Original subtitles

Five, six, seven, eight!

(UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Anybody seen the Kelly Sisters?

You, you're up in five.

- VELMA: Keep the change, Joe. - Thanks.

Velma, where you been? And where's Veronica?

- She's not herself tonight. - But they paid to see a sister act!

Don't sweat it. I can do it alone.

Shit.

Come on, Velma, move it. Move it. Hurry up.

You're killing me here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Onyx Club is proud to present Chicago's hottest dancing duo,

two jazz babes moving as one.

The Kelly Sisters!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SINGING) Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town?

And all that jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down

And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold, but the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl

And all that

Jazz

Skiddoo

And all that jazz

Hotcha

Whoopee

And all that jazz

Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes

And all that jazz

I hear that Father Dip is gonna blow the blues

And all that jazz

Hold on, hon, we're gonna bunny hug

I bought some aspirin down at United Drug

In case you shake apart and want a brand new start

To do

That

Jazz

FRED: Let's go, babe.

But I didn't even meet your friend.

- That manager guy. - Don't worry, Roxie.

- It's all taken care of. - You told him about me?

Yeah, kid. It's all arranged.

Find a flask, we're playing fast and loose

And all that jazz

Right up here is where I store the juice

And all that jazz

Come on, babe, we're gonna brush the sky

I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high

‘Cause in the stratosphere how could he lend an ear

To all

That

Jazz?

You're gonna see your Sheba shimmy-shake

And all that jazz

She's gonna shimmy till her garters break

And all that jazz

Show her where to park her girdle

Her mother's blood would curdle

If she'd hear her baby's queer

For all

That

Jazz

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

- Hello, Miss Borusewicz. - Mrs. Hart.

This is Fred.

He's my brother.

All that

Jazz

Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town?

And all that jazz

And all that jazz

I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down

And all that jazz

And all that jazz

Start the car, I know a whoopee spot

Where the gin is cold, but the piano's hot

It's just a noisy hall where there's a nightly brawl

And all

That

Jazz

ROXIE: Say it again, Fred.

You're a star, kid.

My little shooting star!

No, I'm no one's wife

But, oh, I love my life

And all

That

Jazz

That jazz

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(ROXIE MOANING)

Say it again, Fred.

Jesus.

(ROXIE LAUGHS)

Where's the fire, huh? Amos ain't home till midnight.

Freddie?

Fred?

Hey, you know, I don't want you to feel like I'm nagging at you or anything,

but don't you think it's about time that I met your friend down at the Onyx?

I mean, it's been a month since you told him about me.

I know,

‘cause that was the night Velma Kelly plugged her husband and her sister.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

You know, they say that she found them in the kip together.

Gosh, if I ever found Amos slipping it to somebody else,

boy, I'd throw him a party. A great big going-away party.

It's getting late.

I have been thinking a lot about my act, though.

Whenever I get a really good idea,

I write it down in my diary before it goes out of my head.

And you know what occurred to me the other day,

that all the really, really knockout acts

have something a little different going on, you know?

Like, um, a signature bit.

And I thought that my thing could be aloof, you know?

Give 'em just enough to get 'em good and hungry,

but always leave 'em wanting more.

Once I get a name for myself, maybe we could open up a club of our own.

You could run it and I could be the headliner.

(GRUMBLES)

- What's the idea? - Wake up, kiddo.

- You ain't never gonna have an act. - Says who?

Face it, Roxie. You're a two-bit talent with skinny legs.

And I'm just a furniture salesman.

Yeah, but you got connections, you know?

- That guy down at the club. - There is no guy.

- That night... - Was the first time I set foot in that joint.

I was collecting on a bet from the trombone player.

So you never told anyone about me?

Sugar, you are hot stuff.

I would've said anything to get a piece of that.

And now? Now?

We had some laughs. Let's just leave it at that.

Fred!

You can't do this to me.

Would you get off?

(YELLS)

You touch me again, I'll put your lights out!

Wait!

Your husband will be home soon.

Why don't you wash yourself before you go hitting those sheets again.

- (CRYING) You're a liar, Fred. - Yeah, so what?

You lied to me.

- You lied to me! - That's life, sweetheart. That's life.

You son of a bitch. You a son of a bitch!

You're a son of a bitch!

Hotcha

Whoopee

Why you bothering, Sal? This one's all wrapped up.

I hear it's a new city record.

From killing to confession in an hour, flat.

POLICE: Where did you get the murder weapon?

I keep a gun in the underwear drawer. Just in case of trouble, you know?

That's just fine. Sign right there, Mr. Hart.

Freely and gladly, freely and gladly.

And mind you don't say we beat it out of you when you get up on the witness stand.

No, I gave myself up. Surrendered of my own free will.

Isn't he the cheerful murderer?

ROXIE: Shooting a burglar ain't murder.

Just last week a jury thanked a man.

I'm always grateful for citizens who know the law. Get in there.

You, too.

Sit down.

Okay. From the top.

A man's got a right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?

Of course he has.

Well, I come home from the garage and I see him climbing through the window.

HARRISON: Uh-huh.

With my wife Roxie laying there, sleeping like an angel.

That true, Mrs. Hart?

I'm telling you, it's the God's honest truth. My wife had nothing to do with it.

She wouldn't hurt a worm. Not even a worm.

It wasn't till I fired the first shot she even opened her eyes.

Boy, she's some heavy sleeper.

I always said she could sleep through the St Paddy's Day parade.

When I think of what would have happened if I went out for a beer with the guys

instead of coming straight home? Makes you sick to even think about it.

BANDLEADER: For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song

of love and devotion, dedicated to her dear husband, Amos.

(SINGING) Sometimes I'm right

Sometimes I'm wrong

But he doesn't care

He'll string along

He loves me so

That funny honey of mine

Sometimes I'm down

Sometimes I'm up

But he follows round

Like some droopy-eyed pup

He loves me so

That funny honey of mine

Like I said, even after I shot him, he kept coming at me,

so I had to pull the trigger again.

He ain't no sheik

That's no great physique

And Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts

But look at that soul

I tell you, that whole

Is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts

And if you knew him like me

I know you'd agree

What if the world

Slandered my name?

Why, he'd be right there

Taking the blame

He loves me so

And it all suits me fine

That funny, sunny, honey

Hubby of mine

Just suppose that he had violated her or something.

- You know what I mean? Violated? - I know what you mean.

Or something. Think how terrible that would've been.

It's a good thing I got home from work on time. I'm telling you that!

He loves me so

I say, I'm telling you that!

That funny honey of mine

- Name of deceased, Fred Casely. - Fred Casely?

How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him. He sold us our furniture.

He gave us 10% off.

Lord knows, he ain't got the smarts

You told me he was a burglar.

HARRISON: You mean, he was dead when you got home?

AMOS: She had him covered in a sheet,

and she's telling me some cock-and-bull story about this burglar,

and how I ought to say I did it ‘cause I was sure to get off.

"Help me, Amos," she says, "It's my goddamn hour of need."

Now he's shot off his trap

I can't stand that sap!

Look at him go, ratting on me

And I believed her. That cheap little tramp. She was two-timing me, huh?

With just one more brain what a half-wit he'd be!

If they string me up

Boy, I'm down at the garage working my butt off 14 hours a day.

