Original subtitles

Hey, Sarah. Write something in my yearbook. Okay.

Careful, name it after me.

Hey, Kippy. Look at my picture.

Is all that we

have

Up on the roof, the back porch,

or in the

anywhere you want

We find the strangest places

together.

No matter where if it was

warm,

we

got

We started out on the thirty sixth

Hey guys.

Hey Allison, what are you doing here?

Well

yeah, bike hike.

Oh, no. Miss Woodruff.

Just look around you, girls.

No sign of the despoliation of man.

I wouldn't mind a little despoliation by a man right now.

It is out here,

away from the pollution and the racket of civilization,

that we really see nature's wonderful creatures.

Oh, look, over there, a horny toad.

No wonder out here so far from civilization.

And over there,

that grove of saplings springing from tiny nuts,

they are now erect and growing.

Isn't nature wonderful?

Yes, girls. This really is nature in the raw.

Isn't it spectacular, Michelle?

I don't imagine there's anything quite like this in

France.

Wow. No, miss Woodruff. Nothing quite as spectacular as this.

Yes.

There are things out here that you simply can't see in town.

Up there for instance, those darling woodpeckers,

aren't they something?

He sure is.

He's something. Yes. Never saw that in town. Oh, no. Did that.

Oh,

la, la.

Say, is that a portable radio? No, miss Woodruff.

It's a CB radio.

Oh, a CB. What's that?

Citizen's band.

You can talk to people who have them out in the road and pick up messages.

Oh, that's marvelous. How does it work?

Well, you just press this button here and Breaker one nine.

This is Silver Bullet looking for seat covers.

You got any action, good buddies?

Silver Bullet, this is Piledriver following five junior beavers and a nagging dragon.

You want a piece of that action?

Negatory on the dragon, Pile Driver,

but I like the rest of it.

Hey, good buddy. What's the twenty on them beavers?

Beavers?

What on earth is all that talk about beavers peaches?

Oh, well, there are a lot of,

forest rangers who use this frequency

and, What was all that about a dragon?

Dragon? Oh, dragon.

The beavers were dragging sticks, you know,

to build a dam.

Of course.

Rigor one nine for a beaver. I mean, for a two wheeler.

Mhmm. Baby, this is Pile Driver.

Hey, baby. What's your handle?

My handle?

Eager beaver, good buddy.

Wow.

Did you see the boy back there? What was the boy?

What was the boy?

I'm so tired.

I can't stand it.

You will eat. I didn't think so.

We're gonna have for dinner.

Oh, it's alright, girls.

The gentleman said we could camp here for the night.

Good. I like it here. It'll be nice.

Let's go.

Well, let's go.

Hey, guys. Come on.

Hey. This is for me.

Wow.

Come on. Wake up.

You can't lose if you give it away.

You can't lose when you live for today.

You know it's more exciting when you're young.

Don't have to give your heart to the first

one.

You can't lose when your heart's full of joy.

You can't lose when you've got the right boy.

And there's so many boys for you to choose.

You can't lose.

You can't

lose.

You can't lose when you wear just a smile.

You can't lose never goes up.

Around the corner or just down the street,

you could meet a deep sea diver on the sea.

You can't lose.

You can't lose.

You can't

lose at

all.

God, I'm horny. Me too. What in the hell are we doing out here?

Yeah. Eight months locked up in an all girl school.

Then we go and tack on another two weeks on an all girl biking tour.

It was Woodchip, the virgin surgeon,

the biology department, the chaperone.

Or what I wouldn't give to be bawling in the back seat at a

drive in right now.

It's been a long dry spell.

I'll say it's been a long time.

Yeah. Sure has. Yeah.

Soon as I say.

Yeah. Hey, Allison.

How long has it been for you?

Oh, about eighteen years. You were still a virgin?

Oh, dear.

Hey, you guys. She's a maidenhead.

Good method of birth control, Allison.

Fifteen years old and never been shtuked.

Me too.

Rosie.

And me. Well, Sarah?

Oh, alright.

Me too. Isn't it awful?

It's humiliating. Get the stroff. It's unbelievable.

How could five girls like us Clever, talented, beautiful, stuck.

