Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kinda change

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder

* The wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's gonna stop me now

Cousin, cousin, I did it! I did it, I did it!

I cashed my paycheck.

I withdraw all my savings,

and I recycled all our aluminum cans.

And I have enough money to buy a car.

Well, congratulations, Balki.

No? No, you gotta do some research first.

Research? Yes!

about the makes and models you're interested in.

You gotta check around, shop around

to the various dealers, see what they have to offer.

No, no, cousin, no need for that.

I'm gonna go right down to Honest Achmed's Used Car Caravan.

Honest Achmed?

Yeah.

You know, the guy on television

Uh, Balki, sit down.

Now, how can I say this tactfully?

I wouldn't know. Hmm.

If you try to buy a car from Honest Achmed,

he'll eat you alive.

He's a cannibal?

No, no.

He isn't even Achmed.

His real name is Burt Williams,

Cousin, why would he lie?

To make money.

You know, Balki, my father had a system

for finding reliable cars.

He called it the Appleton Used Car Rating System.

I think it might be just what you need.

Well, well, cousin, come on.

I'm sure your father was wise behind his ears,

but I don't think I need his system.

You know, this...

Well, I know you didn't.

But suppose you buy a car

without the Appleton Used Car Rating System.

What would happen?

Well, let's look into the future.

Look, it's a dark and stormy night.

I wake up with terrible pains.

Cousin, where does it hurt?

Right, I think it's my appendix.

Cousin, it's no problem. I drive you in my new car.

Oh, good, good.

You've got to get me to the hospital.

Cousin, I'm trying, but my car won't start.

Help! Help!

Help!

It's 2:00 in the morning.

I'm dead.

And all because you wouldn't use

The Appleton Used Car Rating System

and bought a bad, bad car.

Oh, cousin, I don't want, I don't want your death

on my head and shoulders.

Give me the Appleton Used Car Rating System.

Only if you're sure.

Cousin, I'm sure, I'm sure.

I'm sure, what do I do?

Now, first, give me all your money.

Who are you kidding?

Give me your money.

Okay.

Now, don't worry.

I'll use the Appleton System

to get you the right car at the right price.

Thank you, cousin.

And after you pick out my car,

can I get a personalized license plate?

Oh, sure, why not?

"by being nice to everyone you meet."

You think that one is taken?

We'll have to check.

Come on, I want you to see this.

Hey, Harri, Lydia.

Just keep up what you're doing,

Oh, so, Harriette's told you

You know, it was developed by my dad to make sure

We kids bought used cars that would run

trouble-free for years.

This is a computer print out of every used car for sale

In the Chicagoland area.

Oh, there certainly are a lot of them.

Fourteen thousand two hundred and twenty-seven.

Before computers, used to take my dad forever to do this.

He started shopping for my first car

when I was 12 years old.

Ask him how he plans to narrow that down.

Well, using another computer program,

I've eliminated all the trucks,

four-wheel drive vehicles, RVs

And everything costing more than $2500.

But, don't you... Then the cars themselves are rated

according to such things as mileage,

previous service record, coefficient of drag.

Do you feel... And then the ratings are factored

against the sale prices of the cars,

which reduces the list even further down

to the one car in Chicago

most likely to give Balki worry-free driving

well into the next century.

Were you a bedwetter?

I'm just tryin' to help the guy.

Uh-huh, what if your computer doesn't find a car

that Balki likes?

Well, what does "like" have to do with it?

I didn't like the car my father got for me.

But it is still running.

Well, what do you think?

That's what I thought.

I just wanted a professional opinion.

Dad always said people wouldn't understand.

Cousin, cousin, I found it, I found it.

I found the car of my dreams,

and it's right here in our parking garage.

Come on!

And what is it, Balki, that makes this

the car of your dreams?

It's red.

Cousin, you can't see it from there.

Balki, Balki,

you're gonna have to have better reasons

for buying a car,

Oh, I do, I do.

You do? Yes, I do.

Well, let's list your reasons.

List them?

Well, uh, it's got those little flaps

that keep the mud from getting up on the fender.

Uh-huh.

so you feel like you're drivin' fast all the time.

Uh-huh.

Oh, oh, and this is what really sold me.

It's got one of those Garfields stuck to the window.

Balki, I thought that car might catch your eye.

You saw it, too?

How did it do? It didn't measure up.

Cousin, you know, I...

I had a silly idea that buying a car would be fun.

Balki, buying a car is not supposed to be fun.

The fun comes years from now

You weren't breastfed, were you.

Years from now, you'll thank me.

Years from now, I'll buy a red car.

Don't look, don't look.

I got you the most reliable used car in Chicago.

Okay, open your eyes.

Oh, cousin, it's beautiful.

