!

76
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,264
And a great opportunity for you!

77
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,700
If you do a good job,
you could become
a real reporter

78
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,468
and get out
of this basement.

79
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,304
Well, cousin,
you're a real reporter

80
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,406
and you're
still in this basement.

81
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:04,945
So, unfortunately, the answer
to your next question is no.

82
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,348
Wow!

83
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:13,954
I don't even know what my next
question is going to be...

84
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:18,626
And you already
know the answer.

85
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,863
Do you have ESPN?

86
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,434
No.

87
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,402
HBO?

88
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:31,739
No.

89
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,574
PMS?

90
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,745
No. No, no, no.

91
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:41,649
Balki, the point I am trying
to make as quickly as possible

92
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,451
is that I know you would like
the advice of someone

93
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,486
who has had a lot
of experience in journalism.

94
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,955
Oh, cousin, I would! I would!

95
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,625
Could you introduce me
to someone like that?

96
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,195
No, I mean, I'm the one
who could help you.

97
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,397
Thank you, cousin!

98
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,898
But I'm just too busy.

99
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:01,335
Well, throw acid rain
on my parade.

100
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,872
(COMIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

101
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,508
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

102
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,945
Okay, Dimitri.

103
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:16,049
This part of the newsletter
is finished.

104
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,652
Couldn't have done it
without your help.

105
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:21,889
Now, would you like to give
it your stamp of approval?

106
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,596
(SQUEAKING)

107
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,666
Take five, babe.

108
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:39,239
Hi, Balki.
Cousin!

109
00:05:39,306 --> 00:05:41,642
I finished all my articles
for the Chronicle newsletter.

110
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:45,913
Well, that's terrific!

111
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,949
* Di di di di
di-di di-di

112
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,418
* Hey hey hey hey

113
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:51,952
* Hey hey hey *

114
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:56,890
Well...

115
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,860
Let's see
what you got here.

116
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,129
Cousin, I, I think
you're really gonna like this.

117
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:06,366
I, I feel I've developed
my own unique style.

118
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,235
Some may liken it
to Hemmingway

119
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,971
while others cite Kafka,
but you decide.

120
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,176
"The Chronicle's favorite
advice-columnist

121
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:19,513
"Ms. Lydia Markham, looks well
rested after her vacation

122
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,549
"in the Bahamas."

123
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,884
Is that it?

124
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,053
Pretty good, huh?

125
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:31,358
"Mr. Gorpley has been looking
pretty snazzy all week,

126
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,761
"setting a good example
for the rest of us."

127
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:37,097
Oh, I, I editorialized a little
towards the end of that one.

128
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,299
I, I don't know, I thought
it needed a little color,

129
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:41,268
a little something,
a little snap.

130
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,170
Balki.
What?

131
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,305
This is all fluff.

132
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,541
Oh, thank you, cousin.

133
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,679
But you don't know,
you lose perspective

134
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:52,813
on a project like this.

135
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:58,619
You know, it's all this--

136
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:01,021
You know, who cares
if Lydia looks well-rested

137
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,090
or what Gorpley is wearing?

138
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:06,159
Balki, I'm afraid
this just isn't good enough.

139
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:09,162
But I, I write it
just like they told me to.

140
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:12,032
If they told you to jump
would you ask, "How high?"

141
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,704
Well, of course not,
don't be ridiculous.

142
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,543
and hope it was good enough.

143
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:27,180
"Good enough"
doesn't sound like you.

144
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,950
Who does it sound like?

145
00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,886
The Balki I know
wouldn't settle for good enough.

146
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,889
The Balki I know
would want to do his best.

147
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,692
The Balki I know would wanna
make this the best newsletter

148
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,393
in the history of newsletters!

149
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,963
I want to be
like the Balki you know!

150
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,767
You are the Balki I know.

151
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,101
Now, Balki,
if you wanna make this,

152
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,103
this newsletter
something worth reading

153
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:53,406
then you've got to tell
the story behind the story.

154
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,878
You've got to dig deeper.

155
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,848
You've got to tell them why
he is suddenly so well-dressed.

156
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,482
Cousin, I want do that.

157
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,284
Good.
How I do that?

158
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,819
I'm going to tell you
how to do that.

159
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,622
I can't wait.
Okay.

160
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,024
Now, to be a good reporter
you've got to know

161
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,860
how to use who, what,
when, where and why.

162
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,495
The five W's of journalism.

163
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:17,497
What?
That's one.

164
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:21,168
What one?
Exactly.

165
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,471
Exactly what?
Good.

166
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:26,439
And who is another.

167
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,275
I don't know,
who is another?

168
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,911
Right. And don't forget where.

