Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

- We open on the Mohave Desert.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

It's hot as hell and a little Volkswagen

is puttering down the highway.

The guy driving is this sort of young, Woody Allen type.

And he looks out the window and he sees this beautiful woman

hitchhiking at the side of the road,

you know, with the cutoff jeans

and the white t-shirt and the blond hair.

So he slams on the brakes

and he reaches for the glove-compartment

where he pulls out a stick of new Mang deodorant.

You think maybe he's gonna put some on

before she gets to the car,

but she's already leaning in through the window,

her breasts glistening with perspiration.

She looks at him, he looks at her,

she looks at him and says, "May I hitch a ride?"

And he says, "Sure, but put some of this on first,

"new Mang deodorant from United Standard."

What do you think?

- Weak soup, Tuttle, you've got to tell people,

"new Mang contains the secret ingredient, smell no mo'

"to drive nasty, odor causing perspiration

"back into your glands where it belongs."

(energetic, rock music)

* From 1996, to 1997, 1998 *

* We're all waiting for the year 2000 *

* Just the smell of the summer * can make me fall in love *

- [Announcer] Ultra Marine-Plus

actually puts white where the dirt was.

(energetic, rock music)

* We go to the parties * and listen to the DJ's *

* Dance, dance, dance and go crazy *

* Dance, dance, dance and go crazy *

(energetic, rock music)

* Just the smell of the summer * can make me fall in love-- *

- [Director] People, people, can we please settle down?

We need to be calm, let's get some quiet, please people.

All right, quiet down, let's go.

All right, in five, let's see, settle everyone,

I said settle, quiet on the set.

Okay, settle everyone.

- Darlene, the client wants to know if we can't pump

a little more enthusiasm into our reading?

- Pump what?

- Let's just try and pretend

we don't actually hate the product,

okay sweetheart?

- Did Giver taste this shit?

(people laugh) - Actors always kid like that.

- [Director] Roll sound.

- [Man] She loves the product, she signed the note.

(clapperboard clicks)

- [Director] And action.

- For that big taco taste, it's Taco Joe.

- Girl sure loves her Mexican.

- Mm, it's delicious.

- I don't recall saying, "Cut."

- Listen, I can't work with those baboons leering at me.

Either they go or I'm outta here.

- [Man] Gubbing, get those guys outta here.

- What?

(upbeat, percussion music)

- My name is Ken Tuttle.

Last year, at this time, I was studying American lit.

and wondering what I could do to earn a living.

What was I gonna be, a financial planner?

"Yes, I like the emerging growth funds, Mrs. Rebinowitz,"

but my aunt says, "You're creative,

"why don't you go into advertising?"

So here I am, in New York City, earning 28 grand a year,

and in a way, I'm even writing literature.

Unlike old fashioned antiperspirants,

Mang Spray contains the secret ingredient Smell No Mo',

the amazing new chemical that literally

seals off pours driving nasty odor causing perspiration

back into your glands where it belongs,

because you suck, you suck dickhead, you suck!

Back in college, you thought you'd be the next Ezra--

- Hey. - Now you're

pounding out this deodorant ad shit.

Besides, I like my women on the gamey side.

- Well, how's that copy coming, Kenneth?

(clears throat) How's the copy coming?

- I told you, I'll call you when I have it.

- That was over a half an hour ago.

- What do you think, man, I shit this stuff out?

- Well, maybe I can help.

I did a little writing myself, back at Vassar

and some of it wasn't half bad.

- [Ken] You know, I find writers so sexy.

- (chuckles) Again I,

wasn't a writer, I mean, the stuff I was writing

was nothing to write home about.

(romantic, nostalgic music)

Kenneth, I need that copy right away.

- (chuckles) Who the hell was that?

- Rodney De Mole, new account exec. on Mang Spray.

- I thought Cunningham was on spray.

- Uh he is, Cunningham's on old Mang Spray,

De Mole's on new Mang Spray.

- I thought Gideon was on new Mang Spray.

- Gideon's on roll-on.

- I thought Horowitz was on roll-on.

- He is, unscented roll-on.

- Oh, what's Osborne on?

- They ran Osborne's ass outta here.

Can we go?

- What about the ad?

- Fuck 'em, let 'em wait.

(twangy, playful music)

(door clatters) (picture clatters)

(phone ringing) (twangy, playful music)

- (sighs) Hello?

- [Katie] Tom, I've got Robert Naylor Senior on the phone.

- Katie, I've got some clients out here.

I told you I don't wanna be disturbed.

- [Katie] He really sounds pissed off.

- About what?

- [Katie] He wouldn't say,

but I really think you ought to speak to him.

- All right, put him on.

Hi Robert!

How are ya?

- Lousy, Cranston, your ad's aren't doing shit for me.

- Well you know, Robert, a number of our clients

have experienced a little retrenchment, you know,

over the economy and all--

- I don't care if all your other clients

go freaking bankrupt!

