All language subtitles for The.Other.Guys.2010.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-YTS.MX

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

NARRATOR: In New York City,
there's a fine line

between law and chaos.

On that line
live Danson
and Highsmith.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Tell me again
why I decided
to get on this roof!

I think you can chalk
that up to bad life choices.

(LAUGHS)

(WE'RE TRYING
TO STAY ALIVE PLAYING)

♪ You can tell by
the way I roll, Shorty

♪ That I'm a ladies' man
A business man

♪ Condos down the shore
Multi-million pension plans

♪ But it ain't in my plan
to make move without the fam

♪ I keep it intact
Yo, Clef, do the track

♪ John, play the mack
while I pay the tax

♪ Business as usual

Get rid of
that asshole.

Uh-oh!
I hate it when
you say "uh-oh!"

♪ We built this concept
Connect like NYNEX

♪ Drinks at the bar
My American Express ♪

(GRUNTS)

Dude, you put
a ding in my hood!

Come on with
it, then!

(GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Oh! Whoa, hey!

That's trouble.

(BUS HONKING)

(GASPS)

(TOURISTS SCREAMING)

Did someone call
Nine-One-holy-shit?

(BUS HONKING)

That's it. I'm sick
of all this running.

(YELLING)

Hang on!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(IN SLOW MOTION)
You have the right
to remain silent!

But I wanna
hear you scream!

(TOP DOWN PLAYING)

Down on the ground!

REPORTER: Detective!
Yeah, yeah! Detective!

One at a time,
all right?

Yeah, Detectives,
Rick Grayson,
New York Observer Online.

These suspects were caught
with only a quarter pound
of marijuana,

a misdemeanor
in some states.

Do you think this arrest
was worth $12 million
in property damages?

Why don't we let
New York City
answer that question?

The greatest city
on Earth, yeah!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hi, Sarah Gapone
from TMZ print edition.

Danson, are the rumors about
you and Kim Kardashian true?

No comment.

But, yes.

(CROWD WHOOPING)

Danson and Highsmith,
free hot dogs for life!

(CROWD CHEERING)

No drinks. No drinks.
CROWD: Oh!

I can't do it.
I can't do it.

NARRATOR:
Danson and Highsmith shoot,
drive, and sex with style.

They're rock stars.

Then you got your jokers,
your ball busters,
your vets...

...and the other guys.

(INAUDIBLE)

We know, we know.
We know.

All right,
all right, all right.
Listen up, listen up!

We're having a celebration
tonight at Butter.

Brody Jenner's gonna
be there. Bai Ling.

That little short bitch
from Jersey Shore.
Yeah!

And most of you
are on the list.

(OFFICERS CHEERING)
You're the best.

DANSON: Guys, I'm gonna
say something right now.

It's about a man who came
from Austria with a dream.

Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Let me finish.

He became a champion
and then a movie star,
all right?

Arnold Schwarzenegger!
God damn it, let me...

They ruined the story.
They ruined the story.

Let... What...
The point is,

we couldn't do our job
if it weren't for you guys
doing all the paperwork,

answering the phones,
and all that stupid shit
that we don't like to do.

All the gun fights,
all the car chases,

all the sex we don't
wanna have with women,
but we have to,

all due to what
you guys do.

Thank you.

And we'd do it
again and again.

Hey, you shut your face!

If we wanna
hear you talk,

I will shove my arm
up your ass

and work your mouth
like a puppet!

You hear me?
You hear me?

Cash bar.
OFFICERS: Yeah.

Peace out, bitches.

(OFFICERS CHEERING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, fellas.
All right, bring it in.

Come on. Bring it
in a little bit.

All right, right there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just back up,
just like right there.

All right, just one...
Just a...

There you go,
right there.
Right there.

This is their paperwork.
You know they're
not gonna do it.

That's right.
This paperwork is like
Bob's wife here.

It's thick, ugly,

got Danson's
fingerprints
all over it.

No offense, Bob.
That's all right.

Anyway, now
who wants it?
I do!

All right! Paper Bitch
and Yankee Clipper
on the case!

Nice work.
Thanks, Allen.
Thank you, Captain.

"I'll do it!
I'll do it!"

(HUMMING SWAT THEME SONG)

Stop humming that song!

I can hum if I want to.

No, I know you can.

I'm asking you to stop.

Well, if you're asking,
then I'll stop.
Thank you.

Could you not
smile like that?

Now you're asking me
to mask my emotions

because of how
it makes you feel.

That I will not do.

(HUMMING JEANNIE)

Seriously, stop
humming! Okay?

This isn't accounting
or wherever the hell

you and your
little pocket calculator
were transferred from.

Forensic accounting, okay.

And it's an important
part of the job.

Yeah, whatever. Stop being
so overtly happy about
doing shit work, you moron.

Hey, guys.
Reminder.

The police union picnic's
coming up this weekend.

Uh... My wife's
making her famous
deviled eggs, again.

My waistline's furious.

It's a bad time, Bob!

All right.

Going to get a slice.

(DOOR SLAMS)

You know what
I just did?

I just walked out that door,
saw a couple detectives,

and I was about to start
bad mouthing you
behind your back,

but I stopped myself,
because my pops taught me

that a man who talks
behind somebody's back
is a coward.

Wow, I actually
appreciate that.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell
you directly to your face.

No. You don't have to.

No, I don't like you.

I think you're
a fake cop.

The sound of your piss
hitting the urinal?

It sounds feminine.
Mmm-mmm.

If we were in the wild,
I would attack you.

Even if you weren't
in my food chain,

I would go out of
my way to attack you.

If I were a lion,
and you were a tuna,

I would swim out
in the middle of the ocean
and freaking eat you!

And then I'd bang
your tuna girlfriend.

Okay, first off,
a lion swimming
in the ocean?

Lions don't like water.

If you'd placed it
near a river

or some sort of
fresh water source,

that'd make sense.

But you find yourself
in the ocean, 20-foot waves,

I'm assuming
it's off the coast
of South Africa,

coming up against
a full-grown, 800-pound tuna

with his 20
or 30 friends?

You lose that battle.

You lose that battle
nine times out of ten.
And guess what?

You've wandered into
our school of tuna,

and we now have
a taste of lion.

We've talked to ourselves.
We've communicated.

Yeah?
And said,
"You know what?

"Lion tastes good.
Let's go get some more lion."

We've developed a system
to establish a beachhead

and aggressively hunt
you and your family.

And we will
corner your pride,

your children,
your offspring.
How you gonna do that?

We will construct
a series of breathing
apparatus with kelp.

We will be able to trap
certain amounts of oxygen.

It's not gonna be
days at a time,

but an hour,
hour 45,
no problem.

That will give us enough time
to figure out where you live,

go back to the sea,
get more oxygen,

and then stalk you.

You just lost
at your own game.

You're outgunned
and outmanned.

Did that go
the way you thought
it was gonna go?

Nope.

(YELLING)

Two minutes before
the markets open,

Pamela Boardman,
CEO of Lendl Global,
ringing the opening bell.

With Boardman
is investment banker,
David Ershon,

who manages 40% of
Lendl's $70-billion
equity pool.

(SOFTLY) How much
did we lose?

You may ring the bell
now, Ms. Boardman.

(SOFTLY) $32.
Million?

(NERVOUSLY)
No, billion.

(MANIACALLY) Shit!

Chinatown. Three Triad
gang members. I popped
two of them off the draw.

Bang, bang.
OFFICER: Yeah.

Then I raise up to
take the leader out.

Oh, shit, I feel
like I'm there now.

I hear a whistle.
My partner's on the roof.

He says, "Let's
even the odds!"

He tosses me down
a Mossberg pump.

I send one
through his chest.

Game over, bitches.

(OFFICERS CHEERING)

All right.
OFFICER: Yeah.

Jimmy? Let's talk about how
that story made you feel.

Like a Viagra pill
with a face.

(OFFICERS LAUGHING)

I know it's very tempting.

You want to impress
your friends.

But this is serious stuff
we're dealing with, okay?

This is firing your weapon
in the line of duty.

Officer Hoitz?

Oh, man.
(OFFICERS GROANING)

Would you like to share?

No, I'd rather not.

Officer Hoitz,
you've been coming here
for six months now,

and you haven't
said a word.

This is a safe environment,
no judgment here.

Douche bag.

That's judgment,
Jimmy. Come on.

I relive it every night.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

TERRY: Bronx, October.

Game 7 of the World Series.

For all the marbles.
High pressure, unruly crowd,
and I pulled tunnel duty.

I mean, I saw a shadowy
figure in the tunnel.

I told him to stop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
this is a restricted area!

Finally pulled my gun.

Pulled a deadly weapon.
He started running at me.

Don't make me shoot!
I'll do it!

Are you deaf?
You hear me yell,
"Freeze"?

You dick! I'm Derek Jeter!

You shot me!

You cost me 20 grand
on that game!
Douche bag.

Cost the city
a championship.

I was being groomed
for a top position
in homicide.

Now I'm stuck with
a desk jockey partner.

Everybody calls me
the Yankee Clipper.

Because you shot
Derek Jeter!

He's a biracial angel.

OFFICER:
You should've
shot A-Rod.

Yo, Paper Bitch.

What's up, man?
Hey. Hey, guys.

(MOCKING) Paper Bitch.
(MOCKING) Paper Bitch.

I don't like that, actually.

I know you guys
think it's fun,
but I don't like that name.

Still working on
the Danson and
Highsmith paperwork?

(SIGHS) Shit.
No, actually,
actually, that's...

What is this?
That looks stupid.

Guys, it's illegal
permitting for construction.
Specifically, scaffolding.

Some of the guys
were talking.

They were like,
"How come you've never

"fired your weapon
in the office before?"

Good point.

I'm sorry,
I don't follow.

You've never
fired your weapon
in the office.

We all have, you know.
It's called a desk pop.

Fellas, look, I know
you don't respect me
as a police officer.

Not true.
I'm not stupid.

I'm not gonna discharge
my firearm in the office.

Gamble, listen to me.
I'll try to make it
real clear.

We honor the flag,
and you crap on it

when you don't shoot
your gun in the office.

Jimmy. When's the last time
you had a desk pop?

September '08.

Be a man. Do it.
(WHISPERING) Now.

Please, please, do it.
Pop one off!

There you go.
Pop it off!
Don't think, just go!

Here we go.
Do it, yes.

(OFFICERS EXCLAIMING)

He did it!
(LAUGHING)

Hey! Shots fired!

Hey, Terry, I did it!
I did my first desk pop!

(BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

It's a real thing, right?

A desk pop?
Yeah.

No, that's not real!

They were so convincing
in their argument,

they swung me.

All right, Allen,
you're gonna have to
hand over your gun.

Yes, sir.

TERRY: Captain, you really
wanna disarm this guy,

take out the batteries
in the calculator.

All right, I'm gonna
give you this.

This is a dummy gun.
I use it for ceremony.

There.

You get this back
when I feel you know
how to handle it.

Listen, guys.
I'm working two jobs.
I'm working here.

And I got another job
at Bed Bath and Beyond.
Okay?

I'm doing that just to
put a kid through NYU

so he can explore
his bisexuality
and become a deejay.

Now the last thing I need
is a ballistics report
in the unit.

I'm just gonna ask you guys,
please, come on, really.

Just think about...
Just be smart.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(CAR ALARMS BEEPING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

FEMALE DISPATCHER:
211 in progress.

They're using a wrecking ball
to clean out Castien Jewelry.

All right, we got it.

ALLEN: Good luck, guys.
Have a good one.

Allen, let's go.

No, I got work to do.

What? This is work!

Hey, yo!
Danson and Highsmith.
We roll in heavy.

You cream puffs,
sit tight.

You gotta be shitting me!

You can't keep me
cooped up in here, okay?

I am a peacock!
You gotta let me fly!

(GRUNTS ANGRILY)

Did he just...
Did he just call
himself a peacock?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Let's go!
Let's go!

DANSON: Come on, fellas!

Wednesday night
is taco night
at Rikers Island!

Oh! That's the second
one this week!

Hey, you monkeys!
Stop!

Let's go!

Yeah!

Heads up!

Shit.

Special Forces zipline.

BURGLAR: Cut that line!
Cut it! Let's go!

These guys are pros.

Let's go!

You thinking what
I'm thinking, partner?

Aim for the bushes.

(MY HERO PLAYING)

♪ There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes

♪ There goes my... ♪

(THUDDING)

(BAND PLAYING)

NARRATOR: Cops still
argue to this day

why Danson and
Highsmith jumped.

Maybe it was just pride,
having survived so many
brushes with death.

Maybe their egos
pushed them off.

I don't know.
But that shit was crazy.

Either way, there was
a hole in New York City,
and it needed to be filled.

MAYOR: Two days ago,
this city wept.

We lost two heroes
who gave everything for us,

who paid that
ultimate sacrifice

so that we may walk
these streets safely.

There wasn't even an awning
in their direction.

No, I know.
They just jumped
20 storeys.

Doesn't make sense,
does it?

I only hope God lets them
take their .357s with them
to heaven.

It's our moment, Allen.
Our moment to step up
and be the guys.

We're at a funeral.
Show some respect.
What?

TERRY: You don't think
every other detective here
isn't thinking the same thing?

TERRY: Allen, listen to me.
Danson and Highsmith are gone.

Their desks are empty.
Someone has to
fill those seats.

That someone is us, okay?
The city's dying for a hero.

Is it?
Yeah.

What about nine million
socially-conscious
and unified citizens,

all just stepping up
and doing their part?

As a little kid,
didn't you dress up and
play cops and robbers?

I'll tell you what
I did as a little kid.

I went to school
and made my bed.

And at age 11,
I audited my parents.

And believe me, there were
some discrepancies,
and I was grounded.

What the hell are you?

Well, well, well.
What do we got here?

Look at these two
jamokes, would you?

One shot Jeter
and the other
shot an office.

(CACKLING)

Have some decorum.
We're at a funeral. Shh.

You wanna dance,
brolio? Huh?

I will rock your body
with big, nasty hooks.

You'll be pissing blood
out of your ass.

(WHISPERING)
That's horrible.

Why don't you
step back, man?

You touch him,
I swear to God

I'm gonna beat
the shit out of you
with Allen's head.

He's not gonna do that.
That's hyperbole.

But that's a weird example.

You wanna go?
I wanna go!

OFFICER 1: Get him off.
(SOFTLY) Kick his ass,
Martin.

MARTIN: (WHISPERING) Yeah.
How do you like that?

(WHISPERING)
Pull his hair!
(WHISPERING) I love it.

MARTIN: This hurts so good.

Shh.

Very sorry for
your loss, ma'am.
What a lovely hat.

FOSSE: I love your shoes.

(WHISPERING)
It's fine, it's fine.
(WHISPERING) Go, go.

JIMMY: (WHISPERING)
Punish him!

Oh, man.

FOSSE: Do it. That's how
we do it in the hood.

JIMMY: Punish him.
MARTIN: That's not
even a move.

MARTIN: I'm the winner.
I'm the winner,
everybody saw it.

(WHISPERING) What the hell
is going on here?

Two good men are dead,

and you guys are fighting
over who's gonna
be the next hotshot?

Is that
what's happening?

(WHISPERING) Yes,
that's exactly
what's happening.

Let me tell you something
about those guys.

They knew that
to become a good cop,

you had to solve
cases. Okay?

Okay, and maybe you start
with the Castien robbery.

Okay? So just watch it.

FOSSE: Next time, me,
you, library.

Not even close.
Come on, guys.
Guys, come on.

JIMMY: You are...
MARTIN: I'm the winner!

I didn't need you
to stick up for me, okay?

I could've handled
that myself.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.

It's the partner's code.
I had no choice.

Move.

9:15, let's have
a great day, everybody!

Cut the shit!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Good morning.

FEMALE DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
We've got shots fired.
509 East 10th Street.

There are large amounts
of cocaine on the scene.

Try to stay out
of trouble, boys.

There's no chance
you'd wanna go on
that call, right?

No chance.
Too busy.

All right, ladies.
Starting to get the picture?

We're about to
lock shit down.

That's right.
You girls stay here
and get your type on.

Go get them, guys.
Lot of energy, lot of focus.

FOSSE: Shut up!

Allen, could I see you
in the hallway for a second?

I... I'm super busy
right now, Terry.

No, no, no, I know.
This'll be real quick.

It's about
the construction permits
you were talking about.

The scaffolding violations?
This is our thing, yeah.

So, what do you got?

I got this! I'll put one
right in your neck.

What are you doing?

Let's go.
We're going
to that call.

What is this?
Shut up.

We're going to the car,
and we're going
after this case.

You're not gonna
shoot me.
I won't?

No.
I shot Jeter.

That was an accident.
Was it?

Now move.
Okay.

Hey.

Does anybody see this?

He's got a gun on me.

I'm being kidnapped.

Really, we're in
a police station

and no one is
interested in this?

So, then what happened?
What do you think happened?

(SIREN WAILING)
I woke up, I took
the belt off my neck,

and I got in my car,
and I got out of there.

Talk about a wild
weekend, right?

I thought I was gonna
have to shoot my way out.
(LAUGHS)

What are you gonna do,
though, you know?
Bar mitzvahs.

What the hell is this?

It's my car.
It's a Prius.

I feel like we're literally
driving around in a vagina.

Detective Hoitz and Gamble
are on that 518 on East 10th.

Negatory, Martin and Fosse,
two minutes out.

We'll just see
who's there first.

You stay out of
our crime scene!
You hear me?

Go, go, go!

You feel that, Allen? Huh?
That tingling in your balls?

Big metal butterflies
fluttering around
in your stomach?

Are you sure you don't
have testicular cancer?

I got something
to get you going.

(LET THE DRAGON LOOSE
PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Let's go do some damage!

Nope.

(REMINISCING PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

What the hell is that?

LRB. Little River Band.

This music makes me
feel like I'm going
shopping for a training bra.

(MUSIC STOPS)
You know what?
We go with no music, okay?

Fine.
Say bye.

No, no, no,
don't say bye...

You just signed
your own death warrant,
Hoitz!

Allen, punch that
accelerator or I will
shoot you in the foot!

America!
(THUDS)

Allen! Allen,
hit the brake!

(ALLEN SCREAMING)

Seriously, slow
the car down!

We're approaching
the crime scene!

Terry, I'm coming in.

TERRY: You're gonna smash
right through the tape!
Allen!

TERRY: Dude! What...

(OFFICERS CLAMORING)

(ALLEN EXHALES)

(WHISPERS)
That's a lot of cocaine.

Did you yell "America"
when you hit the accelerator?

Nope. No. No.

I've never actually
put my foot
all the way down

to the ground with
the accelerator like that.

(WHISPERS) It got me
slightly aroused.

Here we go.

Way to put your stamp
on the crime scene, guys.

Prius, huh?
Yep, yep.

MARTIN: Good mileage?

Oh! Outstanding.
Yeah.

Did this come
with a dental dam?
(LAUGHS)

No.
Get it?

My Suburban shit
one of these last night.

MARTIN: I didn't know
they put tampons on wheels.

(MARTIN AND FOSSE LAUGHING)

We've had our fun, huh?

MARTIN: Looks like Scarface
sneezed on your car.

All right, everybody!

I'm gonna need you all
to back up now.
We're taking over.

"At the crime scene, LOL."

Good tweet, good tweet.
Yeah, thanks.

America has always been
defined by its excess.

The Grand Canyon,
professional
sports contracts.

Wendy's Baconator,
extra bacon.

I myself have
18 Lamborghinis

and a Subaru
station wagon.

And it's because
of this excess that
I have flourished.

I implore you, please,
do not stop profiting.

Live for excess.
It's the American way.

Hello.

Mr. Ershon? I believe
this call's for you.

Sir David.

David. You're not
returning my calls,

so I'd like you to
meet Roger Wesley.

G'day, mate.
Hey.

Roger and his team
are gonna babysit you
because I don't trust you,

because I think
you're going to take off.

Pamela, this is ridiculous.
I'm not going anywhere.

David, listen,
the Lendl quarterlies
come out on the 26th.

You have until then
to give me my money.

I'm not reporting
any losses, David.

I have zeroed in
on a new investor.

Well, then,
you get their money,

make it disappear,
and then pay us back.

Yes, yes, I'll tell him
he doesn't need to keep
watching me.

David!
Okay, sweetheart, bye-bye.

Yeah. She overreacted.
She's a woman. So,
you're good to go.

Heard everything, mate.

(COUGHS)
Ladies and gentlemen,

guess who gave me
the secrets to making
my first billion dollars.

That man there.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Go! Go!

WOMAN: Side!
ROGER: Step aside, please.

ALLEN: You don't think
I'm a real cop, do you?

No, I don't.
I've said that directly to
your face numerous times.

I was really
honest about that.

I'm working on
a huge case, all right?

Property owner
with seven buildings
under construction.

He hasn't applied for
a single scaffolding permit.

Now, according
to Ask Jeeves,

this perp is at
the Plaza Hotel
speaking right now.

That's your big case?
Scaffolding permits?

Yeah.

Guess what?
You're coming with me.

(LAUGHS)
It's a wooden gun.

Oh!

(WHINES) That hurts, man!

(REMINISCING PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

I've always got
Little River Band
loaded up here.

I've got six
discs in here.

Claude, meet me outside,
at the back
of the service entrance.

I'm flying
Air Singapore.

Hey, Douglas.
How's the wife?
She died.

Attaboy!

I'll be there in
two minutes exactly.

TERRY: Another thing
I hate about you?

You always pay
in exact change.

ALLEN: You're just mad
because I have a nice
change purse.

Why do you even care?

How can I help it?
You know what?
You know what's worse?

The way you fart.
Even your farts,
they're not manly.

You're being ridiculous.

They sound like a baby
blowing out the candles
on a birthday cake.

What?
Like a little...
(BLOWS)

You know what
bugs me about you?
What?

I'm pretty sure
you've never voted.

No, I vote.
Sports radio, AM 880.
Play of the week.

You're like a child
in a leather jacket.
That's what you're like.

Get out of the way, man!

Wait. Are you
David Ershon?

(SIGHS) Yeah,
well, it's Sir David Ershon,
but I don't bother with the...

Anyway, little bit of a rush,
gentlemen, if you don't mind.
Thank you.

Excuse me,
but you're under
arrest, okay?

What?

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you do or say
can be used... Um...

What's the next part?
As a floatation device.

As a floatation device.

Oh. You know what?
That's very funny.

I have never
Miranda-ed anyone before.

Really?
Are you guys for real?

Am I being punk'd?

Detective Allen Gamble.

We are in
a cocaine-covered car,

and we are
bringing in a perp.

One David Ershon.

175 pounds.

Thank you. 175 pounds.
TERRY: Shut up, man, shut up!

Martin and Fosse are probably
on Studio B talking to
Shepard Smith right now.

We arrest this jerkoff
for a scaffolding permit?

Wait, wait, wait,
what am I being
arrested for?

For scaffolding
permit violation...

(DISTORTED GROANING)

I got my insurance
card. Somewhere.
Easy, mate.

What the hell?
You ran right into us!

Stand over there.
Huh?

Wood?

What the...

Couldn't see the car.
It's big enough, mate.
What?

Do not let
these men take me.

(SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)

Hi.
(SIGHS)

TERRY: Why's she looking
at you like that?

ALLEN: That's my car!

Hey, hey, hey!
We didn't exchange
insurance information!

Hey! Excuse me!

Why did they
take our shoes?

What the hell
just happened?

Where's my iPhone?

I think we've walked
30 blocks, man.

I don't get why we can't
just call the office

and have a squad car
come pick us up.

No. They took our shoes,
our guns, and our car.

There's no way that's
going out on the radio.

Look, if we're gonna
do this together,

there's some issues
we need to settle, okay?

I mean, you said
I had a weak chin.

You said the way
I pee is feminine.

How do you think
that makes me feel?

I mean,
that list you have,

you put a lot of
thought in. It's weird.

I hear you.

Let's clean the slate
right now. Fresh start.

All right.
Fresh start.

Maybe we should
call ourselves
the Febreze Brothers,

'cause it's feeling
so fresh right now.

Right?

Let's do another fresh start,
'cause I just wanted to
punch you in the face.

Fine, fresh start.

It's the last one.

I have to be able
to express myself and
say things, you know.

Okay, folks!
Everybody, listen up!
Listen up!

TERRY: Got a high
profile kidnapping.

David Ershon,
wealthy banker,
multinational team.

Maybe a sleeper cell,
but it's too early to tell.

Hey, Bilbo Baggins.
Where are your shoes?
'Cause your feet are black.

Who cares?
It's not important, okay?

Hoitz, Gamble,
Captain. Not good.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

(MOCKINGLY) Bye, guys.
Bye-bye.

Come on.

Guys, this is Don Beaman,
the attorney for Mr. Ershon.

Roger Wesley, head of
his private security.

Hey, how are you?
You son of a bitch!
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Terry!
Take it easy!

That's the guy who
took our guns, Captain.
And my shoes!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did you identify yourselves
as police officers?

What is this?

Allen, tell me.
Did you?

No, we did not.

Sorry, gentlemen.

We thought you were
abducting Mr. Ershon.

It's only protocol.

Mr. Ershon has
agreed to correct

this scaffolding situation.
The case is closed.

I've taken care of
all necessary paperwork.

And you fellas,
at this point,
should just be glad that

Mr. Ershon is not
pressing charges for
excessive use of force.

Thank you, Captain.
MAUCH: You bet.

Australian?

Special Forces, right?

Best watch your step,
Detective.

There are three things
I love in this world.

Kylie Minogue,

small dimples just above
a woman's buttocks...

Beautiful features.

...and the fear
in a man's eye who knows
I'm about to hurt him.

Hey! Shake your dicks.
This pissing contest
is over.

Come on, man.

All right, look,
they returned your shoes.

And they returned
your weapons.

Here you go, Terry.

Allen, someone was nice enough
to put linseed oil on it,

some kind of stain on that,
dark walnut or something.

You might wanna think
about dropping them
a thank you note.

ALLEN: Okay.

You're mad at us,
huh, Gene?

First off,
don't call me Gene.
I'm your captain.

Guys, do you remember
the "Be Smart" speech?

Sure.
All right.

Well, what did you do?
What'd you do about it?

The opposite.
We were not smart,
Captain Gene.

It's just "Captain."

Just "Captain."
It's not "Captain Gene."
I don't have a kiddie show.

That sounds creepy,
"Captain Gene."

Police mistakenly arrest
investment banker,

David Ershon.

Was he the victim of
financial profiling?

Financial profiling?
That's crazy.

He broke the law
and we arrested him.

That wasn't
a security team.

He said, "Don't let
these people take me."

I mean, when you hear hooves,
you think horses, not zebras.

What about donkeys
or deer?

They have hooves.
What about bovine
creatures?

Were you just thinking
to yourself, "Fresh start"?

Yeah. I could see it.

Listen, why don't we just
go over to my place?

We'll talk the case down.

We can have a little dinner.
You can meet Sheila.

Two cops talking down a case
while eating food, all right?

It's not dinner.
Fine.

And let me apologize
in advance, okay,

in case my wife acts
like a world-class bitch.

She's a big old broad,

(LAUGHS) and she
likes to wield it.

ALLEN: Okay, so I put
together a little bio,

complete with pictures
of Mr. David Ershon.

I used Adobe Premiere.
I like to do a little
weekend editing.

I recently just
cut three minutes
out of Goodfellas.

WILL LYMAN:
David Ershon is currently
the CEO of Ershon Consortium.

Who's that talking?

It's the Frontline
Narration App.
It's only 99 cents.

Ershon Consortium, current
financial investments exceed
$70 billion.

His largest clients
include Schering-Plough
and Lendl Global.

Lendl Global has those
TV ads where I can't
figure out what they do.

Yeah, oil, media,
health care,

you've probably
heard their jingle.

♪ Lendl Global,
we're in everything ♪

David Ershon is often
found in the company
of Judge Scalia...

Yeah.
...and the lead
singer of Maroon 5.

I mean, this guy could be
connected to drug cartels,

black market organ sales,
human trafficking, all of it.

How do you get that
from anything I just said?

SHEILA: Hey, guys!
Soup's on.

What do you mean?

(SIGHS)

Hi.
You must be Terry.

I'm sorry
I've been hiding, honey,
but this dinner was tricky.

(CORK POPS)
Oh!

Who are you?
I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble,
his wife.

Come on, seriously.
Who is that?
His old lady.

Sweetie,
it's a workstation.
Got it.

And you come in here,
dressed like a hobo,
it's distracting.

I know you're working.
I'm so sorry.

Come on, seriously.
Come on, what?

Who is that?

That's the old...
That's the old
ball and chain.

Get over here.

Not... Not right now.
Okay.

Look, they're not all
first-round picks, okay?

Come on, are you gonna
tell me who that is?

Are you really
Allen's wife?

Mmm. I know.

People are shocked
because he's Episcopalian
and I'm Catholic,

but somehow it works.
(ALLEN CLEARS THROAT)

Are you gonna change?

Oh. I already did.

It's no big deal.
You look really,
really nice.

Terry, you don't have
to be polite, okay?

She looks kind of shitty.

Don't speak to her
like that, Allen.

Look, if I put that
in my Cosmo Fashion App,
you'd probably get a D-.

Ooh! Allen and his apps.
He loves them.

You know he's designed
three of his own?
One of them...

Can I tell him?
Mmm-hmm.

One of them,
you can take a picture
of anybody's face,

and it'll tell you
what the back of
his head looks like.

Faceback.
Faceback.

Got some horrible reviews
coming out of the gate.

ALLEN: It's gonna hit.
It's gonna catch.

Why are you with Allen?

I mean, that's not
what I meant.

I meant, how did
you guys meet?

It's a really typical
"how we met" story, Terry.

You're gonna be
bored by it.

I was a dancer for the Knicks
while finishing my residency
at Columbia Hospital.

Allen came into the ER
with poison ivy on his rectum.

ALLEN: Yes.

Needless to say,
I fell for him immediately.

It's funny, it's like a scene
from that one movie,

always forget
the name of it.

With Meg Ryan.
Yes.

I don't remember a movie
where Meg Ryan meets a guy
with poison ivy up his ass.

ALLEN: I'll think of it.
I'll think of it.
Okay.

So, what about you, Terry?
Do you have a girl?

I did, yeah.

We were supposed
to get married,

but she backed out.
It's complicated.

Terry shot Derek Jeter.

Shut up, Allen.
This was before.

That's okay.

Oh! She's Got Mail.
That's the name of the movie.

That's it! Honey!

With Tom Hanks?
ALLEN: Right.

And Meg Ryan.
Meg Ryan.

He didn't have
poison ivy up his ass.

Yes, he did.
Yes, he did. Yeah.

Way up there.

Well, Terry,
can't thank you enough
for coming by. What a...

What a wonderful,
lovely evening. Thank you.

It was so, so nice
meeting you, Terry.

It was my pleasure.
Thank you.

And remember,
all I ask of you is,

you don't let him
get hurt, Terry.

She tells me that
every day before I leave.
Yep, I do.

SHEILA: I come downstairs
and I make him
his fresh-cut strawberries,

and I say, "Listen,
my little sugar balls,
whatever you do today,

"you just
don't get hurt."

ALLEN: Yeah. Every morning.

And then I show him
my breasts, and I say,
"These are waiting for you

"when you get
back home."
Right.

SHEILA: You know, Terry,
they're not the biggest
breasts he's ever seen,

but, man, are they perky.

Not by a long shot.

And they are firm,
and they are yours.

You're a nice lady.

Ohhh!

Thank you for coming.

MALE DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
Detectives Hoitz and Gamble?

Detectives Hoitz
and Gamble? Over.

Go for Hoitz.

We found your red Prius.
Great.

It was trying to vote
for Ralph Nader.

Come on.
Okay, sugar balls,
listen up.

There's gonna be
fingerprints on that car.

Tomorrow, we're gonna
run those fingerprints
through the system.

And if we get a hit,
(INHALES SHARPLY)

this case is gonna heat up
faster than a junkie's spoon.

You do one thing
when you wake up
tomorrow, bring it.

Okay.
Thank you, Sheila.

Oh. He'll bring it.

Good night!
Good night.

Thank you, Sheila.

Bye, Terry!

Bye, Sheila!
I'll never forget tonight.

Bye, Terry!
All right, Allen,
whatever. Go inside.

Bye, Sheila!

Night!
See you...
See you, Terry!

Bye, Sheila.

I don't know
if he heard me.
Bye, Terry!

Bye, Sheila!

Well, here she is.

They left her under
an overpass for the night.

You find anything?

Yeah. We found
a lot of stuff.

From bodily fluid
and hair samples,

we determined that
a bunch of old,

homeless dudes had
an orgy in the car.

Oh, God.
Yeah.

You know what that's called
when they do that in there?

That's called a soup kitchen.

It's pretty rough stuff.

Not long after that,
a mama raccoon came along

and gave birth
on the floor.

What about fingerprints?
You find any fingerprints?

Nope, couldn't get a one.
Found a cell phone.

Yeah, that's mine.

TERRY: Any signs of
a struggle or spent shells?

No. Believe me, everybody
that was in on this orgy
was more than willing.

In fact, they even
left you a note here.

"Thanks for the F-shack. Love,
Dirty Mike and the boys."

Here's something we found.

We found about a dozen
unscratched lottery tickets.

No fingerprints or nothing.
Check that out.

Yeah, it's a real shame,
you know.
I got myself a Prius.

It's a hell of a machine.

It's my first brand-new car.
I've never owned a new car.

Watch out. In the back,
there's a baby mouse
in a used condom.

Really gross.

Not even a free ticket.

What are we gonna do?

We got no fingerprints,
a bunch of
losing lottery tickets.

Look at this, there's
a two-minute phone call
made after we were jumped.

They used your phone?
They ghost dialed.

Someone probably sat on it.

It could have recorded
some of their conversation
when Ershon got grabbed.

We gotta hear the other
side of that call.

Nope, no, it's nothing.

Nothing? It's the only
lead we have.
It's nothing. It's nothing.

Why did you just
get super jumpy?

What?

It's an ex-girlfriend, okay?

What's the matter?
What happened
with you guys?

She was just a bit of
a handful, that's it.

(BOTH CONVERSING IN MANDARIN)

Allen, it's the only
lead we have.

We either go with this
or we walk away
from this case right now.

Fine. Let's go see her.

Hello, Christinith.

Hello, Allen.

That's my partner, Terry.

Hi, Telly.

(WHISPERING)
Holy shit. Dude.

(WHISPERING)
Just relax, relax.

I waited for you
in Tower Records

for four hours.

That was 13 years ago.

(MIMICKING SIREN WAILING)

Arnold Palmer alert.
Arnold Palmer alert.

Who wants some
Arnie Palmies?
(LAUGHS)

Sweetie, this one has
the vodky, right here.

Hal, just place it
down, please.

All righty.

Okay.

(CHUCKLING)

I did things in bed
with you that I haven't
done with anyone since.

No.

Christinith,
your husband,
it's awkward.

Oh, no,
he knows all of this.

You're a lucky dog.

It's true.
(PANTING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Christine, this is
a lovely house.

It's Christinith.
Are you stupid,
or are you deaf?

HAL: Christinith,
you idiot!

You come to our house,
you get my wife's name right!

What?
HAL: Christinith!

Look, we really
appreciate the hospitality.

We'd just love to get
the message off
your cell phone.

We believe it might
give us information
regarding a kidnapping.

Okay. Why don't you
come to the kitchen,

and I will let you
listen to it

and everyone else
stay here.

Okay, sweetie.

Come on.

Oh! There's my phone.

Oh! Great, thank you for...

(ALLEN GROANING)

I hate you,
you son of a bitch!

You're so strong.

I'm stronger than
you will ever know!

I hate you! I hate you!

You're so adorable.
Look at your face.
Look at your face.

You go, "I wuv you."
Say it. "I wuv you,
Cwistinith."

Mmm.

You probably think
because of the beard
that I'm really hairy.

But I'm not.

Shaved.

Allen!

(GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Allen! Allen!

This is police evidence.
Terry! Let's go!

HAL: Hey!

HAL: You get back here
and you make love
to my wife!

Allen! Allen!

I don't get it, man.
I just do not get it.

I mean,
that girl Christinith
was seriously hot.

Your wife is crazy hot.

I mean, even that
Brazilian security chick,

she threw you
a "Do me" vibe.

What is it with you
and hot ladies?

First off,
my wife is cute,
but she's not hot.

Dude, you're insane.
Your wife is scalding hot.

You wanna listen to
this message or not?
Yeah, whatever.

ROGER: You have
one job, mate.

Find a sucker to
invest with you

so you can pay my boss
back the money you lost.

And I don't care who.

DAVID: Right. I actually
think I found a sucker...

He's talking to Ershon.

...to invest $32 billion.

Who's got $32
billion to rob?

Once I get the money,
I'll falsify the records

to show their massive losses
and then repay your employer.

Now, since
you're following me,

I need to go to
2300 Park Avenue,

and after that...
(MESSAGE STOPS)

I told you it wasn't
a security team.

He was being abducted.

Obviously, but
what kind... Holy...

Nobody leaves our house
without making love
to my wife!

Is that him?
Yeah!

Oh, my God,
they came out of nowhere!

Holy shit!
They chased us 20 miles.

You come back here!
You get back here!
Allen!

(MEN SINGING)

2300 Park Avenue.
It's the offices
of the lottery.

Holy shit, the lottery
tickets we found.

Ershon is using
the lottery money
to cover his losses.

$32 billion. That's
the state's money.

Well, what do we tell Mauch?
A guy lost some money.

We have a scratchy
cell phone message
and an address.

It's still half a case.

There's gotta be some
sort of paper trail.

If we can find that,
we can track it,

then we can go to Mauch.

So, I did some more research
on Ershon's accounting firm,

and I found some
pretty interesting stuff.

It turns out that Gretchel
and Dawson has...

Hold on, I'm up.

♪ I gave my love to Erin
(MEN HARMONIZING)

♪ She promised to be true

♪ I went to war to come back

♪ And find five
British soldiers

♪ Had their way with her

♪ It was consensual

Done?

Gretchel and Dawson
Accounting Firm
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey

has only one client,
David Ershon.

Pretty rinky-dink operation
for a guy like that.

Looks like we're going
to Jersey to visit
an accounting firm.

That's a shitty day.

♪ And all their fathers
were hanged

♪ And the children
all got pink eye

♪ While their Harry Potter
books were burned ♪

Do you have fun
singing those songs?
They're really depressing.

I do. They're full
of rich history.

Damn it, I'm late.
I was supposed
to go meet my lady.

I thought you said
you guys split up.

Let's just keep our thing
about work, okay?

All right. Goodbye, buddy.

Hey, get off me, man.

(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(ANGRILY) What the hell
are you doing?
(MUSIC STOPS)

I'm dancing, Terry.
What the hell
are you doing here?

I love you, Francine.

If you were with me,
you wouldn't be here
in this strip club,

shaking it for
dollar bills!

This is a ballet
studio, Terry.

Okay? These poles
are horizontal.

He loves you
very much, Francine.

Who is this guy?

What are you
doing here, Allen?

It's the code.
I'm your partner.

I'm here
to support a friend
and a work colleague.

Francine, is this
guy bothering you?

Who's this,
your new boyfriend?

Great. You got
a new boyfriend.

He is my dance partner,
Terry. Okay?

I know that this
is a big surprise,

but there are other things
in the world besides
being a cop. Okay?

Now, if you will excuse me,
I'm gonna dance.

What, you don't think
I can do this shit? Huh?

(STUTTERS)

That was surprisingly
good, Terry.

I love you, Francine.

You don't know
what love is.

He loves you
very much, Francine!

I heard it when
he said it. Thank you.

You know
what you're doing to me?
You're killing me inside.

And don't
eyeball me, man!

You're running around
with this crack-dealing
drug addict?

Terry!

He does not approve
of your behavior!

Can you please go?

And you, too,
creepy guy standing
in the door?

Let's go, Allen.

I think we all experienced
our own ballet today.

The ballet
of emotion
and feelings.

You're kind of
making things worse.

(SIGHS)

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, I didn't know
you could dance.

We used to do
those dance moves

to make fun of guys
when we were kids,

show them how queer
they were, okay?

You learned to dance
like that sarcastically?

Yeah, I guess.

Stay out of my
personal life, okay?

The kid flies private.

Stay focused
on the case, man.

I'll see you in
Jersey tomorrow.

All right, Terry.

Hey, that was
liberating for me.

I don't know
how it felt for you.

Here, check this out.

Article from
six months ago.

Talking about how
the lottery is looking

to invest
their $30-billion fund
more aggressively.

So he's dealing drugs?

No, it's not drugs.
This isn't Miami Vice.

Hey, I got you a gift.

I just saw something,
and I thought of you,

and so, I don't
want it to be weird.

I just wanted
to be nice.

Of course it's weird.

It's a grown man
giving another man
a present.

There you go.
Open it up.

It's okay,
you're welcome.

I like to do
things like that.

Take a look what it says.

(CHUCKLES)

(TERRY READING)

You know,
because we're both
in law enforcement.

We both like women.

But I got a weird
sense of humor.

I'm a sick puppy.

I can't look at it.
It makes me laugh so hard.

Me, too.

(MUG SHATTERS)

Real nice. You know,
it's all class.

Okay.
Don't do that
shit anymore.

Yeah, believe me,
I won't.

Do you understand
what's so funny
about it, though?

'Cause it's the FBI, right?

It has the same logo,
the same shield.

And at first glance,
you're like, it's just
a mug that says "FBI."

But then at second glance,
you're like,
"Female Body Inspector"?

Get out of town.
This is outrageous...

Shut up!

(EXHALES)

(REMINISCING PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

ALLEN: I'm gonna climb over
that anger wall of yours

one of these days,

and it's gonna
be glorious.

Shouldn't we tell Mauch
that we're going to
check this place out?

TERRY: For what? We're just
going to check it out.

I know,
but it's procedure.

Terry answers to no one.

I do what I do.

What accounting firm
is closed at 11:00 a.m.
on a Tuesday?

Oh. This is a shithole.

(ALLEN GROANING)

I love bombs.

I can't hear!
I can't hear!

There's blood blisters
on my hands!

Oh, my God!

How do they walk
away in movies
without flinching

when it explodes
behind them?

There's no way!
I call bullshit on that!

When they flew
the Millennium Falcon
outside of the Death Star,

and it was followed
by the explosion,
that was bullshit!

Don't you dare
badmouth Star Wars!
That was all accurate!

I need an MRI.
(SOBBING)

I need an MRI!
I've got soft tissue damage.

There's no way
I don't have
soft tissue damage.

Please stop.

I just wanna go somewhere
and breastfeed right now!

(SIREN WAILS)

Fire Department said
it was a gas leak,
but no way. That was timed.

They didn't wanna kill us,
but they wanted to scare us.

Yeah, well,
they succeeded, okay?

I'm tired of this.
All right?

I'm tired of explosions
and people pointing
guns at me.

I wanna go back
to my desk.

Guess what?
Life gets loud sometimes
and messes with your ears.

You can't escape it
by hiding at your desk
for your whole life.

You know what?
Yes, you can.

I've done it
for years, okay?

There's no explosions
at my desk.

There's no explosions
at my home

with my plain wife,
in my plain house.

What are you
afraid of, man?

I'm your partner.
You can tell me.

What the hell
are you hiding from?

I was a sophomore
in college.

The university I went
to decided they needed
to raise tuition.

A classmate
of mine, Brenda,

in an effort to raise money
and stay in school,

came up with a nifty plan

where she thought she'd date
guys and charge them money.

I go on dates
all the time,

with a whole bunch of,
you know, boys and stuff.

And I kind of need somebody
to help me out, like,
you know, my partner in crime.

Yeah, I could
make a schedule.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's what I was thinking.

Provide transportation
services.

Yeah, yeah.

It's gonna be a good time.
Thanks so much
for asking me.

ALLEN:
She said she needed
my help to make sure

that the dates went okay

and that the guys paid her.

She said she'd give me
a percentage.

Oh, my God.
You were a pimp.

What? God, no.

No, I was just trying
to help a friend.

We started making
a lot of money.

And wouldn't you know it,
some of Brenda's girlfriends

decided they wanted
to be a part of it.

Pretty soon,
there were about 14 ladies
that I was protecting

while they gave me money.

TERRY: That's called
a stable of whores.

We decided I shouldn't
use my real name.

So we came up
with the name "Gator."

I'm telling you,
you were a pimp.

No! Are you even
listening to the story?

Anyway, one day, I wake up
and I look in the mirror,

and I don't like what I see.

I mean,
I had gotten out of control,
and I didn't even realize it.

You can't
have a conscience
in the pimp game.

One night, two of
my favorite girls,

Candy and Jolene, said,
"We gotta take you in,"

and they dropped me off
at the emergency room.

That's where I met Sheila.
I was a mess.

I made a promise
to myself and to her

that I would never get
out of control again.

So, as soon as
I graduated from college,

I became an accountant
for the police department.

The most stable job
I could think of.

An accountant
for law and order.

I just don't wanna
ever feel out of control
like that ever again.

Don't worry.
I got your back.

Now I say we go
get in Ershon's grill
and see if he cracks.

I'm tired of all this
tippy-toeing around.

Okay.

MAN ON COMPUTER:
You can either walk the plank
or take your panties off.

The choice is yours.

WOMAN ON COMPUTER:
I want to take
my panties off.

You've made a wise
choice, you have.

Mr. Ershon,
Detective Gamble

and the officer who shot
Derek Jeter are here.

Gentlemen, please.

Remember us, hotshot?

Of course I do.
Please, sit.

MAN: (GRUNTING)
There she blows.

Two of those
Russian waters, please.

No lime wedges,
just cucumber.

Guess where
we just came from?

An explosion at
your accounting office.

Yes, that awful
gas leak.

Gas leak?
The only gas leak

is the one coming out
of your mouth right now.

I just thank God
no one was hurt
or injured in a bad way.

I absolutely abhor death.

Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The jig is up, okay?

We know that wasn't
your security team
that grabbed you.

And we know you're targeting
a big fish to cover losses.

You talk or I beat you
so it don't show no bruises.

God, this water is good.
Terry, have you tried
the water?

Shut up, Allen.

I assure you,
I have no idea what
you're talking about.

I understand there was
a bit of a mix-up

with the whole
scaffolding business.

The cucumber
accents the water in
such a way that...

Perhaps by way of apology,
I can offer you my personal
courtside seats

for the Knicks game,
with access to
the Ambassador Club.

Come on, Knicks!
Come on!

I got Knicks' fever
and it's catching!

Hey. This feels
weird sitting here.

It feels like
it's a bribe.

It is a bribe.

Son-of-a-bitch,
I saw courtside
and I went blind.

Come on.

Call me!

Excuse me.
That was a trick.

No more.

Gentlemen, you have a choice.
Mamma Mia or Jersey Boys.

(SINGING BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY)

Fantastic! You're
so unbelievable!

Damn it.
He did it again.

Excuse me.
No more tickets.

SUSAN: Mr. Ershon,
I tried to keep them
in the waiting room.

That's okay, Susan.
Two Glacier waters
with Mediterranean limes.

No, no, no. No more water.
We're not here for that.

No, I was very much
looking forward
to having a water.

How great is Jersey Boys?

It's not great.
It's fantastic!

You totally undersold it.
The pageantry, the costumes.

Wow, what a musical.

Hey. Get over here.

TERRY: What's
wrong with you?
ALLEN: What?

That's not what
we're here for.

We're gonna do good cop,
bad cop. Okay?

It's the oldest game
in the book for a reason,
it works.

I come strong,
then you come in.

You got it?
Yeah.

I come strong,
then you come in.

Right. Got it.

Now you listen to me,
you piece of shit.

It's just you and me,
and I'm gonna rip you apart!

How did you cover
your losses up? Huh?

What drug cartel
are you working with now?

Okay, I'll talk to you,
you're reasonable!

TERRY: No, no, look at me!

(SHOUTING HYSTERICALLY)
You wanna talk to me?
You wanna talk to me?

Allen, what are you doing?
What are you doing? Allen!

(ALLEN CONTINUES SHOUTING)

I'm gonna make you eat
a plate of human shit!

Get away from me!
(DAVID WHIMPERING)

Where is he?

(DAVID GRUNTS)

Look, I'm really
sorry about that.

I saw how aggressive
you were being,
and I thought,

"Wow, I gotta go
even bigger than that,

"since we're doing
bad cop, bad cop."

What? No, I said,
"Good cop, bad cop."

I'm the bad cop,
you're the good cop.

Okay, then there it is.
That's it.

I thought you said,
"Bad cop, bad cop."

Well, while you
were going crazy,

look what I snagged
from his desk.

Think it's his
phone sheet.
Oh. Nice.

Seven calls
to the lottery office.

That could be the evidence
we need for Mauch.

(GROANS)

Get back.
Colombian drug lords.

Where are you
getting that from?

Jesus!

Can you imagine where
you'd be in your career

if you hadn't shot Jeter?

(BIKE REVVING)

We call this in, right?

Looks like we got
all the evidence we need.

I'm sorry,
my butterfly.

(GROANS)

We'll load them up,
send them back to go.

Holy shit.

ALLEN: What?

What do you mean,
what? Where are we?

We're in the high desert.

TERRY: They took
my shoes again, man!

What the hell is it
with taking shoes?

They took
your wooden gun?
ALLEN: Yeah.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
ALLEN: Hello, Gene?
I mean, Captain.

Captain, it's Allen Gamble.

Yeah, yeah.
Where are you?
What's going on?

Captain, it's a long story,
but I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.

We are in Las Vegas,
all right?

We were kidnapped,
put on a freight train,
and shipped out here.

Let me just
stop you right there.
Don't bullshit me.

Captain, I am being
straight with you.

Look, we think
something's going on, okay?

We think Ershon is
targeting the lottery
to cover his losses.

Wait. How many times
did I explicitly say
to you, "Lay off Ershon"?

Terry, Captain wants to know

how many times has he
asked us to lay off Ershon.

Twice. Terry says twice.
I agree.

I'm hanging up.
I'm done.

I gotta tell you, I started
getting a hand for that,
a taste for that Pai Gow.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Martin and Fosse,
super cops, in three, two...

So, we busted that junkie.
Got back 74 thou in diamonds.
74 thou.

(HOOTING)

Solved the Castien case.

$74,000?
That's all they took?

There's millions of dollars
of diamonds in that place.

How about this, Gamble?
How about you shut your face?

All right?
Just shut it.

Hoitz, Gamble,
Captain's looking for you.

(FOSSE AND MARTIN LAUGHING)

MAUCH:
I know it's off the subject,
but is Kevlar copyrighted?

Captain?
Yeah.

Is it a bad time?
No, come on.
Come on.

Not me, right?
Yeah, and you.

Fellows, I'm sure
you're familiar with
the venerable DA Radford.

He wanted to come down
and pay us a visit.

Hello, gentlemen.

Hello, sir.
Hey.

You know, I was
talking to Gene here.

He prefers "Captain."

Yes, I was talking
to Gene here, and,
you know, it's funny.

I don't know what you two
have been up to,

but I've been getting
calls from people
I don't ever get calls from.

In 40 years
of enforcing the law,
I've learned one thing.

When that happens, stop.

Gene, how's the family?

Good, good, Louis,
thanks for asking.

My son's bisexual, so...
Tremendous.

Gentlemen, do we
understand each other?

Cut the crap!

Will do.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Guy never comes down here.

Twenty years,
I think I've seen that guy
in this building one time.

He's a heavyweight cat,
that guy.

He was sitting right here.

Yeah. I think you missed
the point. Anyway, look.

Blue and white found
your firearms down

by the Hudson River.
Here you go, Terry.

You know what?

I'm gonna hang on
to the wooden gun.

To give me back
my real gun?
No.

'Cause I'm gonna
give you this.

It's a rape whistle.
You blow that if you
run into any trouble

and someone with an actual gun
will come and help you out.

(WHISTLES)

We were abducted, Captain!
This shit is real!

Ershon's dirty.
He's targeting the lottery!

Next, I want you guys
to hand in all the evidence

you think you have
to the SEC.

The financial district's
under their jurisdiction.

Don't you get it?
This case is talking to us!

I'm a peacock, Captain!
You gotta let me fly
on this one!

You know what, Terry?
Let's just settle this.
Peacocks don't fly.

They fly, they fly
a little bit.

MAUCH: Yeah, about
as much as a penguin.

One more thing, do me a favor,
don't go chasing waterfalls.

Was that accidental,
or were you trying
to quote TLC on purpose?

I don't even understand
the reference.

You don't understand
what you said?
I don't know what that is.

Get out. Go.

How did they get
that story?

I'm tired of being
treated like a jerk

for trying
to do the right thing.

Hey, guys.

There's a proxy vote
for a big reinvestment of
the pension coming up,

so if you just wanna
come by the old...

Damn it, Bob!

Let me ask you something.

What do you even
do around here
besides interrupt people?

Well, I serve as
treasurer to the union.

I make a wicked
pot of decaf. (LAUGHS)

Exactly!
You're a worthless
piece of shit!

Probably right, Terry.
That's why I feel
so sad all the time.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Bob!
Say something.

Come on! Bob!

I didn't mean it,
all right? I'm upset.

These braised
short ribs taste
like a dog's asshole.

Sweetie.
You know what,
I'm sitting here thinking,

"Who in the world
would slow roast
a dog's asshole

"and serve it
to their husband?"

You would.

You are being awful.
What's wrong?

Captain took us
off the case.

I'm sorry.

I told Terry about
my dark days in college,

and it brought up
some feelings.

Well, honeydick,
that was a long time ago.

You're not that
same person you were.

No, you don't get it.
There is a darkness
inside of me.

It wants to get out.
It wants to walk around.

It wants some
walking around money,

and it wants to
buy some shoes.

And it wants to walk up
with the people

and say, "Hey, Gator
don't play no shit."

You feel me?
Yeah.

Gator never been
about that,

never been about
playing no shit.

(SIGHS) Sweetie,
I'm sorry.
It's okay.

I just...

Remember that night we met?

The attending physician
told me,

"We got a drugged-out
pimp in the back."

And I went back there,
and I pulled open
that curtain,

and I saw you.

You were weak, scared,

ass up, inflamed, crying.

At that moment, I knew.

"Hey, he's no pimp.
Pimps don't cry."

♪ Pimps don't cry

♪ No, they don't

♪ They don't shed a tear

♪ Pimps don't cry

♪ They never shed a tear ♪

Come lay with me. Be safe,
and let's make love. Come on.

Every time you say,
"Be safe,"
it tears me apart.

You gotta let me be
who I'm gonna be.

Allen, I'm pregnant.

Whose baby is that?
(GASPS)

Who's the man
who did that to you?

Gator's bitches better
be using jimmies!

I'm sorry. See, that's
what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God.

You need to leave.

Get out! Get out,
Allen! Get out!

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

(SIGHS)

Come here when
I have lady troubles,

which means I come here
about every night.

What are you doing here?

Sheila and I got
into it tonight.

She threw me out.

Well, you're not a cop
till your wife throws you
out of the house, partner.

Does it bother you
that the Castien robbers

only took 74 grand
in diamonds?

They're junkies.
Who cares? I mean...

I don't know
if a junkie can go down
a 20-story zipline, though.

How you fellas doing?

We're about to have us
a little screw party
in this red Prius over here

if you wanna join us.

Hey, are you Dirty Mike
and the boys?

How do you know
who we are?

ALLEN: You left
a note in that car.

Police, shithead.

He's a copper.
We gotta go. Come on!

Hey! Goose it, boys!
They're cops!

You turned my beautiful
Prius into a nightmare!

DIRTY MIKE: We are gonna
have sex in your car!
It will happen again!

I don't know where
I'm gonna sleep tonight.

Fortunately, I know
where you're gonna
be drinking.

Jack of All Trades.
Drinks on me. Come on.

No, I already
have a beer.
No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about doing
some serious drinking.

Drinking with Terry Hoitz.

(IMMA BE PLAYING)

♪ Imma be be be be
Imma Imma be

♪ Imma be on the next level

♪ Imma be rockin' over
that bass treble

♪ Imma be chillin' with
my mutha mutha crew

♪ Imma be makin' all them
deals you wanna do

♪ Imma be up in
them A-list flicks

♪ Doin' one-handed flips

♪ And Imma be
sippin' on drinks

♪ 'Cause Imma be
shakin' my hips

♪ You gonna be
lickin' your lips

♪ Imma be takin' them pics
Lookin' all fly and shit

♪ Imma be the flyest chick
So fly

♪ Imma be spreadin' my wings

♪ Imma be doin' my thing
Do it, do it, okay

♪ Imma, Imma be here to stay

♪ The 21st century
until infinity ♪

This sucks, man.
Work our ass off
on this case,

now we gotta hand over
all of our evidence?

Yeah, it's not right.

Oh, my God,
I'm hungover.

So, you guys are
law enforcement?

Yeah, we're an independent
government agency who,

along with the FBI
and the Federal Reserve,

regulate the stock market
and corporate fraud.

And the Federal Reserve
is a prison?

No, basically,
it's a held-for-profit bank
that sets interest rates

and loans money
to other banks.

Is that a wastebasket?
Yeah, right there.

Thank you.

(VOMITING)

You all right?

(RETCHING) Holy hell!

(COUGHING)
I'm so sorry.

I got so drunk last night.

I think I thought
a tube of toothpaste
was astronaut food.

Come on in, fellas.

You gotta be kidding me.
You're Ershon's lawyer.

We're turning over
our investigation to you?

Let me assure you
there will be
no conflict of interest

between me
and David Ershon.

And if this were
an actual investigation,

I would immediately
recuse myself.

This is all the evidence
we have,

and I truly hope
you take this seriously.

Yes. Very much so.

From everything I've heard,
I understand

you guys are the best
at these types
of investigations.

Outside of Enron and AIG

and Bernie Madoff,

WorldCom, Bear Stearns,
Lehman Brothers.

Okay. Thank you.
Thank you, Detective.

Would you like a seat,
or you're fine?
No, I'm good.

Okay. Let me just
assure you fellas,

David Ershon is
an upstanding citizen.

I am playing squash with him
tonight at the club,

and we're having dinner.

You listen to me,
you Windsor
knot-wearing monkey,

you play squash
with Ershon, right?

Your kids go
to school with his?

How would you know
if he's clean or not?

I will take a look
at your evidence,

and I will take
a second look
at the financials.

And when I come back
and bust your ass,

we're locking David Ershon
in the Federal Reserve!

He still doesn't
understand the concept.

(I DON'T HAVE THE HEART
PLAYING ON RADIO)

What are you doing?

We just handed
all of our evidence over
to the bad guy's lawyer!

Are you a big man, huh?

I'm talking to you.
What?

You wake up in the morning,
you say, "I'm putting on
my big boy pants"?

"Look, I'm wearing a belt!

"I've got big boy
pants on!"

Stop!
We don't,
we don't do this!

You're scaring the shit
out of me, man! Stop it!

Is this how you conduct
yourself? In a democracy?

What the hell
are you doing, man?

I'm so tired of you
getting angry and
yelling all the time.

It's exhausting.

I feel like
I'm partners
with the Hulk.

You wanna know why
I'm so angry all the time?

'Cause the more
I try and do right,
the more I screw things up.

We've got a possible jumper
at 3 World Financial Center,
23rd floor.

All units,
fire department,
en route.

SEC.

Beaman's office.

We have to go.

But the Captain.
We have to go, Allen.

FEMALE DISPATCHER: All units,
I need a respondent.

Possible jumper,
3 World Financial Center.

(SIREN WAILING)

Shit. It's Beaman!

He's gotta
know something.
Wesley!

Detective Hoitz and Gamble.
We got this.

ALLEN: I took an online class
at University of Phoenix
on negotiating.

I'm gonna need
a priest and a bullhorn.

I got no bullhorn.
Does anyone
have a bullhorn?

Bullhorn, anyone?

Truck.

Police business.
I need to use
your PA system.

Okay, let me
turn it on.

Mr. Beaman?
Mr. Don Beaman?

It's Wesley. I know
Ershon's Wesley's...

Look, there's a lot
to live for in this life.

A lot of great things,
like soda pop,

big fresh can of soda pop.

They do not care!

Give me this.
I know how
to talk to him.

Listen, we all know
you're a scumbag,

and nobody cares about you.

Rotten piece of shit.

That's worse than
what I was saying.

I'm not gonna
lie to you, Don.

People down here are starting
to murmur that you don't have
the balls to do it.

I don't care!
Yeah.

I say you can do it.

I mean, I don't
want you to jump.

I'm just saying
you have the capability.

Look, he's flying!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Stop that.

TERRY:
Half empty bottle of gin.
Chair knocked over.

Look at this,
it's a clear sign
of a struggle.

Make sure you get
this, all right?

Detectives, all your work's
done here. You can go.

What about Ershon
targeting the lottery?

You know why Ershon
was calling down
to the lottery offices

all those times?

Because he was hooking up
with the Powerball girl,

the one on TV with
all the numbered balls.

Yeah. She filed
a restraining order
on him last week.

It was right there
in front of you
the whole time.

Can't be.
You guys are
getting transferred.

What?
Traffic.

Yeah, that's right.

You, you're gonna
walk a beat downtown.

You're gonna walk
a beat downtown.

It's done. No, no.
It's done.

Captain, what are
you talking about?

Save yourselves
some gas.
Captain!

Is there an appeal
process we can...

Had to do what
you had to do,
Captain.

Ouch!
(LAUGHS)

Wow! That hurt.

Excuse me.
Where's my car?

Oh. They towed it.

Couple of homeless people
were messing around in it.

That's an official
police car.

Could have fooled me.

Wow, Mauch
was upset, huh?

Really?

The only thing I had to
be proud of in my life
was being a detective.

That was all I had.
Now it's gone.

I know. I know.
You still got me.

Don't you get it?
I don't want you,
Allen, okay?

I never did.

I told you that scaffolding
violation was dogshit.

I can't believe you still
doubt me after everything
we've seen.

It's a real case,
and I'm a real cop.

We just got the wrong
target for Ershon.

You carry a rape whistle.

This is real cop work.

There is nothing about you
that makes a man a man, okay?

You got no gun, no car,
no wife, and now
you got no partner.

Leave me alone.

NARRATOR: A mutt case.

Terry, I am a cop,
for your information, okay?

A broken partnership.

I'm a cop!

And getting busted down
to a shitty assignment.
(LAUGHS)

Allen and Terry
hit the trifecta.

(SEASON OF THE WITCH PLAYING)

But sometimes
when you get
your ass kicked,

(GRUNTING)

that's when you find out
what's real...

...and what needs doing.

Whether it's
directing traffic...

Come on!

...or cracking
a multibillion
dollar fraud.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

Do you work here?
Yeah, I do.

The wrecking ball that
crashed into Castien
down there.

They also did damage
to your office?

Some police officers
came by and sealed it off.

Do you recall what
they looked like?

One of them had
an Australian accent.

You don't happen
to do any business

for the state lottery,
do you?

No. Our main client
is Lendl Global.

Can I ask what
this is about?

Gator needs his gat,
you punkass bitch!

NARRATOR: 'Cause that's
what a real cop is.

No, I didn't say
"Lock her up."

I never said,
"Lock her up."

A guy who does
what needs to be done.

A guy who knows how
to use his dark side
for good.

And then you move
to Florida.

One, two, three, attack!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Terry, it's me.

Tap out. Tap out.
It's me, Allen.

Are you tapping out,
or are you hitting me
in the face?

I'm tapping you out!

You crazy? What are
you doing, man?
Shh!

They might be
watching us.
Could've killed you.

Turn out the lights.
What?

They could be
watching us.
Who?

I found some big
information, okay?

About what?

Some scary shit,
Terry. This is big.

How'd you get in here?
This place is foolproof.

(TURNING ON STEREO)

We can't be too careful.

What are you
talking about?

This place might be bugged.

There's no bugs in here.

(AGAINST ALL ODDS PLAYING)

(WHISPERING)
First off, I missed you.

What's going on?

Did you hear
what I said?

Fine, I kind of
missed you, too.

Thank you.

Okay. I found out
whose losses Ershon
has to cover.

It's Lendl Global.
What?

Lendl staged
the Castien robbery
as a distraction

so they could break into
their own accounting firm
next door.

They then altered
all the records
to cover the losses

that Ershon had
cost them

through all of his
bad investments.

You're not supposed
to be doing this.

You're supposed to
be walking the beat.

I know. Pretty tricky,
though, huh?

This is bad, Allen.
This is bad.

No wonder the captain
wanted us to stay out of this.

Yeah, I bet Beaman
started asking questions.

That's why
they killed him.
Oh, man.

Here's the other thing.

Tomorrow, there's a massive
business deal going down.

Ershon's leading it.

I still can't figure out
who the poor sucker is
they're making the deal with,

but we gotta stop it.

It's time to let
the peacock fly.

I'm not going, Allen.
I like what I do.

So do I. We're cops.

No. I like what I do now.

I like working traffic.
It's a great gig.

What?

I like working traffic.
I'm not going with you.

What is this
traffic bullshit?

(MUSIC STOPS)
What are you talking about?

I'm talking about my life.

The corner I run on
54th and 3rd Avenue?
It hums.

It's Terry's intersection.

And the traffic guys?
They're good guys.

There's this
one guy, Phillip?

He can pee in the urinal
from 20 feet.

You've gotta see it,
Allen. You've got to.

What happened to you?
What happened to this
being our time?

No way, Allen.
I'm out. I'm done.

Get in the car.

Come on, Allen.
We both know it's wooden.

Apartment pop.
Now get in the car.

You're not
gonna shoot me.

Okay, I'll be honest.
This is only the second
time I've ever fired this.

So stop pointing it at me.

Look, tomorrow morning,
all I know is I'm going
to Mauch, all right?

For what?
He doesn't care.

He's been dodging
this case for too long

and I want answers.

I want him to look me
in the eye and tell me why.

Turn on the news,
man. Nobody cares.

I hope I'm not alone.

Hope you bring it.

We got a big day
out there. Big one.

We got a full moon.
People are gonna
be amped, all right?

Let's see what we got
on hot tips, all right?

Whoa.

The new bathmats are in.

(CHEERING)

One more thing.
We got a serial rapist
in Crown Heights.

Oh. Jeez, I'm sorry.
That's from my other job.
Ignore that. Forget that.

Well, don't ignore it.

If you live in Crown Heights,
you know, walk in pairs.

MAN ON PA: Gene Mauch
to kitchen accessories.

Gene Mauch to
kitchen accessories.

I gotta go. Go get 'em.
Let's be careful out there.

MAUCH: The oak.

I like to keep
the oak together

and the maple
separately, okay?

And these
chopping boards?

Hey, Captain.

Hey, Allen. Hey,
how you doing?

What are you doing here?
Are you here for the bathmats?

I need you to be
straight with me.

Straight with us.

Hey, Terry.
Look at this.

I thought you were
working traffic today.

Let them block the box.

Besides,
partners' code, right?

Thanks.
Wow.

Hey, why have you
worked your ass off
trying to kill this case?

All right, fine.

I'm gonna tell you
guys something.

You really went into
deep water on this one.

You really went in deep.

Ershon's connected to
all the higher ups,

and I gotta save what little
ass I have left, okay?

You keep hiding from
shit in the world,

and eventually the world
comes to your front door.

Nice.

That's very nice.

I heard it in an episode
of Touched By An Angel.

You keep this thing
real quiet,

and you make sure
you have real evidence,

and maybe I'll see
what I can do.

But if you make
a lot of noise

and you attract
the media attention,

and you bring
the DA in on this,

I am out, okay?

Yeah, we'll go in there
like church mice.

But there's one case,

one case in a career
where you go all in.

This is it.

All right.
Then you do us proud.

'Cause I don't
want no scrubs.

Really?

No.

You're not aware
that's a TLC song?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Second time.
You said chasing waterfalls,

now you're saying
you don't want no scrubs.

I don't even understand
the reference.
It's like a tic.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Remember,
this thing gets messy,
we never talked.

You can trust us.
ALLEN: Real quiet.

You gotta creep.
Creep.

Come on.

You don't say "Creep-creep"
unless you're quoting TLC.

Hey, guys.

You know Danson and Highsmith
were not good cops, right?

Yeah, I guess
we kind of knew that,
but it's a drag.

I mean, at a certain point,
who's left to be a hero?

Not to be corny,
maybe it's you guys.

You ready?

Yeah.
Let's go.

No, but the highlights
are great.
Thank you.

Sexy but serious.
Thank you.

Excuse me.

Who the hell are
all these people?

I was only
expecting one man.

You know, they're
just some people

I owe money to who
wanted to be here.

Who are they?

Well, they are some
Chechen patriots, entrepreneurs.

And the black chaps
are some businessmen
from Nigeria.

You owe money
to the Nigerians
and Chechens?

Yes. Yes, I do.

You're a piece of work.

Thank you.

Probably best
to get started.

This is good, baby.
We're in the game,
we know the score.

The only thing that bugs me
is we still don't know
who Ershon's targeting.

Is it the lotto?
Who is it?

Who cares?
Some rich prick.

I have to tell you,
I am tremendously
excited by this deal.

And I can assure you
that every dime of your money

will be invested
with the utmost diligence.

MAN: Your rates of return
are really exciting.

We think our members
are gonna be just thrilled.

Yeah. I mean,
we've averaged, like, 18%
over the last 10 years.

All right. Quiet as
a church mouse, in and out.

I can feel that
tingling in my balls
you were talking about.

TERRY: Beautiful.

All right, listen up.

I am Detective Gamble.
This is Detective Hoitz.

We need your cooperation.

David Ershon.

You're under arrest
for fraud, embezzlement,

and in connection
to the murder
of Don Beaman.

This is a bad idea.

Hey, guys.

Bob? What are
you doing here?

I'm investing.

Do you remember
we talked about that
proxy vote a while back?

This is what
it was for.
Holy shit.

It's a more aggressive
investment strategy
for the pension.

Allen! We're the suckers.
They're targeting
the police pension fund.

Gentlemen,
you're here illegally
and without a warrant.

We are within our rights
to take action.

(ICKY THUMP PLAYING)

(GUNS FIRING)

♪ Icky thump
Who'da thunk

♪ Sittin' drunk on
a wagon to Mexico

♪ Ah well, what a chump

♪ Well my head got a bump
When I hit it on the radio

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Redhead senorita
looking dead

♪ Came and said,
"Need a bed?"

♪ In espanol

♪ I said,
"Gimme a drink of water

♪ "I'm gonna sing
around the collar

♪ "And I don't need
a microphone"

♪ Icky thump
with a lump in my throat

♪ Grabbed my coat
And I was freaking

♪ I was ready to go

♪ And I swear
Besides the hair

♪ She had one white eye
One blank stare

♪ Lookin' up
Lyin' there ♪

So much for quiet
as church mice!

Go!

Who the hell
are those guys?

Gentlemen, I can get you
obstructed view tickets
for Rock of Ages.

Even I admit that's
not very tempting,

but I'm not
made of tickets,
God damn it!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

Jeanie! Get over here!
You, go get in the bloody car.

That's it, mate.

I have had it
with this joker
and his wooden gun.

They're gonna kill me.
And then they will kill you.

Well, I'm gonna
kill you first!

And then they will kill me.

FEMALE DISPATCHER:
We have two rogue
police officers.

They are armed
and dangerous,

and holding
David Ershon hostage.
Stupid pricks!

It's us, we're good guys!

Exactly. They're
the good guys.

Where do we go?
Where do we go?

I have a small apartment.
No one knows about it.

I use it mainly
for my parents
and prostitutes.

Not at the same time.
That would be wrong.

Let's hear it
from the top,
every detail.

I think the best way
to tell the story

is by starting at
the end, briefly,

then going back
to the beginning,

and then periodically
returning to the end,

maybe giving
different characters'
perspectives throughout.

Just to give it
a bit of dynamism,

otherwise, it's just
sort of a linear story.

Just tell us
what happened.

I lost a bunch of money
from some people
and now they want it back.

What about Don Beaman?

Beaman knew that I had
falsified my financials,

so they sent down Wesley
to try and keep him quiet.

He forced him at gunpoint
to drink a bunch of gin

and then forced him
onto the ledge.

It was only a matter
of time before he fell.

At least we stopped you
from getting the pension fund.

Well, but, yeah,
but you didn't.

It's already in my account.

By 9:00 in the morning,
it goes into the Lendl
equity fund

and from there
it's transferred

to a dozen
offshore accounts.

By 9:01, it's gone.

Well, what if we stop
the transfer?

But you can't.
I mean, there's a...

What if we stop
the transfer?

You'd have to be
at Endemic Bank
for 9:00 exactly,

find the clerk,
get the routing number.

We gotta stop it.

There's no way.

Every cop, the crazy
Australian and his crew,
they'll all be after us.

You could let me go,
and I'll give you
$10 million each.

It's not a bribe.

Of course it's a bribe.

You're offering
to pay us money
to not do our job.

It's not a bribe.

We hang low here tonight.
Nobody knows about this place.

We'll be safe.
And tomorrow,
we hit it.

First things first,
I gotta go see Sheila.

No way,
it's too dangerous.

Look, Terry, we don't know
what's gonna happen to us
tomorrow,

but tonight,
I need to make things
right with Sheila.

All right, go.
Go. Be careful.

Thanks, I will.

Will you say hi
to Sheila for me?

Okay.
Okay.

Tell her. Say Terry
was asking about you.

He wants to make
sure you know

that he'll be there for you
if anything happens.

Yeah.
Drop of a hat,
I'm there.

Look, it's starting to get
a little weird, man.

If something
happens to you,

I need to be there
to take care of her.

All of her wants,
her needs, and desires

are now my responsibility.

Why do you say it like
it's a predetermined thing?

Just go, man.

Okay. Thanks.

Go.

(PHONE RINGING)

Janeco Gallery.

Francine, it's Terry.
Please don't hang up.

Please pick up.

Hello.

Hey, sweetie.
I was praying you'd be
at your mom's house.

You know what,
I can't talk anymore.

I think the phone's
being tapped.

Oh! Baby, where are you?
I wanna see you.

I'm near the place
where we did it
three Halloweens ago.

Do you remember?

Okay, yeah, I got it.

I'm just warning
you, though.

Watch out. I think
they're watching the house.

Don't worry, sweetie.
I think I have a way
of talking to you.

I have to admit,
I wasn't gonna come.
I mean...

After all those years,
after the restraining order.

I was worried I might
not see you again.

There's some
very dangerous
people after him,

and now
they're after us.

It's just the old lady.

Hello, Allen.

Hello, Mama Ramos.
What are you doing out here?

Sheila said she doesn't
know what happened
and she wants you back.

She also says...
Yes.

...she wants you
on top of her,
holding her hair,

and riding her like
a bucking bronco

while she sucks
your thumb and says,
"Mommy likey."

You, you tell
your daughter...

He said he'll
always love you.

And he's so happy
that you're having his child.

Allen.

He also says that

he wants you to stare into
each other's eyes without
blinking while you do it.

I love when
we do that, Mom.

And then afterward,

lick the sweat off
each other.

(SIGHS)

I don't wanna do this.

You say things
that are too personal.

Okay, but just
one more thing.

She said she loves you,

and wants to hold your hand
and have iced tea with you.

Come on. That's not
all she said.

No.

She says other things,
but I don't want...

Please, please, please.

You don't realize,
I may be killed tomorrow.

Okay.

She says she wants
to unplug all the clocks
and the phones

and have a three-day
sex marathon.

That's more like it. Yeah.

She wants to walk
wrong for a week

because you guys
did it so hard.

That's just lovely.

No more! He says
things I can't say.

It involves
a mannequin hand

and an electric shaver
taped to a golf club.

Now what'd she say?

She says she loves you.

I'm so sorry
about everything.

And I just had to
come here tonight
to tell you that I love you.

And the reason why I act like
you're a plain wife is that

I'm afraid
that if I admit
to how stunning

and intelligent
and wonderful you are,

I'd just lose you.

Shut up, Allen.
I love you.

We have a place
that's safe. All right.

(OOH LA LA PLAYING)

♪ Dial up my number now

♪ Switch me on
Turn me up

I'm gonna break your hip.

♪ I want to touch you
You're just made for love

♪ I need la la la la la la
I need ooh la la la la

I'm about to do you
grandpa-style.

♪ I need la la la la la la
I need ooh la la la la ♪

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I brought some music.

Not what I would've
chosen, but screw it.

All right. Let's go,
Monday morning,
time to go to work.

Let's do it.

You want my gate code?
Shut up, man!

(MONDAY, MONDAY PLAYING)

♪ Monday, Monday
So good to me

That's Wesley!

♪ Monday morning

♪ It was all
I hoped it would be ♪

Yes!

Where'd you learn
to drive like that?

Grand Theft Auto!

Shit, Allen,
they're coming.

Oh, my God!
TERRY: Shit.

Do something, Allen!
Hold on, hold on.

(SCREAMING)

Someone's been playing
Grand Theft Auto.

(EXCLAIMS)

I did that!
DAVID: Oh, my God!

That's what
I'm talking about!

We jackknifed them!

Did you see that?
It went backwards and
then turned upside-down.

Gator turns vans
upside-down

like they're in a crazy
washing machine!

Why are you calling
yourself Gator?

It's a nickname
I had in college.

I used to run
a dating service.

He was a pimp.
Yeah, I was.
I was a pimp.

Right now the streets
are a bloodbath.

And, statistically speaking,
there's about 30 kids in here,

10 of you are gonna be dead
before your next birthday.

FOSSE: Got a couple of tips,
help you guys
stay out of jail.

One, try your hardest
to not be black or Hispanic.

It's a good tip.
Yeah. Two...

DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
Gentlemen, we got a hot one.

Hoitz and Gamble
have Ershon hostage,

high-speed car chase
in progress.

Yes! Gun, gun!

Pass up the guns.
Pass them up.
Let's go, people.

There we go. Anything,
any Tasers? No?

Good. Who wants to go
on a ride-along?

KIDS: I do!

All right, you, sweetie.
Come on, let's go. Move.

Move! Let's go.
Come on!

Oh. Cool, a helicopter!
Must be covering
the high-speed chase.

Jesus!

Who are those guys?

They're Chechen investors.

We were gonna do
a Chechen version
of Dora the Explorer.

Anyway, it went
terribly wrong.

I feel like it's not fair
that they have a helicopter!

Oh, no.

(SIREN WAILING)

Damn it.

(GRUNTS)

(CAR BEEPING)

Watch your head.
God, your hair is soft.

VO5 Hot Oil.

You're gonna wreck!
There's cars coming
from both directions!

I'm not gonna wreck!

I'm gonna wreck!
You're right!
You want me to drive?

(HORN HONKING)

(CARS HONKING)

(WHISPERING) This was
a very clever idea.

(WHISPERING) Yeah.
(SHUSHING)

(MAN SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

They're gone.

Let's go.

They are Nigerians.
Yeah, I'd forgotten
about them.

ALLEN: This is a shortcut.

TERRY: Are you kidding me?
You cannot go down there.

(GROANS)

(CAR HONKING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

What are you doing?

Hit him!

(SCREAMING)

Where are we?
Chelsea Pier.

ALLEN: What the hell?

Ow! Jesus!

Them having a helicopter
is definitely cheating.

Go!

Come on!

We're cops!
Hit the chopper!

(ALARM BEEPING)

(GIRL SCREAMING)
This is Martin
and Fosse, en route.

Back off!
This is our collar!

Set up a perimeter.
No arrests until
we get there!

Take the light!

Do not authorize
that transfer.

This is David Ershon.
The transfer is for him.

He will tell you not
to authorize it, okay?
Tell him.

Tell him!

Yeah, do as they say.
Stop the transfer.

Approve it.

Now.

Do not touch anything!

TERRY: I swear to God
I'll blow your head
all over this desk.

Not a person
in this room believes
you'll shoot this clerk.

Yeah?

Thank you so much,
gentlemen,

for the prompt delivery
of Mr. Ershon.

I have two competing bids
from jilted investors.

They're at 30 million,
and holding.

Wait! Can't
you let me...
Take him away.

But computers.

What if, one day,
they were in charge?

Now if you don't shut up,

I will cut your ear off
with a butter knife.
(MOUTHING WORD)

That's blunt.
Blunt's worse
than if it's sharp.

Now!

(MEN GRUNTING)

You just stood there!

I didn't know that
"now" meant that.

How am I supposed
to know that?

I knew what
that meant.
Shut up.

You kill us
and you kill Ershon.

You're out
30 million dollars.

Who's got the golden
goose now, huh?
Yeah.

(ALL GROANING)

Shit!

He's still valuable
with a bullet wound, mate.

He immediately
called your bluff.

Get up.
And kill the police.

I just wanna make
sure I get it right.

Did you want this
transfer approved
or not approved?

You, mate, I'm gonna
kill just for fun.

Police, don't move!
Drop your weapons!

Drop it,
or be dropped,
homeboy!

I hope you like
prison food and penis.

Police! Down
on the ground!

Let me see your hands!

Hey, hey, you okay?

Hey.

Hey, Gene.
Captain. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Don't worry about it.

You can call me Gene
when we're not in the office.

Okay. Thanks
for coming by.

Attaboy.

Come on,
stay with me.
Stay with me.

We're losing him!
We're losing him!
He's dying!

No. No, no, no, no.
I'm just resting.
I'm just resting.

I'm sorry.
Did I hurt you?
I was just resting.

Are you all right?
Just resting.

Hey, let me
tell you something.

As far as paperwork goes,
we'll take care of it.

You know why?
Why?

Ain't too proud to beg.

Oh. Come on.

What?
It's not funny anymore.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

TLC references.

Still nothing.
I swear to you.

I'm gonna go over
and check on Terry.

I got a bad knee.
Hold on. There you go.

NARRATOR:
It was the king
of the mutt cases,

but Allen and Terry
had worked it like stars.

(WATERFALLS PLAYING)

Within 24 hours of learning
about Ershon's scheme

and Lendl's massive losses,

the government
issued TARP funds
to bail out Lendl.

Lendl is in everything,

and we're gonna
go everywhere...

They were too big to fail.

Ershon now resides
in Palomino Federal

Correctional Facility
in Florida.

He still invests.
Currency's just different.

Roger Wesley was linked
to the Beaman murder

by security cam footage
which Martin and Fosse
hadn't checked.

It only showed the back
of their heads.

But Allen's Faceback app
was able to get a match
to their faces.

Terry married Francine.

He played harp
at the reception
and it was beautiful.

He had learned
how to play it
in the eighth grade

to make fun of the fairy
that lived up the street.

Terry asked Sheila
to be his best man,
but she declined.

Let's be honest,
we all wanna be
superstars and hotshots.

But guess what?

The people that
do the real work,

the ones that make
the difference,

you don't see them on TV
or on the front page.

I'm talking about the day-in,
day-outers, the grinders.

Come on, man, you know
who I'm talking about:
the other guys.

(ENGINE PURRING)

Goldman Sachs.
This case is
gonna be nasty.

Hi. Cute glasses.

What was that?
What?

What? Dude, what is it
with you and hot ladies?

TERRY: What's your secret?

ALLEN:
Honestly, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Tell me who you lost
your virginity to.

She actually
became a TV actress.
Heather Locklear.

Heather Locklear, what?

You've heard of her?
Come on!

(CAWING)
She was much
chubbier back then.

I don't get it.
I really, I don't get it.

(MAGGIE'S FARM PLAYING)

♪ I ain't gonna work for
Maggie's brother no more

♪ Well, he hands you a nickel
And he hands you a dime

♪ And he asks you with a grin
If you're havin' a good time

♪ Then he fines you
every time you slam the door

♪ I ain't gonna work for

♪ I ain't gonna work for
Maggie's brother no more

♪ I ain't gonna work on
Maggie's farm no more

♪ No, I ain't gonna work on
Maggie's farm no more

♪ Well I try my best
To be just like I am

♪ But everybody wants you
To be just like them

♪ They sing while they slave
and just get bored

♪ I ain't gonna work on

♪ I ain't gonna work on
Maggie's farm no more ♪

(PIMPS DON'T CRY PLAYING)

♪ Oh, Babe

♪ Is your watch broke?

♪ My friends been talking
Saying you don't love me

♪ Say you all about hustling
and making that sweet money

♪ You fill your chalice
with wine

♪ You got a feather
in your cap

♪ You say I look so fine
You give my backside a pat

♪ Your nickname for me is
Trick, or Girl Number Five

♪ It makes me think you don't
know what it's like

♪ For a woman to feel alive

♪ So when I ask what you are

♪ You take a draw from
your blunt cigar

♪ And the tears well up
in your eyes

♪ I know that
my friends tell lies

♪ Pimps don't cry

♪ They never shed a tear

♪ Now, my lovely queen

♪ I'm so sorry that
I raised my voice

♪ You see, love can turn
a man so mean

♪ When his lady doesn't
give him any choice

♪ And yeah,
I like to dress nice

♪ Platform shoes, rings
and a pharaoh's beard

♪ And, oh yeah, I flash my ice

♪ Damn it, woman,
I am a man to be feared

♪ Ooh, you scare me

♪ And when the sun goes down

♪ And all that money is
piled up on the dresser

♪ You see, a man works hard
for his woman in town

♪ I don't want to come home
just to second-guess her

♪ So you better not
second-guess me

♪ 'Cause one thing that me
and you can both agree

♪ That when you see
these tears in my eyes

♪ Just know that all
the rumors are lies

♪ 'Cause pimps don't cry

♪ Pimps don't cry

♪ Pimps don't cry
No, they don't

♪ They never shed a tear

♪ Pimps don't cry

♪ They never shed a tear

♪ You're so sensitive

♪ I'm crying for you, baby

♪ Oh, I see your tears, baby

♪ I love you now

♪ You better love me

♪ You only have to work
part-time

♪ I will work for Papa ♪

That was you.
You don't have
a sense of humor.

I do...
I have a wonderful
sense of humor.

All right, I'm gonna tell you
the best joke in the world.

We'll see if you laugh.
Please.

I love jokes.
All right.

There was these two guys,
all right, partners,
best friends.

Going moose hunting.
Right.

Looking around.
Everywhere they look,
there's no moose.

The guy's like,
"You know what?
We gotta split up.

"You go this way.
You go that way."
Right.

Next thing you know,
they lose sight of each other.

All of a sudden,
the guy hears
some rumbling in the bushes.

Sure.
He starts heading
over that way.

Out comes his friend
in his orange suit.

He's like, "Don't shoot.
I'm not a moose."

And the guy
readies his weapon,

points it right
at his face, and...

(MIMICS GUNSHOT)

Shoots the guy.
Whoa!

So the guy runs over, he goes,
"What are you doing?

"I told you
I wasn't a moose."

And the guy goes,
"I thought you said
you were a moose."

But he's not a moose.

(SIGHS)

Get the check-check
from Shen-Shen.

Let's get out of here.

(MIMICS SPEAKING MANDARIN)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.

DIRECTOR:
And cut.