Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Mama, can we get these?

No, we've already got peanut butter and jelly.

Ma, I hate that stuff. It tastes like concrete.

Ring it up, please.

CHRIS ROCK: When I was a kid, my dad would try

to save money any way he could,

so when my mother went shopping, he had one rule:

No name brands.

So instead of Fruit Loops, Cheerios or Frosted Flakes,

we got...

"Cereal"? What is this stuff?

Is it oats? Is it flakes?

Is there a prize inside?

The prize is you don't starve to death.

Ring it up.

And instead of Oreos, Ginger Snaps

or Chips Ahoy, we got...

"Cookie"?

That's right, Cookie.

Not Cookies, Cookie.

A big bag with one cookie in it.

Ooh, Mama, can I have some cookie?

Yeah, but only two bites.

Don't suck out all the chips like you did last time.

When it came to soap,

instead of Zest, Dial or Coast, we got...

Camay?Do you have a problem with that?

Ring it up.

My mother could save money a lot of places,

but not on her ass.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪

Partner science projects are due Friday,

so decide who you want to work with,

sign the sheet as it comes around.

Back off! One at a time.

Quietly.

Hey, Greg. You want to do a project together?

I don't know. I had a couple ideas I was already working on.

CHRIS ROCK: I wanted to work with Greg

because my last science project didn't go so well.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Chris!

[SCREAMING]

Would you get these damn ants out of here!

James Brown stole that whole "ants in my pants" idea

from my father.

[GRUNTING]

Come on, man. Who else will partner with me?

It's not that I don't want to be your partner.

It's just... I take my science very seriously.

Yeah, but, you know, we could still have fun.

We're talking about science, Chris, so you gotta decide.

Do you want to have fun, or you want to win?

Hell, I just wanted to pass.

JULIUS: Rochelle! Rochelle!

I'm in here, baby!

You are never gonna believe what happened.

What?

Hah!

Bah-yah! Ha-ha! That's $200 worth of food stamps.

Where did you get food stamps from?

I found them.

From the time he was a kid

to the time he was an adult,

my father loved to find money.

Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter.

I love you, quarter.

I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard.

[WOMAN GRUNTS]

It's a boy!

I found a dollar!

That's not even my mother.

[BABY CRYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Look at this. Wha...?

What's wrong?

Julius, you know I hate using food stamps.

My mother hated using food stamps

because she was a ghetto snob.

And sometimes using food stamps could be a little embarrassing.

That'll be 79 cent.

Ten, 20, 30, 40, 50...

My mother would have felt better just robbing the place.

Does anybody have change for a 50-cent bill?

Rochelle, money is money.

Cash, food stamps-- What's the difference?

Because I don't want to have to curse nobody out.

What?!Julius...

when I pull out food stamps,

people look at me like I ain't got no husband.

They talk to me like I ain't got no sense.

They treat me like I ain't got no class.

And if somebody treats me like that, I'm gonna curse them out!

Two hundred dollars is $200.

Either you're gonna shop with it, or I am.

And you don't want me to go shopping.

My father figured out that the only food

cheaper than generic food was damaged food.

Fine.

Since we got the extra cash, can you give me $20,

so I could get my hair done?Can you do it yourself?

Sure, baby, you go ahead. You look good.

It's all good. $200, man!

Oh! Thank you, Lord.

At school, I felt like I was trying to do a science project

and Greg was trying to win the Nobel Prize.

I was thinking about doing something on the periodic table.

We can chart each element and show how it affected society.

I was thinking we could make a volcano

with vinegar and baking soda.No, I did that in third grade.

My third-grade science project was watching a banana rot.

Hey, why don't we do a whole thing on plate tectonics?

I thought "Plate Tectonics" was

the original name of the Wu Tang Clan.

We can diagram the continental shift

and show how mountain ranges form

and show how the shape of the Earth has changed.

So I guess making a robot out of soup cans

ain't gonna get it.No.

As much as it hurt my mother to shop with food stamps,

there were two words that made it all worthwhile...

Name brands.

[♪♪♪]

That's my mom, ghetto snob.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

That'll be $95.33.

This store is highway robbery.

Rochelle! Girl!

ROCHELLE & SHEILA: Hey!

I didn't know you shopped here.

I-- I come here all the time.

Uh, Mama, you dropped your-- Ow!

So, um...

what are you doing here?Two for one. Ha-ha!

Okay.You know I like to save money.

Yeah, you know, you gotta...

know what to do with your money.Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah.

$95.33.Hm?

$95.33.

Oh, okay... Girl, I wasn't listening.

You'd think she'd pay with food stamps.

That cash was supposed to last my mom a month.

Girl, you know what, you got to buy the best for your family.

The best.That's what I always say.

There's nothing too expensive for my family.

SHEILA: Mm-mm.Ooh.

Daddy gonna be mad.

[MUTTERS]

That look meant,

"Get with the program."

