Original subtitles

Hitchhiking is not a pleasure for a short-sighted person

who thinks auntie is a Rolls-Royce

Hitchhiking to a piece of top pop music

with a shocking grandpa in a coach

You have to know where, at the gates of Paris

to find the little mouse

that, without chewing, will make the kitty chew in the car

Hitchhiking is not a crazy thing to do with a family

Hitchhiking with a great grandpa

to a piece of top pop music

I can sort your ticket if you want

I'll sort it myself

I get it

The usual

My car is going to need 4 tyres

Well, here's your money

Be careful on the road

Hitchhiking in Italy can be dangerous

It's OK, I've got a technique

Bastard! Pig!

Pervert!

Some technique

I suppose I'll get used to it

Keep thinking of the money

I'll soon have that car

And those friends who knocked me for hitching

They'll be so jealous

Well, let them go fuck themselves

Me, Ravishing Dany, I don't care

Here's someone

Drive on, loser!

Bald as an egg... better to be careful

Will I, or won't I?

I will

Florence, yes... Paris, no

Florence? Sounds good

Give me a minute

You're going fishing?

No, hunting

- With this? - Yes, butterflies

- Really? -Yes, I've got them all

Except the African Death's Head Hawkmoth

That one I still have to find

I wish you luck

You're from Paris?

???? - It's the same thing

Paris... Notre-dame

Sacre Coeur... Magnificent... Sublime... Miraculous

Look!

The African Death's Head Hawkmoth!

It's yours! I'll give it to you

Avanti Savoia!

That's so good!

You're so good...!

Oh! Mama Mia!

You're good... so good!

What a great piece of ass

Pig! Defrocked priest!

Thinks I'm one of his butterflies

Bloody foreigners!

I'm fed up

They're even worse than the French

You've no idea, let me tell you

For me, Dany, ifl don't like a guy...

Curtains...

But ifl like him...

What did the other one say? Something like...

Ah, yes...

“The consultation and then the opening"

That's it - the opening!

Marcelo... Pull over, will you

Get in, miss

- You're going to Paris like that? - Yes

That's amazing

I'm going to Florence... I'm French too

My husband's Italian, I'm going to see him now

That's great, it's on my way

- You've come from Rome? - Yes

I changed cars twice

- Really? Why? - Breakdowns

Breakdowns?

Ignition failure

You liked Rome?

I didn't see much of it

I did the show and then I left

Quite right. Rome can be very tiring

La Dolce vita?

Oh, God!

You're very nice

I can't leave you looking for a ride so late

I'll be fine

You must stay with us and then leave in the morning

My husband is lovely, youW|see

It's not safe hitching at night there are some strange types about

I accept

I admit, I'm a little tired

My name's Danielle - Dany

And I'm Thalassa

Unusual, right?

But it's lovely

Marcello, take our guest to the salon

I'll fetch my husband

Thalassa!

Open this door now

Why won't you open it?

You're mad!

Stop it!

Stop it!

No!

Thalassa

Thalassa!

No...

5toP---

Please

No

No

Stop! Stop! I can't stand it

I can't take any more... Please!

It hurts...

Thalassa!

Tell him... Tell him to stop

Help!

Help!

Stop

No!

I'll do whatever you want

Please...

Please...

Get out

- You're not stopping? - Don't be silly

I saw you look at her legs

No chance today, only guys with their chicks

Seems they're all married round here

A hearse?

Better than nothing

Why not...

Get in

Make yourself at home little lady

I'm very happy to see you there

And I'll be even happier

This morning, as they say, I was down in the dumps

But Why?

It's not like I'm all alone, but... That one there doesn't talk

- That one there being... - Of course

And he's a doctor

I never go to doctors, me

Don't trust them

Proves I'm right, because he's back there and I'm up here

And I'm even a bit lazy

So where you headed?

Paris

But don't worry, I can get out if you want

Well, I'll tell you

If...

If you're nice to me, I might...

might go to Paris

He's in no hurry, the burial's tomorrow

Nice?

What do you mean exactly?

Just a little kiss to start with

Then maybe we pull over into the woods here

Get under the van...

