Original subtitles

[DAVID POMERANZ SINGING "NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW"]

♪ Sometimes the world Looks perfect

♪ Nothing to rearrange

♪ Sometimes you just

♪ Get a feeling like you need Some kind of change

♪ No matter what The odds are this time

♪ Nothing's gonna Stand in my way

♪ This flame in my heart

♪ Like a long-lost friend

♪ Gives every dark street A light at the end

♪ Standing tall

♪ On the wings of my dream

♪ Rise and fall

♪ On the wings of my dream

♪ Through the rain and thunder

♪ The wind and haze

♪ I'm bound for better days

♪ It's my life and my dream

♪ And nothing's gonna Stop me now ♪

Appleton.

LARRY: Yes, sir, Mr. Wainright.

They did? Well, uh, yes sir!

I'm your man. What is it?

No, they want you to go on a game show called Risk it All.

Interesting. Uh, well, what is it, Payola?

Show's fixed? What's the angle?

It's a piece for the Sunday supplement.

Well, yes, sir, I... I'll stay late tonight

and research the history of game shows,

you know, I think they started on radio.

Appleton, you go on the show,

you write 2,000 words about what it's like to be a contestant.

It's a game show, it's not Watergate.

Now, you better get going, you gotta be there in 30 minutes.

Well, that's awfully short notice, sir.

This is journalism, Appleton.

We do things on short notice.

Y... Yes, sir.

Hi, cousin. Balki. Balki.

Look, I... I need you to be my partner

on some stupid game show called Risk it All.

That's my favorite game show!

I'm going to call all our friends

and tell them to meet us there.

No, I'd... I'd rather you didn't.

and his lovely co-hostess Kelly Langston.

Tell me about it in the car. I read her book.

Kelly talks to teens about hygiene.

There's a great chapter on skin care.

"How to be a hit, in spite of your zit."

Come on, time is running out. Oh, she's gonna reload.

Let's see if she can knock it off before times run out!

Five!

ALL: Four, three.

Two, one.

No, they didn't make it in time.

Oh, you did so well

but you lose everything.

ALL: Aw!

Well, thanks, for joining us.

So long, ladies from Risk it All.

Come on.

Try harder. It's your fault, always.

Balki, you didn't tell me about the stunts.

Cousin, everybody knows about the stunts.

Why you think they put us in jumpsuits?

As a fashion statement?

This is awful.

Kelly, let's introduce our next two contestants.

Bink, they're two cousins from right here in Chicago.

Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous.

Let's welcome them to...

ALL: Risk it All.

Oh, cousin, it's the Wheel of Schmutz!

It is the Wheel of Schmutz!

Oh, cousin, sit on it!

Oh, Dueling Buckets!

Dueling Buckets, I want to live here!

Kelly! Kelly, it's you.

Oh, you're my favorite game show hostess.

I'm so happy to see you.

And listen, I don't believe that story about you posing

for those photographs before you became a big star.

Well, looks like we've got a live one, huh, Kelly?

Bink! Bink, let me look at you.

Let me look at you.

I can tell you've never been on television before have you, Balki?

Tell you what, you...

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, everybody. Mary Anne.

Come here, come here. Come here.

Why don't you do me a favor here, Balki?

You just stand right here

and let me start the game, okay?

Balki, you're embarrassing me.

All right, it's time to play...

ALL: Risk it All!

Now, here's how we play our money round.

Kelly, will describe a stunt to you

and then I'll ask you a question.

You can either do the stunt or answer the question.

You got it? Got it.

Uh, Bink, did you say we could either perform the stunts

or answer the question?

That's right. Well, yeah.

But, cousin, nobody answers the question.

I mean, that you can't have fun that way, can you, Bink?

Well, you could have fun

if you try this stunt.

It's the Wheel of Schmutz. Kelly?

Oh, I love the Wheel of Schmutz.

Cousin, this one, these buckets come around

with this disgusting stuff and you reach inside

to pick out the necklace...

Balki, Balki, it's Kelly's job

to describe the stunts, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

Okay.

Kelly?

I think I understand the stunt.

You do something and you get messy.

The question is...

Which famous artist cut off his ear?

What are you doing? I'm gonna answer the question.

No, no, cou... Uh, just, uh...

Bink, just, just let me have just one moment.

I think, Cousin Larry's missing all the fun here.

Guys, it's only a 30-minute show.

Could we move it along, please?

Bink, uh, just, just one minute.

Now we're just gonna answer the questions,

get some cash and go home.

No stunts!

That way I get my story and avoid humiliation.

I'm going to press that stunt button

before you ever think of getting

near that question button.

Oh, really? Oh, really.

You think so? Yes, I do.

