Original subtitles

I have a kid. His name is Jabbar.

Hey, did you take the test?

The test? The paternity test?

I want to get a paternity test.

I'm Mark Cyr, eleventh grade English.

SARAH: My daughter's teacher.

You know what, I'm trying to impress you.

It worked.

You must be Julia!

JOEL: This is Racquel. Hi.

You are so amazing.

Oh. Alrighty.

(ADAM GRUNTING)

(ADAM MOANING)

(EXHALES) Honey.

Wow.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Honey, I have to wash Max's bandana.

Huh? It's filthy.

If he's going to be a pirate,

at least he's going to be a clean pirate.

It's like, ring around the neck.

Oh, my God, and his behavioral aide

is going to be here at 10:00.

And we both need to be on the same page with all this stuff.

I have a thousand questions that I want to ask her.

And you know what else?

I forgot to tell you that Haddie has a biology test, you know.

And she has not even studied for it. Not once.

It's really getting me mad. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's doesn't even care about it. Hey, hey.

We just had morning sex,

like free, bonus, unadulterated, like pre-kid morning sex.

Uh-huh. It was nice. It was, uh...

Nice?

It was amazingly nice.

Amazingly nice?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Chop, chop. Let's go. Just meet me downstairs.

Nice?

Why does school start so early? 8:30, so dumb.

And Monday, why not start Tuesday?

Shouldn't we be the ones complaining? No?

Well, I'm just saying. Why start on Monday, why not start on Tuesday?

Can you pull over up here? Why?

What do you mean? School's up here. Just stop right here, please.

School's over there.

Are you kidding me?

I'm so embarrassing that I can't drop you off in front of school?

Kind of. (SCOFFS)

Morning.

BOTH: Hey!

Hi! Don't Mondays suck?

I was just saying that.

I literally just said that. That's so weird.

I'll see you in class. AMBER: Okay.

Bye. Bye. Bye, Mr. Cyr.

(BELL RINGING)

Hi.

Hey.

We just lost our key witness in our Downey Smith trial.

What are you doing here?

(CHUCKLES)

I got the results of the paternity test.

I didn't really want to open it by myself.

Oh.

So, maybe you could help out.

That's really sweet.

It's also kind of pathetic. Here.

You... There's no pictures of me at all in this whole office.

(SIGHS) You embarrassed to have me in the family?

Oh, by the way, I got you and Jabbar

into Joel's Wednesday play group.

Wait, you got us in?

There's a three-month wait list.

For a play group? How long is this going to take?

Come on, open it. Well, okay.

I mean, can't we work up to it?

Can you open it?

What are you in such a hurry for?

Are you afraid of being a father or not being a father?

Yes, both. You're a wimp.

You're a tyrant. Mmm-hmm.

You're welcome. Open it.

(MURMURING)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Um... (CLEARING THROAT)

He's mine.

I'm a father.

So, so... Phew!

(STAMMERING) What do I do now?

I mean, what's supposed to...

I got to buy a microwave and move to the suburbs?

Oh, my God. We got to tell Mom and Dad.

Yes, you do. No, wait.

We'll go together, you and I.

Grow up.

Growing up means asking for help, which I'm doing.

Oh, that's very mature of you,

but also grow up and do it yourself.

I don't think you've read one of those books.

I think that's all for show.

(LAUGHS)

You want to frame this for your office?

'Cause this might be the document that made me grow up.

It would look great here.

I mean, I know you don't want any pictures of me, so, maybe just this.

You'll be fine.

Hi. I'm Gaby.

Hi.

I'm Max's behavioral aide.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Come on in. Thanks.

ADAM: So, how do you usually start with a kid like Max?

GABY: Well, you guys tell me.

What would be most helpful to get started with?

There you go. It's hot. Thank you.

Uh, honey? KRISTINA: Have a seat.

What... What do you think?

Oh, God...

(CLEARS THROAT) I don't even know where to begin.

There are so many things, I mean...

Well, if there were a behavior of Max's

you could wave a wand and change, what would it be?

Well, how much would a wand like that cost?

Oh, gosh, in the mornings, it takes him a really long time to get ready.

Like a really long time.

His diet, he's got a very limited diet.

He'll only eat certain things, cooked in certain ways.

