Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothing to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feelin'

Like you need some kinda change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the my wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

The wind and haze

I'm bound for better days

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now Nothing's gonna stop me now

It's my life and my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Oh, thank you, cousin.

I thought it was gonna suck my brains out.

Balki, you're not gonna believe what I got in the mail today.

Your letter from Publisher's Clearinghouse?

You may already have won?

No, no. But this is almost as good.

Balki, what do I wanna be?

What do I want to do for a living?

Be a photographer.

Yes. And who inspired me to become a photographer?

No.

Roger Morgan.

Who that?

"Who that?" Roger Morgan?

Well, he happens to be the best photographer in the world.

And this is an invitation for Lawrence Appleton and a guest

to the black tie opening night party of his new photo exhibit.

Everybody who's anybody in the photobiz will be there.

Get out of the city!

Because I was one of the winners

of the Chicago Gazette Photo Contest

and Roger Morgan was one of the judges.

Oh, cousin!

That's nice. Now, Balki.

Balki, Balki, it is more than just nice.

It's like me wanting to be a baseball player and meeting Pete Rose.

Or me wanting to be an actor and meeting Laurence Olivier.

Is it like me meeting the great sheepherder Zimdog Zakibatbat?

Yes. Yes!

Then this is an exciting day for you!

Yes. Yes, it is.

And I'm glad I could share it with you.

Oh, cousin, a party! I love a party!

We can, we can play pin the tail on the mule

and we can bob for potatoes

and we can do the Limbo Rock.

I think you misunderstood.

I'm sharing my happiness with you

but I'm sharing the evening with Jennifer.

Jennifer?

Why you ask Jennifer?

Because she's beautiful and I want her.

That's a good point. Very good point.

But I want you to know, if she couldn't go you were next on my list.

Oh! Oh.

Mr. Twinkacetti, can you believe it?

Cousin Larry and Jennifer are going to a black tie party!

Color me excited.

All right, you tell him it was your fault.

It was a simple mistake. "Simple mistake?"

All right, I'm a simple person.

Ladies, ladies, why the stormy weather?

Larry, I can't go to the party tomorrow night.

I'm working. Working?

That's what I thought, but Mary Anne got our destinations mixed up.

We're not going to New York, we're going to New Zealand.

New York, New Zealand. It could happen to anybody.

You're going to New Zealand?

The sheep capital of the world?

How lucky can you get?

See?

We won't be back till after your party.

I'm so sorry, Larry, I feel terrible.

I just hope you can find someone else to go with you.

Well, we better get going. We've got a lot to pack.

We're comin' back through New Delhi.

You didn't tell me anything about New Delhi.

I don't know anything about New Delhi.

Uh, who did you say was next on your list?

Balki!

Cousin, I'm ready to party.

Now tell me...

How do I look?

Roger Morgan dressed like that.

Why not?

Because this is a black tie party not a... Bullfight.

But I'm wearing a black tie.

Balki, black tie means you have to wear a tuxedo.

Well, of course, it does. Don't be ridiculous.

I'll go splash some on. No, Balki.

This...is a tuxedo.

Oh...

I don't have one of that.

Oh, cousin.

It's beautiful.

You shouldn't have bought this for me.

I didn't. I rented it.

You paid somebody money so I could wear his clothes?

Yes.

But I already have clothes.

Ah, but not...like...these.

Yours looks just like mine.

Yes.

But if we dressed exactly alike

how would people tell us apart?

Dental records.

Balki...

Believe me, this is not the kind of party

where you're supposed to have... Fun.

Let me get this straight.

Uh-huh.

Everybody is going to be wearing black suits. Yes.

And nobody's gonna have any fun? Yes.

What the difference is between this party and a funeral?

There's no body.

But I can fix that.

Balki, this party is very important to me.

It is vital that we behave properly.

under his wing and make them what they are today.

What are they today?

Photographers.

That's what you want to be.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Balki, look, so you know what to expect

why don't we pretend that the living room is the gallery, all right?

There are photographs on the walls,

We're looking at a photograph.

Someone comes up and asks...

What kind of drink would you like?

