Original subtitles

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(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, it's Fred.

Today is Friday.

Oh, my God! Say that fast and it sounds like "Fred Day."

Friday, Fred Day, Friday, Fred Day.

Two whole days of no school and pure happiness.

Oh, my gosh! If they decided this weekend

to make the weekends the week and the week the weekends,

that means we're going to have five whole days off

and only two days of school.

Oh, my gammit. I'm so excited!

And then when there's a really important holiday, like President's Day,

we only have one day of school.

I think they might decide to do that this weekend!

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hey. Hi!

Hi! Hi!

GIRL: Are you serious?

See you guys tomorrow. See you!

Yeah.

Hey!

You've never surfed before?

Judy.

Hmm. Judy.

Hey, hey!

Huh?

(INAUDIBLE)

Judy.

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHING)

Judy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You might not have been able to tell,

but that girl I walked home with,

that hacking awesome girl, (GASPS) that's Judy.

Judy. She's my girlfriend, obviously.

This weekend, it's crucial in our relationship because...

Wait for it, get ready, it's coming, hold on.

I'm taking things to the next level with Judy.

And she knows it, too. We've been inseparable lately.

(SPEAKS IN BRITISH ACCENT) So, I was thinking of having a party this weekend.

Yeah, we've been thinking about it.

But maybe I'll just have it next weekend.

Yeah, we aren't really sure yet.

(EXCLAIMS)

What do you guys think?

I'm thinking I might have Judy over today. I'm not really sure.

I mean, my mom won't mind.

I have friends over all the time and she never cares.

My dad doesn't care either, mostly because he's not here.

He's not with us.

He's not dead. He's just not here.

I can see how you might have misunderstood that.

But, you know, it really doesn't even matter

that I just have one parent

because my mom loves me twice as much.

And I pay her back by filling the whole,

entire house with beautiful music.

(SINGING FIRE BURNING)

Every room in my house was constructed for a specific purpose.

For instance, this room, my bedroom,

was constructed to have a perfect view of Judy's house.

(SIGHING)

Hi, Judy.

Fridays are usually my favorite day at school,

but I need some food for my body

because today was the worst Friday ever!

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Leave me alone.

Oh, he likes it. He likes it. Mommy.

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

He likes it.

Thank you!

You want some more? Whoa!

Kevin, just leave him alone.

No.

(SCREAMING)

(BOTTLES CLATTERING)

If I don't get any food in my body,

then there's gonna be no blood in my head

and then my head might fall off

'cause there's no blood in it.

Oh, my gammit!

I'm so upset about what happened at school

that I almost ruined my snack.

Cheese.

(SIGHING)

I say, "Oh, my gammit," because I'm not allowed to say bad words,

(WHISPERING) like the "D" word.

Anyhow, the thing that happened happened in music class.

I love music class, because, well, I'm a great singer.

(SINGING FIRE BURNING)

You know who else is a great singer?

* Fred

FRED: Judy.

She sings like an angel,

but like an angel who isn't dead because she will never die.

She will live forever, until she dies.

(SIGHS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTING)

No! Hot cheese! Hot cheese! Hot cheese! Hot cheese! Hot cheese!

(GASPING)

I burned my tongue!

(YELLING)

Hot cheese! Hot cheese! Hot cheese!

(SCREAMING)

I'm drowning.

(GAGGING)

Hot cheese.

I've decided not to have a snack after all

because I want to stay trim for Judy.

To be honest, me and Judy have hit a minor bump in our relationship,

thanks to Kevin.

Kevin is a big, fat nothing!

And I cannot believe what I saw her doing with him today.

(SINGING LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER)

Oh, my God! They sounded terrible!

It was like my mom trying to fit into her jeans.

Hmm.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

There we go.

It was horrible, I mean, and she didn't even notice it.

You agree, right? I mean, Judy was up there and she seemed happy.

I don't know if she was acting or what, but I have to tell her.

Maybe I'll invite her over for a pool party

and as we're lounging by the pool, I'll break it to her gently.

Judy, lover, you are a wonderful singer.

Oh, thank you, Fred.

But singing with Kevin, that was a mistake.

I need someone like you to be honest with me.

Don't worry, darling.

I've just had a law passed that will have

Kevin arrested for the way he sang to you.

That's such a relief!

(SIREN WALING)

Stop! Stop! Stop!

(SINGING LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER)

FRED: Anyone ever sings to you like that again,

just tell me and I'll take care of it, darling.

You're so romantic, Fred.

(EXCLAIMING)

FRED: Just beyond that wall over there is Judy's house.

She's only a few feet away

and I can't reach her.

They put up that wall to keep us apart.

What are you doing, Fred?

(SIGHS) What does it look like I'm doing, Bertha?

Judy thinks it's silly that you have a kiddy pool.

(LAUGHS) I don't care what Judy thinks.

Why would I care what Judy thinks?

What makes you think that? I mean, it's just Judy.

(LAUGHS) Okay, you're not going swimming?

No, I'm not going...

That's lame. Really, really lame.

Well, I think I might go swimming.

Have fun! TTFN.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God, that was almost so embarrassing!

Thank God I didn't invite Judy over for the pool party.

Sometimes I think I don't know anything about women.

I need some advice. I wish my dad was here.

Dad, what do you think I should do?

The secret is ruthless aggression.

It is?