We've got $35,000,000 invested in Mang deodorant ads

and I haven't seen squat yet.

- Maybe the product isn't up to snuff.

- We tested Mang under the arms of gorillas,

for Christ's sakes, kept them from stinking.

- Powerful stuff.

- Listen, Cranston, I oughta give you guys one last chance.

Seems our R and D guys have come up with some miracle fabric

that allows a woman's whose-a-what's-it to breath.

- All right, I hear ya.

I understand, we won't let you down, Robert.

- You let me down, Cranston,

you ain't gonna see any more of my money.

You understand that?

Sell something! (phone clatters)

- Haverford, I want you in my office at 8:00 sharp,

tomorrow morning.

The entire United Standard account is up for grabs.

(upbeat, dance music) (people chattering)

* Sexy postcard *

* Sexy *

(upbeat, dance music) (people chattering)

- Why don't we get to work on spots like this?

- 'Cause we get to work on Taco Joe.

(pattering footsteps)

(Rodney knocking)

- Ken.

(knocking) Kenneth.

Kenneth Tuttle, are you in there?

(pattering footsteps) (elevator rings)

Well, of all the.

(door clatters)

(Rodney sighs)

(cart clatters)

(upbeat, dance music)

- Kenny San, what's happening?

- Hey Johnny San, how you doing?

- Great.

That's my spot.

- It's not bad.

This is Anita, Anita, this is my good pal here, Johnny--

- Johnny Akita.

I saw your picture on Ad Week.

Great spot.

- I understand you guys are in a little trouble

with United Standard.

- No way man, they love our ads.

- That's not what I heard.

Supposedly their president called ours,

said he's not too happy

with some of the deodorant work you guys are doing.

- That's bullshit, man, that's my account.

- Take it easy.

(upbeat, dance music) (people chattering)

- How would he know?

(TV chattering) (Ken sighs)

Never happened to me before.

- It's okay.

- If there was one thing I could always count on,

it was getting a boner.

- It's not the most important thing in the world.

- No, it's not.

(gentle, quiet music)

What else could I do, write poetry?

You know how many poems you'd have to sell,

to earn 28 grand a year?

I don't wanna be another white kid,

making quarters in the East Village.

Besides, lovesick 14 year olds

write better poetry than I do.

- [Announcer] This is a man who smokes Marlboro cigarettes.

What kind of a man is he?

- [Man] I'm a guy who likes to work on my car.

I like to take it apart and put it back together.

I get to working on it and forget where I am,

what time it is, I even forget to eat.

You don't forget to smoke, though.

I always smoke when I work.

They go together.

- [Announcer] Would you recommend Marlboro to your friends?

- [Man] I already have.

- [Announcer] New Marlboro, filter,

flavor, flip-top box.

- [Man] Where the fuck are you?!

- What in God's name is that noise?

- Uh, nothing.

Just looking for my tan Gabardine.

- Mm, it's not back from the cleaners yet.

- What?

I thought I told you to put a rush on it.

Oh well this is lovely, just lovely,

I have a big meeting with Cranston this morning

and I was counting on Gabardine.

I always feel so secure in that suit.

- Well you could wear your Forest Dream twill, darling,

you know you always look so nice in that.

- Oh bullshit I do,

I look like a Jewish optometrist at a fundraising dinner.

- Well you know how I like Jewish men.

- I have a meeting!

(cheery, pop music) * Do do, do, do do *

* Do do do, do do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do do, and I know it's said *

(music continuing quietly) (clock clattering)

- What are you up so early for?

- The ad do-over is at 8:00.

Taco Joe wants his file meeting Monday.

- Jesus, guy's nuts.

- You should really be there, Kenny, it's your commercial.

- [Ken] Yeah.

- Try and get in there before 10:00 for God's sake.

(kisses cheek) Love you.

- Love you too.

(door rattles)

(distant dogs barking)

- You look lovely, darling.

Dignified.

* I've got nothing for you *

* But the chance to not adore you *

* And you'll never want to ask me why *

* You've got nothing for me, uh huh *

* But a chance to thrill, then bore me *

* And I wonder what it's like to die *

* Just like Che Guevara, * I'm a forest ranger *

* But just like Phillis * Diller, I'm a forest ranger *

* Ah *

* Ah *

(gentle, romantic music)

- Oh yeah, you love my light?

- [Tom] Nobody lights like you, Anna.

You're so fabulous.

- Tom, I know with this United Standard mess going on,

this might not be the perfect time to ask,

but this hip, little hotel in London

wants me to come over and photograph their place

for a new ad campaign.

- Mm, London in June, tough assignment.

- What good is it gonna do me,

rattling around the Royal Suite, all by myself?

Think about it.

- I'll have to get back to you on that.

Bye. (phone beeps)

- Top of the morning to you, T.C.

- Yeah, top of my wing-wang to you, too, Haverford.

Where's Parkyn?

- Tardy, as usual, Sir.

