Original subtitles

Everything's cool for the first few seconds.

Then I remember what I'm like and how I have to be that today,

tomorrow and every day until I'm not.

Mm...

Why am I here?

Don't you remember?

Ugh...

You said everything was spinning.

Yeah, cos I'd just drank a bottle of vodka.

Why?

I lost my job.

And I fell out with someone, it's what people do.

But I don't.

Well, not everyone's problems can be solved by cat videos.

And anal clenches.

Sorry, Shereen, I don't mean that.

You've done so much, letting me stay.

I'm taking the piss, you should evict me.

Well, you're a guest, not a tenant.

I wouldn't let a tenant sleep in my bed,

it would be breach of the lease.

It shuts my head up.

Drink.

Well, how can I help you?

Don't let me go to odd bits.

Shiatsu's really good for anxiety.

And I need someone to practise on for my course.

I think I feel worse than that.

Look.

This is as bad as you're going to feel.

Promise.

This was a positive bonding experience.

Even if I am going to spend the rest of today

worrying I tried to sleep-finger her.

It's time to bring in the big guns,

before I shoot myself in the head with one.

Before you ask, I had a really nice childhood.

I wasn't abused.

Unless, not being allowed a horse is abuse.

OK.

Good to know.

So...

... why do I think about molesting strangers and...

... going down on my mum?

Yeah, intrusive thoughts can be ridiculous,

but it is normal to have them...

But why would I think them if I didn't want to do them?

Can you tell me another one of your intrusions, like,

the last one you had, perhaps?

Oh. I know, I know, this is difficult

but everything you say stays in here.

I was thinking about fingering you.

I was thinking about stabbing you in the face with my pen

and how I'd have to pay my cleaner extra cos of the blood

and the ink stains.

Erm...

It was only a thought.

It doesn't mean anything.

And what did you do in response to that thought?

Told myself I didn't want to do it.

You tried to reassure yourself?

Did that work?

No, still thinking about it.

And you haven't touched me.

Which would suggest

that you are NOT going to act on your intrusions.

But I have acted on them.

With various people and various genders in various ways.

Ah, so you keep checking?

Yeah.

That's a compulsion.

Anything you do as a reaction

to your intrusive thoughts is a compulsion.

Do any of these things stop the thoughts,

or the anxiety they cause you?

No.

So, could it be that your solutions

are part of the problem?

OCD is a recognised condition that people get help for.

Help!

I'm cured!

- Really? - No, I've got to come back.

Everything OK?

Uh, it's an anxiety thing.

Snap!

That's probably because we're both creative.

It's, like, nature's compliment.

Uh, thanks SO much for this.

I'll pay you back.

Oh, it's my treat.

The last functional present I got was when my parents

got me an office chair for my Christmas.

This is much better.

Come on.

All right? It's me, the knob end from his mum and dad's house, again.

Have you blocked me?

I'm starting to think that you have, I've sent a lot of texts!

Anyway, will you just erm...

Will you ring me back?

Cos, erm...

Yeah, I meant to be going to this thing later and I've got

to convince these work people that I'm all right.

And uh, yeah, I'm not.

I feel, erm...

I feel shit, actually, cos of, you know,

cos of how I was with you.

So, yeah, will you just...

Will you just talk to me?

I know I don't really know you, but I feel like I know enough.

Too much, perhaps.

But, you know too much about me and all.

That's...

T... that's why we should be mates.

So, erm...

Yeah, call me back.

Fuck.

All the fucked up stuff I've done is cos of my disorder,

even the sex stuff.

From now on, I am off it.

This is a friend zone.

If you see me near anyone's genitals,

just smack them out of my hands.

£62.37, right?

Yeah, thanks.

I didn't think you'd come.

Unless it's the ghost of you and you've come to haunt me.

Which I would deserve.

I'd haunt the fuck out of you! I'd chuck your furniture about,

wake you up in the middle of the night, cos that was...

- I know... - I don't even know what that was!

Inexcusable?

I would love an excuse!

I'm trying to think of one.

I don't want you to make one up, I want you to talk to me.

- Cos I did you a favour. - I know and I'm so grateful...

Libby thinks that I get junior staff off Tinder.

She started calling them "Tinterns".

I fully accept responsibility

for how fucked up I was, both times.

But I know it's me,

and I'm addressing it.

I'm really sorry.

Ugh...

It wasn't ALL you and...

My recruitment strategy is clearly flawed.

Can't seem to keep it in my pants.

Because I keep taking my pants off for all the shagging.

What can I say? I'm a people person.

Especially when the people want to come back to my place.

It's a nice place.

You should see my place.

Yeah?

Not cos it's anything special.

Or even mine.

But I could cook you dinner to say sorry?

Uh...

