Original subtitles

(STEVIE READING)

DAVID: This was a good choice.

Yep.

-We make good choices. -Mm-hmm.

This was a really healthy choice.

(INHALES)

Well, I'm gonna go to work now.

Okay.

Which is where I should've been 15 minutes ago.

Mm-hmm.

JOHNNY: Stevie?

Oh, Stevie!

-What? -It's your dad.

He saw me.

Fuck!

It's the towels again, we need towels!

Your dad can't know about this.

-(SIGHS) -(KNOCK ON DOOR)

It's humiliating for me.

Stevie, is this where you keep the towels? If it is, I'd love a key!

Okay.

Here you go.

Okay, this is a face cloth, and a bath mat.

Oh! Uh...

I will get you some towels and I will bring them to your room.

Oh, I'd love to take them with me, I need them now.

STEVIE: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I will deliver them to your room.

(SOFTLY) Stevie.

Is everything okay?

-(SOFTLY) Stevie. -Yes, I'm just a little tied up right now.

-(WHISPERING) Is anyone in there? -What? No.

Are you in danger? Blink, if you're in danger.

(SOFTLY) Stevie.

That's really not necessary.

(LOUDLY) Okay, well, I'm going back to my room now!

(SOFTLY) And I'm gonna call the police.

No, Mr Rose, please don't call the police.

DAVID: Dad, please, just take the towels and go!

Oh.

Well, I, uh...

I've got everything I need.

Good seeing you both.

Um, what happened with...

Stop!

-What... -You said...

-Okay. What happened... -Something...

You slept with Stevie.

I... What, did Dad tell the whole motel?

Well, no, but I heard through the wall,

'cause he was doing his high-pitched voice.

So, was it cute for you, or what?

It was fine. It was... It was weird. It was good.

-Love that. -It was good but weird.

I love that!

Um, okay, so I have to tell you this.

Um, Ted wants to meet my friends,

so I think it's getting kind of serious.

It's been two weeks.

I know.

What's your point, David?

Ugh! So, anyway, (SCOFFS)

we're throwing a party at his place tonight,

so I would say be there around, like, 7:00.

That's presumptuous. What if I have plans?

That's so cute. Bring Stevie.

No, I'm not bringing Stevie. It's not a good time.

-I'm gonna let the dust settle on that... -Well, okay, but

Ted's already getting groceries, and I may...

I already invited her.

So, it's gonna be fun! David! It's gonna be so much fun!

Children, children.

Your father and I have something to discuss.

I'm really busy right now, though.

ALEXIS: I can't right now, I don't have time.

We understand you have found some local friends

with whom to spend time with.

-Oh, my God. -Okay, I can't deal with this right now.

-And that's fine! -JOHNNY: But (SIGHS)

we do have to be careful with our hearts and our parts.

Because a podunk baby out of wedlock

-is not something your father and I can afford -(SIGHS)

-to negotiate at this moment. -(ALEXIS SCOFFS)

Well, that's crazy, because all I want to negotiate right now

is some podunk baby out of wedlock!

-(LAUGHING) -DAVID: So...

Okay, hi. Hi.

I don't wanna sound negative about this at all,

but I think that you two really, actually need to consider, um,

the idea of, um,

-getting a life. -(TITTERS)

Alexis, I would not concern yourself with your mother and me,

because we have a flourishing social life here.

Uh, walking over to the cafe and ordering a tuna melt

is hardly what I would call a "flourishing social life."

-Oh, that's funny. That's funny. -Yeah.

You're just... It's just that you're so involved in our lives right now,

and that was fine when we were child actors for a little bit.

But now David and I are grown-up adults,

and we're just feeling very like, um...

-Suffocated. -ALEXIS: Suffocated.

-Wait, stop! -JOHNNY: Suffocated?

-Yeah. -Stop!

We came in here to speak about you two.

What could you possibly have to say now?

Well, now I don't remember.

Yeah, I don't remember.

Oh, my God! Thanks.

You know, the more I think about it,

the more I wonder whether David's whole

sexually adventurous thing was just a phase.

It's not a phase.

Well, you know, he was very influenced in college,

all those haircuts.

It's not a phase, John.

The kids are right,

-we've been talking about them far more than I care to. -JOHNNY: Mmm.

ROLAND: Something about that top that just knocks me out, baby!

Hey, how you doing?

Eh...

-Jocelyn, hi! -Hi, Moira.

Why don't you join us?

Moira, what're you doing?

Attempting to be social, support me.