I'll know who bought the twine

And she's up here munching on bonbons

and tramping around like some goddamn floozy!

Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?

That scummy, crummy, dummy hubby of mine

Boy, what a sap I was.

You double-crosser! You big blabbermouth! You promised you'd stick...

What are you talking about? You've been stringin' me, Roxanne!

You told me he was a burglar!

The whole time, you've been up here jazzin' him.

You are a disloyal husband!

Look, it's true. I shot him.

But it was self-defense. He was trying to burgle me.

From what I hear, he's been burgling you three times a week for the last month.

So what do you say, missus?

That's him, all right.

HARRISON: Thank you.

Your story doesn't wash, Mrs. Hart.

So try this on for size.

Fred Casely was a good time on the side with Goofy here as a meal ticket.

Meal ticket? He couldn't buy my liquor.

And Fred Casely could? With a wife and five little Caselys?

Or did he forget to mention them?

- What? - All his.

(WHISPERS) That bastard!

That bastard! Yeah, I killed him and I would kill him again!

Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown. Come on!

This is it, the corner house. Here they come.

This way, honey. Oh! Come on, it's a shame to hide such a beautiful face.

Why did you shoot him, huh?

Why don't you give us a profile with a little smile like the girl from the toothpaste ad.

Enjoy it while you can. Take this down.

Assistant District Attorney Harrison says this is a hanging case.

- I'm ready to go to the jury tomorrow. - What do you mean, hanging?

Not so tough anymore, are you? Take her down to the Cook County Jail.

Come on. Just give me a headline. Why'd you shoot him?

Was he cruel to you? Did he beat you? Was he fooling around?

Hey! What do you mean, hanging?

(REPORTERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Morphine, opium, cocaine?

WOMAN: Arm length, 31 inches.

MAN: Arm length, 31 inches. WOMAN: Height.

The Matron's on her way, so don't get too cozy.

Put out that cigarette!

WOMAN: Ever had Morton before?

She's fine, as long as you keep her happy.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Keeper of the Keys, the Countess of the Clink,

the Mistress of Murderers' Row, Matron Mama Morton!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SINGING) Ask any of the chickies in my pen

They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen

I love them all and all of them love me

Because the system works The system called

Reciprocity

MAN: On your feet.

Welcome, ladies.

Got a little motto

Always sees me through

When you're good to Mama

Mama's good to you

You may think I'm here to make your life a living hell. That's just not true.

There's a lot of favors

I'm prepared to do

You do one for Mama

She'll do one for you

I'd like to be your friend, if you let me.

So if there's something that upsets you or makes you unhappy in any way,

don't shoot your fat-ass mouth off to me ‘cause I don't give a shit. Now move it out!

They say that life is tit for tat

And that's the way I live

So I deserve a lot of tat

For what I've got to give

Don't you know that this hand

Washes that one, too?

When you're good to Mama

Mama's good to you

- Let's go. - You must be Hart.

Ain't you the pretty one?

Thank you, ma'am.

No, call me Mama. I'm here to take care of you.

Now you'll be habitating down in the East Block.

- Murderers' Row, we call it. - Oh.

Is that nicer?

You know, I don't think I really belong in here.

- I didn't actually do anything wrong. - No need to tell me, honey.

I never heard of a man getting killed when he didn't get just what was coming to him.

Hey, Mama. Come here. Come here.

Velma Kelly.

You're the Velma Kelly.

You know, I was there that night, I was there the night that you got arrested.

Yeah, you and half of Chicago.

Look at this, Mama. An editorial denouncing me in Redbook magazine.

"Not in memory do we recall

"so fiendish and horrible a double homicide."

Baby, you couldn't buy that kind of publicity.

Couldn't buy it?

I guess I can keep this, then.

Nice try.

If you want my gravy

Pepper my ragout

Spice it up for Mama

She'll get hot for you

When they pass that basket

Folks contribute to

You put in for Mama

She'll put out for you

The folks atop the ladder

Are the ones the world adores

So boost me up my ladder, kid

And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together

Like the Princeton crew

When you're stroking Mama

Mama's stroking you

So what's the one conclusion

I could bring this number to?

When you're good to Mama

Mama's good to you

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

ROXIE: Mama?

It's kind of, uh, freezing in here.

You don't think maybe there's something wrong with the heat?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you,

but, you know, if you got a couple of extra blankets tucked away...

MAMA: Lights out, ladies.

Oh.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay.

(SOBBING)

(WATER DRIPPING)

Pop

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

And now, the six merry murderesses of the Cook County Jail

in their rendition of the Cell Block Tango.

Lipschitz

Pop

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

- Pop - Six

- Squish - Uh-uh

- Cicero - Lipschitz

- Pop - Six

- Squish - Uh-uh

- Cicero - Lipschitz

- Pop - Six

- Squish - Uh-uh

- Cicero - Lipschitz

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there

If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same

- Pop - Six

- Squish - Uh-uh

- Cicero - Lipschitz

- Pop - Six

- Squish - Uh-uh

- Cicero - Lipschitz

You know how people have these little habits that get you down?

Like Bernie.

Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew.

Pop.

So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated,

and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy, and there's Bernie,

lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewin'.

No, not chewing. Popping!

So I said to him, I said, "You pop that gum one more time..."

(SIGHS)

And he did.

So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots.

Into his head.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there If you'd have heard it

I betcha you would have done the same

He had it coming...

I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago,

and he told me he was single. And we hit it off right away.

So we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home,

I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner.

And then I found out.

Single he told me. Single my ass!

Not only was he married, oh, no. He had six wives.

One of those Mormons, you know.

So that night, when he came home from work,

I fixed him his drink, as usual.

You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He took a flower in its prime

And then he used it And he abused it

It was a murder, but not a crime

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen,

carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business.

In storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage.

"You've been screwing the milkman," he says. He was crazy.

And he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman."

And then he ran into my knife.

He ran into my knife 10 times.

If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same

(SPEAKING HUNGARIAN)

ROXIE: Yeah, but did you do it?

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

Not guilty.

He had it coming

My sister Veronica and I had this double act,

and my husband, Charlie, traveled around with us.

Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row.

One, two, three, four, five. Splits, spread eagles,

back-flips, flip-flops, one right after the other.

So, this one night before the show, we're down at the Hotel Cicero,

the three of us, boozing, having a few laughs.

And we run out of ice, so I go out to get some.

I come back, open the door,

and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing number 17.

The spread eagle!

Well, I was in such a state of shock

I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands,

I even knew they were dead.

- They had it coming - They had it coming

- They had it coming - They had it coming

They had it coming all along

- I didn't do it - She didn't do it

- But if I done it - But if she done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

- They had it coming - They had it coming

- They had it coming - They had it coming

They had it coming all along

I didn't do it, but if I done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

I loved Al Lipschitz more than I could possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy.

Sensitive. A painter.

But he was always trying to find himself.

He'd go out every night looking for himself and on the way,

he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving.

I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences.

He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

They had it coming

They had it coming

They had it coming all along

‘Cause if they used us And they abused us

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same

- You pop that gum one more time... - Single my ass!

Ten times!

- Number 17, the spread eagle - Artistic differences

Pop

Six

Squish

Uh-uh

Cicero

Lipschitz

- Who belongs to them? - What's it to you?

Nothing. Heard they were Velma's.

Yeah, the Hunyak does all her laundry for a buck a week.

- Fresh towels for the can. - Make it quick.

MAMA: Hear me out. Billy Flynn set your trial date for March 5th.

March 7th, you'll be acquitted.

March 8th, you know what Mama's gonna do for you?

Mama's gonna put you back on the vaudeville circuit.

VELMA: So, now you're an agent, too?

MAMA: Well, dearie, until Ma Bell installs a private line in your cell,

all the calls have gotta go through me.

VELMA: What kind of dough are we talking about?

You know, it's a crazy world.

I mean, Babe Ruth is wearing rouge and playing the Palace for $5,000 a week.

VELMA: Yeah. And what about someone with real talent?

MAMA: Well, I can talk to the boys over at William Morris.

Due to your recent sensational activities,

- they seem to think they can get you $2,500. - $2,5007?

VELMA: Jeez, the most me and Veronica made was $350.

MAMA: Well, that's what happens when you have the right representation.

VELMA: You know what, Mama? I always wanted to play Big Jim Colosimo's.

Do you think you can get me that?

- Big Jim's? - Yeah.

Jeez, I don't know. That's gonna take another phone call.

And how much is that gonna cost?

Come on, Vel. You know how I feel about you.

You're like family to me. You're like one of my own.

I'll do it for 50 bucks.

VELMA: Fifty bucks for a phone call?

You must get a lot of wrong numbers, Mama.

Oh, Miss Kelly. Got your personals.

Freshly pressed by yours truly. No, no, it's my pleasure.

Hey, listen, um, can I ask you something?

You know that Harrison guy? He said that what I done is a hanging case

and that he's prepared to ask for the maximum penalty.

- Yeah, so? - So, I'm scared.

I sure would appreciate some advice.

Especially from someone I admire as much as you.

Since I can remember, I have wanted to be on the stage.

Really? What's your talent? Washing and drying?

No. No, no. I dance in the chorus.

Oh.

- That was before I met my husband, Amos. - Look, honey, you want some advice?

Here it is, direct from me to you.

Keep your paws off my underwear, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Thanks.

For nothin'.

She's something, ain't she?

I tell you, no matter how big she gets, she's still as common as ever.

I'd like to help you, dearie.

Take a load off.

So, what do you figure on using for grounds?

- Grounds? - What are you gonna tell the jury?

I just figured I'd tell ‘em the truth.

- The truth? - Yeah.

- That's a one-way ticket to the death house. - Holy Mother of God.

Oh, relax. I mean, in this town, murder's a form of entertainment.

Besides, in 47 years, Cook County ain't never hung a woman yet.

So, the odds are 47 to one that they won't hang you.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

You're talking to the wrong people. What you need is Billy Flynn.

- Who? - Billy Flynn.

He's only the best criminal lawyer in all of Illinois.

What he don't know about juries and women...

How do you get this Billy Flynn?

Well, not by praying, dearie.

First you give me $100, then I make a phone call.

$100? Well, you just...

I mean, it seems pretty steep for a phone call.

But he's worth every cent.

I mean, he's never lost a case for a female client yet.

With a sweet little puss like yours, well,

let's just say justice ain't so blind in Chicago.

- He's never lost a case? - Never.

Every girl in this place would Kill to have Billy Flynn represent her.

ALL: (SINGING) Billy

We want

Billy

B-/

Double-L-Y

We're all

His

He's our

Kind of a guy

And, ooh, what luck

‘Cause here he is

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the silver-tongued prince of the courtroom,

the one, the only,

Billy Flynn!

(SINGING) / don't care about expensive things

Cashmere coats

Diamond rings Don't mean a thing

All I care about is love

- That's what I'm here for - That's what he's here for

I don't care for wearing silk cravats

Ruby studs, satin spats Don't mean a thing

All I care about is love

All he cares about is love

Give me two eyes of blue

- Softly saying... - I need you

Let me see her standing there

And honest, Mister, I'm a millionaire

I don't care for any fine attire

Vanderbilt might admire

No, no, not me

- All I care about is love - All he cares about is love

(BILLY WHISTLING)

WOMAN: What about my trial date?

- Good morning, ladies. - (WOMAN PLEADING IN HUNGARIAN)

- Not guilty! - You tell 'em, sweetheart.

That's what he's here for

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Miss Kelly, do you remember anything at all about that night?

I passed out completely, Miss Sunshine. I can't remember a thing.

- Only that I didn't do it. - Any idea who did, dear?

No. No, but my client is offering

a substantial reward to anyone with information about this crime.

- How much is the reward, Miss Kelly? - I don't know. How much?

We'll work it out after the trial.

Now, if there are no more questions, Miss Kelly and I have a lot of work to do.

REPORTERS: Over here! Over here!

What's all this about a reward?

Awfully dumb, reporters. They'll write it up wrong,

you deny the whole thing later on. Thank you.

REPORTER: One more question! Over here.

All he cares about is love

- Mr. Flynn. I'm Roxie Hart. - Who?

- Mama talked to you about me. - Oh, yeah. Right, right. The cute one.

I was hoping that you might represent me.

Do you have $5,000?

(LAUGHS)

Gee, that's a lot of money. Mama didn't say anything about $5,000.

Lookit, Mr. Flynn, I'm not very good at this sort of thing,

but maybe we could make some sort of arrangement between us.

I can be an awfully good sport.

Good. You got that out of your system. Now, listen.

You mean just one thing to me. You call me when you got $5,000.

All he cares about is love

Show me long raven hair

Flowing down

About to there

When I see her running free

Keep your money, that's enough for me

I don't care for driving Packard cars

Or smokin' long buck cigars

No, no, not me All I care about is doing a guy in

Who's picking on you

Twisting the wrist that's turning the screw

All I care about

Is

Love!

Oh.

He'll see you now.

- Well, hello, Andy. - Amos. My name is Amos.

That's right. Take a seat.

You know, you're a remarkable man.

Huh?

Your wife two-times you, plugs the guy, then tries to pin it on you.

Most men would let a dame like that swing.

But no, you're sticking by her. Makes you a hero in my eyes.

That's right. I'm a hero.

Did you bring the money?

I didn't do as well as I hoped, but I will, Mr. Flynn. I will.

This is only $1,000.

Plus $300 I borrowed from the guys down at the garage.

There's $700 from the Building and Loan fund.

Two thousand.

And that's all I got so far.

But I'll give you $20 off my salary every week.

I'll give you notes with interest. Double. Triple. Till every cent is paid.

- I promise. - When you came to me yesterday,

I didn't ask if she was guilty, I didn't ask if she was innocent.

I didn't ask if she was a drunk or a dope fiend. No.

All I said was, "Do you have $5,000?" You said, "Yes."

But you don't have $5,000. So I figure you're a dirty liar.

And I don't waste my time with dirty liars.

Look,

I'm real sorry, Mr. Flynn.

On the other hand,

your devotion to your wife is really very, very touching.

I took your wife's case and I'll keep it,

because I play square.

Now look, Hart.

I don't like to blow my own horn,

but, believe me, if Jesus Christ had lived in Chicago today

and if he had $5,000 and he'd come to me, things would've turned out differently.

All right, this is what we're gonna do.

By the end of the week, I'm gonna have Roxie's name

on the front page of every newspaper in town.

Sweetest little jazz killer ever to hit Chicago.

That's the angle I'm after.

We'll make an announcement we're gonna have an auction.

Tell 'em we got to raise some money for her defense.

They'll buy everything she's ever touched. Everything.

Your shoes, your dresses, your perfume, your underwear.

ROXIE: Victrola records! Like the one I was playing when I shot the bastard.

- I didn't hear that. - Not that I didn't have grounds, mind you.

- Hey, what are they? - That's for when we go to trial.

Look, nobody, nobody's gonna care a lick what your defense is

unless they care about you.

So, the first thing we got to do is work up some sympathy from the press.

They're not all pushovers like Mary Sunshine.

But there is one thing that they can never resist.

And that is a reformed sinner.

Right. So tell me, what was your favorite subject in school?

(SCOFFS) I was a real dummy.

There must have been something you were really good at.

Oh. I got high marks on courtesy and hygiene.

- Perfect. You wanted to be a nun. - (LAUGHS) A nun?

- Where were you born? - On a chicken farm outside of Lubbock.

A beautiful Southern home filled with every luxury and refinement.

Where are your parents now?

Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.

Parents dead. Family fortune swept away. You were educated at the Sacred Heart.

Then you fell into a runaway marriage. Left you miserable, alone, unhappy.

And of course you got all swept up in the mad whirl of this city.

Jazz, cabarets, liquor. You were drawn like a moth to the flame.

- A moth? - Now the mad whirl has ceased

and you are a butterfly, crushed on the wheel!

So which is it? Is it the moth or the butterfly?

- You have sinned and you are sorry! - God, that's beautiful.

Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted.

BILLY: Kid, when I'm through with you, not only will you be acquitted,

every man on that jury will want to take you home to meet his mother.

I was born on a beautiful Southern convent.

- What? - Oh, holy shit!

Oh, I'm never gonna get this straight!

Oh, pipe down the swearing.

Look, from here on in, you say nothing rougher than "Oh, dear". Now try again.

I was born on...

(TOILET FLUSHING)

VELMA: So I came up with some more things to do on the witness stand.

I thought I'd get all teary eyed and ask to borrow your handkerchief.

Then I thought I'd take a peek at the jury like this.

Flash 'em a bit of thigh, huh? What do you think?

Sounds great.

VELMA: Hey. Don't you want to hear the rest?

Tomorrow, kiddo. You're at the top of my list.

Well, well, well.

Sorry to be late, Mr. Flynn.

- Uh-huh. - Hope you weren't too bored.

BILLY: I like it.

I like it!

Hey, Pollyanna, I heard your press conference is tomorrow.

Yeah. What's it to you?

Well, you wanted my advice, right? Well, here it is.

Don't forget, Billy Flynn's number-one client is Billy Flynn.

Meaning what?

Meaning don't let him hog the spotlight.

You're the one they pay to see.

BILLY: Now, remember, we can only sell them one idea at a time.

ROXIE: Yeah. I can still see him coming at me with that awful look in his eyes.

- BILLY: And? - And we both reached for the gun.

That's right. You both reached for the gun. Ready?

Yeah.

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Good day, gentlemen. Miss Sunshine.

My client has just entered a plea of not guilty.

We look forward a trial at the earliest possible date.

Now are there any questions?

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Miss Sunshine. - As you know, my paper is dry.

Do you have any advice for young girls seeking to avoid a life of jazz and drink?

Absolutely, yes. Mrs. Hart feels that it was the tragic combination

of liquor and jazz which led to her downfall. Next question.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would just like to say how flattered I am that y'all came to see me.

- Mrs. Hart is very... - You see I was a moth,

crushed on the wheel, you know? A butterfly drawn to the... To the...

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I bet you want to know why I shot the bastard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Shut up, dummy.

Mr. Billy Flynn in the Press Conference Rag.

Notice how his mouth never moves.

Almost.

Where'd you come from?

(SINGING) Mississippi

And your parents?

Very wealthy

Where are they now?

Six feet under

But she was granted one more start.

The Convent of the Sacred Heart

- When did you get here? - 1920

- How old were you? - Don't remember

- Then what happened? - I met Amos

And he stole my heart away Convinced me to elope one day

Oh, you poor dear, I can't believe what you've been through.

A convent girl, a runaway marriage. Now tell us, Roxie...

Who's Fred Casely?

My ex-boyfriend

- Why'd you shoot him? - I was leavin'

- Was he angry? - Like a madman

Still I said, "Fred, move along” She knew that she was doing wrong

- Then describe it - He came toward me

- With a pistol? - From my bureau

- Did you fight him? - Like a tiger

He had strength and she had none.

And yet we both reached for the gun

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, we both

Oh, yes, we both Oh, yes, we both reached for

The gun, the gun, the gun, oh, yes

We both reached for the gun For the gun

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both Oh, yes, they both reached for

The gun, the gun, the gun, oh, yes

They both reached for the gun For the gun

Understandable, understandable

Yes, it's perfectly understandable

Comprehensible, comprehensible

Not a bit reprehensible

It's so defensible

- How're you feeling? - Very frightened

Are you sorry?

Are you kidding?

- What's your statement? - All I'd say is

Though my choo-choo jumped the track I'd give my life to bring him back

- And? - Stay away from

- What? - Jazz and liquor

- And? - And the men who

- What? - Play for fun

- And what? - That's the thought that

- Yeah? - Came upon me

- When? - When we both reached for the gun

Understandable, understandable

Yes, it's perfectly understandable

Comprehensible, comprehensible

Not a bit reprehensible

It's so defensible

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both reached for

Let me hear it!

The gun, the gun, the gun

Oh, yes, they both reached for the gun For the gun

A little louder!

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both Oh, yes, they both reached for

The gun, the gun, the gun

Oh, yes, they both reached for the gun

Now you got it!

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both Oh, yes, they both reached for

The gun, the gun, the gun

Oh, yes, they both reached for the gun For the gun

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, they both

Oh, yes, they both Oh, yes, they both reached for

The gun, the gun, the gun

The gun, the gun, the gun

Both reached for

The

Gun

Both reached for the gun

MAN ON RADIO: Move over, Al Capone,

the Windy City has taken a new criminal to its heart.

The name on everybody's lips is Roxie Hart,

the sweetest little lady ever accused of murder in Chicago.

Women want to look like her, fellas want to go out with her.

Some little girls even want to take her home.

Don't get any ideas, little lady!

On the other side of town, the Assistant DA promises

the game little sharp-shooter will swing before the year is out.

- She'll swing before the year is out! - Who knows?

If he lives up to his word,

Assistant DA Harrison might become Governor Harrison some day.

Back at the scene of the crime,

everybody wants a little piece of Roxie Hart.

This jar of cold cream set her husband back $20!

Maybe this pretty little lady will get some of that famous Roxie style.

It seems everybody these days is rooting for Roxie Hart!

MAMA: Take those wilting flowers to the orphanage.

And make sure they know who sent them.

So, kiddo, given any thought to what you want to do after Billy gets you off?

- Yeanh. I think I'd like to go on the stage. - I figured as much.

- I already called the Morris office. - Really?

How much is that gonna cost me?

My standard deal. 10% of all your takings.

Yeah, well, we'll see, Mama. Besides, I don't even have an act yet.

Killing Fred Casely was your act.

I mean, that's all those stiffs in the audience want,

to say they saw somebody famous.

That's a freak act.

Besides, I am better than that.

Of course you are, cupcake.

I mean, you could be as big as Sophie Tucker.

You really think so?

Bigger than Cantor and Jolson combined.

I've always wanted to have my name in all the papers.

You know, before I met Amos, I used to date this well-to-do ugly bootlegger.

He used to like to take me out and show me off.

Ugly guys like to do that.

(LAUGHS)

ROXIE: Once it said in the paper, "Gangland's Al Capelli

"seen at Chez Vito with cute blonde chorine."

That was me. I clipped it and I saved it.

You know, all my life I wanted to have my own act.

But, no. No, no, no.

Always no. They always turned me down.

One big world full of "No."

And then Amos came along.

Safe, sweet Amos,

who never says no.

Lookit.

I've never done this before.

But, you know, it is such a special night and you are such a great audience.

And...

And I just... I really feel like I can talk to you, you know?

So forget what you've read in the papers

and forget what you've heard on the radio because... Because...

Because I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Not that the truth really matters.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - (INAUDIBLE)

But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

In the bed department,

Amos was zero.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, when he made love to me, it was like...

It was like he was fixing a carburetor or something.

(IMITATING AMOS) "I love ya, honey, I love ya."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Anyway, I started fooling around.

Then I started screwing around,

which is fooling around without dinner.

Then I met Fred Casely,

who said that he could get me into vaudeville.

But that didn't quite work out like I planned.

I guess it didn't really work out too great for Fred, either.

So I gave up on the whole vaudeville idea,

because you kind of figure, after all those years,

opportunity's just passed you by.

(SINGING) But it ain't

Oh, no, no, no, no, but it ain't

And now?

Well, if this Flynn guy gets me off,

with all this publicity, I got me a world full of "Yes!"

The name on everybody's lips

Is gonna be Roxie

The lady raking in the chips

Is gonna be Roxie

I'm gonna be a celebrity

That means somebody everyone knows

They're gonna recognize my eyes

My hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

From just some dumb mechanic's wife

I'm gonna be Roxie

Who says that murder's not an art?

And who, in case she doesn't hang

Can say she started with a bang?

Roxie Hart

Boys?

They're gonna wait outside in line to get to see

Roxie

Think of those autographs I'll sign Good luck to you

Roxie

And I'll appear in a lavaliere that goes

All the way down to my waist

Here a ring, there a ring Everywhere a ring-a-ling

But always in the best of taste

I'm a star.

And the audience loves me.

And I love them.

And they love me for lovin' them.

And I love them for lovin' me.

And we love each other.

And that's 'cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods.

And that's showbiz...

Kid.

She's giving up her humdrum life

I'm gonna be... Sing it!

Roxie

She made a scandal and a start

And Sophie Tucker'll shit, I know

To see her name get billed below

Roxie Hart

Roxie, Roxie

Roxie, Roxie

I just can't take it anymore.

I can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!

Oh, no, Mama. Not you, too.

I have some bad news, kid.

- The tour's been canceled. - What?

Your name's been out of the papers too long.

All you read about today is that Hart kid. She's hot.

And what am I supposed to do, huh?

Suck up to her, like everybody else?

Couldn't hurt.

Over my dead body.

Mind if I join you?

MAN: (OVER PA) Lights out, 10 minutes.

Smoke?

Look what some Johnny sent me.

Triple-cream caramels, all the way from San Francisco.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

I'm watching my figure. You know. The trial.

Hey, great mention of you in the Trib today, huh?

There have been so many, I just can't keep track.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, did I ever tell you, you are exactly the same size as my sister?

I mean, you'd fit into her costumes perfectly.

- (GASPS) Really? - Yeah.

And I was thinking, you know, with all the publicity that's piled up between us,

and when Billy gets us off, we'd be a natural to do an act together.

You think so, huh?

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Velma Kelly in an act of desperation.

(SINGING) My sister and I had an act that couldn't flop

My sister and I were headed straight for the top

My sister and I earned a thou a week at least

Oh, yeah.

But my sister is now unfortunately deceased

I know, it's sad, of course

But a fact is still a fact

And now all that remains

Is the remains

Of a perfect

Double act

Watch this.

Now, you have to imagine it with two people.

It's swell with two people.

First I'd...

Then she'd...

Then we'd...

But I can't do it alone

Then she'd...

Then Id...

Then we'd...

But I can't do it alone

She'd say, "What's your sister like?"

I'd say, "Men!"

She'd say, "You're the cat's meow"

Then we'd wow the crowd again

When she'd go...

I'd go...

We'd go...

Then those ding-dong daddies Started to roar

Whistled, stomped, stamped on the floor

Yelling, screaming, begging for more

And we'd say, "Okay, fellas, keep your socks up,

"cause you ain't seen nothin' yet."

But I simply cannot do it

Alone

So what do you think, huh?

Come on, you can say.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I know, you're right. The first part's shit.

But the second part? The second part is really nifty.

Okay.

She'd go...

I'd go...

We'd go...

And then those two-bit Johnnies did it up brown

To cheer the best attraction in town

They nearly tore the balcony down

And we'd say, "Okay, boys, we're going home,

"but before we go, here's a few more parting shots."

And this, this we did in perfect unison.

Now you see me going through it

You may think there's nothing to it

But I simply cannot do it

Alone

(PANTING)

So where was the part where you blew her brains out?

Okay, Roxie, I'll level with you.

No, no, no. Don't bother. You think you're fooling me?

You're all washed up and it's me they want now.

And I'm a big star. Single.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You were in the paper today, too. In the back.

With the obituaries.

"Velma Kelly's trial has been postponed indefinitely."

Oh.

Seven words. Wow.

Oh!

And here's a little piece of advice, direct from me to you.

Lay off the caramels.

BANDLEADER: And now for all you Chicago stay-up-laters,

you night owls who only come alive after dark,

we dedicate this tune,

Chicago After Midnight.

(MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING)

BILLY: Listen, this all took place on Lake Shore Drive?

Incredible! Incredible!

All right, yeah, thanks, Don.

My God. They just arrested this woman for a triple homicide.

- Really? - Yeah, and get this. She's an heiress.

Yeah. The family's in pineapples, grapefruit, some kind of fruit.

So, anyway, this dame, Kitty what's-her-name something,

she's playing house, on the north side, in an apartment with a guy named Harry.

What Harry does for a living, no one's quite sure,

but it doesn't really matter because she's footing all the bills.

Anyhow, Kitty comes home tonight,

Harry's already in bed, which is par for the course for Harry.

She goes to change.

When she returns, she notices something rather odd.

Extremely odd.

Kitty disappears for a second, cool as a cucumber.

When she returns, she gently wakes up Harry.

Harry says, "What? I'm alone."

She says, "Alone? You got two other women in bed with you."

