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Shut up! It's starting!
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The Springfield Atoms have earned
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00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,249
the number-one pick
in this year's draft,
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00:00:25,267 --> 00:00:29,153
after intentionally losing
every game last season.
5
00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:32,105
Nobody tanks like Springfield...
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00:00:32,258 --> 00:00:34,199
City of Intentional Losers.
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Tank! Tank! Tank!
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And with the first pick
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of the draft,
the Springfield Atoms select...
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00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:42,966
Grayson Mathers.
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All right!
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Yeah! All right!
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00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,236
We have witnessed the most
beautiful birth in the world...
14
00:00:54,463 --> 00:00:56,646
that of a football dynasty.
15
00:00:56,740 --> 00:01:00,742
Let's show Philadelphia what a
real victory riot looks like!
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What a needless tragedy.
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00:01:12,923 --> 00:01:15,331
You say our corporate revenue is down?
18
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Well, the losses are all
coming from one division...
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00:01:18,095 --> 00:01:19,261
your liquor company.
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Sales of Mr. Gentleman Brandy
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have reached zero and are
only projected to go down.
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Impossible.
23
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Mr. Gentleman is sipped by every trustee
24
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of the Narragansett Whale Oil Concern.
25
00:01:28,772 --> 00:01:31,255
Well, maybe the problem
is the ad campaign.
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It's encouraging consuming
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as little of the liquor as possible.
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Ah. That'll hold me for quite a while.
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So, I brought in a branding expert
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to reimagine Mr. Gentleman.
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These days,
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which in the branding business
is called "the present,"
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the only liquor brands people care about
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are endorsed by big celebrities.
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People think, "If I buy this tequila,
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then I'm as fun as George Clooney."
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Or, "I need to be
more smug and unbearable.
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00:01:57,559 --> 00:01:59,784
Hey, Ryan Reynolds has a gin."
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00:01:59,803 --> 00:02:03,120
So we find the perfect celebrity
to represent my brandy.
40
00:02:03,198 --> 00:02:04,306
But who?
41
00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:06,123
What about Harrison Ford?
42
00:02:06,176 --> 00:02:08,051
- Too Hollywood.
- Dolly Parton?
43
00:02:08,145 --> 00:02:10,127
- Too Dollywood.
- With that, we end the list
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00:02:10,222 --> 00:02:12,463
of every celebrity who
does not already have
45
00:02:12,483 --> 00:02:13,890
an existing liquor company.
46
00:02:13,984 --> 00:02:17,227
So what we need is
a brand-new celebrity,
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one adored by the common man.
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Grayson Mathers!
49
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,809
Grayson Mathers! Grayson Mathers!
50
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Grayson! Grayson, some have dubbed you
51
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"The Savior of Springfield Football".
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Isn't that a lot of
pressure for a rookie?
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I do me.
54
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If you don't like it, that's on you.
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Mm-hmm.
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00:02:37,249 --> 00:02:38,656
Grayson, some people are put off
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by your tell-it-like-it-is attitude.
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00:02:40,252 --> 00:02:41,325
What do you say to them?
59
00:02:41,345 --> 00:02:42,493
I'm an open book,
60
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,328
but the media and haters
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00:02:44,348 --> 00:02:46,330
and people who have
never played the game,
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00:02:47,060 --> 00:02:49,351
I carry myself with
a certain confidence,
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00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,669
and I don't apologize
for your perception
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of statements I did not make,
but stand by.
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Truth bomb.
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00:02:57,027 --> 00:02:59,012
I sleep at night.
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00:02:59,047 --> 00:03:00,253
What did you just say?
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I do me.
69
00:03:03,885 --> 00:03:05,867
Man, that dude keeps it so real.
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00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,277
He's all, "This is me.
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00:03:07,371 --> 00:03:09,429
I don't apologize. What up, haters?"
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He does him.
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00:03:11,616 --> 00:03:14,191
I wish I was half as myself as he is.
74
00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:18,271
They adore this pigskin-tossing
football thrower.
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00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:19,956
He's brash, outspoken,
76
00:03:20,108 --> 00:03:21,941
willfully uninformed.
