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Jerry! Jerry, come on!
6
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We got to go!
You got to come with me, Jerry!
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Rick?
It's important, Jerry.
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The fate of the galaxy
rests on your shoulders.
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Let's go.
Put some pants on.
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N-Never mind, there's no time
for pants, Jerry.
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I'll make you a pair of pants
on the way.
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It's a Rick and Jerry
adventure!
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Rick and Jerry episode!
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*RICK and MORTY*
Season 03 Episode 05
Title:"The Whirly Dirly Conspiracy"
21
00:01:12,356 --> 00:01:14,198
Then I thought,
"Hey, what about Jerry?
22
00:01:14,292 --> 00:01:16,158
He's... He's good
with regular folk."
23
00:01:16,255 --> 00:01:18,415
This is a real situation
where... where...
24
00:01:18,470 --> 00:01:19,917
Where Jerry
could really shine.
25
00:01:19,965 --> 00:01:21,491
He's a master convincer."
26
00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:24,072
Rick, I'm not an idiot.
I know what this is.
27
00:01:24,157 --> 00:01:25,947
Oh. Okay, well,
I told Morty,
28
00:01:26,004 --> 00:01:28,345
"Look, parents get divorced.
They get sad. He'll be fine,"
29
00:01:28,393 --> 00:01:30,865
but I think he's worried
you're gonna, you know... Pbht!
30
00:01:30,913 --> 00:01:32,685
And you know how Morty gets
when he gets emotional.
31
00:01:32,732 --> 00:01:33,755
It impedes my work.
32
00:01:33,803 --> 00:01:35,837
So, I told him I'd take you out
and give you a win.
33
00:01:35,885 --> 00:01:37,647
Wait. My son asked you
to take me
34
00:01:37,695 --> 00:01:39,468
on some kind of
pity adventure
35
00:01:39,544 --> 00:01:40,945
to keep me
from killing myself?
36
00:01:40,993 --> 00:01:42,622
Wait, wh-what
did you think it was?
37
00:01:42,789 --> 00:01:44,003
An execution.
38
00:01:44,108 --> 00:01:46,182
Geez!
You really do need a win.
39
00:01:46,230 --> 00:01:47,590
No!
I-I don't know.
40
00:01:47,638 --> 00:01:49,173
I mean, you never made me
the pants, so...
41
00:01:49,220 --> 00:01:50,742
So, you thought
I was gonna drive you
42
00:01:50,790 --> 00:01:51,912
into the middle
of the galaxy
43
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,483
and shove you
into the vacuum of space
44
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:54,574
with your dick
hanging out?
45
00:01:54,622 --> 00:01:55,796
And we're seeing
how you'd act
46
00:01:55,852 --> 00:01:57,114
if that were
about to happen?
47
00:01:57,162 --> 00:01:58,904
I mean I'll make you
the pants right now.
48
00:01:58,951 --> 00:02:00,015
Take me two seconds
to make you pants.
49
00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:01,819
I have pants at home!
Jerry, if I make pants,
50
00:02:01,866 --> 00:02:03,374
they'll be better than
your pants at home.
51
00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:04,720
Also, if I wanted
to kill you...
52
00:02:04,802 --> 00:02:06,592
Yeah, I get it.
It would be amazing.
53
00:02:06,656 --> 00:02:07,847
Please, take me home.
54
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,875
I'll tell my son we had
an amazing adventure.
55
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:11,074
Well, if it's all the same,
could we go
56
00:02:11,121 --> 00:02:12,121
get our story straight?
57
00:02:12,169 --> 00:02:13,283
Because
you're a terrible liar.
58
00:02:13,330 --> 00:02:15,098
You called me
a master convincer!
59
00:02:15,146 --> 00:02:16,512
You believed me?
60
00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:23,712
Huh. This seems...
kind of fancy.
61
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,619
Jerry, for all you know,
this is the equivalent
62
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,710
of an alien truck stop.
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00:02:26,758 --> 00:02:27,979
You have
no frame of reference.
64
00:02:28,027 --> 00:02:29,672
You're in a universe
beyond your imagining.
65
00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:31,516
But, yes,
it is super fancy.
66
00:02:31,564 --> 00:02:33,270
I mean, my job here is
to make Morty happy.
67
00:02:33,325 --> 00:02:34,836
I'm not gonna take you
somewhere dangerous.
68
00:02:35,997 --> 00:02:37,099
Rick Sanchez.
69
00:02:37,147 --> 00:02:39,245
I told you if I ever saw
your face in here again,
70
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,262
I would stick you
like the pig you are.
71
00:02:41,777 --> 00:02:44,433
Shnoopy Bloopers,
I told you if you tried...
72
00:02:44,709 --> 00:02:46,670
There'd be two funerals.
73
00:02:46,718 --> 00:02:48,311
Aaah!!
74
00:02:49,368 --> 00:02:50,915
Someone?
75
00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,239
Uh, someone?
Someone!
76
00:02:57,943 --> 00:02:59,799
My friend!
It has been too long.
77
00:02:59,852 --> 00:03:01,535
Oh, it's great
to see you again, buddy!
78
00:03:02,535 --> 00:03:03,605
Yeah, you're doing it.
79
00:03:03,653 --> 00:03:05,473
Mr. Sanchez gets
anything he wants!
80
00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,639
The resort's covered
in an immortality field.
