Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street

* A light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* On the wings of my dream

* Through the rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going to stop me now *

Look, I know your place

I know Hank Peterson comes in there a lot.

So, if he shows up, have him call me.

Yeah, I know he doesn't like to talk to reporters.

I'm not a reporter.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'll never get this interview.

Life stinks.

* It's a hap-hap-happy day

* Doodle loodle loodle loodle loodle lay

* The sun shines bright

* It's a hap-hap-happy day *

Cousin, I just found a $20 bill on the street.

It's raining 20s from heaven.

Terrific, Balki.

gave me an extra slice of pickle.

And the day before that

a butterfly landed on my shoulder.

When will it all end?

I don't know, but I hope it ends soon

because it's getting on my nerves.

Cousin, what's wrong?

The whole town wants to know

I can't even find the guy.

Oh, cousin.

you know what picks me back up?

Tuesdays?

No.

Helping others.

You know, turning darkness into sunlight?

Turning fish heads into chowder?

You should try it. I don't know, Balki.

Doing good for others has

Come on, cousin.

Come with me to Chicago General

and do volunteer work.

Listen, getting your mind off yourself

and onto some other needy person who really--

Balki, I don't wanna help others.

I wanna help myself, so go away.

All right. All right.

I'll be in the archives

trying to figure out this Dan Quayle thing.

Appleton.

Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

About that Hank Peterson interview...

We've already found him, Sherlock.

He's in Chicago General waiting to have knee surgery.

Well, that's great, sir. I'm on my way.

I'll have that interview typed in on your desk

before you can say "Byline."

Appleton. Yes, sir, Mr. Wainwright.

You ought to know they're not letting reporters

anywhere near him.

You haven't given it any shot yet.

But, if they're not allowing reporters in

how am I gonna do that, sir?

Maybe this will motivate you, Appleton.

It's working, sir. I knew it would.

Chicago General. Chicago...

Who was just talking about Chicago General?

I get it now.

The vice president doesn't actually do anything.

Balki...

Balki, were you saying

that if I focus less on myself

and help others it would be a good thing?

Well, are we feeling better now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

uh, can you go anywhere you want in the hospital?

Oh, yeah. The volunteers get special passes.

So, if I became a volunteer

I could get one of those special passes?

You changed your mind? Yeah, yeah, right.

Complete change of heart.

So, I could get one of those special passes?

Well, of course you could. Don't be ridiculous.

We'll go down first thing next week.

No, not next week. I want to help people tonight.

Well, aren't you the eager leave it to beaver?

Well, I figured, once you decide to help others, why wait?

Let's go.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING OVER PA SYSTEM)

So, Nurse, how long before this shot kicks in?

I'd like to watch a little...

General anesthetic to remove a corn. What a wuss.

Is this Hank Peterson's room?

He's right over there.

Mr. Peterson?

Hank?

Hank?

I know you're a very busy man.

But, uh, just a few questions.

Are you ever going to play football again?

(MUMBLING)

I didn't quite catch that.

Hank? Hank?

Hank. Wake up.

Hank. Hank!

Hank. Hank.

Hank! Hank.

Cousin, making friends already?

Oh!

You are one caring human being. Come on, we got to go now.

No, Balki, we can't leave yet.

Well, we came here to comfort and console the patients.

And we do that by relating to them.

Cousin, I don't know how much relating Hank can do.

Obviously, this man is sedated.

See?

Come on, we got to go.

Watch. Hank, if you can hear me

don't raise your hand.

See?

Wow!

I've never seen reflexes like that.

Hi, Balki. Hi, Nurse Bagley.

Why don't you change Mr. Vaughan's bed?

I'll do my best. I know you will.

He's the "Bed Changer Of The Month", you know.

I know.

I saw the plaque.

Okay, cousin. Come on. You take this side.

Oh, okay.

All right. Well, let's get this over with.

We gotta change the bed.

Cousin. Cousin.

I know you're new at this

See?

We've got to change this bed with him in it.

I know the proper procedure.

It's hospital tested, hospital approved.

Okay, but let's make it fast.

Okay. Now. Yeah.

First, you gently fold down the blanket.

Yeah, what can I do?

from underneath the patient's head.

Ahem. Now, the next step is to gently move Mr. Vaughan

into a comfortable sitting posture.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Okay. What now?

Okay, now, the next step

is to strip the sheet from the bed.

taking care not to disturb the patient.

Okay.

Okay.

(BALKI WHISTLING)

Cousin.

Cousin?

(LARRY GRUNTING)

This is not proper hospital procedure.

Get him off!

Ow.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, let him go. Okay.

You're starting to get the hang of this.

Okay, now, ahem, the next step is to gently

gently roll Mr. Vaughan on his side

and remove the sheet out from underneath him.

All right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

All right. I'll hold him. You strip.

What?

Cousin, I... Balki, please, do as I say.

I'll hold, you strip.

I'll hold, you strip. Is this too hard for you?

No.

The sheets!

Strip the sheets!

Oh! Okay.

(GRUNTING)

Uh-oh.

Oh, Balki. Balki, I can't hold him.

Oh, okay. I can't hold him.

Get him up. Get him up.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, no, Balki! Balki! Help! Help! Help!

I got him. I got him.

(BALKI SCREAMING)

Is that Hank Peterson?

No, he's the one in the bed.

Excuse me, could you help us?

Come on, pal, we can't do everything.

You can't take him. I need him.

So does the surgeon.

We'll be back for Mr. Vaughn later.

(BALKI GRUNTING)

(STAMMERING) Balki, this is terrible.

Oh, cousin, it's not so bad.

I'm sure Mr. Vaughn don't mind waiting.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin, you know, it was so easy

to get Mr. Vaughan back in bed after I found out

that he likes to play "Simon says" in his sleep.

Simon says raise your legs.

Put your legs down.

He's good.

Simon says put your legs down.

Cousin, we can go now.

Cousin, learn to let go.

Hank is in good hands. And there are

plenty of other patients who need our help.

But they don't play football for the Chicago Bears

and Hank Peterson does.

Oh-ho, now I get it!

You came here to get an interview with Hank Peterson.

If I get this interview it'll mean a lot for my career.

But, cousin, you're doing a good thing for a selfish reason.

That's wrong. Do I have to review the order for you again?

First you do good things, then good things happen.

You're too rigid.

I'll do my hospital work

Well, they're not going to bring him back, Mr. Smarty Trousers.

He's going to the Recovery Room.

Well, then I'll interview him in the Recovery Room.

Good thinking, cousin. Thank you.

BALKI: Can you pretend to have a key?

A key?

Doctors use them to open the Recovery Room.

Someone else must have a key. Nope, only doctors

and the occasional trusted Mypiot volunteer.

Balki? Yes?

Do you have a key?

No. No?

That was the other Mypiot volunteer.

Balki, may I have the key, please?

No, cousin!

And I'll never tell you where it is.

Balki, give me the key!

Ha!

When pigs walk!

No. No. No! No! No...

(BALKI SCREAMS)

Balki.

Give me the key.

Never!

(AIR HISSING)

Balki, give me the key.

Never!

(AIR HISSING)

Balki, give me the key

or I'll squeeze your brains out.

Never!

(AIR HISSING)

Never!

(HISSING CONTINUES)

Balki! Balki! Balki!

Just kidding, cousin. (LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Ha!

You'll never get that key!

(LARRY GRUNTING)

(BALKI GROANING)

No! No, no...

Simon says hug!

(LARRY GRUNTS)

All right, Balki. Two can play at this game.

Simon says let go.

Ha!

It only works for me.

All right, Balki, please. Please.

Please, I need the key.

Cousin, you promised to work for the hospital,

not yourself. Balki, if you help me,

I'll work here for a month.

A month? Ha!

Simon says hug tighter.

(LARRY GROANING)

Six months!

Simon says let go.

(THUDS)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hank. Hank. Hank, wake up.

Hi, mom. We're number one.

Hank. Hank. Hank, wake up.

We're doctors

What?

Oh, you're the doctor. What are you asking me for?

Balki?

Hi, Hank.

What are you doing here?

Is it story time?

Not until after dinner.

(STAMMERING) Hank, we were wondering...

Balki, please. Balki. Balki, please.

Hank, my name is Larry Appleton.

I'm a reporter with The Chicago Chronicle.

Cousin, I think I can help.

Balki, you can help by being quiet.

So, short interview? What do you say, Hank?

Well, that's it. I'm through. I'm finished.

Cousin, may I speak now?

You can do anything you want. My life is over.

Hank, he's a friend of mine.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I'll tell you what, my doctors are gonna be in

in a few minutes.

Why don't you stick around

they're gonna retire my jersey?

You have a cow?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Appleton.

We were the first paper to tell Chicago Hank will be back.

But I couldn't have done it without Balki's help.

Nice work, Bartokomous.

Thank you, Mr. Wainwright.

Well, you and Appleton make a good team.

Well, you know what they say,

"will just keep pecking

"and pecking and pecking and pecking

"until your hand starts to bleed."

He helped you?

Oh, a lot.

Well, I don't know how you did it

but you brought in a big story.

Permanent?

He's going to do our hair.

Yes, that's right.

Well, Balki, it looks like our careers

are starting to take off.

This is a big day for me.

Well, you go to work at the hospital tonight.

You got your interview.

Hey, I'm happy to do it.

Well, that's a good attitude.

Mash down garbage or work on the third floor?

Ooh, that's a toughie.

I'll take the third floor.

Bedpans it is.