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He has no filter.
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00:03:23,387 --> 00:03:26,129
In our sanitized, clickbait-ready,
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00:03:26,281 --> 00:03:27,297
media-driven world,
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00:03:27,449 --> 00:03:29,949
what people crave is authenticity.
81
00:03:29,951 --> 00:03:32,227
If you don't believe me,
look at the metrics.
82
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,144
Now you believe me.
83
00:03:34,179 --> 00:03:36,122
Why didn't you mention
any of this before?
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00:03:36,215 --> 00:03:39,050
I don't know.
85
00:03:39,144 --> 00:03:42,478
This bad boy must be the new
face of my brandy company.
86
00:03:42,631 --> 00:03:44,239
Smithers, hire him at once.
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00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,700
And get rid of this.
88
00:03:48,745 --> 00:03:50,227
But my metrics!
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00:03:51,682 --> 00:03:52,682
_
90
00:03:55,977 --> 00:03:58,736
I got no problem being me.
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00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,237
Opinions exist.
92
00:04:00,332 --> 00:04:01,590
Think about it.
93
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,426
Do you seriously doubt
I know what I'm like?
94
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:06,410
And when it comes to brandy,
95
00:04:06,430 --> 00:04:07,929
go ahead and sip.
96
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,130
Me?
97
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:10,682
I'll chug.
98
00:04:11,843 --> 00:04:13,159
I do me.
99
00:04:13,178 --> 00:04:14,769
You do you...
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00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,521
my way.
101
00:04:18,066 --> 00:04:19,656
Congratulations, my boy.
102
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,177
You are the face of America's
most marked-up trash liquor.
103
00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:25,421
There's one thing that's
unique about me...
104
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,682
I've always admired rich people.
105
00:04:27,909 --> 00:04:30,576
And now I'm getting paid by one.
106
00:04:30,669 --> 00:04:31,686
That's on you.
107
00:04:32,482 --> 00:04:34,022
Aw, come on, Burnsy.
108
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Bring it in.
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Yeah. I got you, bro.
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So this is what it feels
like to be brought in.
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Cheers!
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To the money that comes from business.
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To friendship hugs.
114
00:04:56,812 --> 00:04:58,938
Well, first game of the season tomorrow,
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so I'd better hit the Hay.
116
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,749
That's the name of
the club I'm going to.
117
00:05:01,976 --> 00:05:03,033
Then I'm gonna hit the Sack.
118
00:05:03,127 --> 00:05:05,178
That's where the after-party is.
119
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There he is, kids.
120
00:05:11,953 --> 00:05:14,228
The QB who will one day
take us to the Super Bowl,
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00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,455
own several local car dealerships
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00:05:16,474 --> 00:05:19,625
and host a middling Saturday Night Live.
123
00:05:19,644 --> 00:05:22,236
Oh, look at that baby face.
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I hope there's no tackling today.
125
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,226
Babyface looks a little hungover, Mom.
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Geez. He's kind of got
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that "Dad asleep in his car
outside Moe's" look going.
128
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,417
The icy stare of a born winner?
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00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:38,586
Yes. That one.
130
00:05:39,814 --> 00:05:42,982
And so begins a new
era in Atoms football.
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The golden child's mighty arm
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shall spiral a grim warning
to all who would oppose him.
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Hut, hut! Hike!
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Oh, God.
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00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,150
- Get off the field!
- Boo! - You suck!
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00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:03,760
Oh, my God.
137
00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:07,431
The 22-year-old I bet
all my happiness on
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00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,009
is nothing but a bust!
139
00:06:10,027 --> 00:06:12,011
Bust! Bust! Bust! Bust!
140
00:06:12,029 --> 00:06:14,122
But you were just cheering for him.
141
00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:15,772
You've been talking
about how great he is
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every day for months.
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00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,942
But he's sucking.
144
00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,444
It's the second-best thing he could do
145
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:22,130
next to playing great.
146
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How dare they jeer that boy?
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He's like the arrogant,
out-of-control son
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I never sent to boarding
school and forgot about.