You gotta look at yourself and say, "My time is now!"

Show her what kind of man you really are. Use those talents.

What are your talents, Fred?

(STUTTERING) I am a good singer.

No!

(EXCLAIMING)

You're a great singer! You're the best!

It is you who take mere words and make them melodious love.

Are you with me? Yes!

You've got to fire up! I'm with you, Dad.

Well, good. Just remember, it's probably gonna get cold outside.

Bring a sweater, okay? Okay, Dad.

Thanks.

That's it! I've gotta invite Judy over so we can harmonize together.

And then she'll forget all about Kevin

'cause harmonizing with me will be so much smoother.

(SINGING SOLID)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(GROWLS)

(BOTH CONTINUE SINGING SOLID)

This is it! I'm gonna go over to Judy's house

and invite her over to sing with me.

(OPERATIC SINGING)

I'm so excited!

I smell beautiful!

Nothing is going to come between our love, Judy, nothing!

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Oh, my gammit! Kevin!

I'm not going out there.

If I go out there and ask Judy to come over in front of Kevin,

he's going to undermine my self-confidence.

Maybe he won't notice.

I've got to try!

Here I come to harmonize with you, Judy.

I'm gonna do it!

I can do it!

Hey, Figglehorn, where you going? Huh? (GASPS)

None of your business, Kevin.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, what, are you going to Judy's house for a little playdate, huh?

You gonna do...

(MOANING)

Huh? You gonna do a little bit of that? Huh?

Kevin, that's not what I was gonna do, okay?

Dude, she hates you, man.

Why can't you just get that through your head, dude? She hates you.

She tells me all the time.

I mean, she came over yesterday, and, like, dude, you know...

She hates you, Kevin.

I see how you misunderstood it, because she hates you.

She doesn't hate me!

We're on a first-name basis.

Yeah, she hates everyone who can't sing, Kevin.

I can sing.

This whole neighborhood knows, you know?

You know? The whole neighborhood knows I can sing.

I can sing, dude!

I mean, she hears me all the time, man!

I'm perfect. I got perfect pitch!

I've been told since day one I have perfect pitch!

(SHOUTS)

Man, I could reach... I could reach all the notes.

That's weird because I overheard Judy saying

that she thinks you suck at singing.

Oh, you're going to get it! You're gonna get it, Figglehorn!

You want some of this? She said it.

I didn't. You want it?

(SCREAMING)

This is my cul-de-sac!

It always has been and it always will be, baby!

(WHOOPING)

I can't believe that idiot, Kevin, ruined everything!

I was so close.

(DOOR RATTLING)

(GASPS)

Oh, my gosh! Kevin is trying to get inside the house.

KEVIN: Fred. Go home, Kevin!

Figglehorn!

Get away from my house! Hey!

I will call the police! Fred!

I'm calling the police right now!

Figglehorn!

I already called the police and they said that if you don't stop,

you're going to go to prison with the fattest people ever!

FRED'S MOM: Fred, open the door!

Oh.

Mom! Sorry.

You're strong.

Fred, what's going on in here?

Mom, I thought someone was gonna attack me.

Although, I don't know why anyone would want to.

Maybe because of your voice!

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

FRED'S MOM: What, sweetie?

I'm going to have a friend over so we can sing, okay?

Honey, no singing.

I'm taking a nap.

Mom, we'll be quiet.

Can't hear you. I'm taking a nap.

Kevin!

I can't go over there and ask Judy to my house

with Kevin out there.

He'll embarrass me.

Judy has such a beautiful Southern accent.

I know it would harmonize perfectly with my normal human accent.

I don't know what to do.

What's wrong with you? Have I taught you nothing?

Dad!

No son of mine is going to sit here and hide

from Kevin!

(SCREAMS) (GLASS SHATTERING)

Yeah! My house!

Sorry, kid.

I don't want Kevin to make fun of me in front of Judy.

Make fun of you?

Sometimes you don't use these muscles, you use this muscle.

You gotta out-think Kevin. You gotta find another route.

Dad, the only other route is blocked by the wall.

The wall is nothing. It was put there

to keep you and your true love apart.

I knew it.

FRED'S MOM: I am taking a nap.

(SOFTLY) I knew it.

(GRUNTING)

My time is now!

Your time is now.

My time is now! Your time is now.

My time is now!

Time-out. Time-out, now.

Oh! (COUGHING)

Sorry, Dad.

It's good.

You're ready.

Thanks, Dad.

Before you go...

A little schmutz.

Once I get over that wall,

I can go up to Judy's back door and ask her to come over.

I've never even seen Judy's back door, but I bet it's really nice.

I'm going to use this to make a flying leap over the fence.

And then me and Judy are gonna walk back over to my house, really proudly.

And then Kevin is gonna be all confused

and he won't be able to do anything.

And then we'll be back into my house before he even knows it.

And this is the trampoline, and I got it for my mom.

She uses it to train for work.

I'll bet you Kevin never would have thought of this.

Stupid Kevin!

(CHUCKLING)

Kiss this, Kevin!

Here I come, Judy!

(GRUNTING)

I'm coming, Judy. Just hold on.

(SCREAMING)

FRED'S MOM: Fred, are you okay?

I hurt myself while trying to get to Judy's.

Do you need to go to the hospital?

No, I don't think so.

Then I'm taking a nap!

