Original subtitles

man: Why do people do the things they do?

That question more than any other has consumed my life.

Human behavior is my business--

well, at least it will be if I ever get my degree.

My name is stan warden.

I'm a psychology major.

Unfortunately, so far, all we do is study rats.

It's only the first week.

I guess you've got to work up to real people.

My parents spent everything they had

putting me through central michigan.

I even lived at home to save money.

Now that I'm in grad school, I live in my car to save money.

So, when I saw this ad to live rent-free

as an apartment manager in hollywood

I decided to check it out.

What have I got to lose?

( distant siren blaring )

all right.

Sigmund, old buddy...

Wish me luck.

Okay...

( rings )

( three beeps )

recording: We're sorry...

( door buzzes )

you looking for somebody?

Uh, yeah, I'm supposed to meet the, uh...

Supposed to meet the owner here

about the new manager job.

Did you say "manager"?

Yeah, yeah. Like I said

I'm just waiting here for the owner.

It's a dr. Calgari?

Do you... Do you guys... Do you know him?

Yeah, I know him.

Uh, that's him

right over there.

Oh, thanks.

( crash )

is he okay?

( sighs )

dr. Calgari?

I could be.

I'm stan warden.

We, uh, spoke on the... On the phone about the job.

Job?

Yes... Yes, managing... Managing the apartments.

You ever work for a foreign government?

Uh, no.

Why?

Can't be too careful.

Congratulations, you're hired.

Wow! Really?

That was easy.

Great.

Um, would you like to show me around, maybe?

Great idea.

Welcome to the wonder view apartments.

This building

was designed by frank lloyd wright's cousin, iggy.

It's been designated

as an official architectural anomaly.

But, of course, it is the people that live here

that make this place special.

Hey, you don't smoke, do you?

Uh, no.

You ought to give it a try.

Now, over here we have the pool.

It's the only one of this shape

in the western hemisphere.

Do you swim?

Yes.

It's a dangerous habit.

Is... Is there something down on the bottom of the pool?

Men: Can I help you?

No, we're just having a look around.

I'm...

I'm stan warden.

I'm the new manager here.

Let me guess...

The last guy got fired.

( both chuckle )

( chuckling )

I'm not sure.

Maybe dr. Calgari knows.

Wait... Where'd he go?

Oh!

Oh, there he is.

I better catch up to him.

It's nice meeting you.

Uh... You two.

I was wondering what happened to you.

Um...

So, what exactly are my duties here?

Harassing tenants-- what do you think?

( chuckles )

new manager?

You're looking at him.

Yeah, hi, I'm...

You know, I've seen

22 managers come and go in my time.

I'm going to be here long after you're gone.

You just keep that in mind--

we're going to get along just fine.

You got that?

Yes.

You and me been here

longer than anybody, haven't we, chett?

I guess you're right, frank.

Oh, listen, well, we got to keep moving.

( quietly ): Ex-cia.

But if he's ever captured, he'll deny it.

Cia? Really?

Deep cover.

Don't believe a word he says, kid.

( chuckling nervously ): Oh... I won't.

Aw, don't mind frank.

He's a little cranky ever since his dog died.

Oh, well, that's hard.

When did that happen?

1958.

I'll give him about a half a day.

And I love the view from here.

I don't get a chance to see much from where I'm at now.

21 apartments-- count them.

Not as easy as you think.

You could spend years

getting to know these tenants as people.

Hell, just going through their trash

is a full-time job.

What?

There's an interesting layout here.

( woman screaming )

wait, shouldn't we break this up?

Are you kidding?

( grunting )

woman: Kiki, that took too long.

It was 15 seconds.

I know.

I got to work on my balance.

( grunts )

whoa, hey!

Whoa.

I'm sorry, chett... Sorry.

I didn't see you there.

Aw, that's okay.

That was an impressive display of martial arts

you girls put on there.

Yeah, I'm just showing kiki some new moves for work.

Hey, kiki's a body double.

Oh! Oh, really?

Well, have I, um...

Seen any of your, uh, work before?

( laughing )

okay, okay, let's see.

I've been, um... Julia roberts' legs...

Both: Michelle pfeiffer's buns...

And kim basinger's everything.

Oh!

If you saw her naked, you'd recognize her.

That must be very... Very interesting work.

It's a job, yeah.

Hey, maybe you could help us out.

Come on, come on, choke me.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me?

We need an assailant

so I can check her technique.

No, no, I really... Oh!

( hard punch and groaning )

okay... Okay.

How do you want me to do this?

Hands on throat-- psycho-style.

Psycho style...

No, no, really try to choke me-- harder.

Like... Like... Like this!

Okay.

I just don't want to hurt her.

( growling ): Harder!

( growls ): Kill!

( warden groans )

just a little bit more velocity

and you could have shoved his nose

right up into his brain.

Let me show you.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, maybe a little bit later.

Stan here's a very busy man.

Official business and all, you know.

Come on, stan.

There you go.

Hold it.

( chuckling )

sorry about the nose.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Some of the feeling is starting to come back now.

Good.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah.

This is going to be great. Perfect.

You know, I think she did that on purpose.

Consider yourself lucky.

Excuse me?

Consider yourself lucky.

Last guy who tangled with her

wound up in a neck brace.

Oh, thanks for the tip.

Uh, by the way, I'm stan.

I'm the new manager here.

Fuck do I care?

I don't live in this dump.

Oh, my... My mistake.

Nice meeting you.

Psychology, huh?

Well, you've come to the right place.

Yes, the university has

one of the top psych departments in the country.

No, I meant the wonder view apartments.

You want to learn about people

you go where people are.

Woman: Oh, god.

Excuse me.

Can I, uh... Can I help you?

Only if you're a locksmith.

Better than that-- he's the manager.

Really?

Oh, well, this key doesn't work.

Do you mind if I give it a try?

Okay.

( blowing )

hey!

There you go. It works.

See, um, you just have to be real easy with it

until you... Break it in.

Thanks.

Any time.

Nice job, kid.

I knew you had management potential

the second I saw you.

You think so, huh?

Absolutely.