149
00:06:30,548 --> 00:06:33,716
And Grayson Mathers
has just been benched.
150
00:06:33,868 --> 00:06:37,145
And here comes the Haterade.
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00:06:37,372 --> 00:06:38,537
Aah!
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00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,708
Boo an angel, why don't you?
153
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Thunder-stick him!
154
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There are far worse
things to be buried under.
155
00:06:57,149 --> 00:07:00,877
Launch the souvenir loaded nachos!
156
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:12,071
Ah. Nothing like a nice
body-temperature bath.
157
00:07:12,164 --> 00:07:13,830
I've never been booed before.
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00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,908
Not even when I trolled
the Florida State fans
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by dancing on their coach.
160
00:07:17,595 --> 00:07:20,429
Am I, like, a loser now?
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00:07:20,581 --> 00:07:22,415
If I am a loser,
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then maybe I shouldn't be...
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00:07:24,435 --> 00:07:26,602
- doing me.
- Pish posh.
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Doing you is what you do best.
165
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And I'll prove it,
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by putting you in front
of an adoring crowd.
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00:07:33,945 --> 00:07:35,686
Captain Underpants here!
168
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:36,853
Wimpy Kid!
169
00:07:36,948 --> 00:07:38,539
I got Narnia!
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Goosebumps here!
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Our guest has achieved great
things in life by hard work
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and being six-foot-four.
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Please welcome Grayson Mathers.
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00:07:51,446 --> 00:07:53,612
Your principal brought
me here to tell you
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that school is important.
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00:07:55,616 --> 00:07:56,966
But I got to keep it real.
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00:07:57,060 --> 00:08:00,135
This is the first time
I've ever been in a school,
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00:08:00,288 --> 00:08:03,622
and I own three identical Ferraris!
179
00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:05,458
That's wassup!
180
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:10,071
I have a question.
181
00:08:10,222 --> 00:08:11,464
You suck!
182
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,725
You're garbage outside the pocket!
183
00:08:14,819 --> 00:08:16,911
Your average depth of target is a joke.
184
00:08:17,062 --> 00:08:18,487
Bust! Bust! Bust!
185
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,307
The children are destroying
him with their hot takes!
186
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,400
Bust! Bust! Bust!
187
00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:24,752
Shut up, you stupid kids!
188
00:08:24,903 --> 00:08:26,921
I'm a man! A football man!
189
00:08:27,148 --> 00:08:28,756
All I throw is dimes!
190
00:08:28,983 --> 00:08:29,999
Here's a dime for you!
191
00:08:30,151 --> 00:08:31,926
A dime for you!
192
00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:33,319
Nothin' but dimes!
193
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:34,417
Boom! Dime!
194
00:08:35,490 --> 00:08:36,597
Boom! Dime!
195
00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:38,173
Oh!
196
00:08:38,326 --> 00:08:41,510
The Madagascar hissing
cockroaches are loose!
197
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,426
All I drink is brandy!
198
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:53,096
My urethra is on fire!
199
00:08:55,693 --> 00:08:58,193
I heard what you said
about your urethra.
200
00:08:58,346 --> 00:09:00,012
Are you feeling okay?
201
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:01,680
I'm fine. Beat it, media.
202
00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:02,957
You listen here, young man.
203
00:09:03,108 --> 00:09:05,275
Just because you're embarrassed
by your own behavior
204
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,110
is no reason to lash out at me.
205
00:09:07,279 --> 00:09:09,855
I'm the one person in town
who feels sorry for you,
206
00:09:09,948 --> 00:09:11,615
and even I've about had it.
207
00:09:11,709 --> 00:09:13,450
Now apologize.
208
00:09:13,544 --> 00:09:14,618
I'm sorry.
209
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,453
Um... ma'am.
210
00:09:16,547 --> 00:09:19,122
Good. Now, tell me what's wrong.
211
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,767
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
212
00:09:20,802 --> 00:09:22,959
I can't stop partying. I barely sleep.
213
00:09:22,994 --> 00:09:24,537
I called Peyton Manning a
chicken-fried Frankenstein
214
00:09:24,555 --> 00:09:25,704
on Twitter.