- Under the van? - There's a rug back there

I'll show you what us undertakers are made of, chikadee

You're well put together

I studied anatomy before I worked in the morgue

Oh, for God's sake...

Just thinking about it and seeing that bit of leg there

makes me mad

I can't wait to get this over with

Or the lid will blow Off the pot!

But before it blows I'd like to get out

Please stop!

God's sake, here's the wood

Too right we're stopping, you bet...

Hold on!

Stop! I said stop!

That bitch runs faster than me

This one won't get away

Help! Dad! Help!

You bloody pig!

I'm so happy

I'm not

Listen...

Anything strange on the road?

No, Why?

- You didn't see anything? - Well...

Didn't see all the police cars ten minutes ago?

Ten minutes ago I wasn't here

What were the police doing?

Looking for a dangerous maniac

He escaped from the nearby asylum in a stolen Peugeot

Blue-gray

How do you know that?

I'm the director of the asylum

He's my patient

Is he dangerous?

He thinks women are sheep and sheep are women

- That's a good sort of crazy - Yes, very good

He rapes the sheep

and cuts women's throats

That's very soft wool

Quick... Look!

All those women in that field

What are they up to?

He can't be far from here

You can help me

We'll catch him

Since he's dangerous

we'll be armed

Please sir, it's a matter of life and death

Get in, get in

You have to live singing, you have to live snoozing,

you have to live laughing

I don't feel like laughing. A madman with a kitchen knife...

He wanted to cut my neck. Took me for a sheep

That's a good one!

Stop here and you'll see

Fancy a little drink?

No thanks, I'm OK

Fair enough

He's a good laugh

The undertaker wanted to rape me in his van

next to the stiff

That's funny?

Listen...

In the funeral van, I got laid

What a hit! You turned it down?

He's not far away

With your hair, he won't look too close, with the lid on his pot about to blow off

In a hearse? Wonderful!

The pot in the hearse The hearse in the pot,

in the pot, in the pot

Antoine, he's screwed! Christophe, washed up!

The pot and the mortician. The mortician and the pot.

The pot and the pot, the pot...

The stiff wants to get out of the hearse and run away

the mortician wants to scorch him, scorch him in the pot

The hearse wants to stuff it, without the mortician's invitation

and it starts to fight, to quibble for the pot

The stiff is excited, he wants to fill it with holy water

The mortician doesn't agree

He pees in the pot, and the priest, scanda/ized, runs after them

The hearse is a firecracker, the stiff is bereaved,

the mortician is drunk, and the pot is made of clay

The stiff, the mortician, the hearse, and the pot

The pot, the pot...

I can't take any more! Stop it!

You don't get it!

That's an LP deal all sorted

Barc|ay'|| be all over us, we'll share it

Why ride with an undertaker?

If you're hitching take the first car that stops

Great. Thanks!

Not you, you weren't the first

So you're a singer then

Just back from the C6te

But there's too many now, 2O at St Tropez

No more room

- So what do you do, besides burials? - I'm a freelance model

Not for long

With what I stash, I'll soon have my own wheels

And will you give rides?

No! Do you think I'm dumb?

But don't answer that

I've an idea. I've a picnic in the trunk

I know a little place we could stop

Great! I could do with that

_ _I'm Dany, |s Sebastlen your real name?

You're surprised?

You seem Dutch

Ah, the Van Gogh pipe smoker

It's been said

But I was born in Paris

8th arrondissement, Rue Amsterdam

That explains it

A guy from the north, you don't swim in mid-summer

I can't sing with wet feet

That's odd

You make up songs about anything?

The stupider the subject, the better the song

Here, I'll pick up my guitar and write a song for you

How sweet

Count up to three and I'm off

One-two-three

Dany you have your car

Dany, you can fly away

You can leave your mouse hole and wander in all the paradises

paradises where love is allowed on Saturdays

and Sundays and Tuesdays and Fridays

Dan)'

I'd like a copy of that to help me sleep

Now make yourself useful

Help me dry off

What shall we do with these?

Pull them down but don't peek

Come on, you're cheating

Is this all natural?

No, Carita did it for me

I quite like a guy with long hair

So, Sebastian...

It's Sebastienne

Do you mind?

Well, I think I could...

This is my first time with a girl

Help me

Help me get undressed

ReaHy?

