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1
00:00:04,460 --> 00:00:07,170
Mecca lecca hi mecca hiney ho!
2
00:00:08,330 --> 00:00:09,879
Ta-da!
3
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,329
Uh, I can see the tissues
under your arm.
4
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:13,419
What are you doing?
5
00:00:13,420 --> 00:00:14,709
You're supposed to ignore that,
6
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:17,619
act amazed, and reward me with
an ice cream sandwich.
7
00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:18,829
You are not six anymore.
8
00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:21,579
You are going to have
to try harder to amaze me.
9
00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:23,619
Just a heads-up,
I'm staying for dinner.
10
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:25,789
These are my food allergies.
11
00:00:25,790 --> 00:00:26,829
Oh, come on.
12
00:00:26,830 --> 00:00:28,919
Should I get these boots, Mom?
Sure.
13
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,669
I assume they're
a gift for a new friend
14
00:00:30,670 --> 00:00:31,789
who's also a hooker.
15
00:00:31,790 --> 00:00:32,959
So you're not gonna
get them for me?
16
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,879
No way. Why would you wear
open-toed boots?
17
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,419
Boots are a cold-weather item.
18
00:00:38,420 --> 00:00:39,579
Next you'll want...
19
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:41,539
a down jacket
without any sleeves.
20
00:00:41,540 --> 00:00:42,829
You mean a vest?
21
00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:43,999
Oh, yeah, bad example.
22
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,499
I've done everything
you've asked of me.
23
00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,709
I joined the school musical.
24
00:00:47,710 --> 00:00:49,579
I'm taking the PSAT.
25
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:50,669
Can't you just meet me halfway
26
00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:51,879
and reward me
for all my hard work?
27
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,079
How about I meet you right here
28
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,789
and don't give you jack squat?
29
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:56,709
I'm so tired of you shutting me
down all the time.
30
00:00:56,710 --> 00:00:58,579
I am your mother.
31
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,619
Shutting you down is in
my job description.
32
00:01:00,620 --> 00:01:01,879
Just like you rolling
your eyes at me
33
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,749
is in your job description.
34
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:07,419
You're very good at your job!
35
00:01:14,830 --> 00:01:16,829
Oliver, why don't you stay
36
00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:17,999
and help me build
Luthor's new doghouse?
37
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,749
It'll be a fun
father-son project.
38
00:01:19,750 --> 00:01:21,119
We just did
a father-son project.
39
00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,079
We carried an unbuilt doghouse
from the car to the backyard.
40
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,789
I'll always remember it, Dad.
Come on.
41
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,749
We'll listen to music,
work a couple hours,
42
00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:30,079
take a break, make some hummus.
43
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,669
I have to finish reading
the new Johnny Diamond book
44
00:01:32,670 --> 00:01:35,539
before I go to his motivational
seminar this weekend.
45
00:01:35,540 --> 00:01:36,879
Johnny Diamond says,
46
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,829
"In order to earn
people's trust in business,
47
00:01:38,830 --> 00:01:40,419
you need to make
a bond with them
48
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,539
by any means necessary."
49
00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:43,709
Johnny Diamond.
50
00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:45,879
That's not a very authentic way
to interact with people.
51
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,619
Neither is making hummus.
52
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,709
Look at these stupid boots
53
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,539
Taylor wants me to buy her.
54
00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:56,579
Yikes.
55
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,669
And why are they open-toed?
56
00:01:57,670 --> 00:01:58,789
Boots are a cold-weather item.
57
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,079
That's what I said!
58
00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:02,669
It's like socks
without the feet.
59
00:02:02,670 --> 00:02:04,039
You mean leg warmers? Damn it.
60
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,379
It's really hard to come up
with a similar example
61
00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:07,040
to those dumb boots.
62
00:02:07,041 --> 00:02:09,619
Taylor was pretty mad
when I said no.
63
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,039
We've been
fighting a lot lately.
64
00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,709
We're just not connecting
like we used to.
65
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:14,879
Same with me and Oliver.
66
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,709
He doesn't want anything
to do with me.
67
00:02:16,710 --> 00:02:18,079
I bought a doghouse
for us to build together.
68
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,879
What teenage boy
wouldn't want to do that?
69
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,879
Every teenage boy in the history
of teenage boys.
70
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,789
I just feel like as he gets older,
we have less and less in common
71
00:02:25,790 --> 00:02:27,709
and it's harder to spend
any quality time with him.