215
00:09:25,723 --> 00:09:27,389
I-I'm doing me more than ever.
216
00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,257
So why don't I play good?
217
00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,467
Oh, sweetie.
218
00:09:30,561 --> 00:09:33,470
It sounds like you
just need to slow down.
219
00:09:35,049 --> 00:09:37,808
I actually have six identical Ferraris.
220
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:40,402
I want to own all the blue ones.
221
00:09:43,348 --> 00:09:44,940
I know what's wrong with you.
222
00:09:45,092 --> 00:09:46,942
Not enough Ferraris.
223
00:09:47,094 --> 00:09:49,762
What this boy needs
is a home-cooked meal
224
00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:51,764
and a good night's sleep.
225
00:09:51,782 --> 00:09:53,023
At my house.
226
00:09:53,117 --> 00:09:55,859
A partnership betwixt a man and a woman
227
00:09:55,936 --> 00:09:58,361
to provide for the
care of a young person.
228
00:09:58,455 --> 00:10:00,455
You supply the nurturing home life,
229
00:10:00,608 --> 00:10:02,383
and I'll be the emotionally-withholding
230
00:10:02,534 --> 00:10:04,610
yet somehow worshipped father figure.
231
00:10:04,628 --> 00:10:06,779
It's a deal.
232
00:10:06,797 --> 00:10:08,614
You're coming home with me.
233
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:11,058
I really want to,
but I'm kind of supposed to get into it
234
00:10:11,209 --> 00:10:13,468
with some hockey players
outside a strip club later.
235
00:10:13,621 --> 00:10:16,397
I'll call them and
tell them you're sick.
236
00:10:18,793 --> 00:10:20,976
Yo. Two parents and some kids?
237
00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,237
This is a straight-up family.
238
00:10:23,314 --> 00:10:24,479
For real.
239
00:10:24,574 --> 00:10:26,407
I guess we are.
240
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:29,893
So, Grayson,
you just graduated from college, right?
241
00:10:29,912 --> 00:10:31,579
What did you major in?
242
00:10:31,730 --> 00:10:32,988
Oh, they never told me.
243
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,991
That means communications.
244
00:10:36,085 --> 00:10:38,493
You see, I grew up
on the Florida-Texas border,
245
00:10:38,588 --> 00:10:40,329
where football is king.
246
00:10:40,481 --> 00:10:43,239
One day, I saw this other
baby crawling a post pattern,
247
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:44,833
and I hit him with my pacifier.
248
00:10:44,985 --> 00:10:47,243
Perfect spiral. 20 yards.
249
00:10:47,263 --> 00:10:49,504
My folks did what any
loving parents would do...
250
00:10:49,657 --> 00:10:51,765
they packed me off to football academy.
251
00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:53,325
I'm real grateful.
252
00:10:53,344 --> 00:10:55,677
If you keep a kid at home till he's two,
253
00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:57,329
it can screw up his development.
254
00:10:58,332 --> 00:11:00,090
Growing up in an
all-football environment
255
00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:03,335
helped me avoid the distractions
that come with being a kid...
256
00:11:03,428 --> 00:11:05,929
friends, laughing, that junk.
257
00:11:06,023 --> 00:11:08,949
For college,
Alabama Tech was an easy choice.
258
00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:11,009
Coach is an amazing recruiter.
259
00:11:11,028 --> 00:11:12,936
You really feel his passion.
260
00:11:13,013 --> 00:11:16,106
Wait, so you never see your parents?
261
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:17,866
Oh, I see them all the time!
262
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:18,967
I see them at games,
263
00:11:19,061 --> 00:11:20,635
in documentaries about me,
264
00:11:20,688 --> 00:11:21,703
in the Campbell's Soup commercial
265
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:23,872
my mom did without my knowledge.
266
00:11:24,024 --> 00:11:25,448
Oh, Grayson,
267
00:11:25,468 --> 00:11:27,450
growing up with nothing but football
268
00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:29,194
can't have been healthy.
269
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,380
No, no, I'm good.
270
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:33,140
Gimme that back!