(SIGHING) This is better, much less dangerous.

(GRUNTING)

Digging is hard.

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm coming for you, Judy, just hold on!

Don't give up.

FRED: * I've been digging in the tunnel

* All hacking day

Okay.

Going back down.

It takes forever to get to Judy's house underground.

Oh!

What's this?

(CRACKLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Mom!

(IN DEEP TONE) Awesome!

Oh, my gammit, that was awesome!

I'm coming, Judy. I have butt-loads of energy.

Here I come.

I'm here.

Oh, my gammit! I dug all the way to China!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(WHISTLING)

I figured out what I'm going to do. I'm gonna disguise myself.

Kevin will never recognize me.

He'll be totally fooled and I'll walk up to Judy's door and rip off my disguise

and she'll think it's a joke and then she'll laugh and then I'll laugh

and then we'll both be laughing.

(SNIFFING)

Mmm! I'm gonna smell like green apples.

I have the perfect disguise. I ordered it from the back of a comic book

and it is amazing.

It's an invisibility suit and it's gonna make me completely invisible.

Here it is. I've been waiting to use this.

Whoa!

See you guys later.

Wow, that was totally worth $6.98,

plus shipping and handling.

Huh?

What's going on here?

FRED: Where am I, Kevin?

I'm here! Whoa!

No, I'm not. I'm over here.

Think fast.

What? Watch out.

Jesus!

What are you gonna do, Kevin?

Where are you? Behind you.

What's over here?

(GRUNTING) Oh, oh, oh.

Does baby want the ball? Watch out!

Stop! Are you gonna cry?

(FRED LAUGHING)

Does baby Kevin need his mommy?

(YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

Here goes nothing.

Oh, my gosh! It's such a weird feeling.

Floating shoe.

Who's doing it?

I don't know. Must be someone invisible.

What the heck?

Okay. Maybe I just didn't do it right.

One, two, three.

(VOCALIZING)

Gammit!

(YELLING)

I guess I have to find a better disguise.

(SNORING)

Mmm-hmm.

Oh! Ooh!

Boy, do I wish I could pull that one off.

Wait, what?

What?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Judy, I'm here! Is that Fred?

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

I'm gonna get you!

Oh, my gammit! Asian people kidnapped Judy.

What do I do? I've got to call the police, and the cops,

and the FBI, the CIA and the FBI,

and the Army, and the cops and the SWAT team.

And... I don't even have an emergency number. I don't know who to call.

I don't even know a number to call.

(SINGING FIRE BURNING)

That's who I have to call.

WOMAN: (ON PHONE) 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Hello, this is Fred, Fred Figglehorn.

And I'm here to tell you that my girlfriend, Judy,

has been kidnapped by Asian people.

Asian people have stolen my girlfriend and her stuff and her family.

Sir... Although, if you ask her

if she's my girlfriend and she says no, it's because we haven't

told a lot of people yet

and we were kind of keeping it on the down-low,

you know, people will be jealous, you know?

Anyways, she's gone!

Sir, you need to calm down.

Calm down?

(PHONE CLICKS)

Hello?

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

(SIGHS)

That is really frustrating that the police won't even help me.

Her kidnappers could be anywhere by now.

She's going to have such a horrible life!

Fred, what is your problem?

Mom! Mom, wake up! Wake up right now!

I am up.

Mom, Judy has been kidnapped.

They took all of her stuff! She might be dead! I don't even know!

What are you talking about?

Her house, it's completely empty.

Maybe that's because they moved.

What?

They sold their house to the Tangs and they moved.

Got their address right here.

They asked me to forward their mail. I'll get it to them.

(GASPING) Judy moved?

Where to?

I don't know. They asked me to forward the mail. I...

Why didn't you tell me?

Because Freddie, I...

I didn't know you'd be so upset. I wrote the address.

Mom! She's my girlfriend!

Judy. Freddie.

I'm getting their mail, I'm tossing it.

All right, honey, relax. I'm going out.

Be a good boy. You're a good boy.

Judy moved!

(YELLING)

(HORN BLOWING)

(ROARING)

(FRED CRYING)

* Judy moved away

* I'm so in love, it hurts so much

FRED'S MOM: Freddie, please, go to sleep!

* My heart is broken and my mom doesn't even care *

(HUMMING)

(SNORING)

DAD: Fred!

It's go time!

(CRYING) Dad! What's wrong?

It's Judy, she's been kidnapped by kidnappers.

Kidnappers? Who are they?

Her parents.

(GASPING) No!

Luckily, in the final minutes, she sent us a transmission.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Check it out. It's right there.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SCREEN)

That's classified.

Pay no attention to that. The transmission!

Oh, Fred! Judy!

There's so much that I wanted to say to you,

or sing to you or sing with you.

That's all I've ever wanted. You've always known that to be true, right?

Yes, Judy! Yes!

I knew you did.

Okay, Judy, listen carefully.

Yes, Fred?

You are under a bed right now.

(SCREAMING)

No! Judy, no!

Relax. We are going to rescue her.

Hey, hey, hey! Why don't you have your seat belt on?

Oh! Sorry, Dad.

I hope Mom doesn't get worried if she notices I'm not home

in the middle of the night.

She knows exactly where you are.

I've got your mail right here.

Take that!

(FIRING)

Don't mess with my son!

(PANTING)

What a crazy dream!