You look good, you look good.Oh!

You look good too, girl.Y'all get in the car.

Get in the car.

Meanwhile, I turned down Greg's project

on the Theory of Relativity.

Go!

[GLASS BREAKING]

Ooh!MAN: I'm coming up there, boys!

Go. He turned down my project

on how to make ice.

Finally, we decided on something we both liked:

BOTH: The solar system!

CHRIS: This looks great.

Mercury is closest to the sun,

Venus is second, Earth is third.

And we have four moons around Jupiter.

It's perfectly to scale.

Quit lying to yourself.What's that supposed to mean?

If Earth was actually this close to the sun,

we'd all be dead.Greg, it's a science project.

It looks great.We gotta do it over.

Do it over? Do the whole universe over?

Are you crazy? It looks great the way it is.

This isn't great, this sucks.Look at this kid.

His project is a bug in Jell-O. We're fine.

I knew you didn't take science as seriously as I do.

Einstein didn't take science as seriously as you do.

I should've gotten somebody else for a partner.

I can't turn this in. People will think I'm an idiot.

What are you trying to say?I said it once,

and I'm gonna say it again. This sucks.

If you want to do something else...

well, then do something else.

I'm not gonna let you screw the whole thing up.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

There's a reason you didn't have a friend till I came along.

And there's a reason you don't have a friend now.

It was like Andrew Ridgeley leaving Wham!

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

Rochelle, I thought I asked you not to buy these name brands.

Oh, well, honey, I figured the kids...

You know what? Forget it. I forgot you used food stamps.

Uh-huh. We used food stamps.

Mama, you know we--Tonya, why don't you

go get your daddy some syrup.

For his cereal?

For his pancakes.

Baby, you want some pancakes?

I didn't even know we had these.Yeah.

Wow, Ma, this toast is good.

What'd you do different?I bought fresh bread.

We usually got our bread from the day-old bakery,

which was even cheaper when we got it

from the three-day-old shelf.

That look says, "If you couldn't whup me, I'd tell."

You know, I been thinking.

Since I found this money, we got over $100 left

after we pay the light bill and get your hair done.

Maybe we could splurge for once.Splurge?

Yeah, I mean... $100.

I could take the day off.

I could sleep till 9:00.

Hey, we could even go to a movie for once.

That was 1982.

These days, $100 won't even buy you $20.

Um, maybe that's not such a good idea.

Oh, yes it is.

Not every day you find money like that.

I know, but, you know, maybe we should...

Come on. You're getting your hair done.

Why can't I treat myself to something?

I'm just saying, look,

we shouldn't rush into anything, you know?

You know what, baby? You're right.

See? I'm right.You right. I hear you.

I'm gonna take a nap

and figure out how to spend this money.

Some people counted sheep, my father counted cheap.

Don't you have to go to work?

Not right now.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I'm gonna be over by the electric company.

If you give me the money, I can pay the light bill.

No, no, no. I'll do it.

You just lay down and take a nap and rest.

I'll take care of it.It's across the--

Shh!Ha! Get...

Could you get me a pillow?

Sure, sure. Pillow for Julius.

Thank you, baby. Thank you.Go ahead. Get some rest.

I hate to admit it,

but the first real breakup I ever had

wasn't with a girl, it was with Greg.

Give me back Mercury.

Go ahead, you can have it.

But I brought Earth into this,

so it's rightfully mine.

Hey, where's my Earth?It got burned up by the sun.

You know what? I'm gonna get another partner,

then we're gonna finish this and slaughter you.

Well, I'm gonna get one too.

Go ahead. I will!

Bye.

Shoot.

There's two more girls I can scratch off my list.

You know what?

Instead of spending that money on ourselves,

why don't you, me and the kids go to the movies on Friday?

Well, isn't that expensive?

We got it. It could be fun.

We could go see Rocky III at the dollar show.

The kids love Rocky.

Usually, my mother would jump

at going to the movies,

because with three kids, she never had time.

As a matter of fact, here's the last movie she saw.

[♪♪♪]

Movies are on TV every Friday, you know?

There's no gum on the floor,

no rats running through the aisles.

You can go to the bathroom as much as you like.

Ooh, as a matter of fact, Friday night,

The Ghost and Mr. Chickenis on.

Why would I need to go to the movies?

Because you're always complaining

about how I never take you to the movies.

Well, I'm tired, you know?

I just want to stay home.

Okay.

You never really appreciate a friend

until you try to find another one.

Did you see Knight Rider last night?

No. Did you see the Celtics game?

No.I didn't think so.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Si. If I had known

there was a Puerto Rican kid in the school,

I would've hung out with him in the first place.

My mother couldn't admit what she did,

so the only thing left for her to do

was sell her food stamps.

Food stamps. I got food stamps.

What? I can't hear what you're saying.

I said I got food stamps. I got those food stamps.

