Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Rise and fall on the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* Nothing's gonna stop me now

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's going to stop me now

* Nothing's going to stop me now *

Yeah? If you'd watch where you were going

you wouldn't fall down.

Sheesh.

Give somebody a white cane

they think they own the sidewalk.

Hi, Mr. Twinkacetti.

The handicapped harassing you again?

Boy, Chicago is a big place.

If I walked as far on my little island of Mypos

as I just walked I'd be drowning in the ocean right now.

I'm so lucky to be here.

You're so lucky the Statue of Liberty

didn't wave you away.

Where have you been?

She said to me, "Would you take this to my house?"

And I said, "of course," because it's only 93 blocks.

And...

And so, when we got there, I had to hook up the antenna

which was on the roof.

And they were coming toward me because they want to peck me.

And then they come and sit on my neck

and I don't like that.

And then the old lady had to come up

and drag me off the roof like Tippi Hedren.

But the TV works like a charm.

What, uh, what TV did she buy?

Oh, not one from here.

It's obvious in his country

Balki, that little old lady took advantage of you.

Every panhandler on the block knows you by your first name.

"Sucker."

You gotta stop being so nice.

Okay, you're right.

I'll never be nice again.

Let me get that for you.

I'll get it.

Ritz Discount.

Oh, hi, Gus.

You're kidding.

Gus, this means a lot to me. Thanks.

Cousin Larry, you were nice to that person on the phone.

I hope he didn't take advantage of you.

I finally got a break.

Dolly Parton is staying in town secretly.

Dolly Parton. I love her.

* Workin' nine to five

* What a way to make a livin'

* Workin' nine to five *

Balki, sit this one out.

Anyway, iff I can get a picture of her

before anyone knows she's in town

what it takes to be a crack photojournalist.

Cousin Larry, you know, someday I'm gonna look at you and say

"That's my cousin, Larry Appleton

the best photographer in the world."

And do you know why?

Because you're cracked.

Thanks.

* Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen *

BALKI: Are you crazy?

TV ANNOUNCER: Door three. Door number two.

The car is behind door number two.

Uh! Unbelievable.

BALKI: Cousin Larry, did you get the picture?

I got to the hotel just as her cab was pulling away.

I jumped into another cab and said, "Follow that car."

And in case you're wondering, they don't do that.

BALKI: You've had a busy day.

I gotta get this picture.

She checked into a room with a man who is not her husband.

This is a sure sale.

If he's not her husband, what's he doing in her room?

Balki, she's having an affair.

Dolly Parton wouldn't do that.

Maybe it's her brother. Yeah.

Well, there are newspapers who'll buy a picture of them,

whoever he is.

What if they don't want their picture taken?

They don't. That's what makes newspapers wanna buy it.

Well, don't you think you're stepping on her privacy?

Look, Balki, in America

a famous person gives up their right to privacy.

And if I'm gonna make it as a photojournalist,

it's gonna take a lot of talent and luck.

I've got the talent, and Dolly Parton is my luck.

You want to get lucky with Dolly Parton?

What I'm saying is that people have a right to know

about every aspect of a public figure's life.

Taking a picture of Dolly Parton is photojournalism?

The journalism will have to come later.

How you did that?

Well, it's, it's a pop-top can.

Haven't you ever seen one of these before?

Of course I have, don't be ridiculous.

I did it.

Now how do I close that?

Oh, hi, Linda, I forgot you were coming.

Oh, well, I hope you're still gonna be able

to look after Gorbachev.

Well, I'm flattered.

Now, remember, he likes to be walked at 10 o'clock.

If you wait too long

Ten it is. Maybe 9:30.

Well, I'm sure we can think of something.

My flight gets back Tuesday. Yeah, okay.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Great, just what I need.

Come on, Gorbachev. If you're good, we'll feed you a mailman.

Yeah, good boy. Yeah, good boy.

Okay, stay off the bed.

Yeah, all right.

Stretch out.

Let me ask you something.

Linda just gave you a big dog to take care of.

Isn't she taking advantage of you?

Well, there's a difference.

See, I'm letting her take advantage of me

in the hope that it will help bond our relationship.

You want to bond with her?

Well, she is a stewardess.

Whoo! Whoo.

Oh! Oh.

What are we talking about?

I'll explain it some other time, huh?

I thought you were going to your citizenship class.

Well, I'll make it up on Saturday.

I'm sewing Mr. Twinkacetti's pants.

You're sewing Twinkacetti's pants?

Sure. You want me to sew something for you?

There you go, letting people take advantage of you.

You've got to learn to say no. I can't say no.

Balki, would you shine my shoes?

Sure. There, see? You did it again.

You've gotta stand up for yourself.

Sit down.

Just say no. No. I'm sorry.

No. No, don't say you're sorry. It takes the edge off.

Now, come on, try it again.

Balki, would you please shine my shoes?

It would help if you didn't say "please."

Say it. No.

Good.

No, I won't shine your shoes. Good, keep it going.

I would not shine your shoes if my life depend on it.

You tried to trick Balki.

No shoes, no mustard.

Good, huh? Very good.

I'm very proud of you. And you'll never do this again.

Never again.

You bet you will, buddy.

This is fun.

Hello?

They did

You're the greatest, Gus. Thanks.

Balki, Dolly Parton just went

for a walk with the guy she's with.