271
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:34,883
Starters eat before scrubs!
272
00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:36,793
Everybody knows that!
273
00:11:43,653 --> 00:11:46,895
You know, I'm beginning to
see the appeal of football.
274
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,047
Hit him again!
275
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:50,574
Kids, behave!
276
00:11:52,811 --> 00:11:55,721
In a family, we do not steal food.
277
00:11:55,814 --> 00:11:57,055
- But...
- No buts.
278
00:11:57,074 --> 00:11:58,673
Just because there aren't
coaches and minders
279
00:11:58,726 --> 00:12:02,152
watching your every move doesn't
mean you can act selfishly.
280
00:12:02,246 --> 00:12:05,397
In a family, you don't do you.
281
00:12:05,416 --> 00:12:06,489
You do...
282
00:12:06,509 --> 00:12:07,510
others?
283
00:12:07,584 --> 00:12:08,917
And don't you forget it.
284
00:12:09,011 --> 00:12:11,345
Now, boys, clear the table.
285
00:12:12,515 --> 00:12:14,256
Bust. Bust. Bust.
286
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:17,518
You sure the rookie
doesn't mind sharing?
287
00:12:17,745 --> 00:12:19,594
Maggie loves company.
288
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:21,337
Um, Mrs. Marge,
289
00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,931
do-do you think it'd be all right
290
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:24,599
if I stayed here for a while?
291
00:12:24,752 --> 00:12:27,586
I've never been around
a real family before.
292
00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:29,846
Of course you can.
293
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:31,198
You sure? I'm a lot of work.
294
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:33,759
I need 9,000 calories a day or I'll die.
295
00:12:33,777 --> 00:12:36,412
So does my husband, silly.
296
00:13:07,076 --> 00:13:08,448
_
297
00:13:09,405 --> 00:13:10,504
Wow!
298
00:13:10,631 --> 00:13:12,889
I've never seen such a tiny megachurch.
299
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:15,576
It's a normal-sized
regular church, Grayson.
300
00:13:16,637 --> 00:13:19,805
Hey, here's a little fuel for
your private jet, Reverend.
301
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:24,585
When did the faces on the
paper money get so big?
302
00:13:24,661 --> 00:13:27,904
♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
303
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,832
Wow. My first birthday party.
304
00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:32,985
I made you a card.
305
00:13:33,789 --> 00:13:36,004
We're all playing catch.
306
00:13:36,156 --> 00:13:37,656
You've all given me so much.
307
00:13:37,749 --> 00:13:38,932
I have a family now.
308
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:41,493
A family that's shown me
I don't have to be selfish
309
00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:42,804
to be a success.
310
00:13:42,839 --> 00:13:43,877
Huddle up, team.
311
00:13:43,912 --> 00:13:45,163
Feelings on three! One, two, three!
312
00:13:45,182 --> 00:13:46,206
Feelings!
313
00:13:46,333 --> 00:13:48,183
Who wants presents?
314
00:13:48,277 --> 00:13:49,518
- I do! I do!
- Ooh, ooh, I do!
315
00:13:49,612 --> 00:13:50,760
- I do! I do!
- Merch!
316
00:13:51,546 --> 00:13:52,762
Try this on, big fella.
317
00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:56,450
Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns!
318
00:13:56,601 --> 00:13:58,026
I'm so glad you came!
319
00:13:58,178 --> 00:14:00,362
Now it's a party, huh, guys?
320
00:14:00,514 --> 00:14:01,938
Oh, I would never miss the birthday
321
00:14:01,957 --> 00:14:04,016
of football's brashest bad boy.
322
00:14:04,034 --> 00:14:05,200
Now let's head out.
323
00:14:05,352 --> 00:14:08,278
You and I are having
a night on the town.
324
00:14:08,372 --> 00:14:10,964
It's time to party with Brandyman!
325
00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:14,359
Or Do-You-Man?
I'm... Can we decide on a catchphrase?
326
00:14:14,378 --> 00:14:16,470
Catchphrase TBD!
327
00:14:16,547 --> 00:14:17,638
Are you nuts?
