All language subtitles for The.4.30.Movie.2024.1080p.BRRip.AAC.x264

*** Subtitles by dylux ***

♪ Astro Blaster! ♪

♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪

(Radio DJ) McCreary
with the song of the summer,

"Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen."

Still playing
at a theater near you.

Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man.

That creepy old preacher guy
looks like my stepmom.

Sunday morning,
Whispering Woody on Z-100.

Here all day.
Can't do Hands Across America,

but that does not mean

that I can't hand you
two tickets

to see Major Murder defend

his intercontinental
championship title.

Worldwide wrestling coming
to the Brendan Byrne Arena

- in New Jersey.
- (Bell dings)

The 100th caller wins.

♪ Rocking at the speed of light ♪

♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪

("I Can't Wait"
by Nu Shooz playing)

(Line ringing)

(Phone rings)

China Taste.

Yes. Can I get, uh,

some General Tso's chicken, please?

Sorry, no Tso's.

No Tso's?
Did the chickens escape?

No, we're still doing breakfast
for the next hour.

- Breakfast?
- (Chair creaks)

Then can I get two scrambled eggs?

- Toast or fruit?
- Ew.

Toast. Burn that fruit before
somebody eats it on accident.

Absolutely no fruit.
Anything else?

Can I get an orange juice?

Never fruit,
but somehow OJ's okay.

Uh, and a pork roll,

- egg and cheese.
- (Clanks)

Bagel with cream cheese
and any other cheese

- you sees, please.
- (Scoffs)

He's a poet
and he didn't even know it.

Anything else?

Yes.

Six and a half almond cookies

and your hand in marriage.

Who is this?

Well, it's not Brian David.
That guy's a pud.

He... he sure is.

I haven't heard from you
in a long time, Brian David.

- What are you doing?
- Calling Melody Barnegat

and I'm making
a Morton's jelly donut.

Toaster oven or microwave?

I don't have a toaster oven
or a microwave, Richie Rich.

Jesus. Do you guys have
a robot maid

in your mansion, Miss Millionaire?

Shut up. Did you really call
to order all this food?

No.

I was calling to talk to you.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Uh...

Was wondering...

Do you wanna go to the movies
with me today?

You can--
You can totally say no.

Okay.

Uh, s-seriously?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hold on one second.

(Breathes deeply)

Cool.

Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.

Uh, because Tobe Hooper
didn't direct?

- Who?
- The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He made the first Poltergeist even
though most people think it was Spielberg.

You sure know a lot about movies.

But I can't see
Poltergeist 2 with you

because I'm supposed
to go with my mom.

Your mom? Why?

Oh, first one's like
her favorite movie ever.

She says it's because
she likes ghost stories,

but I know she's lying.

Why would your mom lie
about Poltergeist?

My aunt was drunk one night

and she said that when my mom
was in eighth grade,

she went to the school dance
with the guy

who plays the dad in Poltergeist.

So that's why she likes
the movie so much.

Oh, my gosh. She probably gave
Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

I'd be so mad
you said that right now

if I wasn't so impressed
you remember the guy's name.

You sure know a lot about movies.

I know there's a movie
you and me gotta go see

that your mom will love.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Remember when we were
in the pool last summer?

Do you wanna touch 'em?

Uh, you mean...

(Quietly) when I almost
let you get to second?

Well, yeah,

but this was right before that.

- (Melody) Marco.
- (Brian) Polo.

- (Melody laughing) Marco.
- (Brian laughing) Polo.

- (Melody) Marco.
- (Both laugh)

Why do you wear
your shirt in the pool?

Because my tits
are bigger than yours?

You should take your shirt off
in the pool, just one time.

You should take
your shirt off everywhere,

- all the time.
- (Scoffs)

You're so funny.

All short people are funny.

(Radio playing)

It's too loud. I'm reading.

Mom, tell Brian David
he's not short.

How about I tell him to get off
my daughter instead?

He's not on me.
I'm on him.

Get off that boy or the only thing
you'll be on is punishment.

Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat?

Bucklick.

Holy shit! Your mom
just called me a butt-lick!

She said "Bucklick",
with a K.

- (Brian laughs)
- It's-- it's a book series my mom loves

about a wisecracking detective
whose name is U.B. Bucklick.

You be a butt-lick.

- You be a butt-lick.
- You be a butt-lick.

(Laughing)
You be a butt-lick.

Do you wanna touch 'em?

(Cat yowls irritably)

I totally shoulda touched 'em.

You totally shoulda.

It's, like, the biggest mistake
I ever made. Shh.

So why didn't you?

Well, I wanted you to think
I was a nice guy.

I did think
you were a nice guy

until you stopped calling me.

Well, I'm calling you now
because there's a Bucklick movie,

and we totally gotta go
see it together.

No way.
They made a Bucklick movie?

Ch'yeah, uh,

they-they showed a preview for it

when I saw Top Gun.

It looks really funny,
and it's playing in Atlantic.

Wait, then we gotta go.

(Speaking Chinese)

(Replies in Chinese)

(Quietly) Just got yelled at
so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick?

There's a 2:15 show.

I can't do 2:15.
I get off at 2:00

and then I need to go home
and shower before I go out

because I smell like an egg roll.

Uh, we could go
to the next show at 4:30.

We could, couldn't we?

We should, shouldn't we?

"Could", to "should".

Wow. You move fast.

Except in the pool.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- (Chuckles)

- So, you wanna go?
- (Oven door clanks)

Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.

Sweet. Then I'll see you

at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat.

I'll see you
at the 4:30 movie, Brian David.

B-Bye.

(Exhales deeply)

There is a God.

Off to get the new Starlog.

It's kind of brisk out.

A very unassuming day.

Nothing fantastic happening.

(Brian) Morning, Cookie.

(Cookie) Mr. B.D.

Uh, you on the schedule today?

Nope. I'm gonna go
sit on the dock

and read the new Starlog,

then I'm going to the movies.

Man, you and your movies.

Shit's not real, you know.

Like that movie E.T.?

That never happened.

That movie Conan?

Never happened.

That movie Gandhi?

Shit never happened.

I'm pretty sure
Gandhi happened.

Well, that shit happened
for three hours,

so I stopped watching it.

You heard that new
Run-D.M.C. album?

- Fresh.
- Super fresh, right?

Chilly most.

Gandhi definitely happened.

It didn't happen!

No, it definitely happened.

Star Wars did!

May 25th, 1986.

(Seagull squawks)

Today is a big day.

I finally called Melody Barnegat

and invited her out to the movies.

Why, you ask? (Sighs)

One word.

Love.

I got a 24-karat case of love.

Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast!

It's not for breakfast.

It's for you guys
to bring to the movies.

- (Pan clinks)
- This is movie bacon?

It's cheaper than
that rip-off candy counter,

and bacon's better for you
than all that popcorn.

- (Brian) Hmm.
- You're growing boys.

You need bacon
to build big, strong hearts.

♪ Coo roo coo coo,
coo loo coo coo! ♪

"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie
and this is my brother Doug."

- "How's it going, eh?"
- (Hums reply)

- Is that my movie bacon?
- Ah! Don't touch it yet.

I gotta put the mayonnaise
on it first.

Are we really gonna be

sneaking around
the movies all day?

I heard that Danny Banks
got caught doing that last week

and they banned him for life.

Danny Banks
isn't as slick as us.

