Original subtitles

- Jameson, neat. - Okay.

There's that look.

That "who do you think you are?" look.

Like she can see exactly who I am.

They don't see who I am.

Because what none of them know, could ever even guess,

is that I am a vampire.

Hey, check out Mike Tyson.

Yeah, what's up with that?

For the next eight weeks,

watch as five weird, wild, real-life freaks

compete to win 50,000 dollars.

Aurelio Voltaire, a gothic homemaker, Islay Fire, a modern-day witch,

The Nudist,

Badass Becky, your foot girl next door,

and Stacz, a man who calls himself a vampire.

I'm the leader of a global underground community

of real live vampires.

I mean, there's 50 to 100,000 of us worldwide.

As the leader of my community,

I felt it was time to come out of the coffin

because I do sleep in a coffin.

Ladies, if you don't believe me,

I'd be happy to have you come check it out.

- Next we have... - Oh, my God.

It's so much worse than I even imagined.

Yeah, well, it was a lotta money that I could've won.

- But you didn't win. - Hey,

that foot chick really was a badass.

Anyway, my clips, I'm going viral.

From now on, any time any of us tells someone,

that's what they're gonna think of.

You made us look like we think we're supernatural or something.

That's ridiculous.

Of course it's ridiculous,

but they don't know that we know that.

You know what?

I don't have to listen to this anymore.

You have your updated test results?

Clean.

As a housewife's bathroom.

You know, you need me.

Who else would be sick enough to have you?

I mean, the only chick I know that has to pay for a donor.

I don't wanna owe you anything.

Well, I always said you needed to see a shrink.

Yep, I did.

She told me to cut you out of my life.

You kneel now in a sacred place

before all those who've gone before you on this path.

Freely and willingly I give you this.

My blood.

How much do you hate yourself every time you come here?

Almost as much as I hate you.

Where you been?

Work.

Nine million people

and you can't find another donor.

I don't have your talent for finding them.

You can always feed on me.

A pity suck.

Did you see the clips I sent you?

Yep.

Seven million views a piece.

Shit.

All of a sudden, the whole world's gonna know about us.

And that's the fucking guy they're gonna see.

Sarah?

What happened?

Lily's boyfriend broke up with her because she told him she's a vampire.

I just...

Someone sent him that stupid clip and he was showing me and I just thought,

"I'll tell him, I'll just tell him, and it'll be fine."

But I told him and he was like

you can't be a Muslim and a vampire.

And I said I can, I am.

And he said well I can't and he told me to go.

Oh, and that's why we don't date mundanes.

She was always on me about telling him.

- She had to tell him sometime. - I thought he was different.

They always seem different.

I just wanted a boyfriend.

You should try it sometime.

They'll break your heart, but you can have sex with them.

That's very funny.

Ow!

Oh, there's mail for you on the table.

What am I gonna do?

You're gonna find a nice vampire boy...

Oh, no I'm not.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna end up alone like Sarah.

Hey!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Your sister.

Oh no, what?

"Lord Stacz and Mistress Regan

request your presence at her annual birthday ball."

Fucking Stacz.

Fucking coffin.

You know what?

We should make a viral video.

You can't just make a viral video, that's not how it works.

I know, smartass.

I'ma make a video and it's gonna go viral.

A video of what?

I'm gonna come out publicly.

You're gonna go on the internet

and tell people that you're a vampire?

Stacz can't be the only vampire people see.

I'm a rational person.

If I just explain it to them...

What about me and Lily?

If you tell people, everyone's gonna know.

You just wanna keep hiding forever?

I'm not hiding.

I just don't think everyone in the whole world

needs to know what I do behind closed doors.

I think it's time we come out.

I want people to see me!

And you think people are gonna take you seriously?

- They might. - They won't.

I wanna make one, too.

I'm tired of lying.

What about your job?

What about your parents?

You're right.

We should just keep subverting who we are,

make sure everyone else is comfortable.

Shit.

I told you three weeks ago

that my prayer group was coming over tonight.

I'm just not comfortable with having anyone...

With having a heathen in the other room.

I promise I won't be there.

You know, I used to be just like you.

Cynical, a nonbeliever.

But when Todd left me after 35 years,

you know who was there for me?

Jesus.

Your mother called me this morning.

I'm sorry, what?

You need to pick up when she calls, James.