- [Sally] George, hurry up, you'll be late again.

- Don't ya love me?

- [Sally] George?

Jesus, you haven't even got in yet.

(George mutters)

- Sweetie, you can't go to the office like that.

You stink to high Heavens of sex and wine.

- And garlic.

- And garlic.

(George grunts)

- [George] I thought you like my funk.

- I do like it.

- Well-- - But no one else will.

Now get in there.

(George grumbles)

- Oh Christ, you Americans and your bloody showers.

Look at that, horrible, horrible.

(upbeat, cheery music) (traffic humming)

- How you doing, Roy?

- All right.

- Damn, I bought this one yesterday.

Thanks, man.

- You're okay.

- Morning.

- [Vladimir] Here you go, poppy seed,

chocolate donut, coffee, two sugars.

(bag rustles)

- How do you remember, Vladimir?

You're incredible, thanks.

(pattering footsteps) (upbeat, cheery music)

- [Woman] Hold the 'vator, hold the 'vator, please.

(woman chattering) Hold it, hold it, hold it.

(doors clatter) (bell rings)

Thank you.

- Goddamn elevators.

(person coughs) - Hold it!

(bell rings)

(upbeat, cheery music)

(door clattering) - Going up!

(bell rings) Going up?

- Goddamn idiots!

I've got a strategy review board in 10 minutes!

- [Man] You think we're idiots, idiots?

(doors clatter)

(people chattering)

(Mitch snaps fingers) (radio chattering)

- Hey Mitch, what you working on?

- Oh-- - What you writing?

- Eh, ad for that new kiwi flavored cigarette.

- Oh now, you know,

what the hell are you working on the cigarette for?

Cranston said anyone who objected didn't have to.

- Yeah, I know, and since everybody else refused,

I figured it'd be good for my career.

- What if you convince

some little 10 year old girl to smoke?

She gets tumors in her lungs

and the doctor says she'll never play the violin again.

- Ken, will you cut the moral. (sighs)

You're smoking.

- Yeah, but I don't condone it.

- All I know is Cranston asked me to do it,

so I am doing it.

- All I'm saying is, you could have refused.

- Right, that'd be really good for my career.

- You're making me look bad.

(radio chattering)

(spray hisses)

(rhythmic, sassy music)

When you weren't here last night,

I realized you were too upset to write copy

so went down and asked Mr. Parkyn

to help you revise your ad, see attached.

Client loves it, isn't that great?

Rodney De Mole.

Great, my ass, you're fucking-- (voice fades)

(thumping wall) (cheery, sassy music)

Fucking full of shit!

You suck, you suck!

- [Doug] (laughs) Something's wrong with the advertisement?

(cheery, sassy music)

- Morning, gents. - Hi.

- Christ Parkyn, can't you get anywhere on time?

- Having a little trouble

getting the old motor running this morning.

(Parkyn sighs)

- Let me tell you why I called this meeting.

We're in big trouble with United Standard.

The $35,000,000 they spent on new Mang

hasn't done shit on the marketplace.

- I told you Tuttle's ads were no good, Parkyn,

I told him T.C., but he just wouldn't listen.

- [Parkyn] You what?

You said they were the best bloody ads you'd ever seen.

- Now wait just a minute, are you calling me a liar?

Because if you're impugning-- - Haverford.

Shut up.

Now look, (clears throat) all is not lost.

This is a new pad,

developed by the United Standard R and D people,

supposedly it's made from some amazing, new fabric,

with thousands of tiny air holes,

let's a woman's who's-y-what's-it breath.

- Didn't know they had lungs down there.

- Hey, I can see the headline now,

"80% more ventilation than the next leading brand."

- That is exactly what I do not want.

In reality, this may be a very, very functional product,

but a woman still likes to see herself

portrayed as attractive and sexy

even if it is her time of the month.

- What time is that, T.C.?

- [Parkyn] Christ.

- You know, Haverford,

sometimes I think you are a profoundly, stupid man.

(Parkyn laughs)

Anyway, I'll be abroad for the next five days,

reviewing some European advertising techniques.

When I come back,

I wanna see a fully fleshed out ad campaign

and a first-rate marketing report.

- Can do, sir.

- Better can do.

They've asked Hoffman and Partners

to take a stab at this thing as well.

- Holy shit, they're the hottest shop in town.

- There's only one other agency in competition,

(sighs) the incumbent Thomas J. Cranston and Associates.

- Are they still in business?

- (chuckles) That's very funny.

We need a campaign for this.

- How lovely.

What's it do?

- Apparently it's made out of some miraculous fiber

that remains fully absorbent

even though it has 1,000 tiny holes in it,

to let in air, I suppose.

- Barry, I thought we weren't going to

pitch this kind of business, no Tidy Flush,

no Carver's Little Liver Pills,

no things that go between people's legs.

- This is over $100,000,000 worth of biddings, Regina.

One can hardly turn the other cheek.