169
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,648
Where, what?
That's two.

170
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:39,119
What's two?
No, what's one.

171
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:41,722
Who is another,
and you know where.

172
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,025
I don't know where.

173
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,227
Sure you do.

174
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,829
What's giving you trouble?

175
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,131
I don't know
what's giving me trouble.

176
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,071
No, who you've got.

177
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:00,507
Who I've got?
And you know where.

178
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,010
Where?
Exactly.

179
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,679
Exactly, what?
Perfect!

180
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:07,848
Just a couple more
and we'll be done soon.

181
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:11,318
When?

182
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,453
Oo-oo-ooh, wow!

183
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,723
No, no. Why?

184
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,558
I don't know why.

185
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:20,828
Well, you knew all the others.

186
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,596
When?
And where?

187
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,832
Where, what?
And why.

188
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,166
I don't know why!

189
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,802
All I know
is I was sitting here gluing,

190
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,738
you came in,
we did the dance
of joy,

191
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,073
you make some false promise
about another Balki,

192
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,676
and now I'm totally confused
and emotionally drained.

193
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:37,110
Okay, calm down.

194
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:39,346
Calm down.

195
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,784
Are you all right?

196
00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:48,188
Yes, I'm, I'm...

197
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,490
All right, let's start
over again.

198
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,159
With what?
Yes.

199
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:57,698
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

200
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:05,272
GORPLEY:
Bartokomous!

201
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,408
It's almost noon, I'm going
to lunch, I'll be back at 4:00.

202
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,843
Uh, Mr. Gorpley, Mr. Gorpley.

203
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,945
Would you please
tell me how come

204
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,814
you're so dressed up
this week?

205
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,582
That's for me to know
and you to find out.

206
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,550
Oh, I love guessing games

207
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,953
as much as the next guy,
you big kidder.

208
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:25,125
But, but I'm working
against a deadline.

209
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,327
And I'm working
with an idiot.

210
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,401
Mr. Gorpley
hires new employee.

211
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,705
Check it out.

212
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,540
How's it going, Balki?

213
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,075
Well, cousin,
I've got some leads,

214
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,477
but, but every time
I try to dig deeper,

215
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:47,114
I wind up shoveling alone.

216
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,917
Well, if reporting were easy,
everybody would be doing it.

217
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:50,784
Hmm.

218
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:54,187
If you wanna be
a good reporter,

219
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,757
I put on a clean pair
this morning.

220
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,161
No, I mean,
you're gonna have to find

221
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:03,530
new ways of
getting your information.

222
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,366
If someone won't talk to you,
talk to their friends,

223
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,836
talk to their wives,
talk to their ex-wives.

224
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,303
Well, what if
they're not married

225
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,239
and they don't have
any friends?

226
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:14,141
Well, then you have
to hang out in places

227
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,009
where you think
you can pick up information.

228
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,812
Uh, water cooler,
the lobby, the snack bar.

229
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,548
Who knows?
You might have to go incognito.

230
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,350
Oh, I don't know, cousin.

231
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,186
I don't care much
for Mexican food.

232
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:33,126
It always gives me
Monty Hall's revenge.

233
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:45,305
No, I mean, you might
have to wear a disguise.

234
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,207
But, but, cousin,
that sounds

235
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,409
an awful lot
like snooping.

236
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,611
It's not snooping
if you're writing it down.

237
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:54,147
Then, it's journalism.

238
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,284
Oh!

239
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,187
Well, I've got to get this up
to Mr. Wainwright's office.

240
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,654
Good luck
with your newsletter.

241
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,556
Thanks.
Can I, can I
push the button?

242
00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:05,325
All right,
you push the button.

243
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,400
Bye-bye.

244
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,738
No. No, not bye-bye.

245
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:22,409
Quotes. Quotes.
Always get exact quotes.

246
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:25,012
Oh, right. Right,
right, right.
Quotes. Quotes.

247
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,550
Wainwright's still running you
around like a madman, Larry?

248
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,319
Lydia, would you believe
this is the third time

249
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,187
he's had me rewrite
this murder story?

250
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,323
He said I mentioned murder
too many times.

251
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,993
If you ask me, Mr. Wainwright
is not playing with a full deck.

252
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:47,968
"Mr. Wainwright is not playing
with a full deck."

253
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,840
What a great...

254
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:56,043
(COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYS)

255
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,091
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

256
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,393
Get your copy
of the "Chronicle Chatter"

257
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,595
under new management.

258
00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,564
Here you go, cousin.
Ah.

259
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,499
Thank you, Balki.

260
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:23,603
It's, it's, it's hot
off the presses.