But Bucklick is rated R.

We do not look old enough
to get into a rated R movie.

We gotta...

because I called
Melody Barnegat this morning

and told her we were going.

You talked to Melody Barnegat
this morning?

Well, was that before
or after the donut?

Before. I asked her out.

She's coming
to the 4:30 movie with us.

You asked Melody Barnegat
out on a movie date?

- Brothers?
- Brothers.

- Do you care?
- I don't care.

But guess who will?

Melody Barnegat?

Merry Melody Barnegat?

Yes, Melody Barnegat.

Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny!

She's a cheerleader.

She's younger than us.

By one grade, and she would've
been in our class,

but she missed the cutoff date
by a month

because her birthday
is in November.

Dude, you know
when her birthday is?

Well, holy shit, Billy Idol.
When is the white wedding?

What do you got against
Melanie Barnegat, okay?

She's super sweet.

She's super short.

She's not much shorter than me.

She's shorter than the Mets chance

of making it to the playoffs this year.

- Oh, my God.
- (Belly) I don't know, Burn.

Mets beat the Padres
5-4 last night.

Yeah, and the Padres beat
the Mets 7-4 on Friday.

What's your point, Bell?

Yeah, but the way they're playing,

they're saying the Mets
could go all the way.

The Mets have as good of a chance

of making it to the World Series

as Bri does of making it
with Midgety Barnegat.

Melody Barnegat's not a midget.

She's fresh,
and I'm gonna ask her out.

- You already did.
- To the movies, but,

after we see Bucklick, I'm gonna...

ask her out, ask her out.

Like, to go steady. (Sighs)

What?

Wha-- (Stammers)

Why?

Why? Because we made out
in her pool last summer.

Yeah, one time!
With your shirt on!

And all you almost got
was a little bit of titty.

And very little, might I add,
because she is...

fairly flat-chested.

Ch'yeah.
She's not flat-chested.

(Burny) Oh, so you're
the expert now?

Look, Bri, baby,

I've gone with way more girls
in the pool than you have,

all right? With my shirt off.

I've been thinking about
asking Melody out all year.

She's really smart.
She thinks I'm funny.

Oh, she can't be too smart
if she thinks you're funny.

Like washing your truck three times
a day is some sign of intelligence.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring
the Truckster into this, okay?

You can actually get inside
of the Truckster,

which is way more
than you'll ever be able to do

with Melody Barnegat.

Bri, she's beneath you.

I'm trying to get her
on top of me.

For what?

For sex, Burny!

But-but you're--
you're the guy, Bri.

You get on top of her, right?

- I gotta teach him everything.
- But I'm always laying down when I jerk off,

- so I don't think I can bust a nut any other way.
- Ew!

Hey! Hey! Come on!

You think I wanna hear about
your nasty jerk-off techniques?

No, I don't!

- The match...
- Major Murder promo!

You gotta learn
how to be a man, Bri.

Be a man like Major Murder.

(Theme song playing on TV)

- Like Major Murder.
- Yeah, like Major Murder.

Major Murder is not a man.

He's a fictional character.

He's got character.

Especially when he's
in the ring kicking ass.

(Indistinct TV chatter)

Call the police, because
there's gonna be a murder

in New Jersey, wrestling fans.

Coming to the Brendan Byrne
Arena in East Rutherford,

the Master of Disaster himself,

the Savage Soldier,

it's Major Murder!

- Is this thing on?
- Yes.

'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians out there.

- (Burny grunting)
- Aw, hell, Mad Brad.

You hearing me, Believer?

Major Murder's got his orders
to kick your ass.

So I'm gonna storm those cheeks

like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah!

(Brad) Now, Major,
it sounds to me

like you intend on holding on

to your intercontinental
championship title. Is that right?

If you gotta ask,

then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!

- (Bike revs)
- At ease, ya sleaze.

Major Murder says

dis... missed!

Well, there you have it.

Let's all be thankful
that the Major fights

for the side
of these United States

and not those Soviets.

Major Murder is bad to the bone!

The guy literally rides
a camouflage motorcycle,

for God's sakes.

He would never be dating
little Melody Barnegat.

You can bet your ass on that.

Because she's a teenager
and he's, like, 100 years old.

You would never say that
to his face,

'cause he'd put
the Grip of Death on you. Huh.

(As Mad Brad) Even though
he was 17 years old...

Burny O'Donnell still believed
wrestling was real!

- (All chuckle)
- Yeah.

- Is wrestling not real?
- Hey!

(Burny) Can you rip the grip?

- Say wrestling's real!
- Get off me!

Say wrestling's real!

- (Thuds)
- Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'?

- (Thuds)
- (Grunting)

("I Feel For You"
by Chaka Khan playing)

(Song continues)

- (Burny) I ain't doin' it.
- (Belly) Why not?

(Burny) 'Cause the idea of everybody
touching everybody's disgusting.

- (Brian scoffs)
- (Mumbles indistinct)

Burny mistakenly believed

"Everybody Touching
Everybody's Disgusting"

was the original name
for Hands Across America.

- (Belly) Brothers?
- (Brian) No, Bells. I'm just mocking Burny

for being against
Hands Across America.

- Ah, hands across my dick.
- (Laughs)

Can't believe they're not
playing Poltergeist 2 here.

Well, there's no way that shit's
gonna be as good as Poltergeist 1.

It's not "Poltergeist 1."
It's still just Poltergeist.

When they make a sequel, they don't
suddenly stick a number on the first flick.

Sometimes I wanna stick
a power cable in your big mouth,

like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2.

I like how they killed Jaws
better in Jaws 1.

Belly, it's just Jaws.

Unless we're talking Godfather 2,

Escape From the Planet
of the Apes, or Empire,

no sequel's ever as good
as the original.

All right, well, as long
as that creepy little chick's

coming back from Poltergeist 1,
I'll be there.

(Imitating character)
"Cross over, children!

All are welcome."

Melody Barnegat's mom--

Ooh! I'm so sorry.
Um, Melody Barnegat's mom

went to a dance with the dad
from Poltergeist

- when she was in eighth grade.
- Oh, yeah.

- I bet she jerked him off!
- That's what I said.

Oh, then why did you ask her
to come to the movies today?

Melody's mom's not coming
to the movies with us.

Not her mom. Melody.
Why is she coming with us?

Because I like Melody Barnegat.

Ah, you don't know shit
about women, Bri.

- Oh, my God.
- I do, right?

And I know she's not
the woman for you

because she's not a woman at all.

She's a little girl.

Melody Barnegat
is not a little girl, Burny.

- She's like a lady.
- Ah, yeah.

Like the creepy lady
from Poltergeist 1.

It's just Poltergeist!

Who wants some more of Mom's bacon?

Put that away till we get inside,
bacon bits.

Oh, shit.
Here comes the car.

("I Feel For You" continues)

(Car honks)

That car blows.

No way!
It's like a Batmobile.

Who cares? Batman's
a stupid old TV show.

I read in Starlog, they said
they're gonna make a new Batman movie.

(Scoffs) It'll flop.

Nobody's ever gonna pay
to see a Batman movie.

What a disgusting town.

(Scoffs)

("I Feel For You" continues)

Get someone out here and make sure

none of these disgusting poors
touches my Moviemobile.

Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh.

Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas,

where the movies come to play.

When we get inside, remember,

we're getting tickets
for Astro Blaster

because Bucklick
and Dental School

are both rated R.