I don't expect you to understand this, being young and a man,

but you hit a certain age as a woman and you just stop being seen.

And you call and call and call and he doesn't pick up.

I'm sorry, are we still talking about my mother?

Call your mother, James!

Call her.

Hi, Tim!

Hey.

Hi, Tim.

I had a great convo with your mom last night.

Oh, yeah?

You know, we had such great times together at Oxford.

- She's great, just so great. - Yeah.

I got a good one for you this morning.

- Oh? - Yeah, coming in at ten o'clock.

- Oh, that's... - Your first church.

Should be a quick one, open and shut.

Let me give you some advice, James.

Most of the time working at the IRS

is like doing the work of an ant in a colony.

You work hard all the time,

lifting up three times your body weight,

but maybe once in your career you get a case

in which the group in question has attracted,

let's say, some heightened media attention.

And then a small spotlight might be shown

on the civic duty you do quietly, nobly, every day.

Happened to me in '94.

This might be the one where it can happen for you.

And...

what?

I got interviewed for a news segment.

The news.

Hey, come on.

This is Miss Woods, your ten o'clock.

You understand that you're being audited, yes?

Yeah.

This year you filed as single

but eight years ago you filed as married.

Divorced?

It says your occupation is grave-finder.

Can you tell me what that is?

Genealogists hire me to find the graves

of their clients' ancestors.

I take pictures, write down information,

they pay me.

Okay.

This lists you as the primary director

of a registered church.

The House of Twilight.

Yep.

Can you tell me a bit about what that is?

We're a collective of independent vampires.

You're a collective of independent vampires.

We're not supernatural, obviously,

we just, we, need to feed on energy to stay healthy.

And how?

We drink blood.

We don't attack people or anything, we have donors.

Ugh!

You know, I'm feeling like you may not

be able to objectively evaluate my case.

Do you think I could maybe get another IRS agent

who isn't quite so...

Human?

Judgmental.

You filed your taxes as a registered church

for the last eight years, meaning that you have not paid

any income tax on money donated to that entity.

Yes.

Did you register using a lawyer?

Look...

I printed up a list of a lot

of other alt groups that are registered churches.

Wiccans, Scientologists.

This is America, I'm not sure if you're familiar with America.

I have dual citizenship.

You appear to only have three current members.

Yeah, well, people come and go.

Look, James Thayer, I just, I don't understand

why this is happening.

Apparently there's been some heightened media attention

on your organization leading to attention from the IRS.

Are you saying this is because of a reality show?

Ma'am, please.

That's not even, that is a completely different house.

I don't know anything about that.

I just handle the cases that they give me.

So...

After an initial review of your organization,

the IRS has determined that there is not sufficient evidence

to justify your church status.

Unless the documents that you bring today

reverse that perspective, there will be

an immediate revocation of your designated exempt status.

You will owe back taxes for the past eight years,

plus interest, plus fines.

How much will that be?

You'll receive a letter.

Did you bring the documentation that we asked for?

Shit!

This must be a really boring job.

I mean, no offense, my job is really boring.

It's a job, I enjoy myself on evenings and weekends.

Yeah, me too.

Me too.

So, even the man hates the man.

Shouldn't you be inside right now?

I thought we were finished.

No, I mean the whole vampire thing.

I thought you weren't supposed to be in the sunlight.

Don't you think it's kind of obvious

that an IRS agent would be a complete fucking asshole?

Whoa, jeez.

Don't think you get any points for originality, though.

Hey, I'm really sorry, my day's just kind of a disaster.

Your day is a disaster?

That was discrimination.

What?

I'd say that that was

a pretty neat display of prejudice, wouldn't you?

I think I'd like to talk to your supervisor.

You don't need to talk to my supervisor,

I'm very competent at my job.

And I'm very competent at my job,

but I barely make enough money to live.

I didn't understand half the forms I just turned in

because I don't have a law degree.

And you think I'm a joke, so it seems to me

there's a pretty good chance that you're gonna rule against

me and make me pay money that I don't have.

So I'm gonna end up homeless or in jail,

so I'm pretty fucked.

But you're a bigot,

so I'd like to talk to your supervisor.

Or maybe you'd like to rule in our favor.

I can't do that, I've already handed it in.

Okay.

So who do I talk to about filing a discrimination report?

My only job is to look at it fairly and legally...

Okay, so look at it harder.

Reopen the case or I would like to talk to your supervisor.