72
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:29,079
Then maybe you should
do something with Oliver
73
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:30,959
that Oliver is interested in.
74
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,879
I can't do another drive
through the neighborhood
75
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,789
where I play
"Guess That Zestimate."
76
00:02:34,790 --> 00:02:36,959
How about that
Johnny Diamond seminar
77
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,579
that he won't shut up about?
78
00:02:38,580 --> 00:02:39,879
That guy's such a phony.
79
00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,919
It's all recycled
self-help nonsense.
80
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,169
I'd rather bond
over something real.
81
00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:44,919
Look, if you're the one
who wants to bond,
82
00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,709
then you have to be the mature
one and make the sacrifice.
83
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:48,829
Fine!
84
00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:50,919
I'll go to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.
85
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,879
You know, maybe you should take
your own advice
86
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,879
and make a sacrifice with Taylor
so you two can bond.
87
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,829
What did I say about undermining
me in front of the kids?
88
00:02:57,830 --> 00:02:59,789
But the kids aren't... Anna-Kat!
89
00:02:59,790 --> 00:03:01,669
What?
90
00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:02,829
Thank you, honey.
91
00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:04,669
Good night.
92
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,789
Who the hell
wants toeless boots?
93
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:13,209
Yeah, it makes no sense.
It's like...
94
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,879
Don't even try. I was at this
for hours last night.
95
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,169
Thought I had one, but I didn't.
96
00:03:17,170 --> 00:03:19,709
Turns out a hat with no top
is just a visor.
97
00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:21,119
Are you thinking
of caving in on this?
98
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,749
I'm worried Taylor has started
seeing me as the enemy.
99
00:03:26,670 --> 00:03:28,079
I just love that
necklace on you.
100
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,879
Thank you. I think it will look
even better on you.
101
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,539
How did I get so lucky?
102
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,119
Why can't Taylor and I
be like that?
103
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,619
You can.
My kids and I are that close.
104
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:40,879
We hug six times a day.
105
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,879
Ugh!
What a load of garbage!
106
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,169
Parents and children
need boundaries!
107
00:03:44,170 --> 00:03:46,619
Otherwise, they won't fear
or respect you.
108
00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:47,959
No, I disagree.
109
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,669
I let my kids do
whatever they want
110
00:03:49,670 --> 00:03:50,919
as long as I'm there
to supervise.
111
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:51,999
And it will be the same
112
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,249
when they get older.
If they want to have sex,
113
00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:55,119
they can do it at my house
while I'm home.
114
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,789
There has to be a middle ground
between lifelong bitterness
115
00:03:57,790 --> 00:03:59,209
and listening to your kids hump.
116
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:01,249
You know, I read in
Parenting magazine
117
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:04,169
that mothers and daughters
go on friend dates now to bond.
118
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:05,829
It's a fun way
to spend time together.
119
00:04:05,830 --> 00:04:08,079
No judgments, and you get to
establish a new relationship
120
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,829
where you see each other
as equals.
121
00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:11,789
Hey! More garbage!
122
00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:13,789
You know, Greg said
I should do something
123
00:04:13,790 --> 00:04:14,959
like mother-daughter date night.
124
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,919
But ideas just sound better
coming from someone else.
125
00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,169
I don't know, Katie. You'll be
setting a dangerous precedent
126
00:04:20,170 --> 00:04:21,879
that could lead to your kids
coming back to visit
127
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,709
after they've already moved out.
128
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:24,919
That's exactly what I want.
129
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,879
Yep, that's what you think now.
130
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,959
But imagine yourself
30 years older
131
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,039
and your kids are yelling at you
in your own home
132
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,919
for watching TV because
screens are bad for the baby.
133
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,619
I'm watching "Game of Thrones,"
134
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,749
and so is the baby!
135
00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,039
They need to learn
about violence
136
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,290
and love.
137
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,079
All right.
Oliver's on board with me
138
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:47,289
going to the Johnny Diamond
seminar with him.
139
00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:49,919
Actually, he said, "It might
ruin it but maybe it won't."
140
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,829
I'm taking that as a win.
That's great.
141
00:04:51,830 --> 00:04:53,289
And Doris and Angela said
I should ask out Taylor
142
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:56,249
on a mother-daughter date and
buy her the open-toed boots.
143
00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:58,119
Isn't that exactly
what I told you to do?