81
00:03:07,717 --> 00:03:09,238
You can't die here.
That's the gimmick.
82
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,450
Okay, but still...
Bad parenting.
83
00:03:14,618 --> 00:03:16,384
Hey, rich a-holes are
rich a-holes.
84
00:03:16,432 --> 00:03:17,833
They all pay top dollar
to come here
85
00:03:17,881 --> 00:03:19,652
and enjoy a consequence-free
vacation.
86
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,757
No death, no disease,
no dismemberment.
87
00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,506
Can't even have a heart attack.
88
00:03:23,561 --> 00:03:24,904
Got it.
The perfect place
89
00:03:24,952 --> 00:03:26,903
to take the most fragile being
in the universe.
90
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,672
I can tell you expect me
to refute that,
91
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:29,873
but it's
right on the money.
92
00:03:29,921 --> 00:03:31,120
If I come home
without you,
93
00:03:31,168 --> 00:03:32,525
I doubt Morty's gonna
let me off the hook.
94
00:03:32,572 --> 00:03:34,796
Yeah, but what if you came home
with Jeff Goldblum.
95
00:03:34,844 --> 00:03:35,972
Jeff Goldblum?
96
00:03:36,020 --> 00:03:37,951
What the are you
talking about, Jerry?
97
00:03:38,189 --> 00:03:39,276
Jesus!
98
00:03:39,324 --> 00:03:40,844
Holy shit!
99
00:03:40,999 --> 00:03:42,311
Yo, what's up,
"Big Chill"?!
100
00:03:42,379 --> 00:03:43,774
Don't go
into the telepod!
101
00:03:44,894 --> 00:03:47,013
Hey, maybe we would have fun
on a fake adventure.
102
00:03:47,062 --> 00:03:48,675
On a fake adventure.
103
00:03:48,723 --> 00:03:50,669
Speaking of...
What are we gonna tell Morty?
104
00:03:50,742 --> 00:03:52,361
I don't know.
But whatever it is,
105
00:03:52,417 --> 00:03:54,458
we're gonna need a couple more
of these babies!
106
00:03:57,341 --> 00:03:58,462
What's wrong?
107
00:03:58,510 --> 00:04:00,473
Mom,
do you think I'm hot?
108
00:04:00,522 --> 00:04:04,157
I... don't think that's something
that matters.
109
00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:05,502
So, I'm not hot?!
110
00:04:05,556 --> 00:04:07,957
I'm saying the part of you
that cares about that
111
00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:09,713
is a part you shouldn't
give any energy to.
112
00:04:09,761 --> 00:04:10,959
That's not an answer!
113
00:04:11,007 --> 00:04:12,699
Because I'm not an issue
of Cosmo, okay?
114
00:04:12,747 --> 00:04:14,305
I'm your mother
and a doctor, and...
115
00:04:14,353 --> 00:04:15,448
I'm hideous!
116
00:04:16,948 --> 00:04:18,314
Geez.
What's with her?
117
00:04:18,436 --> 00:04:20,042
Teenage-girl stuff.
118
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:23,180
Is that a...
hoof collage?
119
00:04:23,267 --> 00:04:25,850
It's perfectly legal, if that's
what you're wondering.
120
00:04:26,311 --> 00:04:28,757
Cool... zies.
121
00:04:29,052 --> 00:04:31,814
"We just don't have anything
in common any more, Summer."
122
00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:33,071
Oh, yeah, Ethan?
123
00:04:33,184 --> 00:04:35,113
What do you have in common
with Tricia Lange?
124
00:04:35,186 --> 00:04:37,193
A mutual love
of French cinema?
125
00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:38,617
The belief
that a carbon tax
126
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,135
is the only viable solution
to climate change?
127
00:04:41,346 --> 00:04:44,648
Or could it be
her massive stripper titties?!
128
00:04:45,361 --> 00:04:46,645
There it is.
129
00:04:48,132 --> 00:04:49,265
Boob-ya!
130
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,320
And that's when
Malakai the Squid came,
131
00:04:51,408 --> 00:04:56,365
rips off his face,
and beneath it is my face.
132
00:04:57,136 --> 00:04:59,003
I liked it.
Thank you, sir.
133
00:04:59,051 --> 00:05:00,498
Yeah, of course he likes it.
Look at him.
134
00:05:00,545 --> 00:05:02,459
Mother got two heads
and three trunks.
135
00:05:02,507 --> 00:05:03,817
All right,
we'll put a pin in it.
136
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:04,953
I'm gonna
go take a leak.
137
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:14,817
What the...?!
138
00:05:21,514 --> 00:05:23,247
My hands are dry!
My hands are dry!
139
00:05:23,334 --> 00:05:26,201
140
00:05:26,516 --> 00:05:28,383
My name is
Risotto Groupon.
141
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:31,027
I am the assistant general
manager of the restaurant.
142
00:05:31,075 --> 00:05:32,397
Do you have
any comment cards,
143
00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:33,985
because I might have
some thoughts.
144
00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,782
My kingdom was
usurped by force
145
00:05:36,847 --> 00:05:38,180
with weapons
and technology
146
00:05:38,228 --> 00:05:40,151
supplied by
your father-in-law!
147
00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:42,614
Hey, he usurped
my kingdom, too, man.
148
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:45,208
He basically got me kicked out
of my home, stole my family.