So now what do we do?

What do we do?

So, Dany, was it OK in Italy?

Yes... yes

No bad incidents?

Lovely people, always so friendly

That's good

Dany, there's a job in Lyons

You'll be travelling first class return, as usual?

As usual

That worked

- I hit that jerk of a cashier - It's bad

— Could have shot his legs - Don't worry about that

Just drive

Right

Your cut is in the bag

Metro's on the left

So we agree, you'll carry on

That's what we want

- You got the dough? - Yes

- Not coming to Nogent, Bob? - I'm going to the alps with Maurice

- Cheers - Bye

They escaped in a white Peugeot station wagon

driven by a third man

The car's number is known

The registration number is 762575

The car is probably stolen

I'm going to Lyon

Sadly, I'm not. But Or|y's just as good

- Shall I stop for that hitcher? - Why?

Cops won't be looking for a couple

- You're not taking the freeway? — Costs too much

Special police message:

Two of the gang of bank robbers mentioned in our earlier report

transferred to a second vehicle which is now being traced

The license plate number is 80-93-NN-75

The cashier who was shot during the raid

died on arrival at hospital

Any information about the gang's whereabouts

can be given by telephone to Archive 0016

A roadblock

Get the papers

Your registration documents

Give him the papers, dear

I need your papers, not hers

What are you doing?

Getting onto the side roads

I think we got them

- Got an idea? - Yes, I've got an idea

So what is it?

Take the backroads to Dijon, divide the cash

and then split up

The car?

Dump it in a place I know

And no witnesses

You're right. No witnesses

Stop, you're hurting me

You missed your chance

That's not very nice

Take her in the back and tie her up

Give me your hands

Please...

Don't hurt me

I won't say anything

Get out

Do it

I said get out

No witnesses

So what now?

Try to hitch a ride?

- Here, take this - No...

- Put it in your bag - I don't want it

Fine

What's your name?

Dany

You can come with me

We live in different worlds, you and me

Listen...

You never saw me

OK, I never saw you

Are you going to Paris?

I don't know where we're going from one minute to the next

Well, I thought I'd ask

Please, come here miss

In fact we are going to Paris

Alfred, get the bags

You heard me, Alfred

As you wish, your Imperial Highness

Imperial Highness?

I'll get in the front, with Alfred

Not at all

Alfred, put the lady's bag in the trunk!

Here's my card

"Imperial Prince Theodore Basile Julien Auguste Anastase"

Pentiologue, Head of the Royal House of the Orient

No Shit!

So what do I call you?

They call me Theodore

And I'm Danielle. Dany, to my friends

In Byzantine that means:

"Whoever you are,

"we welcome you to this land, blessed by the gods"

So, you're going to Paris

Eventually, yes

Princess Doria, my grandmother,

will be 95 in three weeks

Take your time, I'm in no hurry

First I go for a swim in Cap d'Antibes

One of the few places where the limpidity of the water suits me

And water in your bathtub's too filthy?

Tell me, who do you know in Monte Carlo?

Croupiers in the casino

Listen...

You royals know each other?

You can tell your guy Rainier his roulette took all I had

I'll do that

Oh, I don't mean it

He's got 3 kids and might be expecting a 4th

That's careless on his part

He promised not to do it again

Whom did he promise?

The family allowance office

By the way if you go to Cap d'Antibes what will I do with Alfred all that time?

I find his eyes a bit scary

Well, you have choice

Share my water

or stay in the car

Alfred can read your cards

Share your water?

Get in your tub, do you mean?

It's in the sea

Deep and mysterious

That's pretty

Yes

La bohéme, start of Act Two

Sing it for me

Not right now

Here we are

Shall I serve his Imperial Highness?

No, you can eat it. I shall dine at the Pavillon

That's a great idea

Alfred, in my case there's a pété sandwich

Thank you, madame

Come on, I'm hungry

How far is it from Byzantium to Constantinople?

Right next door

Can't you insist the Turks give back your throne?

I'd have to beg for that

And a Pentiologue never begs

They beheaded my uncle the Emperor Anastase

And impaled Pentiologue Theodore, the Imperial Prince

Best stay away then

That's my plan

They left you with something

A Rolls, a chauffeur, that costs a lot

Those infidels stole the treasure of Santa Sophia

But thanks to a happy alliance my grandfather restored our finances

Poked an American girl

Poked...?

