Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

CHRIS ROCK: When I was a teenager,

I discovered a lot of new things.

I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.

I discovered the barber who's always available

isn't always the best.

[SCREAMING]

Next! I also discovered

that if you hit people with a truck,

they will do anything you want.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Another thing I discovered

is if you're gonna buy cheap furniture,

you better stock up on Krazy Glue.

How come this table keeps wobbling?

I don't know. Your daddy was supposed to fix it.

Chris, go get your father's Krazy Glue.

If we didn't have Krazy Glue,

this would have happened to our house.

And I also discovered something

that would change my life forever.

Playboymagazine?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪

[♪♪♪]

DiscoveringPlayboy changed my life.

It was a foldout of the most beautiful women,

with jokes on the back, football stats, cars

and an interview with McLean Stevenson.

I thought Keisha was cute,

but I'd push her in front of a gas truck

to get to Miss June.

Oh, my God, this kicks ass on the Sears catalog.

Does your dad know you took this?

I gotta get it back before he finds out it's gone.

Wow. Is that a Playboy?None of your business.

Now get out of here.Come on.

I'll give you a dollar to look.

Okay, fine.

Right here, one minute.

Greg, give it to him.

Who knew you could make money

off of naked women?

[GROANING]

What? Ugh.

The truck break down again?Ugh, no.

I tried to kill a spider, broke the handle off the dresser.

Spider?Yeah.

I don't know where they're coming from,

but we gotta do something.

Drew is scared to death of spiders.

My brother Drew wasn't scared of anything,

but after he sawThe Fly, he was terrified of spiders.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]

[DREW WHIMPERING]

CHRIS ROCK: I don't want to tell you what happened

after he sawUrban Cowboy.

Okay, I-I'll go get some bug spray after work.

Okay. Where's the Krazy Glue so I can fix this?

It should be in my toolbox.

Okay.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's wrong with you?Let me fix it.

I know what to do with Krazy Glue.

It's trickier than you might think.

You might glue your fingers together. Let me do it.

Okay then, damn.Okay. Thank you. Okay.

My father knew

that if my mother ever found thatPlayboy,

he'd probably never see a naked woman again.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find it either.

I soon discovered that trying to keep aPlayboy magazine

from a teenage boy is like trying

to keep diamond teeth from a rapper.

Somebody's gonna get that money, might as well be me.

Quarter a peek and... you're done.

You're next. A dollar a look, a quarter a peek.

Thank you.

Okay, time's up. Next.

I'm next.

I found the one thing that united the races:

women.

Thanks, Mantan.Hey, give it back.

That's my dad's.Like your father can read.

My father could ask my mother

if anybody had been in the toolbox,

but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.

Can I go play over at Tricia's house?

What you need to go over her house for?

What you gonna do there you can't do here?

And why you acting all suspicious?

Oh. Hey, Mom, what time is it?

What you need to know the time for?

What are you gonna do, rob a bank?

You're acting suspicious.

Can I have more potatoes?

What you need more potatoes for?

Boy, you getting high? You starting to act suspicious.

Julius, what are you doing?

Uh... Huh? Uh...

I-I thought I saw a spider crawl under here,

and I figured I'd better kill it before Drew saw it.

Well, I'm going to the store to pick up stuff for dinner.

I'll get a can of bug spray too.Okay.

Did you fix the dresser yet?

Uh, got the Krazy Glue right here.

Oh, good.

You okay?

No.

Yeah.

Okay.

The only place my father hadn't looked for thatPlayboy

was in his own room.

Then he realized that if my mother found it,

she could be saving it to use against him.

Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat?

Miss June has one.

[♪♪♪]

Five hundred dollars?

Hey.

What do you want, Tito?I need the magazine back.

You need to get out of here before I knock your teeth out.

My dad's gonna kill me if I don't get it back.

Too bad. I sold it.

See you at your funeral, Slappy.

After my father found that money, he was scared to think

what my mother might want to do with it.

I'm sick of you. I got my own money.

I'm out of here, you cheap bastard!

Baby.

Don't leave me, baby.

Don't leave.

Rochelle. Can you explain this?

Where did you find that?In your shoe.

What were you doing in my shoe?Don't try to change the subject.

What's $500 doing in your shoe?

Where'd you get this?That doesn't make a difference.

I want to know why you were going through my stuff.

I don't go through your stuff.

Yes, she does. He just never caught her.

Rochelle, that's not the point.

I just wanna know about this money.

You mean mymoney?What you mean, your money?

I made it, I saved it, so it's my money.

Let me get this straight.

The money I make, that's everybody's money,

but the money you make, that's your money?

That's right.

Hey, any of you guys see my copy of Playboy?

It was here about 10 minutes ago,

but some eighth grader took it.Look over there.

They were huddled up like they were gonna run

the winning play at the Super Bowl.

What are you doing?Hey, calm down.

Wanna take a look? It's $1.00.But it's my magazine.

Caruso took it.And that's my problem?

All right, who wants to look next?

Hey, Chris!

[♪♪♪]

Oh! Ooh!

Oh...

To whom does this belong? It used to belong to me.

Well, then. Until we figure out

who brought this into our school,

I guess it belongs to me.

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

What's all that bug spray in the kitchen for?

There's a spider in your room.There's a spider in my room?

Can I sleep with you until you guys catch it?

No. Your father will kill it.

CHRIS ROCK: When Tonya discovered Drew was scared of spiders,

she couldn't wait to use it against him.

Julius, can you make sure you kill the spider, please?

I might not be able to find it.

Could be hiding in one of your shoes.

[SHRIEKS][LAUGHS]

It's my hand.

Julius, how come you're acting

so childish about this?

How would you feel if somebody went through your stuff

and took something that belonged to you?

What? I don't have nothing to take.

I'm just saying. What if Chris went through your stuff

and took something?Why'd you pick me?

Why not Drew or Tonya?Why you acting suspicious?

Suspicious? I'm not suspicious.

Well, you sure as hell acting like it. Eat your food.

Ah!

Later that night I discovered

my father knew hisPlayboy was missing.

Chris. You been in my toolbox?

No. Why?

Uh, nothing.

Those tools will hurt you.

If Miss June knew how much trouble she was causing,

she wouldn't be smiling.

Drew. Have you seen, uh...

anything...unusual around here lately?

Like what, a UFO?

What? Now, why would a UFO...?

Never mind.

He even started to grill Tonya.

Tonya, baby?

Yes, Daddy?

Um...

I love you.

That's nice.

The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money,

so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.

Three fifty.

Now get out of here, before I call a cop.

For what? You just robbed me! This don't cost $3.50.

Really? Then why don't we call your mom

and tell her you're trying to buy a Playboy?

Hey, Miss June was fine,

but she wasn't worth going to jail.

[SIGHS]

My last option was to go to Risky.

Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop.

He'd get you liquor.It's for my uncle.

Yeah, don't drink it all at once.

He'd get you cigarettes.It's for my mother.

Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.

He could even get plutonium.

[BOX CLICKING]

It's for my daughter.

Do notuse this all at once.

So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.

Playboymagazine?

I ain't selling you no Playboymagazine.

Boy, what you think this is?

I know your mama. Now, how do you think she'd feel

if she knew you were trying to buy a Playboymagazine?

If you want beer or cigarettes, that's one thing.

A Playboymagazine? You better keep on moving.

Tell your mama I said hey.

I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.

If I was going to get thePlayboy back,

there was only one way to do it.

I've gotta steal it from the vice principal's office.

Dude, wait. That's burglary.I know that.

Want me to commit burglary or be a victim of murder?

Okay, but if we're going outside the law,

we've got to do it right.

[♪♪♪]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

That's it then.Every day she goes to lunch

in the teachers' lounge after fifth period.

She smokes three cigarettes, which takes 20 minutes.

All we have to do is get in, find the magazine

and get out before she gets back.

Except we don't know where the magazine is.

Fischer told me it was

in the bottom left-hand drawer of her desk.

I hope he's right.

Don't worry, Fischer knows everything.

What if we get caught?

Then we're dead.

I was really hoping you weren't gonna say that.