149
00:05:45,256 --> 00:05:47,477
Then we are brothers,
and you have wondered
150
00:05:47,572 --> 00:05:49,496
what your life could have been
without Rick.
151
00:05:49,544 --> 00:05:50,623
Wondered? Sure.
152
00:05:50,671 --> 00:05:52,950
I mean, I've wondered
about having a vagina.
153
00:05:53,017 --> 00:05:54,262
Would you help me
kill him?
154
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:55,540
What? No!
155
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:57,421
He's my wife's father.
Move on.
156
00:05:57,564 --> 00:05:59,598
Do you...
like theme-park rides?
157
00:05:59,658 --> 00:06:01,062
Oh, you really moved on.
158
00:06:01,205 --> 00:06:05,274
There is a popular attraction
here called the Whirly Dirly.
159
00:06:05,443 --> 00:06:08,210
Between the first whirly
and the third dirly,
160
00:06:08,309 --> 00:06:10,858
the ride dips just outside
the immortality field.
161
00:06:11,155 --> 00:06:13,583
You're asking me to lure Rick
to his death?
162
00:06:13,662 --> 00:06:16,302
I'm only asking you
to go on a ride with Rick,
163
00:06:16,350 --> 00:06:19,566
get off the ride without Rick,
and go home to your family,
164
00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,823
where you can...
wonder about having a vagina.
165
00:06:21,871 --> 00:06:23,842
Okay, okay, that was
a very specific example
166
00:06:23,890 --> 00:06:24,921
pulled from thin air.
167
00:06:24,969 --> 00:06:26,708
I don't want to be known
as the vagina guy.
168
00:06:26,756 --> 00:06:28,979
Risotto, you're needed.
Someone ordered
169
00:06:29,027 --> 00:06:31,132
the Nuzzy Guzzy Fresh
and Fluzzy Special.
170
00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:33,947
Look, I'm not like Rick,
171
00:06:34,069 --> 00:06:36,272
so you're free to do
as you please.
172
00:06:36,450 --> 00:06:38,419
But there comes a time
in every man's life
173
00:06:38,546 --> 00:06:40,452
when he must choose
the foundation
174
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,378
on which his legacy
will be built...
175
00:06:42,453 --> 00:06:45,711
One of compromise
or one of blood.
176
00:06:48,085 --> 00:06:52,354
Once a time of
year, there's a special person here
177
00:06:59,159 --> 00:07:00,878
Oh, yeah.
178
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,072
That's what I'm talking about.
179
00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:08,084
Oops! Okay, a little more
on the other side then.
180
00:07:08,144 --> 00:07:09,429
Oh, come on!
181
00:07:09,715 --> 00:07:10,850
Oh, geez!
182
00:07:10,993 --> 00:07:12,659
Aah! Stop!
183
00:07:13,425 --> 00:07:16,245
So, the hospital just let you
walk right out of there
184
00:07:16,314 --> 00:07:17,564
with horse parts
in a bag?
185
00:07:17,612 --> 00:07:18,627
For Christ's sakes,
Morty,
186
00:07:18,675 --> 00:07:20,924
women going through
a divorce need a creative outlet.
187
00:07:21,393 --> 00:07:22,733
What was that?
188
00:07:24,913 --> 00:07:26,121
Summer!
189
00:07:28,522 --> 00:07:30,088
I'm coming, Summer!
190
00:07:31,805 --> 00:07:33,204
What the hell
happened?!
191
00:07:37,162 --> 00:07:38,482
How do we get her
back to normal?!
192
00:07:38,536 --> 00:07:40,960
I don't know, man! This thing is
pretty complicated.
193
00:07:41,008 --> 00:07:42,340
I-I'm gonna call Rick.
194
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,431
Well, hold on.
We can't just call your grandpa
195
00:07:44,494 --> 00:07:45,795
whenever
there's a problem.
196
00:07:45,843 --> 00:07:47,409
We can handle this
ourselves.
197
00:07:47,712 --> 00:07:49,567
I mean, I don't see the point
in trying to.
198
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,058
This is obviously
Rick-level
199
00:07:51,105 --> 00:07:52,738
I have
a medical degree.
200
00:07:52,796 --> 00:07:54,149
Is that
what this is about?
201
00:07:54,197 --> 00:07:55,885
L-Like, you want
to prove yourself?
202
00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,987
Oh, it's not about anything, Morty.
How dare you?
203
00:07:58,035 --> 00:07:59,542
Okay, good.
Then I'll just call... Ow!
204
00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,094
Morty, I need this.
205
00:08:02,540 --> 00:08:04,684
Hey, Jerry, triple trunks here
says he knows a place
206
00:08:04,732 --> 00:08:06,717
where the ladies drop panties
for anyone bi-pedal.
207
00:08:06,765 --> 00:08:08,030
Yeah, I'm
not really interested.
208
00:08:08,165 --> 00:08:09,749
My heart still belongs
to Beth.
209
00:08:09,797 --> 00:08:11,419
Oh. Huh. Okay.
210
00:08:12,537 --> 00:08:14,317
What, you don't think
I have a shot?
211
00:08:14,389 --> 00:08:15,489
I didn't say that.
212
00:08:15,540 --> 00:08:17,627
Excuse me.
May I have another one of these?
213
00:08:17,675 --> 00:08:18,861
Coming
right up.