-Won't you, please? -Hey, sure!

-JOHNNY: Hi! -Of course.

-Hello! -Well!

-Hello. -Hello.

-JOHNNY: Good to see you! -Look at us, all being together!

-Uh-huh. Yes. -(MOIRA CHUCKLES)

Jonathan and I were just saying,

wouldn't it be fun to have the mayor and his wife over

for cocktails and charades tonight!

-Yes, tonight. -ROLAND: Oh, jeez.

Yeah, no, unfortunately that's not gonna work for us.

We're having a huge party tonight at our place.

Ton of people coming to our house.

-Whoo! -ROLAND: Ooh, yeah, big.

But we're free any other night other than tonight.

(BELL THUDS)

(BELL CONTINUES THUDDING)

-Hey. -Um...

So, um...

So the other... So, last night...

Um...

-That was just a... -Was a one-time thing.

-That was a one time... -(NERVOUS LAUGH) Like a blip.

Just a blip...

Just a blip. Blop. Just a...

(INHALES SHARPLY)

-Uh, my sister said that she, uh... -Invited me to Ted's thing.

Yes, she asked you to Ted's.

-Yeah. -Yep.

Um...

Okay, well, I'm gonna leave from here.

Should I just come by your place and get you when I'm done?

Yeah. We can go together, 'cause that's...

That's like a totally normal thing for us to do.

-Why would it not be? -No, it's fine! I mean...

So, um...

So, cool.

Yeah, no, this is a good thing.

So I'll just, um...

I'll see you when you swing by.

-So... -Yeah, I'll be...

Blippity blop. Blippity blip.

You're quiet today.

Am I?

It's just that you're not talking,

and it's annoying, because I'm bored.

Can't we just think and work,

or do we always have to talk?

Okay, you're being super sketchy and emo right now, what is going on?

Have you ever been in a relationship where you find yourself cheating?

-Yes. -With someone in your dreams?

Oh, what?

Oh. Um...

You know that if it's in your dreams,

or over the clothes, it's not cheating, right?

Yeah, well, it's been happening a lot lately,

and then I look over and I see Twyla,

and I feel bad.

Also, Ted is throwing a party tonight,

maybe that's something exciting for you two to do together?

That's probably not such a good idea.

Mmm.

Oh. Oh! Oh.

I'm sorry, what kind of event are you hosting this evening?

(CHUCKLES)

Event.

Oh, it's more of a soiree.

He's just teasing, it's our annual Hawaiian night.

Pineapples, pig on the spit, the whole nine yards.

Oh, you, uh, roast pigs?

-JOCELYN: We do! -Sure do.

-We have a big one hanging in the garage. -ROLAND: Mmm-hmm.

Wow, it sounds like, uh...

Quite the evening.

So whose pig do we have to slaughter to get an invite?

Oh, my goodness, well, um,

we just didn't think that you and Johnny would wanna come, so...

Well, that's a touch presumptuous, Jocelyn.

Why would we not want to be involved

in a themed party in your yard?

Right.

Well, I mean, for one thing, you know, the two of you are a little, uh...

A little what?

(SIGHS)

-Hoity-toity. All right, I've said it. -(GASPS)

We didn't think that you'd wanna hang out with regular people.

-Right. -(SCOFFS) "Regular people"?

Regular people are how Rose Video became such a...

Right, ca-careful, Moira.

Regular people! I mean, they made us who we were...

-What am I trying to say? -We love regular people.

-(STAMMERING) We love regular people. -MOIRA: Mmm.

Well, by all means then, the two of you are invited.

Thank you.

So, just to be clear,

um, I'm a red wine drinker.

-That's fine. -Okay, cool.

But, uh, I only drink red wine.

Okay.

And up until last night,

I was under the impression that

you too only drank red wine.

But I guess I was wrong?

I see where you're going with this.

Um...

I do drink red wine.

But I also drink white wine.

-Oh. -And I've been known to sample the occasional rose.

And a couple summers back I tried a Merlot,

that used to be a Chardonnay.

-Which got a bit complicated. -Oh. Okay.

Yeah, so, you're just really open to all wines.

I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?

-Yes, that does. -Okay.

Um, this is just very new to me,

so as long as you didn't roll over

and cry yourself to sleep with regret, then we're good, right?

No, no, no, I absolutely did that.

Just wept for hours in the dark.

I say we go with this one, it's the biggest.

Wow, Ted, the place is very

new looking.

Did you design the interior?

(LAUGHS) Oh, I wish.

