Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

You change your mind like a girl, change your clothes.

Are you meanness like the bitch I would know?

And you only think, always be, credically?

I should know that you're no good for me.

Because you're hot and you're cold, and yes then you know.

You're in and you're out, you're up and you're down.

You're wrong when it's right, it's back and it's right.

We break up, we kiss, we make bad.

You can't stay alone.

You can't make a shit.

That's hard.

You're hot and you're cold, and yes then you know.

You're in and you're out, you're up and you're down.

Stop arguing.

Okay, thanks.

Morning, Freddie.

Morning, Abby.

You look awfully pretty today.

Oh, is that bad in there?

Good morning.

Morning.

There are no problems.

There are no problems.

Joy only solutions.

The traffic camera is down and we have no B-roll for our traffic segment.

That is a problem.

Call Matt at Media Lab.

He's got some Skycams in the Osmay.

Where are my weathermen?

Right here.

Oh no!

Thank you all for coming.

You guys look great.

I'm ready for being here.

Is there a reason?

They're all over the way.

Oh, I get the forecast wrong.

Research shows people are more willing to forgive a fat guy.

Abby, I hate to do this to you, but I don't think that I can work with her anymore.

It's bad enough I have to take her criticism at home.

I'm not going to do it on the air.

A man can only endure so much.

Mary, you are not a man.

You are a newsman.

A newsman are not defined by the easy times.

They're defined by the hard times.

Can you imagine Ted Koppel or Tom Brokal working with their wisest co-anchors?

No.

Because they couldn't handle it.

But you, you, my friend, have balls the size of Volkswagen's.

Don't think I haven't noticed.

Well, only thought of them as blue of late, but you're right.

They're quite sizable, but not disproportionately so.

I like to think of them as aesthetically pleasing.

Yeah, I think I made my point.

Are you kidding me right now?

Josh, nobody in Sacramento gives a crap about the extinction right now.

The Brazilian slug work!

It's not newsworthy!

But knowing which celeb you time is a rehab is a vital important.

The sound of your voice makes my hair.

He is fine to kill me.

He knows I can't even craft.

It's a crab-raving goon.

Who doesn't eat crab-raving goon?

Oh my God.

Does anybody see this?

Is that a hide?

It looks like syphilis.

It looks like we work for my studio, Tom, so let me ask Tommy.

It's not gonna be a lie.

It's not gonna be a lie.

[screaming]

Does anybody go to three?

Uh, yeah, so some cat story gets mushrooms, garlic, exactly.

Garlic?

Yeah, put the mushrooms in.

All right.

Whatever amount of garlic you want.

Oh, really?

You can't have enough garlic right now, I...

Oh, you can.

I can't.

I can't.

Do whatever you want.

I got a nice big spoon.

Oh, excellent.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Isn't that good?

I have to say, Rocco.

This is the best chicken cat story I've ever tasted.

I need, like, it is duck cat story, actually.

Oh, no.

Did he just say duck?

It's a great alternative to chicken.

It kind of tastes just like chicken, right?

Mmm.

Duck, like quack quack duck.

Okay, get ready to roll to an early break.

Yeah.

Whoa, duck.

Yeah, man, we're a chicken household.

Ha ha.

We really are.

Totally ready to throw a doveyare while she's putting it together.

Where's it okay?

Good.

Javier, do you like it?

Mmm.

Can I take home the leftovers?

Ha ha.

You sure you don't want any leftovers?

When we return our line, Skycam, traffic, upstate, and...

Guess who's in rehab this week?

Stand by to roll you brave.

Also, how you too can adopt your very own slug worm

when we come back.

Roll you brave.

I'll solve.

Let me solve, make it better.

It's pretty easy.

Try it easy.

My ass, rock.

I don't know how you do it.

Oh, it's just a matter of looking chaos.

We're in the eye telling it to f off.

You guys did great.

Thank you.

I think it's time for a new chef on this show.

I really do.

Oh, now.

Come on, rock is moving us.

Abby!

It's just upsetting.

Hey, Stuart wants to see you.

He's freaking out.

Oh, he had fun.

Ladies.

Want something?

Yeah, give me that.

[MUSIC]

Have you seen the ratings from yesterday?

We got beat by all the network shows, including a rerun

of Who's the Boss, one where the vacuum breaks.

It's just a temporary setback, Stuart.

Things will be better tomorrow.

You know, that guy with the cable access show on Channel 83

does better.

If we program Jerry Springer reruns, we do a nine share

at a quarter of the price.

Please don't tell me.

You're thinking of killing the show.

We're not a family run station anymore, Abby.

I mean, I love you.

You're great at what you do, but you've got to get me some

numbers.

I got two daughters in college and a son in beauty school.

I don't know how much you know about vidals that soon,

but that shit ain't cheap.

I can rally.

I will rally.

You do rally.

Every day, Abby.

But that's what worries me.

That even you won't be enough.

I should not be letting corporate management dictate the

content of this show.

It's my show.

I control it.

I should skip the day tonight, stay home, think up some ideas

for sweeps.

Absolutely not, Abby.

You should be out there observing humanity.

Humanities who watches our show.

Yeah.

All 2.47% of them.

You have rescheduled on this guy three times.

You cancel on him tonight and he's gone.

Look, this bone structure.

This could be the bone structure of your teacher children.

Don't you want them to be symmetrical?

I predicted out his profile.

What?

Yes, these have not been touched in quite some time.

I have to live by heresy through your dating life and I really

think that this could be our next boyfriend.

Hi.

Hello.

I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown hair,

athletic, little blue eyes.

He's 5'9", which I know you're thinking is a lot short,

but he's read the great Gatsby twice.

Well, she's technically on 5'8" and a half, but I can

read the great Gatsby again if it makes it any better.

Hi.

Can I get some water for the two?

Uh, yeah, bottle of flat water, please.

Thank you.

Just one second.

I'm sorry.

Did you know that they've done studies that show that tap water

and bottled water are basically the same thing and they recently

passed a law where restaurants have to filter their tap water,

so it's not really tap water.

It's filtered water, which is the same as bottled water,

except you don't have to pay $7 for it, right?

I just...

Well, I like the way it tastes better anyway.

Can I get a scotch on the rocks for that too, please?

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

I thought, uh, I thought in your profile it said you, uh,

you like to drink red wine.

I'm turning out my profile.

Actually, my associate producer today, she doesn't like me to not

be prepared, not that I'm ever not prepared.

Kudos, by the way, on your comprehensive car insurance plan.

It wasn't in my profile.

No, but it's in your background check.

So, um, tell me about yourself.

Well, what's left to talk about that you don't already know, right?

Good point.

All right, well, you know, I actually took the liberty of printing

out some talking points in case this happened.

I think if this has happened before?

No.

No.

But you have nine out of ten of the necessary attributes on my checklist.

Oh, dear God.

Okay?

Oh, this is a good one.

Let's start with three, okay?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't ask.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

More on this story when we come back, we'll hear from a zoo official,

now forced to take a home.

And we're back with the ugly truth, where tonight we're going to be talking

about what it is men and women really want in relationships.

Now, I've been looking through some books, smart women, foolish choices.

Men who love women, who hate them.

And women hating men who love women who hate loving men.

Huh?

Billions and billions wasted on psychobabble bullshit.

Now, listen up, ladies, because I'm only going to say this once,

and it is just three little words.

Men are simple.

We cannot be trained.

All this men are from Venus.

Crap is a waste of your time and money.

You want to be a lonely hag?

Then that's fine.

Keep reading these stupid books.

But you want a relationship, and here's how you get one.

It's called a "stairmaster."

Get on it, and get skinny, and get some trashy lingerie while you're at it.

Because at the end of the day, all we're interested in is looks.

And no one falls in love with your personality at first sight.

We fall in love with your tits and your ass.

And we stick around because of what you're willing to do with them.

So you want to win a man over, you don't need ten steps.

