Original subtitles

Fuck. What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is this?

Password?

Um, right. Um, before I guess the password...

Oh.

I know Tiff.

Is this your apartment, or...?

Never lay your hands on a mistress!

Wah! Wah!

Mistress May, your guest is here.

Wait.

What did you just call her?

Welcome to my office.

You told me you were a 911 operator.

Yeah, I lied.

I, like, really don't know you anymore.

All I need is someone to just help me clean up and be my bodyguard.

You know, like the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston.

Kevin Costner gets shot at the end.

Look, we don't have much time,

so either you're in or you're out.

I don't know what you want me to do, and I have so many questions.

Okay.

Do you trust me?

Mmm...

How much?

Twenty percent of my nightly earnings.

Fifty percent.

Twenty.

Deal.

Why am I such an idiot?

Okay, put this on.

Wait, do you, like, have sex with these people?

No, I'm a dom. Not a prostitute.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I feel like there's something you're not telling me.

All right.

Um, he's ginormous.

So, if he tries to attack me,

just stab him in the leg with one of those knives.

Wait...

Are we about to be killed, Tiff?

It's Mistress May.

Mistress May, are we about to be killed?

Fuck.

This what you get for not trusting your goddamn instincts.

Here we go.

Guten Morgen, Mistress May.

Ass play.

Nice. Okay.

It's too hot.

Uh, you know, I have mom issues.

Which no one finds sexy, by the way.

Very strange.

When a woman has daddy issues, what do we do, what do we do?

We're like, "Oh... I'll bet she's wild in the bedroom."

But, like, when a guy has mommy issues,

they're like, "Oh, I bet he struggles to maintain an erection."

That's not fair.

That's not fair at all.

I lost my virginity to a girl.

I can't tell what's more unbelievable,

that I've had sex with a woman,

or that I've had sex.

Is that the joke?

Okay, well, your whole set is about how you have your period, so...

Write what you flow.

Listen, I don't know why you run bits past me.

Why don't you just go up there and do it?

I'm just... I'm just watching tonight.

You're always "just watching."

All right, you ready for your next comic? Let's hear it!

All right, all right!

You know her, I hate her.

Let's give it up for Murphy!

Keep it coming. Keep it going.

What's up, you guys?

Yeah, my name is Murphy, but you can call me Joan...

because I bleed Rivers.

It's a fucking joke.

So, if you've ever bothered to open your syllabus

or listen to a single word I've said,

you would know that coming up, we have...

Late as ever, Miss Chester.

- Sorry. - If you weren't so smart, I'd fail you.

Where was I? Oh, right.

Look who's sitting by me today.

I'm a lesbian.

My sister's a lesbian.

She looks like me, so she's definitely your type.

I'm not actually a lesbian,

but I'd like to pay attention to the lecture, please.

I'm an only child.

And you can borrow my notes.

That's right.

Your presentation...

is the psychology

of why you are becoming a psychiatrist.

So that means there are no wrong answers.

Just answers I don't like.

We're going over Delaware.

We're doing a full flight over the country...

- Flying here, you know what I'm saying? - Ooh, yeah.

We haven't quite made it.

We haven't made it to LA.

We only made it to the Rocky Mountains.

- I'm going into your Rocky Mountain! - Frank?

Can you guys hold up a second?

- Come into my Rocky Mountain! - My stewardess Wonder Woman...

- Mayday! Mayday! - Just flying through.

Roomie!

Hey, Portia. How's your mom doing?

- She's alive. - Where you been all night, bro, huh?

Fucking dudes?

Oh, hey. I asked Portia if she'd put her finger up my butt, but no go.

Thought of you.

- Thank you. - I just got my nails done.

This was before you got the rhinestones.

Frank... you eat street meat.

- Do you think I'm gonna stick my nail... - Good luck landing the plane.

Oh, uh, roomie! Rent is due.

And I mean it this time.

Of course.

Okay, but just promise me though,

when-when-when your fingernail falls off,

that we can revisit this issue with open minds

and supportive hearts.

Oh, but Frank, can't we just...

use a cucumber or-or a broomstick?

Well...

It's about skin to skin. Like a baby.

It's about connection.

I don't want any connection with your bum hole, Frank.

You can just pay for somebody to do it, for all I care.

It's time.

Good... good evening, Mistress May.

Did I give you permission to speak?

We have Fred in the trunk.

He's into...

Torture, wax play, piss play, humiliation...

Wait, did you just say "piss play"?

Okay, I know a lot of this is probably outside your comfort zone,

but maybe it needs to get in your zone, because this is your job now.

Eh, Petey?

Carter.

You get Mistress May.

I want a fake name, too.

As long as you do what I say, I'll call you whatever the fuck you want.

Carter.

Let's do this shit.

Permission to speak.

Wh... Where am I?

You're very, very far away from anybody.

- Oh, yeah. - In the middle of the country.

Oh, yeah. The country.

Fuck you, motherfucker! This is New York!

Oh!

- Wilma. - Say it, Fred.

Oh! Ah!

Who else lives in Bedrock, Fred?

Pebbles.

Do not be such a baby puss, Fred!

Um, is he saying Flintstones characters?

Barney Rubble's his safe word,

so we go through all the characters until he can't stand it anymore.

Gross. That's a kid's show.

Go change, Carter.

"Go change, Carter."

Oh.

Fred?

Have you been a bad boy lately?

Betty... Rubble.

How bad?

Bad.

ISIS bad.

I deserve to be punished.

I decide what you deserve, you pathetic tiny-dicked piece of shit!

Make fun...

of my tiny...

penis.

Please?

- Mistress May, is Carter laughing at me? - No.

I think I like it.

Can Carter make fun of my tiny dick, Mistress May?

Carter,

how small is this pathetic excuse for a dick?

- Carter pleads the fifth. - Carter, please...

- Answer the question. - No means no.

Fred...

Mmm, Carter needs his money so bad.

Oh, Carter! Poor... poor Carter!

Mommy and Daddy stopped paying the bills.

He's just a sad, little wannabe stand-up comedian

who can't even pay his rent.

So Carter is gonna speak on this dick like he's giving a fucking Ted Talk,

or he'll take his ass back home to Georgia where it belongs.

Don't talk to me like we're still in high school.

Do what I fucking tell you to do.

Barney Rubble.

- Fred said "Barney Rubble." - Oh, so now you care about Fred's...

Barney Rubble?

Oh, my God.

Fred.

I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

Are you guys a couple?

No, he's gay.

That is my information to share.

So...

You've seen a lot of penises?

Well, I wouldn't say a lot.

Is mine...

the smallest...

you've ever seen?

The smallest penis I've ever seen.

Bamm-Bamm.

I mean...

I've seen more meat in a vegan kitchen.

Is that a Pulitzer? Because it's A Raisin in the Sun.

Oh, Dino, Carter...

A little bit of Proactiv oughta clear that the fuck up.

The Lollipop Guild wants to make it an honorary member.

My anorexic friend wants the number of your dietitian.

I've seen bigger dicks in a dyke bar without my contacts in!

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, my God. You killed it in there!

You know, I can drive the car and help out, but...

I'm not cut out for what just happened in there.

Yeah.

You're right.

I am?

Yeah, that...

That was Carter in there.

So...

If you see him again, just, uh...

let him know there's a lot more where this came from.

Hey, where you going?

Grad school waits for no dominatrix.

Maybe next time, you can pee on me.