I can drive a car at 17
and join the army,

but I gotta wait till I'm 18
to see rated R movies.

Might as well live in Russia.

(As Yakov Smirnoff)
In Soviet Union,

you don't see R-rated movie.

R-rated movie sees you.

"Ah, what a country!"

(Giggles)

I need new friends.

Hi.

Astro Blaster and the Beavermen?

(Dispenser clanks, whirs)

Can I get, uh, one ticket

to Astro Blaster and the Beavermen?

(Coins clink)

- (Sighs)
- (Dispenser clanks, whirs)

- Hey, girl!
- (Coin clinks)

Can I get, uh,
one ticket to, uh,

- "Ass-blaster"?
- (Velcro ripping)

'Cause, uh, you know,
that's what the ladies call me.

(Seductively) Ass-Blaster.

(Dispenser clanks, whirs)

(Both hiss in pity)

She was playing hard to get.

Okay. Um, we'll save seats.

You get in line?

- That look like it hurt.
- She gave me a look.

You can't give them cut-sies
when they get back.

What do you care?
We're behind you.

Well, I'll tell my dad.

(Mocking) Oh, you'll tell
your dad. So what?

I don't care what you
tell your dad, little kid.

- Dad.
- Hmm?

He showed me his privates.

- He did what?
- I-I--

Have fun. Don't run.

Have fun. Don't run.

(Mocking) "Have fun, don't run."

Have fun.

(Serenely) And I hope you die.

Have fun. Don't run.

You had to mess with Manager Mike.

I'm not scared of that spaz.

Now if he sees us in Bucklick,

he'll remember us as the guys
from Astro Blaster

- who made fun of him.
- Oh, the "guys"?

You mean "the guy"?
'Cause you didn't say shit.

I'm trying to be incognito

so we can sneak into
the other movies all day

- after we see this one.
- Oh. Uh-huh,

and how many times
have you seen Astro Blaster?

Fourteen times.

Oh. And you wonder
why you don't get laid.

I don't get laid
'cause I'm Catholic.

I'm Catholic! That don't stop me
from getting laid.

I even did it in the church
basement one time.

(Brian) Is the church basement
what you call your sphincter?

(Burny) You're a sphincter.

Uh, where is Bells?

(Tapping on glass)

- Uh, what the hell?
- I got thrown out.

- For what?
- For being a little sex fiend.

Are you with that pervert?

Uh, I mean...

- We go to the same school.
- You're such a sellout.

That pervert's our boy, Belly.

Well, your boy Belly's been bounced.

You wanna join him,
be my guest.

But keep the door closed.
Don't let my AC out.

(Loudly) You touch my car,
I call the cops!

(Louder) You touch my car,

I call the cops!

You can't hear me?
I can't hear you.

I won. (Scoffs)

(Muffled) Meet me out back.

(Muffled) Meet me out back.

Jesus. Meet me out back.

(Sighs) All right.

Can you get me some Twizzlers?
I'll go get Bells.

Can I eat you
one of your Twizzlers?

(Chuckles) You can eat this Twizzler.

Ah. S'up, Stank?

- Oh, hey. S'up? How you doing?
- Good.

D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV
couple of months ago?

- Yeah.
- Oh, man.

I can't stop thinking
about that movie.

- It was crazy.
- So good, right?

I couldn't believe that Rocky lived.

- Yeah.
- E-even so, I was like,

"That movie's... (Stammers)
really hard to follow."

You know, 'cause it's like, it was
like you think he's gonna be dead

'cause he's all, like,
bloody and stuff.

Then he's just like...

Just like...

- (Imitates blow landing)
- Whoa!

And then-- But then
the other guy was like...

(Imitates blow landing)
And there's blood and all this spit.

(Imitates spit spraying)

- Yeah.
- And it all came out.

- (Chuckles)
- It-it was cool.

Remember when the blonde guy...

The Ru-- He's Russian.

I don't know where he's from,

but he-he's just like...
(Imitates punch)

I don't think it matters
where he's from.

(Chuckles) A-and then--

and-and-and he just, like,
punched him so hard.

- Remember that?
- Yeah. It was the climax.

He climaxed?

No, it was the climax of the film.

Yeah, it was so cool. (Chuckles)

But I just thought
it was kind of fake.

(Chuckles)

What, for free?

You know I don't got any bread.

Ah, but you got bacon.

Did you see my new Stryper jacket?

Oh, cool.

- Rock on.
- Yeah.

Well, not--
No, actually.

Rock on without the horns, 'cause...

- (Taps thigh)
- Hell is for pussies.

It's for--
Heaven's where it's at.

H-have you been saved?

- What?
- Have you been saved?

- By Jesus?
- (Scoffs)

No, by Tony Danza.

Yeah, by Jesus.

Um, I-I guess. I'm an altar boy
and I go to church.

Good for you. So I guess
we'll be in heaven together,

spitting down
on all those heathens.

- Yeah.
- (Both chuckle)

You're not doing
Hands Across America either?

- Nah, not this year.
- Yeah.

I asked a bunch of people,
but, um...

Yeah, I...

No one wanted to do it with me.

They already had people that they
were doing hands with, so...

I mean, I understand,
'cause it's kind of like

you have to know somebody
really well

to, like, stand next to somebody

and, like, give them a hand job.

But you know, just for bringing
people together,

it's, like, kind of a lot
to ask, I guess.

- Here we go.
- Thanks.

How many previews
do you think we get?

It's always three.

I hope we get The Fly.

I hope we get Aliens
and Labyrinth.

(Narrator) Her name
is Sister Sarah Wallace,

and she is unlike any nun
you've ever met.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- Hi!
- She's young.

- She's fun.
- (Laughs)

(Indistinct chatter)

Yes! Yes! High five!

And she's got a secret.

They stole all the food
for the orphans!

What are we gonna do?

To feed the hungry kids
at her orphanage,

this naughty nun will develop

some filthy habits.

How come the nuns were never
secret hookers when we were in school?

One time I pulled my pud
to the thought of sex with Sister Anne.

(Breathes deeply)

Was guilty as hell afterwards.

You're gonna burn, sinner.

Hey, don't tell anybody
I told you that.

Who would I tell?

You're out here swimming
around in a toilet bowl.

But you're a nun.
Not a hooker!

Well, maybe God
wants me to be both!

(Narrator) A nun by day...

Ready? Yeah! (Laughing)

(Narrator) ...and a hooker by night.

Hey, Sister!

I got something for your poor box!

Let's see what's under that wig.

- Oh, hell, no!
- (Knife clinks)

- (Screams)
- (Screams)

- (Narrator) Say a prayer for...
- (Laughing)

(People clamoring)

(Narrator speaking)

Rated R.

We're definitely seeing that.

Imagine if the nuns
were secret hookers

when we were in school.

Number one,
I already said that.

And number two,
one time Burny jerked off

thinking about sister Anne.

- (Laughs)
- Dude!

(Insects chirring)

(Man breathing gruffly)

(Woman panting)

- (Blade plunges)
- (Man roars)

"The Health Nut"? Huh.

Get outta here with this shit.

Well, they banned it in Scandinavia.

That slasher isn't fit

to wipe the blood off
the blades of Leatherface,

Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger.

You haven't even seen
the movie yet, Judge Wapner.