Dinner, yeah, sounds good.

I'm like, "Please be my friend!"

You don't have to try so hard.

What?

I didn't know he was coming.

Nah, it'll be grand.

I let him come cos he finally got rid of Shula.

He didn't murder her, they just split up.

And, I didn't want to leave him on his own.

Drinks?

What are you drinking?

Usual.

I'm not, this is fine.

It's just an intrusive thought.

I don't have feelings for him, I have a medical condition.

Shit!

This is work.

I've been trying to pin her down for ages.

Don't shag her.

Hi!

Nancy, it's actually an honour to be talking to you...

You seem...

Warmer?

I am, not just in my bra this time!

I was going to say better.

Well, nobody's called me Moira since, so...

I have to run off to meet someone.

I'm not being a dick, it's for work.

Your woman sounds like high maintenance.

But I'll see you for the dinner, right?

Sorry to leave you with him.

It's fine.

I always forget people are into this.

Not me!

I'm not into this.

And he's DEFINITELY not into this.

We're two people not being into this.

Hey.

We should get that drink now.

Still not drinking, that's peer pressure.

Doesn't have to be alcohol.

Do you mean a friendly drink?

Or, a sexy drink?

Just so I know what I'm dealing with.

I was thinking like a...

... sexy drink.

Why?

Because I'm available,

and you seemed up for it.

- You think I'm up for it? - No, not UP for it but willing.

- Cos I'm so up for it? - No, this is...

- I mean... - It's just like, really?

After everything you've seen?

I like what I've seen. I want to see more of it.

I'm quite messed up right now.

I don't care!

I... I... I do care.

I just mean I don't mind.

I'm like, "Come at me, bro, I'm into it."

I mean, not into it. Well...

I was cos it was kind of hot.

- This is coming out wrong! - Are you actually being serious?

Do you like vulnerable women or something?

No, I prefer stable ones.

Wow.

That's not what I meant.

No, fine, just going to go...

Bye.

Marnie!

Oi, you left your money!

Aargh!

Aargh! Aargh...

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

♪ We can achieve it ♪

♪ We can achieve it ♪

♪ Come a little bit closer baby ♪

♪ Get it on, get it on ♪

♪ Cos tonight ♪

♪ Is the night ♪

- ♪ When two becomes one... ♪ - Can you play something else?

Being friends with someone means doing stuff for them

that you don't want to do.

Like, listening to that dream they had,

or doing their birthday drinks.

This is like that, with more disinfectant and screaming.

- Does it hurt... ? - Yeah, a little bit.

I'm sorry about before,

suggesting you're a predator.

You're not.

Well, I don't know what you're up to in your free time,

maybe you are.

But until I hear otherwise, you're not.

Thanks?

I've been having some technical issues lately.

So, apologies for any inconvenience this has caused.

Yeah, it is a bit inconvenient.

How am I meant to prey on vulnerable women if I've got a limp?

It's weird the driver didn't see you wearing your Hi Viz.

Like a shit lollipop man who got run over!

Yeah, what did you come as - loft insulation?

It's human bubble wrap!

So, I don't hurt myself on London.

Did my nipples just quiver?

Yeah, but cos of anxiety, not arousal.

He's a trigger, NOT a turn-on.

Oh, they're taking ages!

Yeah, if you want to get off...

- Do you want me to? - No, I just won't be offended.

- Cos I can stay. - Yeah.

I mean, whatever.

I'm staying, so you don't get run over by a trolley.

Joseph Mudaki?

- Yep. - Shouldn't you...

- Could you? Thanks. - Yeah.

Fuck! Sorry, it's just really sore.

Your girlfriend can come too.

- Oh, hello! - She's not...

No, NOT his girlfriend.

OK.

Hi, sorry, have you got someone?

OK.

This lady doesn't have anyone.

Anyone need a person?

She's alone.

I'll have to take you.

Tonight, we're focusing on how to calm,

tonify, and dispersing Chi.

Hi.

Hi, Amber Doherty?

Nancy Vegalo's plus one?

I guess so, yeah.

We're so pleased you could make it.

- Thanks. - She's not here yet, but you can go through.

- Great. - Can I take your phone?

Nope, that's fine, I'm going to keep that.

It's the rules.

Sorry, is this like some sort of really polite mugging?

- I need it for work. - No, you don't, she doesn't.

Nancy, hi.

Amber Doherty, Ethel.

I know, I googled you.

Stick it in the same one, please?

Nancy Vegalo.

We're so glad you could make it, like...

... actually glad, genuinely.

I really love your work.

And I love yours.

I love it too. I think it is great, I love it.

Shall we?

Yes.

It's just hard to believe that the woman who used to lovingly

lay out my socks every morning is the same one who spray-painted

a cock on my Audi.

