Original subtitles

Oh! You're leaving again, Larry?

Doris, I'm a traveling sex salesman.

It's right there in the name.

Now, stop voicing your opinion. It's the fifties.

We should be hating Elvis on a bulbous TV.

You're right, dear. I'm sorry.

How's your Salisbury steak?

Chewy, like all dowdy

housewife meals at this time.

But something's different.

Maybe that's... the poison.

Where are my cigarettes?

They'll fix this!

Of course they will.

They fix everything!

Which is why I threw them away!

So I could watch you die!

I cook your food, I clean your house,

I lay there completely still while you have sex with me.

And all I ask is that you acknowledge what I do for you.

Damn Elvis' pelvis! Aah!

Hope you had a nice trip!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Great 48 states! I poisoned the wine, too!

Uhh.

Huh!

My ice cream was too frozen, so, I

tried using the microwave to heat up

a metal spoon to cut through it.

Don't worry. I can fix it.

Do you have a screwdriver I can heat up?

Ugh, I should have married my stalker.

Uhh!

Ugh. God, having you live here is such a nightmare.

You think I like living in your basement for free?

I hardly get any Wi-Fi down there.

It crapped out halfway through Naomi Campbell's

Masterclass on Modeling Fundamentals.

Well, you could move out.

But that won't happen because you are not,

and never will be, an adult.

I can leave? Great.

I was only here to help you with Stain.

Wait. Is that his name? Is Stain even a name?

I guess anything can be a name these days.

God, I'm glad I'm not a parent.

Dad, can you pass out on my arm

while telling me about a gruesome murder?

Sorry. I can't. Your mom thinks I'm not an adult,

so, I gotta move out to make her eat farts.

You're the man of the house now.

Uh, are you sure that's a good idea?

I'm still only allowed to bathe in 4 inches of water.

You'll be fine. It all comes down to one rule:

never admit you made a mistake.

Good-bye, Stain.

Aah!

I only got half the class!

Way to go, Stan of the house!

Ooh, it seems you've messed your pants.

Let me draw you a shallow bath.

Summers! Where's your partner?

It's already 9:30 and he

hasn't insulted me yet. I'm insulted.

Can you keep it down?

I'm not done with my dream journal.

"Attacked by a pasta goblin."

What do you think that means?

Are you living under your desk?

No, I am crashing under my desk.

Harmony kicked me out for, get this, not being an adult.

Pay up, Martinez.

I told you he'd be homeless before the year was out.

Wait. You bet on my personal life?

Oh, yeah. Your divorce paid for my parka.

I parlayed it with your mental breakdown.

I expected more of you, Martinez.

In lieu of an apology, I will let you

let me stay at your place.

I got 5 kids. Don't need a sixth.

Or the fourth one, really.

Hey, Wynona, you're young, so I assume you live

in a loft with 5 never-at- their-job roommates

of various ethnicities and comedic archetypes.

What's one more? I can be the cute one and the slutty one.

Sorry, but they're already mad at me

for using the living room as a mini-morgue.

I'm the weird one.

What about you, Summers, old pal?

Best partner a guy could ask for,

and next person in my field of vision.

My prayers have been answered.

Thank you, Cyborg Jesus!

You want the top bunk or the bottom?

Hard thick pass. What about you, Kang?

I'm a grown ass immortal.

I stopped having roommates in my 200s.

Maybe you should, too.

Fine. I'll find my own place

and prove I'm a better adult than any of you.

See? Perfectly dry.

Hmm. You're really taking this

man of the house thing seriously.

I don't understand bills.

Do you know how to write a check?

Sorry. I only know how to forge 'em.

Hey, young fella, is the man of the house around,

or are you home alone?

I'm the man of the house.

Oh, that's good. That's very good.

See you around.

What a nice, unshaven man.

That guy was clearly casing the joint.

Oh. Maybe I should tell Mom.

No! You're the man of the house now.

Men only confide in bartenders and barbers

who later blab it to other customers.

Admittedly, it's a broken system,

but this we can handle.

Pentos, I need your help.

Oh! A bomb scare at City Hall?

A mysterious bag of hitchhikers' thumbs?

A terrorist texting taunting tidings

and now it's a race against the clock?

Harm threw me out. Can I stay with you?

It's never the thumbs. Well, as much as I'd love

to be the Bertram to your Ernie, the school won't allow it.

But lucky for you, I recently procured my real estate license

to supplement my poultry income.

And that was not my accent playing tricks on you.

They pay teachers in chickens now.

Oh, this is your last option.

800 Bless Street.

Good neighborhood. Mid-century modern,

just like my miniatures.

Plus the name and number

together spell "Boobless."

This place is a dream. So, what's the catch?

All it says is the original owners

died of laughter.

And, uh, the last tenant

claimed the house was haunted of laughter.

I mean, if laughter is a crime,

then no wonder Matt Rife is a free man.

Now, let's go sign the paperwork.

Ugh. How do you get hot sauce out of a shirt?

Is it more hot sauce?

I'm useless. Maybe I'm not an adult.

Uhh!

Chloe Grace Moretz! This house is haunted!

Ugh! Who's there?

I'm Doris. And like the stain on your shirt,

I can no longer be seen.

So, you're a friendly ghost like Casper

and not a scary ghost like Tilda Swinton?

Say, why aren't you hightailing it out of here

like everyone else who moves in?

Because I got nowhere to go.

And you'll be the one running once you see

how useless I am around the house.

But you're a man.

Why would you need to do anything?

A man respected for

doing nothing in his own home?

What were those Mad Men so mad about?

Are you hungry? A Waldorf salad might be grand.

Hmm. I never want to leave.

And you never will.

Your laugh is equal parts creepy and sweet.

Just like this salad is equal parts mayonnaise and grapes.

Waldorf must have been real backed up.

The creepy guy is back. I can't even pay a bill.

How am I supposed to handle this?

You ever seen "Home Alone"?

Well, yeah, but would that work in real life?

Sure. If that tiny kid

could be the man of the house and save the day

by getting emancipated from his parents

while allegedly dealing with a crippling drug addiction

that blew through most of his millions, then so can you.

Are you saying I have to do drugs?

Well, nobody has to.

Now, let's go find some rope and paint cans and uppers.

Ha ha ha!

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Believe me, I love you so ♪

♪ You're the most beautiful girl in the world ♪

♪ Love you more than you'll ever know ♪

Oh, Marvin, thank you so much for trimming my bush.

It hadn't been that full since the seventies.

I plucked out all the stray gray flowers as well.

Hey, what's behind here?

It's my lady cave.

I can't find the opening. Can you guide me in?

Just go slowly, Marvin, would you?

Why, nobody's been in here for years.

Bigger than I thought it would be.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not a

perky 25-year-old house.

Ahem. Now, why don't you lay down

in my silky folds?

I would, but I'm not dressed for bed.

And awaaay we go! Fifties reference.

Oh, Flutie-patootie,

you made this old house feel like a woman again.

Now that I've been in here, maybe we can

try your basement next.

Oh, no.

I couldn't live with myself

if the women in my crossed-ankle sitting club

found out about that.

What if I just poked my head in?

No! It gets a bit stinky.

Thank goodness there's a little vent. Ha!

Anyway, I haven't even met your friends yet.

Maybe you'd want to invite them to dinner.

That's great! It's the perfect way to show them

how self-sufficient I am.

You're quite a man.

Which makes me think

maybe you're ready to go again.

Ha ha ha! No.

Look, I hate the idea of you on the streets.

You should move in with me.

We don't have to share bunk beds

or braid your hair.

I can just brush it.

Aaagh! Kang: I rarely use this word,

but... dayum.

That's right. I am now a practicing adult.

No "erer" this time.

And I'd like to invite you all to my adult party.

I've never been to a real dinner party before,

but I've seen plenty through my ex-boyfriend's window.

Something's fishy here.

Maybe it's the Lobster Newburg

I'm making for tonight.

See you then.

There's no way he's gonna

pull this party off, right?

You wanna bet?

OK. I got 50 bucks

that Flute has someone secretly helping him,

20 on one damn hand towel in the bathroom,

and give me the under on oversharing

the size of his morning dooty.

My life savings on the trifecta

of his party playlist being

Pearl Jam, on Pandora, with ads.

That is your life savings?

I put all my money in Dogecoin because

someone I never met on Reddit told me to.

I was a billionaire for 3 hours.

Now I eat mustard sandwiches.

How can you do this?

Shouldn't we be wishing our friend the best?

Which in this case would be moving in with me?

He's never moving in with you.

You wanna bet?

That's what we're doing.

Oh, right. Then I'll wager

my salary plus the Cuddle Crew.

You're serious?

More serious

than Mr. Serious.

I'll bet my Miranda rights

he's using paper towels for toilet paper.

You sure about this?

When that door opens, it'll set off

a hilarious chain of events, culminating in

you learning the true meaning of family.

Or some stupid crap.

- Oh, my God! - This is not as

PG as I remembered.

We gotta call the cops! Or your mom.

No. We can't. It's like Dad said.

The man of the house never admits he made a mistake.

But we just Artie Lange's nosed

this man's entire face!

You get his feet, I'll grab his mushy skull.

Marvin, my number one and only client!

I hope you don't mind. I put a sign in your yard.

Oh, cute place. I see your carpet

isn't a cartoon map of a little city you can drive toy cars on.

I guess if that's how you want to live.

Clean floors, matching furniture.

There's definitely a woman behind this.

Are you wearing a princess outfit?

They don't make sexy cocktail dresses

in a kids 7, nor should they.

1950s music?! Great. I lost my bet.

I woulda blown it on crypto anyways.

Better luck next time, losers.

Daddy's getting a new pair of sensible shoes.

You bet against me? Never bet against the house.

And by the house I mean me because I did all this...

and not the house.

I've been here before.

Your friends seem so nice.

When are you going to introduce me?

That's a sad group out there.

We shouldn't rub our relationship in their faces.

Let's take it slow and just rub in

how well I'm doing on my own first.

Especially to Harmony.

Your ex-wife is coming?

Of course. The whole point of divorce

is to spend the rest of your life trying to hurt

the person you once publicly

declared your love for.

That must be her.

Thanks for dressing up for dinner.

Dinner? I rented a U-Haul.

I thought the invite was for me

to help you move back in.

Wow, this place is magazine nice.

- Where's your kid? - I left him home alone.

He's fine. He's the man of the house now.

Stan Marino, I'm starting to think

this might qualify as a mistake.

Never! We dump him in the lake.

Avoid being seen. Forget it happened.

OK, now we need to call somebody.

Man! Of! The! House!

Tonight, I'm gonna take the deepest bath.

Maybe we were wrong about Flute.

He really is doing great on his own.

I knew I jinxed it when I installed those

his and his toilets.

May I have your attention by doing something

people only do in movies?

Thank you. I thought now

might be a good time for you all

to apologize for betting against me.

I can admit when I'm wrong.

I checked every bathroom and couldn't find

a single lady hair.

Just a disturbing amount of Flubes.

Flute's pubes. I say it enough

that it warrants the portmanteau.

Thank you. Harm, you've been quiet.

Anything you'd like to admit you were an idiot for thinking?

Yeah. There's plenty of idiotic things I could admit to.

Subscribing to Quibi, using scented tampons,

buying not one but two Ninja CREAMis.

Now I guess I can add "Thinking you couldn't

survive without me" to that list.

Thank y... Tell them about me.

Well, this was fun. Drive home safe.

Aha! I knew there was a woman here. Pay up, Kang!

You're no better than my Larry!

Larry?

Aah!

Now I remember. I was on

a suicide case here years ago,

and her husband Larry went missing.

That's right! And there are about to be

several more missing people!

Aah!

Ow!

This may be an awkward moment to ask,

but do you have my commission check?

I've tried everything.

It's a 1950s nuclear war bunker. We're trapped.

Looks like her husband never found a way out, either.

And our phones don't work.

Now I'll never get to yell at

my beautiful, stupid kids again.

And I'll never get to be roommates with Flute.

Except in here.

Which means I won! Pay up, Kang.

Sorry, Summers, but all bets are off.

Unless you want to wager on who I'll eat first,

since I'm the only one that can't die in here.

If you can't die, then why eat us?

Eh, gotta do something to fill the time.

Oh, great. Now the walls are bleeding.

Well, at least I know I didn't get her pregnant.

This is all Orange Frankenstein's fault

for renting Flute this house.

Just for that, you're not getting

a computer signed Christmas card.

And any blame should fall squarely on blondie

for kicking him out in the first place.

It is my fault that I booted a man

so vile he can even disappoint dead women?

Maybe if Kang hadn't turned this into

a money-making scheme, we could have been more helpful.

Can't wait to eat your nose.

Look at yourselves. You're all fighting

instead of trying to get out of here.

Sure, I may not be an adult,

but guess what? Neither are any of you.

Wynona's only friends are corpses.

Summers is afraid to live alone.

Martinez only talks about her children

because she has nothing else of interest,

and Kang can't die, which is all

any real adult thinks about.

Sorry to vent, but... wait. My crime mind is tingling.

And awaaay we go! Fifties reference.

Mm.

Uh, excuse me. Pardon me. Your ween is out.

Yours, too. And yours. Should mine be out?

I don't wanna get in trouble.

Thank goodness there's a little vent.

Little vent. Little vent. Little vent.

"A little vent." That's it!

Wow, that is one hairy butt.

That's it. There's a tiny vent in here,

and I bet Martinez can fit through it.

Uhh!

Oh, I hope she makes it out

so I can see my sweet baby's

face one more time.

I say this without a hint of comedy.

What's the plan, Stan?

What the crap is it now?

Out of the car.

It's all yours.

Oh. No thanks.

In the car. Now.

Uhh!

No wonder my dad moved out.

Being the man of the house sucks!

Starting to have more compassion for how

Macaulay ended up the way he did.

Aah!

How dare you try and sneak in my back door

while I was bending over backwards cleaning?!

Now I'm going to pinch it shut and none of you will ever leave.

No!

I'm sick of everyone

using and leaving me

like I'm some seedy Airbnb.

You're right. That's not fairbnb.

I was using you to make me seem like an adult, but I'm not.

I don't know how to clean my own clothes.

Whenever I draw a picture with a sun in it,

it's always in the top right corner,

and I still pull my pants all the way down to pee.

But the most not adult thing was that

I didn't appreciate you.

No man ever has.

And now I'm going to be alone again.

I don't want to go back to that.

That bush was so out of control.

Release all my friends and I'll stay in this house

forever with you and never step out that door again.

You would do that for me?

I'm your Flutie-patootie, aren't I?

Thanks, Flute. My bottom bunk

will remain untouched forever.

Unless I want to move down there 'cause I saw

a spider on the ceiling.

I trust you'll have the decency

not to mention this clusterfumble

in my Angie's List review.

This is the most adult thing

I've ever seen you do.

I'm sorry I threw you out and now you have to die

a sex slave for this needy house.

And I'm sorry I didn't flush at least once

while I lived with you.

Well, it's just you and me, Doris.

I'm sorry I ruined dinner.

Can I make you some Jell-O with ham chunks?

No, I'll make dinner.

Thank you, darling. I'm going to go

blast the humidifier in the pink room.

It takes a little longer than it used to.

Marvin, my dear,

do you smell gas?

Aah!

Take that, dead spirit that only wanted

to be loved and to take care of someone!

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm never getting my deposit back.

And finally, in "scare you right before bed" news,

3 wanted fugitives were found

barely alive in a stolen car.

Um, how much money did you make

on the settlement from your accident?

Plenty. Not to mention all the cash

I made from my bet with Kang

now that you're my roomie,

roomie.

I think this might actually

work out really well for me.

For us. We're gonna work together,

live together, eat together, sleep together,

dream together, scream together, master...

Can you just give me a lift to my bunk?

Next stop, top bunk. Hee hee!

- There's a spider up here. - I know.

That's why I picked the bottom bunk.

Ooh, and I should warn you,

I have a bit of a snoring problem.

They programmed me to snore so I'd seem more lifelike,

and it can't be stopped. G'night!

Bento.