No, I found this website online that sells off

old department store show rooms.

So this whole room...

Just gets delivered, as is.

This is the "bachelor's den" here,

and then that's the "executive dining lounge" that I got on Black Friday.

-Hmm. -Wow!

-Yeah. -Wow.

So are we the only ones showing up to this party? (NERVOUS LAUGH)

-No, we're still waiting for Mutt and Twyla. -Mm-hmm.

-Oh, I should take the rolls out of the microwave. -Yes.

-Hot rolls! -(CHUCKLES)

Alexis had just said that this was a "party" party.

Ah, well, you must've been misinformed then, David.

No, it's a dinner party. I wanted to get to know Alexis' friends a bit,

so I figured we'd invite a few couples over, huh,

have some dinner, play some games?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(GASPS) You guys showed!

Yeah, why wouldn't we show?

Twyla, I love your outfit, you look like a little Georgia peach!

-Hi. -So, where is everybody? I thought this was a party.

It is. It's an exclusive little party.

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, who turned off Don Ho?

-Hey. -Oh!

-Aloha, Roses! -Well, look who it is.

-It's the Schitts! -(LAUGHING)

-Yeah, there you go. (LAUGHING) -Ahh.

-Jocelyn. -Moira.

Ooh, Johnny! (CHUCKLES)

-Whoo! -I gotta tell you, that suit,

that's pretty dangerous to wear at a party like this.

I just wanna wipe my hands all over that!

-Oh! -(ALL LAUGH)

You just keep getting funnier.

I'm not joking though, I really do.

Moira, I have to ask you. Are those wigs real hair?

-I just wanna reach out and just touch them... -Please, don't.

No, Maureen does not like to be manhandled!

-Sorry, sorry. -Hey, Roses.

If I tell you a secret, you promise to keep it?

Uh, no, I don't think we would. What is it?

(CLEARS THROAT AND SHUSHES)

Johnny. (HUMS TRUMPET FANFARE)

-(VOCALISES) -(BOTH LAUGHING)

Now, listen. I'm the guy in charge of upholding the law around here,

so if you have any ideas about turning me in,

you'd just be turning me in to myself.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Spark it up, Roley! Spark it up.

-You got it, honey. -Listen, I don't know

if you guys wanna partake in this,

because I'm sure your fancy dinner parties

didn't have illegal substances.

Illegal substances. (SCOFFS)

Amateurs.

We had friends in the FDA, but...

When in Rome...

Well, damn, Roses!

-Let this party begin. -Mm-hmm.

I'll fire up the cheese fountain.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INHALES)

(CHOKING)

(EXHALES LOUDLY) Oh!

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

DAVID: (SOFTLY) No, thank you.

So, Mutt, did, uh,

you two criminals do any good for the community today?

We washed a car.

DAVID: You washed a car. Wow.

The judicial system is really cracking down

on its delinquents these days, huh?

TED: You know what I always wondered?

What do you two talk about all day out there?

Nothing.

I mean, we talk, but... We don't really talk about anything important.

So, like, what?

Like, nothing.

Okay, um...

Like, Mutt was having a bad day today, so we talked about that.

You didn't tell me you were having a bad day.

Ted, this is delicious.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh.

I didn't mean a bad day, Twy,

I just meant, like, he was questioning things.

Thank you, Stevie. I ordered it online from Nevada.

-No sales tax. -What were you questioning?

It's nothing.

So when the lasagna gets delivered...

-(TED CLEARS THROAT) -Does it come, uh, frozen or...

Okay, I just, uh...

I don't know why you didn't feel comfortable talking to me about it.

It's not important.

That's why I was talking to Alexis about it.

-(WHISPERS) Ouch. -TED: Stevie, how long have you and David been, um...

-It's very fresh and new. -No, it's not.

-It is, I would say. -Mm-mmm.

So, everyone knows?

-Knows what? -Uh, these two have...

-(GASPS) -What an elegant gesture, Ted.

Sorry, I thought everyone knew.

-No. -(SOFTLY) It's okay.

Sorry! (CHUCKLES)

-(BONGO DRUMS PLAYING) -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

MOIRA: I've been with these people before.

I know them all.

Wow, you've really been getting around town.

No, I was with them in my other life.

I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm from a small town, just like this.

No, I'm not buying that.

-It's true. -Really?

Why would you leave?

Oh, God, I couldn't wait to get out.

I was dying there.

Have you never dreamed?

Of a life beyond?

You have "what ifs," like, what if...