Okay, fine.

I will give it a more in depth review,

but that's all, okay?

You need to bring me more, everything you have.

Paperwork, religious documents, press clippings,

anything that can help establish you

as a legitimate organization.

- I will, I'll bring it tomorrow. - No, bring it to me not here.

This is my personal cell phone.

Call me on this, do not call me at the office.

Meet me at a bar or something, anything not here.

This has to be before Monday.

You know,

Raul is leaving at the end of this month.

There's just two people they'd give his job to.

Oh, I don't know.

You've been here a lot longer than I have.

That's right, I have.

That I'm a vampire is a physical fact, yes,

but it's also a spiritual calling.

It's a religion.

It connects me to my higher self.

Hey, Mom. It's me.

I got your voice messages.

I'm sorry that I missed you,

it's the middle of the night there, obviously.

I was on a date, actually.

Just a minute.

Hey, roomie.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Touch it.

It's greasy.

It's okay, we'll get used to each other.

You gotta work at it like a marriage.

Good thing we both did so well at that, then.

Okay.

- Night, roomie. - Night.

Are you drinking?

I don't drink... wine.

This doesn't seem like your kinda place.

What's my kinda place?

Well, it's a vegan cafe, so.

That's everything I could think of.

Sample donor contracts, rules about blood tests.

I printed out the vampire codex

which is a little bit like our Bible.

Great.

I will see what I can do.

Can I ask you a question off the record?

Do you really drink blood?

Yes.

Why?

Okay, so, we have a biological condition

that's basically an inability to create enough energy,

so blood is the physical manifestation of energy,

that's the thing that flows through us.

So we have to supplement our own energy

by feeding on donors.

Well what do you want me to say?

We live in New York in the 21st century.

I was sick all the time as a kid.

I went to a lot of doctors and nothing helped.

When I started drinking blood, I got better.

How else do you explain that?

Did you try vitamins?

Maybe you just have a... run-of-the-mill iron deficiency.

That's nice, maybe later I could take pot shots at your beliefs.

I don't think I have any beliefs.

You must think I'm such a...

A what?

An IRS agent.

I mean, I am, obviously, an IRS agent,

but I... I, do other things.

You know, I...

read.

You're kind of a weirdo.

Thank you for escorting me.

I will give it a fair look.

It doesn't make any sense to me,

but if drinking blood makes you feel better,

then who am I to...

Thanks.

I mean, I'm just gonna reopen the case for review,

- I can't... - I know,

but I appreciate you breaking the rules for me.

- Uhm... - Uh... I have to go.

Wait, okay, sure. Uhm...

I... did you just?

No, I just, I think I really have to go.

No, wait!

What do you have in your church?

Do you have like services, or?

We have meetings.

Maybe you could, do you want to invite me to one?

For the case.

I just think that it would be good

if I could see more of what it is that you do.

- Fine. - Great.

Text me?

Goodnight.

Goodnight!

I thought it was an open-shut case.

Right, yeah, it's just it's my first church.

And this would be a good notch in your bed post.

- This one. - I know, I wanna do a good job.

Good!

Hey, I don't know if you saw the Facebook invite,

but there's a company picnic in a few weeks.

Oh, yeah.

Pam and I would be happy to come pick you up

and give you a ride if you wanted.

Oh, I didn't know you had a car.

No, I don't.

Sounds great, Tim.

Okay.

Oh, fucker!

I became obsessed.

What is going on?

We put the videos up an hour ago.

Stare at the blood.

I just knew.

Like you know you need to sleep.

That I needed to taste it.

If you say anything, I'll hit you.

We read the comments section.

Who the fuck are these people?

Are they just waiting by their computers

for someone they can rip open with their teeth?

Chrissy got into a fight with one of them.

He kept telling people we sleep in coffins.

Where do you think he heard that?

Fucking Stacz.

We're going to Regan's ball.

We have to get Stacz to help us with the audit.

He has people everywhere.

He could get someone to help us if he wanted.

No.

This is his fault.

- He has to, he should... - I am not asking him for...

I'll ask him.

I'm not going.

Do you have a better idea?

I'm gonna bring the IRS guy then.

He wants to know what vampires are like for the case.

It's James, right?

Thayer.

James Thayer.

Hello, James Thayer.

And so... what's your position in the church?

Are you the leader?

We're in an egalitarian group, I'm just the...