214
00:08:19,090 --> 00:08:21,800
Hmm, things weren't always
so bad between Beth and me.
215
00:08:21,848 --> 00:08:23,700
We had some good times
when we were younger.
216
00:08:23,782 --> 00:08:24,917
Oh, yeah, I bet.
217
00:08:24,965 --> 00:08:26,846
That's how teenage pregnancy
happens, my friend.
218
00:08:26,918 --> 00:08:28,164
Yeah, no.
219
00:08:28,306 --> 00:08:30,757
Things were pretty great, even
until a couple of years ago.
220
00:08:30,805 --> 00:08:32,519
- Jerry, I get it.
- That's around the time
221
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,720
I moved in with you guys.
222
00:08:33,768 --> 00:08:35,013
Oh, I guess
you're right.
223
00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:36,858
Jerry, you know,
I hope you're not suggesting
224
00:08:36,906 --> 00:08:38,756
that I had anything to do
with your marriage breaking up,
225
00:08:38,803 --> 00:08:41,521
because there are some major
issues between you and Beth
226
00:08:41,569 --> 00:08:43,386
that have been there
since you guys met.
227
00:08:43,434 --> 00:08:44,675
228
00:08:44,823 --> 00:08:47,050
Hey, to
new beginnings.
229
00:08:47,988 --> 00:08:49,426
To the Whirly Dirly.
230
00:08:49,474 --> 00:08:50,967
The Whirly Dirly?
231
00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:53,530
All right,
what's going on here?
232
00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:55,289
When did you get cool?!
233
00:08:56,512 --> 00:08:57,712
When you stole my wife!
234
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,054
I should have done that
a long time ago!
235
00:08:59,101 --> 00:09:00,740
We're going on
the Whirly Dirly!
236
00:09:00,788 --> 00:09:02,354
Whirly Dirly, baby.
237
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:05,458
Aha, look at this.
238
00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:06,723
It says "normalize."
239
00:09:06,791 --> 00:09:08,271
I bet if we
just press that...
240
00:09:08,358 --> 00:09:10,417
But... if the machine was made
by spider people,
241
00:09:10,465 --> 00:09:12,120
normal would mean
eight legs.
242
00:09:12,175 --> 00:09:14,015
Oh, God! are you gonna
go on another spiel
243
00:09:14,098 --> 00:09:15,874
like you did
with the flesh-colored crayon?
244
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:18,323
I'm pretty sure "normalize"
will make her normal.
245
00:09:19,986 --> 00:09:21,811
Aah!
246
00:09:22,493 --> 00:09:23,852
I'd call that progress.
247
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,338
- She's huge!
- And normal!
248
00:09:25,386 --> 00:09:27,118
I'm not normal!
249
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,358
- Mom!
- Okay, this says reverse."
250
00:09:28,405 --> 00:09:30,344
- Done and done.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
251
00:09:30,391 --> 00:09:32,789
Oh, come on! What else
could "reverse" possibly mean?
252
00:09:34,481 --> 00:09:35,623
Aah!
253
00:09:35,872 --> 00:09:37,745
Mom, call Rick!
254
00:09:37,859 --> 00:09:39,292
Thank you.
255
00:09:39,390 --> 00:09:40,701
There's a customer-service
number on here.
256
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,014
Mom!
257
00:09:46,297 --> 00:09:48,497
Oh, man.
This is gonna be awesome!
258
00:09:48,605 --> 00:09:51,083
I got to hand it to you, Jerry.
This was a solid idea.
259
00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:52,401
Uh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
260
00:09:52,449 --> 00:09:54,341
And you know what?
I'll cop to it.
261
00:09:54,405 --> 00:09:55,905
I put a lot of strain
on your marriage.
262
00:09:55,952 --> 00:09:57,962
It wasn't fair.
I'm sorry.
263
00:09:58,010 --> 00:09:59,642
What?! I didn't respect
your marriage.
264
00:09:59,701 --> 00:10:01,176
I certainly
didn't do it any favors.
265
00:10:01,224 --> 00:10:02,338
And for what it's worth,
266
00:10:02,386 --> 00:10:04,476
I'll apologize to Beth for it
when we get home.
267
00:10:04,524 --> 00:10:07,163
Whoo! Whirly Dirly! Yeah!
268
00:10:07,236 --> 00:10:08,917
Stop the ride!
We got to get off.
269
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,005
What are you
talking about, buddy?
270
00:10:10,052 --> 00:10:11,823
We got to get out of this thing.
We got to get out!
271
00:10:12,355 --> 00:10:13,573
Jerry, come on, man!
272
00:10:13,624 --> 00:10:15,112
We haven't even gotten
to the first whirly.
273
00:10:15,159 --> 00:10:17,362
No, no, this sucks.
It's so boring.
274
00:10:17,461 --> 00:10:18,920
I mean,
I'm falling asleep here.
275
00:10:18,996 --> 00:10:20,359
Let's just get out and crawl
down the sides.
276
00:10:29,766 --> 00:10:31,505
Uh, get down!
Duck down!
277
00:10:31,575 --> 00:10:33,075
It's more fun
when you scrunch down.
278
00:10:33,123 --> 00:10:34,620
Jerry, what the...
279
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,956
Oh
280
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,585
Rick, up here! There's
a spot where you can kill him!
281
00:10:56,044 --> 00:10:58,856
Good call, Jerry!