So get this. Harry, he says,

"Come on, doll. You gonna believe what you see or what I tell you?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Goodnight, folks.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Miss Baxter. Miss Baxter. Mary Sunshine from the Evening Star.

I wonder if you wouldn't mind saying a word or two?

Sure, I'll say three. Go to hell!

Please direct your questions to her counsel.

You're not my counsel. I want my money back.

It's not your money. It's your mother's money.

- WOMAN: Are you sorry, dear? - Sure I'm sorry.

Sorry I got caught.

ALL: Oh!

- ROXIE: Hey! Miss Sunshine! - Not now, Roxie.

I got a letter from a guy.

He says that he's going on a hunger strike until I'm free.

That's nice, dear.

REPORTER 1: Miss Baxter. Miss Baxter, did you know these two ladies personally?

Did I know these two ladies personally, was that your question?

Yeah, that's my...

- (GROANS) - (ALL GASP)

She's very high-spirited, isn't she?

Miss Baxter.

Oh. Hey! Mr. Flynn! Mr. Flynn!

- Yeah, hi, Trixie. - It's Roxie.

- Yeah, sure, I was just kidding. - Hey, did you get my trial date yet?

- Listen, kid... - I'm at the top of your list, right?

- Go to hell! - Boy, what a hellion, huh?

Socialite, too. Her mother owns all the pineapples in Hawaii.

What the hell do I care about pineapples?

- All right. All right. - Listen. I... Hey! Hey! Hey!

All right! Miss Baxter will answer all of your questions,

and afterwards, I'll be happy to give you an interview myself.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

VELMA: How's it feel, kid?

J. Edgar Hoover couldn't find your name in the papers.

Mr. Flynn?

(GASPS)

BILLY: Someone open this door immediately.

Oh, my God. Roxie. What is it, dear?

(STAMMERS)

Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry about me.

Oh, I only hope the fall didn't hurt the baby.

- Baby? - Shit.

Roxie!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Roxie, when did this happen, darling?

Well, Doc, is she or isn't she?

She is.

(SIGHS)

Would you swear to that statement in court?

Yes.

Good. Button your fly.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

I would just like to say that,

well, my own life doesn't matter now, just that of my unborn child.

SUNSHINE: Poor dear. To have your baby born in jail.

- My readers won't stand for it. - BILLY: I can assure you that won't happen.

She'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment.

You can quote me on that.

Well, I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.

- When's the baby due, Roxie? - AMOS: Roxie!

Roxie!

Roxie, I just heard the good news. I'm the father. I'm the father!

Hey, Roxie, who's the father?

That question's completely out of line.

How dare you insult this brave young woman.

That's enough. We're out of here.

AMOS: Roxie. Roxie, honey.

It's me, Daddy. It's Daddy.

Roxie, I came as soon as I could.

Rox?

AMOS: (SINGING) If someone stood up in a crowd

And raised his voice up way out loud

And waved his arm and shook his leg

You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show

Yelled, "Fire in the second row!

"This whole place is a powder keg!"

You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen

Everyone gets noticed now and then

Unless of course that personage should be

Invisible

Inconsequential

Me

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane

Should've been my name

Mister Cellophane

‘Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

I tell ya

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane

Should've been my name

Mister Cellophane

‘Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

BILLY: Oh.

I didn't see you. Sit down, sit down.

Look, Andy, I'm afraid I've gotta hit you hard.

I only hope that you'll be big about it.

Amos. My name is Amos.

Who said it wasn't? Oh, it was the kid. The kid's name I was thinking about. Yeah.

Know when she's due? September.

(STAMMERS)

But pass out those cigars anyway.

I don't want you to give a damn when people...

- People what? - (SIGHS)

- Laugh. - Laugh? Why would they laugh?

'Cause they can count.

Can you count? September.

Here's a copy of Roxie's first statement from the DA's office.

It says she hadn't copulated with you for four months prior to the incident.

Well, she would know.

Yeah, I guess we hadn't done no copulating since...

Wait a minute. That don't figure out right.

I couldn't be the father.

Forget about that now. My client needs your support.

You mean she needs a meal ticket.

That's all I've ever been.

- But this time she's gone too far. - What are you gonna do?

- Divorce her? - You're damn right!

I'll divorce her!

She probably won't even notice.

(TELEPHONE BUZZING)

Yeah? Yeah, put him through.

A human being's made of more than air

With all that bulk you're bound to see him there

Unless that human being next to you

Is unimpressive

Undistinguished

You know

Who

- You still here, Andy? - Yeah. I'm still here.

I think.

Should've been my name

Mister Cellophane

‘Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

I tell you

Cellophane

Mister Cellophane

Should've been my name

Mister Cellophane

‘Cause you can look right through me

Walk right by me

And never know I'm there

Never even

Know

I'm there

I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

I've been waiting here for 10 minutes. Don't do that again.

This dress makes me look like a Woolworth's lampshade.

I'm not wearing this.

You're wearing it because I tell you to wear it.

I'm not wearing this dress.

And when Andy's on the stand, I want you to be knitting.

Knitting? Oh, for Christ's sake!

- A baby garment. - l don't know how to knit.

- Then learn. - That is no way to win a jury's sympathy.

- Oh, you don't need advice anymore? - Lookit, here, Mr. Mouthpiece!

It seems to me that I am the one who's coming up with the good ideas.

I am sick of everybody telling me what to do. And you treat me like dirt. You know that?

You treat me like I'm some dumb, common criminal.

But you are some dumb, common criminal.

Well, it's better than being a greasy Mick lawyer.

Who happens to be saving your ass!

Who's out for all he can steal!

Maybe you'd like to appear in court without me.

Maybe I could. Have you read the morning papers? They love me.

Wise up! They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged.

You know why? ‘Cause it'd sell more papers.

- You're fired. - I quit.

Any lawyer in this town would die to have my case.

You are a phony celebrity. You're a flash in the pan.

In a couple of weeks, no one's gonna give a shit about you.

That's Chicago.

(WOMAN SHOUTING)

What happened?

It's the Hunyak. She lost her last appeal.

So what's that mean?

Well, that means that, next week, she's gonna...

This is Mary Sunshine coming to you from the Cook County Jail

where history will be made today.

Katalin Halenscki will become the first woman

in the State of Illinois to be executed.

And so, ladies and gentlemen...

BANDLEADER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for your pleasure and your entertainment,

we proudly present Katalin Halenscki

and her famous Hungarian disappearing act.

(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)

You know, it's really not that bad.

You clear about everything we agreed on?

Yep. I've been up all night rehearsing.

What do you do when Harrison starts coming after you?

I sit still, and look straight ahead. Never at the jury.

- And? - And I look modest.

- And... - And?

- And say nothing. - That's right!

- That was the deal. Right? - Right.

Right. You asked me back. I do all the talking this time.

- Absolutely, Billy. Whatever you say. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- (DOOR OPENS) - MAN: Mr. Flynn?

- His Honor's here. - Thank you.

- You ready? - Yeah.

- Billy? - Mmm-hmm.

I'm scared.

Don't be.

I've been around a long time. Believe me, you got nothing to worry about. It's...

It's all a circus. A three-ring circus.

That's all. These trials. The whole world.

It's all show business.

But, kid,

you're working with a star.

