Original subtitles

Medical tech supervisor to ICU.

Medical tech supervisor to ICU.

Okay, go!

all: Happy birthday!

Guys, guys, come on.

Don't make a big deal just 'cause

it's my birthday, bitches!

Yeah!

Uh, I'm looking for my husband.

They said he was brought here after the gas station fire.

Oh, yes. I'm, uh, so sorry.

Let me--I'm-- I'm gonna turn this off.

Um--

Oh, this is my jam!

Come on, ladies.

Let's get in position.

Excuse me.

My husband was in a fire.

I'm sorry. What?

How do the buttons on this work?

He was in a fire.

Oh, yeah, you do, girl.

Get it.

So we have a new policy here at the hospital.

No more Bluetooth speakers on the floor, okay?

They've abused the privilege.

Well, Mr. Carter, your tests have come back negative

on all the usual respiratory infections,

so we're in rare disease territory now.

Oh, wow.

Exciting, right?

Should--should I be worried?

Nah, worrying causes stress,

which impedes the immune system--

not what you need right now.

Now, my mind goes right to hantavirus,

but it could be diphtheria or plague.

Ooh, dengue.

These all sound terrifying.

I know.

You'll be fine.

Excuse me.

Is that a cat in there?

Yeah, uh, Jasper's my emotional support animal.

Oh, that's fun. So fun.

Um, and you have the paperwork to prove that's a real thing?

I do.

Good.

He--he's probably thirsty.

Could I get a small dish of water for him?

Room temp is fine.

Of course.

Okay, not her. There's another. Not her.

Okay, here's a big group. Not her. Not her. Not her.

- Matt. Matt. - Yep.

Maybe just warn me when it is Serena.

Okay? - Oh, sure.

I guess that could work.

Yeah, Serena and I always go big for each other's birthdays.

It's just kind of this fun thing between us.

Surprise! Happy birthday!

But this year, I did something pretty special.

For weeks, I have been working on this video.

I mean, it's really more like a short film, you know?

It's, like, pictures and clips and special effects, so...

So like a slideshow?

Yeah, like a slideshow.

Oh, here comes Ron.

Okay, again, only if it's Serena.

Yeah. Everybody's dressed the same.

It's confusing. - Yeah, I know.

What's all this for?

It's Serena's birthday.

Ah.

I better fire up the old excuse machine,

get me out of whatever nonsense she has planned.

Didn't you get the email?

We're all going to O'Malley's.

Yeah, hence the bling.

Ooh.

A woman's necklace?

No, it's a--it's a chain.

It's a cool man's chain.

Yeah, I didn't get anything.

Oh.

Well, I mean, she-- she knows you hate stuff

like this, so she--you know.

- I do. - Yeah.

Well, it saves me having to come up with some backstory

about this uncle died or that uncle died.

Right.

I have lost 37 uncles so far this year.

It's an epidemic.

Yeah.

Well, enjoy your woman's necklace.

It's--it's a chain.

Pretty pumped about Serena's birthday drinks.

I hit up the mall, got a chain and some new jeans.

The sales lady called them boyfriend jeans,

which I think is a good sign.

Oh, also, I downloaded a Spotify playlist

called Top Hits since I'm not familiar

with the latest music.

I hope they play "We Don't Talk About Bruno."

That is kind of my new jam.

Cats are cold, selfish, and judgmental.

I can't think of a worse support animal.

Well, what about porcupines, right--

with those sharp quills?

Thanks for the support. Ow.

I guess that would also be bad, wouldn't it?

Or a dolphin.

Can you imagine wheeling that tank around?

Splish, splash. Not for me.

You know, I think you're missing the point.

Nope, I've got it--giraffe.

How would that work?

What, I gotta raise the ceiling to even get him in here?

Oh, I'll just go pull some permits.

What a headache.

Yeah, I don't think anyone's bringing

an emotional support giraffe into this hospital.

Devastated I missed the context for this.

Expanded labs for patient Carter.

All right.

Oh, well, well, well.

Schweitz, camera, action.

I'm--I'm sorry, the bubonic plague?

Incredible, isn't it?

But, like, the plague, plague?

You know, let's just keep our voices down, okay?

Yersinia pestis, the black death.

Bring out your dead! Right?

"Monty Python." - Oh, my God.

You know what? It's really not that bad.

I think "Monty Python" was playing up the grimness

for the comedy, you know?

Oh, yeah, you'll be fine.

500 years ago, you'd have been screwed,

but we've got antibiotics now.

Yeah, there is one side effect, though.

It's so rare, the doctor who diagnoses it

gets quite a bit of press, you know.

I have to call my family.

As do I, my friend. As do I.

No, I think we need to keep this between us for right now.

What? Why?

I don't wanna cause widespread alarm

if I don't have to.

Oh, hey, everybody, come on down to St. Denis.

We've got great doctors, comfy beds,

and just a little touch of the black death.

That's an ad that would convince no one.

Hey, can you make sure the guy in 109

gets heparin at 6:00?

Nope. I'll be at O'Malley's.

You mean Serena's thing?

I thought that was close friends only.

I think she invited pretty much everyone.

You're not coming?

No, I didn't get roped into that.

Luckily.

Luckily, I did not get roped into that.

♪ We remember

I almost used "Closing Time,"

but I think we used it for Dale the security guy's funeral.

Oh, this was the right call.

You should try "YMCA" by the "Despicable Me" minions.

Have you heard that track?

No, I'm an adult, so...

Lots of adults like the minions--

Gru-- - Hey, guys, listen.

If we talk, we're gonna miss it, okay?

So let's-- - Yeah.

Keith!

No microwave. It's a birthday.

But it's ramen. I need to--

Eat it dry, Keith!

I'm treating myself to whatever snacks I want

this morning because today is my 50th.

Yup, half a century.

Feels big.

Hmm.

Can you believe that was five years ago?

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh. I guess it has been five years.

Mm-hmm.

Can't believe it.

Remember--

Remember when Bruce came in in shorts,

and he had razor burn all over his legs?

Yeah, that was funny.

That was really funny.

Oh!

Here we go.

Abscess supercut.

♪ Abscess supercut

Oh, man.

♪ Abscess supercut

Keith.

Shh.

Now, it's crucial we do some contact tracing.

We've gotta figure out where you picked up the plague.

Okay, can we call it something else for right now?

How about the giggles? - Sure.

Have you been in any flea-infested dwellings

or touched any open, festering wounds

that could have given you the giggles?

No, I don't think so. Can we not call it the giggles?

Well, what else is fun? I'm not married to the giggles.

Well, hold on. What's that, uh, scratch?

Where'd you get that? - Oh, uh, Jasper.

I thought it'd be cute to put a little lime helmet on him.

He did not agree.

I'm sorry, lime helmet?

You peel half a lime, put it on his head.

He looks like a little general.

Right, and--and he's telling you to do this?

No, this has gotta be it.

Cats can carry the plague.

We'll test to confirm, but I think our friend Jasmine here--

Jasper.

Well, pretty sure you said Jasmine.

- Mm-mm-mm. - You did. I know what I heard.

- Be careful, Bruce. - It's fine.

He's very friendly.

Yeah, you just said he scratched you, so...

Just need a quick swab.

Oh! - Oh, Jasper!

Where'd he go?

- Jasper, come back! - Go get him!

Could have used some lime shackles, am I right?

No, that is a problem, though.

I can't believe you let that disgusting thing get out.

Oh, relax, Joyce. It's just a dumb cat.

We'll find it. - Oh, excuse me.

Hayseed. Come here, come here.

You grew up on a farm, right?

It was more of a homestead.

The idea was, when the secular world destroyed itself--

Yeah, but you know how to deal with cats?

The animal or, like, a cool man?

No, we have a cat running around the hospital

that probably has the plague.

- What? - Yeah.

Me-ouch, right?

But for real, it's pretty bad.

We gotta track it down.

Okay, I guess I could help.

Oh, thank you. Oh.

I have that same necklace.

Chico's?

Claire's.

We had a ton of animals around the compound.

No cats.

My grandpa had this thing about cats hypnotizing men

and turning them into perverts,

but I still think I could track it.

Plus, it'd be pretty nice walking into Serena's party

as the guy who knows all the top hits

and captured the plague cat.

Pathology technician to Pathology.

Pathology technician to Pathology.

It was a little long, I know.

Huh?

The video was a little long.

I--director's cut is coming, okay?

No, it was great.

I loved it.

Okay.

Are you all right? You just seem kind of off.

No, I'm good.

Seriously.

Love you. Love the video.

Oh, she hated it.

How do I know?

Because that's the exact voice she used

when I got baby bangs.

And she was right too.

I looked like Lord Farquaad.

Second call, Dr. Jennings.

That's too many words on that poster.

Mm-hmm.

And on another note, the sentiment is insane.

Shh.

I'm trying to get ahead of a narrative here.

There's a cat running around loose, and he's got the plague.

I'm sorry-- the bubonic plague?

What? No!

Yes, whispered at this level.

Ugh, my whole day is screwed.

Tell Serena I'm not gonna be able to make it to her party.

I'm trying to stave off a medieval outbreak.

Wait, hold up.

Serena invited you to her party?

No, my feelings are not hurt,

but it's part of the social contract.

You invite me, I say no.

Then when I'm chilling at my house, it's by choice.

It feels nice.

Okay, so the cat is most likely in zone A or B

or possibly somewhere else.

I could probably track its movements by looking for scat.

They used to call me Scat Matt.

