Original subtitles

'Help!'

Which is the best beach?

Paradise.

It's going nude this summer.

There's power in numbers.

I wish you hadn't done that.

I'm just scared. Oh, no! Help! Oh!

'Russell!'

You got to help me stop whoever gave you this drug.

'I'm telling you Grossman says'

'his uncle's place has everything.'

'It's own beach, a catamaran a fireplace, a microwave.'

'A complete vacation awaits us.'

'Just B-Y-O-G, "Bring Your Own Girls".'

'Hey, this is Balboa days weekend on Ocean Island.'

'They stock the beaches.'

'All the experienced angler's got to do is reel them in.'

'Yeah? What power line do you use?'

Yeah, think about something for a minute

while I see what's going on on the other side. Hi.

It must be getting awfully crowded back there, Boz.

Oh, yeah.

Boz, you promised.

'Boz..'

Okay, okay.

You gotta give him a kiss.

One Tina coming up.

Oh, yeah.

I like that. Pleasure trip.

Hi.

'Will you keep your eyes on the road?'

'Okay, on the road. Got it.'

Oh, no.

Jeez.

It figures. Let the dummy do the driving and look what happens.

Maybe we should turn back before something else happens.

No way, Russell.

The worst that can happen is they'll give you

a ticket for reckless driving.

Can I see your driver's license?

'Cheer up, Russell.'

Think of it as just one of the many firsts

you're gonna experience this weekend.

'Vacation.'

'Man, I love that word.'

Forty eight hours of nonstop, uninterrupted party.

I can hear the music now.

Hey, even a hot dog like you has got to get some sleep.

No way. You're looking at a young, virile party animal.

You don't have to keep up with me, Ponch.

Well, excuse me, party animal.

I'll just watch your smoke.

'You drew duty, Nelson.'

What?

Sorry, but half my shift is out with the flu.

All aboard for the Balboa Days express.

Boarding in 20 minutes.

'Whoo! Whoo!'

- Half hour? - An hour?

They drew duty. Getraer said, "Bobby was low man."

Oh, no.

Yeah, so what does that make me?

The low man's keeper.

Alright, this is the assignment.

- You'll be split-shifting. - Sarge--

Look, I'm in no mood for arguments

and you're gonna have your hands full this weekend.

You'll be patrolling beat 23.

Where's that, Death Valley?

That's Ocean Island beach, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Oh, sergeant!

- 'What are you doing?' - Oh, I'm sorry.

You see, I'm a Latin, and we're emotional people.

Yeah? Well, I'm Dutch, and we're not.

Well, that's great. Then you can still stay at my uncle's place.

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, just remember what you're down there for.

'A weekend at the beach'

'while I'm riding a desk at central alone?'

'You got the sarge to keep you company.'

Great.

'Last turn. Let's burn.'

Go for it!

Well, that was fun, big brother.

Nothing like a couple of turns to settle the mind.

Well, it's back to the academy.

Murdoch says you're doing great.

Well, you know Murdoch.

"Cadet Nelson, deliver or die."

He says you'd be doing better

'if you wouldn't be chasing those girls so much.'

Me? Girls? Wouldn't think of it.

Get outta here.

Hey! Hurry up and graduate

so we can get you to do some real work!

'The Ocean Island ferry'

'will be ready to board in three minutes.'

'All pedestrians, please have your tickets ready.'

'All vehicles with reservations for the 10:00 a.m. ferry'

'should now be in the two outside lanes.'

'All standby vehicles should be'

'in the lane furthest to the right.'

'Move it. Get back to your cars.'

Start your engines. That's right.

Bring it a little forward here, now. Bring it up here.

Hey, Bobby!

Why don't you come up and catch some rays?

By the time the ferry gets over here

we load up and get over to the island

we're going to have to suit up and roll.

I've sighted about five infractions

in the last five minutes.

It's the Balboa Days spirit.

It's a cult weekend. Anything goes.

- How do we handle it? - 'Very, very carefully.'

The trick to the situation is separating the few baddies..

- Hi. - ...from all the goodies.

So welcome to the weekend. I'm Jane, that's Jill.