- I agree with Regina,

why on Earth are we going after products

we wouldn't even allow in our own home?

- Listen everybody, calm down.

I've already got the campaign

so why don't we just take their money and get on with it?

This thing

has thousands of tiny air holes, right?

We simply buy some song by Air Supply, get it?

Air Supply?

And we get Chase Carlton to shoot some fabulous

black and white footage to it.

You know, great looking chicks running around

in white tennis shorts and slacks and dresses,

being active as hell.

And then at the end,

some chick announcer with one of those wonderful,

lesbian, alcohol and cigarette voices says, real deadpan,

"The new Fazza Fazza Period Thing,

"your own personal Air Supply."

(slow clapping)

- It's perfect, you've done it again, Johnny San.

- Not sharp enough, Miss Volney.

- But I've worked on each one individually

for over five minutes, Mr. Haverford.

- Why do you think we pay you $85 a week, Miss Volney,

to pat you on the head

because you've done a shit eating job?

(pencils crackle) (Miss Volney gasps)

I want these pencils sharp!

Do you understand?

(Miss Volney sobbing)

Sit down, sit down, men.

And you too, dear lady.

- What's on the agenda, boss?

- I'll tell you what's on the agenda, Covington,

this.

- What is it?

- This new sand-nap here contains thousands

of tiny air holes to let a woman's who's-y-what's-it breath.

- Oh hey, sexy.

Little something for the missus, boss?

- Of course not, Betsy would never wear anything so,

so-- - So grotesquely sluttish,

sir?

- Exactly,

so grotesquely sluttish,

but,

well, for a modern, young woman, like Heidi here,

who might be out dancing all night

at some steamy discotheque,

I suspect this front panel here

would be rather cooling.

Am I right?

- (chuckles) Yes.

- Anyway,

United Standard has us in a pitched battle

with Hoffman and Partners for all their business.

I've just met with Cranston,

he wants us to put together a topnotch marketing report.

- Can do, sir.

- What about creative, sir?

Hoffman and Partners is the hottest shop in town. (chuckles)

- Well frankly, Heidi,

creative is the one thing that has me worried,

damn worried.

- But why, sir?

That Parkyn is a genius.

- Genius, ha,

the man's as unreliable as a Mexican gardener.

- Are Mexicans unreliable, Mr. Haverford?

- Are the Serbians brutal and sadistic?

Do the Greeks like it up the ass?

Do the French neglect to bath their crotches?

- Well who can we trust down there, boss?

Those creatives are just a bunch of creeps and weirdos.

- De Mole, close the door.

I'll tell you who we can trust.

(quiet, playful music)

- [Billie] Hey Mitch.

- Hi, Billie, hi.

- [Billie] Did you uh, misplace your eye glasses again?

- I was, wanted to borrow a pencil,

but my phone. - Ah.

(Billie laughs)

- Mitchel, you forgot your pencil.

(phone ringing)

(phone clatters)

- Mitchel Mitnick here.

Oh hi Mr. Haverford.

Lunch?

Why I'd be delighted.

(people chattering)

- Mitnick.

Over here.

Mitchel Mitnick, our resident creative genius.

Waiter!

This young man wants a drink.

- Uh, let's see, I'll have uh--

- Go ahead and have a uh Chianti,

or whatever far out stuff

you creatives are drinking these days.

- No no no, martini will be fine, just fine.

(upbeat, carefree music)

- Oh, why can't we spend our lunches

on roller blades, George?

- Because we are prisoners, mate, prisoners of the ad game.

Too bloody scared to let our guard down.

And with good reason, the great Satan, Barry Hoffman,

is about to steal our United Standard business.

- I heard that.

- I need a home run from you, kid.

- George, I can't get my bat on the ball.

I'm a hack.

- You're a hack?

You're the laziest, bloody bastard I ever came across,

but you're not a hack.

You've got wit.

- I don't know what to do, George,

last night, I couldn't even get a hard-on.

- Well get over it,

Cranston needs a full blown presentation

before he gets back from Europe

and I've gotta spend the next three days

in bloody Akron, Ohio

with the United Standard laxative division.

- [Ken] They make laxatives?

- Laddie, they'd make fucking Hemlock

if there was a nettle in it.

- So how do we get started on this sanitary napkin thing?

- Well Kenny, this is why I'm wining and dining you,

in this opulent fashion.

I need you to captain this while I'm away.

- George, I'm a hack, all right?

Why don't you just fire me, take me out of my misery?

- Listen mate,

there isn't a creative person in this town

who doesn't think they're a hack,

not if they're any good, anyway.

God knows why, but I have faith in you.

(trash rustles) (upbeat, sassy music)

- What do you say?

Hm?

- I'll do it.

I'll give you guys the best damn sand nap campaign

Matt Ab has ever seen.

(group laughing) - Yay!

- To Mitnick, our next creative director.

(glasses clink) - Here here. (chuckles)

- Oh and uh, Mitchel,

start wearing a suit to the office, will ya?

Looks so much more business-like.

- You bet, sir.

- [Humphrey] Advertising, advertising, advertising.

(grunting) Advertising. (grunting)

(stuttering) Advertising. (gasping)

Advertising.

(door clatters) (upbeat music)

Advertising.

* In your heart * Advertising.

- Who the hell was that?

- Ya like her, huh?

Sweet little thing.

- Little?

- Yeah, she's a full-figure little lady.

Fella can really lose himself in a woman like that.

- Brought a little something for ya.

- Oh hello there little fella.

Call those account folks down now, tell 'em we got

those new Mang Spray commercials ready for 'em.

- (sighs) I haven't written a thing yet.

- Shit me.

What has that got to do with anything?

Here's an old car battery spot everybody hated.

- Ha, those Mang Spray ads are ready, I'll eat my hat.

That Tuttle is the laziest bastard in the agency.

- (chuckles) Don't you know it.

- Turn the music off, Rodney.

(clears throat)

- Well well, hard-on Covington and Company.

- Ha ha, very funny, Tuttle.

That's Harson and you know it.

- Heidi tells us the Mang Spray tags are ready.

- Absolutely.

(Ken clears throat)

Okay, I really think you're gonna like this.

Do you wanna get off.

(Humphrey gasping)

- Christ, can we even get through one 10 second spot?

- Calm down, dude, the guy's got a cold.

- Okay, okay, just read the commercial.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- Wanna get off to a sure, fresh start every morning?

Make certain you've got a Mach 7 no-die car battery

under your hood.

What do you think?

- Heidi?

- Well it's um, straight forward and um,

positive, I like it. (chuckles)

- Rodney?

- Well, it's simple, hard-hitting and to the point.

I agree with Heidi, it's gang busters.

- Oh. (chuckles)

- What do you think, Chief?

- I'll tell you what I think,

that's not a Mang Spray commercial, Tuttle,

it's a fucking car battery commercial!

(Humphrey sneezes)

(group gasps)

- Oh, oh God Humphrey, not on the man's brand new suit!

- Oh my, oh my God! (gagging)

(men muttering)

- Sorry about that, man, I'm really sorry.

- Thousand dollar suit, you just destroyed.

- 2,000. - 2,000!

(Covington gasps) - Covington,

I can't believe you, here a colleague's just sneezed up

half his adenoids, maybe a piece of his brain,

and you're worried about a goddamn suit?

I mean, where are your priorities, man?

- Tell you where my priorities are, Tuttle,

to get you and Humphrey and Parkyn

and all the rest of, Jesus Christ!

Come on, Rodney, let's get you to the nurse.

- (smacking) Dang summer colds. (sniffing)

- [Ken] Man, what can you say about a sanitary napkin?

Makes having your period a blast?

Just glad I'm not a girl.

If I had a period, I'd,

if I had a period, Anita, Anita,

what do you think of this?

Glad to be a girl.

Right, you love it.

- Honestly, I hate the way these paper napkins

keep sliding off your lap.

- Madame?

- Gracious, now I'm seeing things.

- Oh no, I'm Manners, the Butler,

and I wish you'd try Kleenex table napkins.

They won't slide off your lap.

- Really?

Why it's true, why they cling like cloth.

- They cling like cloth.

Thank you.

(alarm beeping)

(button clicks)

- George.

George, wake up, your plane.

George, are you up?

Are you up, George?

- Sorry, love.

Give me thumbs a squeeze, will you?

- [Sally] What?

- Me thumbs, give 'em a good, hard squeeze.

Blimey, I don't feel a thing.

They're numb, absolutely, bloody numb.

I've got numb thumbs, Sally, numb fucking thumbs.

- Oh come on, George,

you can't let a little thing like that stop you.

(engine humming) (horn honks)

Oh damn, they're here already.

- Not a tingle.

I can't go to Akron, I've gotta go to a thumb doctor.

- You'll be the laughing stock at the agency.

(horn honking) (dog barking)

It's fucking Haverford, what should I tell him?

- Tell him the truth, tell him I've got numb thumbs.

- George isn't coming, he's ill.

- That's too bad.

United Standard's really expecting him to be out there.

- He's just too sick, Peter, I'm sorry.

- What seems to be the problem?

- It's very serious.

He's got numb thumbs.

- Numb what?

- Numb thumbs.

- Oh.

(engine rumbling) (wheels screeching)

- Christ, I'm not even 50 years old.

- This time that limey bastard's gone too far.

- Jesus, sir, what are we gonna do?

They'll fry our asses without Parkyn out there.

- You know, Harson,

this may be just the break we've been waiting for.

- Come along now.

Don't be bashful, you might find this damn interesting.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Arnold.

Ethnic looking chap, isn't he? (chuckles)

Yet, his taste buds are closer to our own

than any other species,

which is precisely why we here, at United Standard,

use the humble catfish to taste test

every one of our foods.