144
00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,789
You want me to be
the kind of wife
145
00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:01,289
that "listens" to her husband?
146
00:05:01,290 --> 00:05:03,879
Then we're gonna have to change
this whole operation.
147
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,209
I should go read up
on Johnny Diamond.
148
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:06,749
I'll start with his first book,
149
00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:07,879
"The Best of
Johnny Diamond."
150
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,959
How can his first book be
"The Best of Johnny Diamond"?
151
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,249
You think that's strange,
his next book is called
152
00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:14,380
"Introducing Johnny
Diamond." Huh.
153
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:17,960
Hey, there.
154
00:05:17,961 --> 00:05:19,879
Taylor, huh?
Pretty name.
155
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,619
Do you spell it with a "Y"?
156
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:22,999
Ta-da!
157
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,829
Good trick, huh?
158
00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:26,749
That's not a trick.
159
00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:28,580
This is a trick.
160
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,580
Witch.
161
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:36,999
Why were you
talking to yourself?
162
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,829
I'm practicing asking
Taylor on a friend date.
163
00:05:39,830 --> 00:05:41,169
Ever since my parents' divorce,
164
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,919
my mom takes me on friend dates
every Saturday.
165
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,619
It's a lot of Arby's. Mm.
166
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:47,919
Let me help you.
167
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,380
Thanks, but I think I got it.
168
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:52,119
You can't ask her out in person.
169
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,330
You have to do it over text.
170
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,119
Okay.
171
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,709
What should I write?
172
00:05:58,710 --> 00:06:00,789
Just be casual.
Mm.
173
00:06:02,210 --> 00:06:03,789
What's up, girl?
174
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,709
Is this a mistake?
175
00:06:10,211 --> 00:06:12,619
Just seeing if you wanna chill.
176
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,709
This feels like a trap.
177
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,789
How about boot shopping
and coffee?
178
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,500
Yes!
179
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,170
What?
180
00:06:35,171 --> 00:06:37,999
You're helping her
get closer to your sister?
181
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,459
Not good for you.
182
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:42,879
Why? You think I'm getting
pushed out as the favorite kid?
183
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,289
Maybe. I don't think
you can get by
184
00:06:44,290 --> 00:06:45,959
on just cuteness anymore.
185
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,169
The big teeth are in now.
186
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:49,249
You're gonna have
to find a new way
187
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:50,879
to make your parents like you.
188
00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,079
How?
189
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,079
You ever want to take a bite
out of your ChapStick?
190
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,879
Oh, Franklin.
You almost made it through
191
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,039
one full conversation.
192
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,829
Where my Diamond Dogs at?!
193
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:26,879
Let's maximize those
relationships, D-Dogs.
194
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,879
That's why you're here!
195
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,999
I want you to turn
to the person next to you
196
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,829
and talk with them.
197
00:07:39,830 --> 00:07:41,959
And when I say "talk with them,"
198
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,789
I mean connect with them!
199
00:07:47,790 --> 00:07:49,379
No small talk!
200
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:52,999
I want you to ask them
the best thing
201
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,039
that happened to them this week.
202
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,119
Get real!
203
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,249
My Diamond Dogs need
to gnaw through the lies
204
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:03,879
and taste the truth.
Leashes off!
205
00:08:09,250 --> 00:08:11,329
We don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
206
00:08:11,330 --> 00:08:12,499
No, no, no.
We should do the work.
207
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:14,329
That's what we're here for.
Okay.
208
00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:17,209
What was the best thing that
happened to you this week?
209
00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,959
Well, um,
210
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,379
there's this girl
I like at school
211
00:08:21,380 --> 00:08:23,119
that sat with me at lunch.
212
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,999
I didn't have the guts
to ask her out,
213
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,329
but at least I know
she knows I exist.
214
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:30,329
That's the first time
you've mentioned a new girl
215
00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:32,079
since you and Gina broke up.
216
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,119
I'm proud of you.
217
00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,209
Thanks, Dad.
218
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:36,959
We usually don't talk about
this kind of stuff.
219
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,999
Or any stuff really.
220
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,580
This is nice.
221
00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,119
What was the best part
of your week?
222
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,459
Is it too cheesy to say right now?
Definitely.
223
00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:48,209
Then I'm gonna go with the apple
fritter I had this morning.
224
00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:50,289
Now howl if you had
225
00:08:50,290 --> 00:08:54,039
a substantial
emotional breakthrough.