Hi. Which is the best beach?

Paradise.

It's going nude this summer.

Uh, isn't that illegal?

They can't arrest everyone.

Bye-bye.

- Bye. - Weekend spirit, huh?

That's it. Keep coming. Come on, keep it moving.

Let's go. Right up here. Come on, bring it up.

'Here we go.'

This is going to put me in the dopers' hall of fame.

Feast your eyes on crystallized MDA.

I think I'll call it "the love drug".

And you, my dear, are gonna be the first to test it out.

'Cause I love you, Lily.

Thanks a lot.

Later, okay?

Okay, lady, come on. Move it on out now.

'On behalf of the harbor commission'

'we hope you have a pleasant Balboa Days'

'weekend on Ocean Island.'

Hi.

- Ponch, we gotta do something. - We will.

Ponch, we gotta bust these bozos--

Take it easy, okay?

We come down too hard, and we'll have a riot on our hands.

Come on. Help me take the top off the bikes.

We claim this vessel in the name of Balboa!

On second thought, maybe not.

Getraer hates riots.

'Great place, huh, Ponch?'

Right. Let's hear it for Grossman's uncle.

Hey, guys, we're over here.

Yeah, welcome to Fort Apache, the beach.

What's goin' on here? Who are these kids?

These are Grossie's little cousin's friends.

Or to be more precise, his friends' friends.

And they're staying here, too.

Apparently, his little cousin--

With the overactive glands. Hey, fellows, come on!

Well, he never told his father

that he and his buddies were coming here.

It's on the QT.

'Don't worry.'

It's gonna be wonderful.

The important thing is, you made it.

Boy, are we gonna have a great time.

'Russell!'

Excuse me.

You leave me alone, Russell.

Hey! What are you trying to do with that stuff?

Cover her. Boz says it really turns her on.

Oh, guys, this is my Cousin Russell.

We already met.

They gave me a ticket.

Only one but it should've been more.

'You're kidding.'

Russell, why didn't you tell me this?

Uncle Artie, I gotta get back to my friends.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Hey, Grossman, are you sure this is gonna work out?

No.

But I promised him I wouldn't tell his dad he's here.

It's a big weekend for him, Ponch. He just turned 16.

And tryin' to hit 21 by Monday.

He'll be alright.

We're just gonna have to put on the blinders a bit.

Come on, huh? I'll show you around.

Come on, you guys, I'll help you with

your gear and get you situated.

Think you can squeeze in a swim before you roll?

Well, maybe we could.

'15-mary-6 and 7'

'check on a major disturbance at 310 Neptune Road.'

15-mary-6 and 7. Will respond.

10-4, mary-6.

Cancel one swim.

Can't you read?

This is not a public street. This is private.

Now get this thing outta here.

'My lord, everybody's out here.'

'Hey, big, big 4-2!'

'You got yourself a car up there?'

- Yes, I got a car. - Yeah.

You got big shoulders and a big mouth.

How about you girls? You got a car up here?

Alright, well, you get on up there and move it.

'This is a private street.'

'Well, we didn't know it was.'

Whether you knew it or not there's a big sign right there.

And stay off the flowers!

'My wife raises those flowers'

'and I don't want you trampling through them!'

Hey, big 4-2, is that your car?

- 'Yes, it's my car.' - Well, let's move it.

It's parked in front of my garage.

'Yes, I'm moving. You move your car--'

'That's not my car.'

You and your nudie friends can just sit here

because here come the police.

'I've never seen anything like this. It's unbelievable.'

'Nesbit, have you ever seen anything worse than this?'

- It's terrible. - It gets worse every year.

Just cool off. Now, what's goin' on here?

These people just backed into my garage

'and these ladies are about to run down a couple of cars here.'

Hey! Hey, wait a minute!

Help!

'Help! Help us, please!'

'Hurry! She's..'

'Help! Help!'

You said something about wanting a swim.

Hey, hot dog, wait a minute, if you don't take your stuff off

you're not goin' to come out.

Get away! Catch.

Help!

'Come on in, Bobby. The water's fine.'

You better watch out. There's cops up there.

Give me a break, will you?

What's the matter with you?

You didn't take that love drug yet, did you?

Lily, how am I gonna start selling it to people

if my own girlfriend won't even take it?

I wanna go skating first.

Okay. It's perfect for skating.

It's mellow, baby. I promise you.

You'll be gliding on rainbows.

But I'm scared.

Hey, you forgot who made it. It's me, doc.

the chemistry whiz of the university, remember?

Your boyfriend.

You still have it, don't you?

You're not gonna chicken out on your boyfriend now, are you?

That's my angel. Now go skate.

I wanna hit some of the beach parties

and maybe do a little business.

I'll catch you later.

Lily?

You're gonna be my best advertisement.

You're illegally parked, and you're trespassing

so get those cars out of here right now.

Well, you call yourselves police officers? That's a laugh.

You put that hatchet down, mister, right now.

Put it down.

Alright, but you better call out the National Guard

because we're gonna massacre that bunch.

Wrong, we know you got a real complaint here

and we sympathize with you, but nobody's going to be hurt

over a trespassing violation, is that clear?

- Just look at 'em all. - 'Where are they going?'

'They're going over to the nudie beach.'

Look, I'm sorry, and we'll see what we

can do about this tomorrow, okay?

'Ponch, look.'

'Officer, you better do something'

because this is private property

and we pay our taxes.

Alright.

Arrest those two. Go on.

- 'Bobby, how are you?' - 'Hey!'

You're under arrest for trespassing on private property.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can

and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney

'and to have him present with you'

'when you are being questioned.'

'It was outrageous.'

'We didn't know there was a nude beach there.'

'Sure, Grossie.'

Listen, we were sheep. We were just following the crowd.

We had no idea it was a private beach, honest.

'Right. Well, it's all gotta be in the report.'

Hey, you're not gonna tell Getraer, are you?

'Hey, I have to, man.'

I can't withhold information from a superior.

I got my partner to think about.

He's still on probation.

You're lucky we were there!

- 'Yeah.' - Sure.

Say we were working undercover.

- Yeah, undercover. - On a nude beach?

♪ Sailing

♪ Sailing

♪ Sailing

♪ Sailing

♪ High waves warm sun

♪ Blue skies great fun

♪ Let your dreams go sky-high ♪

♪ High waves warm sun

♪ Blue skies great fun

♪ Come along and let's fly ♪

♪ Isn't it great to be sailing ♪

♪ Sailing sailing

♪ Watching pretty girls at play ♪

♪ Leaving your worries far away ♪

♪ Let's fly

♪ Let your dreams go sky-high ♪

♪ Sailing sailing

♪ Come along and let's fly ♪

♪ Sailing ♪ Sailing ♪

All good things must come to an end.

Time to go to work.

I can't hear you.

Hey, your split shift is starting.

I wish all those kids weren't older than Russell.

'Okay, last play. Option to me.'

Boz, you haven't let me do a thing yet.

That's because I'm saving you for the end.

Okay, Russell through the middle on two.

Right.

'Hut! Hut!'

'Hey, wait a second.'

Last one in the water is a virgin for life!

Hey, that's really mean, Boz.

Nah. That's funny.

Hey, Russell, you alright?

I'm fine. I'm having a great time.

- 'You sure?' - Yeah, I am.

Don't.

What do I know?

This weekend will probably be the best thing

ever happened to him.

If he lives that long.

Hey, man, you okay?

Come on. Let's get you out of here.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey, man, your friends don't know where it's at.

I mean, if they did, they'd be high right now.

I mean, look at them.

But I can tell you're different.

- Really. - Yeah.

That's why I decided to lay a little magic on you.

What's that?

This, my friend, is the love drug.

You take this.

In about an hour, you'll be on the ecstasy express.

I don't do drugs.

Well, hey, it's the perfect time for you to graduate.

I mean, really.

You take this, and, uh, your friends will see the real you.

Hey, man, I promise you they're all gonna be comin' runnin'

for doc's bag of magic tricks.

Only, uh, they're gonna have to pay for it.

You just got yours for free.

'Bobby, we should have napped instead of sailed.'