I think I know what it means.

I got it! Judy wants me to come find her.

We have a psychic connection.

And the dream is the only way she could possibly communicate with me.

I found Judy's address on this map. 56 Meadow Lane.

Sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Meadow.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I wonder what Judy's house looks like.

Whoa! It's nice, geez!

If I zoom in, I wonder if I can see her.

* Zoom, zoom, zoom

(GASPING) Ew!

That must be the guy who lived there before her. Oh! That is sick!

He pooped inside her bathroom.

The ghosts of that guy's poops will be inside Judy's bathroom forever.

What if they come back to life, huh?

I have got to get Judy out of that house.

There's only one problem,

the woods.

(WOLF HOWLING)

I have to avoid the woods.

(HOWLING CONTINUES)

I have to. I mean, I'd be way too scared to go back in there

after what happened

to little Evan Weiss.

I'll get it!

(LOUD ROARING)

FRED: Little Evan Weiss,

he never came out of those woods, never, scary.

WOMAN: (ON PHONE) 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

I need to know what bus to take

from my house to Judy's house, avoiding the woods.

Sir, I think you meant to dial 4-1-1.

This line is for emergencies only.

(LAUGHS) This is an emergency!

Judy moved away and I have to get to her house

so I can invite her over to my house so we can sing together.

Sir, please dial 4-1-1.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

Rude.

Turns out that there's a bus that takes me exactly one block from Judy's new address.

It's called the Number 7 bus.

I have no idea how long it's gonna take me to get to Judy's house.

So, I'm just preparing for the worst. I mean, it could take days, weeks.

Will I need ketchup?

Probably not, but it could be dangerous out there.

(SLOWLY) I'm coming for you, Judy!

(GUNSHOTS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, God!

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

(SCREAMING)

I hate ketchup!

Should be enough.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SNORING)

(GRUNTS)

I didn't know how much the bus costs, so I took $25.

Well, here I go.

(SIGHING)

Wish me luck.

What? It might rain.

Judy.

I'm gonna do it. I can do this.

Hey, Figglehorn! Where you going?

None of your business, Kevin.

(CHUCKLES) What? Are you going to a butt-face convention? Huh?

I'm just gonna ignore you.

Well, you're not ignoring me because you just talked to me.

What happened to your arm, Kevin?

Did you make a fake cast so everyone would feel sorry for you?

No, it's not fake. Actually, some guys tried to steal my bike

and I beat 'em up.

But it doesn't even matter because five girls already signed it, so...

Why did they all use the same pen?

Because girls like the color red!

I bet God pushed him down because he hates the way he sings.

What did you say?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I never said anything. I'm ignoring you, Kevin.

Then why do you keep talking to me, Figglehorn?

Where are you going, anyway?

FRED: Why do you care? I'm not gonna tell you.

All right, then.

I'll just follow you all the way there. How would you like that?

Well, I'm here.

(KEVIN LAUGHING)

You have to take the bus? That is so lame, man.

I have girls take me where I want to go.

I have a girl.

Oh, yeah? Who? My mom.

Oh, my God, man! Is anybody listening to this?

You're such a loser, dude!

Where are you going? Huh?

Where are you going? Huh? Where are you going, Fred? (BUS APPROACHING)

Where are you going, Figglehorn? Huh?

Where are you going? Is that your bus, Fred?

I'm not talking to you, Kevin!

Is that your bus?

Are you going to get on the bus?

Ain't got all day here.

(CHUCKLING) I know! I know where you're going.

All right. Where am I going?

DRIVER: Buck and a half.

Um...

Come on, kid. I got a schedule to keep here.

Here's five.

You can keep the change.

Hi.

(GASPING)

I think I'll sit back here.

Uh-oh.

I'm supposed to be on the Number 7 bus.

BOY: This is the Number 6 bus.

This is the Number 6 bus.

I know, but if Kevin knew all the bus routes and where they were going

and if I got on the right bus,

he would know where I was actually going.

So, by getting on the wrong bus he would never know

I was actually going to Judy's house.

Dude, please. Chill out.

Sorry. I'm just really excited.

I'm Fred. Fred Figglehorn.

Derf.

(VOCALIZING)

Dude, don't. That's lame.

Oh, right, I knew that.

So, who's Judy? Does she have a sister or something?

She's my girlfriend.

No, she's not.

What?

Judy is not your girlfriend.

You're right. How did you know?

Lie detectors.

Cool!

It's just Judy is such a smoking-hot babe.

And just every time I see her, I just tingle.

She makes you pee?

I said "tingle" not "tinkle."

Dude, take a joke.

I guess I'm a little weird.

Everybody is weird, man.

All of us.

What's that supposed to mean?

(SIGHING) Don't think about it too much.

It means something, though. Just process it.

Wow! You're like a god, Derf!

I know.

I wish I could be that cool around Judy.

She's the most hacking awesome girl, ever!

Yeah, we're for sure to get married,

but obviously it's not going to be tomorrow.

Although, I mean, I wouldn't mind that.

The best day of sixth grade would have to be when Judy and I

were assigned into the same math group,

Green For Go, because it was the advanced group.

The worst day would have to be the next day,

when the teacher realized I wasn't supposed to be in the green group

and whacked me really hard on the knuckles with a ruler.

You know, we're a really good, like, duo.

Like, we're really good together.

