Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares ”

Are you in.

And “Going Dutch ”

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

Shred...

It's been like 20 minutes, dude, come on.

Hello?

All right, everybody, time's up.

Everybody?

Come on.

Come on.

It's good for their feathers.

Hmm.

Well, that explains my foot fungus that won't go away.

A hundred days since he escaped from the Seattle Zoo,

Oreo, the penguin is still missing.

Will he ever make it back to his enclosure to reunite

with his wife, Patty, and unborn child?

I suppose that's up to Seattle Animal Control,

who've still been unable to find him.

TJ, back to you.

That's not news.

Uh, handsome public servant

who could pass for early 30s searches for lost animal.

That's a story.

I can't stand this.

We're a laughing stock.

That penguin is a folk hero.

People are saying he should run for city council.

Well, people are idiots

because we get at least three hoax calls a week.

And since what we do here is often ridiculous,

hoaxes are impossible to detect.

Yeah, I actually think the hoaxes are kind of cute.

I mean, massive waste of public funds,

but still cute.

If you all are talking about Oreo,

he is officially no longer our problem.

We are turning over the case to Fish and Game.

The feds?

No, absolutely not.

No, absolutely yes.

I just spoke with Commandant Boyle.

He's really tired of all the bad coverage.

Plus, honestly, I think you're starting to take this

a little too personally.

That's true.

You've got to stop watching all that penguin porn.

They're documentaries.

If you know how they mate,

you know how they live, what they want.

Fish, right? Basically just fish.

Just give me 24 hours.

I'll get the whole precinct on it.

Can't. We're going to Canada.

Oh, we're not just going to Canada.

We are flying private to Canada.

What?

They get to fly international on a PJ.

They are taking home a Pomeranian

who ran away from the Seattle dog show.

Yeah, hey. So I've been thinking about that.

We should drive carbon footprint and all.

If Brigadoon's rich owner wants to pay for a private jet.

I say we let her.

Or she could pay for gas for a car.

I just have...

I have, like, a slight fear of small planes.

Give me an Airbus

or an A380 or a 777, and I'm good.

You are going to be fine.

I've got this Michelin Star sushi restaurant

picked out in Vancouver.

I skipped breakfast in preparation.

I will need the receipts for all your expenses.

Just the professional ones, not the Patel-related ones.

Yeah, this is going to be the best mini vacation

of all time.

Okay, while you're all jaw-jacking,

an injustice is being perpetrated.

Our precinct, that I'm the public face of,

is having its lunch eaten by a waddling madman.

Frank, it's not about how we look,

It's about finding the best way to bring Oreo home safely

to his partner and their egg.

Bring him home? Sure.

Safely?

Well, we'll see how rough this penguin wants to tango.

Okay. If no one has any further rantings,

I think this meeting is over.

Why are heavy things being hidden from me?

Shred, get over here, I'm gonna throw you.

All right.

Fish and Game.

Must be nice to only focus on two kinds of animals.

Emily sold us out.

Emily didn't sell us out. Her boss made the call.

Bureaucracy sold us out, Frank.

You know they have a truck that turns into a boat.

They're gonna find Oreo like that.

I don't know how a truck boat makes it that much easier,

but okay.

Truck 12.

Report of a penguin sighting 1223 Briarcrest.

Oh.

Hey, Truck 12 responding.

We are no longer taking penguin calls.

Please route to Fish and Game.

Frank! Frank! Frank!

That is city property!

We're taking the call.

Dude, no. Emily said that we can't.

Oh, Emily said this. Emily said that.

Being short and a kiss ass, not a good look.

Okay, I'm sorry we're not all Nordic giants like you.

And your mind-games won't work on me, man.

Oh, my mind games won't work? Think about breathing.

We're going.

Champagne?

Keep them coming.

How does this plane work?

Like, how does it stay up in the air?

Also, can I get an oxygen mask, please?

One of the ones that you were talking about

when you did the... Great. Thanks.

Can you relax?

Even this anxious little furball is having a good ride.

That's because Brigadoon doesn't know that

we're about to die.

Babe, we're finally living. This is where it all happens.

Where the game gets rigged, the table gets set.

The rich... get richer.

Right, yeah. It's just you, me, and a dog.

May I offer you a selection of Vancouver's finest Gouda?

Mm.

I am a cheese man,

but I've got a lunch date with a Michelin Star.

Yes, please.

Gouda and prosciutto, say hello to benzodiazepine.

This flight's only an hour.

