Original subtitles

Hey, honey. You know where the steamer is?

I wanna get some wrinkles out of my funeral suit for the deposition.

I know you are super nervous about the deposition,

so I'm not gonna bug you about what you're gonna wear.

Thanks.

The only thing I'm really nervous about

is what happens when their lawyer starts to bad-mouth Roseanne.

I got a long history of punching people in the mouth for that.

Look, your attorney and I are gonna be right there the whole time.

If you start to get upset, you just look at me,

realize how lucky you are, and you'll be okay.

Wear something with cleavage. You might save a life.

[Louise chuckles]

Uh, hey, if you old-timers are done smelling each other for tooth decay,

uh, Jackie, Becky and I made a little something we want to show Dad.

So, okay, it's going to be crucial

that you remember everything that happened to Mom in the right order,

so to help you prepare,

we made you a little time line of Mom's addiction.

Why does it start with me and your mom eating ice cream?

So this is to show how much you guys were in love

and to remind you that you need to talk about your devastating loss.

And then down here is after Roseanne has passed.

You're eating ice cream alone and being all sad.

So the innocent joy of dairy is a grim reminder

that your life is a hopeless pit of despair.

Now, it starts with Roseanne's knee injury.

Here she is doing a classic banana peel slip and fall,

and this is all of us laughing too hard to recognize that she's in pain.

Right, and then that leads to the building that says “Evil Opioid Factory”?

Yeah. And it was my idea to have the devil poking people that are working there.

See?

This is like the worst Schoolhouse Rock! episode ever.

The gist of it is that you're trying to say that the pills

took away a love that only comes along once in a lifetime.

No offense, Louise.

[sighs] None taken.

Every girl dreams of a man saying,

“You're the woman I always wanted after the other one died.”

And, Dan, Dan, if this is too much to remember,

if it's any trouble at all, I have come up with a very simple mnemonic

for the sequence of events.

“Every Good Boy Likes Kumquats When Aardvarks Rule Underground Empires.”

Well, clearly I did all that work for nothing.

- Hey. - Hey, Grandpa.

Thanks again for letting me stay here.

Mom doesn't want a criminal living under her roof.

Yeah, I-I'm used to it.

The Conners usually just run away from one part of the family to the other.

Before we had two houses,

people just kinda piled up in the basement.

So, uh, you're just out here hacking out in the open, huh?

Well, yeah, I usually do it in my underground lair, but it's crazy.

They're installing the laser cannon I'm gonna use to destroy the world, so...

Teenage smart-ass.

What are you hacking?

A weight loss company database.

I'm selling their customer list to a website

that offers a variety of different cheesecakes.

Wow.

Usually Conners are replaced by computers.

It's kinda nice to see one of us outsmarting them.

Even if it is the act of a depraved criminal mind.

You know, I-I can...

I can use it for good too.

- Is there anything you need fixed? - No, no. That would be wrong.

All right, now that I tried to stop you,

I do have an unjustified late fee on my electric bill.

What happened? Did the bill get lost in the mail?

No, no. It was sitting on the kitchen counter.

But I kept the lights off to save electricity, ergo I never saw it.

- Well, fun time is over. See you later. - [Jackie] Mmm.

I see there's still a little tension between you and Mark.

He knows I'm not gonna stand by and let him keep doing what he's doing,

especially once I get on the force.

Jackie, a lot of things have ruined Conners over the years,

but we've never turned in one of our own.

Dan, don't do this to me.

One of us finally has a superpower,

and his aunt Jackie is gonna put him in jail.

That's gonna look really bad in the family Bible.

Though not as bad as the great uncle who hid John Wilkes Booth. But close.

Hey, look at this.

Uber Eats accidentally delivered the neighbors' food to our house,

and turns out it's all vegan,

so I'm taking a bite of everything before they come and take it back.

That wasn't an accident.

I ordered that for you.

Oh, my God. I've already swallowed some of it.

All these years and you're gonna win.

No, silly.

I just got my first big girl paycheck,

and I wanted to do something nice for myself,

so I ordered you food to make you feel small.