The point is, we gotta do something about it, and fast.

We're going to college this fall. Yeah.

All those divine college guys.

We have so much saver fare,

So much experience.

How are we gonna compete with them if we're still urgent?

He's gotta do something and fast. But how?

To sprawl for the first creep who comes along?

Of course not. We're Cherry Hill girls.

When we do it, it'll be original.

Wait. That's it. We'll have a contest.

A contest?

Yes. To see who can lose it in the most original way.

Oh.

Look at the good idea.

I don't know if that's the best idea. We're going to do it.

Wait.

We've got a problem.

Oh, yeah. Miss Woodruff, the virgin surgeon. Mhmm.

She's so repressed.

She covers up all the road signs that say yield.

She's reeled her charity to the medical school for a transplant.

She's so cold her gynecologist gets frostbite.

Turn her around. We'll be lucky if we get eaten by mosquitoes.

Oh, stop. You're turning me on.

We will have to drag her. Tie her up.

Taper mouth, blindfold her eyes.

I post a twenty four hour amped gadge.

Well, nobody said it was going to be easy.

Hello, miss Woodruff. Good morning. Good morning. Hi.

Good morning, girls. Gee.

Do you think one of us should thank that nice farmer for his hospitality,

or do you suppose he's already started his plowing?

I took care of that last night, dear.

Well, we're all ready to go. What's our plan for today?

Where are we going?

Well, first I'd better scout up ahead and cover up all the yield

signs on the highway.

Oh, miss Woodruff. Oh, I'm really sorry, miss Woodruff.

I I didn't mean it.

Oh, dear.

Oh, sorry, miss Woodruff.

We didn't mean it. Joe.

Girls, I'm gonna have to talk to you very seriously.

You know, I'm not one to eavesdrop,

but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation last night.

And I must say, I could hardly believe my ears.

It's made me seriously reconsider the manner in which

we shall have to conduct this trip.

I can see I'm gonna have to take you girls firmly in hand.

You need to be taught a lesson, and it's up to me to teach you.

Girls of your age and your opportunities,

I'm shocked,

shocked to discover that all of you are still virgins.

Oh.

Oh.

Where'd you lose yours, miss Woodruff?

At the first Beatles concert at Shea Stadium.

Gosh. Are you that old?

Well, alright, girls. Oh.

Let's talk about the ground rules.

Now we've got two weeks on this trip, so that's the time limit.

Any deflowering after that is disqualified,

even if it was the President of the United States.

What's so original about that?

And two, nothing uncorroborated.

If somebody comes in here saying they've just made it

with Evel Knievel on a motorcycle jumping the Long

Island Sound, they better have witnesses.

Witness? Yeah. What? What? What? Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Damn.

Oh, well, it is a counter.

But, of course, every scientific experiment needs witnesses.

Well, I always perform better before an Audi. Oh.

Oh, you have her. She's so cute.

She can't judge.

Okay.

You guys, I guess that's it.

Everybody shake hands and come out humping.

Cherry eel. Cherry eel. Will we do it? Yes. We will.

We're the girls who got it it, mates of con girls, and

let's

get

laid.

Remember, originality and flair.

Don't worry about me. I do everything with flair.

You.

You'd be a pushover for the first boy who fell out of the blue.

I would not. Cut it out.

No fighting.

None of us are going to go falling for the first boy who

drops out of the blue.

Did you like that? Where's his telephone pole?

That's That's really so big. Oh, gosh.

I didn't see that.

My name's Larry. What's yours?

You'll never need to know.

Are you a baloney?

A baloney. The one and only.

And you?

My name's Kippy. Hey.

Are you really gonna battle a shark tomorrow?

Uh-huh.

Wow.

Where?

Hey, can I have a look?

Come on.

Hey, Kippy, the Frisbee.

Hey, Abalone. You ever battle anything besides sharks?

Could be.

You handle anything else the way you handle that Frisbee?

I'm good with my hands.

With my legs too. I keep in shape.

Yeah?

You ever done it underwater in a cage with a shark?

Done it with a shark?

No. I mean, with a man. The same tank as a shark.

Oh, no. Not exactly.

But it might be

amusing.

Golly. He's incredible.