No, he simply married one

Should I bring another bottle?

You should indeed, and a big one

He's very keen

And who did your father marry?

Another American

It's a habit

No, a tradition. One I intend to challenge

Brute Imperial

Don't be so rude

Sorry?

You called him an imperial brute

It's the Champagne

Moet et Chandon, Brut Imperial

Well, you could just have said so

Serve it and give the bill to my chauffeur

I saw that at the gas station, you got Alfred to pay

An Imperial Highness can never deal with trivial matters like money

A Pentiologue can not hold out his hand to receive money

be it even a 1000 dollar bill

That's no problem, I could hold it for you

So you've really never touched a bank note or a coin

Why should I?

I have Alfred for that

I guess that's so

If you're not in a hurry can we go via St Tropez?

I was just thinking we could eat at Da Lolo's

You're joking, I'm in jeans

Alfred will fix that

What a loser that Alfred is, didn't even eat my sandwich

What is it?

Alfred

Come in

His Highness has a migraine

and has cancelled the meal at Da Lolo

But a couple of aspirins will sort that

The Prince has ordered food for his apartments

He requests your presence there, miss

Please come with me

Hotel food doesn't thrill me

Well, there's always the sandwich I didn't eat

Well, it's still there if you want it

Tell me, Alfred what's he ordered for dinner?

Russian caviar, grilled gulf lobster, and...

Go on. I'll get changed

Come in

So how's the migraine?

Better

Much better

I'm allergic...

How strange!

Some tunes give me migraine...

Like La vie en rose or Petit Papa Noel, for example

I'm sure you'll tell me it's just a matter of taste

I'd never tell you anything, at least not about that

So, tell me, you had some problems at the casino?

Yes! I lost the car's back wheels and radiator

That American game "craps", daylight robbery

Then the roulette

a girl pal gave me a martingale, the cow!

That's the chassis gone

So much for that car of mine...

Can you hear that music?

It's from Gunter Sachs's club

You know him?

Like my pocket

Or, like his

You're helping him out?

Not exactly

He finances the restoration of the oriental Pentiologues

In exchange I made him Count of Antioch

I see you don't know the importance of this title

It's 25th in line of succession to the throne of Byzantium

That's something

And me...

Can't you maybe make me a marquess?

I'll talk to Alfred

But why? What's it to do with him?

He's the kingdom's feudatory and holds the royal seal

Whatever that is!

Listen!

It's Sebastien

It is!

...a useful address

from me you can come

to La Madrague, where without delay

you will be fed, bleached, housed and pampered

Long live St Tropez in this affair

In front of Senequier we do business

We sell dreams there, but not reality

that's why you should never hesitate

in St Tropez...

The champagne... The music

So now, my love, what shall we do?

Theodore

You've a spaniel's eyes

So tender...

My head's spinning, I must lie down

Take off my dress

Etiquette dictates that the maid must do that

or my manservant

So where is he?

Alfred can do it

For both of us

Alfred, Alfred...

I don't need Alfred to get His Highness naked

And now he starts by breaking my foot

He's devoted to me

He helps me in everything

Let me breathe

So, is that it?

It's the light All Pentiologues are like this

It's hereditary

I'll fix it

Theodore

Getting there...

O Theodore.. I adore you

I'm a poet...

You should...

go take a shower

I don't want to

Well...

Pentiologues are very fertile

Anastase the First had...

244 bastards and two legitimate heirs

I'm doing it

Theodore... oh you're magic

The darkness suits you so well

You...

You're...

Your Highness!

You're not a prince, Theodore...

You're a god

It can't be...

It's an orgy!

"A crazy team

"Two crooks, both taking turns to pose as the Prince Pentiologue,

"were arrested in a St Tropez hotel

"having stolen the Rolls Royce of the Princess Pentiologue"

And I don't even get a mention!

I've never had a ride from a priest before

I hope it means good luck

I hope so, my daughter

Daughter?

Ah, of course, Father

So father, where are you taking me?

All the way to Paradise, my child

Amen...