Original subtitles

Testing. Testing.

Tim. Tam. Tommy told tales at twilight.

It's an exciting day at St. Denis.

The internet sensation Colby Twill

is going to be performing a free show

for our pediatrics unit.

You can't buy PR like this.

Twilight. Twilight.

Can you hear me all the way back there?

- Yep. - Twilight.

OK, I need everybody on their A-game today.

We've got a reporter driving in from Portland.

This is not going to be a typical Friday at the hospital.

Today, our actions matter.

Take a look at this.

The last time we were featured in "The Oregonian,"

it was all the way down on page 19.

Today, we have the opportunity to land

right smack on the front page.

This could read, "St. Denis wows kids with free concert."

Wait, they passed the salmon ban?

You got to be kidding me.

My roommate works at a cannery.

He's pissed. - Yes.

Huge overreach, in my opinion.

- That's insane. - Enough. Enough!

Ron, have you prepped the green room for Colby?

Oh, yeah.

Room-temp bottled water and two kinds of Nutri-Grain bars.

OK, that's not what I asked you to do.

I wanted a charcuterie board with a flight of local jams.

I'm not going to worship some famous internet guy

just to impress the last six people who read the paper.

Are you guys trying to sabotage this opportunity?

Come on.

Are we afraid of a little success?

Joyce, we're going to make sure everything goes great.

Thank you.

It's just crazy that some bean counter from Salem

gets to decide how we catch our fish.

Last thing I'll say. Am I wrong?

- Right? - No, you're not.

Colby Twill. I'm so excited!

- OK. - Yeah. It's my day off.

And technically, the concert is supposed to be for patients,

but Ella did this project at school

recently where she had to interview one of her parents

for their job.

And she chose Tim, who sells grass seed.

I mean, I get it.

You know, they're able to spend more time together than we

are because I'm always here.

But today, she's at Mom's job.

So, you know, I'm really hoping that hanging out with me

is more fun than, uh, grass.

Ooh, look at the stage.

- Ella. - Serena.

Matt.

Hi, I'm Matt.

So when are we going to hit up the clurb,

dance with some randos, eh?

We're already going to our favorite clurb after,

Cold Stone Creamery.

- Mom, they're filming you. - I know.

Are you excited for Colby Twill?

Yeah. He's so funny.

It's kind of random he's coming here.

It's not that random.

And of course she's excited.

She's getting to skip school for a concert.

My mom let me skip school for 13 years,

but then the state got involved.

OK, we're going to go get settled, so--

Great. have fun.

Bye.

Colby Twill, baby.

Yeah, my niece got me into him.

She's got a bunch of emotional problems,

so she's really into the internet.

And now I'm actually meeting him, and she's so pissed.

Should I have invited her?

Eh, she's a lot

Anyway, I've always said that surgeons are the celebrities

of the hospital, so I have a feeling that Colby and I are

going to get along famously.

Pun very much intended.

All right, jam time.

Get out of here.

It's an ad right now, but--

So I just need you to put on a smile

and play nice with Colby when he gets here.

I will treat him just like any person

I meet at the hospital, with dignity, empathy, and respect.

Shut up. Move. Here he is.

Hi, Mr. Twill.

Colby, hi. Hi.

Dr. Joyce Henderson.

I'm the one who spoke with your management.

Yeah. It's nice to meet you.

That's a sick blazer. - Thank you.

Isn't it?

It is-- it is very sick.

Oh, this is Dr. Ron Leonard.

Hey, nice to meet you. Thanks for having me.

Yeah.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

He actually seems pretty nice.

Good manners.

He does have a moderate-sized lump on his neck,

which could be an early sign of thyroid cancer,

so a lot of surprises.

OK, everybody smile.

There it is. All right, guys, thanks.

Enjoy the show. Cool guitar.

Hey, Twill. Schweitz.

Sounds like a pretty good duet.

What?

Oh, it's when two people sing the same song.

Hey.

Dr. Bruce Schweitz, trauma surgeon.

Huge Twillionaire. - Oh, appreciate it.

Bless, man. Listen, I got to--

You know it's funny--

you can keep taking some candids.

Yeah, I think we're pretty similar, you and I.

You heal people through music,

and I heal them through-- well, healing them, you know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Give us some space here.

Can't we just wait until after the concert to tell him?

I mean, is it really a right now problem?

Well, we're in the hospital right now,

and he has a potentially cancerous neck lump right now.

So as times go, right now's looking pretty good.

What if we just wait a couple of hours?

You want to wait a couple of hours

to tell someone they might have cancer?

Isn't that a bad look?

Who cares how it looks?

How is anyone even going to know that we--

we have to do this right now, Ron.

Ron, we've got to do what's right.

And that is that.

End of discussion.

Wait, so you're saying I might have throat cancer?