And I think the girl likes you.

Warden: I was beginning to believe that fate had lured me

to the wonder view apartments

but what I didn't know was just what fate

had in store for me.

Dr. Calgari?

Dr. Calgari?

You must be the new manager.

Uh, yes, I am.

How did you know?

Just a feeling.

I'm sissy... Chenille-- apartment 13.

Stan warden.

You should be careful around water.

Is that just a feeling?

Oh, a very strong one.

Oh, okay, well, I'll... I'll keep that in mind.

( alarm blaring nearby )

( sighs )

woman: Why does she keep calling you?

Man: She's your friend.

Was my friend.

Hey, man, you look lost.

Can I help you?

Yeah... Hi. I'm looking for the owner.

He was just here.

Oh, dr. Calgari--

plastic surgeon to the stars

and a weaselly landlord.

That's him right there, by the manager's apartment.

No, no, that's not him.

No, no, that's him.

I'd recognize that shiny-ass bald head anywhere.

Okay

you look confused.

See you.

Good luck, man.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, are you dr. Calgari?

Don't you have cable?

Huh?

Cable tv.

Don't you recognize me?

Dr. Calgari, plastic surgeon of the stars.

I did cher... Professionally speaking.

You must have seen my ad.

No, no, see, I just moved out here.

Did you see a short guy

rumpled suit, wearing a hat?

I don't know what you're talking about

and I don't care.

Oh, you were the kid I talked to on the phone?

Yes, yes.

Yes, but I thought that...

What?

Um... Nothing, nothing.

So is the job still available?

Looks like.

The last malcontent I hired--

he took a powder for parts unknown.

Wherever he is, he's fired!

When can you start?

A tiny voice inside of me was screaming, "run! Run away!"

well, actually, uh...

Then again, the job did have possibilities.

I could start anytime.

Good, cause you're the only one who showed up.

How do you like your new apartment?

Nice.

What a bunch of crap, huh?

You can never tell which ones are some kind of nut.

Obsessive-compulsive.

Whatever.

Well, it's all yours now, kid.

Consider it a perk.

Here are the master keys.

Don't call me unless the building is on fire.

Good luck, kid.

Don't you want to show me around?

Explore on your own time.

I try to make it a policy

never to rub elbows with the clientele.

That's what you're here for.

I'll be back in a month

to pick up the rent.

Oh, clean the pool, would you?

Yep... I'm on top of it.

Oh, uh...

Oh, dr. Calgari...

Watch yourself, kid.

Watch yourself.

Who is that man?

He's the homeless crazy person.

He's been hanging around here for years.

What do you want to know about him for?

Oh, no reason.

I like you, kid.

Don't fuck with me

and we'll be big pals.

( buzzes )

( alarm blares nearby )

( sighs )

home sweet home.

Well, sigmund, I got the job.

I got the apartment.

All I need now is a girlfriend and a subject for my thesis

and I will have what is commonly referred to as a life.

What do you think?

( sighs )

yeah, I know.

( muffled banging )

( banging continues )

( banging continues )

man: Shut up.

Hi.

Hurry up, baby.

My buzz is wearing off.

( car engine starts )

( coughing )

if men are from mars and women are from venus

how in the hell did we wind up on earth?

( keys jingling )

hmm. "tenants important."

"property of glumley."

"day 187...

"don't know how much more I can take.

Nine is watching."

"day 215...

Must change clothes but his will is too strong."

"day 299...

"must act now.

If I hesitate, nine will control me completely."

( sighs )

I hope this guy isn't coming back.

Bang!

"you talking to me?

Huh?"

"you talking to me?"

well, I'm the only one that's here.

Okay.

Bang!

( rattling, objects falling )

( screams )

earthquake!

Earthquake!

Man: You say that every time, like it's some kind

of knee-jerk reaction.

When I decide to knee a jerk

you will be the first to know.

Man, oh, man

did you feel that?

Feel what?

The earthquake.

You know, maybe we did feel

a little shaking.

Yeah, definitely.

You got to watch out for those aftershocks.

That... That was an earthquake

we just had, right?

Oh, I... I found this.

It was in the other guy's stuff.

( static squealing )

( man speaking foreign language on radio )

good morning.

I doubt the good citizens of moscow

would agree with you on that.

Hey, watch it!

Excuse me.

Well, I wondered where that chair got off to.

Bet if you fish around in there a bit more

you'll probably find my favorite chaise lounge.

Well, there's something else down there.

( grunting )

got it.

This is really heavy.

Do you mind giving me a hand with this?

Yes, I do.

It's only a chaise lounge.

Okay.

All right.

One, two, three.

( grunting )

oh, my god!

That's not my chaise lounge.

Grab him!

Get him!

Flip him over.

Ouch.

Just an educated guess

but I'd say he's been in there for a while.

Look, you cut yourself.

Do you... Do you know who he is?

Do you recognize him?

He's so puffed up

I doubt his mama could even recognize him.

"property of glumley?"

glumley.

Wait a minute.

Wait!

Everything in my apartment is labeled

property of this... Of-of glumley.

This is the missing manager.

You know that old manager always did wear

those coveralls just like that, too.

Oh...

I...

I... Excuse me.

( retching )

well, I guess that explains

why he quit cleaning the pool.

( laughing evilly )

warning: No lifeguard on duty.

Hurry up, peaches.

Beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Man: Mm. Tragedy.

Woman: Yeah. What a surprise.

Man 2: Well, better him than us.

Man 3: What's the difference between "grande" and "latte" anyway?

Why can't someone just make a decent cup of coffee?

Man 4: Who cares, man?

It's just a marketing gimmick.

Double decaf latte with nonfat milk.

What is it

with you forensics guys?

Diver: Well, if you knew what I knew

you'd drink decaf, too.

Any more bodies in there?

Not so far.

But that is the deepest pool I've ever seen.

We'll have to drain it to be sure.

So, who found the body?

I did.

And you are...?

Stan warden.

When did you find said body?

Well, it was about noon.

I came out here to clean the pool

and there he was.

On the chaise lounge?

No... No, no, he was in the pool.

He... He helped me.

Helped you what?

I helped pull your deceased out of the water.

Yeah, he's... He's telling the truth, officers.

That's how it happened.

And you are?

I'm...

Just a couple of concerned tenants

that would like to remain anonymous, if that's okay.

Whatever.

You were saying?

Stan: Uh, the dead man

was the manager here.

He's been missing for two weeks.

His name is gary w. Glumley.

Now, that's g-l-u-m...

L-e...

Y. Y.

"y"-- yes.

Those his boots you're wearing?

Oh... Oh, yeah, yeah.

I guess

these would be his boots.

But I can explain.

Where do you live, mr. Warden?

I'm in apartment one.

Apartment one.

That would be the manager's apartment.

I am the manager.

I thought he was the manager.

Well, he was the manager.

But I am the manager now.

I just started yesterday.

See, the apartment came with the job

and so do the boots.

See, that's what I was going to try and explain to you.

Okay.

Just for our notes, we want to be clear.

He drowns.

You get his job

his apartment

and all his personal possessions.

Yes.

I me... No.

Well, okay, you know, technically...

Yes, that is true.

It's just that the way you say that just sounds so...

You know...

Suspicious?

Uh...

If I were you, I'd clam up.

( gulp )

folks, if I could have

your attention for a minute.

We just need to know

if any of you have seen anything... Unusual.

Anything at all.

How about you, mr. Warden?

You're the manager.

I'm sure you've seen something.

Gee, detectives

nothing unusual ever seems to happen around here.

Chenille: Oh! Detectives culver

and duarte.

I should have known.

You... You know each other?

Unfortunately, yes.

I'm a police psychic.

The l.A.P.D. And I

go way back.

The incredible miss chenille

just can't stay away from a good homicide.

You won't get much tabloid ink on this one.

The victim's a nobody.

I'm not here on a case.

I live here.

Is it who I think it is?

Say, you aren't the miss chenille

who solved the hollywood hacker murders?

Oh, that was a long time ago.

Oh, no. I am your biggest fan.

That was an amazing case.

Chenille: Thank you.

I'm glad to see

the men in forensics still appreciate talent.

( sniffles )

poor man.

Say, miss chenille

why don't you help us out here?

Just one suspect.

It's been a slow week.

Sorry, boys.

I'm off the clock.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess we'll just have to do it

the old-fashioned way.

( screams )

come on now, kiki

you acting like you never saw

a dead body before.

Duarte: Excuse me, ma'am.

Miss.

Detective duarte.

Homicide.

This is detective culver.

Oh, neat. Homicide.

May we be of any assistance?

Diver: These are really nice apartments.

Is this rent-controlled?

Calgari: What the hell

is going on here?

There you are, you lazy bastard.

Before I fire you officially

where the hell have you been?

The bottom of the pool.

I am not talking to you!

Bottom of the pool?

I'm afraid, uh...

He's... Uh, dr. Calgari, he's dead.

Calgari: Oh.

What's he doing

smoking a cigarette, then?

Culver: That your idea of a joke, mr. Warden?

Studying human behavior in the abstract

was looking better and better.

You can conduct a controlled experiment

to replicate any situation you might find in a human habitat.

A maze has all the twists and turns of real life.

And the best part is...

It's happening to a rat

instead of me.

I'm telling you, it was an optical illusion.

First you said it was peripheral vision

and now you're saying it was an optical illusion.

Why don't you just admit it?

Man: Admit what?

Passes through my peripheral vision

doesn't mean I'm checking her out.

You weren't using peripheral vision.

You were using your x-ray vision.

Hey!

I saw you do that sneaky little look at the girl's bosom--

the one you men think we don't see.

See, that's the optical illusion

I'm talking about.

I only have eyes for you.

Oh, save it for the girls you've been staring at.

Hi, miles.

Hey, tasha.

I got any mail?

What was that for?

Tasha!

You the manager?

Yeah, you bet.

I got a package.

For apartment 17.

And it's not going to fit in the box.

Okay, I'll take it.

You will?

Yeah, no problem.

No problem.

( chuckling )

that's a good one.

No problem.

( grunting ): Okay.

Let's see.

Fifteen...

Sixteen...

Eighteen.

( groans )

one more time.

Fifteen...

Sixteen...

Eighteen.

It's got to be around here somewhere.

( grunts )

aha!

No number.

( buzzer )

you are coming through.

Um, hi.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you

but I'm the new manager

and I've got a package to deliver to apartment 17.

I know this sounds weird

but I can't find that apartment

and I was wondering if this might be 17.

( garbled mumbling )

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

( mumbling continues )

I... I still can't hear you.

What?

( very loud feedback )

this is apartment nine!

I've got nothing to do with that.

Go away.

Can I help you?

What?

Can I help you?

What's with this guy?

That's the guy in apartment nine.

He doesn't like people much.

That's probably why he stays in that apartment.

He's lived next to me for ten years

and I couldn't pick him out of a lineup.

Why don't you come in?

No, that's okay.

I'm just looking for apartment 17.

You wouldn't happen to know where it went to, would you?

Fourteen.

Fifteen.

Sixteen.

Eighteen.

See, I told you.

That's funny.

I never noticed.

You picking up anything psychic?

No.

Not a twitch.

I'm sure it will turn up.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure it will.

I was right about the water, though.

Wasn't I?

Yes... Yes, you were.

How did you know that?

A professional secret.

Don't be a stranger.

Okay.

Good luck.

( grunts )

okay, okay.

Fifteen...

Sixteen...

Eighteen.

Seventeen?

Okay, I give up.

I give up.

Oh.

Oh...

( grunts )

( cries out )

mr. Manager.

Just the man I wanted to see.

Come here.

Come here.

What's the matter?

You seem nervous.

Every time I see you

you got that nervous thing going.

You all right?

No, I'm not nervous.

I'm just sleep deprived.

I... I'm from the midwest, I just moved out here.

A@ it's a time zone thing.

What the fuck-ever luck.

Don't be so worried.

I like you.

You know how to keep your mouth shut.

It would have been easy to piss your pants--

mention to the cops some strange noises you might have heard.

You didn't do that.

I like that.

Makes me trust you.

When you ask around, anybody will tell you

I have a real problem with trust.

Well, you know, you're not alone.

A lot of people have problems with that issue.

What the fuck-ever luck.

Point is, I trust you.

Because of that, I want to ask you a favor.

You can say no.

Of course that would shatter my trust in you.

I'll do what I can.

Of course you will.

Come on.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Sure, she's attractive.

Attractive?!

The woman is un-fucking-believably beautiful.

I'd do anything for that woman, anything.

Include kill anybody

that might attempt to come between my alice and I.

That's where you come in.

Me?

You.

I want you to keep an eye on my alice.

She spends too much time alone.

I need somebody I can trust

to look out for my interests.

Well, listen, I always try to keep my eye out

for all of my neighbors.

Fuck the neighbors!

Keep an eye on her, and on this... Whoever he is.

He comes sniffing around, you tell me.

Listen...

You know, she seems like such a nice girl.

Maybe you're just overreacting.

Let me tell you about overreacting, all right.

A few months ago

when we first started going out...

You know how it is--

still getting to know each other and everything.

Anyway, I'm going through her mail

and, damn, there's this postcard from hawaii

and it's signed, "love brad."

ha!

"love brad."

know what I'm saying?

This caught me at a vulnerable moment

because I just fucking snapped!

You know... Made a few calls

found out this brad guy was back from hawaii.

So I decided to pay him a visit

see how his trip was.

Never got around to it; he was too busy bleeding.

Anyways, turns out the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

Little did I know brian wasn't interested in girls.

Gay.

( chuckling ): I was shocked.

I felt really bad.

I almost paid his doctor bills.

Anyways, don't tell me about overreacting, okay?

I'm the king of overreacting.

Just keep an eye on her.

I'll keep my eye on you.

All right?

( sighs )

that night, my subconscious wouldn't leave me alone.

The more I tried to think about a subject for my thesis

the more I was distracted by thoughts of my new job.

( thumping )

( big band dance music playing )

now what?

( rattling )

( groans )

( knocking )

stan: Jack and jill, ballroom dance champions.

Great... Just great.

( exhales deeply )

oh!

Like to watch, do you, mr. Warden?

Okay...

But don't you need a warrant to search my apartment?

Well, we would if we were searching your apartment

but our records show

that this apartment is still leased

to the victim.

And we don't need a warrant to search a victim's domicile.

What is it that you're looking for?

( urinating )

oh, a little of this, a little of that.

Well, well, well.

I hope you have a permit for this gun.

Never saw that before in my life.

Well, what's it doing in your apartment?

Well, I thought this was his apartment.

Wouldn't that make it his gun?

Besides, didn't this guy drown?

Think you're smart, huh, perry mason?

Man, I hope we don't find your prints on this gun.

Okay, okay, okay, wait a minute.

Wait, wait...

Maybe I did see that gun before.

Oh, why'd you lie?

I don't know.

I... I... I... I shouldn't have.

I... It won't happen again.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know

you guys have got me really, really spooked, okay?

I... I opened up the drawer last night

looking for a tenant's list.

I found the gun and a journal.

Now, whoever this guy was

he was profoundly mentally ill.

You got something against the mentally ill?

No, no, I don't.

I... I... I moved out here to study psychology.

I love the mentally ill.

No, no, I don't... I don't love love them.

I just... I want to work with them.

Help people.

( sighs )

hey, where's this journal?

That ought to clear things up.

I can't find it.

I don't know.

It's buried there somewhere

underneath all of that junk

from the earthquake.

Earthquake?

Yes.

( phone ringing )

you going to get that?

Yes.

Hello.

Hi, mom.

You did catch me in the middle of something.

0 no, mom, it's not a girl, no.

Well, it's just some official apartment business stuff.

Look, mom... Mom, I really have to get back

to this apartment business.

Okay?

What?

Wait, no, no, no, wait, mom, I...

Hi, dad.

Yeah, oh, the job, it's just going great, yeah.

What's that?

No, I'm... I'm fine, dad.

You just hold on to it, okay?

Save it for, um...

For an emergency.

Well...

Say good-bye to mom.

Don't throw any of this stuff away.

You're kidding me, right?

This is junk.

When is junk not junk, detective duarte?

When it's evidence, detective culver.

Of course, you could come down to the station house

with us right now, clear this up tonight.

Yeah, get it off your chest.

Get what off my chest?

I wasn't even in the same state when this guy drowned.

We want to believe you, we really do.

That's why we check all this stuff out.

We'll be in touch, mr. Warden.

Catch you later.

I can't help but wonder

at what point exactly did I lose control of my life?

How did stan warden, original nice guy

become a murder suspect?

Is my subconscious out to get me?

Or is it this place?

What are you looking at?

That's attractive.

Woman: Psst!

Psst!

( whispering ): Mr. Manager.

Miss apartment four, how can I help you?

Um...

( whispering ): Is there any update about, you know...

( whispering ): Oh, oh, that?

No, no.

I guess they'll let us know if they find anything out.

Right.

You want a beer?

Beer?

Oh...

Sure.

Okay.

Well, don't just stand there, come on in.

So, um, where's your, um, your boyfriend?

Morgan?

He's out.

Oh.

He won't be back until after the bars close.

Great.

Thanks.

They have any suspects?

You know, it... It may just still be an accident.

Uh-huh.

Um, how are you doing?

Are you... Are you doing okay?

I mean, something like this can be very... Very upsetting.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing okay.

I guess... I mean

don't you think?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, did you know him?

No.

I don't think anybody did.

He was, like, the fifth manager we've had in two years.

The owner really knows how to pick a loser.

( chuckling )

you seem okay, though.

Thanks.

Um, by the way, I should probably thank you

for sticking up for me with the cops.

Yeah, well, you don't seem like the killer type.

Then again, who knows?

I'm a bad judge of people, particularly men.

Well, you know, I bet if you trust your instincts

you know a lot more about men than you think you do.

Men are very easy.

It's women...

Women are... Women are way more complicated.

All I know is nothing ever turns out

the way I thought it was going to.

Tell me about it.

So...

What about you?

What's your story?

What do you want to know?

Oh, I don't know...

The usual.

Got a girlfriend?

Me?

Oh, um...

No... No, not really.

I find that really hard to believe.

You do?

Yeah.

It's morgan.

You've got to hide.

Baby!

Baby, what got your motor running?

Part of me must have known

you were coming home early.

Which part?

( chuckling )

oh!

Let me get you a beer.

Who's the other beer for?

Me.

I had one and then I finished it

so I got another one.

That's funny, this one's still full.

( toilet flushes )

ah.

Yeah, that ought to about do it.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm just fixing your toilet.

Yeah, it overflowed so I called the manager.

Really?

What's wrong with it?

I'm... I don't know.

You're going to have to ask her.

I flushed a tampon...

( yelling )

I don't want to hear anymore!

You, get out of here!

Please, spare me the details.

You know how I get about feminine hygiene.

( door opens and closes )

( exhales forcefully )

( playing slow, sweet blues )

"behavioral paradigms in mice and men...

Of mice and men."

"behavioral paradigms, of mice and..."

( sighing )

"penis envy and the rodent war."

no...

( sighs heavily )

feel free to jump in any time, sig.

"multiple personality disorders of rodents."

no...

All right...

( phone ringing )

hello?

Oh... Hello, miss apartment four.

Are you... Are you all right?

Don't worry about me.

He ate and passed out.

I won't hear from him

until tomorrow afternoon.

Well, that's... That's nice.

Listen, I didn't want to bother you, but...

The reason I'm calling is because...

Well, I wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened.

I shouldn't have made you hide, you know?

I don't know what got into me.

Well, I-I-I don't know what got into me, either, I...

It's... You know, it's not like we were doing something...

Wrong.

No, no.

I mean, we don't want to give morgan...

The wrong idea, you know

about you and me.

Oh, no, no.

Actually, I don't want to give morgan any ideas, no.

Hmm. You're funny.

So we'll have that beer another time?

Yeah, sure.

Okay...

Good night, mr. Manager.

Good night, miss apartment four.

( loud gurgle )

( gurgling )

( toilet squeaks and flushes )

hey!

Hey!

Hey!

I did not authorize this unnecessary expense!

I ought to make you pay for it

out of your own pocket!

Unnecessary expense?

Well, I would think that you would be happy

that I took it upon myself

to steam clean the bottom of your pool.

You had a dead guy in here for two weeks.

That's why the pool's chlorinated.

Dr. Calgari, we're talking about a human being

who died in here.

Yeah, and do me a favor

when your time comes, please, die on somebody else's property.

Oh...

Okay, you know what?

I came out here to go to school,

to... To maybe learn how to help people.

I did not come out here

to aid and abet a slumlord.

Well, then why don't you just quit?

Maybe I should.

You can't quit.

What's stopping me?

I talked to a couple of fellows

named duarte and culver this morning.

Seems they got their eye on you.

You quit now, it's going to look mighty suspicious.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

( calgari laughing )

poe: Much as in the human world

rats respond to high-population densities

by exploding in attacks of mass hysteria.

The group suddenly acting irrationally with a single mind.

They may single out an individual...

Stan ( thinking ): Okay, personal inventory time.

The more I think about my life

the more I begin to envy the humble lab rat--

no responsibilities, no work, no degree required

just the naked pursuit of food and sex.

( squeaking )

go... Go...

Go, go.

Go!

Chett: Look out! Look out! Look out!

What?!

Come here.

What?!

Come here.

Chett, what?

I need to tell you something.

I need to warn you.

Chett, listen to me.

I do not have time for this now, okay?

You're going to be glad I told you.

Okay... Okay, chett, okay, what is it?

Watch your step, there's a snake in the grass.

A snake?

Like, what do you mean?

Someone is, what, out to hurt you?

No, not someone, something-- a snake.

Okay, chett, did... Did...

The little voice inside of your implants tell you that?

No, I saw him!

Okay, and...

Why are you telling me this?

Well, you're the manager.

I thought you'd want to know.

Okay, chett...

Chett, listen to me.

( clears throat )

( sighs )

chett, sometimes when people

are under a lot of stress

they... They imagine things.

Yeah. Okay?

I mean, even me.

You know, sometimes I could swear

this little bust of freud that I have speaks to me.

Really?

Maybe you ought to talk to a psychiatrist.

No, no, I'm okay.

You see, I know that it doesn't really speak to me.

Yeah, yeah.

My point is

that maybe, um... Living on the street

is starting to get to be

a little too much for you.

Snakes are a very common delusion

that might indicate an underlying mental illness.

Now, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

With modern psychotropic drugs and therapy

they can make the snake go away.

I don't know.

It's an awful big snake.

You know, you're going to need a net and some dogs.

Okay, chett.

Listen, I have to go now, all right?

But if you change your mind

you just come and find me

and we'll get you some help.

Okay, I think that some rest

and a little treatment

is going to go a long way to...

To getting you off the street.

What, and get a job?

Sure, why not?

Heck, I'm quitting.

You could have my job.

Aah... I had your job.

It's not for me.

You were a manager here?

Yeah... Long time ago.

Aah, too many hassles.

Hey, but I like the area and I liked the people

so I decided to stick around, freelance.

Hey, did you say you

were quitting?

Yes.

Well, sorry to hear that.

Listen, if you need some place to stay, let me know.

Us management types, we got to stick together.

Okay.

I got to get going, chett.

Yeah... Hey! Hey!

Hey, watch your step!

Hey.

( yells )

hello, stanley. Sorry.

Didn't mean to scare you.

I'll get over it.

What are you doing here?

I'm here in a professional capacity.

Excuse me?

As a police psychic--

which I don't need to be to read your mind.

I thought I'd see if I could find...

Any vibrations from the victim.

The closer I am to his things

the stronger the images I receive.

I would have asked, but you weren't here...

And the door was open.

Is that the bedroom?

I-I-I haven't finished cleaning in there.

Don't worry, stanley.

Was this his bed?

You picking anything up?

Oh... Water?

Oh, oh, of course, he did drown

didn't he?

No. Water for me.

When death is so near, it saps me.

I feel faint.

Oh, okay.

One second.

Oh...

Oh...

( moaning )

whoa!

Whoa, you're... You're, um...

You're naked.

You noticed.

My water.

Oh, right.

Um...

Sorry.

My body... Is like an antenna.

Sometimes I have to liberate my instrument

in order to pick up the vibrations left on an object

like this bed, for instance.

You can learn a lot from somebody's bed.

Maybe I should just wait outside.

Wait, wait, wait.

Um, I feel it... Coursing through me.

What, like... Like electricity?

Oh, no, oh!

Oh! Oh!

Like an orgasm.

Oh, here...

Lie down next to me.

Oh!

Feel for yourself.

Whoa.

( moaning )

no, miss... No.

No.

Okay.

I'm sorry, does this make you feel uncomfortable?

No, it's just, I thought...

I thought that you were coming here in a professional...

Professional capacity.

( giggles )

I am.

But nobody will know

if we mix business with pleasure.

No, I...

I don't know.

( loud banging )

no.

( straining )

excuse me.

( banging continues )

oh, detectives.

Stan: What a surprise.

I hope we've come at a bad time.

Well, actually... Come right in.

Hello, detectives.

Ma'am.

For the record, I am here on official police business.

That's funny, so are we.

Except I'm leaving my clothes on.

Getting any... Vibrations?

( snickers )

chenille: If I do

you'll be the last to know.

Will you excuse me?

Don't worry.

All will be revealed.

Good evening, miss chenille.

Hey, listen-- I talked to my girlfriend like you said

and you were absolutely right.

How do you do that?

Well, someday when you have a little time

you just drop by and I'll show you.

( culver clearing throat )

who is this?

Forensics, here's the warrant.

Better read it, make sure it's all correct.

All right.

Kill those lights.

Whoa, wait, what is he doing?

Looking for stains.

Watch your eyes there.

I almost blinded a guy one time.

Duarte: Any reason we might find your blood

in here anywhere?

No.

Semen?

Semen? N

I got it.

Culver: Why don't we just step outside

let these boys do their jobs, shall we?

Checkin' the sheets.

Is there some particular reason we're down here?

You ever kill anybody before?

Duarte: Don't answer that.

It's a trick question.

You know, you had me really worried.

I mean, for a minute, I really thought that I was a suspect.

You are.

See, we have this little problem

we thought you might be able to help us with.

The victim drowned in a chlorinated pool

but he had tap water in his lungs.

What do you say, columbo?

You got any theories on how that could happen?

I don't have the slightest idea.

Have you... Have you looked

into the dead guy's life?

If his apartment is any indication

he was a very sick and twisted individual.

( tsking )

blaming the victim.

We take points off for that.

Come on, guys, I didn't kill anybody.

I mean, this is absurd.

What about the guy in apartment nine?

Glumley was obsessed with him.

He thought he was trying to hurt him.

Okay, now, what if he wasn't paranoid?

What if the journal was right?

What if the guy in apartment nine killed him?

Unfortunately

you're the only one who's seen this journal.

Well, it's there, I swear.

Your... Your forensic team will find it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and meanwhile, why don't you go

and check out the guy in apartment nine?

Okay, don't take my word for it.

Why don't you just check it out?

Coming, dick tracy?

It's right here.

Watch your ears.

Man: Just a minute.

Who is it?

L.A.P.D. Homicide detectives.

We need to speak with you.

Is there some sort of problem, officers?

Sir, as you probably heard

the previous manager was found dead in the pool.

As part of our routine investigation

we're speaking with all the tenants

to see if they might have noticed anything.

Goodness, no, I haven't noticed anything untoward.

But then, I don't get out much.

Did you know the deceased, sir?

Barely.

I've lived here 18 years.

We've had so many managers come and go.

Of course, well, sir...

Wait, wait, okay, did he ever say anything to you

that might indicate he thought

you were trying to harm him?

Did he ever accuse you

of trying to control his thoughts?

We'll ask the questions.

It's all right, officer.

I had no idea the man thought one way or the other about me.

We never even spoke.

I see.

Wait-- you don't know anything

about the journal he kept?

Culver: All right, mr. Warden.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

We'll just let you get back

to your program. Thank you.

Right, thanks. Good night, officers.

Good night, sir.

Well, that's that.

Chip-chip-chippin' away.

That's my stuff.

No, that's evidence now.

You just took all of my stuff

but you didn't touch anything of glumley's.

Bones: The deceased?

What for?

I mean, he's... He's not a suspect.

Okay, now, that's my toothbrush.

No, that's a great source of dna.

Standard procedure.

Dna?

Ow!

Don't sweat it.

It's just a hair sample to help rule you out.

You'd better get his prints, too.

No need, got a full set off the gun.

Your receipt.

Don't make any long-term plans.

Hey, now you can get rid of all this junk.

( laughing )

( whimpers )

( toilet gurgles )

( frantic knocking at door )

let me in.

Please, let me in.

It's me, it's apartment four.

Come on, mr. Manager, let me in.

He's going to kill me.

( knocking continues )

it's me, it's apartment four.

He's going to kill me.

What? Who?

Who?

Who's going to kill you?

It's morgan. He's gone crazy.

Crazy how?

Did he threaten you?

He got so mad about something on tv

that he stabbed himself in the leg with a fork.

A fork?

Yeah, he was eating a tv dinner

and something on jerry springer just set him off.

Well, what-what made him so mad?

Well, um, the show was about women that cheat on their men.

Oh.

Are-are you okay?

Huh?

Did he hit you?

Oh... It was an accident.

He-he's not like that.

He's really a sweet person.

It's just the drugs.

No one should ever hit you.

( tapping on door )

( gasps )

( hi-pitched voice ): Lucy!

You got some 'splaining to do.

Whatever you do, don't open that door, okay?

He'll kill you.

Open the fucking door!

Why are you doing this?

Open the door!

Open the door!

This is how much I love you.

What? What?

This is how much

I love you!

Hey!

Knock that crap off

or I'll call the police.

Look, I'm sorry.

It's just a little domestic squabble.

There's no need to alert the authorities.

Sorry about the noise.

It won't happen again.

Back to bed, sweet dreams.

Hey, peaches, I know you can hear me.

Morgan: Look, baby, I'm sorry.

I get so crazy because I love you so much.

We can still talk this out.

( whispering ): Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't.

You say something to him, huh?

Me?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I mean, he's really pissed off.

I might just make him madder.

You tell him that I'm not here.

No, he's not going to believe that.

Yeah, he'll believe you. He likes you.

He likes me?

He just ripped my screen door off.

Well, he has a hard time showing affection.

Please, come on.

Will you just try, please?

Morgan?

Hi, it's me, stan, the manager, remember?

How's it going?

Not so good.

I'm sorry to disappoint you

but, um, she's not here.

If I see her, though

I will tell her that you're looking for her.

Really?

Okay.

( whispering ): What?

What's happening?

What's he doing?

I think he believed me.

He's walking away.

He's leaving.

You're kidding.

What?

Why are you treating me like this?

This time you've gone too far!

You love it when I go too far.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Just stay away from me.

What?

Stan: Come on, man, you heard her.

You...

Just leave her alone.

Morgan: Excuse me.

Didn't we have an agreement--

an understanding between honorable men--

that you were going to look out for my interests?

Instead, you lied.

Now, why would you do something like that?

Unless, of course, you're fucking my woman!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you've got it all wrong.

Okay?

She just came over here

because she was...

She was scared, all right?

Nothing

is going on between us.

Nothing.

Okay?

Look, I just want... I want you to think

about what you're doing, okay?

Nobody has to get hurt.

You sound just like my mother.

And was your mom right?

I always hated my mother.

Alice: Leave him alone, you mean son of a bitch!

I'll deal with you in a second.

This is just starting

to get fun.

Alice: Don't!

Hey, don't you worry.

You're not going to feel a thing.

This hurts.

This, you're not going to feel.

What would freud say?

Come on.

We better get out of here

before he wakes up, okay?

Here we go.

Are you okay? You're okay?

I can't believe that.

You were incredible.

Oh, man.

That's good, that's fine.

( applause )

all right! Good job.

What the fuck?!

( straining and gasping )

I thought for sure he was going to kill me.

Kiki: Well, so did we.

How did you do it?

Well...

I used a little psychology on him.

Somebody here call 9-1-1?

Stan: It's all right, officers.

Everything's under control.

I think you'll find what you're looking for

in apartment one.

It's right through there.

Duarte: There he is.

What's going on here?

Just the men I want to see.

Detectives, I think we may have your killer.

Gee, thanks.

But we already have a suspect.

Would you mind turning around?

Wh... What?

What are you doing?

Stand back, ma'am.

You folks need to disperse.

Can't you see you've got the wrong man?!

Not this time, moonbeam.

I don't believe this.

Believe it, mr. Warden.

We found your blood

under the victim's fingernails.

Oh, that's a nasty scratch

you got there, mr. Warden.

I got this when I was pulling the body out of the pool.

Oh!

Then you have nothing to worry about.

Ow!

Stanley warden, you're under arrest

for the murder of gary w. Glumley.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you speak, anything you say

can be held against you in a court of law.

Don't say a word, kid.

Culver: Blah, blah, blah, et cetera.

You understand? Good.

Detectives, you guys need

to come take a look at this.

Let's go.

L.A.P.D. Strikes again.

Not a word.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Female officer: We have another victim.

He's still alive.

Someone's crushed every bone in his body.

Well, well, well.

Looks like we'll be adding

a bonus count of attempted murder.

Wait...

Wait a minute.

I hit him one time.

One time.

There must be a dozen witnesses.

We have information that you quit your job

and might try to flee.

( sighs )

I wasn't f-fleeing.

I go to college.

I have never fled.

Stan: What about that guy morgan?

The guy you found in my apartment?

He tried to kill me, he probably killed glumley.

Did you check him out?

Sure.

But unlike you, he had a rock-solid alibi.

He was in county jail on assault charges.

Listen.

Detectives, I am so tired right now

I would confess

to being the second gunman on the grassy knoll

if I thought it was going to buy me some sleep.

Were you?

No.

One of you said that I could call my parents

when we got to the station.

Guys, that was over five hours ago.

Sure, go ahead, call your parents.

But if I was you, I'd use that dime to call a lawyer.

Yeah, what am I going to say?

"hi, ma?

"remember that dream you had for me--

"the one you and dad worked so hard for?

"the one where I graduate

"from college, get a job, get married

"and have grandkids for you to play with?

"well, there's been a little mistake

"and I may have to postpone it for, say...

20 years to life!"

we see your point.

What's all this, then?

We want to talk

to two of your detectives-- azusa and norwalk.

You mean culver and duarte?

Just tell them

that miss chenille is here

with something they'll want to see.

Well, why didn't you say so

in the first place?

A suicide note?

Frank: We found it

in the manager's apartment.

Miss chenille led us to it.

You searched without a warrant?

Chenille: I'm a psychic.

I don't need a warrant...

Just a feeling.

"hate my job, hate my life, hate the world.

"hope I don't hate being dead.

"good-bye, stupid little world.

"signed gary w. Glumley.

"p.S. By the time you find this

I will have drowned myself in the pool."

frank: He always did hate

that pool.

Can't you see he's innocent?

What about the tap water in the victim's lungs?

Well, maybe he tried to drowned his sorrows

in the bathtub first.

Did you ever think of that?

We still got warden on the attempted.

Alice: I just came from the hospital

and morgan regained consciousness

and he wants to drop the charges.

He is innocent!

I promise you.

What are you doing here?

You're free to go.

I am? Really?

Miles: Really.

You know, in some cultures

if you save somebody's life

that life belongs to you.

I guess we're just going to have to settle

for me owing you one.

I hate when this happens.

I never thought I'd be glad to see this mess again.

( groans )

wow.

Some day, huh, sigmund?

Some day.

There it is.

You know, I've been looking all over for that.

You know, this is my private property.

In fact, all of this is mine.

No, this journal belonged to glumley.

Wait a minute.

Who are you?

Me?

I'm your worst fucking nightmare.

( humming )

the perfect crime.

Nobody could identify the killer

because he was the victim.

What fools they are!

You know, if they had

even a single shred of respect for authority

they would have recognized me.

But I knew I could count on the fact

that I was nothing to them--

just an anonymous nobody

so inconsequential

they don't even remember my face.

But you will...

Because it's the last thing you're ever going to see.

( muffled yelling )

now, now, 15, 20 minutes, it'll all be over.

Well, that ought to about do you.

Don't want to get carried away and go pop

then I'd have to shoot you

and what fun is that?

( gasping, gurgling )

( pounding at door )

miss chenille's got another one of her feelings.

The kid's in trouble.

Kiki: Shana, come on, hurry up.

Alice: Is he okay? Stan?

Miles: Knock the door down.

Alice: Mr. Manager?

Frank: We're coming in!

Hey, kid, are you in here?!

Mr. Manager?!

Stan?

Uh, he just stepped out, but he said he'd be back later.

Excuse me.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

Stan, can you answer me?

If you can't speak, try knocking!

He's got to be here somewhere.

You're wasting your time.

We'll make

that decision.

I was right, wasn't I?

Well, miss chenille.

Come on in here

and give us a little bit of whatever it is you've got.

Let's see what I can do.

He's not here.

Oh, yes, he is.

I can feel him.

Ow! Easy, easy.

He's very close.

How close?

He's so close.

Oh, it's like he's touching me!

Oh!

What the...?!

How the hell did he get in there?

We need a knife.

No problem.

Cool.

No, don't!

( gasping, coughing )

okay, he's alive.

( stan coughing )

get him, kiki, get him, get him!

Get him, get him, get him!

( grunting )

nice move, ladies.

You are under citizen's arrest, bozo

whoever you are.

I'm glumley!

I'm gary w. Glumley!

Who?

Glumley!

Shut up before I hurt you.

What happened?

You're okay, you're okay, honey.

Oh, what happened?

You're okay, you're alive.

I'm here, I'm here.

Nothing's going to hurt you, okay?

I'm right here, I'm right here.

You're here, you're here, you're here.

I'm okay, you're here, you're here, I'm okay.

Culver: Who is he?

Stan: Gentlemen

meet the ex-manager of the wonder view apartments

the real gary w. Glumley.

He also happens to be the real murderer.

Is that so?

Yes.

Apparently, while managing the building

mr. Glumley here became obsessed

with the tenant in apartment nine

so obsessed he began suffering

from paranoid delusions

finally killing him

and assuming his identity.

It's all right here

in his journal.

That's a lie!

It's all lies!

They're in this this together!

The whole thing's a put-up job.

Chenille: He confessed to everything.

We all heard him.

You and your theories.

At least I had a theory.

Gary w. Glumley

you're under arrest

for the murder of, uh...

Of...

What's the vic's name?

Um, it's the guy in apartment nine.

For the murder of, uh...

Player to be named.

You have the right to remain silent.

Sorry about the mistake, kid.

Catch you next time.

You have the right to an attorney.

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law.

We got him!

We're all through here, bones.

You don't want any more samples, do you?

Oh, no, no, actually, I'm here as a private citizen.

I heard you might have a vacancy.

I love this place.

Miss chenille.

Stan: I want to thank you all for coming.

Looks like we've got quite a nice turnout here.

There's plenty of food and beverages for later

but first I must tell you

that our pool has been approved for use

by the health department.

( applause )

it's been acid-washed

and I steam-cleaned it, and that's obviously

fresh water that's in there

but that's not what's important.

What is important is that we accept what happened

and we move on.

So in that spirit

I have asked miss chenille to say a few words.

I normally don't do this kind of thing

but since you asked.

Well...

I thought I might add a few ingredients

to remind us that water, in almost all cultures

is a symbol of life

and renewal.

So to this water

I add a little mint

a lemon rind

to banish any bad feelings that might be left behind.

What's she making, iced tea?

Shut up.

And a little salt

to remind all of us that mortality is a part of life.

Great.

Good job.

That was really nice.

Okay, everybody, this pool is now officially opened.

So come on, everybody, somebody has to be first.

What about you?

Me?

Uh...

I... I would, but I've had enough water for one day.

And besides, this pool belongs to you

and I think one of you should be the first one in

don't you?

Uh-uh.

We think that you need to get in there first.

Okay.

I'm not afraid of it or anything.

It's just h2o, right?

By the way, again, I just want to thank all of you

who worked so hard to find the evidence

that finally set me free.

Don't mention it, kid.

It's not hard to find evidence that you make up yourself.

You mean, you guys wrote the suicide note?

( giggling )

we got the killer, right?

And you're walking around as a free man, aren't you?

And you owe it all to us.

Here's to us.

( all laughing )

stan: So I took the plunge.

Am I in over my head?

Absolutely.

I did, however, solve one problem today.

I know what I'm writing about for my thesis.

It's a real-world case study about a common human habitat

and its effect on group psychology.

I'm calling this unpredictable phenomenon

of human behavior-- "the apartment complex."

snake!

( all screaming )

alice: Out, out, out! Get out, get out!

Get out!

Get out, get out!

Frank: Don't panic. Don't panic.

It's only a garden snake.

Are you okay?

Oh, god!

Get out of my way!

( tenants still screaming )

nobody listens to me.

Get a bazooka.

( woman screaming )

oh, my god.

Is it dead? Did somebody kill it?

I knew we shouldn't have moved here.

That bastard better not raise my rent!

Look, there's no reason to spoil a good barbecue.

Plenty of beer left.

I'm the manager. It's okay. It's okay.

I've got this under control. I've got this under control.

I got this under control. I got this under control.

Everything's under control. Everything's under control.

It's okay. Everything's under control...

[captioning sponsored by viacom productions

captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]