Cola, please.

You have a cola. Cola.

Someone comes up... You have a diet?

You have diet?

You have a diet cola.

Someone comes up... You don't have caffeine free?

You have a caffeine-free

BOTH: Diet cola.

Someone comes up... Unless you got a ginger ale.

But I...

No drinks, we have no drinks.

We have a little pretzel... No.

Or a chip of some kind?

No. No food, no drinks. Nothing.

We are standing here looking at a photograph.

Oh! Puppy dogs.

Fine.

Someone comes up and asks

"What do you think of this photograph?"

I think it's pretty.

I think it's... Ugly.

I think it's...

Pretty ugly.

Is this how you're going to act

when you meet Roger Morgan?

No, I'll be good. Mmm-hmm.

Boy, are you strict.

Yes, I am.

Balki, at this kind of party

it doesn't matter what you think.

What matters is that they think you think what they think.

Got it? I don't think so.

All right.

Let me make it simple for you.

When they ask you what you think,

you ask them what they think

and then tell them the same thing.

But they already know what they think.

Exactly.

And they wanna hear the same thing from you.

So let's try it again.

We're looking at picture.

Balki, where are you going?

I'm choosing a new picture. It's enough with puppies.

Yeah, this is the one.

What do you think of this picture?

Well, I, I... I...

What do you think?

I like it. How about you?

All right, let's try on your tuxedo.

Cousin, are you sure this is the way

people act at these parties?

Balki, of course, I'm sure.

Trust me.

This is just a game you play

to get your foot in the door.

Don't worry. I won't embarrass you.

Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna be proud of me.

I guessed at the size.

Guess again.

I'm sorry the tuxedo place was closed.

Me too.

But I don't mind being a little different.

I'm proud of my heritage.

Okay. Be proud.

Just...

Stand behind me.

Which one's Roger Morgan?

Well, I don't see him.

Oh, look, that's Frank Lambert.

And that's Dick Jorgeson.

He won a Pulitzer Prize last year.

Oh, there's Margaret Milgram.

She owns the gallery.

Balki, I never thought I'd be rubbing elbows

with so many important people.

I'd love to rub those elbows.

It's an expression.

Don't rub anything.

Let's mingle. What does...

It means talk without touching.

Without touching.

"Hitchhiker on the Road to Bitterness."

Hmm.

Do you really think so? Yes, I do.

What do you...

Think?

What do I think? Yes.

I think it's the best of his essence too.

We have a calendar of all his work at home.

This is September.

A calendar?

Yes, it's right over the toilet.

A toilet? Please!

Oh, it's right out the door to your left.

Well, I never...

Dennis, I need a drink.

New rule.

Don't say anything unless you've got something caught in your throat.

But, cousin, I was just agreeing with her like you said.

Don't you think it's a good picture?

LARRY: Yes, it's a good picture.

All his pictures are good.

I looked at this one all through September.

I think it might've been better

if he'd shot it with a wide angle lens.

Boy, you know a lot for a guy who's never sold a picture.

Thank you.

You know, I always wondered

why he only shoots in black and white.

Uh, sir?

Thank you.

Balki, give the man back his tray.

He give it to me. Balki.

Thank you.

What this?

Those are finger sandwiches.

No, Balki.

Balki.

Balki, they're not what you think.

Just take something.

Uh, perhaps a cocktail frank?

Oh. My name's not Frank. It's Balki.

And I think cocktails are those little drinks over there.

Thank you.

I'll try to remember that.

You know, you'd think they'd get a waiter

who knew what he was doing.

Yes. You'd think they would.

Oh, good to see you too.

Margaret, how are ya? Roger.

So good to see you. Well, it's good to be here.

Balki, that's him. That's Roger Morgan.

Cousin, he's not wearing a black tie.

No wonder everyone is staring at him.

LARRY: All right. This is it.

Oh. Sweaty palms.

What if he wants to shake hands?

All right. Oh, ah...

Mr. Morgan. Yes?

I...

I, I, I'm Larry, Larry, Larry...

Appleton. Appleton.

Uh, do you have something caught in your throat?

No. No.

No, I'm fine.

You know, Mr. Morgan, I've always wondered

why do you only shoot black and white?

Well... Cousin Larry was wondering that.

You were wondering the same thing.

Weren't you, cousin?

Excuse us.

Well, that's it. It's over.

The man obviously thinks I'm an idiot.

No, he doesn't, cousin.

He might think you talk a little funny

and, well, who could blame him?

But he hasn't met the real Larry Appleton.

The one who speaks English.

Now come on, let's go play the game.

I had my chance and I blew it.

Oh, you just try again.

I can't.

Yes, you can!

Cousin, if I was standing there

and the great Zimdog Zakibatbat was over there...

I would hope you would do this.

No, Balki, Balki! All right, put me down. Put me down...

Balki, put me down.

Mr. Morgan...

My Cousin Larry, again.

Yes, I remember.

He... He admires you.

I do, I really do.

And he...

Would like to be as great as you are some day.

I would, I would.

You know, that's the great thing about photography, it's a non-verbal medium.

The hitchhiker picture. Yes.

Don't you think you took it with the wrong lens?

Mr. Morgan doesn't do anything with the wrong lens.

Dennis... Don't worry, Mr. Morgan.

I'll take care of these people.

Margaret.

Don't mind Dennis, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Must have been painful for his mama.

Excuse us again.

Do you have any idea what you just said?

I was just trying to help.

Well, you didn't.

And that I come from a family of idiots.

I don't understand these strange social rules.

Thinking one thing and saying another.

People should just be themselves.

Except Dennis, he should be somebody else.

You're right. I'm sorry we even came.

Those are they.

Pardon me, but how did you get in here?

He's with me. I was talking to you.

I was invited.

And I'm his invited guest.

Well, I'm uninviting both of you.

You're a blithering fool.

And you... You come here dressed like a...

Like a matador... And proceed to utter

the most tactless, inane dribble I've ever...

Now, wait a minute.

He is not being tactless.

He's being honest.

And don't put down his clothes.

He is proud of his heritage.

No one speaks to her like that.

Well, I'm sorry, but your nana was being rude.

His nana?

I'm calling security.

Dennis, really.

You're in trouble.

Come on, Balki, let's get outta here.

Uh, young man, about that lens comment...

Oh, but it wasn't stupid.

It was a very perceptive comment.

I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Not now, anyway. Yes.

What lens would you have used?

Well, I guess, I would have used a 28 mm.

That's exactly the lens I was gonna use.

But my camera bag was locked in the car...

Along with my keys.

Oh!

Cousin Larry does that all the time.

It's refreshing to hear an honest criticism.

Usually when I ask people what they think,

they turn around and say, "What do you think?"

I hate that.

Uh, Larry, uh... What was the name again?

Appleton. Larry Appleton.

Appleton. I remember the picture.

You do Yes.

If the committee had listened to my opinion,

you would have done better than tenth place.

Well, Mr. Morgan, you have no idea how that makes me feel.

Well, I was a beginner once too, you know?

You've got a good eye, Appleton.

I'd like to see some more of your work.

Really?

Drop some pictures by the hotel.

Maybe I can be of help to you.

Well, thank you.

Nice outfit, kid.

Very Myposian.

I can't believe it. Roger Morgan is gonna look at my pictures and cry.

I'll bring him these.

I can't bring him that.

Maybe this. What do you think?

What do you think?

No, Balki, we're not at the gallery anymore.

I really need your opinion.

Cousin, everybody has an opinion.

Me, Roger Morgan

even Dennis and his nana.

But the only one that matters is yours.

Now bring Mr. Morgan the ones you like best.

Yeah. You're right.

Come on, Balki.

I wanna bring these over to his hotel.

Boy, this could be great.

If Roger Morgan likes these,

I could be working in a newspaper in a couple of weeks.

I could be in a new apartment in a couple of months.

In a year...

I could win a Pulitzer.

And if he doesn't like them?

Cousin...

Don't you think you're getting a little crazy again?

Isn't there somewhere in the middle?

You're right.

and hope for the best?

I second that emotion.