Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothings gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Balki, that was a wonderful Myposian dinner.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Don't spoil it for me by telling me what it was.

Okay, cousin.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll get it.

Hi! Hey, guys.

(GASPS) I love the Big Brothers!

First time I ever saw them on Saturday Night Live,

I said to myself, "Those guys are good."

No, no, Balki, that's the Blues Brothers.

Blues Brothers.

The Big Brothers is a charitable organization.

Men who belong to it act as big brothers to boys who need fathers.

Oh!

We're roller-skating in a ten-hour marathon

to help raise money for them.

A marathon? I love marathons.

Will you get to meet Jerry Lewis?

No, Balki. Marathon. Marathon.

Not a telethon.

Oh!

Anyway, uh, we thought

you guys might like to sponsor us.

You know, pledge money for every hour we skate.

Well, Balki and I will be happy to sponsor you. Great.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I'll get that.

How much do you want?

How much you got?

Hi. Hi.

Hi, Jennifer, Mary Anne.

Hi, Grant. Hey.

Uh, Larry, Balki...

This is Grant Larkin.

How you do you? Okay.

Grant's a flight attendant on our crew.

Oh, I just came by to drop off my pledge sheets

for the skate-a-thon. Oh! Thanks, Grant.

Grant is a terrific fundraiser.

Last year, this wonderful guy

raised $1,000 for Big Brothers. (BALKI GASPS)

You're kidding me! He's just amazing.

You should have seen him. For those little, tiny...

He's incredible. That's wonderful!

It was nothing. Oh!

Oh, you're being modest.

It was more than anyone else raised.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh! Oh, a... A skate-a-thon!

A roller-skating marathon!

Y...you know, instead of, uh, pledging money

I should be skating myself.

Do you roller-skate? Do I roller-skate?

The kids used to call me Wheels Appleton.

Kids can be so cruel.

No. No, no, they called me that because I was a terrific skater.

Larry, I never knew that.

Here, here's a pledge sheet.

That's great. We need all the help we can get.

Well, I gotta go. I'll see you guys on Saturday.

See you. Great.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Balki, why don't you skate, too?

Well, maybe Wheels can teach you.

Would you, Wheels?

Why not?

BALKI: I'm so excited.

Learning how to skate at the feet of Wheels Appleton.

Tell me, Wheels...

how long will it take me to learn how to skate?

I don't know.

Ha! How long did it take you to learn how to skate?

I don't know.

I never had a pair of skates on before in my life.

(STAMMERS) I hate to dig up a can of worms

but...don't that mean you lied to Jennifer

about being able to skate?

Well, what was I supposed to do?

Let Grant raise all that money for charity

and...and be a big hero for Jennifer?

Well, cousin, you can't keep her by lying.

Lord knows you've tried.

And every time you do,

you wind up with a pocketful of babastiki.

It's time to talk about reality.

It's time to talk about the hard facts.

It's time to talk about the wrath of the Gabuggis.

"The Gabuggis?"

The Gabuggis.

The Myposian fib furies.

Eva, Magda and Zsa Zsa.

They are the daughters of Vertash,

God of Truth,

and his lovely wife Succotash.

Each of the Gabuggis

has one penetrating eye

right in the middle of her nose bridge

that sees everything.

And they punish those who dishonor truth

by telling lies.

Fascinating.

Balki, I'm sure I'll be safe

from the wrath of these Gabuggis

because I am doing a good thing.

I am helping children.

And even Eva, Magda, and Zsa Zsa

won't mind if I tell a teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy

little white lie.

Pop!

To help children? But, cousin, it's...

Children.

Helping little children.

Cousin, you know, I... I...

I know there's an error in logic here somewhere

(STAMMERS) but I can't put my finger on it.

Well, while you're trying to figure out

where to put your finger,

Well, how we do that? How?

I figure the quickest way to learn

is to keep these skates on

and never take them off.

Come on. Let's give it a try.

It'll be easy.

There. See? What did I tell you?

Well, we're not moving yet.

If the sport was roller-standing we'd get a ten.

All right.

Now we wanna start moving, okay?

Okay. Here we go.

Huh?

See? Yes.

See? Yes.

(GASPING)

Whoa...

See? Huh?

We are doing great!

(TAPPING SKATES)

We're still just roller-walking.

All we need is a little speed.

(GASPS)

There, you see?

(TAPPING SKATES)

Learning to roller-skate

is just like learning to ride a bicycle.

All we need is speed.

Now, you give me a push.

(THUDDING)

(LARRY SCREAMING)

(CLATTERING)

(LARRY SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

LARRY: I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Larry's good.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello?

Hello? Hello?

(LARRY CLEARS THROAT)

There's your mail, by the way.

Oh, cousin, skating is so simple.

And so grand.

So free.

So fluid.

So...

Swan-like.

So light, so airy.

So cholesterol-free.

I told you it was easy to learn.

You're both on roller skates.