261
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,105
I'll get to it later.

262
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,041
Read it before
they wrap fish in it.

263
00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:31,979
I guess you want me
to read this now.

264
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,881
Only if you have time.

265
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,416
I'll make the time.

266
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:42,422
but I've been so busy.

267
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,524
We both had papers
to put out.

268
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:49,129
(LAUGHING)

269
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:51,431
This is the best thing
I have seen in years.

270
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,567
Thank you, Mr. Gorpley.

271
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:59,172
Well, I'm overcome!

272
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:03,043
Well, whoever wrote the story
about Lydia did a great job.

273
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:06,079
Well, you're lookin'
right through him.

274
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,185
but you found out
she really went to Milwaukee

275
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,786
to have an eyelid tuck.

276
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:16,156
(LAUGHING)

277
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:18,325
Nice going, Bartokomous!

278
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,296
Excuse me?

279
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,199
Oh, hmm.

280
00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:29,869
I thought maybe later on I could
give it a political angle.

281
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:33,173
"If you're wondering who had
what done where the answer is

282
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,308
"Ms. Lydia, the paper's
favorite advice columnist

283
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,911
"went to Milwaukee
to get her eyelids tucked.

284
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,446
"When? Over the weekend.

285
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,714
"So if you get a chance,
compliment her

286
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,984
"on her new peeper-covers."

287
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:46,086
(CHUCKLES)

288
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,554
How many of these
have you given out?

289
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,090
One to every employee
in the building,

290
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,026
and I left a
complimentary pile
in the lobby.

291
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,664
Okay, get your coat!
We're getting out of here.

292
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:58,865
What?
Come on!

293
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,200
Huh?

294
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:06,506
I want some answers
and I want them now!

295
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,509
Lydia, I'm sure everything
can be explained.

296
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,344
I have been humiliated!

297
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:15,315
Held up to ridicule in front
of everyone in the building!

298
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:18,418
Who did this
to you, Ms. Lydia?

299
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,922
They'll have
to answer to me!

300
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,825
Chill out, Lydia. I thought
the article was hilarious.

301
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:26,893
Peeper-covers.

302
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,228
(LAUGHING)

303
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,300
You are pretty cheerful
for a man

304
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,768
who doesn't have
long to live.

305
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,237
What are you
talking about?

306
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:40,240
The article
about you and Maggie.

307
00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,541
The what?

308
00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,944
You mean,
there's another?

309
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:46,980
Oh, didn't you read
the last page?

310
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,049
It's equally hilarious.

311
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:53,353
Thank you very much. I, I do
try to accent the lighter side.

312
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:55,955
"Sam Gorpley,
looking very handsome

313
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,225
"in a pickled herring
bone suit...

314
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,964
"...was seen dining
with who?

315
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:08,201
"Maggie Miner,
wife of sports editor

316
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,604
"and bodybuilder
Matt Miner, that's who.

317
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:15,408
"Apparently Maggie has a sore
knee, because Mr. Gorpley

318
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,511
"was nice enough
to rub it all during lunch."

319
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,552
I'm a dead man.

320
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,523
But I'm taking
somebody with me.

321
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,661
Oh! Okay, okay, uh, Balki.

322
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,063
(LAUGHING)
They fell for it!

323
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,531
Let's let them in
on our little joke.

324
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:42,369
There are only two
copies of the newsletter
and you got them.

325
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,536
(LAUGHING)

326
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,207
They're all
over the building.

327
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:50,610
Balki, I cannot believe that
you would write stuff like this.

328
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,280
You know,
I can hardly
believe it myself.

329
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:59,719
I was afraid my writing
would be flat
and pedestrian but...

330
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,022
I just followed exactly

331
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:05,525
what Cousin Larry
told me to do and...

332
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,697
You can see the results.

333
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,499
But I, I didn't
help that much.

334
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,567
Oh, come on, cousin,
you're being modest.

335
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:18,037
No, no! Listen,
the, the truth must be told.

336
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,772
Oh, I don't know.

337
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,042
You see,
I was just going to write

338
00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:25,078
that Ms. Lydia
went to the Bahamas,

339
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,513
but Cousin Larry
kept saying, "No,

340
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,481
"you got to dig
a little deeper."

341
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,383
BALKI:
"You got to dig
a little deeper."

342
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,820
No, no!
I didn't, I didn't.

343
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,088
Appleton!

344
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,757
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright!

345
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,093
Yes, sir. Yes, what
can I do for you, sir?

346
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,195
Research? Filing?
Out-of-town assignment?

347
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:45,232
Explain this article
in the "Chronicle Chatter."

348
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,500
Oh, no, another one?