There's no problem here. These kids are dragging worse than us.

That's why I'm worried.

Officer? Officer?

She's conscious. You can see her now.

Is she out of danger?

Yeah, we think so.

A major artery was severed but..

...your stopping the bleeding till we got there

made all the difference.

What was she on?

Some kind of a homemade psychedelic.

Lily, this is Officer Poncherello.

- He helped bring you in here. - 'Hello.'

'Hey, don't be afraid, Lily.'

- Wanna bust me? - 'No.'

I wanna bust whoever it was that gave you this drug.

But I need your help.

- No. - Hey, careful.

Careful, now. Easy, alright?

Don't ruin my investment.

I got a pint of my best blood in here.

You gave me blood?

So don't worry. You're gonna be alright.

You're gonna come out of this and you're gonna smile again.

Think so?

'Sure. It'll just take time.'

Lily, you gotta help me stop whoever gave you this drug.

No, I can't. I have to sleep.

'No. No, listen to me. Listen to me, Lily.'

There are too many innocent kids down here

trying so hard to pack a whole summer into one weekend

and they'll do anything.

Do you want this to happen to them?

'Do you?'

No.

'Then tell me.'

It was, uh... it was my boyfriend.

She's feeling the effects of the sedative.

I don't know how long she'll be out.

Well, however long it takes, I'll be here when she wakes up.

Her boyfriend.

Boz, are you sure that's Paradise?

I mean, it seems awful early in the morning

for anybody to be at the beach.

Oh, outstanding. Not to be believed.

Come on. I'll-I'll give you this for the glasses.

It's a love drug. It's supposed to be great.

Drugs are for losers.

I don't need anything to impair my..

...oh, vision.

'I don't see anything. The beach is empty.'

Fake-out. Had you goin', didn't I?

You know, you're really starting to make me mad.

I don't think I want you staying here anymore.

- What? - You don't keep your promises.

Okay, but you're not gonna find out

what I had planned for you.

- What? - Oh, never mind.

With the snit you're in you're probably not

ready for any real excitement.

Yes, I am.

- Come on! - Okay.

- 'Okay, turn up the water.' - I am.

'Oh, this feels so great.'

Just to get that sand off my body and the salt water.

'It's all in my hair and made it sticky.'

Look at that!

Go ahead. Just straddle the bars.

'Is the temperature okay?'

'Come on, let's turn up the hot water.'

Ow. Ow. Hot. Ow. Ow. Get off.

- Whoa! - 'Russell, what is--'

You know, Russell, you're really sick!

No, I, no, I, uh..

'...I'm sorry! I'm..'

What am I gonna do with you?

Try cooling him off.

'Are you alright?'

Leave me...alone.

Cousin Russell..

...it's your Uncle Artie, who loves you very much.

The hardest thing about growin' up is making friends.

But sometimes the people you think

are your friends really aren't.

- Go away. - Russell, I'm just--

Go away!

'Just go away.'

- Excuse me, sarge. - Yeah.

I got the information that Ponch wanted

on that ocean island dope dealer.

Suspected dope dealer, Cadet Nelson.

Don't let your enthusiasm get the best of you.

Okay, how 'bout heavily suspected?

I also ran him through the computer.

He's been under surveillance by the campus police

for dealing everything from disco dust to bathtub PCP.

I only asked you to run the registration.

Just being thorough, sarge.

Good. I like that.

Uh, sarge?

Hmm?

I was hoping..

Well, go on. You were hoping what?

That maybe you'd let me ride patrol today with Webster.

Uh, Cadet Nelson, uh..

...every war has its nerve center

where the generals plan the battles

and the orderlies put those plans into action.

Well, Cadet Nelson, this is the CHP nerve center

and you are my orderly.

How's that sound to you?

Dull, dreary, and boring...sir.

'How'd you sleep?'

Considering what we heard in town last night

you're gonna need to be fresh.

'Crowds are gonna be flocking to Paradise today.'

Cora Dwayne is coming.

- Who? - 'Cora Dwayne.'

A former Miss Nude Planet.

Seems Paradise started on her beach.

Miss Nude Planet?

Shh. The last thing I want is Russell knowing.

'Well, I think he already does.'

He ate three jars of oysters for breakfast.

'You really oughta talk to him, Grossie.'

I think his head's not on straight.

He keeps trippin' over his imagination.

I know. But our family's always been like that.

We have to stumble before we soar.

How's the girl?

Her name's Lily and she's gonna make it.

We got an appointment with a Dr. Good-times.

A certain pusher who's gonna become history.

Hey, excuse me.

Hey, uh, like I'm lookin' for my girl.

Like, you know, she's like blonde and really cute

you know. Hey, hey, I was with her yesterday, remember?

Oh, yeah. She was a doll.

Yeah.

No, I haven't seen her.

- Swell. - Hey!

'What I wanna know is'

what was with this chick we heard about?

These hodads said that she was trippin' last night

and freaked out right through a glass window.

Just what kind of pollution you sellin', anyway?

Get off my case, will you? Hey, listen, man

it's always "buyers beware".

Hey, get bent!

'Yeah. I remember Lily from the ferry yesterday.'

'I think she was with this curly-haired guy'

'in an ambulance.'

Oh, can you ID him?

- 'Maybe.' - 'I need a definite.'

There's his car. He can't be far.

Yeah, but he doesn't have to be too far to do any more damage.

Will you call the description

of this vehicle in to the ferry master?

I don't want there to be a chance that

the slime could slip away.

'Ponch!'

I just made him and that's a definite.

And he calls me a hot dog!

Hey, man, it was all a mistake, man.

I can explain everything, really.

Yeah? Well, Lily says hello.

Just don't hurt me, alright?

Turn around, put your hands on your head.

Come on!

"Drugs are for losers."

That's me...a loser.

Russell?

'Russell?'

Russell!

Um...I wanna apologize.

Um...sit down.

Well, Boz can really be a jerk sometimes, you know?

I mean, uh, we shouldn't have come here.

We were just using you, and that's not right.

Where is everybody?

They're playin' in town.

And you stayed here to tell me that?

Yeah, I guess.

Well..

...I thought that maybe if you didn't hate me

well, you could take me for a ride on your catamaran.

You know, I've never been on a boat.

Well, sure. I--

Hey, I'd understand if you don't wanna go, really.

No. Let's shove off.

Okay.

You ready? Now, push.

'Do you know what you're doin'?'

'Sure.'

How are we supposed to get off the beach?

What's your problem?

Keep back! I'm warning you!

What is this? You gonna blow us away for bein' on the beach?

Try it. Just try it!

'Oh, my god!'

'The tide's comin' in!'

Put that shotgun down.

But those people are tryin' to trespass.

Put it down. And I'm not gonna tell you again!

That was an accident. I've got a permit for it.

Hey, you ever take that out here again and you're goin' to jail.

You don't shoot people for trespassin'.

Look, officer. We're not gonna take it anymore.

We're decent people.

It's one thing to have a couple of dozen weirdoes

gallivanting around on a nude beach

but this Sunday, it's becoming a bloody circus.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Yeah, well, you can't block the beach, mister.

Lot of people are gonna get hurt. It's high tide.

Right.

And our private property line

comes to the high-tide mark.

True, Nesbit? He's a lawyer.

Alright, but their safety comes first.

I'm sorry, but I gotta let 'em pass.

No.

Let them, Bill. The police are tryin' to do their best.

It's okay. Come on up. Let's go. Come on.

Sir, about Cora Dwayne..

...how do we get to her place?

Well, she lives up on top of Shoal Canyon Drive.

But if you think talking with her is gonna solve anything

you're making a grave mistake.

Thanks.

I miss anything?

If we get Cora Dwayne in line

maybe the rest will follow.

Who's Cora Dwayne?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Miss Nude Planet.

We have to exhaust all leads, don't we?

Humph. Forgot to tell me.

'You collect stamps?'

'You're kidding. Oh, I'm into that, too.'

- 'You are?' - 'Yes, I--'

Well, I don't like to tell everybody.

It just seem kind of like it's stupid or something.

But, well, I've been into it since I was eight.

I was five.