328
00:14:17,789 --> 00:14:19,214
You do realize that Grayson has
329
00:14:19,366 --> 00:14:22,142
a career-defining
football game tomorrow.
330
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:25,312
He's gonna go to bed early
after a nice hot bath.
331
00:14:25,481 --> 00:14:28,798
You can try out the Silly Soap
I bought. Huh?
332
00:14:28,892 --> 00:14:30,042
All right!
333
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,801
This man plays a game for a living
334
00:14:31,895 --> 00:14:34,212
- and you infantilize him?
- _
335
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:38,400
Fine, but your mollycoddling
will have dire consequences.
336
00:14:38,552 --> 00:14:40,402
Mark my words.
337
00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:44,164
Mathers with his fourth
touchdown of the day!
338
00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:46,482
And in a never-before-seen move,
339
00:14:46,502 --> 00:14:49,077
the opposing defense
is resigning en masse
340
00:14:49,229 --> 00:14:51,730
to try their luck in the
Canadian Football League.
341
00:14:51,748 --> 00:14:53,173
Good luck, fellas.
342
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,010
There he is! The man I never
thought was a bust for a second!
343
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:59,071
A 53-point win.
344
00:14:59,089 --> 00:15:01,406
Bet you can't wait to say
something really arrogant.
345
00:15:01,425 --> 00:15:03,408
Just lucky to have great teammates,
346
00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:04,743
what a game plan,
347
00:15:04,761 --> 00:15:07,337
keep my head down and work.
348
00:15:07,431 --> 00:15:11,567
But also the greats who
paved the way in this league.
349
00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:15,220
Where's my bad boy?
350
00:15:15,238 --> 00:15:17,405
Come on, son. Be a sore winner.
351
00:15:17,557 --> 00:15:19,224
Make Daddy proud.
352
00:15:19,972 --> 00:15:21,434
Maybe you could call
the other team soft?
353
00:15:21,561 --> 00:15:23,819
I mean, it's just us reporters here.
No one will know.
354
00:15:23,914 --> 00:15:26,398
No, sir. I'm just trying
to be the kind of guy
355
00:15:26,566 --> 00:15:28,324
who makes a mother proud.
356
00:15:28,343 --> 00:15:30,126
Are you saying...
357
00:15:30,237 --> 00:15:31,736
you're a mama's boy?
358
00:15:31,829 --> 00:15:34,639
I'm the biggest mama's
boy on the planet!
359
00:15:36,334 --> 00:15:38,167
Mmm. Tastes good.
360
00:15:38,303 --> 00:15:41,754
Marge Simpson, what have you done?
361
00:15:47,189 --> 00:15:49,362
You've ruined our beautiful,
arrogant boy!
362
00:15:49,589 --> 00:15:52,348
Ruined? He's happy now.
363
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:54,016
What's wrong, guys?
Why are you fighting?
364
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:57,095
Oh, this woman's got you as
twisted as a Cossack's mustache.
365
00:15:57,113 --> 00:16:00,598
What happened to the bad boy I
raised up from recent adulthood?
366
00:16:00,617 --> 00:16:02,525
Don't listen to him, Grayson.
367
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:06,213
I'm so sorry I ruined your spokesperson.
368
00:16:06,381 --> 00:16:08,273
He's not just my spokesperson.
369
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:09,607
He's my spokes-son.
370
00:16:09,626 --> 00:16:11,626
And you stole him from me.
371
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,446
You're so merged with
your own selfishness,
372
00:16:14,464 --> 00:16:17,873
you don't even identify it
as selfishness anymore.
373
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,041
You're a monster!
374
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:20,560
And you're winning!
375
00:16:22,688 --> 00:16:24,213
You've got to choose, my boy.
376
00:16:24,307 --> 00:16:25,957
Me or her.
377
00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:29,236
Can't you see you're tearing me apart?!
378
00:16:29,387 --> 00:16:31,312
I need to grind tape
of blitz protections
379
00:16:31,465 --> 00:16:33,907
against an eight-man box!
380
00:16:49,763 --> 00:16:52,259
I haven't heard from Grayson in days.