I gotta hurry if I wanna catch them.

Balki?

You want me to walk the dog? Yes.

Don't be ridiculous.

No, no. Now, Balki, Balki.

Now, I am desperate, I am in need.

Aren't we all? What? No, no.

Balki, this is not a test. I repeat, this is not a test.

I am begging you.

No way. Uh-uh.

I'm going to my citizenship class.

Balki, you can't do this to me.

Who do you think you're talking to

Ha!

Come here, Susan.

Look this. Hello, Cousin Larry.

Hello, Susan. Hi.

Larry, why aren't you talking to Balki?

I only talk to my friends.

All I know is last night, he taught me how to say no

until I was very good at saying no.

And then I said, "no," and he got mad.

That's not quite what happened.

I had the chance to get an exclusive photograph

of a famous person.

And all he had to do was take Gorbachev for a walk, but no.

Gorbachev? A dog the size of a Buick.

The point...

The point is I had to take the beast with me.

When I got close to take the picture

she saw me and took off.

Gorbachev took off after her

I tore my clothes. I sprained my ankle.

I probably would've been dragged to my death

if Gorbachev hadn't met a stray poodle

who was coming off a bad relationship.

All because of this person who I am not talking to.

Did you like Mypos food?

Cousin Larry, I don't know what you want.

I cook all day for you

and still you're not talking to me.

You told me to say no.

I'll make an exception just to say this.

I don't wanna talk about it.

You know, now you're making Balki mad.

You know, I can pout too.

Pouting was invented on Mypos.

You haven't seen pouting until you've seen

the Mypos kiss of silence.

Okay, wise eyes, you asking for it.

Don't you ever, ever do that again.

Hello.

Hello, Gus.

No, he's in the bathroom, not talking.

What?

What is that about Dolly Parton?

Oh, my Cousin Larry would love to hear that.

...Dolly Parton. Bye.

Who was that? Was that Gus from the hotel?

He say something about Dolly Parton?

Did he say she's going out?

What do you think, huh?

You're not dealing with a dimwit here.

Gus went on his break.

Balki, I'd like to apologize.

I was wrong, I'm sorry I pouted. There.

Now, tell me what he said.

Balki, I apologized.

You didn't mean it.

You know, on Mypos, we have a way

of showing an apology is real.

Tell me. I'll do it.

Well, first you pluck a chicken.

Balki.

Okay, we skip the chicken.

I can grovel.

The sorry person says, "I am dirt.

"I am the sweat of a pig.

"I am sorry forever."

But it better be convincing.

I am dirt.

I am--

What What

It's not groveling unless your head is lower than mine.

I am dirt.

I am dirt.

I am... The sweat of a pig.

The sweat of a pig. I've got it, I've got it.

I am sorry forever.

There. Is that good enough?

It's just not the same without the chicken.

Balki, Balki, please.

Oh, I forgive you.

So we have to do the Dance of Joy.

All right, good.

Now, tell me what Gus said about Dolly Parton.

She's on the plane to Nashville.

No. Ugh! Just kidding.

Cousins should joke more. Yes, yes, they should.

Now tell me what he said.

She's in the lounge with the man who must be her brother.

The lounge.

Can I come with you? Okay, okay.

I wanna get close enough to get the picture this time.

Why can't I say, "watch the birdie?"

It's so dark in here.

You can't even see your own nose in front of your face.

There she is.

Oh no, he's leaving. I've gotta get a picture of them together.

Don't you see what's happened?

She's going back to her husband because she's a good person.

And now no one will ever know that they came here together.

Until you take a picture of them

and then her life is ruined.

What are you doing?

I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure.

Balki, give me my camera. No.

Good, huh?

Let's be adult about this. Give me my camera.

No, no, no.

Stop. Stop. Don't. Don't.

Would you stop?

She's not going back to her husband.

They are going to Mexico to live in sin.

Now give me my camera.

Balki, get out of my way. No.

I can't let you invade her privacys.

MAN: Somebody call the police.

You're not Dolly Parton. She's not? But I was told...

You're not Dolly Parton.

All right, wise guy, why you've been following us all over town?

Scared my wife half to death.

I did? I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I, I just wanted to get a picture

of a famous person committing adultery.

I am dirt.

I am the sweat of a pig.

Why couldn't I see what I was doing?

Well, because it was very dark at that hotel.

I was willing to destroy a person's reputation

by selling a picture to a sleazy newspaper...

Just to get my career started.

You tried to tell me that, but I wouldn't listen.

I have no integrity. Of course you do.

You full of it.

What is integrity?

Refusing to sell out to get where you wanna go.

If I wanted to be a photojournalist with integrity

what made me think I could start out this way?

that makes a better person.

I learned I was a sleaze.

But you can build on that.

In my country, when somebody learns something

about himself that is not good

then he changes that.

That means he has what you call integrity.

You should be proud of yourself.

Well, that makes me feel better.

A little better.

Now, cousin, it would make me happy

to do something for you because you are my friend.

But if I do that for you

are you taking advantage of me?

What I meant about that was

if you wanna help people, you should.

But you shouldn't do it because you feel you have to.

Oh.

What a wonderful day we've had.

You have learned something, and I have learned something.

Too bad we didn't learn it sooner

we could have gone to the movies instead.

Cousin Larry? What?

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Balki.