All right, enough with the scat, all right?

I say we place cans of Meow Mix Original Choice

at various points of egress and ingress.

Now, that includes air vents, trash chutes.

Is that him?

- That's him! I did it. - Go, go, go, go, go!

I was a travel nurse before this.

I worked the ER in Miami, Vegas.

I planned to stay at St. Denis six months max.

This town has one sushi restaurant

and one Greek restaurant.

And it's the same restaurant.

Patient Services, pick up 105.

Hey. Whatcha looking at?

Oh, just an old travel nurse friend, Madison.

She's going all over the world.

Oh, God.

That would destroy my intestines.

Okay, uh, gifts continue.

- What? - There you go.

God, thanks.

It's tickets to Kacey Musgraves.

No way!

That's amazing!

Wow.

That's, like, in six months.

Yeah. What, do you got plans?

Nope.

I'm sure I'll just be here.

Thanks.

I mean, I'm just confused at this point.

I thought she liked Kacey Musgraves.

I know she likes getting drunk in parking lots.

So what's the problem?

$300.

Tim's gonna kill me.

Okay, okay.

Uh, all right.

Actually, you know what?

You--you approach slowly, and I'll field marshal from here.

It's just a title, Matthew.

Lose the ego. Come on.

- Here you are. - Shh, shh!

Oh, you found it.

Okay, Matt, go.

- Yeah. - Go.

Hi. Okay.

Move! What's the problem?

She's old and sleeping.

It feels weird to just reach in her lap without consent.

Ronan Farrow is not at the hospital today.

Just grab the damn thing!

Hi, I'm Matt.

Hello!

I'm a nurse! I work here!

I'm sorry!

What the hell, Matt? You're losing him!

I could really cut it up.

I'm, uh, watching a video of myself

at my friend's wedding.

Boy, I let loose that night.

You're watching a video of yourself?

Well, someone sent it to me.

Who?

You wouldn't know him. He's a private person.

You know, I was thinking, you and I are probably

the most fun people in this department.

Did you ever think about that?

Not really.

Boy, I tell you what.

If you and I were ever in the same place at the same time,

boy, that would be pretty dope.

I don't know--next weekend or this weekend

or... tonight?

Madison's doing caviar bumps naked

at a Halfmoon party in Ko Pha-ngan.

And a 68-year-old man just asked

if I wanna go "cut it up" sometime.

What the hell happened to me?

This is what it must have been like in the old days, huh?

Two cowboys out on the plains, hunting for food.

Buffalo Bruce and Matty the Kid.

Well, you've ruined it.

So what's the plan? We just sit here and wait?

This could take all night.

Yeah, so what if it does?

You got plans? Let's see, it's Tuesday.

Is that your Masturbators Anonymous meeting?

No, I don't.

I just wanna get to Serena's party on time.

I wanna be there with her-- for--for her.

Matty.

Matty the Kid, are you crushing?

Oh, you are.

You're crushing hard. - No, I'm not.

Don't. Come on.

Not to Bruce.

Okay, yeah, a little.

Okay.

You know, it's actually pretty sweet.

And I get it, man.

Look, me and Serena had a thing once.

What? When did you two date?

Well, we didn't date, per se, but, um...

So you hooked up?

It was more of an energy thing.

Okay, so then nothing's ever happened between you?

Look, the point is, I'm giving you my blessing, okay?

That should be enough.

I realize I'm just stuck here doing the same things,

going to the same bar every week.

And it sucks! It's my birthday.

I should be having fun today.

Yeah, totally.

Birthdays are supposed to be special.

And today is my 50th--

Can something be about me for, like, one second?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for apologizing.

Well, it's like I always say.

If you want something done right,

you gotta do it yourself.

Ugh. Leslie, help me here, please.

- I'm eating my lunch. - Ugh.

Well, do you have something that can help me find a cat,

like facial recognition or something?

Sure, just hit that button that says Find Cat.

Ugh, okay, your attitude is not helpful.

Oh, Labor and Delivery still has

their Christmas decorations up.

I've told them to take them down three times.

Make a note of that.

And why is this patient trying to put our pillow into his bag?

This isn't Pottery Barn.

Okay, now, where is this cat?

Wait, why is Heather crying?

Oh, yeah.

You know, she was having an affair with a dude

from her Pilates class, and she got pregnant.

What?

And she wants to leave her husband,

but the dude from the Pilates class, he's not down.

He's one of those rolling stone,

like, oh, I just go with the energies.

- Oh, my God. - But that's what keeps her

coming back.

Oh, my God. How do you know all this?

I don't; I just like making up stories

'cause it's boring as hell here.

Well, you have a gift.

Here, kitty, kitty.

All right.

So you didn't wanna wait for Musgraves.

The best I can do is Third Eye Blind tickets

two Thursdays from now, all right?