Did I miss a memo?

No, Mr. Gorpley. We're...we're practicing.

We're raising money for charity.

Charity begins at home. Practice there.

It's for a good cause, Gorpley.

We're in a skate-a-thon.

We're... We're raising money for the Big Brothers.

You?

I hope they don't need much.

Well, for your information,

I have collected the most pledges.

Of course, you did.

Nobody thinks you'll finish.

Oh, yeah? (LAUGHING)

...and to raise more money than anyone else.

Now, cousin, that's not going to happen.

Why?

Because you're not lying to help children.

You're lying to impress Jennifer.

And until you tell the truth...

Eva, Magda and Zsa Zsa...

...will continue to be a thorn in your sideburns.

Balki, I am going to impress Jennifer.

And if the Gabuggis think they can stop me

let them try.

LARRY: Come on, ladies!

Take your best shot.

I thought not.

Cousin, you're lucky.

That was Magda. She's the nicest one.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

So, this is Skateland.

Not a professional rink, but I guess it'll have to do.

The important thing is raising money for Big Brothers.

Larry, how did you manage to get $1,200 in pledges?

Even Grant couldn't do that.

I guess some of us have it and some of us don't.

(IMITATES LARRY) And some of us can't get rid of it.

Jennifer, let's go put on our skates.

Hi, Grant.

Hi, Wheels. I'll catch you later.

Cousin...

this is your last chance to tell Jennifer the truth.

The air is thick with Gabuggis.

Oh. Another Gabuggi update.

You know, Balki, I'm beginning to understand

why on Mypos a sheep can run for public office.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The skate-a-thon is underway!

Good luck, everybody!

Three hours to go! Hang in there, skaters!

We're in the home stretch!

Twenty seconds to go!

You can do it, Larry!

Go, Balki! Go, Larry!

Go, Balki!

Oh, okay. Go, Larry!

Are we moving?

Are we moving?

CROWD: Come on! Come on!

Three...

Two...

One!

(BUZZER BUZZING)

I did it. I did it!

I raised more money than Grant.

Larry, you were wonderful.

Oh, Balki, did you hear that?

Jennifer thinks I'm wonderful.

You were wonderful too, Balki.

And my heart is pure.

I'm so proud of you, Larry.

Well, it doesn't matter who raised the most money.

I never thought of this as a competition.

I just welcome the opportunity

to unselfishly devote my time and skating ability

to those in need.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Cunningham Hardware has offered to donate $500 to the Big Brothers

in the name of the person who can jump the most barrels.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Well, their money is safe.

I do.

You do? Sure.

I'll give it a shot.

This is exciting.

Jennifer, let's go over there

No. This can't be happening.

The skate-a-thon is over.

Come on, Grant! You can do it! Go, Grant!

JENNIFER: Come on! MARY ANNE: You can do it!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CHEERING)

(APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Face it, cousin.

All your lying was for nothing.

But it's still not too late

by telling Jennifer the truth.

(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.

Larry. Jennifer.

It is the most beautiful thing I ever saw.

Add another barrel!

Larry, you jump barrels?

(SCOFFS) I'm from Wisconsin, the barrel-jumping state.

I'm gonna get Mary Anne's camera.

Cousin, no, no, no. I can't let you do this.

The Gabuggis, I've had a feeling

have been just waiting to get you over a barrel.

Balki, I can't let Grant beat me.

Now, get out of my way! No, cousin.

I have to save you.

Oh, my Lord!

What? Balki, you were right.

I see them. Who?

The Gabuggis. Where?

Over there!

(GRUNTS)

Go, Larry! Come on, Wheels.

GRANT: Come on, Wheels. MARY ANNE: Larry, you can do it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(LARRY GROANING)

(SIGHS) Larry,

I'm sure you're a good skater

but you were crazy to try to jump that many barrels.

Jennifer, I have a confession to make.

Until four days ago,

and Wisconsin is actually the dairy state.

And, uh, I'm not five foot ten.

Boy, when you come clean

you leave a ring around the tub.

Why did you lie to me, Larry?

I was just jealous of Grant.

Jealous of Grant?

Grant is a happily married man.

Well, you never mentioned he was married.

Well, I didn't think it was important.

I guess I made a fool out of myself, Jennifer.

Well, you...you didn't,

except for maybe the barrel-jumping thing, but...

(SIGHS)

...at least you raised a lot of money

for the Big Brothers.

Thanks for that.

Balki, I had a wonderful time.

Maybe tomorrow you can come up

and we can play roller derby.

I'm counting the moments, my little lamb-shank.

Well, bye, Larry.

We'll see you guys, tomorrow.

And then we can relive the whole thing.

Oh, good.

(GRUNTS)

Ah!

I never should have lied, Balki. That is correct.

You were right. That is correct.

When I lie, something bad happens.

The Gabuggis make sure of that.

Are they still here? No.

They're probably on their way back to Washington.