You need one.

And it's called a blowjob.

And don't forget to...

Okay? No.

Let's take the first caller.

How dare you burn those books.

They've helped my personal life more than I can say.

What's your boyfriend's name, Princess?

Well, I'm not seeing anyone right now.

My point exactly, Shrek.

Nick Carler, you're on the air.

So, you're saying that men are incapable of love?

Oh, did I burst your little Harlequin romance bubble?

What? Come on.

Well, the only thing you burst is your credibility.

Men are completely capable of experiencing love.

Okay, how by? Go on. Who's the guy?

What?

The guy.

Mr. Wonderful, the one who's so capable of love.

Who is he? What's he like?

He's smart. He's handsome, but he doesn't know it.

He's successful, but in a job that means something.

He loves red wine, picnic, classical music.

This is a guy in America, right?

I mean, you're not calling from Europe or something.

He loves dogs, but he's more of a cat person.

He never gets up before you on a Sunday morning.

Wait a second. I get it. You're a lesbian.

What?

Well, you must be.

I mean, you just described the perfect woman.

Why are you so threatened by these qualities?

Is it perhaps because you don't possess a single one of them

and that is the real reason why women aren't interested in you?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks of my own money

to go get this guy and bring him down here, let me meet him.

Well, he's out there somewhere.

Wait a second.

You're not even dating this guy?

No. I'm describing a type.

I thought that's what we were doing.

You don't even know him?

Oh, whoa. Okay, now I get the picture.

Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.

What?

Well, you must be.

Come on. You heard me. I mean, if you were hot,

you would be out breaking some poor schmuck's heart

instead of spending all your time fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.

Face it.

You're ugly.

I am not ugly.

Well, okay, let me help you out here.

You might as well face the fact that you're going to be alone

and stop pining away for some fantasy guy you're never going to get.

How can you possibly...

Hey, Lassie, the show's called the ugly truth.

If you can't face it, don't call.

Not about raps it up for this evening.

I'm Mike Chadway reminding you that the truth is never pretty.

How'd the date go?

Well, I was very pleased with the choice of restaurant.

That is so awesome.

Why?

Good morning, everyone.

Morning, morning, morning.

Now, before I play you this, I should warn you.

This guy's a little rough around the edges.

Face it.

You're ugly.

I am not ugly.

Well, why are we watching this?

Say hello to our new guest commentator.

I'm starting him off at two segments a week, three minutes a pop.

Are you kidding me?

Who the hell is this guy?

Name's Mike Chadway.

And he's an uber moron misogynist who represents everything that is wrong

with television and society.

I could crap every time I suggest we do something even remotely fluffy.

Oh, come on.

He's got a point of view.

We don't have to like it.

I mean, we're news people.

We're objective.

Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.

It doesn't mean he likes them.

He does it for the ratings.

I have a whole list of ideas to improve ratings.

You're going to like it.

We don't need him.

We don't need him.

Not at all.

An intimate profile of the mayor.

I like that.

Ooh, I like the mayor.

It's fantastic.

The mayor?

Yes, it can be edgy and yet intriguing.

Unless you can get him to bang, three crackhors and a German Shepherd on live TV.

No one's going to give a shit.

Oh, I'm sorry I was eavesdropping out in the hall.

What did I tell you?

Isn't this guy great?

No, thanks, boss.

You already hired him.

Who's this delightful creature?

I'm your producer.

Hey.

I like it when we're on top.

Oh, God.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, that's easy to just get me.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

Hey, Mike, did you see your office?

All right, yeah.

No, come on.

Let me show you real home.

Hey, everybody, take five.

I'll be right back.

Were you all not there last year for our sexual harassment meeting?

Yes.

Were you not there, Larry?

He wasn't sexually harassing me.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning news producer.

I am an award-winning--

You're an award-winning news producer.

You don't knock?

I like that knock.

You didn't answer.

So essentially, you are knock was negated by your complete lack of adherence to the social

etiquette that follows a knock.

Whoa.

You're wild like a fucking cop.

Wolf-wolf.

Remember the bark?

Last night, a little phone conversation we had.

Yeah.

Hey, what do you know?

Isn't that ugly at all?

Oh, well, imagine my relief.

Well, I want to thank you for getting me this gig.

I would never gotten it without you.

You and I, we make good TV.

You make embecilic trash watched by house-bounding breads who are so busy with their hands down

their pants, they can't change the remote.

I hadn't really been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.

I do not watch your program.

My cat stepped on the remote.

Oh, you want to thank you, Pussy, for me then?

No.

Larry, Georgia, listen to me.

I want you to skewer him.

I want my Chad way to go down in flames.

I want my Chad way to be nothing but a pile of ash on the seat next to you.

I want the janitor to come in and vacuum up the ashes of my Chad way with his dust buster,

and when he dumps it in the dumpster outside, I want the rats to vomit and defecate on the ashes of my Chad way.

Wow.

I thought you were angry and bitter.

Uh, no, Larry.

That would be my untouched vagina.

Generally, what?

Twenty seconds to air.

All right, ready?

Larry?

There's a bird in my dressing room.

I'll take care of it.

A real bird?

Yeah, it's flying around.

Sparrow?

Why is there a bird in here?

I don't know what type of bird it is.

It's a goddamn bird.

It's a journey where it's awful.

You guys have really got to keep the doors closed.

Five, four, three...

Good morning, everyone.

I'm Larry Freeman, another beautiful day in Sacramento,

and I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman.

No one, right?

Here we go.

Thank you, Larry.

Hi, I'm Georgia Boreda.

Ready for the single on Georgia.

Four years!

There have been concerns about lowering television standards,

but many believe that this man and his local public access show have brought things to a new low.

With that, we welcome Mike Chadway.

How you doing, guys?

Mike, how do you respond to people who say that your show is offensive?

Well, it is.

But then again, so is the truth.

The truth about what Mr. Chadway...

What relationships are really like?

Take marriage, for instance.

It's about social pressure, status, and sex.

If it weren't for these sweet things, men and women wouldn't even speak.

Oh, dear.

Sounds to me like no one's ever loved you, and you're taking that out on the female population.

Good one.

That's a good one.

Well, while we're making these observations, Georgia, you two will project this image of the perfect couple,

and clearly it's a lie.

Excuse me?

Holy shit.

Break for commercial.

No, no, no.

Let's do a sick-eat roll no matter what.

What?

When?

This is my show.

Not right now, it is.

Come on, Larry.

I watched your show for years.

You used to be this cool, confident cat.

What the hell happened to you?

And you, Georgia.

I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.

She knew the only way she was getting off the weekend shift was by hooking up with you.

Then, lo and behold, she became more popular than you did.

Oh!

Ended up with twice your salary.

Come on, Larry. Take him down.

Hold on, pal.

I am very proud of my wife's success.

Oh, the loney you are.

You hate her success.

You feel emasculated by her, and that screws with your head.

Which, in turn, screws with your manhood.

What's your point, Mr. Chadwick?

Yes, yes, Georgia.

Georgia.

My point is that your husband hasn't had sex with you on him.

I'm gonna say, what, three months?

Chadwick, that is not my fault.

I know.

I mean, come on.

No, I know.

It's her fault.

Why is it my fault?

What am I supposed to do, say no to the money, so he can get an erection?

She just said a erection on network television.

The other networks do it.

It's no big deal.

I'm talking about erection on Sesame Street.

I agree.

Thank you.

You've economically emasculated your husband to such a point that he's afraid to want you.

I mean, sure, you can dump his ass.

But honey, have you seen the eligible manhood Sacramento?

Oh, God.

It's Slun Pickens out there for a woman in her 40s, I can tell her.

Oh, God.

He just talked about her age.

He's gonna kill me.

What?

I mean, you ain't gonna do any better than Larry.

Is that the "Let 'em be a man"?

Let 'em be a man.

I say "Let 'em be a man."

You have to let me be a man.

Let 'em be a man.

You have to let me be a man.

Simple as that.

Now, you, frowny McFlossett.

Come on.

Oh, God.

I'm ready for a three-shot with those three zoom in.

I'm not frowny.

Yes, you are.

Move in here and get this beautiful woman to kiss.

Oh, God.

Is this a ten- just that I'm not?

Does that mean what I think it means?

Yes, it does.

Kiss her.

No, no, no.

They're not gonna get it.

You are right in front of me.

In front of me.

Let me, God damn it, Georgia, let me be a man.

No!

Oh!

Zoom in on that too.

Zoom in.

Oh, there it goes.

What a queen is.

And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

You ready to roll your break?

You ready to roll your break?

You ready to roll your break?

No, what?

No, what?

Oh, no!

Why don't you cut my shell?

Cut your shell!

Cut your shell!

That was great!

Wouldn't that great?

I told you that guy was great.

Good job, everybody.

Wow!

Abby?

Founder.

1,143 calls.

Over 300 emails, 53% of them were women.

This guy's a lightning rod.

They liked him?

Liked him.

They loved him.

93% positive.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

But I am scaling back the news and giving it to the ugly truth.

Stuart, I really think this is a mistake.

I mean, what do we even know about this guy?

Who is he really?

I moved here when he was 10.

Pitch 2, consecutive little league championships.

It's cute.

But am most likely to get slapped in his senior yearbook.

Three years at San Jose State, salesmen of the year at Dobbs and

Medical Supplies in 04.

Once arrested for urinating a moving vehicle, that is actually

incredibly challenging.

Don't talk.

Tell me.

I've never been married to hate asparagus.

Look, let's just keep a smile on this guy's face and we'll both get our contracts renewed.

Congratulations?

[Music]

Mike, hi.

Lauren, I've had a party on Saturday and you know what happens when I drink tequila.

It's me, Nikki.

What happened to your call to me?

I miss you.

I can't say.

Thinking about your huge...

Who's that rubbing all over my...

Tripping.

How was what?

How was school?

Well, he totally hosed me.

What?

Last week, on your show.

You should always be meeting the hot girls because they want you more.

Well, I tried it on Shana.

She cried and then I got detention.

First of all, don't listen to what I say on my show.

Second of all, you're supposed to do that to 25 year old girls who think they're hot and can get any guy they want.

Not 14 year old girls.

They're going through puberty.

They got enough problems.

Mom said when she was 14, she was the prettiest girl in class.

Well, I was there when she was 14 and let me tell you something.

She lied.

Don't listen to your uncle Mike. He was blind from touching himself inappropriately.

That's the next thing to tell your son.

Oh, like he hasn't heard worse on your show.

Let's hope you can clean it up now that you're on a network.

Congrats!

(sighs)

(music)

(music)

They're tanning! No, you didn't!

No, they're tanning! You get back here! Get back here!

No, do not! No, no, no!

(sighs)

They're tanning!

Tanning! Tanning!

You get it!

(sighs)

All right. I'll just come up.

(sighs)

Oh, really not that flexible there, Tanya.

I'm coming. I got you. Hold on. Hold on.

Good, baby. No, no, no.

(tanya screams)

Come here, Tanya. Good boy. Oh! Good boy. Okay.

You're going to be okay.

Oh, hope we can get down.

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

I don't mind.

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

Oh, my...

Oh, my...

Oh, my...

(tanya screams)

He forces!

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

(tanya screams)

Tanya!

Help me, help me!

Help me, help me!

I'm stuck in this tree!

Help me!

Can anybody...

I'm stuck in this tree!

I'm stuck in this tree!

Help me, help me, help me!

(tanya screams)

Help me, help me, help me!

(tanya screams)

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

So you just moved in.

That's great.

I'm Abby, by the way.

You're a neighbor from across the way.

So you're a doctor, wow.

An orthopedic surgeon.

I do a lot of leg and hip stuff, but I do get the occasional foot.

(Tanya laughs)

Look, your ankle seems to be fine.

It's just a mild sprain, so this should help.

Great.

Thank you.

I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose the tree outside your window to climb.

(Tanya laughs)

Well, I'm here whenever you need me.

Look, I'm gonna put my home number on the back of my business card.

If your ankle starts giving you any problems, just give me a call.

Hey, thanks.

Oh, wow, that's so weird.

Isn't it like men?

Well, you know, dogs are great, but, uh, I'm a cat person.

(Tanya sighs)

(tense music)

Well, I guess I'll get going, then.

Yeah.

(tense music)

Yeah.

(Tanya laughs)

Thanks again.

You're saving my life.

Anytime.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

(Tanya screams)

You forgot your cat.

Right.

Hey, it's there on me.

Look.

Yes, it's gone.

Okay.

All right.

Bye.

Okay.

Thanks again.

(tense music)

You're not gonna believe how perfect it is.

Such a call.

Oh, you have no idea.

Oh, good boy.

Yeah.

Well, how did you leave it?

I mean, did he ask for your number?

No, but he gave me his.

So what do I do?

Should I call him?

And if I do call him, what should I say?

Okay.

Uh, take a breath.

Uh-huh.

And please, sweetheart, no tap water.

Tap water.

Don't bring it up.

You've got naughty eyes.

And he'll never tell you that.

(Tanya laughs)

Why do you ever leave?

Hold it, thought.

No.

Okay.

(tense music)

Okay.

Bye, Karen.

Mm.

Mm.

Keep it clean.

Keep it moving.

Stick to the script.

You are on a live, affiliate news program.

You do not have the luxury of using the words blow in job in the same sentence.

If you say anything, it's gonna lie to you.

You will be fired.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Because I kind of thought that you were the one that was gonna get fired if you don't

keep me happy.

Yes.

I've got a lot of time to get fired.

I've got a lot of time to get fired.

I've got a lot of time to get fired.

I'm happy.

Yes.

I've got a list of demands I would like to make after the show and let me just warn you.

There's gonna be scatological.

Ow.

You know, just because you look pretty today, I won't mention the misguided phallic rage

you just displayed.

You hear my voice?

Just do what I say.

(Tanya laughs)

Promise you'll talk dirty.

(Tanya laughs)

Good morning, Sacramento.

I'm Larry Frigland.

And I'm Georgia Bordenay.

And I'm Mike Chadway.

And this is the ugly truth.

Where we'll be taking a few minutes every day to talk about men, women, and relationships.

Let's start with men.

Men are simple.

To illustrate my point, here we have a classic romantic setting.

We have far-can light, champagne, and even your own personal violinist.

Now, over here we have something quite different.

This is not my last--

(Tanya laughs)

Follow me.

Is this like an over?

Where the hell's he going?

Follow him.

Follow him.

Go with him remote.

Go with him remote one.

(Tanya laughs)

Babe's wrestling in jail.

Uh, jail.

Uh, Abby.

Abby.

Oh, oh.

Oh, shit.

Get down.

Turn the longer up.

Let's just take a quick survey and see which options we have.

We have classical music and candlelit dinner, or semi-naked chicks wrestling strawberry-flavored

goo.

(Tanya screams)

(both laugh)

All right.

We're gonna do this.

We might as well milk it.

To get ready to go wide, one, tight on his hand.

Click the jello off her finger.

Click the jello off her finger.

(Tanya screams)

(Tanya screams)

All right.

We're gonna do this.

We might as well milk it.

Two, get ready to go wide.

One, tight on his hand.

Click the jello off her finger.

Just do it.

(Tanya screams)

(Tanya screams)

I was wrong.

It's cherry.

(Tanya laughs)

Back to you in the studio, Georgia.

Fire!

(laughs)

Coming up, we're gonna visit the aquarium and see how Penny the Porpoise is doing.

Can she clear that 10-foot pole with a ball on her nose?

(Tanya screams)

Well, when we come back.

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

Great job, ladies.

I can still taste you.

(Tanya laughs)

You know what I mean.

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

(Tanya laughs)

Do you realize that I once had the Archbishop of Desmond Tutu on this show?

Who's that?

I can't even demonstrate how far I've fallen because you're not smart enough to get the references.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.

I thought we were a great team back there.

You were the one that told me to like the jello.

You understand how much I hate myself for that.

It was cheap titillation.

I am now going to broadcasting hell right behind the naked weather girl from Canada.

Seriously?

There's a naked weather girl.

Hey, can we get her?

You have to do it for the ratings anything big of much on my son who had a dream of being a

Closmetician think about young think about joy just do it for me today

Partly sunny with the cloud cutter moving in from my left breast low pressure systems are moving up. So expecticle thrimes

[ Both laugh ]

[ Both laugh ]

[ Inaudible chicken noises ]

Oh.

♪ ♪

No.

[ Wordplays ]

[ Music ]

[ News wink ]

[ Laughter ]

I used to really like heavier than I found it.

It was made out of fish aches.

Did you know that?

Heavy air was revolting.

I was starting to get it.

Joly.

Yes, we've done these ratings.

Ah, thanks, John.

I guess I should be happy about this, right?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah.

You've never got a 12 share before.

I feel dirty.

You hear about the ratings?

Yes, I am the producer.

Well, did you hear the corporates coming this week?

You take me out to dinner?

Oh, wow.

That's what we can -- she'll make your mouth closed.

[ Laughs ]

Why do you hit my guts?

Your innards are of no consequence to me.

You're not the one who you represent.

Oh, you hate the truth.

Oh, your skewed perception of male-female interaction

is not the truth.

But your imaginary boyfriend's the truth.

For your information, I happen to meet him.

Well, I hope he's real this time,

because otherwise this is just sad.

Oh, he's real.

He's very real.

Not to mention stunningly handsome, morally sound.

He's a surgeon, a orthopedic surgeon.

Well, you know what that means.

What?

It sticks finger up some guy's butt medical skull.

You disgust me.

So, did Buttboy ask you out?

Not yet.

We're taking things slow, getting to know each other first.

Why am I talking to you about this?

In other words, he didn't actually ask you out.

[ Laughs ]

[ Door opens ]

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hi, this is Abby Richter calling for Dr. Anderson.

Yes, I'll hold.

What are you doing?

What are you calling us?

No, she's not your Anderson.

Hi, Colin.

This is Abby.

Your neighbor from last night?

Hey, everything okay?

How's the ankle treating you?

Couldn't be better.

I was just calling to let you know how much I enjoyed meeting you last night.

Thanks.

And I was thinking we should go out for dinner sometime.

Oh.

There is a new French bistrope in town and an art opening that got amazing reviews,

so I was thinking we could go on Friday.

Um, Friday.

Uh, wow.

Would Saturday be better?

Actually, Abby, the thing is,

I haven't really settled in yet.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm saving you.

He was blowing you off.

He wasn't blowing me off.

Hey, you'll be expecting you to call him,

and when you don't, you'll call back.

How do you know?

Because I know him in operate.

If you want it to work out with this guy,

then you'll listen to me and you'll do exactly as I say.

You've probably already done irreparable damage with your psycho-aggressive control-free phone call.

It might even be too late.

And if you do salvage the situation,

you'll never be more than Abby, his desperate neighbor.

I'm not desperate.

Why did you think I sounded desperate?

Listen to you.

Desperately asking me if you sound desperate.

[sighs]

Oh!

Okay.

Although you want it better,

you know that I know what I'm talking about.

You're called in.

Don't find what I want to do.

Pick up the phone and say, "Hey, Duck."

Why would I?

Just do it.

Hey, Doug.

Uh, no.

This is Colin.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

It's perfect.

Uh, who's, uh, Doug?

He's just a guy I'm seeing.

There's nothing serious.

Just a guy I'm seeing.

It's nothing serious.

Oh, okay.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

Sure.

[sighs]

That one.

Not just making me wait.

If you're still holding on after 30 more seconds,

you may actually have a chance.

No one's going to wait for somebody to try to blow off.

You better be right about this.

Just give me a little bit of time.

I'm going to make this guy your bitch.

I don't want a bitch.

Colin's never be a bitch.

He is a well-rounded man capable of mature emotions

and deep abiding love.

Things which you know not of.

Maybe not.

But I do know about lust, seduction, and manipulation things

that you know not of.

Abby, I'll make you a deal.

If you do exactly as I say and you get this guy,

then you're quit giving me shit and you work with me.

You don't as well as I do that we can make this show huge.

And if it doesn't work, what do I get?

Then I'll quit.

You're really that confident.

There's been more than 30 seconds.

All right, deal. Now what?

Always.

Make an impression.

Let's get a move on.

We have work to do.

But what about that?

In five seconds you'll call back.

Come on.

You're nice from the donus.

[phone ringing]

Amazing.

[phone ringing]

Rule number one.

Never criticize.

Even if it's constructed?

Never.

Men are incapable of growth, change, or progress.

For men, self-improvement, and is it toilet trading?

[groaning]

Rule number two.

Laugh at whatever he says.

What if what he says isn't funny?

That's irrelevant.

A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.

Fake orgasm is good?

No, but a fake orgasm is better than no orgasm at all.

Fake orgasm is no orgasm.

Only do you.

So you're not the only person in the room you know,

let's not be selfish.

[laughing]

No, that was perfect.

Rule of fake.

You'll never know.

[music playing]

Rule number three.

Men are very visual.

We have to change our look.

It's my look.

[sighing]

You're a very attractive woman,

but you're a completely inaccessible.

You're all about comfort and efficiency.

It's wrong with comfort and efficiency.

It's wrong with comfort and efficiency.

No nothing except no one wants to fuck it.

[music playing]

Hello.

May I be of assistance?

Yes, you may.

We need that cocktail dress as tight jeans and some bras.

I'll make my friends' breasts sit up and say hello.

You're not saying hello now?

What are they saying?

Actually, they're giving off more of a passing nod

rather than an outright greeting.

No, I would.

Why don't you try this?

I think this will be one.

[laughing]

Now that is a bra.

Mm?

Boobies and this thing say put me in your mouth.

They taste good.

No, I'm actually wearing one right now as we speak.

[music playing]

Lainth is very important.

We need short enough to see some thigh,

but not so short to see that.

Mm.

Badges says you're trying too hard.

You think?

Jeans are all about the curvature of the ass, Eva.

You've got the raw materials.

Now all you need is proper presentation.

Just tell me I have a nice ass.

Oh, Jones, I have to be so precious.

Oh!

Rule number four.

I'll never talk about your problems,

because men don't really listen or care.

Some men care?

No, some men tend to care.

We ask you how you're doing.

It's just guy code for let me stick my dick in your ass.

Oh!

Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy.

He's even remotely into you.

He's probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.

I love how you assume all men are as perverse as you are.

Oh, I don't assume.

I know.

Wait.

We need to make one more stop.

Why are you have tons of stuff?

We have to make your hair longer.

Men like something to grab onto other than your ass.

My hair is fine. There's nothing wrong with my hair.

Abby, a ponytail implies that you are either operating heavy machinery

or emptying the litter box.

Neither of those things inspires a direction.

Why is it my responsibility to inspire an erection?

Why isn't that his job?

Shut up.

Shut up.

What?

What do you think?

Uh, not bad.

Just...

I don't want to be perceived as a bimbo.

I mean...

And I don't want you to be a bimbo.

You have to be two people.

The saint and the sinner.

The librarian and the stripper.

On the one hand, you have to push the guy away with a cold indifference.

On the other, you have to be a sexually teasing tornado.

Now, we have to teach you flirting.

I know how to flirt.

You know how to flirt.

Oh, my name's Abby and I love reading Tolstoy.

I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics.

I don't think so.

Hey, there.

You wearing any underwear?

Hey, you know what?

I wouldn't say that and I wouldn't grab ass.

What's wrong with those little ass grabbing?

I mean, what's it there for if you're not me to grab it?

Whoa!

You're just a set of orifices and a pair of teetos.

You are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.

Hmm.

Maybe I'm just a really good student.

Would you stop doing that?

Doing what?

For running your finger down there over me.

Why?

Is it turning you on?

Maybe.

It's weird.

I think I kind of like it.

Really?

Soccer.

Okay, no teaching the teacher.

Come on.

Who is it?

It's Colin.

I'm not ready for this.

Am I ready for this?

I'm not ready for this.

I can't do this.

Go, go, go.

Okay, okay, keep the conversation under a minute.

Now go.

Under a minute.

Yes.

Under a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

What's your chance?

Hi.

Hey.

Wow.

You look great.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, it's just doing the dishes.

So, what happened to you today?

What do you mean?

Well, you put me on hold and you never called me back.

Oh, my God.

Was that you?

Yeah.

So sorry.

It's okay.

Colin, would you mind actually giving me a call a little bit later?

I'm just so busy.

I got to get back to those dishes.

Okay, wait.

Right now.

Oh, that's good.

Make them suffer.

Make them suffer.

Stop her.

Avi, I was wondering if you'd like to go to the devil's game with Beyond Saturday.

[sighs]

[music playing]

Keep delivering.

[cheering]

Okay, I have a visual.

Not if you can hear me.

Relax.

It's going to be fine.

I'll do exactly what I tell you when I tell you to do it.

Okay?

You follow baseball?

Do something non-committal.

[laughs]

Okay.

I'm fine.

That was a little over the top.

Next time.

Well, thanks.

For what?

[laughs]

Well, thanks.

For being you.

You're welcome.

[cheering]

Excuse me.

Oh, my God.

You're my Chad way.

I love you.

Hey, buddy.

What the hell?

Hey, dude.

What the fuck?

Dude, what the fuck?

What?

No, no, no.

I'm not talking to you.

I'm not talking to you.

Okay, did I do something wrong?

No.

No, stop.

Listen.

The hell I'm telling you saw him looking at another girl.

I saw you.

I saw you looking at another girl.

Who?

That girl right there.

I was trying to get us a couple of hot dogs.

Oh, dude.

Thank you.

Okay.

We need a quick recovery.

Make sure you put the hot dog in your mouth and nice and slowly.

Men like watching.

Penis-shaped food.

Go into a girl's mouth.

Whoa.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, God.

No, it's okay.

I'm so, so sorry.

You know what?

I can get this out.

I'm sure I can.

What's the fabric of this?

I don't know.

Cotton?

Cotton's the worst.

Well, actually.

Leathers and the worst.

Right after that would be sued.

I still need a doubt.

Oh, it's coming!

[cheering]

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

There!

Right down!

Abby, Abby, you might want to look up.

[music playing]

Way to go, Abby.

[music playing]

Okay, I've got you.

I'm in position.

Can't say today it was boring.

You're being nice.

I embarrassed you.

No!

You're just, um, not what I'm used to.

I know.

No, you know what?

Actually, it's a good thing.

I'm used to women.

I can figure out in five seconds, but I can't do that with you.

He's an idiot.

I figured you out in two.

Not tell him goodnight and stick your tits out.

I'm gonna give this one less shot.

Well, goodnight then.

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

[music playing]

That definitely made up for my wet crotch.

Me too.

No, scratch that.

I didn't have fun.

Yeah.

[laughing]

I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Bye.

-Nay. -Nay.

[both laughing]

-You did it! You did it! You did it!

-You did it! You did it! You did it!

-You did too! -No!

-We don't ask me why, but I think he likes you.

-He's such a great guy, right?

-Yeah, he's creepy. -Yeah.

and if it's all time to the criteria I'm my checklist.

Right. The worn items went through nine,

and something to do with him pretty much being gay.

[sighs]

I didn't ignore that.

Because I am in such a good mood.

Yeah, I heard.

Wet crotch.

Of all the primates, Bonnebol-Monkeys

are the closest relatives to human beings

both genetically and socially.

Especially when it comes to sex.

They use sex as a way to name that argument.

One of my favorite techniques as well.

In fact, when they come upon a new food source,

they have a gang bang in order to decrease tension

and provide purpose and assessment.

Which is something I think we can much look into.

No, no, no, no. This is not for children.

It's okay. I know.

You do.

Sit on their ass all day and boss their men around.

Sounds like a great argument for evolution, if you ask me.

And that, my friends, is the ugly truth.

And we're out.

[sighs] Great job, Mike.

Thank you. See you guys later.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I've got an adult male Bonnebol-Monkey in my pants.

I'd like to see that.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Told you no watching the show, especially live.

I need some emergency advice.

Tracy McGever asked me at the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Is it dorky of us, A.S.?

Dorky.

Hell no.

Are you kidding?

You're ahead of the game.

Women are coming to you.

How cool that is.

Well, at least this moment.

Okay.

I'll get the hell out of here.

I'll see you at five.

Okay. We'll celebrate.

Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.

Hey, have I ever...

You mess with you?

Well, next door with my sister.

- Oh. - He's my nephew.

- Oh. - Good kid.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Uh, do me.

- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so guess what?

- What? - Colin called.

He wants to get together, then.

[tapping]

Oh, Lord.

Um, so, have I long?

Should I wait to have sex with him?

Well, the more you make him beg for it,

the more you're gonna keep him on the hook.

So, do everything else, but...

But then...

Show him that beneath that control-free exterior of yours,

that there's a sexual deviant waiting to be unleashed.

[chuckles]

No. No, not a sexual deviant.

Mm-hmm. Good point.

I'm guessing you've been out of practice for what?

A year? - No.

- How 11 months? - God.

11 months.

How do you live? Come on.

So how often do you, uh...

Do I what?

Do I what?

You know...

It's like the bean.

What bean?

You bean. Look at...

Oh!

Remember, you'll call it-- What is wrong with you?

No, well, actually, I call it masturbating,

but I thought that might offend your delicate lady-like

sensibilities.

So, how often do you flick it?

I don't know. I want to take you to flick it.

You only asking me that, so you can picture me flicking my

mind while you flip yours.

Oh, no. I would never picture you while I do that.

Which is not something I do. I don't do that.

Not ever.

- Mm-hmm. - Yes, you would.

- No. - Never?

No. No, I find it...

impersonal.

Abby, what could be more personal than you flicking your bean?

Oh, God. Just don't seem myself that way, okay?

Okay. Well, I do. Come here.

[clears throat]

Well, you better start.

Because if you don't want to have sex with you,

why the hell we call it?

[music playing]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

What is this?

Is this beauty?

What?

What, baby?

[footsteps]

[footsteps]

What does this start in?

How's stroke one?

Oh!

Vibrating brief.

WOW!

(music)

(music)

(music)

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Three.

(tapping)

(drum roll)

(humming)

(dramatic music)

(dog whimpers)

- I said he was running late.

What is he doing here already?

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Good, you're ready.

- Or what?

- The dinner with corporate.

Didn't you get my email?

- No, and I can't.

I have a date with Colin.

- You can't go because you have a date.

- Well, you have no idea how hard

those are for her to get.

(dog barks)

- Well then, let's pick him up on the way.

Come on, let's go, right now.

- Come on, let's go.

(door slams)

- Sorry to hijack your date, brother.

- No worries.

You're a producer as well?

- No, dude.

I'm the talent.

- So you're an anchor then?

- No, I do the ugly truth.

- Hasn't he ever seen our show?

- Come on, Stuart.

Our show's way too low, brown, for Colin.

- He's a doctor.

- Yes, that's right, he is.

- He doesn't want to hear about things like implants

and oral sex.

- You talk about oral sex?

- Oh, look, we're here.

(sighs)

- You invited the children twins.

- Yeah, but I was good thinking.

- Well, certainly, Gander.

- Oh, ladies.

- I look quite efficient.

(laughs)

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Harold, Bob, you remember Abby, right?

- Hi.

- I don't know my chat way, and who are these lovely ladies?

- Something tells me we won't be talking about the news tonight.

(laughs)

- I'm taking away.

- Shall we?

- It's my funny, doing a hell of a job.

- Yeah, couldn't agree more.

(laughs)

- That's a good one.

- That is wonderful.

- Thank you.

- So, you guys here to give me a raise or what?

(laughs)

- Oh, that's my guy.

- Always with the jokes.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

- Yeah.

(laughs)

- No, really.

We are very excited about this year's rating increases,

and we're hoping that in the next quarter we can...

Oh, God.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

(laughs)

- Oh, can you...

- Excuse me.

- Oh, shit.

- Sorry she's...

- What are you doing?

- I'm looking for the remote.

- What remote?

- It was...

- Oh, fuck.

- We'll do it.

- You're wearing them.

- No.

- No!

- No!

- Wow!

- Oh, are you okay?

- Yeah.

(laughs)

(grunts)

- Yeah.

(grunts)

- This...

- Saviche.

- It's...

- Fuck.

- Great possibly the best I have ever tasted.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna ask the chef for the recipe, please.

- Naby, hold on.

Tell Harold about the new teaser campaign

we're starting next week.

You're gonna love it.

- Sure.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

- Well, they're 15 seconds.

Every hour?

- One...

- The hour...

Yep, yep, yep.

(grunts)

- They're so...

(bell rings)

- So...

(upbeat music)

- You tell them, like...

- You should tell them.

- Yes, yes.

Yes, you tell them.

- Actually, I was really...

- Really, enjoy the way you were telling them.

It's...

It's great.

(upbeat music)

You were...

You were telling them.

(upbeat music)

- What sense of each?

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

- They're, um...

They're unlike anything you ever felt.

(sighs)

I mean, Dean.

And they're...

(upbeat music)

And my could tell I'm at my great-dude.

(sighs)

And they're just so...

(sighs)

So good, image.

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Fantastic, fantastic.

(sighs)

- Oh, my...

Oh, so so great.

Oh, God.

Yeah, you're gonna hop on...

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Oh, I got a lover enthusiasm, right?

(laughs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

I'm gonna...

(sighs)

use the restroom, if you'll...

(sighs)

- Excuse me.

(sighs)

(sighs)

- Sorry, buddy.

Let's wait 'til we...

(sighs)

- You know he had it the whole time.

- You've got the whole time, just part of the time.

I figured I should let you finish.

- How kind?

- Thanks for coming tonight to dinner.

That kind of coming.

- Mm-hmm.

- You like you, by the way.

Colin, I can tell.

- Really?

- We ready to go?

- Yeah.

- I'm glad you're here.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- Well, I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- I'm glad you're here.

- Yeah.

- I know Abby is.

- Great.

- Let's go.

- Take care.

Thanks.

- Okay.

(sighs)

- Well, that went well, I think.

Sure did.

- Yeah.

- Let's get a drink.

- I'm here.

(upbeat music)

♪ I gotta put you, get a bucket for the sunshine ♪

♪ And I gotta love in an old little song I know ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me ♪

♪ Stick some stones on them, we're gonna shake me up ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- A secret place ♪

- A secret place ♪

- A secret place ♪

- A secret place ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- You're better today ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- I'm glad you're here ♪

- I'm glad you're here ♪

- Take me away ♪

- I'm gonna fuck you, get a fuck of butter sunshine ♪

♪ I gotta love in an old little song I know ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me ♪

♪ Stick some stones on them, they're never gonna shake me up ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Never gonna shake me ♪

♪ Wish that you could put your anger on me ♪

♪ Do anything you can to control me up ♪

♪ Take me away ♪

- Go, go, go, go, go, go ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

- Take me away ♪

♪♪

♪ The sun is on my sky ♪

♪ And day before the ride ♪

♪ It's time to the sky ♪

♪ I know I'll be alright ♪

The sun is on my side, and break before I ride

It's from the to the sky, And go out the water

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

I just want you to be in confusion

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

Take me home

Okay, well, just conference me when you get hold of her

Okay, my

Alright, so we have the balloon festival coming up, and I thought for sweeps it might be nice to do a segment on how men are full of hot hair

Right? It was good, right?

No

No, well, we should still do some stuff on location, because you're great when you're interacting with people

I'm sorry, did you just say "I'm great?"

Yeah, kinda hard

Back at you, babe

Tell me this, why hasn't some fancy New York show stolen you away?

Oh, I'd much prefer Sacramento to New York

Come on, these are like being a big fish in a little pond, huh?

No, no, Sacramento isn't really a pond, it's more of a lake, or even an estuary

And it's a great place to raise a family, really good school systems, the parks are clean and well maintained and safe

And there's a much lower divorce rate here than there is in New York

Ah, yes, well, thank God Colin would never be into a woman like that

Oh yeah, I forgot Colin only likes women equality, huh?

This is great to be admired, not mocked, Manhore

Manhore? Why am I a manhore?

I've seen you with the fun bag twins, remember?

You saw me what?

Well, you saw me introduce them to some network executives?

They want to be actresses, baby, I mean who am I to kill their dream?

Mmm, mmm, mmm

That's such a generous man, now you're telling me you've never slept with them

Ah, well, no, I didn't say that

That's my point

Men, or manhores, prefer women in slutty clothes who suck lots of cock

Every man wants that, and for your information, I only slept with the one who could read

Wait a second, did you just say cock?

Yes, yes I did, I can say cock, you don't own the word cock, cock, cock

A cock, okay, I got it

A week ago you were crying at the thought of a vibrator, now you're cock this, cock that, cock cock cock

You slept with Kong, didn't you?

No, no

We didn't, we're saving that for this weekend, he's taking me to Lake Tahoe

Wow

Wow

Well, here's to overturning assumptions, huh?

I'm really a man of discriminating taste, and you're a foul mouse slut

Thank you

So, there you have it

Never assume a girl is easy or assumed she's approved

There are many layers in between, and it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers

and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with

That sounded almost enlightened

Because once you do, peel back those layers, my friends

Her lady garden awaits

And he's back

And I'm pretty sure you're gonna want to fertilize that patch of petunias

Well, thanks Mike

Coming up after this message, Javier tells us if your petunias are gonna see any rainfall this weekend

I sure hope, mind you

I want to go home, but let's go over this script right now

Yeah, let's get it done really quickly

Okay, I heard all the layers

There he is

Hey, what's up?

Good news, you're not gonna believe this

I got you on the late late show

With Craig Ferguson

They want you as his guest

Craig Ferguson wants me on his show

Yeah, shit in me

I am not sure

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, man

(laughter)

Hi, who are you?

Oh, this is Rick

I'm his agent

Since when do you have an agent?

And since when is it okay to book late night without the producers approval?

Uh, actually late late, it's too late

And since he became the hottest personality on morning TV

Have you seen this guy's ratings?

Yes, yes I have

Yeah, okay

Anyways, you leave tonight

It's all set

(laughter)

Cool

Come on, let's go

(laughter)

Oh my God

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

Do you want to see me?

I just found out that Mike's being offered a job at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco at twice the pay

Craig Ferguson is his audition

You can't be serious

Oh, I'm serious

Now if Bob and Harold find out about this, we're dead

Now I need you to fly out there and talk him out of it

I'm going to Lake Tahoe this weekend

Just don't let him know that you know beforehand, go ahead and let him do the show and get us our publicity

And then convince him that he needs to sign on with us for the next three years

It's all we can do

(music)

Yeah, let's do it

I'm pulling up, I'm going to try to catch it before he goes

(music)

Thank you

Hello little stupid penis face

You would still be able to have cable access for work from me

Here you want to move to CBS?

Is everything okay, Miss?

Yes, I'm just practicing my speech

(music)

Abby?

What are you doing here? I thought you were going to Tahoe

Couldn't spend a day without me, could you?

Oh yes, I just can't get enough of your sparkling wit and charm

Stuart thought you needed a producer more than I needed to get laid

So come on, I've got to check in, maybe even five minutes

Whoa, thank you

Five minutes, take talk, take talk

Yes dear

Okay, so let's go over the pre-energy questions

I'm sorry you didn't get the spectacular call this weekend

And by little I don't mean undersized, although I highly suspect that's the case

Collins penis, that's what you want to talk about right now?

'Cause I thought maybe we should talk about what you're going to say on the show

Yeah, okay

So tell me Mike, how did the ugly truth start?

Well, Mr. Irish, Greg Ferguson

I had a sales job where I was driving around a lot listening to talk radio

I started calling in and then I realized I'm smarter than everybody else

Just asked my producer happy, she thinks I'm a genius on days when she's not sexually frustrated

Oh yes, thousands of lives have been enriched by your wisdom

Excuse me lady, but you have a boyfriend right now because of me

Hey, it may have started because of you, but it's lasted because of me

Great, so you're acting like your normal control freak psycho self again

I am not a control freak

When you checked into the hotel, did you or did you not insist on getting an eastern facing room on a floor not below seven?

I like rising with the sun and a few

Ha ha ha ha

My point is that Colin likes the Mike version of Abi, not the Abi version of Abi, so don't go knocking my words of wisdom

When you're living proof that they work

Yeah, I can be having sex right now

Right this way please

Dude this is awesome, you are about to go on national television

Hey this isn't helping Rick

Just you don't do what you always do

What do I always do?

You are...

You entertain millions of people with your moronic ideas, I may love you

I think it may be the nicest thing you ever said to me

You're welcome

Next up, here to tell us the ugly truth about men and women is Mike Chardon me

Mike Chardon me when he makes that noise

(applause)

Thank you

(applause)

Come on up

(applause)

Hey Harry folks

All right Mike welcome

Now listen, men, we men, I think I can say we men

Not necessarily we men, but men of all sizes

We're not exactly known for our expertise and matters of the heart

But here you have some very interesting ideas and theories

What advice would you give to the good people out there that are looking for love?

My advice would be don't do it

We try to find lust instead

It's a lot easier and a lot less messy

Blue ball, they only last a few hours, but a broken heart, that can last years

(laughter)

(applause)

Can this me?

Tell me then, what's up, ma'am?

Who?

The woman that screwed you up, she must have been a doozy

(silence)

Well, like I said, better or flusier than a doozy

(applause)

(music)

Hi, that was good, man, happy to be here in Turquoise

(music)

(music)

That you're getting in the hour

I'm working on it, I gotta go

Where's Rick?

I said I'm home, I thought maybe you and I could celebrate on their own here

Give me some of that

And what exactly are we celebrating?

Hello, Rick Ferguson, I was just on it, maybe you saw

I heard about the offer from CBS

Well then, maybe you heard I turned it down

You did?

Why?

Jonah, you know, he needs me around

I may not be the best father figure out there, but

I'm the only one he's got and I don't want to half-ass it all away from San Francisco

Well, I think that's a very good decision

Thank you, now can we stop talking about work and maybe relax and drink and joy? God

Tell me about the doozy, you know the woman who broke your heart

You are just totally trying to kill my boss

No, I'm not, I'm just interested in what makes you you

Well, for your information it was more than just one

It was more like a parade

Codependent girls, unfaithful girls, depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls

Girls who had turned out didn't actually like me

By the time I had 30 I realized that you can only have so many lousy relationships

Before you figure out such a thing as a good one

You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship

To my very core

Hello, can I get you something?

All of one of those please

Okay, I'm Okeydo, sure, would you like anything else?

Uh, yeah, some water

Would you like still or sparkling?

Top water is good, thanks

Tap, alright?

What?

It's the exact same thing, isn't it?

So I've been told

Come on, let's dance

No, I'm serious

I've seen your spazzy dance, and I don't want to see the real thing

No, really, I can't dance like that

Okay

Kind of

Oh, Mike, no

No

[music]

[music]

The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you smiles at me off, the way you move, the way you move;

Makes me glad that I wake you, the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you smiles at me off, the way you move,

The way true takes me glad that I'm weary

But the world, the way true, the way true

The way true takes me glad that I'm weary

But the way true, the way true, the way true

Of me, the way true takes me glad that I'm weary

But the way true takes me glad that I'm weary

(Aah, aah, aah, aah)

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you smile said to me, oh, the way you move, the way you move

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

We have an early flight.

Tomorrow we should go.

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

There, there we go.

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

So the car is gonna pick us up downstairs tomorrow at 18, I call you?

No, get away, good call.

Yeah, good deal.

(Aah, aah, aah, aah)

I had a really good time tonight.

Me too.

Yeah.

(Doorbell rings)

To my floor?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

8 o'clock.

(Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah)

Oh.

Good night.

Yeah.

Have a fun.

Yeah.

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

I guess so.

I guess I should, I should go, huh?

Night.

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

(Doorbell rings)

I'm almost left.

Why do I want to do it again?

(Knocking on door)

(Doorbell rings)

Missed me?

Colin.

You were expecting someone else?

No.

Mm.

Um, since you couldn't come to Lake Tahoe,

I decided to come to you.

Oh, how did you know I was here?

Joy told me.

I just started thinking about all the stuff we were going to do there,

and I, uh, come here.

Decided I couldn't wait.

Oh.

Little champagne?

Yeah.

Great.

I'm so happy to be here.

Oh, yes.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

You just surprised me.

You told me you were spontaneous.

Yes, I did.

Have a little something else on its way up for you.

You are going to love it.

(Door slams)

Oh, my God.

Oh, whoa!

(Laughing)

We'll tell you it comes out so fast, right?

Oh, wow.

Guess we'll have to get naked sooner than I thought.

I'll get you a towel.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

I mean, I, I, I, uh,

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Harry, I really, really want to do that again

and not just tonight.

Fuck!

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

Come here, come here.

I'm not up, Chad way.

You can do this.

(Sighs)

(Sighs)

(Knocking)

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

You're not room service.

How you doing, man?

Hey, uh, hey.

See you.

I, uh, I just came by to tell Abby about the changing our flight time.

But I, I don't know about you later.

I'm not going to mind, I'm not going to mind later.

Hey!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Uh, flights changed.

Eight o'clock.

Good morning.

I, I told you that.

Ready?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Long day.

Big day.

Okay.

I'm just leaving out.

Yeah.

(Sighs)

Mike.

Mike.

Hey, me.

He came to surprise me.

Hey.

Hey, how convenient.

No, I, I thought it was you at the door.

I guess we're all interchangeable.

I thought you well.

Hey, maybe you could even host the show.

(Sighs)

Tell me what happened to me, elevator.

Should I tell Colin to go?

No.

No light pull up anger now.

You work damn hard to get on me, are you?

That's it.

That's all you have to say.

What do you want me to say?

I'm the truth is ugly, isn't it?

Guess what I've been trying to tell you.

Hmm.

I'll see you.

(Sighs)

♪

I'm sorry about that.

Honestly, no worries.

Come here.

Listen, the rest of the night is ours.

To the first of many romantic evenings to come.

(Tink clinks)

Whoa.

Okay.

Mm, yeah.

Colin, why do you like me?

Oh.

Uh, uh, you beautiful?

You're smart?

You, uh, you never criticize?

You know what?

You never try to control the situation.

And I've got to say, it's a breath of fresh air

because I know so many women who are total control freaks

and it's a nightmare.

And I just love that you're not like that.

But I am.

I am just like that.

Wait, what do you mean?

Well, this should be chilled.

But you know that.

And, uh, as horrible as it sounds,

I was editing that speech the entire time you were giving it.

And the time you fed me caviar,

I was in physical pain.

I hate being fed like a toddler.

That's how much of a control freak I am.

But I couldn't show you any of that

because who would love someone like that?

No one.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

I'm so sorry.

You are a great guy.

You really are.

Which is why I have to tell you that I have not been myself.

Not for one second of the time that we've been dating.

I know of you, Ben.

They grew up so many, it told me to be.

(soft piano music)

Good morning, Freddie.

What did you do to him?

I didn't do anything.

He miss a plate all on his own.

He quit this morning.

He just got a smug call from the local CBS affiliate saying they closed the deal with them corporates having a shit bit.

What the hell happened?

He quit to go to one of our local competitors?

We don't need my chatway.

Half Whit troggled Idris or a dime a dozen.

Well, you better be right because you've got to find me another one by the end of the week or else we're cancelled!

I'll find one by the end of the week.

It's not really.

I'm just a joke, everybody.

I can't believe I allowed myself to feel anything for him.

Well, you thought enough something to break up with Colin?

I'm sorry.

Okay, hear the mic chat with replacements.

Hmm.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Fuck no.

No.

So, what do you think of the new set?

I love it.

KSXP retained the copyright to your old segment title, so we retitled you morning madness with Mike.

Love it.

And this is Joe, your new producer.

Hi.

You know what I like best about you, Joe?

It's that I'm going to have sex with you at all.

I'm going to leave to hear that.

Give myself to you.

It was like giving myself to a chain town.

If you've got any local wives, it's the only thing that you've got to go for.

Give myself to you.

I've given myself to a chain town.

If you've got any local wives, it's the only thing that you've got to go for.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Hey, how's my face?

Is it too shiny?

Which side is better, right?

Left?

Full frontal?

They're all great.

Can we go over your intro one more time?

I'm Jack Magnum, and this is...

The Ugly Truth.

Okay, let's maybe lose the gun thing.

What?

Guns my signature move.

Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month, I say lose the effing gun.

Right.

We're lying in five, four, three...

I think this guy's any good?

He better be.

I'm Jack Magnum, and this is the Ugly Truth.

Peace.

Oh, Jesus, he's going political.

Okay, so we'll do a couple questions with the balloon pilot about how often couples get it on in flight, and then we're out.

Got it?

Hey, check it out, your replacement song.

The only truth is Jack Magnum.

How's it going out there, Jack?

Your...the...placement?

Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get checks.

Well, let me assure you, you're in good hands.

You're looking at a guy who...

Personally, has had sex with over 137 women.

Most of them conscious.

Ho, ho, ho.

This is beautiful.

Now, we're here at the balloon festival, and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air.

But I think we all know it's the ladies that are full of crap.

Just because she says no doesn't mean she means no.

If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women.

Okay, all right.

What the hell?

Did you...oh.

Welcome back.

It looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulty.

Yeah, when you have a...a wine festival.

I got it.

Hi.

Hi.

We're back.

I'm sorry, but Jack Magnum will no longer be able to do the ugly truth.

Which should really come as no surprise, because men are completely unreliable.

What is she doing?

Yes, yes, Harold. Yes.

Yes, I know. We're fixing it.

Take my Chadwick, for instance.

He up and quit the show without so much as a word.

You think you know what men are going to do.

You think you know what men want to do.

But when it comes right down to that moment where they actually need to step up and, I don't know, make a move, they chicken out.

Oh, I am all over this.

Where are you going? We're live in two.

It's going great, isn't it?

The big, strong, brave men that we've all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we were nine years old, that's a fallacy. They don't exist.

Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men are afraid.

It's all part of the show, it's sort of an Andy Kaufman type of thing that we're doing.

Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it's totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copying to it.

Because why men are weak?

Let me tell you something about women.

Hey.

Women would have us believe that they are the victims, that we break their hearts for sport. I thought he quit.

That's crap.

You see, Bob, I told you we didn't do that.

They say they want you love you, but all they want is a checklist. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor?

For you men who fit the criteria, don't get yourselves, because they're not sleeping with you.

They're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of "veno choices". Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles.

No gesture, no matter how real or romantic, will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.

This coming from a man who's never made a gesture other than this one.

Oh, so the elevator wasn't a gesture?

The elevator was a moment of passion, followed by a moment of panic on your part, apparently.

Panic? I came by your room.

Yes, and then you ran away.

That was a panic, sweetheart. That was an unwillingness to compete with the walking checklist who was in your bed. She'd be thanking me.

We got ten seconds.

Oh, ready to soar up and away?

Well, there you have it, folks. That's the ugly truth. A girl in heat for two guys will always choose the one with the better resume.

That is a bull!

And Ralph.

God, I hate you so much, I just swore on live television.

No, you hate yourself for me so shallow.

Off we go.

Where are we going?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Oh, well, that's a shocker in your belly.

I wouldn't recommend that.

Keep going on the onboard camera.

What do you mean?

God, what's wrong with you?

They don't even know they're on the air, do they?

Uh-uh.

Is there any way to tell them that they're on the air?

Nope. Oh, they're going to curse.

I know it.

So who wants champagne?

Oh, I know. I got a great idea. Why don't we pass the time with you telling me how much fun you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?

I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass.

You're left, you'll see the...

Icyaras.

What?

Listening in the morning sun.

Oh, yeah, that's got your interest.

Well, if you think we're going to finish what we started in LA, you are out of your mind.

You lost your chance.

Oh, come on. I never had a chance with you.

And who are right?

You'll see the lovely Sacramento River, winding its way through the diachromatic landscape.

Could you please stop talking? Thank you.

You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgment when I thought you were more than you are, but you weren't.

Clearly.

Oh, yeah? What does that mean?

I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love. It's scary.

Oh, for God's sake. There's the first one.

Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying, especially when I'm in love with a cycle like you.

I am not a psycho.

Love?

Oh?

I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was "cycle."

Well, you're the definition of "neurotic."

No, the definition of "neurotic" is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts,

and physical ailments without any objective evidence of-

Shut up.

Yet again, I just told you I'm in love with you, and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.

You're in love with me.

Why?

It beats the shit out of me.

But I am.

[music]

Oh, my God.

You're amazing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're good.

Really?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[panting]

Am I really that good?

Are you- are you just faking it?

[laughing]

You'll never know.

[laughing]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

I got a couple of bands that A couple of bands and my foot but playing's making a dance

You dirty young like this pot, I'm laughing

Rebuilding couples that's made out of hate

She's amazing about your place and how it engaging

Girl, won't you move a lot closer?

Time to get paid is maximum wage

That body belong with a hostel

Up in the days, that bottom is waiving

Make me like them and I know you

You want to shoot like a dun of the hostel?

Tell me what better than I'm a USO for good

You must be my head right round, right round

When you go down with your hands

When you go down with your hands

You spin my head right round, right round

When you go down, when you go down

From the time I'm holding on, I want to go

She got me throwing my money up

Ain't nothing more beautiful to me

It's going down with my tongue

From the time I'm holding on, I want to go

She got me throwing my money

Ain't nothing more beautiful to me

It's rolling down with your hands

Yeah, I'm spinning my money

I'm out of control

Somebody help me

She taking my bank too

But I'm king of the club

And I'm wearing a crown

Wobbly bottles, such as these bottles

Watching the answers won't hold on

Now, now, now, now, now

Now, now, now, now, now

Now, now, now, now

Now, now, now

You must be my head right round

When you go down with your hands

When you go down, now

You spin my head right round

Right round, right round

When you go down

When you go down

You must be my head right round

When you go down

When you go down

Now, now, now

You spin my head right round

Right round, right round

When you go down

When you go down

You

You

You

(upbeat music)

[Music]

(lively music)

[upbeat music]

(upbeat music)

[MUSIC]

(upbeat music)

[MUSIC]

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

[ Music ]

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