381
00:16:52,486 --> 00:16:55,762
Neither has the NFL Network,
ESPN or Adam Schefter.
382
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,822
The football world hangs in the balance,
383
00:16:57,841 --> 00:16:59,432
waiting for this rookie
phenom quarterback
384
00:16:59,584 --> 00:17:01,917
to choose between his surrogate parents.
385
00:17:02,012 --> 00:17:05,997
My sources tell me that Mathers
hasn't gone back to Mr. Burns
386
00:17:06,016 --> 00:17:08,500
and that Marge has just
this second finished folding
387
00:17:08,518 --> 00:17:11,185
the sheets Grayson may
never sleep on again.
388
00:17:11,338 --> 00:17:12,988
What sources?
389
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:19,101
What if I never see my special
big football boy again?
390
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:22,956
Mom, a fancy invitation came for you.
391
00:17:23,905 --> 00:17:27,961
Grayson sent me a ticket for the
Sports Channel's annual awards show.
392
00:17:28,112 --> 00:17:30,204
You're going to the Sportswardsies?
393
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,357
That's the one night when pro athletes
394
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:34,709
finally get to thank their agents.
395
00:17:34,861 --> 00:17:37,286
And Grayson picked me as his plus-one,
396
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,880
not Mr. Burns.
397
00:17:38,974 --> 00:17:40,198
You won!
398
00:17:40,291 --> 00:17:42,142
Motherhood won!
399
00:17:42,369 --> 00:17:44,144
Yippee!
400
00:17:45,705 --> 00:17:47,555
All good, all good.
401
00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:56,687
- You!
- You!
402
00:17:56,722 --> 00:17:59,551
Wait, I'm supposed to be
sitting next to Grayson.
403
00:17:59,644 --> 00:18:02,311
So am I. I know what's happening here.
404
00:18:02,405 --> 00:18:04,572
Obviously, our boy
sat us together thinking
405
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:07,167
we would reach some
sort of rapprochement.
406
00:18:07,394 --> 00:18:09,227
He Parent Trapped us!
407
00:18:09,245 --> 00:18:10,337
Too bad for him...
408
00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:12,655
we're never gonna see eye to eye.
409
00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:13,773
Amen, sister.
410
00:18:13,825 --> 00:18:17,344
A toast to never-ending animosity.
411
00:18:18,238 --> 00:18:19,829
I'll drink to that.
412
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:21,664
Enemies forever.
413
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:23,516
Mm. Ah.
414
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,168
The Sportswardsies are starting.
415
00:18:26,262 --> 00:18:28,262
Kids, have you filled out
your betting sheets?
416
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:30,523
Look at these categories.
417
00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:31,766
Worst Contract?
418
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,084
Best World Series?
419
00:18:33,177 --> 00:18:35,086
The Donald Sterling Appalling Owner
420
00:18:35,179 --> 00:18:37,255
Lifetime Achievement Award?
421
00:18:37,273 --> 00:18:39,424
James Dolan, James Dolan, James Dolan.
422
00:18:39,593 --> 00:18:42,518
For me, it's all about Best
Stretcher Ride Thumbs-Up.
423
00:18:42,537 --> 00:18:44,929
Most of all, I'd like to thank Gordo,
424
00:18:44,948 --> 00:18:47,448
who I pay six figures
to carry my trophies.
425
00:18:47,542 --> 00:18:49,709
Gordo, this is for you, buddy.
426
00:18:51,326 --> 00:18:53,605
When we come back,
the Sportswardsy
427
00:18:53,623 --> 00:18:55,715
for Most Inspiring Athlete.
428
00:18:55,867 --> 00:18:58,854
Oh, he's looking at the wrong camera.
429
00:18:58,889 --> 00:19:00,628
He's such a cutie.
430
00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:03,873
How could two people like us,
with all our flaws,
431
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:06,041
make this perfect creature?
432
00:19:06,828 --> 00:19:07,902
I'm a terrible father.
433
00:19:07,954 --> 00:19:11,064
I should have raised him
to be a man, not a brand.
434
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:14,292
Ah. Let's promise
we'll do better, Monty.