I don't need to see the movie,

'cause I'm the greatest
horror movie expert

you've ever met.

Stupid piece of shit.

Question for the expert.

Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

Leatherface, and Michael Myers?

My man, Jason Voorhees.

(Imitates buzzer)
The correct answer to the question

"Who wins in a fight
between Jason, Freddy,

Leatherface, and Michael Myers?" is...

the audience!

- We all win.
- (Clicks)

Idiot.

(Thuds)

Morning, gorgeous.

Morning. What'cha havin'?
The usual?

(Loud sigh)

I gotta unload before I reload.
(Chuckles)

(Sighs heavily)

- (Zipper unzips)
- (Grunts)

- (Farts)
- (Groans)

(Skittering)

(Repeated wet punches)

Oh!

(Screams) Oh, my God!

Oh!

(Screaming)

(Thumping)

(Alien speech)

(Screams)

(Roars)

So they crawl up your butt.

Oh, Mr. Wizard over here.

I can't believe
this place is so empty.

When did this come out?

Astro Blaster? Back in March.

Remember, we snuck into Highlander
after we saw Astro Blaster?

I remember Burny missing
half of Highlander

because he was feeling up
Susie Bukachyk the whole time.

Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic,

she only let me touch
her left titty.

That's why he calls her the "Kurgan."

Why?

(Dramatic voice)
"There can be only one!"

- (Laughs)
- S...

- Sorry.
- It's starting.

(Chuckles)

♪ Astro Blaster ♪

♪ And the Beavermen ♪

("Astro Blaster
and the Beavermen" playing)

♪ Astro Blaster ♪

♪ Friend to the Beavermen
and the Beaverwomen ♪

(Whispers)
It's Jessica Court.

(Burny chuckles lightly)

(Whispers) Watch this.

(Thuds)

You got Burned.

Burny!

Who the hell is this?

Oh, this is Burny.
I graduated with his brother.

Uh, Burny, this is Randi.

- Where are you from, hon?
- "Hon"?

I'm from the Bay Area.

Bay Avenue?

San Francisco.

Oh, we met at school.

Ah.

So, how's college?

Is it all orgies in the dorms?

Dorms?
We don't live in the dorms.

- My God.
- Shh.

I'm Damocles of the Beavermen,
damn it!

And that means one damn thing.

I rule the beaver.

You haven't seen this yet?

No. Did you?

Yeah. It's stupid.

Like, stupid fun?

Eh. Mm,
it's not as stupid fun

as you and me
making out to Goonies.

Oh. And it was
in the same theater.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Maybe we should take
a little walk down memory lane

in the back row, huh?

- No way.
- (Chuckles)

I'm here with Randi and Barbara.

So?

I'm here with Brian and Bells.
Who gives a shit?

- You know you wanna.
- (Taps chair)

- (Whispers indistinctly)
- (Groans, mutters)

Excuse me. I'm gonna be,
uh, just right back.

You're just flat leaving us?

Is there a Brian David here?

- I'm looking for Brian David.
- (Audience shushes)

Holy shit, I can't hear the movie!

Eat shit, asshole!

- Brian David.
- (Audience clamors)

Come see the manager
in the lobby, ASAP.

Brian David. Brian David.

Should I go?

Godspeed.

(Chair rattles)

I'm terrified
by what's about to happen.

Uh, I'm Brian David.

So I'm on the phone
with my Paramount rep.

That's Paramount Pictures,
mind you.

Godfather, Godfather Part II.

And all of a sudden,
the operator interrupts us

with an emergency breakthrough

from your mother.

Mom, uh, w-what's wrong?

You are giving this cat a bath
when you get home tonight.

You made an emergency
breakthrough to tell me that?

That's how filthy this cat is!

Cats are self-cleaning, Ma,
and they hate water.

No, that's only in cartoons,
Brian.

Okay, I'll give the cat a bath
when I get home, um, I promise.

- But I gotta go.
- Oh, okay!

Big important man
doesn't have time to talk

to his mother
who gave birth to him.

You know, I lost one
before you and one after you.

I can't really talk about
my dead ghost siblings, Ma.

The manager is waiting
for his phone back.

Well, I was waiting
for a thank-you note

from your cousin Allison,

which just came
in the mail today.

I sent a wedding present
to that dummy

after she eloped with some twerp.

Listen to this BS!

Pardon my French, Blessed Mother.

Listen to this.
"Dear Aunt Grace,

Thank you for the wedding present.

We love the bed linens
from Bradley's,

but when we opened the package,

there were two fitted sheets
and no top sheet.

It's a little hard to sleep
between two fitted sheets,

so we're gonna bring them back
and get a correct set.

Thank you so much, Allison."

(Scoffs) "It's a little hard

to sleep between two fitted sheets."

Well, then don't get married!

Ma, the manager's staring at me

because, uh,
we're tying up the phone.

Well, tell him to hold his horses.

I'm not telling him that.

You don't have to.
I can hear her.

He can hear you, Ma.

That means both of you
can hear me when I say,

"Get off the phone

or I'm ejecting you
from the theater!"

I gotta go, Ma.

Well, I love you, tiger.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

Oh, okay, Fonzie.

Too cool to say "I love you"
back to your mother?

I'm in public, Ma.

Oh, I did 18 hours of labor
in public

bringing you into this world.

Tell her you love her, Fonzie.

I love you. Goodbye, Ma.

Sorry, uh, my mom's
mad at my cousin.

I don't care about
your family ties, Alex P. Keaton.

This isn't the party line
where the action never stops

for 89 cents a minute. This...

is a business phone.

And that business
is show business,

as in lights, camera, and action.

- (Phone rings)
- Oh. See?

People trying to call.

Atlantic Cinemas,
where the movies come to play.

Manager Mike speaking.
How can I help you?

It's your mother again.

- Hello?
- You hung up.

I thought we were done.

Since when don't you wait

to hear me say
"I love you too"?

The manager was staring at me.

You could be riding
your bike home tonight

and get run over by a bus.

And as you die there
in the gutter, you'd realize

that you missed your last chance

to hear your only mother say
"I love you."

Ah-- I don't want that!

You don't want what?
Me to get hit by a bus

or me to have regrets when I die
from getting hit by a bus?

Christopher Columbus!
I don't even wanna think

about you getting hit by a bus!

Well, then why'd you say--
Can I go now?

(Sighs) How's the movie?

I don't know! Because I've been
on the phone with you the whole time.

Who's that?

- Your son.
- The short one?

- (Gasps)
- Oh, my God.

Crumbs! You think he's not
self-conscious enough already?

- I thought he was at the movies.
- He's there now.

Ask him if the movie is any good.

Your father wants to know
if your movie's good or not.

I don't know,

because I've been on the phone
with you the whole time.

Listen, I-I love you,
but I gotta go.

I love you too, tiger.

W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, what about me?

Yes, I love you too.

Ah, not that.
What does Igor say?

I'm in public, Dad.

What does Igor say?

(As Igor) Good night, Master.

(Chuckles)

(Both laugh)

I made him do the Igor.

You're not from around here, stranger.

Why, you don't
even have buck teeth.

Or a tail.

I'm from Earth.

You're from Earth?

Yes. I'm Astro Blaster.

Astro Blaster?

Yeah. I'm the drummer
in a Van Halen cover band.

(Burny panting)

Man, my mom made an emergency
breakthrough to talk about the cat.