Right, like he'll only eat eggs

if they're cooked in the orange frying pan.

Is that sort of behavior normal for a kid with Asperger's?

The orange frying pan is new.

Oh, it's weird even for a kid with Asperger's.

Great.

And he has tantrums, temper tantrums, sometimes severe.

I don't know if I'd call them severe.

Biting? The fish tank?

All right. Yeah.

There was an incident. Okay.

Okay, tell me, how is he doing socially?

Does he have a lot of friends?

Does he have play dates?

No.

No.

Max doesn't really have any friends.

Okay. Why don't we start there?

That's good.

MAX: The horned lizard can squirt blood from its eyes.

The armadillo Lizard can curl itself up into a tight ball

to protect itself from attack. (TIMER BEEPING)

The sungazer lizard has spikes that cover its whole body.

And lots of lizards can change colors.

That's very cool, Max.

So, we've been doing what you want for 20 minutes.

It's time to try one of my games.

No way.

Hey, Max, be polite.

Max, you get to choose whichever one you want.

Oh, you know what, he doesn't like board games at all.

We've tried. Okay.

When you make a deal, he has to hold up his end of the bargain.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

All right, Max, check this out.

Cool. This is the deal, okay?

Every minute you play one of these games, you get a sticker.

I have a whole bunch of them in my bag here, all right?

So, you get up to 20 stickers,

cash them in, you get the book.

What do you say?

How about I get the book first, then we play the game?

I know how you feel, 'cause you know what,

I used to always want my dessert before my dinner.

And it always turned out, I had to have my veggies first, so...

Yep.

Forget it then.

Max, honey, you know what? Max.

Why don't we go get a cookie?

That might work. Yeah, sure.

No, no. No cookies. You got to stick with the plan.

(WHISPERING) You got to be firm. Okay? Okay.

Okay? Sorry. Yeah. Okay.

Max, no cookie today. The reward is the book.

I want the book.

So, we're going to have to play a game.

No, I want the book.

Okay, you know, when he has that tone...

When he has that tone all bets are off. That's okay.

He's gonna lose it. That's okay.

He's gonna lose it. That's okay.

Watch. Listen, Max, nothing here is going to change

unless you put Guacamole back in the cage.

You make the choice.

Sorry, Guacamole.

(LAUGHS)

Okay. Let's pick a game.

Hey.

Hey, Amber. What's up?

I was just wondering, um...

I know I didn't seem very excited about it in class,

but I was just wondering if you were still trying to get people

to join that weird literary magazine thingy, The Spectrum?

Yeah. Yeah, are you interested?

I mean, sure, I guess.

'Cause I have to have, like, extra-curricular activities anyway.

So, I might as well, like, right?

Oh, well, with a passionate plea like that, (CHUCKLES) How can I say no?

Yeah, that's great. That's fantastic.

So, I guess the next step is, we are formatting

tomorrow after school in the computer lab. So just...

Cool. ...go there.

Formatting in computer labs,

and here I thought it would be nerdy and lame.

(LAUGHING) Not at all.

And then we're going to be footnoting and end-noting.

And it's going to be so cool.

(LAUGHS) Great.

A bunch of cool people.

You have chalk on your...

Oh. Yeah.

It's a little occupational hazard.

I put it there on purpose. (LAUGHS)

Okay, bye.

All right, see you around. Thanks, Amber.

Okay.

Oh, this is new.

Has it been washed before?

Um, I don't think so.

Well, I should wash it separately.

No, you can wash it with all the other T's.

CAMILLE: Well, it's red, you know.

It'll bleed if it hasn't been washed before.

All right, well, if you don't mind, then I guess that's better.

I don't mind. Okay.

Jeez, didn't you do like eight loads here last week?

Jeez, did you get in a fight with a leaf blower?

He just wants to visit us and this is a good excuse.

Hey, I'm glad you're both here.

There's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Somebody's come into my life recently.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

What happened to Katie? She was a nice girl, Katie.

Yeah, nothing happened to Katie.

You know, this is kind of serious.

Well, isn't it always serious?

For the first week and a half. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

I'm so glad I can entertain you.

Oh, come on, we're only joking.

Tell us all about her.