Oh, by the way, I Venmo-ed you my share of the water bill.

Really? How do I find it?

Really thrown by money coming into my account.

Jeez. You Venmo-ed Tyler, like, five times today.

[chuckles] The last one is for “Egg McMuffin. Sandwich only, not meal.”

Yeah, he paid for McDonald's, and I paid him back my share.

We've always done it that way because I like to pitch in.

Isn't that what the sex is for?

We split that fifty-fifty too.

- Hey, Darlene. - Hey.

Honey, I feel terrible.

I ate your yogurt this morning, but my phone battery died,

so I couldn't Venmo you.

Wow. I would be less uncomfortable

walking in on you guys having your mysterious 50-50 sex.

What are you talking about?

Well, you guys are living together,

but you're acting like coworkers who are splitting a business lunch.

[imitating worker 1] Oh, I had the Coke.

[imitating worker 2] But I had the fries. Oh, but I had one.

[babbles]

Well, since we are living together,

I think it's kinda right that we commingle our money.

Once it's in one account, who controls it?

We both do.

Yeah, and you'll get better credit. Or, in Becky's case, credit.

I mean, we can start making real plans as a couple.

Let's do it.

Ha! Do you have your paycheck?

- Yeah. - Sign it over to me.

I will start a new interest-bearing checking account in both of our names.

"Conner." Here. Yeah.

I usually go to the check exchange next to Barney's Bail Bonds,

but trusting a bank... [sucks teeth] ...okay.

Wow. Look how much I've grown.

I'm sure I'm gonna regret asking this, but 50-50 sex?

Are we talking effort, or turns at doing things,

or perhaps costs that I'm not familiar with?

Ben might owe me something. I-I just want to get what I'm owed.

Hey. Got your text, so I came right over.

Let me guess. You're coming home because you're tired of seeing

Grandpa walk around in just his underwear scratching like an orangutan?

No, that's not what this is about.

But I was talking with the orangutan a couple of days ago

about Mark's computer skills,

which are like a superpower, and that got me to thinking.

So I contacted a cybersecurity firm that works with Lanford PD,

and they FaceTimed Mark, and he got into their training program

and he is guaranteed a high-paying job at the end of six weeks.

- [Darlene] What? - [Jackie] Mm-hmm.

- Thank you so much, Jackie. - [chuckles]

[sighs] You have no idea what a relief that is.

Now you can work there and make money to go to college.

[sighs] That's kind of what I need to talk to you about.

I'm not going to college.

E-Excuse me?

Um, I said I would stay until it got uncomfortable,

and we have arrived.

[stammers] You-You have to go to college, Mark.

That is not up for discussion.

Of course it is. It's my life.

Why would I go to college?

This training program,

i-it's gonna lead straight to the job I'd be looking for when I graduate.

But college isn't just that.

It's the time in your life where you experiment,

you figure out who you are.

Trust me, the shame you feel when you shotgun a Hard Lemonade

in your 40s is intense and immediate.

I-I already had a taste of college fun at S.A.D. U. I'm over it.

Okay, Mark, this is just all happening really fast.

Let's take a moment here.

No, I have to be in New York on Monday to start training.

[scoffs] Wait, what? New York?

Yeah, that's where the job is.

One of the reasons why they hired me is because I don't have any kids

and I could start right away.

[scoffs, sighs]

Well, I... You know, I wish you did have kids,

because then you would know what it feels like

when one of 'em skips college, moves away forever and breaks your heart.

But if I give up this chance, I'll regret it even more.

It obviously does not matter what I say,

or you would have talked to me before you made the decision.

Just go.

- [sighs] - Yeah.

Being disowned by your mom. It's not as bad as it used to be.

People are all into this whole "chosen family" thing now,

so there's a lot of desperate, damaged people in New York.

You'll find a new mom in no time.

Hey. Dan said this is where you get your workout on.

[clears throat] Hey!

Let me try these rubber bands.

See if I can get a pump on these guns with you.

I got my stamina up,

but I still got to work on my strength training

for the police physical next week.