No, not throat. Thyroid.

Yes, very close to the throat but not the throat.

Oh, my God.

I've got to make some calls. - OK.

You know, it's probably nothing.

But the good news is, here at St. Denis,

we have the best doctors in Eastern North Central Oregon.

And as soon as the concert's over,

we'll give you a full workup.

Hey, Joyce, there's--

- Not now, Serena. - OK, but we--

Serena.

No, I can't do this.

I don't think I could perform right now.

I'm just going to be thinking about my rotting neck and--

OK, you know what?

It's not a question of rot, if it helps.

It's more your neck is growing too fast.

You actually are having too much neck.

The more important point is we can take a look at you

straightaway. The concert can wait.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yes, your health is more important.

Thank you, Ron. - Want to come with me?

- Yeah, thanks. - Of course. Of course.

Hey, so this is--

What?

What is so goddamn important?

This is the reporter from "The Oregonian."

- Hi, I'm Andrew. - Yeah, you are.

Pleased to meet you. Welcome in.

Let's get you a cake pop.

Listen up. Listen up.

We need to kill some time onstage before Colby.

I've got a reporter out there staring at an empty stage.

I need to give him something.

My cousin plays a fiddle and sings pretty good,

but he does live in Saskatchewan.

Then why are you talking?

Does it have to be a singer?

Hector does an amazing Bill Clinton impression.

Terrible idea. Really bad.

I could dislocate my shoulder and pop

it back into its socket.

OK, someone else talked besides Keith.

Matt, what's up with you?

I can't be seeing the whole picture, can I?

I used to do some magic in my basement,

but my parents don't allow illusions,

so I've never performed above a whisper.

Great, there's cards in the break room. Go.

You know, I don't usually broadcast this,

but I do a little stand-up.

I have what we comedians call a tight five.

Make it a loose ten. Let's go.

I feel your pain.

That's how he does it. It's so funny.

Right?

Isn't this is so cool?

You're here at the Colby concert,

and your friends at school are all like,

aw, the cosine of the angle is equal to the hypotenuse.

Oh, here we go.

All right, St. Denis, who's ready for Colby Twill?

Well, great, because he's going to be here later.

all: Aw.

Oh, come on.

You didn't think we were going to bring Colby out cold,

did you?

This is more of a Coachella-type vibe,

featuring the homegrown talents of St. Denis.

And now, a guy who really puts the funny in funny chaplain,

Chaplain Steve.

- Thank you. - Yes.

What is up, St. Denis?

Ever notice how you can't say anything anymore?

Look at this guy. He's already offended.

Anyway, here's a list of accents

and what I think they mean about each country.

Nope. Thank you, Chaplain Steve.

What a thrill.

OK, I'm going to go get our next act,

so talk amongst yourselves.

So what's-- what's going on with your girls, huh?

Haven't seen Maddie around the house lately.

- She moved to D.C., Mom. - Already?

I thought that was next-- - Can I have your phone?

Yep. There you go.

Yeah, you know, Ella's going to be a teen soon.

And it just feels like I'm losing her.

I used to take her to the zoo and let her use that machine

that flattens the pennies.

She just loved it.

I guess I'm just chasing that zoo penny high, you know?

Someone just texted me, "I guess

surgeons are kind of like the celebrities of the hospital."

L-O-L. What does that even mean?

So we're just putting your insurance paperwork through,

then your ultrasound technician has

one patient in front of you. - Cool. Thanks.

Whoa. Not cool. Sorry.

You can bump that nobody.

We got a VIP here. He doesn't wait.

You wait.

You really don't have to do that.

Yeah, we're not bumping anyone.

He's a regular patient like everyone else.

Regular patients don't do promoted posts

for HelloFresh, Ron.

Right?

Please, just, like, do whatever you normally do.

I don't need special treatment.

Oh, OK. Good.

Hey, I know it's not a good time, but can I get a selfie?

This really isn't a good time.

I understand. Maybe just cover the lump.

Hey, is Colby going on soon?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

But have you been watching this guy?

He's getting some pretty good air with those things.

- And he dropped it. - Yeah.

We see that, Serena. - Sorry.

I just thought he was going on at noon.

Well, that was the plan.

But you know how celebrities are.

Just got to head out soon.

I'm covering a ribbon cutting for the new ice rink,

and it's all the way back in Portland.

Oh. OK.

Well, let me just give it the old check-a-rooney.

It's here if you want it.

Ron?

There you are.

What the hell is taking so long with Colby?

Excuse me, have you never been to a hospital before?

We're waiting on his insurance company to get back to us

about-- - Oh, never mind that.

Just give him whatever he wants, bill it to the hospital.

It's on the house.

I need him down on that stage making headlines.

St. Denis helps Colby help kids' dreams come true.

- That's a terrible headline. - OK.