435
00:19:14,310 --> 00:19:15,718
Together.
436
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:19,572
The winner for Most
Inspiring Athlete is...
437
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,223
Grayson Mathers.
438
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,228
You all know I've had some
personal struggles lately.
439
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:29,732
I was losing the football
game of emotions.
440
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,252
But there's one person
who got me through it.
441
00:19:32,403 --> 00:19:33,753
He's talking about you.
442
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:35,146
You're the nurturer.
443
00:19:35,315 --> 00:19:37,257
But you're his inspiration.
444
00:19:37,408 --> 00:19:39,008
It's got to be you.
445
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:42,320
And that person is...
446
00:19:42,338 --> 00:19:46,174
my fiancée Kaitlyn!
447
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,910
The three days I've known her
have seemed like a lifetime.
448
00:19:48,928 --> 00:19:51,579
An Instagram model, a YouTube reactor
449
00:19:51,672 --> 00:19:53,672
and the creator of Yoga Yogurt,
450
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,933
the faith-based yogurt
you eat while yoga-ing.
451
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:58,844
Kaitlyn is so much more than
a business manager to me.
452
00:19:58,938 --> 00:20:01,589
Though she's that, too!
As of this morning!
453
00:20:01,682 --> 00:20:04,367
Hope you can handle total
financial control, baby!
454
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:05,760
Good news, babe!
455
00:20:05,853 --> 00:20:07,278
You're fighting Floyd Mayweather
456
00:20:07,430 --> 00:20:09,430
on a Valentine's Day pay-per-view!
457
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:12,600
She's getting me out
of the brandy business,
458
00:20:12,618 --> 00:20:14,785
into something more wholesome, y'all:
459
00:20:14,938 --> 00:20:17,880
our new line of all-ages hard seltzers.
460
00:20:17,999 --> 00:20:19,716
@Katilicious_97,
461
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:21,533
I can't wait to marry you.
462
00:20:21,627 --> 00:20:23,110
Tell me there's a prenup.
463
00:20:23,129 --> 00:20:25,780
No prenup! That's how I roll!
464
00:20:25,798 --> 00:20:27,706
Who wants some seltzers?
465
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:28,874
Dime for you!
466
00:20:28,893 --> 00:20:31,469
And just like that, we've been replaced.
467
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,421
One day, they're these sweet,
innocent creatures
468
00:20:34,423 --> 00:20:36,474
who are totally reliant on you.
469
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:38,976
Then, suddenly, it's two weeks later
470
00:20:39,128 --> 00:20:41,112
and they're gone.
471
00:20:51,977 --> 00:20:55,752
When we return,
find out who takes home the Sportswardsy
472
00:20:55,828 --> 00:20:57,478
for Best Press Conference Meltdown
473
00:20:57,497 --> 00:20:59,260
and Most Valuable MVP.
474
00:20:59,295 --> 00:21:01,439
Plus, Cirque du Soleil will reimagine
475
00:21:01,459 --> 00:21:03,441
this year's Most Flagrant Fouls.
476
00:21:03,502 --> 00:21:05,702
Later, it's Least Racist Team Name
477
00:21:05,854 --> 00:21:07,171
and Coldest Bud Light,
478
00:21:07,195 --> 00:21:08,772
brought to you by Bud Light.
479
00:21:08,845 --> 00:21:11,300
And don't miss Kenny Chesney
and his musical tribute
480
00:21:11,451 --> 00:21:14,636
to the 100 all-time
worst-run vanity charities.
481
00:21:14,863 --> 00:21:17,306
Then, find out which baseball
player will take home
482
00:21:17,457 --> 00:21:19,290
Highest Batting Average.
483
00:21:19,384 --> 00:21:21,368
And five living legends battle it out
484
00:21:21,461 --> 00:21:23,553
for the Most Tone-Deaf
Hall of Fame Speech.
485
00:21:23,647 --> 00:21:24,888
And lots more.
486
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,391
All that when the
Sportswardsies continue.
487
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,692
Shh!
488
00:22:12,888 --> 00:22:15,724
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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