Well, I've become a complete cynic in these matters.

I'd stay well away from women if I were you.

I will!

Ooh, shit, there's one.

Ooh, and another one!

You should have a word with them.

With women?

Well, of course.

And as spokesperson for all women, I'd like to apologise

for your wife's audacity to claim reasonable compensation for the cost

of access to her womb, and the best years of her life.

What a bitch!

This looks lovely, I might go for the sea bass.

Could get used to this.

Obviously, subject to you letting me back.

Well, it's up to her.

I just do what she says.

- You ready to order? - Ladies first.

- Off you go, then. - Oh!

We're out of the sea bass, so, apologies for that.

- Oh, no. - Aw, he's going to have to have more time off!

Do you think he's getting an injection?

Not unless it's a MASSIVE needle, like a knitting needle.

Or, a skewer,

lance, a joust!

OK, less pointy words.

Are you scared?

I don't like being poked by things.

OK, so you're not pregnant or breast-feeding or about

to operate any heavy machinery?

Nope.

Good.

Then you can enjoy these.

Once they've kicked in, we'll get you down to X-ray.

First, I need to get some bloods in case you need surgery.

Christ, day one of celibacy

and I'm already holding hands with someone.

What if this is a gateway gesture - hands today, genitals tomorrow?

Great.

Now my labia is twitching, what does that mean?

How do I know what's OCD and what's me being horny?

♪ Candlelight and soul forever ♪

♪ A dream of you and me together... ♪

That's not a side effect.

♪ Say you believe it ♪

♪ Free your mind of doubt and danger ♪

♪ Be for real don't be a stranger ♪

♪ We can achieve it ♪

♪ We can achieve it... ♪

It's in now, it's IN now!

Little one in my vein.

And we're... done.

Finger on there, please.

Get off!

Taking advantage when I'm in a vulnerable position.

Shit!

Am I sexually attracted to men being feeble?

So I am just going to launch right in, if that is OK.

Oh, you've done questions.

Yeah, it is...

It is pretty out there in terms of a interview technique,

but it seems to work for me, so...

Can I have it back?

Let's not do this tonight.

Sorry, what?

I don't really do interviews.

I know.

Which is why I'm so grateful...

So, OK, thanks all for coming.

This girl has got something very unique and truthful

to say about the millennial female experience...

This album is NOT about the millennial female experience.

It's a discourse on current human perception...

And it's SO real!

It's SO authentic!

I get it.

- And we're delighted she is saying it with us... - So, sorry.

- Why am I here then if you don't want to talk to me... - Cos you're fit.

And your Twitter's quite funny.

Am I supposed to be flattered?

Uh, so, without further ado, this is Quine...

... with Tongue Centre!

- My editor is expecting an article... - OK, sh, sh!

Starting, starting.

♪ We are ♪

♪ Here ♪

♪ Here ♪

♪ We ♪

♪ Are ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello... ♪

♪ Hello... ♪

This is really offensive.

♪ You are here... ♪

Nancy?

♪ I am here... ♪

Nancy?

♪ We are here... ♪

Nancy?

♪ Here we are... ♪

Fuck this.

♪ We are here... ♪

OK, fine, fine, I'll do it, I'll do it!

Shit, I forgot my phone.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What's the number?

I don't know.

Give me the ticket.

Fucking full of yourself, aren't you?!

What? That was you.

That was not me, that was you.

So, are we going to go to a real bar and do this, or what?

Nah.

We're going to go to mine.

I'm doing an article on celibacy, so...

Oh, fuck it.

Sorry, cab, please. Thank you.

Well...

- Great to see you. - Yeah, lovely to...

- Yeah. - You coming for one more,

or have you got to get home and phone the Samaritans?

If I don't, they'll worry, won't they?

Yeah, they're a good bunch, I ran the London for them last year.

Cos of my little sister.

- Come on, Angus! - Need a lift, Charlie?

Better do as your mum says!

If you don't mind, yeah...

- Of course. - ... that would be great, thank you.

- Safety first. - Hmm.

I feel great...

Really optimistic.

Optimism is a side effect of codeine.

It's a side effect of you... !

It's definitely the drugs.

Stop, stop it!

I'm itchy.

Other side effects may include vomiting,

constipation, confusion, rash.

Got your prescription, give it to you because he'll try and eat it.

And he's good to go.

He'll need some help though.

Great.

I'm like his carer.

His creepy carer who fancies him...

Sorry about teasing you.

Just so you don't think I'm a...

... complete twat.

You're not a twat.

I am actually... I'm actually part-twat.

Well, Angus is full-twat but it kind of rubs off.

Honestly, I don't think you're a twat, I think you're nice.

I think you're smart, like,

- in your head smart. - Mm-hmm.