It was her idea.

And... where are we going?

The Court of Dreams.

It's the governing body of all the vampire houses in the city.

Not ours.

These are not our vampires.

We broke off eight years ago

because these vampires are fucking insane.

Whoa, that's that vampire chick from YouTube.

Ayo, vampire lady, you wanna come sleep in my coffin?

Only 103 people saw that video,

and that fucking guy's one of them.

Hey, are you that guy?

Chrissy.

I said I don't sleep in coffins.

We don't sleep in coffins.

Write that down.

He's not my boy, he's a dipshit.

Can't that lady just back off?

Calm down, Wackula.

He had a lot of friends with them.

Mistress Christine Berman.

Former elder of the Court of Dreams.

Mistress Sarah.

Former bride of the King of Kings

of the House Pont Du Lac.

And their guest.

Jesus, don't pop a boner.

Do mine eyes deceive me?

How longst has it been?

Still doing the Shakespeare thing, huh?

Lady.

- Is this blood? - No.

Ugh! Did I mention there's no alcohol at these things?

Barrel of laughs this crowd is.

How often does this happen?

About once a month.

Christine.

Alice.

Regan.

Regan.

She changed her name to Regan because it means queen.

Sarah.

Regan.

It is a surprise to see you once more

amongst our number.

And who's this?

Have you finally found a boyfriend?

Not Sarah's boyfriend.

This is James, he's our black swan.

It's just a mundane who's cool about vampires.

- A mundane? - Non-vampire.

You mean like a muggle?

I'm Sarah's ex-husband.

Congratulations on your new internet fame.

I'm sure you're enjoying that.

Can be a burden sometimes too, though.

The elders are not happy

about your unapproved internet appearance.

I figured.

I am the approved media contact for this community.

And you're just jeopardizing the privacy of every...

I'm jeopardizing?

We're being audited because of you.

Yeah, and you could be next.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

That's your ex-husband?

Yeah.

It's my...

It's my mom.

I have an ex, too, wife.

I married her because she wanted me to.

No, because I mean my mom wanted me to.

She... just suffocates me.

You know, I believe in a sensual approach to life.

If it feels good, do it.

- So I said, go... - I'm not that interested

in the blood itself,

I'm more drawn to the darker aspects, you know.

These people are completely out of their minds.

You have no idea.

What?

No, I just, it struck me that there was nothing

that I can do in this room that would make me

the weirdest person here.

Hold that.

Yeah, yeah!

I always wanted to do that at a party.

- Okay. - It looked better in my head.

Sarah, I really like your blue hair.

Oh.

No, please, listen.

The other night when we were standing by the subway, I...

I've never met anyone like you, ever.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.

We have to go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Stay.

Please!

I mean, we'd love to hear more about how

after you stage this dramatic little secession,

now you need our help.

You're right.

Thanks for reminding me why we left.

Buh bye.

Bye, thanks, nice party.

Carry on.

Rex Lamia!

Thanks for coming.

I'm sure you'll be in touch about the audit.

You said he was here for the audit.

He was.

Tell me that was just to help the case.

It was.

For eight years you don't date a single person, not one,

and now you're making eyes at that guy?

I wasn't making eyes at him.

Were you not there when Lily was crying her guts out?

I know.

You think that guy's gonna be able to handle this?

You think there's something special about him.

Or special about you.

That this isn't gonna go the same fucking way

it always goes...

No, I don't.

It was nothing.

You're the one who wants me to have sex.

I saw your face.

This is about more than sex.

I love you.

Don't be an idiot.

As healers

of the light, we have fellowship with one another

and the blood of Jesus, his son,

purifies us from all sin.

For the life of the flesh is in blood.

And he hath given it to you upon the altar

to make an atonement for your souls.

Shh!

For it is the blood

that maketh thy atoned for the soul.

He has delivered his son...

- And transfer to the kingdom. - Yeah!

- Of his beloved son. - Yeah!

And can we have redemption...

I think it would go faster if you... as well.

I'm sorry, I thought this would be more, I mean.

I figured nobody would see us here.

I mean, not nobody, but you know.

Yeah, that's fine.

No, I meant if we wanted to say anything related to your case.

Is that what we're doing here?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

This is... auditing 101.

So, with the donors,

is it always like a sexual thing, or...?

No, I mean, it can be,

but mostly they just wanna be donors.

And do you have a donor?