But I need to know soon because I already listed

the Kacey tickets on StubHub,

and I'm really taking a bath there.

Yo, crazy lady, what are you talking about?

You clearly hated your birthday gifts, all right?

So I'm just trying to figure you out.

I finally know how men feel.

Just tell me what you want.

Okay, calm down.

The birthday gifts are great.

I'm just in my head 'cause I've been here

way longer than I planned and my life is basic.

What?

Aw, babe, why didn't you tell me?

But maybe that's who I am now.

I live in Oregon.

I'm gonna marry some cookie-cutter dude,

pump out a couple of rando kids,

and die, like, in a wheat field or something.

I gotta go round.

So Serena didn't hate my gifts.

She's just scared that her life is gonna turn into a nightmare.

A nightmare that is the exact description of my life,

minus the wheat field.

I'll probably die in a Marshall's or something.

So I was thinking, and, um,

I might be getting a little tired of Oregon.

Aren't we all, sister?

Right, but that's why I might wanna go, like,

work abroad for a year and then see

where that takes me, you know?

Cat!

Oh!

I don't know why I did that.

I don't know why you're harping on this.

I'm not harping on it.

I'm just saying, I don't understand why

I need your blessing if you two never dated.

Okay, I'm this close to revoking my blessing.

Dr. Schweitz and Nurse Matt, we need you in Zone B.

There's a threat. - Go! Go, go, go, go!

- There's a threat in Zone B. - Out of the way!

No, move! Move!

All right. Where's the cat?

Over there!

All right.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Hey! - I'll give it back.

Okay, nice and steady.

Easy does it.

Hey, kitty, kitty.

We're not gonna bite.

Aww, he's so cute.

Don't touch it! It has the bubonic plague!

What?

, you spooked Jasmine.

- Jasper. - He said Jasmine!

Right, there's no need to panic!

- Ron, shut the doors! - On it!

Take your time, Ron.

I didn't engineer the damn door!

- Oh! - Matt! Around!

We'll be trapped inside with it!

It's not the alien from "Alien," Keith.

There's no need to panic!

Keep screaming that. It's helping.

- Oh! - Ooh!

- Oh, whoa! - Oh! Oh!

- Can I have my blanket back? - All right, Serena, you're up.

What do I do? What do I do?

Don't get me. It's my birthday.

Give me that!

I got him!

- Matt! - Attaboy, Matty.

Don't let him get you!

He's getting me! He's getting me!

Oh, yeah.

It's really getting him. - Ow. He's so strong.

Yeah, I, uh, caught the cat.

Feels pretty good.

Scratches sting a little, and I almost certainly

have the bubonic plague, but just another crazy day

in the life of Matty the Kid.

Ah.

I can't believe you just held on to him

while he was scratching you.

Ah, just the plague.

No biggie. - Yeah.

Hey, it's lucky you had on that chastity necklace.

It probably protected your throat.

Bruce, it's a normal chain.

It's not a chastity necklace.

There's no lock. Doesn't make sense.

Well, I think the chain looks sick.

Very gender-bendy.

Oh. Okay.

What's going on here?

Oh, we bailed on O'Malley's.

We felt bad ditching Matt when he got the plague for us, so...

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, I guess I should go.

Uh, hey, uh, Serena!

Uh, Ron says he's leaving. - What?

No, you've gotta stay. It's my birthday.

Let's cut it up.

You heard the lady.

Thank you.

But my uncle Maurice, uh, has run out of treatment options.

I need to be by his side.

But, um, happy birthday, girl.

Mm.

Hey, birthday beans.

I'm sorry, I cut you off earlier.

What were you saying?

Oh, no, it was nothing.

All good.

You know, I realized all of Madison's pictures are selfies

because she doesn't have many friends.

And it shoved me.

And I could go travel and have some wild experiences,

but my people are here.

I mean, I talk to Alex more than my actual family.

And Matt straight up saved me from the plague.

Thanks.

So yeah, this is where I'm supposed to be.

This place still has some surprises.

Blah, blah, blah.

Why are you still talking to these nerds?

Smile, birthday girl.

Ee!

Whoa, what are you all doing he--

is this for my birthday?

I thought you all forgot.

- No. - We would never.

Well, obviously, it's for you, Keith.

- Yeah. - Happy birthday!

All right, guys. Keith's here.

Happy birthday! - What?

I thought it was your birthday, Serena.

Okay, um, well, we all chipped in

and--and got you this.

- Oh, wow. - Yeah.

- Aw, thanks, everyone. - Okay.

Happy birthday, buddy. Whoo! Come on.

Hey, happy birthday, Keith! - Aw.

They thought of me, hon.

Yeah, they even got me Kacey Musgraves tickets.

Yeah, I don't know who he is either.

But I can't wait to find out.

Do you want to come with me?