Uh, Balki, Balki.

Cousin, you are the best.

I mean, never, never in my wildest dreams. Uh, no, Balki!

It's a convertible! It's a convertible!

No, no, no.

Balki, come on, no, no, no, no.

Balki, Balki.

This isn't your car.

It isn't? No.

Oh, God.

I knew you'd like it.

And thanks to the Appleton System,

this car is so reliable,

you could be driving it forever.

That long?

So, what do you say we start this baby up

and take her for a spin?

I was just as excited when I got my first car.

Come on, come on, come on.

Don't be shy.

Huh?

That is the sound of the Appleton System at work.

Okay, Balki, start it up.

Okay, Balki, start the engine.

Balki, turn the key, start it up.

Balki, start her up.

Balki, turn it...

What are you doing out here?

Just hangin' out.

Yeah, well, I tried, nothing happened.

Well, I'm sure it's just a simple problem.

Well, I have a simple solution.

Why don't we take this thing back and get another one?

Possibly a red one.

Balki, we are not taking it back.

There is nothing wrong with it.

Well, there is one thing wrong with it.

It won't start.

I'm sure it's just a small adjustment.

It passed the Appleton System with flying colors.

Well, maybe the Appleton System should take a flying leap.

Cousin, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It just slipped out.

Balki, have a little faith.

Even as kids, some of us had our doubts about dad's system.

I can see why.

Now, come on, give me a hand here.

The problem seems to be with the electrical system.

So, we have to check and see

if the battery is delivering sufficient power.

All we have to do is touch these screwdrivers

to the battery terminals and see if there's any electricity.

Cousin, it seems that the battery is dead.

You know, Mr. Wizard once said

that electricity won't flow

unless there is a complete circuit.

I wonder what he meant by that?

Battery's fine.

Okay.

I think now we're getting somewhere.

Well, that's what you said when you stripped

the threads on the carburrito.

It's carburetor.

Car-bur-etor.

And it was an accident.

Not of this magnitude.

You know, Balki, I am doing all this for you.

I found the car for you.

I made the deal for you.

And I am trying to fix it for you.

You're right there, cousin.

Okay, well, tell you what,

if you don't wanna help, why don't you just go home?

Cousin, I would love to go home,

but my car don't work.

All right, look, I tell you what,

We're both very tired

Well, I think it would be best

if we just put our differences aside

and worked together.

Cousin, you're right.

You're right, and you're right.

Okay, what can I do to help?

Well, well, to start with

you could put in the oil.

if you hadn't broken the oil filter

when you were trying to fix the fuel pump, huh?

Well, the fuel pump wouldn't have been broken

if you hadn't hit it with a hammer.

Huh?

Cousin, you told me to hit it with a hammer.

I said tap, tap it with a hammer.

Tap, hit, eight of one, half a dozen of another.

Just put in the oil.

Cousin, when you, when you...

Balki. Let me just ask you this.

Put in the oil! Let me just ask you this.

It's not a big deal. Let me just ask you this question.

Put in the oil, now!

Now! Now!

Okay.

Cousin, I just wanna ask you one little question.

LARRY: Balki, put in the oil, now!

Cousin, was this what you...

Thank you.

Well, Balki, we did it.

and put it back together again.

You have to do that sometimes.

The amazing thing is we don't have any parts left over.

Well, Balki,

why don't we start it up

Cousin, it started.

Chalk up one more for the Appleton System.

Why don't we turn it off and call it a victory?

No, no, no, no.

Put her into drive.

Yes, it would.

Perfect.

Balki, you are about to drive

your very own car for the first time.

This is a moment you'll never forget.

Cousin, thank you for making it possible.

Hey, don't thank me.

Thank the Appleton Used Car Rating System.

Cousin, in the Appleton System,

exactly when do you admit failure?

Cousin, thank you for helping me buy my first car.

Actually, it was your second.

No, I don't count the first one.

I never actually drove it... Forward.

Well, I'm just glad Honest Achmed

gave you a good deal on the trade-in.

Yeah, $150 for a car that only drives backwards ain't bad.

And I'm really happy with the red car I just bought.

Balki, I owe you an apology.

I thought the Appleton System was foolproof

and that's why I couldn't admit that...

Your car was a lemon.

No, cousin, it was a sedan.

And it was just about the ugliest one I've ever seen

in my life,

Except for that picture you showed me

of your first car.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

My dad picked that car out.

That car was reliable.

Car was fuel efficient.

Car was ugly.

Ooh, boy.

You know something, I hated that... I hated that car.

But I could never tell my dad.

Cousin, you know what I think?

First thing in the morning, you should call up your papa

and get that piece of your mind off your chest.

You're right. I will, I will.

And Balki, tomorrow, when we go into work,