No. I'm sorry, I think maybe we should go back.

- What, why? - No, it's fine, I just...

I think maybe we should do this at your office.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Didn't you say that you wanted to hang out?

Yeah, I just, it was a stupid idea.

I think I just... I just thought that, you know,

like last night we had,

and I think I just really badly misread the situation,

so if...

- What? - No, I just, I...

I thought that maybe you liked me,

which was stupid obviously.

- I do, I do like you. - No, you don't.

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry, I don't know why I brought you,

I'm a complete spaz.

When I suggested the paddle boats

because I thought they would be romantic,

which clearly they're not.

I think if you like me it's only 'cause I'm a vampire.

I mean, I know that's the most...

interesting thing about me, but...

I'm sure it isn't

the most interesting thing about you.

Please.

Please, tell me something about you

that is not vampire-related.

I learned two very important things

from my marriage.

Tell me.

Don't get a facial tattoo when you're 16

and don't marry the guy who inks you.

I think it's great.

Yeah, well, I hate it, so.

No, really, I think it's...

I think it's very cool.

Really.

It's like,

"Hey everyone, I have blue hair and a tattoo on my face."

You're like, "Yeah, what?"

That was the idea.

I think you're really beautiful.

I haven't had sex in eight years.

Oh. I thought I was bad.

Can I kiss you now? I really can't stop thinking

about kissing you.

Wait, you're not gonna bite me, are you?

We don't bite.

It's not sanitary.

I'll try it, then.

Just out of curiosity,

how do you extract the blood then?

Lancets, razorblades,

this special needle you can only get at the vet's office.

Is this okay?

You gonna get that?

No.

Why is there a stuffed robot beside your bed?

Could you not?

What?

- Please, Mellowtron... - His name is Mellowtron?

No.

Yes, could you just...

Who are you?

What do you mean?

Who are you?

Ulysses is my favorite book.

Okay.

You want?

Fine.

I like The Bachelor, it's my favorite TV show.

I don't think I've ever said that out loud

to another human being.

What else?

What do you mean?

Dunno.

What do you want from me?

I'm a vampire. Tell me something weirder.

I thought we were gonna have sex.

We are.

Lie down.

My mom calls me all the time.

You a mama's boy?

No, God, she's just lonely, I'm all she has.

I want more.

My dad...

left when I was seven.

Legs open, please.

He gave me Mellowtron before he left.

I used to sit for hours in my bedroom

pretending I was a robot just like him.

I thought that if I could just not feel anything

or want anything or do anything

except make the next rational decision

then nothing could hurt me and no one would leave me.

I thought I would spend my whole life

trying to prove to my mom that I'm a better man than he is.

So prove it.

Is there a woman in your bedroom?

Uh, yes.

I could hear you.

I could hear you.

Just because you have no regard for the sanctity of marriage,

you may think that you can come into my place of work

and make love to Tim and steal a promotion

that I have been working years for.

But this is my home, it is sacred.

I'm going to take a shower.

I'd like her to be gone by the time I'm out.

No, no, no, no, one minute.

She's my coworker and I'm auditing you.

What, what if she'd seen you?

I could be in so much trouble.

We had sex, do you know how much trouble I could get into?

Sarah.

Sarah.

Are you aware of the state of the economy right now?

Why are you being like this?

I knew you couldn't handle it.

You're blowing this outta proportion.

You have no idea what it is like to be me.

To have people stare at me

from the second I leave my house!

Maybe they're staring at you because you are yelling

in the middle of the sidewalk.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

- Look, can we just... - No.

- I am not... - Do you even like your job?

I'm good at it.

No, I hate it, okay? Is that what you want to hear?

I loathe every second that I am there.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

We can't have you losing that job.

I'm sorry I panicked, but it's all I have.

Except you, I don't wanna lose you.

You're great. You are so beautiful.

Would you please just stop saying that?

It's like telling a man with a small penis how big it is,

it's just embarrassing for everyone.

What? No, look.

That first night, by the subway,

this is gonna sound... Oh, God, I dunno.

I had this, it was so real,

it was like I knew something about you, about us...

I only just met you.

I know, I wasn't gonna say anything

because I didn't wanna sound like

some lunatic stalker person.

You know what, I don't care.

I want to be your lunatic stalker person!

Okay, so what?

So you wanna go out with me but I have to be a secret?

You're not a secret.