And, you've got...

... you know, nice blouses.

Whatever you call them, tops.

No, I like them, they're erm...

they're nice, they're professional but...

But, like, sexy as well...

N... not sexy, erm...

Fun. Like, you know, in a respectful way...

You are...

You are very sweet, Charlie.

Why do you want to come and work for a bunch of twats like us?

I love twats.

I can't get enough of them.

Maybe you should come back, then.

I would...

I would love that.

So would I.

I can't...

- I... I've got to get out here, actually. - Yeah.

Erm, yeah, yeah, I've got to get out right here.

- Oh, yeah, OK. - Erm...

There's a Tesco, I need to get some milk.

- Could you... ? - Pull over, pull over.

- Thanks, thanks. - No, thank you. Thank you.

- I'll see you Monday? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Indeed you will.

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

Shit!

Why am I cock-blocking myself?

If I want to shag him, I'll shag him and no-one can fucking stop me.

Obviously, not when he's vulnerable cos that's immoral.

Where do you want... ?

- I was going to, on the bed? - OK, the bed.

Could have made it.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting company.

Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, sorry, I was just watching...

Thanks.

Uh right, my work here is done.

Give me my gear.

Hm, yeah.

These should say, "May experience girl power," on the side.

Yeah, sorry you had to see that.

Bye.

Oh.

Aw!

OK, yep, thanks.

- How are you getting back? - Uh...

Just going to go outside and hope for the best.

You're so in the moment.

Nope, just blasé about personal safety.

This is what I mean.

I don't think you're...

... vulnerable.

I think you're Teflon.

Like a nonstick pan, no need to soak.

Take last week.

You didn't think, you just did.

I want to be like that, I want to go out in my boxers

in a cloud of muffins!

You don't give a shit about what's going to happen,

you just go with it.

It's cool.

OK.

Well...

... reality, klaxon.

I ALWAYS think before I do.

So that was ALL me, which is disturbing.

I still like it.

That doesn't mean you have to like this...

No, I do!

Objectively...

... all very visually appealing.

- Please... - Get OUT! - Stop, STOP!

Uh...

Erm...

I...

I just don't know...

... if it's a good idea right now.

If this had been last week, I would have been on there like, aargh!

But now, I'm like,

"Do I?"

"I don't know."

I am getting mixed signals.

I know.

Me, too.

I'm getting mixed signals from myself.

This is so confusing!

I don't want to do anything until I feel less confused.

About myself, and other people.

Like you.

Nah, it's me.

I am...

Hoo!

Away, because of the drugs.

Don't know what I'm saying.

Yeah, you junkie.

You're a disgrace, being all nice to me.

- Call the police. - Yeah.

I'm going to go.

But...

... mate, we should do dinner soon.

Yeah, great.

We should set that up.

That wouldn't have just been a kiss.

It would have been another fucked up loop

in my sexual spiral of despair.

I can't have sex in real life when there's this much sex in my head.

We'll, erm...

Bye.

- Bye? - Yeah. I've actually got

- a Skype call early in the morning. - Oh.

It's just going to be a bit awkward with some girl here.

Obviously, I wasn't going to stay.

I was...

... actually about to say I was going to go, so...

- I'll text you, yeah? - I'll...

No, I'll text you, so...

Just grab these...

Hm...

Did you know touch is the only sense you can die from a lack of?

Mm-hmm.

It's hard to fake this much holy bliss but I have to suck it up

if I want to be friends with a tactile person.

It'll probably lead to human extinction cos we'll all

be on our phones instead of touching.

You can't Instagram a hug!

OK, thanks!

Love, but I haven't found your palace of anxiety yet!

Maybe next time?

Well, how do you feel?

Uh, dishevelled.

But a bit less anxious.

Thank you.

It's good we can talk about stuff.

I feel like I could tell you anything.

Yeah.

Last one, I'll leave you alone, I promise.

I'm sorry.

Have I said that?

I don't think I have, but I am.

Oh, fuck this.

I've fucked it, haven't I?

Fuck!

Hi.

I got your message.

I did ring, I didn't just pop round.

Do people even pop in London?

I just wanted to talk to you.

Cos you're the only person I can really talk to,

and I only got that cos we weren't talking.

OK.

I know it's late.

Yeah, it's pretty late.

Yeah.

I'm realising that now. Erm...

And this is quite weird of me,

so I might just...

... come back actually at a more convenient time.

OK, bye.

Marnie, Marnie, wait.

- I thought I fucked this up... - You haven't.

What were we doing? We don't even fancy each other.

Yeah, I know.

I mean,

don't get me wrong, you're a total catch.

YOU'RE a catch.

I'm just not in a place for...

No, no, I'm not in a place...

So, we should just be...

We should just be...

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -