Original subtitles

Sometimes the world looks perfect

Nothin' to rearrange

Sometimes you just get a feeling

Like you need some kind of change

No matter what the odds are this time

Nothing's gonna stand in my way

This flame in my heart

Like a long lost friend

Gives every dark street a light at the end

Standing tall

On the wings of my dream

Rise and fall

On the wings of my dream

The rain and thunder

It's my life my dream

Nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin, hurry up.

Cousin Bartok will be here any minute.

(SNIFFS)

Balki? Yeah.

Have you washed this sheepskin since your mama

sent it from Mypos?

Well, of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

If we want Cousin Bartok to feel at home here

the apartment has to smell barnyard fresh.

Cousin, did I ever tell you about the time

that Cousin Bartok and I made water balloons out of...

(TOGETHER) ...sheep bladders.

(TOGETHER) ...Cousin Bartok's hut.

And we dropped them on...

(TOGETHER) Devo the butcher.

so he lowered his prices.

Were you there?

No. No, I was here.

I was here listening to you

tell that story over and over and over again.

Cousin, I can't help myself.

I'm just, I'm just so...

I'm just so excited that Cousin Bartok is coming.

My favorite cousin from Mypos is finally

going to meet my favorite cousin from America.

Well, I'll be honored, Balki.

And, who knows, as long as he's here

maybe we can show him what it's like

Huh? Huh? Ho-ho-ho.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Ah, ha ha!

(BOTH SIGHING)

What are we talking about?

Forget it. Oh.

Cousin, I got to warn you.

Now, um, Cousin Bartok

is a kind of meek,

and mild, and shy.

He only arrived in Los Angeles six months ago.

So, you know,

you can't expect him

to be as, Neapolitan as I am.

That's cosmopolitan.

And, uh, after the last four years

I think I'm prepared for anything.

Thank you, cousin.

The Babo-digo-bo wreath?

The traditional Myposian welcome wreath.

Made from the beards of 100 un-milked goats.

I'll be right back.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, hi.

I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous.

Balki Bartokomous?

Sorry, dude. I must have the wrong apartment.

No, no, no, no.

You... You must be Bartok.

Yo. Well, come in.

Alright!

Excellent.

The Babo-digo-bo wreath is starting to shed.

Balki!

Cousin Bartok!

Alright.

Wow! A Babo-digo-bo wreath.

Alright. Heavy, dude.

Oh, Cousin Bartok

Cousin Larry, Cousin Bartok.

Cousin Bartok, Cousin Larry.

Likewise, dude.

That's cash.

Are... Are you sure you two are just cousins?

I... I can't believe how much you look alike.

Oh, wow.

You... You really think so.

Well, cousin, maybe a little around the eyes

but I mean, it's not like The Patty Duke Show.

for a couple of nights.

Well, why should you spend money on a hotel

when we have a very comfortable couch right here?

Oh, wow.

A couch!

If I didn't have a bad back

Ah, maybe I better just scope out a hotel.

A hotel!

Bite your tongue off.

You're staying right here.

You just take your suitcase and march right on in there.

First door on the left.

Alright, B-man. You're alright.

Oh, dude, I almost forgot

I got the taxi cab waiting downstairs.

I'm a little lean on green.

No. You look fine.

Oh, oh, don't worry, Cousin Bartok.

I'll take care of the cab. You make yourself at home.

Excellent.

But they're cousins

Identical cousins and you'll find...

Uh, Bart, I... I have to tell you

you're not at all what I expected.

I thought somebody from Mypos

would be much more... Myposian.

Yeah, well, um...

Hey, mind if I call you Larr?

Well, uh, actually I prefer--

Great, Larr. Well, the deal is...

See, uh, when, I first hit LA

I looked like our friend Balki out there.

And, uh, people looked at me like I was this total geek

and I was like, oh, wow, I was like bummed.

And then, I was lucky enough to, uh, hook up with this dude

Frankie Bathgate

And I go, "What?"

And he goes, "Oh, wow."