You know what, I got to run to the studio.

I'll tell you when I'm through with that.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Ooh, sorry. Sorry. Can you grab the...

Hi, what'll you have?

(STUTTERING) I'm okay. Um...

Can we talk for just one second, maybe over here?

Yeah. Sorry.

No, no. One second.

Is, uh... Very short.

Is everything okay with Amber?

No, yeah, she's fine.

No, I'm actually, I'm here on my own behalf.

I just wanted to

say...

And this is really lame and probably embarrassing for me,

but, um, I'm going to say it.

I...

I really like you, and...

Hey, Sarah, can I get another drink down here, please?

Just one second. I'm sorry. Go on.

That's fine. You know, I've been thinking about you since we met.

And, you just... You make me laugh.

And you make me feel good.

And I just feel that... (CHUCKLES)

MAN: Sarah! ...there's something...

So sorry. Don't. Please don't.

I'll tell you in a second. After you... Okay.

Take care of your customer.

Yes, yes, another one?

Yeah. Okay.

SARAH: That's on the house. Okay.

MAN: Oh, sweet. Ooh. SARAH: Try that, yeah.

So. Hi.

Okay, so I, um...

I just sense that there's this connection even though, you know,

I, whatever, I...

Fall asleep when you try to count to my age?

(LAUGHING)

No, no, despite that, I...

(STUTTERING) I teach your daughter.

I have a daughter?

(LAUGHING)

Um, so I wanted to give you this.

Um, and I know that texting is the thing

that most of the kids are doing nowadays,

but I think there's something more romantic about, um,

pen and paper.

But, don't open it right now.

I'm gonna go. Okay.

And, uh, yeah.

It was nice to see you. And just follow the directions.

All right, teach.

(LAUGHS) All right. I am gonna go.

I like your seahorse.

Thanks. Nice to seahorse you.

(CYR LAUGHING)

MAN: Hey, Sarah?

Okay. You forgot the ice.

Oh, yeah?

Ice, ice.

You're asking for my advice?

It's true.

Aw, this is so great. I know.

You never come to me.

Well, you know.

Huh.

There's a first for everything.

What's next? You asking me for advice?

Yeah, maybe. (LAUGHING)

Oh, sorry. Go. What is it?

I met someone.

Uh-huh.

And, um, he's... He's great.

He's Amber's teacher. And he's kind of young.

Is he legal?

Age? Yeah.

Yeah. He's 26. Gross.

Oh, okay. Oh, he's married.

What? No!

Then what are you asking me about?

You're all systems go. Is that it?

Do you not understand the subtlety of the situation?

Yeah. What about Amber?

The guy's younger than Julia.

He's younger than me by a lot.

Look. (CLEARING THROAT)

You want to say, "Yes." I do.

That's why you're asking me.

If you wanted to say, "No,"

you would ask Dudley Do-Right or Judge Julia.

You don't think it's weird?

No way.

No rules. No.

Ha! I didn't read a rule book.

Thank you so much.

Yeah. I feel much better.

Hey, this went pretty good, huh?

I know. Yeah. Right?

For a trial run? Pretty good.

Maybe I'll start asking you for all kinds of advice.

So, you know, any time you want advice.

Oh, really? All right. Okay. Yeah.

And, just, you know, maybe to make it even,

I'm just throwing this out there, but what if you came with me

to tell Mom and Dad about Jabbar?

(SCOFFS) What? No.

Well, then you owe me one, something else. Think about it.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks for your advice. Tell them yourself, you freak.

Right. Yeah.

MAX: A standard issue gun in the military is the M4A1.

Now, that's one of the most famous assault rifles there is. Also...

ADAM: This is great.

I canceled a meeting to find out

that we're paying $30 an hour for a babysitter.

This is costing us a lot of money... I know.

...Kristina, that's all. I understand.

I just want to see some results. That's all. I know.

Well, do you have a gun?

I do not have a gun, Max.

Well, if you are going to get a gun,

the AK-47 is the best assault rifle...

ADAM: This is great, she's playing ball with him

and looking up the hill.

Hey, Max.

Looks like that girl over there wants to play some four square.

Over there by the tree. MAX: Why?

Why don't you go ask her if she wants to play?

I'll just play with you.