You take all those now,

you're going to be useless when we land.

If we land.

You're stressing him out.

No pills, but I will have champagne.

I'm gonna have the rest of that champagne.

You can bring the bottle, that's fine.

Come on, it's a black and white bird of the nunnery.

It's another hoax, Frank.

You know, there once was a pretty cool dude

everyone else thought was a hoax, too.

Criss Angel Mindfreak.

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Hi, Sister. We're here about the penguin.

The penguin? Is that some sort of joke?

No, Sister. We're with Seattle Animal Control.

And this is how you present yourself.

Shirttails untucked.

Sorry. We just... We got a...

Goodness, stand up straight.

And I see the devil has had his way with your hair.

Boy, I hope you two don't break into song.

Just a little light Catholic school flashbacks.

It's definitely not traumatizing.

Hey.

You guys here about the penguin?

He's over by the fountain.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Oh. I should have trusted my cop instincts.

Always head straight to the groundskeeper.

Oreo! I'm coming.

Oh, we got him.

Finally got that son of a bitch.

Ow.

I didn't even say it, he said it.

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Cara, you slag, get back here!!!

Why is it going like this?!

We're just experiencing some slight turbulence.

It's nothing to worry about, all right?

Ahhhh!!!!!

Cara's in on it.

It's fine. Everything's great actually.

There's no screaming kids.

You know what you gotta do is try that hand lotion

in the bathroom.

These sausages have never been softer.

Yeah, everything's so great

why'd you put the little dog in the safety box?

You mean the dog crate?

What? What are you doing? Get back in there!

Who's driving the plane?

You're just gonna skip past the baby part?

Mom and dad got booked on the same flight.

Childcare fell through. You know the deal.

- Turbulence is about to pick up. - Okay.

Just need two hands on the yoke there.

Okay.

Turbulen...

Somebody's always fussy at 40,000 feet.

What's that in meters, Cara?!

Relax, it's like 10.

- Liar. Give me. - Yeah.

I'm gonna need that.

Okay.

Shouldn't have brought the baby.

One hundred days, six hours, 44 minutes...

Forty-five now, approximately.

That's how long we've been chasing this

oily, flightless bird.

I'm impressed the little dude

made it this long in the big city.

My first month here, I was a wreck.

We've been made. Get him!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

He may draw all men unto him,

and give them eternal life.

Behold the lamb.

You take the side, I'll go up the middle.

Wash away the sins of the world.

Don't blame us.

It's the fault of one of God's creatures.

Sorry.

Peace be with you.

Where'd he go?

He must have slipped under the pew.

I'm on it!

Hurry! He's heading for the altar.

Oh!

What are you waiting for?

Last time I desecrated an altar,

they made me write the Lord's Prayer a thousand times.

Just do it, you sissy!

♪ Hallelujah

- Damn. - ♪ Hallelujah

That was much better than sex.

Well, you can imagine.

Hey, Cara, do we have a binky for him?

Cara!

Hey, folks, this is your pilot speaking.

We're encountering some rough weather over the Cascades.

Yeah, we've been circling for over an hour.

Unfortunately, we will have to touch down in Boise.

What?

Idaho. We're going to Idaho.

That's the opposite direction!

Ground transport will be provided

to your final destination.

Sorry, Is that a black car or a limo?

Fancy party bus?

We lost a penguin. We found a penguin.

It's an epic tale for the ages.

Feels good man.

I mean, I'm realizing I have quite a bit of school trauma

I need to unpack one day,

but still, it's nice to get a win, you know?

Uh-huh.

Emily, what's black and white

and caged in the back of the truck?

Are you drunk?

'Cause you sound a little drunk.

We got Oreo.

Really? Uh, that's... that's great.

Let's save the 'that's great' platitudes

for photos of your friends' kids

What I did today was astonishing.

I'm glad that he's safe.

But you also totally defied my orders.

Yeah, well, orders are meant to be defied, Chief.

I'm an iconoclast, a renegade, and I just put on sunglasses.

Yeah, he does look really cool.

But to be clear, I was against the whole

renegade, iconoclast... thing.

All right. Well, tell me you guys at least

got some footage that we could send to the news.

Well, I got a selfie with the bird and I,

but it reads a little Guantanamo.

Okay, well, we're probably not going to use that.

The body cam footage is no good either.

Catch pole was blocking Franks,

and then mine fogged up from all my hot wheezing

because it was a very exciting afternoon.

Look, if you need a pull quote

for the press release,

I've been noodling some, with Jack London quotes

and without.