349
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,702
"If you're wondering
what Mr. Wainwright might like

350
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,404
"in his Christmas stocking,
might I suggest

351
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:54,407
"a pack of playing cards.

352
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,443
"Because, according
to Cousin Larry Appleton,

353
00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,212
"Mr. Wainwright isn't playing
with a full deck."

354
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,855
Uh, uh, uh...a full deck,
isn't that a nautical term?

355
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:14,361
Mr. Wainwright, one less thing
to ask Santa for, huh?

356
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,333
I, I would never say anything
like that about you, sir.

357
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,634
I, I must have been misquoted.

358
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,303
No, cousin,
I was standing right...

359
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,172
No, no, no,
you taught me!

360
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,340
I was standing
right there and I caught

361
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,210
the exact quote
as it flew out of your mouth.

362
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:32,579
It was, it was
taken out of context!

363
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,415
(STAMMERING)
It was, it had to be...
Have you lost weight?

364
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:39,085
Because that's a very nice suit.
It matches your head.

365
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,520
Your hair.
The hair on your head.

366
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:43,022
Appleton...
Yes, sir?

367
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:46,693
Appleton,
when you're
coherent, call me.

368
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,628
You bet I will, sir.

369
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:54,934
Mr. Wainwright
and Mr. Gorpley
in fashion war.

370
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,536
Check it out!

371
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,042
I'm Matt Miner.

372
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,345
And I'm looking for Sam Gorpley.

373
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,880
LYDIA AND GORPLEY:
That's him!

374
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,217
Oh.

375
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:17,357
(SERENE INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

376
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,193
LARRY:
Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

377
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:23,162
Totally. Totally,
totally uncalled for.

378
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:24,964
Yes... Yes, but...

379
00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:29,369
I really meant that about
the weight loss, though.

380
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:31,338
Hello? Hello? Hello?

381
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,308
Balki, good news.

382
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,076
I'm off the hook
with Wainwright.

383
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,346
He was very gracious.

384
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,871
Balki, how long
do you plan on wearing

385
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:08,541
the Myposian Mantle
of a Thousand Itches?

386
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:15,047
Well, Myposian law
states I must wear it

387
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:20,287
one year for every person I
offended and let me see...

388
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:27,760
I think we're looking
at a seven-year itch.

389
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:37,770
Balki, I really think you're
carrying this a little too far.

390
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,272
No, no, cousin.

391
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,508
If I was carrying this
too far...

392
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:45,278
I'd be wearing the
Boxer Shorts of Eternal Chafing.

393
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:53,152
Balki, in America,
when you offend someone,

394
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,122
a verbal apology
is sufficient.

395
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,925
Unless you offend a large
segment of the population,

396
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,794
uh, then you get
a Presidential pardon.

397
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:08,601
You mean, if I, if I write
everyone I offended

398
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:12,572
a verbal apology,
I'll be okay?

399
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,240
In a manner of speaking.

400
00:21:14,307 --> 00:21:16,843
Well, then I think
I'll do that.

401
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:19,679
Okay, well,
let's, let's take this off.

402
00:21:19,746 --> 00:21:20,813
Ah!

403
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:25,352
(GRUNTS)

404
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:28,788
(SIGHS)

405
00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:32,359
Wool.

406
00:21:33,826 --> 00:21:36,896
After I deliver
all my apologies...

407
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:39,599
I'll, I'll resign
from the newsletter.

408
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,701
Balki, you don't have
to do that.

409
00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:44,637
You did a good job.
I did?

410
00:21:44,704 --> 00:21:47,006
Yeah, the first newsletter
you wrote was pretty good.

411
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:50,242
All it needed
was a little fine tuning.

412
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,978
And I'm sure
you'll do a terrific job

413
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:54,280
if I stay out of your way.

414
00:21:54,347 --> 00:21:56,816
Cousin, would you
do that for me?

415
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,388
You bet I would.

416
00:22:01,454 --> 00:22:03,155
Thank you, cousin.

417
00:22:03,222 --> 00:22:05,692
I just have one question.

418
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,994
How did you find out about
Gorpley's lunch date

419
00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:09,228
with Maggie Miner?

420
00:22:09,295 --> 00:22:11,898
Oh, I, I followed
your suggestion

421
00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:14,401
and I went undercover.

422
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:17,737
(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Hi, my name's Bart,
I'll be your waiter today.

423
00:22:17,804 --> 00:22:18,938
Uh...

424
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,175
Let me just, uh, put
your drink order in real quick

425
00:22:23,242 --> 00:22:24,877
and then I'll be back
to explain our specials

426
00:22:24,944 --> 00:22:27,079
and get you started
on our salad bar.