Actually, no.

I'll just play with you. (SCOFFS)

MAX: I'll just play with you! She's going to try to get him

to play with the kid. Right.

That girl by the tree. Yeah. Good luck.

Yeah, a blizzard's coming our way today, too.

(LAUGHING) Mmm-hmm.

And you get a lizard on the way home.

What kind of lizard?

GABY: Any lizard you want.

Okay.

You know how many times I've tried this?

GABY: And now remember, look her in the eye, okay?

And don't forget to give her a smile.

Hi, I'm Max.

I'm Jessica.

Huh.

Oh, uh, do you want to play four-square?

Sure.

(WHISPERS) I did it. You did it.

You get your lizard.

How about that?

Hey, you know, she just got lucky.

No, she didn't.

ADAM: Sweetie.

(ROARING)

The dragon is hungry!

(ROARING)

Isn't he amazing?

All kids should have a male role-model like Joel.

Yeah, he's really great with them, huh?

It's a gift.

He's like a rock star.

Big time.

JOEL: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh.

It looks like the princess has some ants on a log for all of you!

Okay! Look what Joel made everybody.

JOEL: Who wants some of those?

KIDS: Me!

Yeah!

Okay, okay. You want to do that?

Oh, absolutely.

Do you need anything? I'm good.

I'm good.

Oh, look at this.

She's the president of his fan club here.

Okay, you good?

(CHUCKLING)

He's having a ball.

Mmm-hmm.

I just... I don't know how you did it.

I mean, I've been trying to do this for so long.

And I'm... I'm just amazed.

Do you want a snack, an apple or something? I have tons.

How are you?

How am I? Yeah, how are you doing?

I'm good.

But I mean like...

I'm good. I promise.

It's just so nice to see Max play with other kids, you know.

(CLEARING THROAT)

And you helped him do it.

Mmm-hmm.

You did.

None of this is easy, you know.

I'm sorry, I just feel like a loser.

I feel like a total loser.

I've been trying to do this for so long and I've...

You make it seem so easy. Mmm.

I mean, just watching... (SNIFFLES)

It's not. It's hard.

And I only work with him a few hours a day.

This is your life, you know.

I don't know how you do it.

I know. I... Well...

That's what nobody gets. I try to explain...

Just the worry, the worry never goes away.

Like I... I find myself up late at night just worrying about Max.

And is there something we should have tried?

Something we should try?

When I'm not worried about him,

I'm worried about the fact that I'm not worried about Haddie.

When I'm not worried about Haddie,

it's just like it never stops, you know.

Adam and I, maybe we get a chance

to spend some time alone, just together.

Yeah. Some miracle chance.

It's like, I cannot stop worrying long enough to enjoy anything.

Anything like a movie or a nice dinner or sex, if...

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I should... No, no, no, no.

I'm so sorry. (CHUCKLES)

It's okay.

Don't tell him I said that. I won't.

'Cause he does satisfy me.

I'm sure he does. A lot.

He's got a good one.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay. Never mind.

Listen, you need to relax.

Oh, my God.

Honestly, you're too hard on yourself.

You need to just cut yourself some slack and relax.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Okay, okay.

Then, I'm going to go to Hawaii and you can raise my son.

I'll babysit, how about that?

Okay. Okay.

Thanks. Okay. (LAUGHING)

Yeah, I don't think that they're going to spring anything on you.

The deposition is now set for Thursday morning.

And we're going to go over all of it

at the briefing beforehand. Thank you.

You know what, can I call you back about this?

Just give me a couple of minutes,

something has come up in the family.

I... I will call you right back.

Thank you. For what?

The play group was inspirational. Yeah.

I mean, wow. Your husband is a rock star.

He is, isn't he?

Yeah. Oh, I mean, no disrespect to Dad, but it's like

I finally have a role-model now.

You know, someone I want to be like as a dad.

Oh, my God. Adam's a good dad.

Well, yeah, he's a great dad. But he's not a rock star.

Joel, on the other hand, wow!

Wait. Okay, what do you mean by rock star?

Well, he's worshipped.

Oh, yeah.

Like a deity.

Yeah, the kids love him.

Well, not just the kids, believe me.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

No, no, you said "worshipped." Who worships him?