See, my dad was on this trip to Europe

and I started savin' the stamps from his letters.

And would you know, now I have six full albums.

One is entirely dedicated to Western Indian commemoratives.

- Commemoratives? - Commemoratives.

I'd like to see that.

Well, why don't you come by sometime?

Well, I will. It's a date.

'Russell, is something wrong?'

'No. I'm dizzy.'

Russell, are you okay?

No.

Russell..

'Make it stop.'

Make it stop!

'Russell, what's wrong?'

- 'Your first nude beach?' - 'I'll never tell.'

'It's alright. I'd never believe you anyway.'

'Get the feeling we're overdressed?'

'Easy, tiger. I'm responsible for you.'

Excuse me!

We're looking for a Miss Cora Dwayne.

I...am Cora Dwayne.

Miss Dwayne, may we come in?

We've had a lot of complaints from your neighbors.

Well, boys, don't tell me about those prudes

because I grew up here.

Nudists are not nudists. They are naturists.

You see, it is freedom from fabrics.

Isn't that a lovely philosophy?

Well, we're not here to debate you.

We need your help in putting an end

to Paradise this weekend.

There's gonna be hundreds of people comin' today.

'That's the trouble, ma'am.'

They're causing a lot of problems for your neighbors.

'There are laws.'

The laws must change.

But not this weekend.

I'm warning you. Please don't go any further.

Well, I can do what I want.

This is my beach.

Not if your actions incite a riot.

If you disrobe, I'll have to arrest you

and everyone on this beach.

Well, you can't arrest everyone.

There's power in numbers.

I wish you hadn't done that.

You're under arrest.

'Alright, everyone, listen up!'

'We're gonna call headquarters for transportation.'

Am I gonna need a bus or a squad car?

Because if I don't see fabric back on

you're all gonna be tanning in a cell till Monday.

'Decision's all yours.'

'Let them arrest you.'

You've nothing to be ashamed of.

Hey.

Come on, why ruin a nice weekend, huh?

Why was I born... ahead of my time?

'So you arrested Cora Dwayne, huh?

Yeah. How could you?

Hey, we didn't like it either, guys, huh.

What's gonna happen when you're called into court

to identify her?

No problem. We had terrific eye contact.

'Terrific.'

That's because we're both professionals.

No one said this job doesn't take discipline.

But as Cora Dwayne said when the sheriff was taking her away

in the largest pair of prison gray slacks I've ever seen

I can't wait to get out of this.

Come on, sun. Do me.

'Freaking. I'm freaking out!'

How do we get this boat out of the water?

'I don't know. I can't think. Help me!'

I will. I'm just scared!

I don't know anything about boats.

Oh, no! Oh, Russell!

Help!

I'd really like to take one more turn on that catamaran.

It's out. Tina and Russell are using it.

Really? This I gotta see.

'They're right out there in the bay.'

- I don't see them. - 'You don't see?'

You have all the makings of an overprotective parent.

'There they are, but the boat's turned over!'

'I don't see Russell!'

- Ponch, it is. - Now, you come with me, Bobby.

- You call the coast guard. - I'll do it.

'They're gonna hit the rocks!'

'Please hold still!'

'Stop that!'

Russell, calm down!

'Russell!'

'Help!'

'Help! Please hold on!'

'Help! Help!'

'Help!'

'They got them.'

Hungry, Boz?

That's mean.

- No, that's funny. - No, that's funny.

'Could I have everyone's attention, please?'

Now, I don't wanna make a big deal about it

but I think now's the time

as we gather together in front of this beautiful fireplace--

Later, Grossie.

Much later, huh?

Let him, Ponch. He's really wound up.

Yeah. He feels responsible for what happened to Russell.

What are you, my psychiatrists?

No, that's only part of it.

I've cosmically grown this weekend.

I think we all have.

'Now, I just want us all to close our eyes'

and remember all we've been through.

Now open 'em

'and lift our glasses in a heartfelt toast'

to the real heroes of Balboa days weekend

Frank Poncherello..

'...and Bobby Nelson.'

- Hip-hip.. - 'Hooray.'

Hip-hip..

Hooray.