(Scoffs) Can you believe that shit?

I said,
"can you believe that shit?"

She called to tell me
how she give the cat--

Oh, my God, you guys--

You guys were doing it right here?

I-in front of Astro Blaster?

- A-and the Beavermen? Oh!
- (Chair rattles)

In a Van Halen cover band?

Yes. It's a big deal.

It's a big deal?

Yeah, I just said that.

You just said that.

(Chair rattles)

Burny's having sex
during the movie.

The guy's got no respect for cinema.

Am I right, Bells?

- Bells?
- (Snoring)

- (Grunting)
- (Chair rattling)

(Panting)

(Gulping) Mmm.

(Slurping)

What'd I miss?

Jesus.

Here's the beef, okay?

We've nearly depleted our entire
strategic popcorn supply.

Do you know what that means?

No.

That means I have to call

every theater in a ten-mile radius

offering crazy money

to buy their crappy popcorn,

only to get laughed at
and mocked by managers

telling me I can't hack it
in the movie biz.

But just when scuzzy old
Strathmore Cinema--

the home of the cruddiest corn
in the country-- is saying yes,

and I am swallowing my pride

to close a deal,

all of a sudden...

I get an emergency breakthrough.

I'm really sorry about my mom.

It's not your mom this time.

Hey, hey.
Have fun. Don't run.

- Hello?
- Hey, Brian, it's Melody.

I'm sorry to call you like this.

- Is something wrong?
- A little. Um,

I can't go
to the 4:30 movie with you

because my mom says
I gotta stay home for supper.

But she said I can go
after I eat.

Yeah?

Okay, that's--
that's awesome, uh...

Bucklick plays again at 7:15.

I'll be there around 7:00,
as soon as I'm done with dinner.

You want me to bring you
a pork chop?

(Lisping)
"Pork chopsh and appleshaush.

Isn't that shwell?" (Chuckles)

What?

That's from The Brady Bunch.

Wow. You sure know a lot
about movies and TV shows.

Hey, I'll see you "latey,"
Peter Brady.

Bye. (Chuckles)

Sorry.

(Imitating Brian)
"Pork chops and applesauce."

God.

Worst moment of your life
was the day your mom found out

she could make
an emergency breakthrough.

That wasn't my mom.
That was Melody.

She called you at the movies?

(As Jessica Walters)
"Oh, play Misty for me."

She did tell me she can't come
to the 4:30 movie.

Oh, yeah? Good.

So she's coming to the 7:15 show.

What? Now she's coming to Dental School?

There's gonna be a ton of titties
in that movie, all right?

I'm not trying to be
looking at naked ladies

while I'm sitting next to a girl.

Well, I was gonna say we could go to
the 4:30 movie of Dental School,

and then we all see
Bucklick at 7:15.

Why are we moving
the schedule around

for Melody Barnegat?
Hmm? (Scoffs)

We're supposed to be
seeing movies today.

You see a lot of this movie
from behind Jessica Court

- or what?
- Okay. S-s-s-see,

that's different, okay?
That wasn't planned.

That's what you'll say about
the kid she's gonna have
in nine months.

Ch'yeah, right.
I wore a rubber.

Who brings rubbers to the movies?

- I do.
- Why?

Because what if
the movie sucks?

You walk out.
You don't pull out.

If I'm wearing a rubber,

why would I pull out?

There's a damn force field
around that damn fortress.

We need to bail out now.

I'm not coming, Damocles.

What in the damn hell?

Look, we only got one shot
at this, all right?

So I'm gonna stay here
and steer the ship.

Damn it, man! Why?

Back on Earth,
I'm just a drummer

in a Van Halen cover band, man.

Okay, but here in space,
I can be so much more, Damocles.

I can be the kind of guy
I always wanted to be.

I can be the kind of guy
they call a hero.

Well, since you've made
your damn mind up about it,

then I, Damocles
of the Beavermen,

do hereby swear by
the eternal Morning Wood

that you,
Astro Blaster of Earth,

are the bravest damn hero
in the damn galaxy.

Where I'm from, there's a name
for people like that.

They're called Americans.

Van Halen cover band!

I'm gonna wake up Belly.
The movie's almost over,

so he's gotta go hide in the bathroom
before the lights come up.

Get off my bacon!

- Nobody's after your bacon.
- (Brian sighs)

Go hide in the bathroom,
meet us in Dental School.

But then I'll miss the end
of the movie.

So? You already slept
through half of it anyways.

Now go.

And don't let
Manager Mike see you.

Stealth.

(Chuckles)
I love this part. Look.

A drummer always does it
for the beaver.

(Flushing)

(Door opens)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Door creaks, closes)

(Chuckling)

"Sex poo."

(Belt buckle jingling)

(Belly gasping, panting)

For the beaver!

♪ Astro Blaster! ♪

- (Yells) Van Halen!
- ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪

Van Halen! Van Halen!

Why do we always have to sit
through these stupid credits?

Remember when we saw
Young Sherlock Holmes?

And at the end of the credits
they had one more scene?

That was one
in a million movies,

and that flick flopped.

So they're never gonna be
doing an after-credits scene

in a movie ever again.

See? Waste of time.

We're going for snacks?

- What if Manager Mike sees us?
- Screw that guy.

He's probably porkin'
the popcorn.

Huh? Bopping your baloney
in a public bathroom?!

Open the door, Tommy.

Mashing your monkey?!
Noodling your nugget?!

You are banned for life, playboy.

You disgust me!

Masturbating in a public area

is only fun for one person.

Write that down, Philip.

(No audio)

(Muffled) Meet me out back.

Meet me out back...

again.

Enjoy the movie.

Dick.

(Scoffs) Hi.

Go away, little girl.
This movie's rated R.

I know. I just wanted
to ask a question.

Why are you talking to me?
No one talks to me.

Yeah, b-but,
I mean, but you--

Is it awesome to work here?

Is it awesome to work here?
No, it sucks to work here.

But you get to see all the movies.

Movies suck. This movie sucks.

Half the town
and their mother is here.

Which is fine, 'cause Americans
have no taste.

You know why?
'Cause Americans have no future.

America sucks.

Now, please, run along.
Change your diaper.

- We don't have a future? (Stammers)
- What are you doing?

- Don't-- (Stammers)
- What's going on with your hands?

- Why do you think America sucks?
- You're being really jumpy.

- Since-since when?
- Why are you coming so close to me?

Haven't you even seen The Day After?

If Russia decides
to nuke us, we're done.

Kaput. Kentucky fried chickens.
(Exhales)

And I actually welcome it.
I say bring it.

Take me now, so I never have
to see Dental School ever again.

You don't like Dental School?

I've never actually seen it.

I just hear it
all day and night.

You're pulling your pud in public?

Public masturbation is only
ever fun for one person

- at a time.
- Shut up!

I mean, if Gorby gets
a hot trigger finger,

we are Canadian bacon
over here in America.

Just crushed.

Isn't there a shield or something?

(Scoffs) A shield?

You know anything about Star Wars?

I know everything
about Star Wars.

You do? So then
you know everything

about Reagan's Strategic
Defense Initiative,

the Star Wars program?

Oh, um, what?
I thought you meant--

Oh, oh, you thought I meant
that excruciating space opera.

No, thank you. You know, I thank
our nonexistent God every day

that there will never be
another Star Wars movie made.