226
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,119
Hey.
227
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,169
You want to maximize
your relationship with me?
228
00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:07,169
Uh, sure.
Yeah.
229
00:09:07,170 --> 00:09:09,079
Ask me the best part of my week.
230
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,879
Okay, what was the best part
of your week?
231
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,539
This. Right now.
232
00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:15,379
It's too cheesy for your son
there, but not for me, man.
233
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:18,119
Come here.
Bring it in here.
234
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:19,289
We should hang out
or something, huh?
235
00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:22,829
Get some tacos later.
236
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,079
Oh, my God, Mom.
I love them.
237
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,119
They look painful.
238
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,249
Well, sometimes
the coolest stuff
239
00:09:31,250 --> 00:09:33,249
isn't the most comfortable.
That's true.
240
00:09:33,250 --> 00:09:35,329
I might have made some fashion
choices when I was your age
241
00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:37,039
that weren't based on comfort.
242
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,040
Like?
243
00:09:38,041 --> 00:09:40,329
Tight chokers
were big in the '90s.
244
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:41,499
I passed out from time to time,
245
00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:44,249
but Mama looked fine as hell.
246
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,459
You should try on
a pair of these.
247
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,329
Open-toed boots?
I don't think so.
248
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:51,419
I've been nursing my pedicure
since Christmas.
249
00:09:51,420 --> 00:09:54,169
Although I did a touch-up with
a red Sharpie yesterday.
250
00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:56,169
I think you can pull them off.
251
00:09:56,170 --> 00:09:57,959
You think?
252
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Gotcha.
253
00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:07,119
So, do you want to grab coffee?
254
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,459
Actually, let's grab lunch.
255
00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:10,959
Play it cool.
Play it cool.
256
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,039
Whatever.
257
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,119
Okay.
Never mind.
258
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,459
Darn it.
That was too cool!
259
00:10:14,460 --> 00:10:16,289
No, no, no.
Let's grab lunch.
260
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,459
All right, Diamond Dogs.
261
00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:26,959
It's time for one last
relationship maximizer.
262
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,249
Classic trust fall.
263
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,119
Come on, Dad. Let's do it. Okay.
264
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,120
Oh, no. No, no.
265
00:10:31,121 --> 00:10:32,329
For this fall,
266
00:10:32,330 --> 00:10:36,079
I want Dad to fall
and Sonny Boy to catch him.
267
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,119
No, we can't do that.
268
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,209
If Johnny says we can do it,
we can do it.
269
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,579
I trust us.
It's not about trust.
270
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:46,289
It's about me being
way heavier than you.
271
00:10:46,290 --> 00:10:47,579
Did I mention the apple fritters
this morning?
272
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:50,289
Full disclosure... I have
those every morning.
273
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:52,079
If we can do this,
we can do anything!
274
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,880
Okay.
275
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:04,539
I got you, Dad!
276
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:07,209
Yes, you do! I'll never
doubt you again, Oliver!
277
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,749
I don't know where this strength
is coming from!
278
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:11,919
It's like when a parent lifts
a car off their baby.
279
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,079
It's love, man!
280
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:17,750
Yeah!
281
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:22,329
All right, that's it
for this seminar.
282
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,209
But remember, Diamond Dogs,
283
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:27,329
the seminar
hasn't actually ended.
284
00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:29,999
It's just begun.
285
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,419
Who wants homework?!
286
00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:38,379
I want you to go home,
find a loved one,
287
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:39,709
and do a project together
288
00:11:39,710 --> 00:11:43,329
'cause this isn't just about
your relationship, right?
289
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:46,459
This is about
your relationship...
290
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:48,379
with your relationship!
291
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:52,709
Dad, I know what we should do.
Huh?
292
00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:55,209
We should build Luthor's doghouse.
Yeah!
293
00:11:55,210 --> 00:11:57,329
We'll build
a Diamond Doghouse together.
294
00:11:57,330 --> 00:11:59,289
Excuse me,
Mr. Diamond.
295
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:01,329
I was skeptical
about coming today,
296
00:12:01,330 --> 00:12:03,289
but you've helped my son
and me very much.
297
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,419
Thank you. Well, that's
what it's all about.
298
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,379
It's not about the $200 tickets
299
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:08,499
or the $50 T-shirts.
300
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:11,419
It's about this moment.