Until your audit case is closed you just probably can't stay

at my place.

And after the audit's over?

I only just met you.

Fine.

What are you doing?

I just... I wanna remember this moment.

- Wait, look. - What?

I thought vampires weren't supposed to... maybe you're not.

Dickwad.

Wait, what did you call me?

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Ugh!

My parents don't talk to me anymore

so they send me shitty presents instead.

And so this is what? A perverse pile of despair?

Maybe you're lucky they don't talk to you.

I had to move continents to get away from mine.

Junior year in high school.

I'd never had a boyfriend.

No one had ever liked me liked me at all.

Wasn't pretty or funny or loud, I just was...

But there was this boy, Kyle.

He had glasses, he was nice.

A lot of the girls were in love with him, but I was his friend.

And so for two years I'd watch him date other girls

and talk to him about them.

And I waited, knowing that eventually

he'd realize I'd been there all along.

I know.

So this one day in drama class we were playing

this game that was hide and seek basically,

and I found this great hiding spot way up above the stage.

So the game went on and they found everybody except me.

And then they started celebrating because everyone,

including the teacher, including Kyle,

had forgotten that I was in the class.

So on my 16th birthday I got my driver's license,

the next day, I got a tattoo on my face.

I told Stacz.

I told Stacz to make me look fierce.

And I didn't know who Mike Tyson was,

so that's been a thing every day since.

I figured no one would ever like me.

But at least they wouldn't forget me.

So, uhm...

I know you probably don't wanna hear this right now, but...

I have a husband.

Yeah, what the hell do I care?

Right.

- Bye. - Bye.

Did you drink her blood?

I got my temp fang from Stella yesterday.

They're cool!

They better be. Cost a fucking fortune.

Are you guys team Jacob or team Robert Pattinson?

That is a silly book and a silly movie.

Many real vampires hide their vampire activities

from people at their jobs and even their spouses.

We are called the House of Twilight

because we are working towards living in a state of twilight

where we can be transparent about our darker natures.

What is your job?

I'm a kindergarten teacher.

Of course you are.

What are those?

You are not.

I am.

These are just to try, but I'm gonna go permanent.

I got some temporary fangs for you, too.

You what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Sarah.

I'm fine.

How long has it been?

Two weeks.

Sarah!

Two weeks since what?

Since she fed.

Wait, so, you haven't now.

Is this the hunger?

If you wanna go, go.

No, I'm sure you can find someone who doesn't drink blood

to make you feel exciting.

Can I feed on you tonight?

What?

All of a sudden my blood's not too slutty for you?

Whatever you need, babe.

I want you to watch.

Fine.

Fine what?

Fine, I will be there tonight.

You're not supposed to be in here.

You look absolutely beautiful.

Shh! God! Shh!

What's her name?

What?

I haven't seen you at home much since the great incident.

You're having nightmares at work.

I'm assuming there's a woman.

Hey, is there someone special?

No.

Is she coming to the picnic?

We'd be happy to give her a ride, too.

No, I'm not seeing anyone.

There's no one.

You know, I'd love a ride, Tim.

James and I actually live together,

so it'd just be the one stop.

Oh. I'm not sure we'll have enough room,

but we'll see you there, though.

Hey, how's that audit coming on the vampire group?

Oh, no, I mean, it's almost done,

- I'm just wrapping it up. - Great.

How 'bout the end of day on Tuesday then?

EOD, buddy, EOD.

Great.

I want you to know

I'm in the middle of a theological crisis.

Okay.

On the one hand, I want that job.

On the other hand,

these vampires are doing the work of the devil

here on Earth,

so I think you catching them is maybe more important.

Do you wanna do it?

You kneel now in a sacred place

before all those who've gone before you on this path.

Freely and willingly I give you this.

My blood.

That's enough.

Are you sure you have to go home?

Early morning tomorrow.

Sarah, when you told me at the audit

about your place of worship, that's...

You don't have, the apartment is it, right?

Yeah.

So the three of you have essentially

not been paying income tax

on up to half of your income

by donating your rent money to the church

which you're also not paying income tax on it?

Yeah, but, Chrissy looked all this up.

I mean, it is our place of worship.

Chrissy looked it up.

Yeah.

Good.

Are you gonna get fake fangs then?

I should go.

Do you wanna hang out next weekend?

Yeah.

Oh wait,

I have this big company picnic for work.

My boss is giving me a ride.

Are significant others coming to this picnic?

Yeah.

Probably.

Dinner?

How about dinner tomorrow night?

Yeah, great.

James.

If you can't handle all this...

See you tomorrow night.

Hey, Faith.

Yeah?

If the members of the vampire church

are all living in their church and they're donating

part of their income to help cover the rent,

is that legal?

No way.

It is their church, their place of worship.

Not if they're living there.

You got 'em?

Way to go!

Put the nail in that coffin.

You've been a hard man to get ahold of.

I know, I'm sorry, it's been busy.

Tim sent me a nice email last week.

He says you're one of his stars.

Yeah, actually,

I think I might be in line for a promotion.

You'll be promoted after such a short time.

That will look remarkable on your CV.

The kind of job that requires integrity.

It's a sort of job your father never could've gotten...

I know, thanks, Mom.

I am just proud to have raised a man with integrity.

Actually, I am going on a date tonight.

A date?

Yeah, we've been seeing each other for a little while.

She's...

Actually I have a... wait.

Well, I should let you go now.

Did you see the picture?

Yes.

I really like her.

Good.

You do what you like.

Mom, can we talk at another time?

I mean, look at her face!

James.

That is not how I raised you and don't look like that.

Yeah.

Well, I should let you go.

I love you, Mom.

I love you too.

I know you'll do the right thing.

So, you wanna go ahead and order or you still waiting?

- I'll just pay for the wine. - Okay.

Sarah?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Faith, I'm... just gonna step outside for a sec.

- Faith. - Yeah?

Have you seen the case file that was on my desk?

The vampire one? Yeah.

Tim came by and picked it up.

Tim might just marry you after this one.

I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

No, Mom, I can't talk right now. I really have to.

No, no, no, I've got a date, actually.

Yeah.

No, it's...

What are you doing here?

Heard from the asshole lately?

Not a church is the ruling.

Misappropriation of funds, back taxes and fines,

and further investigation.

Fucking asshole!

We have to get this thrown out.

Thank you, Sherlock.

I don't think auditors are supposed

to be sleeping with their clients.

That's gotta be it.

Okay, so we're just gonna go, find his boss,

tell him what happened, that's it.

Sarah, I don't think you're grasping

what an opportunity this is.

This could be our moment, our standing rock,

our occupy Wall Street.

Chrissy.

People don't wanna listen to us, we'll make them listen.

We could get a buncha vampires together, all in vampire drag,

we invite the media,

we bring signs, we make speeches,

we force those IRS squares and the world to reckon with us.

Real vampires disrupt IRS picnic in an act of civil disobedience.

Absolutely not.

Just us, no press, no moment.

Okay?

Vampire drag is good, though.

Let's give James something to remember.

Hey, Jimbo.

- What's up, Pam? - Hey, good, you?

It's gonna be a great day!

Nice ride, Tim.

No good, Tim.

Oh shit.

That look.

Your parents and I had the craziest nights in Oxford.

One night we were at this bar and it was packed, man.

I mean, you could hardly move.

And we were wasted.

Don't tell your mom I told you that.

Hi, Tim, Pam, James.

How was the ride? Was it good?

Turns out the Q isn't running,

so I had to take a bus

to another bus to the seven train.

But anyway, I made it.

Oh, and Tim, I invited my whole prayer group,

- so I hope that's okay. - Hi.

They love potato salad.

We really do.

Hey!

You guys must be confused.

Halloween is in October.

Hey!

My name is Sarah Woods.

I belong to the House of Twilight.

We are a collective of independent vampires.

I drink human blood because I feel weak without it.

- Ugh! - That's disgusting!

Hey, don't talk to her like that.

We've been under investigation by the IRS

and we have just received a ruling

that we are not a legitimate church.

We reject this ruling because we believe

that it is based on prejudice.

But beyond that, we request that the ruling

be thrown out because...

Go on. Do it.

Tell him.

Tell me what?

I knew it, I knew it!

Don't do it, James,

you've wandered but you're not lost.

I can save you, we can save you.

No, Faith.

This way you get the promotion, you deserve it.

This is about something much bigger

than a promotion now!

This is about...

- Jesus! - Jesus! Ha!

Is there some convention I didn't hear about?

Honey! Shh!

- Revolt! - Oh, my God.

Get your phone out.

Sorry, baby, this is bigger than you.