End of the line!

Huh?

End of the line!

You're gonna kill us?

No, it means you gotta get off.

Oh!

Well, it was nice meeting you... Derf? Derf?

Oh!

That's odd.

Oh, my gammit!

Slide, slide.

Slide, slide.

Fred? What are you doing?

Bertha!

I asked you a question.

Are you dong-e-a-fong?

No! No, no. Not at all.

What's "dong-e-a-fong"? Deaf.

You add "ong" to each consonant. Dong-e-a-fong.

What are you doing here?

Bertha, I can come to the pool

if I wong-a-nong-tong.

Yeah?

Well, I've never seen you here before

and you're not wearing a swimsuit.

This is my swimming suit. I mean, sometimes I just don't like

showing my body too much because, you know,

it's too much sex appeal.

(LAUGHS) Cute.

How come nobody's here?

You're, like, the only one.

Some kid pooped in the pool.

Ew!

The good thing is now there's no line for the slide.

I have to go, anyway.

Yeah, okay, sure.

I'm going to my friend's house. Girlfriend.

Before you go, do you want to try something cool?

Pretty fun, isn't it?

It's really fun!

My neck is hot but my feet are cold!

But what if I have to go to the bathroom?

Don't be a wong-i-mong-pong.

Well, I'm going swimming. Later!

I'm not a wimp!

(INSECT BUZZING)

(GRUNTING)

(FRANTIC BUZZING)

(BUZZING STOPS)

Mmm!

Help! WOMAN: Somebody help her.

I think she's drowning.

No, no, Judy!

I'm trapped. Just wait one second, Judy!

Fred! Judy!

Judy! I'll save you!

Hey, bro! I got it!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Move it, punk!

Judy, I'll save you!

Whoo!

(SINGING LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER) (SCREAMING)

FRED: Love won't keep you guys together.

You guys don't love each other!

(CONTINUE SINGING)

Why are you guys singing together?

Judy, Judy, I thought we were gonna take it to the next level.

No! No!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, my gammit! Oh, my gammit! I've got to get going.

I've got to get to Judy's house!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

So, did you get the poop out of the pool, yet? No?

Hey, Fred! You can't show up at Judy's house looking like that.

She's gonna make fun of you!

How did you know I was going to Judy's house?

I didn't until just now.

So long, dong-o-o-fong-u-song.

What are you doing? You can't be naked in here.

I was going to leave my underwear on.

Yeah, well, nobody wants to see you in your underwear.

I beg to differ. I've been told my body's pretty attractive.

* Uh-huh

* Yeah

* Uh-huh

* Yeah Uh-huh

* Yeah Uh-huh

* No * Yeah Uh-huh

* No * Yeah Uh-huh

* No * Yeah Uh-huh

* No * Yeah Uh-huh

* No * Yeah

Get your butt out of here.

(SCREAMING)

I'd like a regular cleaning.

Would you like a fragrance?

(SNIFFING)

Green apples.

Green apples?

Can I get a green apples, please?

Will you watch my bag for me?

Where's your car?

That was awesome.

(SINGING HIP HOP SONG)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SCREAMS)

Get out of the road!

Sorry.

Nice hair, moron!

(SCREAMING) Oh, geez!

Oh, my God! They sell squirrels! I love squirrels!

Customer! Squirrels!

GARY: I'm busy. LORENZO: And I'm grooming Lancelot.

And you're useless.

Yes, young man?

Oh! Hey. I was just looking at the squirrels.

We don't have squirrels. You might want to go to a park or outside.

We do have hamsters, though.

They're in the rodent family if you want to take a look at them.

Um, I saw the squirrels and I just thought that

they'd be the perfect present for Judy, so...

Look. I don't know her and I don't care to know her.

We can't help you, but presents are nice. I enjoy them.

LORENZO: Gary! Gary!

The young man believes the Pomeranians are squirrels.

I knew that. I don't think you did.

Excuse me! Yeah?

Come with me. Now, by squirrels, do you mean this?

Yep! How much are they?

$795.

Oh, okay. Lorenzo, can you ring us up? $795.

$795? That's how much my mom makes a year!

That is ridiculous!

Never mind, Lorenzo! He's broke.

FRED: Okay. Well, I'm just gonna be looking around.

So, don't even... Don't even mind me.

I won't.

I won't even be here, I'll be leaving soon.

(DOG YELPING)

Get in there. Yeah.

(GIGGLING)

I've been wanting one of these for a while now.

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

Put the dog down.

Dog? Squirrel.

Put the dog down.

Squirrel.

I don't have a dog, you psycho.

My God, Gary! He's a gang banger! This is Mace!

I will spray you. No!

I will spray you in the eyes!

Lorenzo, what are you doing with Mace?

Someone has to protect us.

This is not the time for your drama, okay?

Put the dog back. I will do it myself.

I don't have a dog!

Lady, clear out! Put the dog back.

It's not a dog!

Spray him, he's got crazy in his eyes.

Stop. Put the dog back.

Leave me alone! Put the dog back!

Spray him! Just spray him!

Don't tell me what to do!

(SCREAMING)

Gary! Look what you've made us do!

GARY: My beautiful eyes!

Tell your friends not to mess with us!

This is worse than when you made me stay at the Marriott!

I'm sorry.

Oh! Hey, sir. Do you know how to get to Meadow Lane from here?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What?