301
00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:14,119
Me touching your face.
302
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,169
You nervous?
303
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,329
Kind of.
Smart.
304
00:12:17,330 --> 00:12:19,080
We don't validate parking.
305
00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:23,169
He's amazing, isn't he?
306
00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:24,329
His hands are so soft.
307
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:25,999
Should we buy
Diamond Dog lotion?
308
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,119
Yeah!
309
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,329
So, what's going on?
310
00:12:33,330 --> 00:12:34,579
You hitting me up for a kidney?
311
00:12:34,580 --> 00:12:36,919
What? You bought
me shoes you hate,
312
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,249
and we're eating at a restaurant
where you don't have to fill up
313
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,289
your own cup
at the soda machine,
314
00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:41,579
so something's up.
315
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:44,289
I just want to spend
quality time with you,
316
00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:45,669
not just as mother and daughter.
317
00:12:45,670 --> 00:12:48,419
I want to be friends. Okay.
318
00:12:48,420 --> 00:12:51,419
So, like, how do we do that?
319
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:54,169
We can start by talking
like girlfriends.
320
00:12:54,170 --> 00:12:55,459
Let's spill some tea.
321
00:12:55,460 --> 00:12:57,289
What's the hot goss at school?
322
00:12:57,290 --> 00:12:58,709
I'm not sure what topics
are on the table.
323
00:12:58,710 --> 00:13:00,669
I don't want to say too much
and then you come down on me.
324
00:13:00,670 --> 00:13:02,619
How about I go first
and break the ice
325
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:05,040
and share some high school
stories of my own?
326
00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:10,289
Can't tell that story.
327
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,379
Really can't tell that story.
328
00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:14,749
I'll get straight-up arrested
if I tell that story.
329
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,749
Okay.
When I was a junior,
330
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:20,379
I dated two brothers
at the same time,
331
00:13:20,380 --> 00:13:23,169
but neither of them knew.
332
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,579
Wh... Mom!
But I got busted
333
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:28,289
when one of them saw me
making out with the other one
334
00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:30,209
when we went off-campus
to smoke.
335
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,920
Wow!
That is so crazy!
336
00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:35,419
I didn't know you smoked.
337
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,619
Just a little.
It was high school.
338
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,920
I tried vaping over the summer.
339
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,670
Oh?
340
00:13:41,671 --> 00:13:42,789
You're her friend, not her mom.
341
00:13:42,790 --> 00:13:44,579
You're her friend, not her mom.
342
00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:45,580
This is some good gossip.
343
00:13:45,581 --> 00:13:46,789
So there's a girl in the musical
344
00:13:46,790 --> 00:13:48,669
who had to quit because
her boyfriend...
345
00:13:48,670 --> 00:13:50,539
You know, vaping is
the same as smoking.
346
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:51,669
I know.
Anyway,
347
00:13:51,670 --> 00:13:52,749
he made her quit
because he was jealous...
348
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,579
So did you buy
your own vape pipe?
349
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:55,669
It's called a vape pen.
350
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,669
And no, I used someone else's.
351
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,499
So anything could have
been in there...
352
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:02,119
Tobacco, pot, rat poison.
353
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:02,880
You could have died!
354
00:14:02,881 --> 00:14:05,329
Wait, I thought we were
trying to be friends.
355
00:14:05,330 --> 00:14:06,499
It sounds like
you're momming me right now.
356
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,789
That's because I am a mom!
357
00:14:07,790 --> 00:14:11,459
Do you know how dumb it is
to vape?
358
00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:13,669
You just literally told me
you smoked in high school!
359
00:14:13,670 --> 00:14:16,579
I know, but my mother
wasn't involved in my life.
360
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:17,789
I'm up your ass constantly!
361
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:19,709
I knew this was a trap.
362
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:21,379
You tricked me
into admitting stuff
363
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:22,539
by saying we were friends!
364
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:23,749
Well, that won't be
a problem anymore
365
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:24,959
because we're no longer friends.
366
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,749
I think that's a world record
for the shortest friendship.
367
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:28,709
A whopping 20 seconds!
Great!
368
00:14:28,710 --> 00:14:31,459
You can go celebrate with
a big, fat vaping session.
369
00:14:31,460 --> 00:14:33,669
No one says that!
Ugh! I'm out of here.
370
00:14:33,670 --> 00:14:35,459
Now you're definitely
not getting my kidney!