Bink, the artist who cut off his ear

is Vincent van Gogh.

That's right! You've just won $25.

Now, get ready, guys,

because our next stunt is...

Sit On It! Kelly!

Balki and Larry, all you have to do

is break four little balloons by sitting on them.

The balloons are filled with...

Whipped cream!

I knew it, I knew it.

They're always filled with something!

You may not wanna do the stunt,

you may want to answer this question.

In the Peanutscartoon

who is always calling Charlie Brown 'blockhead'?

Lucy Van Pelt!

That's absolutely right!

You've won $50!

Cousin...

I've tried reasoning with you.

It failed.

I want to do the stunts!

So from here on out, it's war!

I'm throwing down the cutlet!

For $500, what will it be?

The stunt? Or the question?

Bink, the first man to sail around the world

was Ferdinand Magellan.

That's absolutely right!

BINK: You've just won $500.

Well, Larry and Balki,

you're the first two contestants

ever to make it to the final question

Well, we're going to do the next stunt.

Yeah? Well, this is one stunt that you may like.

Let's take a look.

Kelly.

and send it flying across the stage

where the other one catches it...

In a bucket of barbecue sauce.

I love Flying Chickens.

And I'm going to do...

Flying Chickens.

The button doesn't count until Bink reads the question.

Now, for $1,000.

Who was known as the King of Swing?

Oh, look! Kelly fainted! Kelly!

Ah! He chose the question!

Bink, the King of Swing...

Is Benny Goodman.

That's absolutely right!

For $1,000!

And we'll be right back to find out

if our two contestants want to keep their money

and go home or if they want to risk it all

in the prize round.

And we're out.

I wanna see whoever booked these two people

on my show in my dressing room, now!

Balki, did you hear that?

No, no. No, the part where Bink said that we could quit.

Quit? Sure.

I've got everything I need for my story.

Cousin, quit?

We may as well be on "Jeopardy!"

We don't have any schmutz on our jumpsuits!

Cousin, I want to do stunts and win big prizes.

Ah, there it is.

There what is? Big prizes.

That's how they suck you in.

Balki, they depend upon the most basic of all human failings.

Bad posture?

Greed. Greed.

They show you something every poor,

gullible slob wants,

like a... Like a big screen TV...

A big screen TV! Cousin, let's risk it all!

Please, please, please! Balki!

It's happening already. What's happening?

It's the greed monster.

Where? Inside you.

Inside me?

Like Alien? Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes.

It starts deep inside you.

And then... And then Bink feeds it by...

By letting you win enough until-til the greed takes over.

No. No. And... And you lose control.

And then Kelly feeds it even more by showing you

bigger and bigger prizes.

until finally...

It's all right, it's all right.

Cousin, why would Bink and Kelly

do something like that to me?

Well, they can't help themselves.

They're part of the system.

I'm not a greedy person. Oh, no.

No. No?

No. No. No!

It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

Balki, it's not too late.

I'll save you.

Thank you, cousin.

Hey, I know you'd do the same for me.

Now, when Bink comes back out here

he's going to tempt you with some fantastic prizes.

But you have be strong. You have to resist.

Remember, just say no.

Got it. I'll be strong, cousin.

Well, we're back.

Well, the big question is now,

will Larry and Balki keep their $1,000,

or are they going to...

ALL: Risk It All!

Now, follow me, fellas, and I'll show you

what you could be playing for.

Remember, be strong.

Just say no.

Just say no.

It's a brand new sports car!

Kelly, tell them about it. My pleasure, Bink.

It comes equipped with all the luxuries

including air conditioning, CD player

and cellular car phone.

Yes, Balki and Larry,

you could drive this dream car home

if you're willing to

risk it all.

BINK: Well, guys, what's it gonna be?

Are you gonna risk it all

for that beautiful new car?

What do you think, audience?

What should they do?

ALL: Risk it all!

We're going to be strong and just...

Risk it all!

Kelly, they're going for the car!

Talk about style.

Yeah, that's some car.

Well, the car's nice, but I was talking about Bink.

Isn't this great?

I don't look good in red.

Now, are you guys ready to risk it all

for that beautiful new car?

Give me the question and give me the car!

But, cousin, we could lose all of our money.

All right, now, you may not wanna answer the question this time.

You may wanna try this very...

Easy stunt. Kelly.

It's a little thing we call Dueling Buckets.

Now, one of you take a beanbag and throw it at the...

The question! The question!

All right. All right.

Here's your question.

Whose picture was on the $10,000 bill?

Salmon P. Chase.

That's absolutely right!

Oh, boy. Oh, gosh.

I'm so relieved. Thank you, Bink.

Come on, cousin, let's take the car and get outta here.