I can't understand you. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God! There's something wrong with me.

Why is there a voice in my head that doesn't even make sense?

Are you a spaceman? Is that what you are?

You're doing something to me, aren't you? You're gonna ruin my brain!

Get away from me, spaceman. I will not let you ruin my brain!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

Dam!

Dam, indeedy! Oh!

Hey, watch that cussing. I'm just playing. It's a dam, it's what it is.

I was just looking.

Good for you. You should look. Soak her in.

Soak in all the dam beauty. I tell you what.

She's the single greatest feat of engineering in the entire county.

Hey, you know what this dam is made out of, don't you?

No. Sweat and ingenuity, friend.

Sweat and ingenuity.

(LAUGHING)

Do you know how to get to the Number 7 bus?

Oh, the Number 7 bus, well,

it's just a quick, little jaunt through the woods right there.

(GASPING) The woods!

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't be scared. Don't be scared of the woods.

You're not scared of the woods, are you?

I have to walk through the woods?

There's nothing to be afraid of in the woods,

except for what happened

to little Evan Weiss. (GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

But if you're scared, I'll tell you what you can do.

You can just turn around and just go home. Be home with Mama.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Mama.

Mama. Mama.

Mama. Mama.

"Mama, save me!

"I'm a big, grown baby who needs his mama!"

What's wrong with you? You know what I'd do if I were you?

I'd man up! I'd face my fears. I'd BS. I'd be somebody.

That's me. Who are you?

(STUTTERING)

Man up, man! Head into those woods.

Face your fears. Do what I'd do.

Look at the... Respect the badge!

You're right. You're definitely right.

I should go through the woods.

There you go.

Judy needs me right now.

Do it for Judy.

It's just the woods. It's just the woods.

It's no big deal. Go on.

I'm going to do it!

Run! Run to Judy. Run to her!

No running in the dam!

Okay.

(WHIMPERING)

I'm okay. Good.

(LOUD ROARING)

(FRED SCREAMING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GASPING)

(BIRD FLUTTERING)

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay, Fred.

* Maybe if I sing, I'll feel better

* This place isn't so nice

* I never wanted to come back here

* because of little Evan Weiss *

DEER: I like your song.

(GASPING) You're a good singer.

Mmm-hmm.

You should thank someone for a compliment.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS) What's wrong?

Well, you're talking! You're talking and you're a deer!

Oh! For a minute there, I thought there was a wolf or something.

Whoo! You scared me.

Do all deers talk?

It's deer.

Do all "deer" talk? The plural of deer is still deer.

Just like moose. Nobody says "mooses" or "meese."

Do you all talk?

Some of us way too much. Hey, can I drop one with you?

Drop what?

A song.

Really? Okay.

BOTH: * Walking through the woods but there was nothing to fear

* Since I met my friend, the deer

* That's me

(HUMMING)

Stop! Hoofer time! Mmm.

You know, I don't even know why I've always been so terrified of the woods.

I mean, now that I've actually came here,

I realize it's not even that scary.

DEER: I'm out of here.

I mean, the woods has got trees,

deer, birds. I mean, there's just so much to it.

I mean, it's more than just, it's...

EVAN: Fred!

It's me! Evan! Evan Weiss!

I got it!

Got what?

The ball! I got the ball! I got it. (SCREAMING)

Tell my parents I'm okay!

Oh! Hey. Look, it's your little friend.

KEVIN: Hey, Figglehorn! Do you need a ride? Do you need a ride?

(LAUGHING) What an idiot! Mom, drive around the block.

I'm not your chauffeur. Mom!

(YAWNING)

KEVIN: Hey, nice lean-to!

One more.

Kevin, no. I am drawing the line.

I'm gonna tell Dad.

Don't tell him.

DERF: What is that?

Derf! How'd you get here?

Dude, my question needs to be answered first.

Sardines.

Lunch fail, man.

I know. I don't actually like them, but when I packed my food

I forgot to pack a can opener

and this is the only can that had a handy little opener on it.

And I've been walking all over,

so I'm really tired and I just got so hungry!

You've got to chill out, man.

I'm going to bed. Will you wake me when the bus comes?

Maybe,

but maybe not.

Bus, man.

Thanks, Derf! You're, like, the best friend I've ever had.

Just kidding, obviously.

I'm doing it! Wish me luck. I'm going to Judy's house!

(SNIFFING)

Ugh.

You want it?

Do you want it?

Excuse me?

I found this poor little animal

wandering around all by himself.

A squirrel! It's a squirrel. I'll take it.

This is my lucky day. Oh!

Me and Judy will be your new parents and we'll love you forever.

DRIVER: Meadow Lane!

Oh, my gammit, we're here!

You're gonna see your mama.

Here we go.

Judy!

Yes!

Judy.

Mom, I hate it here. I want to move back to our old house.

JUDY'S MOM: Stop complaining!

(CRYING)

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

Hello, miss.

(WHIRRING STOPS)

Who are you?

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

Fred!

It's me!

I knew you'd come for me!

You got my psychic message.

I did.

I brought you a gift, Judy.

A squirrel. I love squirrels.

Thank you.

It's nothing.

However did you get here? It must have been so hard!

It was! I crossed the entire city to get to you, Judy,

even the woods.

(WOLF HOWLING)

You went through the woods?