371
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:37,579
I don't want your kidney.
And even if I did,
372
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,619
I don't want it
because it's full of vape!
373
00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:42,290
That's not how it works!
374
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,379
It says attach piece 1
to piece 2.
375
00:14:58,380 --> 00:14:59,579
But the pieces aren't labeled.
376
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:01,329
This is a waste of time.
377
00:15:01,330 --> 00:15:02,879
Remember what
Johnny Diamond says.
378
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,579
When you drift
to the negative, SBH...
379
00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:07,960
Stop, Breathe, Howl.
380
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,579
What the hell are you doing?
We're Diamond Dogs, honey.
381
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,329
We're maximizing
our relationship
382
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:16,669
and forging a lifelong bond.
383
00:15:16,670 --> 00:15:18,669
Great.
You're both in a cult.
384
00:15:18,670 --> 00:15:21,329
I look forward to your
six-part Netflix series.
385
00:15:21,330 --> 00:15:22,459
How was your friend-date
with Taylor?
386
00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:23,619
Terrible.
387
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:25,669
I think we broke up.
You're mother and daughter.
388
00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:26,919
You can't break up.
You just have to figure out
389
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,539
the relationship
you want to have with her.
390
00:15:28,540 --> 00:15:30,379
I think I know
what you guys need
391
00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:31,749
to maximize your relationship.
392
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,619
Johnny Diamond
has some exercises
393
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:35,539
to help you fulfill
your potential.
394
00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:37,499
I don't like this pairing.
395
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,330
Disturbs me.
396
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:42,579
Hey. Come on.
397
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,669
Let's go post this on
Johnny Diamond's Facebook page.
398
00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:49,709
Hashtag building
a hashtag doghouse
399
00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:51,579
with my hashtag son
400
00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:55,209
for our hashtag other
hashtag Diamond Dogs.
401
00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:55,920
Hashtag.
402
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:57,619
Trying to stay positive, Dad,
403
00:15:57,620 --> 00:16:00,459
but you're misusing hashtag
to an alarming degree.
404
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,789
Oliver, all these people
are posting reports
405
00:16:01,790 --> 00:16:03,539
that Johnny Diamond
got arrested.
406
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:06,039
What? The FBI raided
his ranch in Utah.
407
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,789
He had people being held against
their will writing his books.
408
00:16:08,790 --> 00:16:10,539
Okay, so he's a busy guy.
409
00:16:10,540 --> 00:16:11,829
He had to outsource
a little labor.
410
00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:13,709
And he had children
making his merchandise.
411
00:16:13,710 --> 00:16:16,619
You're making a child
build a doghouse. Think on that.
412
00:16:16,620 --> 00:16:19,249
He sold all
his followers' identities.
413
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,459
My credit score!
414
00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:21,749
This guy sucks so hard.
415
00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:23,669
Oliver, we don't need
Johnny Diamond.
416
00:16:23,670 --> 00:16:25,669
We can maximize our relationship
by ourselves.
417
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:28,669
Dad, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
418
00:16:28,670 --> 00:16:30,829
but Johnny Diamond's a fraud.
419
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:34,000
Which means our entire bond
is built on a lie.
420
00:16:35,250 --> 00:16:37,329
It's over.
421
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,080
Huh.
My high school bully is dead.
422
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,289
Here's some ideas so your
parents can like you again.
423
00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:47,829
Can you cook?
No.
424
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:49,829
Can you tell the future?
425
00:16:49,830 --> 00:16:51,879
If I could, I would have
walked out of the room
426
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,959
before you farted
20 seconds ago.
427
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,829
Oh, you can be
the funny one of the family.
428
00:16:56,830 --> 00:17:00,169
You need to learn a dirty joke.
Adults love those.
429
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,170
Okay.
430
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:05,290
"Good dirty jokes."
431
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:08,379
I don't get that.
432
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:09,459
I don't get that.
433
00:17:09,460 --> 00:17:11,379
Oh, that one has a funny word.
434
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:12,619
Oh, yeah.
435
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,829
Okay, I'll learn it and
tell it to my parents later.
436
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:17,459
I should not
have eaten that ChapStick.
437
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,499
Why are you throwing
that shirt out?
438
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,919
I thought Johnny Diamond
was your hero.
439
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,879
He's a fraud. He got busted
for, like, 10 felonies,
440
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,290
so all his advice to help me
succeed is meaningless.