282
00:10:59,288 --> 00:11:00,821
Hey, how'd you know
about that?
283
00:11:00,871 --> 00:11:02,327
Uh...
284
00:11:18,284 --> 00:11:19,488
Lisa?
285
00:11:25,395 --> 00:11:30,167
So, uh, Jerry, big fan
of the Whirly Dirly, are you?
286
00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:32,388
Not anymore.
Obviously.
287
00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:35,270
But when you were,
how did you know about it?
288
00:11:38,111 --> 00:11:42,013
We had a deal,
Jerry Smith.
289
00:11:43,474 --> 00:11:46,642
It's a really
common name.
290
00:11:47,305 --> 00:11:48,561
Now, take it easy, Rick.
291
00:11:48,609 --> 00:11:51,116
You've been in a serious
roller-coaster crash.
292
00:11:51,222 --> 00:11:52,890
It's... It's no time
to be thinking about
293
00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:55,568
who did or didn't play a role
in your attempted murder.
294
00:11:56,028 --> 00:11:57,070
Get it off me!
295
00:11:57,118 --> 00:11:58,174
It's eating me!
296
00:11:58,222 --> 00:11:59,699
Look, I confess, okay?
297
00:11:59,747 --> 00:12:01,661
They told me about all the
bad stuff you did to this planet
298
00:12:01,708 --> 00:12:03,587
and reminded me of all
the bad stuff you did to me.
299
00:12:03,634 --> 00:12:05,205
But then you said
you were sorry, and I realized
300
00:12:05,252 --> 00:12:06,840
you're not a monster...
Not like this thing.
301
00:12:06,983 --> 00:12:08,183
It's got me good.
302
00:12:08,231 --> 00:12:09,464
This is a mislead,
right?
303
00:12:09,512 --> 00:12:11,312
You're inventing a thing
to save me.
304
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,627
That would be called
a knife, Jerry.
305
00:12:12,674 --> 00:12:13,717
It's been invented.
306
00:12:13,765 --> 00:12:15,979
I'm making a way out of here...
One seat ought to do it.
307
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:17,718
I'm sorry.
I-I made a mistake.
308
00:12:17,766 --> 00:12:20,134
- I won't do it again!
- Nobody ever does.
309
00:12:22,190 --> 00:12:24,319
You self-righteous
piece of
310
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:25,628
You took my family!
311
00:12:25,676 --> 00:12:27,195
I took your family?
312
00:12:27,243 --> 00:12:28,857
Who do you think
had more taken from them
313
00:12:28,905 --> 00:12:30,078
when you shot 20 ccs
314
00:12:30,127 --> 00:12:31,994
of liquid dream-killer
into my daughter?
315
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,131
She was Rick's daughter, Jerry.
She had options!
316
00:12:35,234 --> 00:12:36,331
- Oof.
- That all ended
317
00:12:36,379 --> 00:12:38,220
because she felt sorry for you.
318
00:12:38,287 --> 00:12:40,345
You act like prey,
but you're a predator!
319
00:12:40,404 --> 00:12:42,137
You use pity to lure in
your victims!
320
00:12:42,187 --> 00:12:43,268
That's how you survive!
321
00:12:43,316 --> 00:12:44,911
I survive
because I know everything.
322
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:47,047
That snakes survives
because children wander off,
323
00:12:47,095 --> 00:12:48,675
and you survive
because people think,
324
00:12:48,723 --> 00:12:51,067
"Oh, this poor piece of.
He never gets a break.
325
00:12:51,115 --> 00:12:52,902
I can't stand
the deafening silent wails
326
00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:54,175
of his wilting soul.
327
00:12:54,223 --> 00:12:55,955
I guess I'll hire him
or marry him."
328
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:59,164
- Rick!
- Rick!
329
00:13:05,129 --> 00:13:06,595
I knew you wouldn't
let me die.
330
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:07,979
That was never an option.
331
00:13:08,032 --> 00:13:09,416
Because you never had
a son.
332
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,139
No, because I need
a living organism
333
00:13:11,211 --> 00:13:13,936
coated in gibble snake bile
to attract a shmooglite runner.
334
00:13:14,004 --> 00:13:16,209
Wait, what's happening? Use
that confusion, Jerry.
335
00:13:16,264 --> 00:13:18,839
It'll make you wriggle more like
an abandoned newborn.
336
00:13:19,191 --> 00:13:21,542
Jesus Christ!
337
00:13:21,590 --> 00:13:24,591
What the Rick?!
338
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,396
Help!
Help me!
339
00:13:28,981 --> 00:13:30,448
Aaah!
340
00:13:39,423 --> 00:13:41,463
There's a space port
20 miles south.
341
00:13:41,533 --> 00:13:43,838
We'll be able to board
a galaxy class cruise ship
342
00:13:43,886 --> 00:13:45,175
and jump through a wormhole
that will put us
343
00:13:45,222 --> 00:13:47,492
within spitting distance
of the Milky Way.
344
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,105
But, hey,
it's about the journey,
345
00:13:49,153 --> 00:13:50,960
not the destination,
right, Jerry?
346
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,960
Just stay put, sweetie!
Mom's still on hold.
347
00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:59,441
Morphizer customer service.
How may I help you?
348
00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:01,817
Yes, I'm having a little trouble
with one of your machines.