(HOWLING CONTINUES)

They're so dangerous. I've been worried about the wild animals.

I wasn't afraid of the wild animals, but I was afraid

of little Evan Weiss.

He's alive?

He's very alive.

Oh, my God. I'm so impressed with you. You came all this way.

But why?

To see you, Judy,

and to invite you over to my house.

Oh, I'd love to come over to your house,

to sing.

* Do

* Re

* Mi

* Fa

* So

* La

* La

* La

BOTH: * La, La, La, La La, La, La, La *

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(COUGHING)

Are you coming or ain't ya? Can't believe...

Oh, my God! The bus!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Judy!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Judy, I'm here.

Fred?

Where's... Where's Judy?

Oh, my God. Guys, it's Fred!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you doing here, Fred?

I think I could ask you the same question, Kevin.

Uh, no, you can't, 'cause I was invited and you weren't.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

So, get out, dude!

This isn't even your house, Kevin.

You can't just tell me to leave.

What are all you guys doing in here anyway?

I mean, are you just creeping around Judy's house or something?

What's it look like? It's a party.

Yeah, it's a party! That you weren't invited to!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Well, for your guys' information, Judy would be happy to have me here.

I call her every night.

Oh, my God. What a loser.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Judy. Fred.

Please tell me you didn't invite Figglehorn to this party!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you doing here?

Don't you want to hear about how I got here? It's a crazy story.

Fred, I'm kind of in the middle of my party.

I think she just told you to leave, man!

(WHISPERING) Maybe you shouldn't be here.

Judy? You're right.

Maybe I shouldn't be here

because, no offense to you, Judy, but this party is so lame!

This isn't lame. This is a good party.

Yeah. Now it is.

BOY: Now it is!

This is so embarrassing, Fred.

Judy, why are you being like this?

Oh, my God. I can't do this.

Judy, who are you?

Where's the Judy I know? Huh? Show me her. Show me the old Judy.

Fred, I think it would be better if you just left.

I'm really sorry, Fred.

Judy, I've came all this way just for you!

KEVIN: This isn't a Girl Scout convention.

We don't want any of your cookies.

We don't want any of your cookies.

Kevin!

(ALL CHATTERING)

(VOMITING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Take a look at that! He puked on her.

That is disgusting! Oh, my gosh.

(FRED SOBBING)

Fred! Fred, wait!

Dude, you got to send that to me. You got to send that to me...

I got it! I got it!

DRIVER: Hey, kid, you lost or something?

Kind of.

Where are you going?

Home.

All right. My shift's over. Get in and I'll take you.

But I don't have another $5 bill.

Get in.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pays to tip.

Take care, kid.

Thanks.

Don't. That's lame.

Oh.

(SCREAMING)

That was so humiliating!

I can't believe Judy had a party and didn't even invite me!

She's not who I thought she was at all!

I bet you that Southern accent of hers isn't even real.

She's probably never even been to the South.

FRED'S MOM: Freddie, honey, who are you talking to?

Mom? Mom! I'm really upset right now.

Well, one of your friends just sent me a video about you on the computer.

About me?

Yeah. You got to check it out.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

BOY: Oh, my God!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my gammit! This is so embarrassing!

Forty-seven people have seen this already?

That's more than my entire class!

Fifty-one people now. Fifty-one.

That's like three more people than last time! Who posted this?

KevSmellMyFart?

Kevin! Ugh! What a stupid username, and an even more stupid video!

Why do people even want to watch other people on YouTube?

It's weird! It's creepy!

I don't get it. I just don't.

Oh, my gosh! Another person just watched it!

And another! Oh my gosh!

In 60 seconds, 60 people will have seen this! This is horrible!

Imagine how many people will have seen it in a year!

Well, I'm not going to stand for this. No, no.

I'm going to have a party, and no one's gonna be invited.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Hi, Fred.

Hi, Mrs. Libo. Is Kevin here?

Oh! He is! Come on in!

Kevin! Your friend is here.

KEVIN: Mom, I'm in the crapper.

Kevin!

(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

Where's the toilet paper?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who invited Figglehorn here?

(SIGHING) I did. Kevin, be polite.

It's okay.

Kevin, I'm having a party tonight. That's why I came over.

(GASPING) See, Kevin?

Yeah, it's going to be awesome!

There's going to be lots of games and food and music,

and we're going to do a lot of illegal stuff.

Kids our age can't do it, but we're gonna do it anyway.

What? It's gonna be great!

That sounds like fun! All right.

Okay.

Here.

I met your father at a party.

Mom. That's disgusting. Come on.

What is this?

Your dis-invitation. I'm having a party, and you can't come.

I'm so... I'm trying to get it...

I have to go right now because there's a lot of other people

I have to dis-invite to my party.

Oh, what a sweet kid.

Yeah, I'm glad you're friends.

I'm not friends with him.

You should be because he seems popular.

Mom, I'm not even friends with him.

I would be because he's popular.

Mom, I'm not friends with him!

Stop touching my hat!

Oh gosh, right. Don't touch the hat.

Just wanted to make sure you knew you weren't invited. Bye.

Oh! Looks like you got my message

that you're not invited to my party! Sucker!

And I asked everyone, and they all specifically said you weren't cool,

so here you go.

One for you and one for you. Both not invited!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys!

Just wanted to let you guys know that I was having a party,

but you're not invited!