Oh, whoop-de-damn-do. I got food stamps too.

Excuse me.

Food stamps.

Come on, girl, you know you need them.

I'm short on my light bill, need to sell these food stamps.

Fifty cent on the dollar.Oh, no, no. No, thank you.

Beat it, beat it.Food stamps!

What?Fifty cent on the dollar.

[ALL CLAMORING]

What the hell? What the hell is going...?

All right, all right.

One at a time. One at a time.

Damn it!

My mother finally had to turn

to the one guy she thought could help her, Risky.

Now, Risky specialized in buying and selling things

he wasn't supposed to have.

Come on, Risky.

Man, this is $200 worth of food stamps.

Two hundred dollars worth of food stamps?

I'm trying to sell $2000 worth of food stamps.

Want to buy an iron?You take food stamps?

♪ Yeah, come on, come on Come on ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right That's right... ♪

Get out of my way.No, you get out of my way.

Fight!

Like wars, most fights are started

by people who won't get hit.

All right, then. Hold my books.

Hold mybooks.Hold my sweater.

Hold my vest.

Hold my watch.

Hold my Star Trekbracelet.

Hold my shoes.

♪ The game is over Come on... ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BOTH LAUGHING][CROWD GROANS DISAPPOINTEDLY]

"Hold my shoes"? Where'd you get that?

It was either that or punch you in the face.

Seriously? CHRIS: No.

What are we gonna do about the science project?

I got an idea.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

BOTH: What?He said, "What about us?"

[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]

Come on.

[♪♪♪]

My mother decided to hit the one place

where selling food stamps would be easy.

Food stamps, 50 cent on the dollar.

Food stamps, 50 cent on the dollar.

Come on, Paco.I'll take a nickel bag.

Risky?

Rochelle? What you doing? You selling weed?

No, I'm not selling weed. I'm selling food stamps.

Oh, well, who's selling weed?

Get your jelly bean head out of here.

Did I just hear you say you were selling food stamps?

I most certainly am not selling food stamps.

Who said I was selling food stamps?

Rochelle! Ha-ha!Hey, hey!

Hey, I didn't know you knew Pam.Hi, Pam.

Hey.We just met.

Yeah.Girl, your hair looks good.

Thank you. Pam is my hairdresser.

I just came from her shop.Coincidence.

So, what about those food stamps?

I'm not selling food stamps.You selling food stamps?

No, no, no, no.

It looked like she was selling food stamps.

Where's your shop?Right up the block.

Okay, okay.You could use a touch-up.

I sure can.

Uh, um, when's your next appointment?

Oh, she can take you now.Really?

I just came to get lunch.

My next appointment isn't for another hour.

See? There you go.

I'll see y'all later.All right, girl.

You see that lady selling food stamps, let me know.

Ha, will do.

Take care. Looking good, girl.

Where's your shop?Right up the street.

I'll hook you up right now.All right.

I still wish Earth was further from the sun.

You think we can win it?Are you kidding?

If we can't beat a bug in Jell-O,

I'll go to school in your neighborhood.

You're right. This looks great.

Hey, Frank. I finished our science project.

Hey, you can't do that!What are you gonna do about it?

All the science in the world is no match for a guy

who could smack the taste out of your mouth.

Caruso couldn't spell "solar system,"

but since he could kick both our asses,

that meant the universe was his.

Yeah!

At least we beat the Jell-O bug.

Wow, Mom, your hair looks great.

Thank you, baby.

Hey, Dad, can we get Frosted Flakes

next time we go to the store?I don't know.

Did you spend all the food stamps?

Hey, Mom, now that we have fresh bread,

can we have French toast?

I've never had it when the bread wasn't smashed.

Rochelle, I know you don't wanna go to the movies,

but can you think about it?

We're going to the movies? Rocky III.

Oh!If your mother wants to go.

Even though my mother cared about what people thought,

she cared a little more about what we thought.

I have a confession to make.

JULIUS: What's wrong?

We don't have the money to go to the movies.

What are you talking about?

After your hair and the light bill,

we should have at least $30 left over.

I used it to buy groceries.What?

I told you, I don't like shopping with food stamps.

Sheila was in the store when I was there

and I just got a little embarrassed.

I didn't want her to think we couldn't afford food.

You know what? Forget about it.

It's no big deal. Money is money.

We can still buy groceries with food stamps.

You bought those name brands,

so we gonna have to make it stretch, so get generic.

We ain't got the food stamps.

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

What?I gave it to my hairdresser

to fix my perm.

That was $200 worth of food stamps.

Baby, she only gave me 25 cents on the dollar.

What do you want me to do?

You couldn't talk her up to 27 cent?

You know what? Hey...

At least you paid the light bill.

[UTENSILS CLATTERING]

ROCHELLE: Chris!

♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪

CHRIS: I didn't do anything.

ROCHELLE: I know. I know.

Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