Great.

Hello?

I'm surprised she wasn't more psyched.

Well, I think she'd be more psyched

if we had caught it on film.

What's that face? I don't trust that face.

You can't wait for inspiration.

You have to go after it with a club.

Jack London.

We should not club that penguin.

Whoa! This is nice.

It's disgusting.

No offense to anyone who paid to be on this bus.

Excuse me.

Where are we going again?

How many pills have you taken?

A baker's dozen.

You're officially a liability.

All right.

Three and a half hours till you're home.

And I'm eating the best sushi I've ever had.

We can do this.

Perfect.

Thanks for calling.

Normally, we don't stage news footage,

but stories about animals, assaults

and attempted murder are good for ratings.

Now, obviously, Oreo is the star,

but I think this story

should really be played out on my face.

I'm not sure about this, Frank.

Who cares if we caught Oreo on camera or not.

To recreate it is meaningless.

And don't even get me started

on the journalistic ethics of this.

This is our only chance to take back the narrative.

Do you still want people calling you

a potato face waterslide stooge?

It's my first time hearing that.

But, yeah, I mean, I'd like it to stop.

Okay, then you're in.

All right, roll it.

Emily would not be cool with this.

You need to stop being so naive.

The economy runs on fake animal footage.

Frank...

Oreo's gone.

Oh, that was a really great read.

Frank, he's gone.

Oreo!

Frank, go, go, go.

Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Do you see a penguin?

Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Of all the animals that end my career.

I didn't think it was gonna be a penguin.

You accepting applications?

Seattle celebrity Penguin Oreo was spotted today,

but he won't be going back to the zoo.

God, is that how I run?

This is not the first time Animal Control

has failed to capture Oreo, making this reporter wonder,

should this case be handed over to Fish and Game.

I mentioned the Fish and Game thing off the record.

I'm speechless.

I just want to say

that everyone was on board for the reenactment.

Except Oreo.

And me.

I was never on board.

The principals were on board, meaning me.

Well, whatever. It doesn't matter now.

Commandant Boyle wants to see me 'cause I'm in trouble.

And all I do is work my tush off for this precinct.

I'm sorry to swear, but it's true.

I mean, I have managed a zoo break.

I have raised money for a new kennel,

which maybe is now in jeopardy after all of this.

I even sneak into this office on the weekends

to clean what the janitorial staff has missed.

Yeah, well, nobody can get the grout

with a toothbrush like you.

Don't suck up to me.

'Cause the only time my boss wants to see me is

because you two knuckleheads have done something stupid.

And do you know what happens when I get yelled at?

You cry.

No, that's so insulting and sexist. No.

Maybe just let her talk.

I panic sweat, okay? Like a sprinkler.

They used to call me two shirts at school.

Oh, my God, it's starting already.

Emily, I'm really sorry.

We never meant for any of this to blow back on you.

You are both hosing out cages for the rest of the week.

Just get out of here.

Oh, God. Did I get you?

Yep. You got me.

That's all right. That's a little friendly fire.

We deserve that.

- Yeah, sorry. - Wow.

Just leave. Why am I apologizing?

You get that cab receipt for Emily?

I just threw up in Brigadoon. Mom's powder room.

You're lucky I'm still standing.

You know what?

All that matters right now is we are finally here.

No.

No, no!

Hello? Patel. Party of two.

Patel! Party of two!

Looks like they close at 3:00 p.m. on Wednesdays.

No, that wasn't on the website.

It doesn't say that on the website!

Brigadoon!!!

Fish and Game guys

had to bring their boat truck just to get the Oreo files.

Oh, real class act. Dicks!

Yeah, you know,

if we had one of those amphibious vehicles,

we'd get them like that...

We did catch them like that.

And then you let them go.

And now, we have to hose down Great Dane doo doo.

Okay, you know I hate that word.

Just say leavings.

I don't want to say leavings.

I want to cute it up.

And, if you don't mind my saying

you've acted like a real piece of doo doo.

Whoa! You know, Sister Carol Ann's not here,

so you can talk like a grown-up.

Great, I will.

You completely hung Emily out to dry

and pardon my French,

but she works her tush off for this precinct.

I mean, she managed the zoo break,

she raised money for a new kennel,

she even sneaks into the office on the weekends.

Okay, you're just repeating what Emily said.

She's a great supervisor, man.

But right now, all her boss thinks is that she's the dummy

who hired the two bigger dummies

who lost Oreo... twice.

So, if you could please just shut up for once

and hose.