What's up, moron?

Bertha, hi.

Hi, Fred, what's up?

Not much.

No? Just hanging.

Okay. I saw that video of you online.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

It's so funny, isn't it? Everyone saw it.

I'm not stupid, I know. I get it. I'm over it.

Anyways, here. You're not invited to my party.

I never was gonna invite you anyway. See you.

It's gonna be fun without you.

I didn't think that video was funny.

Are you serious? I was all... (IMITATES VOMITING)

And then Kevin was like "Oh, let's throw a piece of pizza at him.

"So funny." But you weren't laughing, were you? No.

No. I wasn't invited to Judy's party.

You weren't?

Well, I don't know. I guess I just assumed.

Well, anyways, I'm going to go get ready for my party. So, see you.

Okay. Have fun.

Bertha! Bertha?

Um...

Would you maybe want to...

Like, you could just come and party maybe, just for a little bit?

You don't have to stay the whole time,

but do you want to come, maybe?

Okay.

Really?

Yeah. I like partying. I'm a good partier.

Okay! Well, if you come, bring a lot of clothes.

Just bring everything you got, okay?

What... Do I just... I can just bring anything? It doesn't matter?

A ton. A ton of clothes. Your mom's, your dad's, everyone's. (CHATTERING)

Do it now. Do it now, now, now, now!

Okay, I'll see you in a minute. Okay. Bye.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Did you get that? I got it.

Hey, Fred! (HICCUPS) What's going on here?

Nothing.

What are you doing with the camera?

We're having a party!

Did we talk about you having a party?

No, sorry.

How many people did you invite?

A hundred, 150?

You got a lot of friends, Fred.

Bye.

That's good. That's real good.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHING)

Nice one.

What time is it?

Huh? Uh, I'm almost done. Hold on.

Almost there.

Finally! I'm done with this video. It's going to be so awesome.

Let me tell you. Everyone at my school is going to be so jealous.

But what if they think it's fake? That won't be good.

I mean, they'll think I'm even a bigger loser. So...

You know what? I'm going to send it right now.

I'm taking the risk. Here I go.

No, no. Everyone will think you're a loser, no.

I'm doing it! Why should I even care what they think?

Fred, send it, send it, send it!

No, Fred. Don't send it!

Send it! Send it, Fred!

What should I do? What should I do? I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. What should I do? What should I do?

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Oh, my gammit! I sent it!

(SCREAMING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

This party is off the hook.

(BOTH VOMITING)

I wanted to make it to Fred's party,

but my girl didn't want to go.

I like to party, she don't like to party. I like to break it down.

(SIGHING)

I will be at the next one.

Oh. It was an epic fail of me not to go to Fred's.

I mean, I wasn't invited,

but I'm sure it's because I wasn't around when he was inviting people.

I've been out sick.

A lot.

I would totally go out with Fred,

but Judy's, like, my best friend

and I would never do that to her.

I was at Fred's house, and, like...

And we, like, hurled together.

I mean, we crossed hurl.

I don't care that I wasn't invited to Fred's party, you know. I don't care.

I don't care at all. I don't. I really don't.

I don't know why everyone's asking me that.

Who was there?

Best party ever, right?

Boys, quit staring.

Where are my friends? Where did my friends go?

Hey, guys! Guys!

Whoo! Hey. That was some party.

Hey, mister. Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Hi, Mom.

You sure know how to throw a little party.

Yeah, it was over yesterday.

Yeah? Did your girlfriend, Judy, show up?

Mom. No, she didn't. She's not my girlfriend, anyway.

Hey, listen. So what? She's probably just playing hard to get.

There'll be others knocking your doorstep down.

She'll be lucky to have you as a boyfriend

because you're good-looking, because you're a Figglehorn.

I am a Figglehorn, Mom. Thanks.

Anyway, keep getting their family's mail. Who does she think she is?

I thought you said you're going to toss all the mail, Mom.

Yeah, well, I'm a big talker.

What you... Nice house.

Yeah, it's Judy's house.

Is that the house where you hurled?

Mmm-hmm.

FRED'S MOM: Hey, I know that guy.

It's Danny Jennety.

Ew!

How do you know him?

We had a date once.

When was that?

That was about, I don't know, 15 years ago?

I'm 15.

I'm taking a nap.

You just got up, Mom.

Yeah, well, whatever. I'm taking a nap.

Dad! What are you doing here?

Taking a nap.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Judy! Hi, Fred.

You're tall.

Oh. It's the shoes.

You weren't at school today. I hope you're not sick.

I'm not sick. I'm not sick at all.

Were you taking a nap then?

No.

Why are you wearing your pajamas?

These aren't pajamas. They're loungewear.

Oh.

What do you want?

I wanted to see you, Fred.

Really?

I really wanted to apologize.

I just feel like I've been really mean,

and I should've invited you to my party.

I'm really sorry.

Don't worry. I'm totally over it.

I totally deserved to be barfed all over.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Want me to do it again?

Gross.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

So, can I come in?

Like, into my house?

I just thought we could hang out.

And do what?

I don't know.

Um...

I thought we could sing together.

(SOBBING)

Sing? Me and you, like, together? Singing?

Just hold on one second, okay?

Sure.

(SCREAMING)

Oh, yeah, dude. Rock on!

(PANTING)

Won't you come in?

Thank you.