And I'd go, "Huh?"

And he goes, "Numero uno, what you gotta do is get rid

"of everything that says Mypos

"and that includes, like, the clothes

"the accent, and anything made out of goat hair."

Hey, um...

Well, no, Balki decorated it this way

so you'd feel more at home.

Dude, the way to really make me feel more at home

is to get a couple of babes up here.

You know what I mean?

(LAUGHING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Larry. Hi, Lydia. Uh, Lydia?

I heard you met Balki's cousin, Bart.

What'd you think of him?

Ooh, nice.

What'd you really think of him, Lydia?

Well, it may just be me

"Hey, babe. Nice to you.

"How many bucks do you pull down a week?"

Well, I like the guy.

After you had breakfast with him and Balki

he stuck you with the check.

I know, that's why I like him.

Everybody, everybody, I have great news.

Balki, you got new sunglasses.

Yeah. Cousin Bartok kind of talked me into them.

Totally tubular, huh?

Mr. Gorpley, Ms. Lydia

I'm having for Cousin Bartok on Saturday night.

Saturday? I thought Bart was leaving on Wednesday.

That's the good news, cousin.

Cousin Bartok has decided to start his business

right here in Chicago and he'll be staying with us

until he can find an apartment in my price range.

Isn't that way cool?

I am totally stoked!

I've got to go tell everyone else about the party.

You have got to hand it to a guy who can

rip off his own family.

I think I'll go call my mother.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

SAM: So, Bartokomous.

Well, it's really not Cousin Bartok's idea.

The idea actually belongs to a dude in California

named John Greeley.

But Cousin Bartok has obtained

all the marketing rights.

All that's left to do

is the, is the wheeling and dealing,

and shakin' and bakin'.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Now what's the idea?

It's a beach towel.

A beach towel?

Well, move over Donald Trump.

Balki, I-I hope this doesn't come as a shock

but they've already invented the beach towel.

I know that.

Cousin Bartok says it's truly bodacious.

You see, it's a towel, the color of sand.

So it actually looks like

a piece o' the beach.

But what happens if you go swimming?

How... How do you find your towel again?

Wow.

That is a good question.

But I'm sure Cousin Bartok has already thought of that.

He never thinks about anything but business.

You know,

I knew you were awesome.

I was, like, "Oh, wow!"

Obliterated.

But...

There's something missing.

Me.

Oh, you're not missing.

You're right here.

You are heavy.

Forget it.

And I'm not heavy.

Don't tell me. You're Bart--

You know, the minute I saw you,

I knew you were awesome.

I was, like, "Oh, wow!"

Obliterated.

But there's something missing.

And you're right. It's me.

I see you've, uh, met Jennifer, my girlfriend.

And... And she's a total babe.

(LAUGHING)

Where do I come up with them?

(LAUGHS POLITELY)

Uh, Jennifer, would you mind seeing

if the rest of the cheddar puffs are ready?

Sure, um, nice meeting you, Bart.

Later, babe.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Larr, major wipe out on my part.

Way sorry, dude.

Look, Bart never hits on another dude's lady.

Listen, Larr, I got some killer news.

I finally got the financial backing for my project

and I'll be getting my own pad this week.

Well, that is killer news.

Well, congratulations. Who's your backer?

Everyone! Everyone!

I have an announcement to make.

Uh, Cousin Bartok

would you join me, please?

Hit it, Balkman.

Uh, Cousin Bartok and I are going into business together.

Um, with his keen business instincts

and my life savings

I don't see how we can miss.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, cousin, here we go.

Balki, where's Bart?

It would've been nice if he helped us clean up.

Oh, he's playing basketball.

Basketball?

At 1:00 in the morning? Yeah.

He told me he was going to play

Balki.

We have to talk.

You do? Yes, I do.

And I couldn't agree with you more.

Cousin, I'm as tired as you are

of always having cheddar puffs at our parties.

Now, I thought, maybe, we could have--

No, Balki. No. No. Balki. Little sausages in the--

Balki. Balki.