Like this revolutionary, new, synthetic sundae,

not even the nuts are real. (chuckles)

Let's see if Arnold doesn't prefer it

more than the real thing.

(water burbles) (container rattles)

Ha, probably not very hungry right now.

Had a late lunch.

On to our Vorcan briefing.

Now this, ladies and gentlemen, (paper rustles)

this,

is the most revolutionary, new development

in menstrual leisure wear since,

since uh,

well, what makes it so unique is this, Vorcan.

It's a miracle fiber, containing thousands

and thousands of tiny, little air holes

that allows a woman's who's-y-what's-it to breath.

Now, what I wanna talk about now

is far, far more important than mere statistics.

What I need from each and every one of you

is to make a total, undying commitment

to the coming Vorcan revolution,

just as I have.

- Oh nice. - Oh.

- Wow.

- Well, good luck and may the best agency win. (chuckles)

All right, Arnold, goddammit, let's eat.

Eat, you ugly bastard, eat.

Eat, eat.

(plane whooshing)

- What the hell (voice cuts out)

was that around your mouth, De Mole, Christ, it's a sight.

- (chuckles) I know it is, sir,

I've been to about a million dermatologists,

they all say it's some sort of nonspecific irritation.

- United Standard makes a lip balm.

Have you tried that?

- Oh, it made it worse, sir.

- Well there must be something you can do.

United Standard's our biggest client.

- Well, perhaps if I used a little of,

Heidi's, how do you call it, blush,

I could possibly cover it up.

- Hey, that's a great idea, and I can help you put it on.

- Oh no, that's all right,

I think I can probably figure this out myself.

- [Radio Reporter] A Newport, Tennessee man

decided to get even with his wife

because he thought she was having an affair.

He allegedly super glued--

- Gentlemen, Rodney here is going to show you a campaign

for Gotta Go Laxative that I think

will knock your socks off.

- Wait a damn second, where's Parkyn?

- Oh uh,

he couldn't make it.

- Haverford, didn't we specifically say

we want Parkyn at every meeting?

- Well the truth is Parkyn

wasn't feeling very well this morning.

His wife said that he was too sick to get on the plane.

- Um, it wasn't anything serious?

- She said he had um,

uh, (clears throat)

numb thumbs.

- Numb thumbs.

- Did you say numb thumbs?

- It's the truth, sir. It may be hard to believe,

but these creatives are a temperamental lot.

- I hear numb thumbs can be fairly serious.

- It's all bullshit.

You tell your boss, Cranston,

I want creatives out here in Akron

and I don't care if they're wing wangs have gone numb.

- Are you saying that you want Parkyn off the account?

Fired?

Out of the agency?

- Well, we're not gonna tell you how to run your business.

Even with numb thumbs, Parkyn is one hell of a creative.

- Would you like me to see if I can get him out here

for the rest of our meetings?

- Damn right, get him out here.

- Rodney, you present those ads.

I'm going to go call George.

- Okay sweetheart, let's see what you've got.

- Okay, uh,

feeling constipated?

(carefree, cheery music)

- I can't believe how much better I feel.

(carefree, cheery music)

(phone clatters)

- That bastard's playing hooky.

- Okay, now for those that are feeling really constipated,

we introduced extra strength Gotta Go.

- Refuses?

- Outright refuses to get on the plane.

I have never seen such insubordination.

- Get rid of him.

- (sighs) I guess we have no other choice.

Uh, local call. (chuckles)

(distant people chattering)

(phone ringing) (sleepy grumbling)

- [Anna] Hello?

- Oh, hi Mrs. Cranston, I didn't know T.C. brought you over.

- Who is it? - Oh God.

- Hello?

- Hi T.C., I didn't know you brought the missus with you.

- Haverford, do you have any idea what time it is here?

- I'm sorry, T.C., but this is an emergency.

Today, George Parkyn was guilty

of the grossest kind of insubordination.

I've just come from the presentation room at United Standard

and they were outraged that he didn't show up.

I went by his apartment this morning in a limousine

and his wife yelled out the window

that he had numb thumbs or something of the kind.

Anyway, I have been personally instructed to,

quote, "Get him out of the agency," end of quote.

- (sighs) Parkyn's been with me for 20 years.

- They want him out, sir, now.

United Standard is demanding it.

If we lose United Standard, I'll be okay, sir,

I'll manage with way fewer dollars,

but what about little Jimmy Burns in the mail room?

- (whispers) Pip.

- And what about Pip, the semi-retarded messenger boy?

- Pip?

Uh well,

uh,

break it to him gently, for god sake.

(Anna groaning)

- He's outta here! (group celebrating)

(inspirational music) (groups celebrating)

- I think it's great.

Glad to be a girl, glad to wear curls,

I mean, there's something very 40s about it.

- Yeah, we get Joey to write a Cole Porter number.

- I love that.

Cafe Carlisle, stockings with seams,

Bobby Shore, tickling the ivories.