You're not so bad just self, kid.

Are you sure this is safe?

Don't worry about a thing, kid. The old fixer was on.

What do you mean?

It's a setup. I slipped in my face.

Isn't he a real shark?

Hustler? Sure.

We're old buddies. I raised him from a pup.

Why do you call him hustler?

I raised him in a pool. He's a pool shark.

Doesn't he mind being all alone like that?

Nah. He's a loan shark.

Hey. You didn't shave.

I never shaved before a match.

One little nick and it's goodbye abalone.

What do you mean?

Blood.

Husserl got a whiff of that blood when I was in there with

him, he'd tear me apart.

But what about the big match to the death tomorrow?

But when have you draw blood then?

I told you, kid, to waltz.

I get down there with a knife.

We wrestle around a little bit,

and I break open a bag of cocktail sauce and bam,

the lights go out.

Oh.

Say, kid.

What do you like in a sack anyway? You a real tiger?

Why? Are you afraid Hustler would get jealous?

Is he a tiger shark?

You can can the jokes, kid.

I just wanna know what you're like when we get down to it.

Well,

I'm a real animal.

Yep. When I get turned on, I just let go.

Yeah.

Hey. That's great, kid.

Well, listen.

I,

I don't want you getting carried away down there.

None of this biting, scratching, drawing blood.

You dig?

Oh, yeah. Hustler.

Yeah. Right.

Well,

I guess if we're gonna do it, let's do it.

Say, do you think Abalone knows Kippy is a virgin?

Of course he doesn't.

Why? Well, you heard what he said about the shock and blood.

My god. You're right. What do we do?

Not much now.

You made it. How was it, obviously? Kippy? Yay.

I'm not. I wish you lucked in Kippy.

Kippy, that was a great opening to a great contest.

Breaker one nine for a beaver on a two wheeler.

You You got a beaver. Is this Piledriver?

It's a big ten four eager beaver.

Hey.

Are you coming back of me?

Oh. Mhmm.

Sure looks like she is to me.

Breaker one nine, eager beaver.

Eager beaver.

Eager beaver. Eager beaver.

Oh.

Oh.

Does that count?

I don't think that should count.

Well, I don't know.

It was original, and it was pretty sexy.

It is not so original in Paris,

but sexy?

Oh la la.

Sexy or not, the question is,

does that count for the contest?

I mean, technically.

What did you do exactly, Peaches?

How about it, miss Woodruff?

Is Peaches still a virgin or has she crossed the great divide?

It's rather an existential point.

True, she was not deflowered in the traditional classic sense by a man,

but virginity is as much a state of mind as a state of

body, and therefore, I think she qualifies.

But I'm only giving her a four point eight.

I'll give her a six point nine for trying so hard.

And I'll give her a seven point five because that was terrific.

Anyone know what the weather report is?

I'll call and find out.

Good morning. The forecast is sunny, warm, and available.

Larry?

At the tone, it'll be time to make a date with me downtown.

Where are you?

Oh, Larry.

Now about that date.

Oh, alright.

I'll meet you in town, but it won't do you any good.

Hey. What's taking her so long?

Well, what's it gonna be? Available.

What?

Nothing.

Let's take a left here and go on into town.

Come on. Hey.

You made a date with that telephone lineman guy, didn't you?

Well A telephone lineman?

Oh, Addison, that's not there. We're rich, isn't it?

You. Oh, Allison, and you can do better than that.

Yeah.

Come on.

That's pathetic. Larry. Larry.

You decided to have a contest.

So that's how it is, Laurie.

I never thought I'd be telling you this,

but I I guess I like you too much to lie to you.

I never thought I'd be saying anything like this to a boy I liked either.

I guess you think I'm pretty awful.

I don't want to let down the other girls.

They well, it means a lot to me.

You understand, don't you?

Well, sure. I understand. They kinda respect you.

You just don't walk out on that kind of commitment.

Besides, it'll be a hell of a lot of fun.

You're darn right it will.

So you are from the town?

Yes. Just a local small town lad.

Ah, typical American. We are just passing through.

Oh, I hope you find our little town diverting.

Well, we need to place the camp over for Z Knight.

Do you know of some place?

Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I know a charming spot.

A lovely, deserted old mansion just outside of town.

The grounds are wonderfully accommodating.

And Yes?

They say it's haunted.

Haunted?

Is this the place?

He said it was supposed to be haunted.

This is the place.

And his ghost still walks at midnight when the moon is full,

wandering heartbroken through the empty castle,

searching for his lost bride.

I think that's enough ghost stories for tonight.

We'll all be too scared to sleep, if we aren't already.

I'm surprised to hear you say that, miss Quadruf.

You're a scientist like me. We do not believe in the ghosts.

No? Well, gosh.

You scientists sure are brave.

Yeah.

Now me, I'd be scared to go poking around in a haunted house.

Unless, of course, you don't believe in ghosts.

Now to be really scientific about it,

you've got to go in there and check it out.

Oh, may I know?

I mean, of course I'm not afraid, but

it is not my house.

I could not go inside. No. Be silly. The place is abandoned.

There's no one there to mind except

perhaps the ghost.

Go on, Michelle. Have a look.

If there is a ghost in there, maybe you'll turn him on.

Making it with a ghost. You could win by a landslide.

I'd have to give it at least a nine.

Go on, Michelle. It's a fantastic opportunity.

Unless, of course, you're afraid.

Please, miss Woodruff,

just until you see if it is really empty.

I'm not afraid of ghosts, but not german.

But there may be, I don't know,

hippies or something.

Oh.

There, dude. Take it easy.

It's just,

now really, Michelle.

If you're gonna be scientific about this,

you can't start losing your head over every little thing.

It's just a draft blowing a a door

shut.

A simple scientific principle.

You wait here and I'll go find you a comfortable room to sleep in.

Please, miss Woodruff.

I'd rather go with you.

Nonsense. There's absolutely nothing to be scared of.

Now you just wait right here.

Here. Take this.

Miss Rodriguez? Miss Rodriguez?

What is it?

A crash.

Don't be silly. It's just your candlestick.

Candlestick? Yes.

Now pick it up.

Pick it up?

Yes.

Pick it up and get a hold of yourself.

I've got to find you a room.

Miss Woodruff?

What is it? The old man.

He's out of my ass.

Now, Michelle, I know you're a a very attractive young lady,

but I hardly think

pick up the candlestick and just come along with me, okay?

Miss Woodruff?

Alright, Michelle. You're on your own.

Now remember, it's for science.

Miss Woodruff.

Haunted house.

It is nothing.

Girls?

Girls?

Allison's gone on that telephone line, man.

She's got that long distance look in her eyes. Yeah.

Looks like she's really hung up.

Do you think she's fallen for his line?

Oh, can it, will you? I have not.

Isn't it a beautiful day, girls?

May, every day seems different when you are a woman.

Big deal.

What a bunch of crap.

Guys, it's for me.

Are you the girl with a heart condition?

I have orders to take you Sorry, Larry.

You'll have to do better than that.

And I don't have a heart condition,

whatever you may have thought.

Allison, else, come on.

Breaker one nine for a beaver on a two wheeler.

You got a beaver. Hey, pile driver.

You got an eager beaver, good buddy.

Is this pile driver, isn't it?

That's a big ten four eager beaver. How big, good buddy?

Bitch.

Eager Beaver, what's your twenty?

I'm riding rocking chair on a cherry convoy,

rolling eastbound from the Big Apple,

looking for the big worm.

You come to the right place, eager beaver.

Take a left at the mixing bowl and head for the junk jockey junction.

I'll ball you there.

Is it not I will ball you, sir?

Roger, double eighty eights pile driver.

Keep your nose between the ditches and the Smokies out of your bridges.

We gone.

I

don't believe this place.

Look at these guys. You know this guy piled up.

I wouldn't mind doing it with him.

Yes.

Yes.

Hey,

Acre Beaver. Wanna race?

Okay, drivers.

Roll your heat pumps to the track and get ready for the

start of this great figure, Acre Race.

Phew.

Well, they sure didn't win that race.

Gee, I hope Peaches is okay.

Uh-oh.

I think that was a pretty good try, you know.

Oh, I guess it was. Tell your dream.

You're making sure I'm right.

Watch this.

Hey, you guys. That's nowhere. I broke my ass for that.

I was out there among all that flying ten,

and I did it in the back seat of a car.

Is that your idea of originality?

Well, girls, shall we stop and visit one of these wineries?

Oh, I don't know. I'd be afraid.

I hear those wineries are all friends for the mafia.

Don't be silly, Sarah. How about this one right here?

Uh-oh.

Let's try the next one.

Oh, this

is

it.

Hey. I wonder what they make here besides wine.

Here. Take one of these. You could use it.

Oh, come on now.

Oh, shit. I'm gonna get you.

Oh.

Come on. Let's go. Yeah. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

Hey. Come on, you guys. Get up now. Another day, another lay.

Hey. Where's these woods?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the virgin surgeon.

Don't you ever give up.

Come on, Allison.

Give me a chance.

What if we try to hang glide, water ski, a pogo stick, a skateboard?

What about a barrel over Niagara Falls?

Larry, Kibby's already done it in a threesome with a shark fighter

and a live shark.

I could really fall for you in a big way, Allison.

No, Larry. No. No.

Well then, I guess it's just no use.

No use, Larry. You'll never make it.

You couldn't be part of the contest.

Okay then.

It was fun knowing you, Allison.

I hope you win your contest.

Goodbye.

No. You'd never be right for the contest, Larry.

You're just too nice.

Come on, guys. Last one there is a rotten egg.

How about that? Yeah, man.

Man.

Say, you look finger lickin' good.

You wanna bite my drums here?

And I said, what? And give up Shelby?

No. Actually, we're doing three shows and it's a big deal here.

Is this the real it's a big deal with Tripp Shaw?

It sure is. Are you kidding?

This here is curtain number one.

And this is curtain number two.

Jeepers. I mean, egos.

What divine stuff.

And wait till you see curtain number three.

Egged on my ambition, egged off by the audience.

What's this? Are you the booby prize?

Sometimes the booby, always a prize.

Clack clack clack clack clack clack clack.

No.

I'm finished here yesterday,

but they are me for the weak union regulations.

And it's good to have a strong union.

Hey.

Can you ever see what's going on over there?

Come on. Let's cook those seats over there.

Sarah. Sarah?

Hey. Hi, weirdos.

I'm Tripp Shore, and, are we going to have some fun today?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Who's got some dental floss? Dental floss.

Oh. Oh my god. It's King Kong.

Here you go. Here's five big ones for the big monkey.

Now that's that's not so bad for dental floss. Right? Right.

But that's not such a big deal. Right? Right.

But today, somebody's going to get a chance to try for what's behind our curtains.

And if they pick the right curtain,

let me tell you it is a big deal.

Right.

Camera one. Where the hell's camera one?

Okay. There it is.

Oh my

goodness.

Oh, and I saw a noise.

Are you sure they won't be using this set today?

Oh, absolutely not.

I'm a star, you know.

Hello?

What do you mean a new set won't be here in time?

Oh, Christ.

Sam. Sam.

Roll in yesterday's set. There's been a screw up.

Twenty one inch color TV and this beautiful new car.

But that's not all. That's not all.

Now now, Genie Chips, now you can keep the car or you

can have what's behind that curtain.

Oh, that fucking chicken.

That looks like a nine point five to me.

You're the only one left.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll come up with something really terrific.

Larry hasn't been around lately, has he?

Larry? Larry? Oh, yes. I remember.

The boy from the phone company. I've forgotten him completely.

Oh, you have?

Allison. Yes?

You know, this contest isn't the most important thing in the world.

The other girls will understand if you decide.

Miss Woodruff, they do respect me.

That's why I have to keep faith with them.

I mean, what kind of student council president will let some some

silly sentimental feeling about a boy stand in the way of

getting laid by a freak?

What is it, Allison?

I don't know.

My god.

Oh,

Yes.

You.

Oh.

Now that's really sexy.

Far out.

No, I'm sorry, but I just can't.

Why? Is it because I'm blue?

No. It's not that.

It's just that I'm well, I'm in love with someone else.

You never give up, do you?

Oh, Alice. I have waited so long for this moment.

Oh, Larry. So have I.