We're-- we're at the end
of Star Wars.

You know what I mean?
W-what would they do next?

Go back and start telling us
episode one, two, and three?

Can you imagine
if they were like,

"Let's break it up
into little TV series"?

Pfft. Yeah, right!

I mean, you gotta be
out of your mind. (Laughs)

Like, "We wanna follow
some side stories

of small characters."

Like, "Oh, I wonder
what Boba Fett's doing.

I wanna invest my time in that."

Get out of here! (Laughs)

I don't care about that stuff!
I don't even like Star Wars.

Gotta go!

What an asshole.

I need you to clean
the men's room.

Somebody took a shit in a urinal.

"Somebody" or you, Mike?

- (Panting)
- Hmm...

(Burny chuckles) Oh.

Uh, what happened?
I had him distracted.

The place was packed.
There's only one seat open.

Because of you and Melody, now we
can't even see Dental School!

You don't hear Belly belly-aching.

Because Belly's an idiot.

No more bacon for Burny.

So? Do you think I give a shit?

(Girl) Hey!

You just said "shit"
in front of my little sister.

She's only six.

(Scoffs)

Get out of my face, four eyes.

Hey! What are you--
Let go of me!

- (Girls screaming)
- Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me!

- (Girls screeching)
- (Burny yelling)

Boys, boys, boys.

In the words of the tagline

from the Commando poster,

"Somewhere, somehow,
someone's going to pay".

(Chuckles)

What's wrong with you?
Get out! Get-- get out!

(Brian grunts)

You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

(Screams) Suck my left nut!

Not today.

- (Door closes)
- (Yells furiously)

- (Growls)
- Burny, wait!

- (Growls)
- (Footsteps tap)

Stop holding hands!

Where are you going?
We gotta fix this!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Because of you two,

I just got the shit
kicked out of me

by three little girls.

Who cares?
We just got banned for life!

Yeah. Like Danny Banks.

How am I supposed to take
Melody to see Bucklick now?

Melody?
Melody, Melody, Melody!

Man, this is all her fault!

How? She's not even here!

'Cause ever since you asked her
to come to the movies with us,

we've been moving
everything around for her,

and now we're banned for life.

(Scoffs) We're banned
because you picked a fight

- with a nine-year-old!
- Bullshit!

We would be
in that theater right now

watching Bucklick,

but you had to invite Melody!

Holy shit, what?
What the hell

is your obsession
with Melody Barnegat?

You're the one obsessed
with Melody Barnegat!

We just gotta deal with it.

- Deal with what?!
- That she's a goddamn sophomore!

Who cares? Big whoop!
We're goddamn juniors!

But we're gonna be seniors
in September, Bri.

And then you'll be all like,
"Oh, Melody's a stupid junior.

- Doodly doodly doo!"
- No, no, no. Don't-- Don't "doodly doo" me, okay?

You're the one
that's trying to make out

with this little
Ewok-looking bitch!

What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing?

- We're gonna fight.
- Oh, yeah.

- We're gonna fight?
- Yeah, we're gonna fight!

I'm tired of you
making fun of Melody, okay?

So put up your dukes.

Put up my dukes. (Laughs)

If I put up one of my dukes,
I will kill you.

Come on, guys.
Friends don't fight.

Friends?!
You call this friendship?

He cares about his stupid truck

more than he cares
about my feelings!

So let's go. Let's go!

Fight me. I dare you.

I don't fight midgets.

- (Punch lands)
- (Onlookers shout)

(Breathing shakily)

You do now.

- You stupid--
- (Woman) Hey!

(Belly) Hey! Guys! Hey, hey!

Guys, stop it. Stop it!

- (Grunting)
- Stop! Stop, stop it!

Stop it!

Burny is not obsessed
with Melody Barnegat.

Thank you, Bells.

He's threatened by her.

W-What?

Why the hell would I be threatened

by that little carpenter's dream?

She's as flat as a board
and as easy to nail.

- No, she's not!
- Knock it off.

Can't you see
Brian idolizes you?

Idolize Burn Boy?
Oh, I do not.

Oh, yes, you do.

You look up to him
because he's confident,

which is something
you can never be,

because you think
you're too short.

He is too short.

He should be looking at the sky,

saying "Da plane! Da plane!"

- Do something!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Burny, you keep
running down his dream

about dating Melody Barnegat,

all threatened by the girl,

just because Brian
is in love with her.

Whoa, I never said I was
in love with Melody Barnegat.

Uh, well, you are.

You've been talking about her
since last summer

'cause she makes you
feel good about yourself.

She makes you forget
that you think you're short.

He is short.
He's a four-foot freak.

- Oh, and you're a control freak.
- Yeah!

So you're afraid Brian's
gonna start spending

all his time with Melody
instead of you.

Yeah, but you can't
admit that to yourself

because you think being a man

means being tough
like Major Murder.

What's tougher
than fighting your friend

over the woman you love?

I know you guys think
I'm dumb or something,

but I am not dumb.

Okay, I just don't talk
as much as the two of you

since you guys
never shut the hell up!

Ah.

So that gives me
a lot of time to listen,

and... in all the years
I've been listening,

here's what I've learned.

You know movies.

You know women.

Yeah, I do.

But I know you guys

better than the two of you
know yourselves.

So it's time for you to stop looking
for Burny's approval on everything.

It's time for you to start
letting Brian be his own man.

(Scoffs) By all means.

And it's time both of you
assholes apologize to me

for making fun of my mom's bacon

even though you ate
the shit out of it all day!

You're right.

Eh... (Scoffs)

Come on. Burny.

You're adults!

Stop touching each other!

(Vehicle approaching)

(Motorcycle engine stops)

Hey-- hey, excuse me?
Excuse me?

Oh, excuse me!

Holy shit, it is you!

You're-- you're Major Murder.

(In character)
At ease, ya sleaze.

I-I-- I'm your biggest fan.
I gotta be honest.

Um, I know all your fights.

That's a major thank you
from Major Murder.

But, uh, I'm here to see
someone really special.

(Bird squawking)

Ahh. Is that your daughter?

(Drops character)
My daughter? It's my wife.

(Stammers) I'm sorry, she just
looks a lot younger than you...

That's depressing.

Do I really look
that much older than her?

- Uh...
- Just-- Must be all the steroids,

'cause Rosie and I went
to high school together.

We started dating when I was
a junior and she was a sophomore.

All my pals used to razz me
about her being younger.

Ha. I-I'm sure you Major Murdered
those guys, huh?

Actually, I just cried a lot.

I may not look like it now,
but back in high school,

I was a very sensitive fat kid.

- Bullshit.
- No, no, real shit.

You know, my name's Albert,

so I'd get called Fat Albert

because of the cartoon? (Laughs)

Ah, Bill Cosby.

Now that's an American treasure.

(Chuckles) Ah,

that man will always be beloved.

So you know,
back in high school,

I was always very sensitive
about my weight.

But Rosie...

she always made me forget
I was fat.

She always made me
feel like I was thin.

So you made her
Mrs. Major Murder?

Well, actually,
Mrs. Albert Holstein.

Major Murder's real name
is Albert Holstein?

Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein
is a kind of cow?

So, uh, you know,

in high school, there was
a lot of, uh, cow names.

- Cow names?
- Yeah, like,

the Moo Man, you know,
Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy.

You know, I'd get Hugh Heifer.

I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass.