(SINGING) Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate

Give 'em the old hocus-pocus

Bead and feather ‘em

How can they see with sequins

In their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll never catch wise

(ALL CLAMORING)

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous

Row after row will grow vociferous

Give 'em the old flimflam flummox

Fool and fracture ‘em

How can they hear the truth

Above the roar?

Roar, roar, roar

Throw ‘em a fake and a finagle

They'll never know you're just a bagel

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll beg you for more

- I object! - Sustained.

Your Honor, I haven't even asked the question yet.

Give 'em the old double whammy

Daze and dizzy 'em

Back since the days of old Methuselah

Everyone loves the big bamboozler

Give 'em the old three-ring circus

Stun and stagger ‘em

When you're in trouble, go into your dance

Though you are stiffer than a girder

They'll let you get away

With murder

Razzle dazzle ‘em And you got a romance

- Hello, Amos. - Amos.

That's right, Mr. Flynn. Amos.

BILLY: Amos. When did you file suit for divorce?

A month ago.

BILLY: Was there any reason for filing at this particular time?

AMOS: I'll say.

The newspapers said Roxie was expecting a little stranger.

Well, that's hardly grounds for divorce, is it?

A little too much of a stranger.

Oh.

By that, you mean you doubted the paternity of the child?

- Well, sure. - Tell me something, Amos.

- You share a bed with your wife? - Yes, sir. Every night.

You expect this jury to believe that you slept next to this woman

every night without exercising your rights as a husband?

- I could've if I wanted to. - Oh, but you didn't?

- No, I did. - Did what?

- Want to. - But you didn't.

- Didn't what? - What you wanted.

Wait a minute. I'm getting confused here.

Tell me, Hart, you tell me, did you ever question Roxie herself?

Did you even bother to ask if you were the father of her child?

- No, sir. - No. No.

But if you became convinced that you were wrong,

you'd be man enough to admit it, wouldn't you?

You'd even be willing to take her back if Roxie swore

that you were the father of her child, which she does.

She does?

She does! She does!

No more questions. You can step down now.

Well done, Andy.

Roxie, I'm so sorry.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Show ‘em the first-rate sorcerer you are

Long as you keep 'em way off balance

How can they spot you got no talents?

Razzle dazzle 'em

Razzle dazzle 'em

Razzle dazzle 'em

SUNSHINE: This is the moment we've been waiting for.

Roxie Hart finally takes the stand in her own defense.

And they'll make you a star

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

- (GAVEL POUNDING) - JUDGE: Order! Order! Order!

- Proceed, Mr. Flynn. - BILLY: Roxie, I have here a statement

in which you admit to having illicit relations with the deceased, Fred Casely.

- Is this statement true or false? - I'm afraid that's true.

You're an honest girl, Roxie. When did you first meet Fred Casely?

When he sold Amos and me our furniture.

Your personal relationship with him, could you tell the jury when that began?

When I permitted him to escort me home one night.

I don't think I would've gone with him

if Mr. Hart and me hadn't quarreled that very morning.

- Quarreled? - Yes, Sir.

Well, I suppose it was his fault?

Oh, no, sir. It was my fault.

I suppose I just couldn't stop pestering him.

Pestering him? About what?

I didn't like him working those long hours at the garage.

I wanted him home with me.

(SCOFFS) To darn his socks and iron his shirts.

I wanted a real home and a child.

So you drifted into this illicit relationship because you were unhappy at home?

Yes. I was, I was most unhappy.

Roxie Hart!

The State has accused you of the murder of Fred Casely.

- Are you guilty or not guilty? - I'm not guilty.

I'm not guilty! I killed him. I did.

But I'm not a criminal. I'm not a criminal.

- There, there. - (SOBS) I'm not a criminal.

Roxie?

Uh-huh.

Do you recall the night of January 14th?

Uh-huh.

Could you tell the jury, in your own words, the happenings of that night?

Well, when Fred came over, I told him my good news.

What was that?

That me and Amos were gonna have a baby and that it was all over between us.

- What happened then? - Well, then...

Um...

Then...

Did he threaten you, Roxie?

Objection, Your Honor. Counsel is leading the witness!

Sustained.

What did Casely say when you told him the news?

"I'll kill you before I see you have another man's child!"

Could you tell the audience, the jury, what happened next.

Well, in his passions, he tore off my robe and he threw me on the bed.

And Mr. Hart's pistol was lying there between us.

- And then? - And then we both reached for the gun.

But I got it first. And then he came toward me with this funny look in his eyes.

He was angry and wild.

- Wild! - Wild!

- And did you think he meant to kill you? - Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir!

So, it was his life or yours?

And not just mine. I closed my eyes and I shot.

In defense of your life!

To save my husband's innocent unborn child.

- (SIGHS) (ALL GASP)

WOMAN: Roxie!

(ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Order!

(QUIETLY) What a bull's-eye, huh?

- Rox? Roxie? - JUDGE: Order in this courtroom!

I'll clear this court if necessary!

There's pandemonium here in the courtroom.

(OVER RADIO) Mrs. Hart's behavior throughout this ordeal

- has been truly extraordinary. - Yeah, I bet it has!

Opening her eyes, she fans herself with her attorney's handkerchief.

- Handkerchief? - Poor child has had no relief.

She looks around now bewildered, seeming to want something.

Oh, it's a glass of water.

Oh, Mama, that was my bit! I told Billy I was gonna do that at my trial!

- (SHUSHING) - But now her eyes flutter wildly and she...

- Mrs. Hart has fainted again. - Oh, please!

She slumps over, her chiffon dress up around her knees,

revealing a glimpse of a blue garter with a rhinestone buckle.

Mama, she stole my garter.

- She stole my garter! - Don't break my radio!

God! First, the slob steals my publicity, then she steals my lawyer,

my trial date, and now she's stolen my goddamn garter.

What do you expect? I mean, these days you get a little success,

and it's good riddance to the people who put you there.

There ain't no justice in the world.

And there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Nertz to that.

You think I got you up here just so you can listen to my radio?

People write some pretty interesting things when they think no one's looking.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Mama.

Ooh!

MAN: State calls a rebuttal witness.

Left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,

- so help you God? - And then some.

Have a seat.

Would you state your name for the record, please?

Velma Kelly.

Miss Kelly, will you please tell the court if the object I am holding

is the one you happened to come upon in the defendant's jail cell?

- Yes, itis. - I submit this as Exhibit X.

Roxie Hart's diary.

I object! My client has never kept a diary.

Even if she did, this would be invasion of privacy,

and violation of the Fourth Amendment, and illegal search without a warrant.

Yeah. And she broke the lock.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- (GAVEL POUNDING) - JUDGE: Order! Order!

Well, that settles that. I'll allow it.

What's the big deal?

- It's just a bunch of doodlings. - (SHUSHES)

If you would read for us, please, Miss Kelly.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I haven't worked in a while.

"What a laugh, plugging Fred Casely."

- What? - "The big baboon had it coming."

"I'm just sorry I only got to kill him once."

I never wrote that. It was you.

- She made that up! - JUDGE: Order!

- She made that up! - JUDGE: Order! Order! Order!

Please, Mr. Flynn, get control of your client.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. It won't happen again.

Sit down and shut up. It's only making it worse.

I have no more questions.

Your witness, Mr. Flynn.

Ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.

Tell me, Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Mr. Harrison?

Maybe to drop all charges against you in exchange for testifying here today?

Well, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Good. Good. Since you gave such an impressive performance

for Mr. Harrison, would you do me the same honor?

- I'd be delighted. - Thank you.

"Fred Casely assured me he'd get me an audition, down at the Onyx.

"And then he reneged on his pledge and that was my motive for attacking him."

Pretty fancy way of saying,

"He was a big fat liar who welched on a deal, so I shot him."

"Amos accused me of having an affair, so I told him

"that the charge was erroneous."

Objection, Your Honor! Mr. Flynn is twisting this evidence

to draw conclusions that are specious and...

- Erroneous? - Exactly.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

JUDGE: Order! Order!

Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of the word "perjury"?

- Yes, I do. - Do you also know that it's a crime?

VELMA: Yes.

For example, if it turns out that you knew that this diary was a fake,

I'd hate to think of you rotting away in prison for the next 10 years,

especially since you just won your freedom.

Look, all I know is what I was told.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

So, all right.

So you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?

No.

Mama... Miss Morton gave it to me. She said someone had sent it to her.

Someone? Any idea who this mysterious benefactor might be?

No. She didn't know.

All right. Let's see if we can we work this out?

Someone who writes about reneging on pledges

and erroneous charges...

Call me crazy, doesn't that sound like a lawyer to you? A lawyer!

A lawyer who obviously had a sample of my client's handwriting.

Mr. Harrison, didn't you ask Roxie to write out a confession for you?

Yes. But you're not suggesting that I tampered with evidence, are you?

No, no. No, I... Don't be ridiculous.

That's thoroughly and utterly absurd. But now that you mention it...

Your Honor, this is outrageous!

It's outrageous, I agree, to even suggest

that the prosecutor would make a thieves' bargain with the notorious Velma Kelly,

and then fabricate the very evidence that set her free!

Just so you can win another case and move one step closer to the Governor's mansion!

- That's simply beyond all imagining! - I will hold you in contempt.

No, it is not even conceivable!

But if it were, wouldn't it be time to say come clean, Mr. Harrison, come clean?

Even in Chicago this kind of corruption cannot stand, will not stand!

- JUDGE: That's enough, Mr. Flynn! - l agree, Your Honor.

It is enough!

The Defense rests.

(OVER RADIO) Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mary Sunshine

reporting live from the Cook County Courthouse.

The city of Chicago has come to a complete standstill

as the trial of the century finally draws to a close.

Mrs. Hart sits quietly at the defense table,

hands folded, wondering what fate has in store for her.

And now a hush falls over the courtroom

as the 12 men of the jury file slowly back to their seats.

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

The jury has reached a verdict.

JUDGE: Will the defendant please rise?

What is your verdict?

MAN: We, the jury, find the defendant...

Roxie Hart is innocent! She's innocent! Get your paper.

Roxie Hart is free. She's free. Roxie...

(GUNSHOTS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

MAN: Come on! Move it! First she shoots the husband, then she plugs the lawyer!

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Hey. Hey. Don't you want to take my picture?

Hey...

Hey, I'm the famous Roxie Hart. What happened?

Billy, what the hell happened?

This is Chicago, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.

But my publicity, Billy. My name in the papers.

- l was counting on that. - Your gratitude is overwhelming, kid.

I just saved your life.

Yeah. And you got $5,000. And what do I get? I get nothing?

Five? Actually, it's 10 once I collect from Velma.

- I get nothing? - Don't forget your blessed diary.

Hope you don't mind. I added a few erroneous phrases in there.

Sorry, I couldn't tell you.

Couldn't take a chance.

Never lost a case.

You're a free woman, Roxie Hart.

And God save lllinois!

AMOS: Roxie.

What do you want?

I want you to come home.

You said you still wanted to. And the baby...

Baby? What baby?

(SCOFFING)

Oh, Jesus!

What do you take me for?

There ain't no baby.

There ain't no baby?

They didn't even want my picture. I just...

I can't understand that.

Why didn't they even want my picture?

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

ROXIE: (SINGING) It's good

Isn't it grand?

Isn't it great?

Isn't it swell?

Isn't it fun?

Isn't it

Nowadays?

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Roxie Hart says goodnight.

There's men everywhere

Jazz everywhere

Booze everywhere

Life everywhere

Joy everywhere

Nowadays

You can like

The life you're livin'

You can live

The life you like

You can even marry Harry

But mess around with lke

And that's good

Isn't it grand?

Isn't it great?

Isn't it swell?

Isn't it fun?

Isn't it?

But nothing

Stays

You can like the life you're living

You can live the life you like

Didn't she kill a guy a while back?

Who can keep 'em straight anymore?

But mess around with lke

And that's good

Isn't it grand?

Isn't it great?

Isn't it swell...

That's great. We'll be in touch.

You know, I'm not quite finished yet. I have... (STAMMERS)

I have. Wait. One more. I could, uh...

Just a second, I'm not...

God damn it!

- Thank you! - Here's your music, hon.

Thanks.

God damn it.

You know, you're really pretty good.

Yeah, that and a dime.

What are you doing here?

I heard you'd been making the rounds.

Yeah, well, if it was up to you, I'd be swinging by now.

Come on. I always knew Billy would get you off.

You should learn how to put things behind you.

Well, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list,

right after finding a job and an apartment with a john.

Just shut up and listen to me.

You really are something! Coming in here like some goddamn queen bee,

all full of advice for a poor slob like me.

Well, let me tell you something, Miss Velma Kelly.

I got a new life now.

And one of the best things about it is it don't include you.

Fine. I just thought we could help each other out.

Well, you thought wrong, didn't you?

Look, listen to me. Look, I talked to this guy downtown.

He said one jazz killer's nothing these days, but two...

We can make a couple of hundred a week.

Think about it, Roxie.

Our faces back in the papers, our names on the marquee.

Velma Kelly and Roxie Hart.

Shouldn't it be alphabetical?

That could work.

Couple of hundred? Maybe we could ask for a thou.

We're worth it.

Forget it.

- It'll never work. - Why not?

'Cause I hate you.

There's only one business in the world where that's no problem at all.

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Chicago Theatre is proud to announce a first!

The first time anywhere there's been an act of this nature.

Not only one little lady, but two.

You've read about them in the papers, and now here they are,

Chicago's own Kkiller-dillers,

those scintillating sinners,

Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!

BOTH: (SINGING) You can like

The life you're livin'

You can live

The life you like

You can even marry Harry

But mess around with lke

And that's good

Isn't it grand?

Isn't it great?

Isn't it swell?

Isn't it fun, isn't it?

But nothing stays

In 50 years or so

It's gonna change, you know

But, oh, it's heaven

Nowadays

BANDLEADER: Okay, you babes of jazz. Let's pick up the pace.

Let's make the parties longer. Let's make the skirts shorter.

Let's all go to hell in a fast car and keep it hot!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY)

(INAUDIBLE)

Me and Roxie would just like to say thank you.

Thank you!

Believe us, we could not have done it without you!

And all

That

Jazz

That jazz

BANDLEADER: Five, six, seven, eight!

(UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)