You know, the, um...

(SIGHS)

(STUTTERING) The kids, and the two gay dads,

Timmy and Tony or whatever, and me.

Yeah. And the other moms.

Which other moms? All the other moms.

All the other moms?

Well, no, not all of them.

Racquel? Is it Racquel?

I really couldn't say.

Oh, you're such a bad liar.

I know. Uh, so...

I... Listen. So, come on!

So, so, what is she like when I'm not around?

Look, I don't know.

Does she flirt?

Well, you know, how does one define "flirting" these days?

Gazing, smiling, touching, smiling again. Mmm-hmm.

Providing multiple beverages.

Check.

Yeah? Yeah.

And ants on a log.

But it's totally harmless. I mean, Joel would never...

Oh, I know. It's fine.

It's... It's completely fine.

Okay, good. So give me details.

Look, I... I don't really want to go down this road with you.

I'm new to the play group. And it's just like,

the first rule of play group is there is no play group.

You're going to have to find another source.

That's cool. I got what I need, Crosby.

CROSBY: Good luck.

I've never played that.

Yeah, it's not that hard to play, though.

It's not? Yeah. And he's actually pretty good at it.

KRISTINA: Will you teach me? HADDIE: I think...

Hey, sorry I'm late. HADDIE: You don't really care, come on.

(KRISTINA CHUCKLING)

There is no way. KRISTINA: Well, you should.

I swear to God. Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Hey, Dad? Yeah?

Is it okay if I go over to Jenna's? Yeah, sure.

HADDIE: Okay. Thank you. I told her she could.

Hey, buddy.

I played with a girl at the park today

and so I got a lizard. And tomorrow I'm going to get bugs.

He did so good. That's great.

Wow.

Hi. Hi.

Good day? Very good day.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. And, uh, everything's working out?

Yeah, everything's good.

You got a plan for tomorrow? Everything's working out.

Should I get some more of those index cards?

Sure. KRISTINA: Okay, perfect.

Everything is progressing all right?

Yes, everything's going great.

You guys just need to relax.

Thank you so much. ADAM: Okay.

You're welcome. KRISTINA: You're a gem.

You relax tonight. You got to relax. Huh?

Mmm. All right.

All right? KRISTINA: Okay.

ADAM: Thank you.

Mum's the word.

Bye.

She's working out great.

It looks like everything is getting a lot better.

Oh, yes.

That's great.

They went so much better. You don't even understand.

Oh, my gosh. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, wow, that early morning shoulder massage is paying off.

Honey, Max played with this little girl for hours.

Yeah?

And hours. Uh-huh.

Is that what's making you all frisky? Max's play date?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, no, I just...

I was so wrong about her. I mean, she is like the best thing ever.

Uh-huh. I can't even... Oh, she's great.

Yeah? She's great. Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHS)

What was that little wink, wink, nudge, nudge all about?

Where?

You know, the little, "relax tonight,"

and that little wink she gave you there. Oh.

I just had a little... I had a little meltdown earlier. Nothing big.

Honey, you doing okay?

I just, you know, sort of ended up unloading on Gaby

about how stressed I am, we are,

and how worried I am all the time.

And how sometimes, you know,

it's hard for us to connect certain ways.

And she was really helpful.

What do you mean?

How when we have certain times together, and I can't relax.

Kristina, we're keeping our private life private, right?

You're not talking about sex? Honey, of course.

Kristina, are you talking about our sex life? A little bit.

(STUTTERING) It's a natural thing.

It came up once and it was just it.

She brought it up.

Well, what exactly are you telling her?

I mean, you're not saying that you're not enjoying it?

(LAUGHS) No, no. Why would I tell her that?

Wait, wait... But I mean... That's so dumb.

You are, aren't you? You've been enjoying it? Honey.

I mean, you've been satisfied? Will you relax?

I'm relaxed. Yes. Yeah, I'm enjoying it.

Uh-huh? You're satisfied? A lot.

Yes.

You sure? Yes.

Wait a minute. Feeling sexy.

What did you tell her?

What did I tell her when?

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm starting to get sweaty. What?

Have you, have you been...

Faking it?

(SCOFFS)

Well, that doesn't look good.

I did not say that. No, clearly.

I did not say that. Clearly you have been.

Why have... Why would you do that?

Honey, once in a while I do.

You know, I don't... I don't want you

to think that I... I don't want you to fake it.

I want you to have, you know... I don't want you

to think that I don't appreciate the effort. A healthy...

The effort? What, like it's a science project?

'Cause you do a good job.

I don't need you to comfort me by faking it.

Honey, I feel good. Why don't you sit down and eat or drink?

Drink, why don't you drink something?

Why would you tell her about that?

I... She listened to me and she opened up.

(STUTTERING) So, just now. I mean, you were faking it just before?

Honey, understand something,

I feel better today than I've felt in so long.

How about that time after the Jon Stewart Daily Show, that was pretty intense.

That was the real deal, right?

Yeah.

I mean, you weren't faking it then, were you?

No. I swear.

You sure? Yeah.

Yeah.

I just, you know, I want to be able to know

that you're really satisfied.

JOEL: Whoa, you're home early.

I am.

Crosby said he had a good time at the play date.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

He called you a rock star.

Really? Crosby said something nice about me, huh?

That's a first.

In fact, he used the word "worshipped."

Why does that not sound like a good thing?

Did Racquel hit on you?

Is that what Crosby said?

He didn't have to. I inferred.

No, she did not hit on me.

She didn't. I swear, Julia.

So, you're saying I have nothing to worry about?

There's nothing to worry about. Yeah.

She didn't hit on you? No.

She's never hit on you?

Joel?

Okay. All right.

Nothing happened.

A couple of months ago, she got a little, um...

And I shut it down, totally.

And that was it.

How could she? How could... You're a father.

You know, our daughters are best friends.

How could she... What did you do?

Her husband was out of town on work. You were working late.

The girls fell asleep.

And, uh, I guess she started talking to me about troubles in her marriage.

And, I listened. And she...

She misinterpreted.

And...

And what?

She kissed you.

Joel, did she kiss you?

She tried.

I stopped it.

End of story.

Wow.

(INHALES)

Wow.

How come you didn't tell me?

I didn't want things to get weird.

I thought I was insane for being jealous of her.

You let me think that I was insane.

Harmony is Sydney's best friend, Julia.

And you're using our daughter as your excuse for not telling me?

Yeah, yeah, because it's the truth.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't want that woman in our lives.

Oh, come on, Julia.

Is that too much to ask?

(SIGHS)

You take away Racquel, you take away Harmony.

And our daughter is left without her best friend.

Our daughter is five years old

and she will make new friends, right?

Come on. What if I was at work every day

with a guy who hit on me?

Okay?

So, um...

Do you want to tell Sydney or should I?

I'll tell her.

You put this on you and then you carry it.

I'll tell her tomorrow.

Sorry.

JULIA: Thank you. Okay.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. What are you doing?

Nothing. What are you doing?

I'm just dropping this stuff off for Dad.

Oh, yeah? Where is everybody?

Oh, God, I don't know. Crosby went somewhere with Mom and Dad.

And Drew's avoiding me like always.

And Amber is really, really late coming home from school.

And she's probably smoking or drinking or

(SIGHS) stealing something. I don't know, so.

Have you ever faked an orgasm?

What? Just address the question, please.

I don't know that it's a question I want to answer.

You're my sister, just answer the question, would you?

No, I haven't had to.

Cool.

(CHUCKLES)

Wait, wait. Why are you asking?

No reason.

Oh, no, no. All right.

Unless... I'm out of here.

No, no. Wait, I'm just kidding.

Of course I have.

And if someone in your life has, that's okay, too.

Well, you have? Yes, of course.

Everybody has. Well, when?

I don't know. A couple of different times. Why?

A couple of different reasons. Well, can you name them?

I mean, I don't... I just don't get it.

(SIGHS)

It's like, we don't want you to feel bad.

God, this is just horrible.

What, are you all in on this? It's not horrible.

It's not horrible. We're not all in on it.

She shouldn't have told you, first of all.

That breaks the code right there.

Well, how am I supposed to tell?

You can't tell, honey. It's fake.

Sorry. Well, I don't get it.

I really don't get it. I mean, why fake it at all?

'Cause it's too long to explain in the moment.