I-I'd get Milky Tits.

Cow Pie.

Yeah, just a lot
of cow-themed cruelty.

(Burny smacks lips) Ah.

- Hey. Thanks for being a fan.
- (Shakes hand)

And, uh, please don't tell
anybody how I really talk.

Uh, or about the cow names.

Yo, Major.

You gonna go storm those cheeks
like it's Omaha Beach?

(In character)
If you have to ask,

then you ain't up
to the task, soldier!

(Chuckles)

(Sighs deeply)

(Lighter flicks)

(Exhales)

What are you doing back here?

Your ass is banned.

Which means my life
is pretty much over.

So I'm just thinking about
hurling myself down the stairs.

Who are you, Father Karras?

Is that an Exorcist joke?

Well, it's not an Exorcist II:
The Heretic joke.

I respect John Boorman too much.

You know who John Boorman is?

Anáil nathrach orth bhais betha,
do cheol déanta.

Holy shit.

The Charm of Making.

You've seen Excalibur?

You think I make $3.05 an hour

because I can't get a real job?

Movies are my life, dude.

That's why you work here.

No. That's why I'm leaving here.

I'm moving to Providence
next week.

What's in Providence?

I'm gonna the Rhode Island
School of Design,

like Martha Coolidge.

Martha Coolidge, the director?

Yeah. You know
who Martha Coolidge is?

Yeah. Movies are my life too.

Valley Girl is in my top ten.

That guy, Nic Cage,
is a genius.

- Yeah.
- Have you seen Birdy?

Oh, yeah, I've seen
every Alan Parker film.

You know who Alan Parker is?

Duh. Fame and The Wall
are so rad.

But Martha Coolidge, man,
she's my idol.

I wanna be a director
like her.

This is--
This is so cool, uh,

I've never met anyone who wanted
to be a director before.

Sure you have.

Just look in the mirror.

Me?

A-a director? Nah.

I just-- I just love
going to the movies.

Yeah, man, that's how it starts.

Most people come to movies
to escape their lives,

but people like us,

we come here because
movies make life make sense.

Out here, man,
world's full of lies.

But in there, they tell
the lie that tells the truth.

And the truth about you and me
is we're filmmakers.

We just haven't made our films.

(Exhales)

Yet.

(Door locks)

"Yet."

Whoa.

(Saxophone solo plays)

That girl's real, right?

Thanks.

Hi, Melody Barnegat.

Hi, Brian David.

You look...

resplendent.

"Resplendent"?
Okay, Doctor Dictionary.

- Let's go see Bucklick.
- Uh...

I-I don't think we can get in.

Because it's rated R?

Well, more because I got banned.

Oh, my God.
Like Danny Banks?

Kinda.

So, how are we
gonna see Bucklick?

I have an idea.

(Door closes)

Huh. Strathmore Cinema City.

Give me a second.

Okay.

Excuse me, Manager Mike.

Oh, oh.

Little kid I just banned. Hi.

I wanted to ask you about that.

Mm-hmm?

I know me and my friends
were obnoxious today.

But I stand here before you
as a man...

Wow.

...to beg you to lift the ban.

And why would I do that?

You see that girl?

- Yeah.
- That's Melody Barnegat.

The raddest woman I ever met.

And last summer,
I was too scared to ask her out.

But this morning,
I invited her to the movies

at your theater, and...
and she said "yes."

Congratulations.

This could be
the greatest night of my life.

Please lift the ban
this one time

so we can go to the movies.
I mean,

it'd mean everything to me,
and-and I'll do anything.

I'll-I'll even work here
for free or-or something.

Please, sir.

What do you say?

Tsk. What do I say?

Well, when you put it like that...

I say, Munchkins
from the merry old land of Oz

belong on the movie screen,

not in my movie theater.

(Laughs)

Hey. Hey, listen up, loser.

You know, you got a lot of balls
calling this guy Munchkin

when you're short as shit yourself.

(Onlookers gasp, laugh)

Wow. Tsk. Wow.

You remind me of my daughter.

I hate my daughter.

And you got a lot of nerve

talking to me like that, Minnie Mouse.

I'm in the movie business.
I talk to studios.

So, you're just a little kid

who looks like a daughter
that I can't stand.

So what do you know?

I know you don't know shit
about the movie business.

Because if you did,
you wouldn't act like such a poser

and drive around
in your stupid-looking Moviemobile.

- Okay?
- He's not a Munchkin.

He's a nice guy.

Something you don't understand at all
because you are an asshole.

(Laughter, applause)

Well, let me tell you something,
little girl.

Now you're banned, for life too!

You and Bilbo Baggins here

are never getting inside
my movie theater ever again.

- (Patrons jeering)
- Clap to that! Clap to that.

(Outside horn honking)

(Horn honking louder)

(Yells)

Ahh! Oh, my God!

- (Steam hissing)
- Oh, my...!

Ahh! (Yells) My Moviemobile!

No!

(Yells louder) No!

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- (Mike yelling)
- Get inside.

But Burny just crashed his Truckster
into the Moviemobile!

As a distraction
so you guys can get inside.

So get inside.

Oh, this stupid car hit my truck!

I only had eight more payments on it!

Only eight!

Oh, my God!

Hey, Pat Benatar. This is
a rated R movie. Can't come in here.

Some guy just crashed
into the Moviemobile.

No way, really?!
Ha ha! There is a God!

(Both giggling)

Come here, yeah. (Muttering)

Here! Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Holy shit.

That was the most amazing
thing I ever saw.

You totally tore
that asshole a new asshole.

He deserves it.
I hate bullies.

You're amazing.
Melody Barnegat.

Took all day.

But here we are.

We're finally gonna see
our 4:30 movie,

and nobody's gonna stop us.

Is that so?

Mom?

What the hell
are you doing here?

We're here to see Astro Blaster.

You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

This isn't Astro Blaster.
This is Bucklick,

and Bucklick is rated R.

Ooh, what are you
doing here, Melody?

Bucklick is rated R.

She said she's gonna
see Astro Blaster,

but she's sneaking
into R-rated movies with this guy.

Oh, so much drama.
We're supposed to be seeing a comedy.

See, this is why I told you
we should have gone home

when Poltergeist 2
wasn't playing, but...

Wait a minute.

You came to see Poltergeist 2
with Aunt Connie?

You said you had
to see it with me.

Okay, don't-don't turn
this around, okay?

You're the one
in trouble here, missy.

I will deal you after Bucklick.

Get the hell out of here before
I call the manager and have you banned.

This is so unfair.

(Sighs) Can you believe this?

I mean, it's kind of cute.

- Your mom looks pretty pissed.
- She's pissed?

Well, I'm pissed too.
Who does she think she is,

yelling at me in front of you
and everybody in the theater?

She's the one trying to see
Poltergeist 2 without me.

- (Inhales)
- What do you wanna do?

Have sex and get pregnant.
That'll show her.

- If that's what you need...
- I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

Yeah. Wait, are you sure?

(Exhales) Let's go.

She treats me like I'm a baby.

I can't stand it.

Shouldn't we get you home
so you don't get in trouble?

No, I'm already in trouble.

And the minute I get home, I'm gonna
be grounded for the rest of my life.

(Sighs)

So I might as well enjoy today.

Race you!

- (Chuckles)
- What? What?

(Panting)

(Melody) Doesn't it
feel great to run?