Just get him back down there.

See, this is the problem.

A celebrity shows up, we give them whatever they want.

We pay for everything.

Open tab.

Meanwhile, I got an ER full of patients who can't

even afford basic services.

They're the ones that need help.

I mean, we should be--

hold on a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, and also children,

forget everything you know about reality.

That's enough smoke, Carlos.

I've studied a lot of famous magicians--

Blaine, Angel, Penn, not so much Teller.

And there's one common thread.

Magicians must be mysterious.

Small child, choose a card and prepare your mind.

- Ace of hearts. - Nope.

Sorry, I was unclear.

Choose a card from the deck and prepare your mind.

Ah, she's chosen a card.

But what card will it-- wait.

OK. Sorry.

You're supposed to show the audience so

that they'll know what it was.

It was the nine of clubs.

You know, let's just start over.

Prepare your mind. - Alex.

Hey, there she is.

- You forgot her name again. - What?

No. Listen.

How many patients are we sitting on

with non-coverage denials?

Like a lot.

So Joyce just told me to bill any services Colby Twill wants

directly to the hospital. - OK?

So what if it just so happens the services he wants

are the exact services our uninsured patients need.

It'd be like a shopping spree.

Yes. But we have to move now.

OK. Hey, Ella.

Ella.

Listen, I need you to come with me for just a little bit,

OK? - I don't want to miss Colby.

You won't, I promise.

I just need you to watch me work for just

a little bit, all right? Come on.

- Can I-- - Yes.

Five more minutes on the phone. Fine. OK.

Sorry.

Was this your card?

- I don't remember. - It was.

It was her card. - Boo.

This guy sucks.

Who?

Hey, come on now.

He's trying his best.

He's just not that good at it.

Some people like to tell stories while they whittle.

Not me.

OK, this is a [bleep] show.

But luckily, Colby's going to be here soon.

That'll be good because the reporter guy seems

like he's ready to bounce.

Oh, no, no, no.

OK, Serena, do you think you could occupy the attentions

of our journalist friend?

You want me to flirt with him?

I didn't say that out loud.

On it.

Nothing overtly sexual.

OK, well, feel it out. Feel it out.

- OK. - You know what you're doing.

Yeah.

Working an Oregon guy's super easy.

Just bring up REI, coffee beans, IPAs,

or the "Dune" movies, and they just go wild.

Also applies to lesbians.

All right, I'm just going to be a second.

So you can just hang out here and watch-- not "Bridgerton."

No, I think phone time is over.

OK?

Just hang out, all right?

Baby, you can't touch that. Don't touch that.

You can't touch anything, actually.

It's a-- it's a sanitation issue.

Sorry.

Should I maybe go back to school?

What? Ella.

It's OK.

It's French bread pizza day, and

you're just working now, so--

No, honey, I promise that today is going to be

way better than that, OK?

Better than French bread pizza?

Don't write a check you can't cash.

Let's just do this fast before she hates me forever.

These are all the patients that can't afford

specialists and screenings. - Great.

Code them all to Twill.

And, um, Mrs. Falco in 11 could really

benefit from a cervical exam.

Screw it. Code to Twill.

OK, cool.

- That's crazy. - Yeah.

They send you a new bag of beans every month.

Well, they're probably not single-origin or anything.

No. They are single origin.

Andrew, you may have just saved my mornings.

Now, find me a place where I can buy a decent carabiner.

Wait, have you not been to REI?

What's that?

Shoot.

I really have to get going, but it was so nice meeting you.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't go anywhere. Colby's coming.

I really need to get to this ribbon cutting.

The mayor's going to be there, so--

So what?

What's the biggest thing that's going to happen there?

Someone's going to take the giant scissors

and chop his head off?

Aw, do you really have to go?

I mean, we're just starting to--

OK, muscles.

Didn't see those, but I can definitely feel them.

- I-- - Wow.

I could probably leave in, like, 10 minutes.

How are you this strong?

I play pickleball once a week.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

All right, I've got another Code Twill here.

Facial laceration that could benefit from plastics.

Hey, if this is all free, you think

I could also get some lip filler?

Counteroffer.

I can leave the hook in, and we can move on to someone else.

Damn it.

Can you get these patients over to X-ray?

- Yeah. Yeah. - I will stall them.

- Holy crap. - Pretty gnarly, right?

And it wasn't an accident. I was targeted.

No, no. Thank you.

She doesn't need to see that. Appreciate it.

Twill featuring Schweitz, or Schweitz featuring Twill.

Could work. - Hey.

Leaving so soon? - Yeah.

No surprises on the ultrasound.

So it's showtime.

So they didn't find anything on the CT scan?

CT scan? What? You didn't order a CT.

Well, I figured we'd get the initial screens

and go from there.

Wait, so I'm not in the clear yet?

Well, medically speaking,

we are kind of sure you're in the clear.

A CT scan would just make us very sure,

but kind of sure is still pretty sure.

- I don't want to be a hassle. - You're not a hassle.

But I feel like being, you know, very sure--

Yeah, with you, I'd like to be very sure.

- Yeah, that might be good. - Oh, sure.

It would be so good.

I'll go tell everybody it'll just be a smidge longer.

- OK, thanks. - All right.

Hey, how much money you make on YouTube?

It depends on what the definition of the word "is" is.

That was also him.

Please throw out your trash.

OK, that was our last act before Colby comes out,

which is going to be any minute.

How about some trivia?

You want to play some trivia?

Candice, I need you to expedite labs in 5 and 12.

Raj, I need a full autoimmune panel in 20.

Holly, take Mrs. Edmunds down for a chest X-ray.

Code it to Twill. Go, go, go.

OK, but there's a huge backup right now, so--

No, you tell Dr. Lee we have a level two priority patient

in need of urgent imaging.

And don't you budge till he takes her.

- OK. - All right.

Knees to the breeze, Holly. Go, go, go, go!

Alex, I got to go to radiology.

Get these to the lab, stat. We're on borrowed time.

I can't. I've got to take him down for a PET scan, Ron.

Who am I going to send?

OK, honey, I am so sorry to do this.

But I need you to take these down to the lab for me, OK?

- Wait. Really? - Yes, really.

There is a big metal door that says "laboratory" on it

and a judgy guy named Carl who sits behind some glass, OK?

If he gives you any pushback, you tell him I sent you.

My name is Nurse Alex, not Mom.

- Is this all people's blood? - Yes, it is.

- Am I allowed to do this? - You are not.

Don't tell anybody. Whee.

So fun. So fun.

OK. Bye-bye.

All right, Mr. Harris, here we go.

OK, just stay very still.

Ooh. Is that something?

It feels like something, right? Come on, Colby.

Get in on this. What you got?

No, it's all right. I'm fine.

- Stop moving. - All right.

He's just talking to me. - Stop.

OK.

Got to stop moving, Colby.

Give me an R.

crowd: R.

What's that spell?

all: St. Denis Regional Medical Center.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

What else? What else?

Hey, this was kind of--

I don't know what this was, but I'm going to slip out.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, wait.

I actually wanted to show you something.

Come with me. You'll see.

All right. Yeah.

Awesome. - But that's--

Wait. What?

my tonsillectomy story.

Hopefully, yours will be better.

Hey, kids, this is Andrew.

I don't know your last name.

But he's from the newspaper.

Whoo! - Whoo!

Yeah.

So Andrew's going to help us get hyped up for Colby, OK?

So when he says Saint, you say Denis.

Saint. crowd: Denis.

Oh, come on.

Colby's not coming out until he hears more love than that.

Again. - Saint.

crowd: Denis! both: Saint.

crowd: Denis!

And where are we, in a library?

Louder! - Yeah.

all: Saint Denis!

Saint Denis!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

All right, we are pumped!

Yeah!

Yeah, Saint D!

Sorry for the delay, guys.

I-- I had kind of a scary morning,

but a really great doctor helped

me out today, Dr. Ron Leonard.

Clap it up for Dr. Ron Leonard.

Thank you, Dr. Ron. Come on, Twillionaires.

You ready to start the show? How do you feel?

Make a little noise!

Let's do this thing!

♪ Yeah

♪ I farted in front of people

♪ Unleashing some kind of new BO ♪

♪ This fragrance should be illegal ♪

♪ All because I farted in front of people ♪

Come on, make some noise!

So that was Colby Twill, and those were his "songs."

Look, my parents didn't understand the Beatles, so OK.

♪ I made a little

So the doctor was able to tell that

just from looking at his neck? That's wild.

Not to me.

I've always known that St. Denis

has the best doctors in Eastern North Central Oregon, period.

Of course, you're the writer.

You put the period wherever you want.

♪ Poopy, poopy

- ♪ Dookie D - ♪ Yeah

♪ Poopy, poopy

♪ Dookie D

Come on.

♪ Poopy, poopy

♪ Dookie D

Hey!

♪ Poopy, poopy

- ♪ Dookie - Nope.

Dad, Colby Twill was amazing.

Yeah, I had to watch Mom work at first,

but it was pretty cool.

She used her clean the house voice on, like, adults.

"Pretty cool."

That's a direct quote.

So yeah, definitely a zoo penny day.

Well, Colby was a hit.

And today, we got a front-page story better

than I could have hoped for.

But most importantly, the kids loved it.

And also, you can't put a price on good publicity.

He was worth every cent we spent on his--

Jesus, what the is wrong with Colby Twill?

Cervical exam?

It's none of my business.