I wanna talk about this beach towel business.

Risky.

Oh, well...

Cousin Bartok and I have talked about the risk

and we agree it's a no-prob situation.

Balki, he's using the fact that he's a relative

to take your money.

Cousin, on Mypos

family trusts one another.

Balki, LA did something to him.

He's changed.

Cousin, just because he

dresses different and talks different,

and acts different

don't mean that he's different.

Balki,

if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck

chances are, it's a duck.

Now, you were talking about my Cousin Bartok

and then, you're talking about a duck.

I know it's late and you're tired

so I'm gonna give you some time

to organize your thoughts.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Larr, dude! What's happenin'?

Everything leveled out and cool, bro-heim?

Hey, is the Balkster home?

No, the Balkster is at the bank

transferring his life savings

into his checking account.

Alright, 'cause I'm psyched to get

the ball rolling on this deal.

I noticed.

Bart, I know what you're doing

and I'm not gonna let you get your hands

on Balki's money.

Oh, wow!

I catch what's going on here.

I come up with the most happenin',

outer-lunar, money-making scheme

since the talking teddy bear

and I don't offer you a piece of it.

(LAUGHS) Oh, well, Larr.

You have every right to be angry.

Mea culpa, amigo.

Larr, I'll let you in on the deal.

Go ahead and get your checkbook.

Oh, look, my two favorite cousins.

I'm so happy you're getting along.

Balkman, glad you made it. I was startin' to worry.

Oh, don't worry. Be happy.

It's check writing time.

Now wait a minute, Balki.

There's something you should know.

I did a little investigating.

I called the west coast.

I talked to the designer of the Piece o 'the Beach, beach towel.

Oh, wow. You talked to Mr. Greeley?

Yes, and according to him, Bart has absolutely

no marketing rights to the towel at all.

Cousin, I thought you had an agreement with Mr. Greeley.

But, hey, no biggie. I mean, I get...

Those rights are just a phone call away.

I can reach out and touch the dude tonight.

Bart, it won't matter.

Mr. Greeley said he has no intention of ever

giving you those rights.

Major downer.

there's like a zillion killer ideas out there.

Like, I heard... I heard one the other day.

Pet rock candy.

Blow my mind!

Balki, with my brains

and you're righteous bucks

we can make it happen.

You're the last person on Earth

Balki would lend money to.

Balki, what are you doing?

You're what? Cousin.

When a member of your family needs your help

you help him, no matter what the cost.

Oh, Balki, uh, you made a mistake.

You... You made this check out to Bartok.

And the bank only knows me as Bart.

No, cousin, I didn't make a mistake.

I'm not giving this money to Bart.

That would be stupid.

I'm giving this money to Bartok

because I know that somewhere inside

them fancy clothes is the Bartok I grew up with.

And I know that that Bartok

will use this money wisely.

I hate when you do this.

Bart.

Your Myposian accent's coming out.

can't be far behind.

Come on, cousin. Come on.

Let it out.

I have to keep Bartok locked up.

Bartok is a dork.

And what is a dork?

A loser.

The only way I can be a success

is by being Bart.

My friend Frankie Bathgate says so.

but your friend Frankie Bathtub

don't know Dick Butkus about success.

The only way to be a true success

is by being yourself.

Yeah, well...

I...

I don't...

I think I lost him somewhere along the way.

Mypos.

Well, how I can get back? I don't have any money.

Well, I tell you what.

I'll lend you the money to go home.

You will?

Thank you, Cousin Balki.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

"And make sure you give Cousin Larry my regards

"and tell him when I visit America again

"we'll do lunch.

"That's a joke.

Well, it sounds like Bartok is happy to be back on Mypos.

Oh, look, cousin, he sent his business card.

"Bartok's glow in the dark sheep collars.

"Never lose a lamb at night again."

It looks like Bartok took a little bit of Bart

back to Mypos with him.

Well, of course, he did.

Don't be bogus, dude.

Balki, promise me you'll never say dude again.

You got it.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)