349
00:14:01,865 --> 00:14:03,152
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, ma'am.
350
00:14:03,199 --> 00:14:05,988
Do you see a little compartment
on the side of the machine?
351
00:14:06,036 --> 00:14:08,347
Let me check.
Yes, got it.
352
00:14:08,413 --> 00:14:09,659
- Mom?
- Great! Now,
353
00:14:09,707 --> 00:14:11,748
do you see
the little button next to it?
354
00:14:11,889 --> 00:14:13,372
I do. Give that button a push.
355
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:15,046
Okay.
Mom, listen to me!
356
00:14:15,099 --> 00:14:17,328
We're free!!
357
00:14:17,401 --> 00:14:20,213
Okay, so I pushed the button,
and three little men ran out.
358
00:14:20,271 --> 00:14:21,675
What do I do next?
359
00:14:21,877 --> 00:14:23,243
Hello?
360
00:14:23,339 --> 00:14:24,552
I think
we got disconnected.
361
00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:26,672
- Morty!
- Don't "Morty" me!
362
00:14:26,734 --> 00:14:28,760
I tricked Rick into taking Dad
on an adventure
363
00:14:28,808 --> 00:14:29,846
because I thought
I could get a break
364
00:14:29,893 --> 00:14:31,567
from this kind of
but no!
365
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:33,806
Like father,
like damn daughter!
366
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,984
You want to be like Rick,
congratulations!
367
00:14:36,048 --> 00:14:38,939
You're just as arrogant
and just as irresponsible!
368
00:14:38,987 --> 00:14:40,218
Everything
okay here?
369
00:14:40,274 --> 00:14:42,069
Mind your own damn
business, Gene!
370
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,627
I'm having a conversation
with my mother here!
371
00:14:44,795 --> 00:14:46,963
Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna
help him keep him around,
372
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:49,711
Mom, but it will help you lose
everyone else.
373
00:14:49,759 --> 00:14:51,592
Like I lost Summer.
374
00:14:51,647 --> 00:14:53,347
Hey, you haven't
lost her yet.
375
00:14:53,437 --> 00:14:55,404
No, I definitely did.
She's gone.
376
00:14:55,457 --> 00:14:56,814
God damn it!
377
00:14:59,410 --> 00:15:00,442
Go ahead.
378
00:15:02,513 --> 00:15:04,100
Oh, come on.
What's happening?
379
00:15:04,148 --> 00:15:07,198
Your friend is class C or above
cybernetic augmentations.
380
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,708
Emphasis on the above.
381
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,327
In any case,
he needs to be neutralized.
382
00:15:10,374 --> 00:15:11,553
What?! Wait!
383
00:15:11,601 --> 00:15:12,667
Ugh!
384
00:15:13,586 --> 00:15:14,777
Brain hurty.
385
00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:15,994
What did you do?
386
00:15:16,060 --> 00:15:18,172
It's a synaptic dampener
that blocks violent tendencies
387
00:15:18,219 --> 00:15:19,570
and controversial thought.
388
00:15:19,673 --> 00:15:21,499
He will now be
an ideal passenger.
389
00:15:21,565 --> 00:15:23,915
I want cookies
and a 90-minute cut of "Avatar."
390
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,367
Seriously?
391
00:15:25,415 --> 00:15:27,403
- Quit it.
- It'll wear off in six hours.
392
00:15:27,451 --> 00:15:29,838
It's cheaper than banning
dangerous people from flights.
393
00:15:29,914 --> 00:15:31,687
I mean, let everybody
buy a ticket, right?
394
00:15:31,766 --> 00:15:33,442
Otherwise,
the terrorists win.
395
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:37,126
396
00:15:37,948 --> 00:15:39,143
Aah!
397
00:15:39,249 --> 00:15:41,850
I'm sorry I'm not
a classic maternal archetype.
398
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:43,761
Okay, I don't know what to do
when you people come to me
399
00:15:43,808 --> 00:15:45,468
with your weird
puberty issues.
400
00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:47,735
What are you gonna do
when your daughter asks you
401
00:15:47,783 --> 00:15:48,814
if she's attractive?
402
00:15:48,862 --> 00:15:50,871
I'll say "yes"!
Morty, gross!
403
00:15:50,919 --> 00:15:52,952
Well, she's
gonna be super hot.
404
00:15:53,095 --> 00:15:54,217
Her mother's gonna be
Jessica...
405
00:15:54,264 --> 00:15:55,999
Wait, when did Summer
ask you that?!
406
00:15:56,078 --> 00:15:58,266
Right before she Clive Barkered
herself. Why?
407
00:15:58,414 --> 00:15:59,801
Wait,
I know where she is!
408
00:15:59,884 --> 00:16:01,791
Ethan and Summer were
supposed to go camping,
409
00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:03,927
and then he dumped Summer
for this girl, Tricia Lange,
410
00:16:03,974 --> 00:16:06,026
who's got huge boobies
and took her.
411
00:16:06,102 --> 00:16:08,268
Campsite... The one with the
name that sounds like somebody
412
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:10,449
gave up halfway
through naming it.
413
00:16:10,609 --> 00:16:11,980
Uh... Camp Flabanabba!
414
00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:13,548
Mama's coming, baby.
415
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:16,393
Mama's coming, and she cares
about your titties!
416
00:16:16,916 --> 00:16:19,095
They have
sweet smiggle honey cookies.
