Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothin' to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feelin'

* Like you need some kinda change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me

* Nothin's gonna stop me

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothin's gonna stop me now *

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Susan.

The mailman put this in my box by mistake.

Another letter from Ed McMahon.

I feel bad about not getting back to him.

Susan. Hi, Balki.

Let me bathe in your beauty.

All right, up. Bath time is over.

You'll have to forgive Balki.

Susan, let me shine your shoes with my heart.

He is so cute.

Balki, save something for your honeymoon.

See ya. Bye-bye, Susan.

Goodbye, love goddess.

You don't do that to other women.

I don't know any other women.

Well, maybe you should go out and meet some.

Easy for you, you're a happening guy.

Well, true. But anybody can do it.

I mean, you see a woman, you smile.

Pay her a compliment, ask her her name.

It's easy.

Can I help you? Uh, yeah.

Do you have any sweatshirts? Right over there.

Ah, fantastic. Yes.

And speaking of fantastic, you have perfect bone structure

for having babies.

What your name is? Uh, excuse me.

Oh, I see. It's written on the back of your pants.

"Levi Strauss."

Hello, Levi. My name is Balki.

Hey, where do you get off anyway?

Well, I got off in New York, but then I took the bus to Chicago.

It's my kind of town, Chicago is.

Levi, after work, do you want to have a happy hour with me?

Excuse me, he means no harm.

He's from another country. And he has a head injury.

Don't you give me that face.

I did what you told me. It didn't work.

Balki, that's not how you meet women.

That's how muggers meet women.

If I pick any losers, I'll think of you.

Move it. Move it. Get away from my money.

Well, that's easy.

You see a woman, you offer her 50 bucks, not a penny more.

I don't think that's the kind of date he's talking about.

Well, bite my tongue.

That mean I don't get to play St. Francis in the school play?

Balki, you gotta go to a place where single women hang out.

Maybe you should go to a singles bar.

Oh, a singles bar. I have seen that on TV.

"Give me a light. Go for the gusto."

"Here's to good friends."

Will you come with me, Cousin Larry?

Tonight is kinda special.

No, Balki.

I prefer more formal situations, you know, uh,

weddings, tax audit, Heimlich maneuver.

Oh, please, Cousin.

No, I just don't like those kinds of places.

Please, you have to go with me. You're the love expert.

I don't think so.

Oh! Bobo.

I see. You're afraid if I learn the secrets of your power

I'll misuse it.

Yes, that's it.

So, this is one of your American mating places?

Meeting. A meeting place.

People meet each other here. They mate somewhere else.

So many beautiful women.

You know, you're right.

You really know your stuff, Cousin Larry.

Well, I think I'll pick out my woman now.

This is not a cafeteria.

I know how to be cool.

Hey, mama. You be getting down with your bad self.

What are you doing?

Everyone is looking at us. I don't like that.

Now, the first thing is what we call eye contact.

Eye contact. Like the Three Stooges?

All right, I'm gone, outta here. No, no, Cousin, Cousin.

Okay, okay.

Look, for safety's sake, we had better define eye contact.

You look, you look into a woman's eyes from across the room.

And if she looks back, you know, you kind of hold the look.

That's eye contact.

Like that woman is looking at you?

What woman?

Don't point.

She must be looking at someone else.

you work your way over to the woman

and you use your opening line.

Something like, "Do you come here often?"

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Didn't we meet in the Oval Office?"

Things like that.

Okay.

I have made eye contact.

Oh, boy. Can I try my opening line?

All right, go ahead. Just don't tell her you know me.

Hello.

Do you come here often? No.

Would you smother me with your beautiful American body?

Excuse us.

You were one step away from throwing yourself

at that woman's feet, weren't you?

Why don't you show me, Cousin Larry? You're the expert.

Look. Look, I just don't like these places.

And besides, I'm more of a kind of a talking expert than a,

uh, I really don't wanna meet anyone.

That woman is still looking at you.

She is?

Yes, she is.

Oh, my God, she is.

Go ahead and get her, you love devil.

All right. But this is a little faster

than I usually like to operate.

I'm only doing this for you.

So-- Hey, that's my girlfriend.

Balki, Balki.

Balki, Balki.

* Young girl get out of my mind

* My love for you is way out of line

* Better run girl *

Cousin Larry, I'm so happy.

I met one fox-like American woman.

Sounds like you had fun, too.

Hey, you disappeared pretty fast.

Did you...get lucky?

Yeah, I got lucky.

I'm lucky I wasn't killed.

That's nice.

Aren't you happy for me? Yeah, why not?

While you were inside meeting your fox-like American chick,

I was out in the parking lot

learning that the human body can bounce off of concrete.

I have so much to learn.

Reams.

Well, you can show me tomorrow night

We'll double the pleasure, double the fun.

Let me try to make something absolutely crystal clear for you.

I would rather spend the evening with Jabba the Hutt.

Well, call him up. We'll all party!

* Young girl get out of my mind *

Will you stop it?

I'm sorry. I'm just nervous about my date.

She'll love you, I guarantee it.

Well, maybe you're right.

My underarms are safe, my scalp is not flaky

and my breath is lemon fresh.

Well, other than gargling with Pledge

I think you're off to a good start.

Hi, guys. LARRY: Oh, hi, Susan.

So, Balki, ready for your big date?

Well, let me see.

I open the door for her, I pull out the chair

I don't speak with my mouth full

and I don't touch her body unless I am asked.

Larry.

Well, these are questions that came up.

Please, Cousin Larry, please come with me.

No. Please.

Now, don't worry. I believe in you.

You have got the right stuff.

He is doomed.

Larry, why don't you go with him? Oh, oh, no, no, no.

You're thinking, Balki's my friend,

my roommate. A stranger from another country.

He looks up to me. How can I cast him aside?

Like this!

Larry-- Nice try.

I don't like to be embarrassed.

I have spent my life avoiding embarrassing situations.

Who knows when it started?

Larry, I don't see how going on a date

with a friend can be embarrassing.

We are talking about Balki.

The man who doesn't believe the refrigerator light goes off.

The man who knows a thousand and one unfunny jokes about sheep.

The man who thinks Bo Derek is a fine little actress.

And you are telling me that he's not going to embarrass me?

Take a reality pill.

If you're gonna be embarrassed, don't go.

Oh, great, lay a guilt trip on me.

You don't have to tell me that tonight is going be a disaster.

And you don't have to tell me how terrible I'm going to feel

if I'm not there to pick up the pieces.

All right, I'll go.

There. I hope you're happy.

If it'll be easier for you, I'll go with you.

Oh, sure, come along.

I'm gonna go put on my face. Sure, easy for you.

You get to wear a disguise.

She is so manipulative.

Don't be shy. Come, come.

So, Diane, what do you do?

Good opening line, Cousin Larry, but she is my date.

I teach high school geography.

That's why I'm so fascinated by Balki's homeland.

It is a fascinating place.

We have no sewers. And in the rainy season, it--

LARRY: I-I, uh, ahem.

I-I come from Wisconsin.

That's nice.

Oh!

Oh, you don't wanna do that.

This is the funniest joke in all of Mypos.

It's a small country.

These three sheepherders want to find out

who has the most beautiful sheep in all of Mypos.

So they decide to bring each the prize animal

to be judged by the others.

Waiter. Waiter!

And the others say, "This is a very beautiful animal.

"So big, so white, so fluffy, good gums."

Waiter, yo!

You know this one. You're so funny.

So the next one presents his sheep, even more beautiful.

And then the next one presents his sheep.

But it's just a horrible looking animal.

Skinny, dirty, wrinkled face.

And they say, "This has got to be the most ugly animal

"in the world."

and the sheep says, "You think I'm ugly?

"Well, I'm not."

And? That's the punch line.

Anybody for the salad bar? There is no salad bar.

There's no punch line either.

That didn't stop him.

Oh!

Hey, you know, this sounds like a song from my country.

Oh no, it doesn't.

DIANE: Really?

It's a lovely dance with lots of people.

Oh, look, they have takeout.

Can you show us the dance? Oh no. No dancing.

Oh, come on. Show us. It takes a lot of people.

We'll stay here. Susan. SUSAN: Oh no, come on, Larry.

Waiter, check, please.

Hey! Hey!

Come on, everybody, feel the beat.

Put on your boogie sandals.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

"The Dance of Joy" is over.

Hey, we're havin' a good time.

Dance. Five, six, seven, eight.

ALL: Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Goodnight, Susan. Goodnight. I had a great time.

I can't believe it.

Isn't life great?

No.

I made a fool out of myself. I am so embarrassed.

What

We were having fun. Fun?

I made a public spectacle out of myself.

One threat of death and I was out there

tapping my little feet off.

You did not make a spectacle of yourself.

Not even a private one.

Of course I did.

I am not one of them. I don't like to sing.

I don't like to dance.

People...look at you.

But if everyone is singing and dancing

they don't point to one man and say,

"Look at that fellow singing and dancing."

They look at the fellow who's not singing and dancing.

Don't they?

You know what I think?

I think you won't admit it, but you really did have fun tonight.

Oh no, I didn't. Oh, yes, you did.

Did not. You did too.

Didn't.

You sang. I didn't enjoy it.

You laughed. A hollow laugh.

Well, nobody twisted your leg to make you do that Cagney impression.

Well, I got sucked into the mob mentality.

Look, Balki, you and I are different.

You like to just jump into the swimming pool of life

without even checking to see if there is water.

I, on the other hand, like to make sure there's water,

a lifeguard

test for algae.

And then I dip a toe in and call it a day.

I-I shouldn't be teaching you anything.

I-I don't know how to have fun.

That is not true.

You are a fun person. Really?

Yes. Oh no, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Do Cagney for me again. Oh no.

Oh, come on. No.

Oh, come on. No, no.

Please, or I'll look at you and point.

Okay.

Oh, you dirty rat.

You killed my brother, you dirty rat.

Yeah?

Perfect.

Now, you see, don't you feel better?

Well, yeah, I do.

You know, I'm gonna try to loosen up more often.

Thanks, Balki. Oh, I should thank you.

If it wasn't for you

You know, you taught me, if I just relax and be myself

people will like me.

And you learned something.

Actually, you learned the same thing.

I guess so.

So you, you really think I sound like Cagney?

Perfect. Yeah?

Just like Cagney. Yeah.

Can you do Lacey?