Don't worry. I'll go in and get it.

It's my magazine.

All you have to do is give me a signal

if you see anybody coming.

I hope this works.Me too.

[SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS ON TV]

Drew, guess what I found?

[ANNOYED] What?

[SCREAMS]

What the hell is going on in here?

Tonya has a spider.No, I don't.

Tonya, what are you hiding?

It's just a ring.

Leave Drew alone.

Would you like it if he went around scaring you?

He can't scare me. I like spiders.

And I ain't scared of nothing.Mm-hm.

There was only one thing Tonya was scared of...

and Drew knew it.

[♪♪♪]

Here.

What's this?My $500--

I mean, our$500.

So why you giving it to me now?

'Cause I don't wanna fight anymore.

Baby...

I don't wanna fight anymore either.

But why'd you feel you had to hide money from me?

I wasn't really hiding it. I was just...

keeping it in a safe place

in case something happened.Like what?

Julius, you work hard,

and we barely make ends meet now.

I mean, God forbid something happens to you.

I mean, you could get hit by a postal truck or a gas truck.

Get run over by a car, get high blood pressure,

get the flu, gout,

pneumonia, scoliosis, scurvy.

You could fall off a building,

trip off the escalator, get jumped, get stabbed.

You could get MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.

What's that?I don't know,

but it sounds like it'll kill you.

Look, baby, I just wanted a cushion

to fall back on, that's all.

Is that all?

Yeah.

Come here.

Here.

Take your money, put it away.

I'm sorry.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You go in my shoe again, I'm gonna knock your ass out.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

JULIUS: You got that?!

If I ever catch you scaring your sister

or wearing lipstick, we gonna have a problem.

You hear me?

All right, baby, you can go back to bed now.

I changed your sheets.

You ready?Yeah.

Walkie-talkies?The range is only 100 feet,

so I'll stay close.

[♪♪♪]

Man!

Come on. The hallway's getting empty.

I can't stay here much longer.

I'm hurrying! Just keep an eye out!

I've got it.

Abort, abort! Perimeter not secure!

Oh, no!

Greg?

Forget it.

Well, I guess we know to whom this magazine belongs.

The last place I wanted my father

to find hisPlayboy was at my school.

I confiscated this.

Playboy?Well, what does Chris have to do with that?

MILONE: Somebody brought it to school,

and I believe it was your son.

Chris?

Is this true? I wanted to lie,

but my mother always told me if I did,

she'd slap me into another nationality.

Well, I'm waiting.

Yeah.

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Heh-heh. Hey, it's just Playboy.

I mean, it really doesn't matter. Boys will be boys.

Is that all you have to say? "Boys will be boys"?!

Chris, where did you get a Playboyfrom, anyway?

That look means, "Boy, I know I've never asked you to lie,

but please don't tell your mother that that's myPlayboy."

I found it?

Usually, I would suspend you for this sort of behavior,

but I think this is best handled by the parents.

You best believe we're going to handle it, right, Julius?

Yeah, we gonna handle this.

I'll take that.What you going to do with it?

Here's what he really wanted to do.

[♪♪♪]

[CAR HORN BLARING]

I'll dispose of it.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's... That's a good idea.

Disposing is good.

Come out here, boy.Unh!

One of the ways I always tried to avoid getting beatings

was pretending to be asleep.

Get up, boy. You ain't fooling nobody.

I'm sorry I took your magazine, Dad.

You shouldn't take other people's things, Chris.

That's why I put it away.

But also, you're too young for that stuff.

Yeah, but it's just pictures.

Look how much trouble "just pictures" caused you.

You got chased, your mama's mad,

and you almost got kicked out of school.

That's when I discovered that even if they're made of paper,

the wrong kind of woman can really mess up your life.

Look, I know you're interested in girls,

but there's a lot for you to learn first.

If you never need anything, you can talk to me.

But don't go in my toolbox.

After that, my father started

hiding things in his fish tackle box.

I never told him I found it the next day.

I promise. Things didn't turn out that bad, though.

I made $28 off that Playboy.

My magazine, my money.

Here, you can keep that.

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