441
00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:45,459
You know, you are always looking
for someone to worship.
442
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:46,749
Well, look outside.
443
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:51,879
See that guy?
444
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,669
That's the guy that
you should worship.
445
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,579
He went out of his way
to try to connect with you.
446
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,669
You should do the same.
447
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,829
Hey.
It's really unfortunate
448
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:12,999
when I have
a great parenting moment,
449
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,829
and Greg is not here
to give me credit.
450
00:18:15,830 --> 00:18:18,539
So, uh,
451
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:20,419
that was pretty weird
452
00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:22,460
today when we went...
453
00:18:25,710 --> 00:18:27,709
I'm trying to have an awkward
moment with you, Taylor.
454
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,290
Okay. Fine.
455
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,879
I'm sorry that I blew up at you,
456
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,959
but when you screw up,
I have to come down on you.
457
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,079
It's my job. You're very
good at your job, Mom.
458
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:39,669
You're gonna have a lot
of friends in your life,
459
00:18:39,670 --> 00:18:40,879
but only one mother.
460
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,919
And I refuse
to give that role up.
461
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,709
But you're the one
who wanted to be friends.
462
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:46,879
And one day we will be,
but right now,
463
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,919
I need you to be afraid of me,
464
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:50,999
but know, if you're ever
out in the world
465
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,749
and find yourself
in a bad situation,
466
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,789
you can call me
and I'll come get you.
467
00:18:55,790 --> 00:18:57,709
No questions asked?
No.
468
00:18:57,710 --> 00:18:59,579
Like a thousand questions asked.
469
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,539
What's up?
Anna-Kat has a joke
470
00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:06,039
she wants to tell us.
Great.
471
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,749
Okay, so three guys are
shipwrecked on an island
472
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:09,999
and are captured by locals.
473
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,829
Their leader says
to the first guy,
474
00:19:11,830 --> 00:19:14,079
"You must choose:
Death or ooga-mooga,"
475
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,999
so the first guy says,
"I choose ooga-mooga."
476
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,829
Then they throw him down...
477
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,999
So after seeing what happened
to the first two guys,
478
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,669
the third guy says,
"I choose death,"
479
00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:39,879
and the leader says, "Okay.
480
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,669
Death by
ooga-mooga!"
481
00:19:42,710 --> 00:19:44,669
Franklin, do you
even get the joke?
482
00:19:44,670 --> 00:19:46,619
She said
"ooga-mooga."
483
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,789
Anna-Kat, that was filthy.
484
00:19:48,790 --> 00:19:51,540
What would possess you
to tell a joke like that?
485
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,999
I was afraid I was
losing my position
486
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,169
as the favorite in the family,
487
00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:57,999
so I thought maybe
I could be the funny one.
488
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,209
Honey, you're always going
to be the baby,
489
00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:02,619
so you always are going
to be the favorite.
490
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,540
That's just a fact.
491
00:20:05,620 --> 00:20:06,829
You got me all crazy.
492
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:09,789
You are super grounded for
looking up that joke online.
493
00:20:09,790 --> 00:20:11,670
Go to your room.
494
00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:16,789
Can someone drop me off
at Arby's?
495
00:20:16,790 --> 00:20:18,879
I have a date with my mom.
496
00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:22,709
Can you set Anna-Kat's
parental control
497
00:20:22,710 --> 00:20:23,959
so it blocks
all the dirty stuff?
498
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,959
I'll also block that
weird website she likes
499
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,579
that shows death row inmates'
last meals.
500
00:20:28,580 --> 00:20:30,579
That...
501
00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:31,879
was a really funny joke.
502
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,459
Ooga-mooga.
503
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,499
Luthor says,
"Great job, boys!"
504
00:20:44,170 --> 00:20:46,879
Oliver, Johnny Diamond might
have ended up being a fake,
505
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,169
but the fun I had bonding
with you wasn't fake at all.
506
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,789
I'm glad your mom
forced us to finish it.
507
00:20:50,790 --> 00:20:52,039
Yeah, me, too.
508
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:53,959
I'm starting to get
what you see in her.
509
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,620
Hmm.
510
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,709
You guys need help
building anything else?
511
00:20:58,710 --> 00:20:59,789
No thanks.
Here you go.
512
00:20:59,790 --> 00:21:01,619
You don't have to pay me.
513
00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:03,579
We're Diamond Dogs!
37496
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