* Glad to be Bacall, glad to have it all *

* Glad to have that sweet thing *

* Makes a fella sing *

Oh, you know what I love about you?

The complexity of your mind.

- Oh, you like that, huh?

- Oh, it's so sophisticated.

- Who says, "Girl," anymore anyway?

- You know, Anita's right,

see that person at the bar in the red dress?

- Technically, I'm married.

- Nowadays, we call somebody like that a fella.

- [Anita] I think it really sucks.

- Why?

- I think it's stupid and sexist.

- I like glad to be a girl.

- Well I don't. - What about

wonderful to be a woman?

Okay, what about babe you're beautiful?

- I must say, this has been a really lovely day, dear.

- Blissful.

We should steal a Thursday more often.

- It's Wednesday, George.

- Oh, Wednesday then.

(fax machine rings)

- Who the hell would be faxing us something now?

- Could you get it, love?

Those things scare the bejesus out of me.

(cheery, sassy music)

(machine humming)

- [Sally] It's from Haverford.

- Oh Christ, what does he want?

- Oh God.

Has demanded your resignation, effective immediately?

Sorry about this, but you have no one to blame but yourself.

(paper rustling)

Bullshit.

Wait 'til Cranston hears about this.

- You fired Parkyn?

You're out of your mind.

- He was insubordinate, Anna.

You can't have that in this business.

- He was the most talented guy you had around the place.

- He refused to go out to United Standard.

At a time when we're

holding on to that account by our fingernails,

he put my company in great jeopardy.

- And that idiot, Haverford, is going to uh,

save the day?

- [Woman] Why are you bothering me now?

- I've been very, very bad.

- [Woman] You naughty boy.

- Yes, I need to be punished.

- [Woman] I'm going to spank your tush.

- What is it, Tuttle?

- Oh, I thought you guys were in Akron.

Uh, George come back with ya?

- Frankly, I don't know where Parkyn is at the moment.

- Oh, just wanted to show him the new idea

for the sanitary napkin.

- Well let's see what you got.

I'll get back to you on that.

(phone clatters)

- George said he has to see everything first.

- Tuttle, the presentation's in four days.

Let's not stand on ceremony, for Christ's sake.

- Well our theme line is, glad to be a girl,

and it's kind of a retro thing,

you know, 40s elegance, Manhattan at night,

glad to wear pearls,

glad to be a girl.

Right?

Glad to wear curls,

glad to be a girl.

- Glad to be a girl?

What the fuck does that mean?

- It makes having your period such a breeze

that you can enjoy being a woman.

- Tuttle, Vorcan provides 80% more ventilation

than the next, leading brand.

Why can't we just come out and say it for once?

- Well I like this idea.

- (grumbles) Miss Volney, get Mitnick on the phone.

- Mitnick?

(quiet, sassy music) (people chattering)

- [Woman] My sister's going out with a periodontist.

- [Man] A what?

- [Woman] You know, one of those doctors

that operates on your ass.

- [Man] No, that's a pediatrist.

- Oh, it's Ken Tuttle, hi Ken Tuttle.

- What's this all about?

- Beats the shit outta me.

- I thought they were all in Akron.

- Well supposedly they flew back

for an emergency announcement.

- Uh oh. - Mmhmm.

- Well now that we're all here, we can begin.

As you all probably know,

our chairman T.J. Cranston, is in Europe,

on a secret mission for the advertising industry.

- Yeah, like how can I get laid without my wife finding out?

- So, in his absence,

he's asked me to relay some pretty exciting news.

(group responding) (people chuckling)

We've got a new creative director.

He's bright, he's talented, and most important of all,

he listens.

Let's me tell you about

some of the great campaigns he's done.

Carter's Little Liver Pills,

Toilet Duck--

- That's Mitchel.

- Hair Club for Men-- - Oh yeah,

what the fuck did you do with Parkyn?

- [Group] Yeah.

- [Man] Yeah, what was wrong with Parkyn?

- I'm glad you asked that, Doug.

See, last night, George,

unexpectedly announced his retirement

to work on a novel that's been peculating

in that mad, crazy brain of his for years.

- (claps hands) Hey, Georgie's writing a novel.

- I tried to talk him out of it,

Christ, how I tried, but he just wouldn't listen.

So, I'm pleased to announce our new C.D.,

ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mitchel Mitnick.

(group applauding) (people chattering)

- Thank you.

Thank you.

I just wanna say that uh,

uh,

this is the most,

this is the most,

challenging and the most moving day of my life.

- I say we strike.

They had no right railroading Parkyn outta here like that.

- Damn right, no more advertising.

- Kenny, we can't strike because we'll get fired.

I'm not about to lose my job.

- But what, if we don't do something soon, it'll be reality,

just like a million other bad things

that have happened around here.

- Tuttle, just had an idea.

- Yes sir.

- Instead of all this mushy, creative stuff on Mang Spray,

why not just try being direct for once?