It's like, you just kind of, you know,

put on a happy face and just, you know, better luck next time.

But it's a lie. Yeah.

It's an act. But it's not a lie.

It is an act. But it's an act of something positive.

It's an act of generosity. It's a gift.

A gift? Yes!

How is faking it a gift?

Because it says to you, "Thank you so much for trying.

"Please come again soon. Come again as soon as you possibly..."

Hi. Hi.

Hey. Uh, okay, thanks.

So, just tell Dad, shoes... So, come back again...

Light bulbs. ...next time.

And I'll just give him those. Okay. Yes, goodbye.

(DOOR OPENS)

Where have you been?

School.

Where were you? Just tell me.

I was seriously at school this time.

Doing what?

Extra credit stuff.

I was formatting in the computer lab, if you must know.

I don't even understand that. What does that mean?

It's extra credit for school, okay?

Mr. Cyr, my English teacher. Oh.

Okay? For Mr. Cyr?

Yeah. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Extra credit.

Yeah. No big deal. That's good.

Oh, I know. I'm just...

(STUTTERING) I'm proud of you, you know.

Extra credit, that's extra.

Okay. You don't have to do that.

Don't be weird. I'm not weird.

CAMILLE: Little scoop of ice cream.

CROSBY: Right. CAMILLE: You know, like this big.

You want it 50l50?

Oh. At least 50l50.

Yeah, yeah, maybe even more ice cream.

Hey, this is on me. Huh?

I got this. I got this one.

That's unprecedented.

It's my way of saying, thank you,

for all the nice things you guys do for me.

That's very sweet of you.

Oh, man, this is embarrassing.

Can you float me 40?

Dad, I... Dad, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Really? Yeah, I have it.

(LAUGHING)

Listen, you know the care packages, and the laundry,

and the boat repairs, I know you think I take it for granted.

But I don't. I... I appreciate it. I really do.

You feeling okay?

Yeah, I feel great.

I also want to say

that I'm not going to be such a burden anymore to you guys.

Well, I wouldn't say you've been a burden.

Define burden.

I've been working more hours.

And I've been... I've been putting away some cash.

I'm preparing for the next stage in my life.

Crosby, you're starting to scare the hell out of me.

Us, actually.

It's not bad. It's, uh... It's a good thing.

It's a really good thing.

You know, people would say it's a great thing.

Uh...

I have a son.

You what?

I'm a father.

So, you and Crazy Katie hit the jackpot then, right?

No, no. It's not...

It's not Crazy Katie and I.

You shouldn't call her that. That's a little rough.

You call her that.

This is... It's another woman

from a few years ago, who's a dancer.

ZEEK: Uh-huh.

And she was touring the Bay Area.

And we had some fun.

And, you know how I feel about dancers.

She swings on...

She doesn't dance with a pole.

She's like a... You know, ballet.

Anyways, look, I didn't know she got pregnant.

And then she showed up a few months ago with a boy.

He's five years old.

And you...

You're serious?

Yeah. Yes.

You're sure he's yours?

I mean, you've had the test and everything.

Yeah. I'm sure he's mine.

He's... He's amazing.

I mean, you're gonna love him.

He's really great.

Wow, Crosby.

You're a dad.

Yeah, I know it's crazy.

But I'm really taking this thing seriously.

And that's what I meant about a new stage in my life.

Like, I... This is me now. Crosby the dad.

And I'm going to be more responsible and independent.

Mom, please say something.

You look like you're gonna...

Does he look like you? 'Cause you were just the cutest kid ever.

(STUTTERING) He looks... Yeah, he looks like me.

I'm just so happy for you, for all of us.

When do we get to meet him?

I'll ask his mom when he has some free time.

What's his name? Jabbar.

(LAUGHS) Jabbar?

Yeah, Jabbar. Jabbar.

Jabbar.

What kind of name is Jabbar?

What the hell kind of name is Zeek?

It doesn't matter what... The name doesn't matter.

Okay, what's his last name? Is it Braverman?

It better be Braverman. Jabbar Braverman?

I'm working on that.

(LAUGHING) Oh.

Where are you going?

You're a daddy. Oh, I can't believe it.

CROSBY: I know. Me neither.

(BILLING MACHINE WHIRRING)

CYR: Hey.

Hi.

Um... Hey.

Hi. I just... I've been thinking about the note.

(SIGHS)

I know. I'm sorry.

No need to apologize.

I think you're right. Maybe it was a little too complicated.

I mean, three options is a lot of options. It's...

It's overwhelming. I understand.

Yeah.

I'm just not good with multiple choice.

No, no, this is... This is my fault.

I mean, these choices are ridiculous.

"Maybe"? What the hell is that?

That's not a real choice.

It's just confusing.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I was just trying to write something.

So, I was thinking I should just be more direct next time.

Hmm.

Will you go out with me?

That is the correct answer.

I... I won't interrupt anymore.

CROSBY: You ready, buddy?

Let's go. Let's go. Beautiful.

CROSBY: Hey, guys. Oh, they're here.

ZEEK: Hey.

We're here.

Oh, wow.

This is Jabbar.

Jabbar.

Hi, Mr. And Mrs. Braverman.

Oh. (ZEEK LAUGHING)

He has your smile.

This is Grandma Camille.

Hi. Hello, Jabbar.

And that tall sucker is Grandpa Zeek.

Jabbar, how are you? Hey, you got a good handshake.

JABBAR: (LAUGHS) All right.

You can call me Grandma.

Okay.

Come here. You hungry?

We're barbecuing on the grill. Some chicken.

What do you think? Whoa.

It's really hard to put into words. Yeah. Yeah.

CROSBY: Right. I've been there.

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Would you mind if I borrowed your toothbrush?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Why? Why do you need my toothbrush?

Oh, I ran out of eggs this morning, so I ate my gym socks.

(KIDS LAUGHING) Your gym socks?

That's amazing.

He looks so grown up.

Yeah, who'd have thought?

I got it from my grandpa.

Oh, who's that?

Orville Red-and-sockers.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oopsies. Now, if you don't eat popcorn, what do you eat?

I like the softer foods, pears, plums, toothpaste.

Toothpaste? Who eats toothpaste?

All the people with great breath eat toothpaste.

This is amazing.

CROSBY: What's your favorite brand of toothpaste?

Oh. Would you look at that?

Does that just melt your heart, or what? (CHUCKLES)

You know, I was thinking of signing Harmony up for a pottery class.

You know, working with clay

just grounds you to the earth.

CROSBY: Oh, I don't have one of those customer cards

that gives you a discount.

Mmm, they're not hard to get.

There's no credit check?

(ALL CHUCKLING)

No, well at least they didn't run me through one.

Maybe the girls can do it together.

Oh, Harmony would love that.

Yeah, I'm sure Sydney would, too.

Yeah.

My name is Pete.

CAMILLE: Okay, close your eyes.

Oh, okay. Close your eyes.

Well, that was my mouth, but okay.

All right, open them now.

Ta-da!

(HORN BLOWING)

Huh?

Aw, you still have that? Whoa!

Oh, man.

That was your dad's when he was your age.

It's for me?

You betcha. Hop on.

Maybe your dad will teach you some tricks on it.

Yeah, but I don't want you doing any wheelies,

'cause your dad broke three teeth and a lot of brain cells, you know.

Don't remind me.

I gained glory, though.

Can you do this? Yeah.

You already know how? Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to help you out to the street, all right?

ZEEK: Easy does it.

(GRUNTING)

ZEEK: Hey, you look good on that.

Grandpa, Grandma, are you watching?

We're watching. Okay.

All right, you're ready? Yeah.

All right, let's do it. (WHOOPING)

Peddling. Come on, Jabbar!

(JABBAR WHOOPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

KRISTINA: (MOANING) Holy crap.

(ADAM MOANING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Oh, my God, Adam. Oh.

That definitely beat the time after The Daily Show.

Oh, yeah.

And the time after Leno.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So, I'm just going to say that felt like the real deal.

Am I right? Yeah, you're right.

Yep. You are right.

But even if it wasn't, you'd probably say that it was?

Okay, but it was the real deal, honey.

It was. Definitely?

Yes. Uh-huh.

"Definitely" definitely?

Uh-huh. Adam?

I haven't felt this relaxed in two months.

Please don't ruin it.

(CHUCKLES)