Aw! That's my cooler!

Up until this moment you've all lived safe, little lives.

When I say I'm a vampire, you think I'm crazy.

We have tried rational means to explain it to you.

We have made videos available on YouTube.

But today you'll wonder if maybe, just maybe,

there are things in this world that cannot be explained at all!

Ups. Sorry.

God.

You cannot glamor us, you spawn of Satan!

By the glory of God!

- For Jesus! - For Jesus!

Rex Lamia!

Stay back.

Call the cops!

Be with me now!

- Can someone record this? - Sarah.

I'm so sorry, I've made a massive mistake.

You turned us in.

No, I didn't.

I hadn't... no, no, my boss, he saw it on my desk and I had.

But no, it doesn't matter. I'm an idiot, I panicked.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you!

Faith, stop it, leave her alone!

In nomine Patris et filii

et Spiri...

Resist!

What do you have to do?

Tell me what I need to do.

Come on.

- Dark silence. - Can't we just hug it out?

Tim.

I was dating this woman the entire time

I was investigating her.

You should fire me.

No, better yet, I quit.

I quit.

Sarah!

Sarah, stop!

I know it's not your fault, buddy.

We'll talk about it on Monday!

Sarah!

What the...

Sorry, sorry.

- I just... - What are you doing?

I just thought that maybe if I was a vampire, too...

I don't need you to be a vampire, James.

Then what?

Tell me.

Dude, you should hear yourself.

You think she wants to be with you?

Excuse me, pal.

Hey, this chick?

Paid to drink my blood

for eight and a half years after our divorce.

And you think she wants to be with you.

Oh, ho, ho...

Get out of here!

Would you just go?

Okay.

No problem, I'll go.

I'll go.

See ya next Sunday.

Fuck you.

Stop it, come on.

I trusted you.

Wait, Sarah!

Listen.

I understand if you want to leave,

I am a complete disaster.

And I don't know much about anything,

but I know that I want you.

That's the decision I want to make.

- I love you. - No, you don't.

You don't.

This just in.

A group has taken responsibility for the event.

They call themselves real vampires.

Sound unusual?

It is.

I have seen them.

Vampires are real.

I will be releasing an official statement on Monday,

but I believe we will be throwing out the case.

That said,

we will be pursuing charges for disturbance of peace

and destruction of personal property.

What the hell was that?

Sarah, we're all over the news!

I said no vampires.

Oh!

This is Steve.

We were just having

a very stimulating theological discussion.

This is Mellowtron.

He is my robot.

And he makes me feel less alone when I'm lonely.

Sarah?

Sarah?

Sorry you didn't get to finish your speech,

but they're gonna throw the case out.

Are you okay, Sarah?

I'm sorry, Sarah, okay?

Not everything is about you.

You know, you forced us all out because it's what you wanted

while I just wanna live my life.

What happened with James, Sarah?

Nothing happened with James, she's not angry about him.

Of course she is.

He turned us in.

And then he quit his job for her!

He's a mundane.

Who cares if he's a mundane, I love him!

Shit.

Starting around when I was five

I became obsessed with tasting it.

Like, if a friend had a cut or something,

I would just stare at the blood.

The first time I tasted blood I was 22.

I felt like how different and how outside

of everyone I always felt.

Like maybe there was a reason.

I'm a vampire.

I am a vampire.

I enjoy being a vampire on evenings and weekends.

But I'm also a life insurance salesman.

A Muslim.

- A father. - A karaoke queen.

Before this video, you looked at me and saw a Muslim,

now you look at me and see a vampire.

But the truth is much more complicated than any of that.

All I am is me.

Hey.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Okay.

Great.

I had that, that vision or whatever you said you had

by the subway, I... I had that.

But the thing is that I don't actually believe

that that sort of thing happens, you know?

Like when people say they knew,

I always so like no, you knew in retrospect,

but when I met you,

when I'm with you I think about

what our kids are gonna look like.

But that's not who I am, James.

I drink blood.

And with you, if someone put a gun to my head

and said you can have him or you can be.

I don't know which one I'd choose.

I don't want you to make that choice.

You make me want everything

I thought I was better than, you know?

You make me feel like all that garbage

might be enough.

Me too. You make me want that garbage, too.

It's fine.

Everything will be fine.

You don't know that.

I believe it will.

But I don't know.

I don't know either.

Okay.

Okay.