I had enlisted in the military,

what if Roland hadn't been

such a smooth talker, what...

Oh, man, what if.

What if I had not been crowned Miss Snow Cone at 16

and moved to the city with my driving instructor?

-Awesome. -And what if I had not

hand modeled at that microwave trade show?

-Yeah. -What if I didn't ask,

"Who's the eyebrows buying everyone's drinks?"

Wow, now you know.

Whatever happened to privacy?

Now your whole family thinks I'm this big hooker.

My whole family does not think you're a big hooker.

It was a funny one-night thing.

Everyone here is fine with it.

It was funny?

Yeah, it was a... It was a fun... (STAMMERING)

It was a funny... It was... Yes.

TWYLA: I had a best friend that hooked. She married one of her johns on my birthday.

Wow! So cool.

-Mmm. -It's not the time, Twyla.

Um, Stevie, I don't think you're a big hooker.

TWYLA: You don't talk all dinner,

and now you're telling me I can't talk about Trixie?

I'm sorry, it's just I think

sometimes you have a tendency to say the wrong thing, that's all.

Is there a right time to talk about being a hooker?

I bet nobody thought sex with Trixie was funny. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

I never said it was bad!

Okay, you know what I think is happening,

is things are just getting blown out of proportion.

And honestly, if, Alexis, you just tell us what you and Mutt were talking about,

it'd probably help.

Oh, my God, Ted!

We were washing a car and talking about bad dreams.

-Okay? -Okay.

You sound a little defensive.

-Well... -I'd agree.

You know what, I just remembered,

I have to wake up early tomorrow. I have an early check-in.

Uh, nobody checks-in.

Tomorrow someone is, early.

Uh, Ted, you have a really special place,

and we should all do this again sometime.

Uh, David, would you mind walking me home.

I don't think we're finished talking.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) David.

Don't.

My son lives in a barn in the woods, by choice.

He could be the next mayor of this town if he wanted it.

My son is pansexual.

Mm-hmm.

I've heard of that.

I know what that is, that's, uh,

that cookware fetish.

No.

-No, no. -Mmm-hmm. No, I read about that!

No, he loves everyone.

Men, women,

women who become men, men who become women.

I'm his father, and I always wanted his life to be easy.

But, you know, just pick one gender, and maybe...

Maybe everything would've been less...

Confusing.

Well, you know, Johnny, when it comes to matters of the heart,

we can't tell our kids who to love.

-Who said that? -You did.

When?

You just said it now!

When?

Now, right this second. You just said it.

And you're right. You can't tell them. And I'm fine with that.

(SHUDDERS) Thank you for playing along.

(EXHALES) I'm sorry, I just had to get out of there.

It was like being in an episode of Couples Therapy.

Okay, wait.

This was all a put-on just to get out of dinner?

Yeah, I thought you were in on it.

Well, you deserve a Daytime Emmy for that performance.

Thank you, I think so.

Okay, so you're not, like, raging mad at me, then.

No.

I think it's fair to say that neither of us have ever

worked with a ceiling mirror before.

-True. -It was funny.

And a little humiliating.

Yeah, I, uh...

Saw a lot of my body.

-I didn't like it. So... -(CHUCKLES)

I'm actually that way.

Okay, yeah, I was, um, wondering if maybe we should, um...

Try it again, for the sake of practice?

I'd be into that idea.

For the sake of proficiency.

So I guess we won't be playing Hedbanz.

Oh! Why did he say that?

Oh, my God.

-What the hell... (MUTTERING) -What?

-Just don't... Just stay here. -MOIRA: What?

Oh, hello again!

Spending another night together?

Dad!

Oh, Stevie, I hope you're being smart.

-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!

Because we can't afford a baby right now,

and let's be honest, neither can you!

Okay, well, I think it's about time that you two go to bed.

-Excuse me! -Uh, David,

I just want you to know that I support this.

Not the fact that you're sleeping with a girl, which is great.

But, you know, I'd be just as happy

if you were to bring home one of your guy friends.

What are you talking about?

Um, excuse me while I just go draw a warm bath and plug in my hair dryer.

No, Stevie. Stevie.

You're a lovely girl, lovely girl.

Bit of an edge, but you know, it's growing on me.

And David, I just want you to know

that I endorse all your sexual encounters.

Are you drunk?

Grass, too much grass.

-A little bit, but... -(SOFTLY) What the...

Hey, track that cycle, missy!

Okay, good night!

-Hey, good night! -(DOOR SLAMS)

Good night.