You know, you're a lot more fun

when you put me on a pedestal.

Next.

Today has been a nightmare.

Really? I feel so well-rested.

I can't believe I'm saying this

because Danny's got two ear infections,

but I'm just excited to go home.

Next.

Oh, here we go.

Passports.

Yes, I have one. It's American.

I'm a citizen.

Land of the free.

Well, not always, but most of...

Okay, thank you.

You're good.

Oh, wait. Where's my fanny pack?

Hey.

Where's my...

$300 cab. I left it in the $300 cab.

My lumbar was chafing and I took it...

I told you not to wear that fanny pack.

For different reason, but still.

Sir, I'm an officer of the law.

Well, kind of.

Does Animal Control get diplomatic privileges?

- No passport, no crossing. - No, sorry.

- Next. - No, hey. Sorry. Hey.

You don't understand, okay.

I've had the worst... the worst day.

I had to hold a baby on a private jet.

Next.

And I didn't get my sushi.

And then a bus child put gum on my hair.

Next.

Excuse me. All I want is to go home.

That's what I'm going to do. I am going home.

And there's not a thing you

or any of these fine men or women can say to stop me.

Patel, wait.

I am dry, and cool and competent.

I am dry and cool and competent.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Emily, wait. There's been a miracle.

What?

I found Oreo.

No...

I was just...

I was trolling the marshlands outside the nunnery,

and there he was.

Oh my God. Oh, my God, you saved my life.

It might be time to change the shirt, too.

Oh, this is shirt two.

Then it's great.

Who wants to lick the inside

of a round little treat?

What? Do you need a mental health day?

Because I found Oreo.

Oh my gosh, there's two of them.

Twins. What a twist.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so neither of these are Oreo, are they?

- No. - They are not, no.

And do I want to know where you two found penguins?

- Steve's. - Yeah, that was Steve's.

Steve's. Okay. Who's Steve?!

He's got a bird sanctuary, but he's totally above board.

Yeah, he's between licenses, but a great dude.

So... So, just so I'm clear, you both disobeyed me.

And then as a fix, you double disobeyed me

with something that, by the way,

is never going to work.

To be fair, it did kind of work on you,

so it'll definitely work on your boss.

And you shouldn't get in trouble

for something that we did.

I did.

I just...

I've never been so mad looking at such cute animals.

Emily.

Take a bird.

Embrace the darkness.

Be born again.

Okay, fine. I'm taking Shreds, though,

because it seems lighter.

Oh.

How much did you pay Steve for the penguin?

Only if we say it at the same time.

Three.

Two.

One.

- Free. - Three hun...

Free. I was gonna say free.

Hey.

Look what the cab driver dropped off.

What? How did you find him?

Okay, so I have no memory of this, but, um,

I guess I got his number.

Did you get the receipt?

Shoot. No, I should have

because it was another 300 bucks.

No, you know what?

This time, we should focus on the wins.

Let's go.

Oh, also, I got you this.

It's not sushi grade, but it's packed full of oil.

And I know how much you love oil.

Thank you.

Do you think I have time to eat this right now?

Definitely, yeah. You should sit down.

Okay.

So... we missed the last bus for the night,

and I will see you at 5:00 a.m.

Oh, yeah.

Wild caught.

Nope. That's farmed.

I am so glad the zoo agreed to host fake Oreo.

Yeah, yeah. I think it's a win-win.

They get a break from the bad press

and we have time to find the real Oreo.

Mhm.

Wait, did you finish hosing the crates?

Absolutely.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how mad are you at me?

Uh...

three.

Nice. Three.

It was a four.

But then you loaned me your shirt for my boss meeting.

Oh, yeah. Of course I'm happy to

and you can just... you can keep that.

Yeah, I probably should.

I don't know if Patty's feeling the new guy.

Yeah. It's natural.

It's what happens when you're not with your person.

Hey, look at that.

Awe.

Ohh, we need to find a zookeeper ASAP.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Yes.

Hey.

Hey.

Nice work on that, penguin.

Who? Oreo?

Oh, well, we thought you guys were going to botch it,

so we took care of it ourselves.

Respect.

Do you want to have lunch?

Really?

Yeah, on that island over there.

Oh, that's right... you can't.

You know, we totally can.

We just have to swim there, but we had a big breakfast.

We're not hungry.

You think they're hiring?

Why?

I don't know, I just like their uniforms.

You know, they got earth tones

I'm a summer.

So cool.

Really cool.

I hate those guys.