I heard we gotta drag 200 pounds of dead weight for a block,

'cause nobody in this country can push away from a buffet.

You set the pace, I'll keep up. Let's get physical.

[sighs]

- [exhales sharply] - Yeah, you look a little pale.

Yeah, color is just weakness leaving the body.

Well, give me a heads-up before your soul starts leaving the body.

[exhales sharply] Come on, woman.

What are you? Part Samoan?

How do you work out so hard?

I'm kinda going through something. This helps me get out of my head.

You know, you got Lanford's number one leading life coach sitting right here.

Spill the tea, sister.

[sighs] All right.

[sighs] Now, don't take this the wrong way, but, uh,

hearing the constant talk about the irreplaceable love

between Dan and Roseanne,

- it's starting to get to me. - Uh-huh.

And you're worried if you start complaining about it

you'll come across as an insensitive, selfish shrew.

An incredibly fit, ridiculously strong shrew.

Yeah, and-and, you know, I know that Dan is having a really rough time.

And I want to be respectful.

But I have worked really hard to keep Roseanne from being

- the third person in our marriage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's tough.

- They were together for, like, 40 years. - [sighs]

I'm lucky that your brother was such a sad, lonely guy,

he never found true love before he met me.

Come to think of it, you've never been in a lasting relationship either.

It probably comes from your parents not loving either one of you.

Hey, I've had some serious relationships.

Uh! Getting your biscuit buttered in a Waffle House parking lot

after a gig is not a serious relationship.

[groans] Jesus. I'm never telling you anything again.

That's fine, 'cause the person you've got to talk to is Dan,

otherwise you're gonna build up a lot of resentment,

and you know what happens when you build up a lot of resentment.

Uh-huh. Yeah. You ask someone to leave.

Oh, what? So you can keep exercising? Come on!

Then you're just gonna look even better than you already do?

Nobody needs that.

The family's taking Mark out tonight for a celebratory goodbye dinner.

You should come.

Hmm. I've already made my lentil soy fish sticks,

and there's nothing to celebrate.

I think your dinner proves that.

Oh, good! I have something to show you.

Me first. Now, I figure since we've put our money together,

I think I've found our first dream purchase.

I found a house.

And it's on a little hill, so we can see your family coming

and pretend we're not home.

[chuckles] Ooh. I love that.

Are you sure we can afford that after I buy my new truck?

Look at her towing that boat.

She's a thick girl and she's sassy.

Oh, we haven't talked about getting a truck,

let alone something as pricey as that.

Well, my old truck's dying.

Now that I'm making decent money, I wanna buy myself something nice.

Yeah, but wouldn't you be just as happy with something used?

Tyler, my entire life, I've had nothing but used.

Even my Big Wheel had a thousand miles on it.

Yeah, but I'm talking about us.

I mean, we need a house. We-We live here, you know?

Darlene is moping around because Ben is AWOL.

We have no privacy and the fridge is full of stuff pretending to be food.

But, like you said, we both have to agree.

- Right. - So we need someone to break the tie.

I'm gonna go look for a sister-wife who's tired of pushing her boat to the lake.

Hey! Everybody ready to go to dinner?

Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, we're taking my old truck.

We might not make it.

You're riding in the bed like a dog.

You just ate. Oh, you're really not going, are you?

No, I'm not talking to Mark.

He didn't listen to my words,

so now I hope he will listen to my silence.

Don't do that.

You don't want to do what I did to Becky.

What? Imply that Mom must have cheated with someone

because Becky turned out smart?

No, I'm talking about when Becky quit school to move to Minnesota.

She wanted to talk to me,

but I was so upset, I just hid in the garage.

Yeah, and I remember thinking that was pretty extreme,

but I'm a parent now

and I've realized you were just trying to stop her from making a huge mistake.

Parenting 101 is: You cannot stop kids from making mistakes.

[sighs] And the worst thing you can do is shut down

and make them feel alone and unsupported,

because then they may never talk to you again.

And if you change your mind about joining us,

Becky's paying.