Larry, no. Not like this.

What do you mean not like this?

Isn't this originally enough for you yet?

No.

I mean, I don't want it to be like this with you,

all gimmicky and weird.

I want it to be normal and and beautiful.

I don't wanna be part of the contest anymore.

I I love you, Larry. I love you.

Where are we? What's going on?

Well, I guess some explanation is in order.

I'm the ordinary telephone line.

No. I can see that. Is this really your estate?

Yes. Well, my parents anyway. And my name's not really Larry.

It's Rupert Bitsig, now the famous Long Island Bitsigs.

You're kidding.

I'll always call you Larry anyway.

Good. I took this job.

I wanted to get away from the old family name.

But I'm really a graduate student of aeronautical engineering.

I designed a spaceship as a special project for my doctoral

Of course, basically, it's just a helicopter.

Oh, Larry. I think you're wonderful.

You're pretty special yourself.

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Here we are.

Isn't Alice's new boyfriend out of this world?

He looked a little spaced out if you ask me.

Hey.

Do you think if he and Allison hit it off,

he'll ask us up sometime?

Up?

Maybe he'll have us all for dinner.

Oh,

Oh.

My god. What will we write in the alumni bulletin?

Look. It's Allison. Allison. Allison.

No contest, Allison. This is for you. You're the winner.

How was it, Allison?

What happened?

Tell us. Nothing happened.

Nothing? Nothing. What are you talking about?

Nothing happened.

That's all. I can't take this.

But, Allison, we thought for sure that We were afraid too.

We thought he might have eaten you. You had us worried.

He was a perfect gentleman.

A Martian? A perfect gentleman?

He wasn't a Martian?

Not a Venusian? Wait a minute.

Don't tell us it was just Larry.

Larry. Oh, not Larry.

Some leader you turned up.

That telephone kid really made his career change.

Alice, and you're really a sad case to pick up someone like that.

Well, so much he's allowed to drive us.

That's Miss Woodruff has to fix you. Hey.

Who is the champion

ex virgin?

What, you guys?

I want to win the contest, Miss Woodruff.

Well, it's been an extraordinary contest.

Each one of you has made a magnificent effort.

None of you has anything to hang her head about.

You, Peaches, your experience was really a wild one.

Your story was bold. It was violent.

It was shockingly different.

It was a story that could take place in any American town.

There were five hundred cc's of motorcycle between your lover's legs.

Unfortunately, there wasn't anything else.

Still, you certainly have something to remember.

Now it's true that you got a low score from the other girls

on a technicality,

and I do have to take their scoring into account as I

evaluate your performance.

But certainly, you achieved one of the most interesting variations on an

old standard location that I've ever seen.

And I have to give you a big ten four eager beaver.

Sarah, you learned what it is to make a deal,

and you certainly didn't chicken out.

Darn right. She got chickened in.

And whatever the final outcome may be,

you certainly will be the most famous of our outstanding group

as the first girl ever to lose her virginity live on

nationwide TV.

Michelle, you were a little faint hearted at first,

and I didn't think you had a ghost of a chance in the contest.

But soon your scientific mind took over and you really got

into the spirit.

Oh, contraire. It was his spirit that got into me. No.

Michelle, whether you win the contest or not,

I know that the memory of this experience will always haunt you.

Kippy, you took a sporting chance, no question about it,

in your bid to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.

You showed great daring as well as originality of place,

technique, and choice of partner.

Does this mean that Kippy is the winner?

No, girls. Kippy was magnificent.

Each one of you in her own way was magnificent.

I'm proud of you.

But the winner is

Oh.

Allison.

Allison

wins.

I mean, I can see Michelle or Sarah,

but Allison said she didn't even do anything.

And even if she did, with Larry?

Oh, Larry.

Especially because she did it with Larry.

With a telephone lineman? With plain old Larry?

Plain old Larry?

I happen to know a little bit more about him than you all do.

I can inform you that he's the son of the wealthiest man in

the whole county.

Son of the wealthiest?

Oh.

Sounds like Wouldn't you have been American justice?

So he's rich. So what? Now what's original about that?

Why does Allison win?

Because, girls, after all is said and done,

true love is the most original way of all.