417
00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:22,393
Mmm! And low-calorie
petroleum flakes.
418
00:16:22,441 --> 00:16:23,674
Obviously cookies.
419
00:16:23,761 --> 00:16:24,960
Let's get you
the flakes then.
420
00:16:25,008 --> 00:16:26,682
Okay, but it's not
what I wanted.
421
00:16:26,761 --> 00:16:27,930
Well, maybe next time,
you won't be
422
00:16:27,977 --> 00:16:30,253
such a dumb piece of
and you can pick for yourself.
423
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:31,620
- That's not nice.
- What's that?
424
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:33,515
Did you just have
a controversial thought?
425
00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:35,237
No. That's what I
thought, bitch.
426
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:37,186
You little punk-ass.
427
00:16:37,899 --> 00:16:38,940
This is the best.
428
00:16:38,988 --> 00:16:41,301
I agree.
You've made things even easier
429
00:16:41,378 --> 00:16:42,778
than if you hadn't
been incompetent.
430
00:16:42,846 --> 00:16:44,765
Uh-oh.
We get shoot-shoot now.
431
00:16:44,848 --> 00:16:47,013
432
00:16:47,151 --> 00:16:48,905
All right, folks, if you
could please take your seats,
433
00:16:48,952 --> 00:16:50,430
we're about to enter
the wormhole.
434
00:16:50,478 --> 00:16:53,297
So, I hope everybody bought
a dinner first.
435
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,471
Nice. Nice.
436
00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:55,879
Jerry, step over there
437
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,207
and lock yourself
in the escape pod.
438
00:16:57,254 --> 00:16:58,908
You're not killing us?
I'm killing Rick.
439
00:16:58,962 --> 00:17:01,505
You're free to go. You're
no threat to me or anyone.
440
00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:02,899
Now you're
just being mean.
441
00:17:02,947 --> 00:17:04,520
Yeah, you're mean...
No offense.
442
00:17:04,568 --> 00:17:06,161
Mean would be
shooting you, Jerry.
443
00:17:06,209 --> 00:17:07,432
This is
saving a bullet.
444
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:09,225
Go back to
your quietly ashamed family
445
00:17:09,273 --> 00:17:10,642
and live out
the rest of your days
446
00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,445
in denial
of your vagina fantasies.
447
00:17:12,492 --> 00:17:15,177
It was a one-time thought
that everyone has!
448
00:17:17,039 --> 00:17:18,046
What are you doing?
449
00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:20,115
I'm being
triumphantly brave!
450
00:17:20,163 --> 00:17:21,762
It's not triumphant
or brave.
451
00:17:21,810 --> 00:17:22,997
You're not risking
anything.
452
00:17:23,045 --> 00:17:24,133
You might shoot me.
453
00:17:24,181 --> 00:17:25,349
I think
you know I won't.
454
00:17:25,397 --> 00:17:26,772
Because you know
I feel sorry for you.
455
00:17:26,819 --> 00:17:28,545
You're just doing this
so you can tell yourself
456
00:17:28,592 --> 00:17:29,933
you fought... Ow!
457
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:32,902
Temporal shield compromised.
458
00:17:32,959 --> 00:17:35,560
Congratulations, Jerry.
You get to die a man.
459
00:17:35,608 --> 00:17:37,074
Uh, that's okay!
I'll leave!
460
00:17:37,134 --> 00:17:39,894
Please don't shoot.
I-I'm the vagina guy, remember?
461
00:17:39,991 --> 00:17:43,771
462
00:17:44,217 --> 00:17:48,173
Whoa!
What is happening to me?
463
00:17:48,258 --> 00:17:50,258
Where is this?
Where am I?
464
00:17:50,325 --> 00:17:51,590
Am I dead?
465
00:17:51,648 --> 00:17:52,955
A-Am I... Am I still alive?
466
00:17:53,003 --> 00:17:55,671
Those aren't the questions
you should be asking.
467
00:17:55,773 --> 00:17:56,805
Huh?!
468
00:17:56,887 --> 00:17:58,197
Shh!
469
00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:22,422
Ah, got ya!
470
00:18:22,470 --> 00:18:24,066
Come here,
you little pumpkin.
471
00:18:24,179 --> 00:18:26,469
I have shit on my ass.
472
00:18:26,917 --> 00:18:28,416
Whoa, oof this!
473
00:18:28,537 --> 00:18:29,777
Who am I?
474
00:18:29,987 --> 00:18:31,240
Who am I?
475
00:18:31,288 --> 00:18:34,423
I'm time!
I'm literally time!
476
00:18:34,625 --> 00:18:39,526
Whooooa!
477
00:18:39,748 --> 00:18:40,933
Aah!
478
00:18:41,285 --> 00:18:44,466
Oh, God. I feel like
our souls were united,
479
00:18:44,514 --> 00:18:46,206
and we were all one
with eternity.
480
00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:47,565
Our body's unchanged,
481
00:18:47,613 --> 00:18:50,147
yet our minds have lived
a thousand lifetimes.
482
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:52,244
Is that enough time
for me to forgive you?
483
00:18:52,292 --> 00:18:53,497
I don't know,
but it's enough time
484
00:18:53,544 --> 00:18:55,383
for a synaptic dampener
to wear off.