Says someone on cross country.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

(Laughs) Raise your arms
above your head.

Yeah.

You ever think about what you wanna be
when you grow up, Brian David?

Sometimes.

What do you wanna be?

I wanna be a dean.

Like a dean at a college?

You wanna be the guy
that's always giving

Animal House a hard time?

No.

I wanna be the girl
that's always giving

Animal House a hard time.

I never knew anybody
who wanted to be a dean.

That's so...

weird.

So what do you wanna do?

- Well...
- And don't say me.

I wanna be a writer.

Well, I think.

I can see that.

I love to read
the stuff you wrote

in my yearbook last summer.

(Brian chuckles)

- What?
- You started out making fun

of what everybody else said.

You wrote...

- "Have a great summer."
- (Chuckles)

"See you over the summer.
Summerly yours."

- And then I signed it "Summer."
- (Both laugh)

I was hysterical.

But then you filled
a whole page

telling me how adorable I am.

And how I'm super nice
and smart.

My mom read it.

And she said it was beautiful.

So, yeah, you're totally
gonna be a writer someday.

Man.

I-- How do you--

You're always so positive.

Not as much as I'm not negative.

Does anything make you sad?

Like, what about nuclear war?

If the Russians dropped
the bomb on us today,

my mom can't ground me.

See, you do that. You're--

You're all about the silver lining.

Like...

everything went wrong
for me today.

But then you came along
and made it all better.

If everything went right today,

you and me would be watching Bucklick.

But this is way better.

Or is it almost perfect?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Then...

Will you go out with me,
Melody Barnegat?

We are out, Brian David.

I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend.

I know what you meant.

But I don't know.

Is it 'cause I'm short?

Jesus.

Would you stop with that shit?

I don't think of you as short.

Then what do you think of me as?

I think of you as...

the most interesting guy
I ever met.

All this stuff you talk about.

The way you see the world.

What you wrote in my yearbook.

You always make me think.

And laugh.

And you're, like,
the funniest person I know.

Yeah?

The only place you come up short...

is in how little you know
about girls.

Because I was gonna let you
get to second base

in my pool last summer...

and then I never heard
from you again.

Until today.

Yeah, but I-I've been
thinking about you

ever since that day.

You're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

You really expect me to believe
you thought about me for an entire year?

Or ever?

Oh, my God.
Are you, like, pulling it out?

Is that a tape recorder?

It's a writing thing.

I read that real writers
use a tape recorder

to help them organize
important thoughts.

Important thoughts like this.

- (Clicks)
- Beatbox Bri, take one!

- Um... Shit, uh...
- (Beatboxing on tape)

- Hold on, um...
- (Tape fast-forwards)

I meant this.

(Brian on tape) I finally
called Melody Barnegat

and invited her out
to the movies. Why...

you ask? (Sighs)

One word.

Love.

I got a 24-karat case of love.

(Clicks)

You're, like,
the coolest girl I ever met.

And all I wanna do
is watch movies with you.

I wanna watch movies with you, too.

(Both laugh)

So does this... mean we're
boyfriend-girlfriend now?

I hope so.

(Brian) Because if I was ever
gonna make a movie about today,

that's how I'd want
the movie to end.

(Melody) Yeah? You think
today could ever be a movie?

(Brian) As long
as there are end credits,

and a song,

today could totally be a movie.

("24 Karat Case of Love"
by Brendan McCreary playing)

(Brian and Melody
chattering, laughing)

(Song ends)

Yes or no?

- I say yes.
- Why?

Because I can tell
you really wanna do it.

But what if I'm not good at it?

Then I can teach you.

I have experience.

And I'm like... a virgin.

- (Boys laughing)
- (Burny) Yeah!

You got that right.

Are we live?

(Burny and Belly) Yeah!

- Miss Melody.
- Sir Burny.

- So, did he go in yet?
- (Burny) Hmm?

- He's hesitating.
- (Boys sigh)

You got this. You just--

- You get in there and you do it.
- We'll watch.

Well, I definitely can't do it
with everybody watching me.

Yes, you can.
You're full of BDE.

Hmm?

Brian David Energy.

(Laughter)

(Burny) That's cute.

Come on, Bri, bubby.
The sooner you get this over with,

the sooner we get to go to the diner
where I have a pork roll,

egg and cheese
with my name on it. Mm?

They can write "asshole"
on a kaiser roll?

(Burny chuckles)

See, you're funny,
but you're lucky, right?

You're lucky that I have
as much respect as I do

for the lovely Miss Melody here.

Otherwise, I-I just might have
to put the Grip of Death on you.

- Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling?
- No!

- No. No, we're not.
- We're not.

- No, we're not. We're not.
- Nobody's wrestling, all right?

Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames.

You ready to do this?

I'm nervous.

(Burny) Jesus, Bri,

we're not talking
about circumcision here.

You're just applying
for a shitty job.

You go in there, you fill out
the bullshit form,

you come out, we go eat. Right?

What do you think, babe?

Yeah, come on, babe.
What do you think?

- Yeah. babe.
- Mmm. Yeah, babe. What's up, babe?

Uh...

It can wait.

("24 Karat Case of Love"
resumes playing)

Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas

where the movies come to--

(Laughing) I'm sorry!

- Want some?
- I'm okay.

(Laughs)

(Lighter lid closes)

(Crew) Resetting. We're rolling.

- (Grunts)
- (Imitating Brian) "Pork chops and applesauce."

God.

- (Laughter)
- (Crew indistinct)

- (Laughs) Ow.
- Oh, sorry.

- No!
- Ah!

(Both yell)

(Laughs)

Please suck it still.

You're pulling your pud
in public?

- Can I try that one more time?
- (Laughs)

It's Major Murder!

- (Engine sputters)
- Whoa!

Is this thing on?!

'Cause I got something to say
to all the sissy civilians out there.

(Blows air with a squeak)
Sorry. So sorry.

- (Laughter)
- And-and what would that be, Major?

(Major Murder) I forgot!

Yes, Virginia,

you'd be better off
believing in Santa Claus

than that slam tam...

(Speaks gibberish)

Because Shamwell is a sham!

- (Huffs air)
- (Snort of laughter)

A man of few words but powerful words.

(Major Murder) That's enough.

Have fun. Don't run.

She's my ex.

Two hundred "Our Father's"!

A Morton's jelly donut. (Scoffs)

Jesus Christ!

You like this?
This is real too.

I got this from the President
of the United States of--

Look at these nuts.

Damn it, man! Why?

(Astro Blaster) Back on Earth...

(Laughter)

One more time.
Damn it, man! Why?

- Did you... get it in yet?
- Hmm?

(Melody) Mm-mm.
He's hesitating.

- (Groans)
- (Man) Wait, what?!

- (Laughter)
- He cut straight to it,

- didn't he?
- (Brian) Didn't you get--

You Three Stooges
are banned for life!

- (Burny) Eat shit!
- (Laughing) Not today.

Who are you, Father Ka-rass?

Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass."

Karras. Blah.

I'm the leader of the beavers.

Nice.

- Yes, it is.
- That's actually--

I kind of consider myself
the same thing, doing what I do.

- Is that right? Well...
- Yeah. It's pretty--

You got a lot
of ladies here, huh?

No.

(Kevin Smith) Jesus Christ, fewer things
in life could be more perfect than that.

Give it up for the boys!

(Cheers and applause)