This morning I went to the dealership

and I sat in the truck, and I looked around,

and I thought, "This is just a thing."

But it's the best thing ever, and I want it real, real bad.

More than me?

No! No!

I want you more than the truck.

I don't think it'll help us if I tell you how much more.

Look, it's your money. You should get the truck.

Oh, that means a lot to me.

It's sitting in the driveway.

Can I just ask you one thing?

I mean, is this all because... [stammers]

...you know, you're not sure enough about us to commit to a house?

No. You're my future.

But you didn't grow up like me.

Unless you've struggled without nice things,

I don't think you can get it.

I want to get it.

You know, when I drove that truck off the lot,

I almost had a panic attack.

But now I'm ready to believe that I deserve good things in my life.

Yeah. I get that.

You're my truck.

Exactly. Now, let's go back to the dealership.

I'm on a test-drive and I need you to cosign.

[chuckles] Oh.

Nice of you to show up.

I'm waiting for my ride.

You have every right to be mad at me. I shouldn't have missed your dinner.

But...

this wasn't supposed to happen.

You weren't supposed to go halfway across the country.

You were supposed to be an hour away at the University of Chicago.

What if I'd gone to a different college that was across the country too?

That would have been the same thing.

No.

Because at least you would have been in college,

and I wouldn't have felt like I failed you.

You didn't fail me, Mom.

Yes, I did.

You grew up poor, and without a dad. And it scared the hell out of me.

But I told myself that it would all be okay,

'cause I was gonna save up a bunch of money

so that you could start a great life.

And if I did that,

then everything you never had wouldn't matter.

And that money would have been for college.

Yeah.

And then a little bit of it for you to make a documentary called My Mom, My Hero

and then thank me at the Oscars.

Mom... [stammers] ...you said you wanted to give me a great start.

I-It just looks different than what you imagined.

[phone dings]

My Uber is almost here.

I'm not ready.

But I am. I'm prepared to take care of myself out there because of you.

When I wanted to wear dresses at school, you supported me.

W-When I needed a new laptop, you took a crappy job

just so I could have one.

You never stopped believing that I could have a great future.

And because you believed it, I believe it.

Yeah, but I believed in a version

where you were here for family dinner every Sunday night.

- [car approaches] - [horn honks]

[engine rumbling]

- [sighs] Gotta go. - [sniffles]

[stammers] Okay. [sniffles]

Hey, so, um, call me when you get to New York,

and, uh, just call me when you actually get to the apartment.

And, if, like...

if it's possible, right before bed that you could call me?

And then I know you're starting your job,

- so it would be amazing if... - No.

- ...when you got there... - No. No.

Mom, you're not gonna talk to me every night.

I-I'll try to call you once a week, but I'm on my own now.

I love you.

Okay.

[car door opens, closes]

- [sobs, sniffles] - [engine starts]

- [phone rings] - [sniffles]

Hello? [sniffles]

Yes, you can use my credit card for the Uber.

No, that does not count as your weekly call.

- Dan? Are you coming to bed? - Hmm?

Maybe later.

With the deposition tomorrow, I'm not gonna be able to sleep much.

I'll probably stay on the couch tonight so I don't keep you up.

Is that a cheesecake?

Yeah.

I miss Mark.

Such a good kid. He's gonna take New York by storm.

Uh. [sighs] Can I... Can I talk to you about something?

Anything that'll take my mind off Roseanne and this deposition.

Oh.

- It'll wait. - All right.

Good night.

Uh, you know, you don't need this cheesecake.

But I worked out with Jackie today, so I do.

The mnemonic is good, but we need to simplify.

So, um, I broke down the sequence of events.

We've got ice cream, fall, opioids, death.

Now, that comes out to: I-C-F-O-D. ICFOD.

IC... ICFO... ICLOD...

Sounds like "ICLOUD" if you substitute the F for the L.

So when you go in... Okay, here it is.

ICLOUD. Remember to substitute the F for the L and you've got it.

You're set. Do you need this? You don't need this.

You got it. Anytime.

[baby giggles]