485
00:18:59,741 --> 00:19:02,148
He hadn't decided
he was still going to kill us!
486
00:19:02,196 --> 00:19:04,332
He was talking himself into it.
I've seen it before.
487
00:19:04,404 --> 00:19:06,922
Cosmic apotheosis wears off
faster than salvia.
488
00:19:06,970 --> 00:19:09,091
I'm starting to believe you
because I just finished merging
489
00:19:09,138 --> 00:19:11,013
with your essence
for an endless epoch,
490
00:19:11,061 --> 00:19:13,170
and I'm already back to thinking
you're an asshole.
491
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:15,018
Fine with me.
Let's just go our separate ways.
492
00:19:15,092 --> 00:19:16,565
Sounds like you
and the word "epoch"
493
00:19:16,633 --> 00:19:17,888
have a lot
of catching up to do.
494
00:19:17,936 --> 00:19:19,301
Wait, don't leave me!
495
00:19:19,349 --> 00:19:20,757
All right, folks,
you're free to get up
496
00:19:20,804 --> 00:19:22,252
and walk around the cabin
497
00:19:22,372 --> 00:19:24,391
and maybe take the wormhole out
for breakfast.
498
00:19:24,439 --> 00:19:26,274
Okay, you can do the
dinner one or the breakfast one,
499
00:19:26,322 --> 00:19:27,673
but not both.
500
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:31,592
You think you got that thing
figured out?
501
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:32,773
Yeah, I know
what I'm doing.
502
00:19:32,821 --> 00:19:35,102
Good.
Because I have an idea.
503
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:40,616
It's actually a contraction
of "some" and "more,"
504
00:19:40,691 --> 00:19:41,833
- you see that?
- Oh, wow.
505
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,024
I was way off.
506
00:20:01,111 --> 00:20:02,998
Morty,
what's happening here?
507
00:20:03,046 --> 00:20:04,813
Summer got into
my grandpa's garage,
508
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,113
messed around, and
turned herself into a monster.
509
00:20:07,217 --> 00:20:09,201
My mom did the same
to make her feel better.
510
00:20:09,254 --> 00:20:10,520
She's a good mom.
511
00:20:13,341 --> 00:20:15,876
Oh, my God.
I have to go call my mother!
512
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,338
Tricia, wait!
Ethan! Ethan!
513
00:20:17,457 --> 00:20:19,561
Hey, it's okay.
Sit down.
514
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:21,817
You made
my sister cry, Ethan.
515
00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:23,386
You messed with
her body image.
516
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,599
Look, Morty, I...
517
00:20:24,668 --> 00:20:25,680
Shh, shh, shh.
518
00:20:25,728 --> 00:20:28,675
Careful, Ethan.
Your s'more is burning.
519
00:20:39,457 --> 00:20:41,483
Uh, I guess we better
get on the same page
520
00:20:41,576 --> 00:20:42,871
about our fake adventure.
521
00:20:42,966 --> 00:20:44,199
Right.
I'll make you a deal.
522
00:20:44,308 --> 00:20:45,845
I'll leave out the part
where you tried to murder me...
523
00:20:45,892 --> 00:20:46,916
And I'll leave out
the part
524
00:20:46,963 --> 00:20:49,981
where you admitted
to sabotaging our marriage.
525
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:52,183
You want to...?
526
00:20:52,231 --> 00:20:54,170
Nah, if the family
sees me like this,
527
00:20:54,218 --> 00:20:55,712
they'll
feel sorry for me.
528
00:20:55,766 --> 00:20:58,266
Which is no longer
my signature move.
529
00:20:58,411 --> 00:21:00,268
Later days, amigo.
530
00:21:02,406 --> 00:21:04,851
Actually, I just realized,
I don't have my wallet,
531
00:21:04,899 --> 00:21:06,122
and my bus pass is in there,
so maybe...
532
00:21:06,169 --> 00:21:07,958
Stay strong, Jerry.
I believe in you!
533
00:21:16,904 --> 00:21:20,646
534
00:21:20,693 --> 00:21:24,331
535
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:30,292
536
00:21:30,339 --> 00:21:34,215
537
00:21:34,947 --> 00:21:38,811
538
00:21:38,937 --> 00:21:42,803
539
00:21:43,679 --> 00:21:47,054
540
00:21:48,194 --> 00:21:50,719
I tell you, fellas.
This is the life.
541
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:52,013
It certainly is.
542
00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:53,221
To freedom!
543
00:21:54,657 --> 00:21:56,779
Ooh!
Looks like a 4-22.
544
00:21:56,827 --> 00:21:58,463
Ooh, a couple cranks
on scaling knob
545
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:01,296
with a four dilabyte cross fade
would fix that in a jiff.
546
00:22:01,371 --> 00:22:04,519
Four? You'd be lucky
to clear 13% de-morphized
547
00:22:04,567 --> 00:22:05,590
with that
kind of range.
548
00:22:05,638 --> 00:22:08,603
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
what did we agree on?
549
00:22:08,651 --> 00:22:09,983
No work talk!
550
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,843
Let's just relax and enjoy
our retirement, shall...
551
00:22:12,891 --> 00:22:14,557
Oh, my God!
552
00:22:14,644 --> 00:22:16,132
Aaaaah!
553
00:22:17,805 --> 00:22:19,223
Did you get any of that?
553
00:22:20,305 --> 00:22:26,743
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