Wait. Don't go yet.

It's time for the bonus round!

It's the bonus round!

Cousin, cousin... No, uh...

Cousin, be... Be careful. We could lose everything.

What's the bonus prize?

The bonus prize?

It's a cruise around the world.

BINK: Oh, God. That's right.

You'll be cruising in style

because, we're going to throw in

$25,000 in cash.

Now, what should they do, audience?

ALL: Risk it all!

We'll risk it all!

No, we won't! Yes, we will!

No, we won't! Yes, we will!

No, we won't!

We'll risk it all!

They're gonna risk it all!

Bink...

I know you can't help yourself,

Now, in order for you to keep the car

and win the trip and the cash,

you're gonna have to either answer the question

or do all the stunts

you didn't do on your way to the bonus round

Plus, one more.

Kelly. That's right, Bink.

It's Bobbing For Bananas!

Now, for your trip around the world

What land did the Roman Emperor

Claudius annex in 43 A.D.?

Oh, my Lord.

Balki, I don't know the answer.

We're gonna have to do the stunt.

They're gonna do the stunt!

Cousin, why did you do that?

The answer is Great Britain.

Good answer! And a right answer.

Yes! Yes! But a late answer.

You chose the stunt.

What do you mean, a late answer?

I want that trip.

Remember, if you don't complete all the stunts

before the buzzer sounds

you'll lose the car, the trip,

the cash, everything.

But, to make sure that you go from one stunt

to the next in style you'll be riding

the Risk It All commode cab.

Kelly.

That's right, Bink.

It's an American Imperial Whisper Flush

with a patent cushion seat

compliments of Cunningham Hardware,

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Ready?

Set!

Go!

where they have to sit on the balloons

filled with whipped cream.

They have to break them all.

There's three. There's four. All right.

You can get back onto the commode.

Balki! Balki! Come on.

Back onto the commode cab.

The next stunt is going to be...

Dueling The Buckets.

Dueling Buckets.

We're here.

Okay, all you have to do

is throw the beanbags

into the targets and knock those buckets

down on Balki's head.

And good luck.

It's a nice job.

All right, now, back to the commode.

Get away on it. On the commode cab.

And... And the next stunt will be...

The Wheel Of Schmutz.

Get over there to the Wheel Of Schmutz.

Now, on the Wheel Of Schmutz

you have to reach into the buckets of schmutz

and grab four necklaces

and put them around your neck.

I see three.

We need one more.

There you go. You got four.

Back on to the commode cab.

Come on, fellas.

You don't wanna waste time here.

Get on the commode cab.

The next stunt will be...

Flying Chickens!

Flying Chickens.

You know how that works, guys.

You have to catapult one chicken up in air

and catch it in the bucket of barbecue sauce.

Here comes one. They seems got it.

That's one. You have to get one each.

One each.

You gotta throw that thing. Here it comes.

Oh, this looks good.

ALL: Oh.

Make it land into the bucket of barbecue sauce.

This is good. Oh!

Yes, we've won. No, put that down.

I don't want your bucket of barbecue sauce.

Onto the commode cab.

Time's running out.

One stunt remaining.

One stunt remaining.

And that is the bonus stunt.

Bobbing For Bananas. Kelly.

That's right.

You've got to pull out four bananas

without using your hands.

Four bananas.

Hurry up. Time's running out.

Time is running out.

There's one. There's one banana.

Is there one down there?

Oh. There is two.

Oh.

There's three.

Four.

ALL: Three.

Two.

One.

ALL: Oh!

BINK: Too bad.

You're all out of time.

You lose everything.

Cousin. Cousin.

Uh, time's up.

I can't lose.

I want that trip.

Cousin. Cousin. Cousin!

It's... It's over.

It's over. We lost everything.

BINK: How about it? Weren't they great?

Hey, Balki

So, we didn't win the big prize, the important thing is

I got everything I need for my article.

Hey, I'm a reporter.

I had a job to do and I did it.

I should be proud of myself.

I should feel good.

But, you feel like schmutz.

Cousin...

I coulda had a trip around the world.

I coulda had a sports car.

I'd look good in a sports car.

Yeah, I know, cousin, it's okay.

It's... It's all right. It'll pass.

This, too, will pass.

But, I wanted to win.

Now, look.

We didn't lose everything.

We got to go on television.

We got to stick our heads in chocolate fudge.

You got to ride around on a toilet.

And you see that as a good thing?

It is a good thing.

It's good to let your hair fall out once in a while.

Well, it was kinda fun when those

chickens were flying.

You know, Balki,

if I had just had five more seconds

I think I could have gotten that last banana.

There is one way to find out.

I'll get the bananas. You fill the sink with chocolate fudge.