- Hm, such as?

- Oh, I don't know,

you've tried the rest, now try the best, new Mang Spray.

You're the writer, play with it a little.

- Oh he'll play with it.

- Jesus.

- Did those guys actually think

we're gonna write their shit for them?

- Wait a second, I know how to get Parkyn back.

What if instead of resisting all the time,

we just give those dorks

exactly what they're always asking for?

- Oh Anita, I love it.

It's elegant, it's Gandhi-esque.

- It's too subtle, it'll never work.

- (clears throat) Excuse me.

May I have your attention?

I thought some of you might be interested

in the focus group session about to take place on 17.

- [Ken] What's it on, Heidi?

- Oh Cynthia Worthim, in research,

is interviewing teenage girls about their

sanitary napkin preferences and--

- Are you saying that teenage girls are sitting around

chatting about what's going on between their legs?

- (chuckles) Not exactly.

- Excuse me. - Whoa!

(men excitedly yelling)

- I switched to a tampon last year,

when I lost my virginity--

- Hi.

- I'll be 14 in March.

I'm a Pisces.

(men excitedly yelling)

- Shh, be quiet, be quiet.

- Thank you, Amber.

Now Angelica, what do you think

of the new ventilated Vorcan pad?

- Well I like it, I mean,

I would wear it even when I'm not having my period.

- [Interviewer] Even when you're not having your period?

- [Angelica] Mmhmm.

- [Interviewer] Interesting, why is that?

- Careful, Tuttle,

they can see the flame through the mirror.

- Why Hard-on Covington,

I see you're interested in peer research too.

- Well sometimes when I'm out on a date, with my boyfriend,

you know, um, we get into it a little--

(group chattering) - Stop pushing.

- And there's a wetness down there,

and so, I guess all that ventilation

would kind of help with the evaporation and all.

- Stop pushing!

- Help with the evaporation. - Interesting.

(man grunts) (glass crashes)

(people reacting) (upbeat music)

- [Man] Nothing to worry about, just fixing the mirror.

- [Girl] He is hot.

* Close your eyes *

* I want to ride the * skies in my sweet dream *

- Great work, Johnny San.

* Close your eyes *

* I want to see you * tonight in my sweet dream *

- We got a problem here.

- What's that, P.H.?

- Cranston's due back next Monday.

Rumor has it Hoffman and Partners

has a hot, new campaign and we don't have shit.

Pardon my French, Miss Wilson.

And stop calling me P.H., you idiot,

you make me sound like a fuckin' pimple cream.

- Sorry about that, P.H., sir.

- We'll have the advertising soon, Mr. Haverford.

I promise.

- Not if your reception by the creatives

is any kind of omen.

Covington, De Mole, little Heidi Wilson.

- [Group] Sir.

- Get down to 15 and shake some advertising

out of those slobs.

And Mitnick, get me that 80% more ventilation ad.

- Yes sir.

- Advertising.

Oh advertising.

- Doug, would you shut the fuck up?

- Advertising.

- How's this, never has a panty been so scanty--

- Too clever, I like the one De Mole suggested,

amazing new underwear product from United Standard.

Perfect.

- What if Cranston thinks we're serious?

Even worse, what if he likes it?

- He won't like it.

Cranston may be a bastard,

but he sure knows his advertising.

- Okay, TV spot.

Ladies, here's a great, new product

from a fine, old company, United Standard.

For over 40 years,

America's largest purveyor of consumer products

with plants in every single state of the union,

including Guam and equatorial Africa--

- [Woman] Do they really do that?

- [Anita] Yep,

(upbeat music) yep, they did.

- Howdy.

You folks must be here for the advertising.

- Guys, bad news, Haverford's having a hissy.

He want's a complete sand nap effort

by tomorrow morning here.

- Oh hey, that's no problem, we're done already.

- Yeah, only, you know,

I think we did a little bit too much.

I hope that's not a problem.

- With plants in every single, (Heidi muttering)

will you keep it down, Heidi?

I can't concentrate.

- These are pretty good, pretty damn good.

- You really think so?

- Guys, I think these commercials are fantabulous,

I mean, just fantabulous.

- Why thank you, Co.

- Really first rate.

- Just capturing on paper

what you guys have been saying all along.

- You really hit the nail on the head.

There's only one thing, uh, and I hate to even bring it up.

- Don't be silly, Mitch, what's on your mind?

- Could we try just one more ad,

something I thought up, uh, in the shower this morning.

- There's a gruesome visual.

- Goes like this, now from United Standard,

80% more ventilation than the next leading brand.

- Now that's great advertising.

- Great. (clapping hands)

(group applauding)

- Explain this to me once again?

- Every time the suits make a suggestion,

no matter how dull, no matter how corny,

we turn it into an ad.

(gentle, background music) (people chattering)

- What the fuck's that supposed to do?

- By the time Cranston gets back from Europe,

the advertising will be so bad,

they'll be begging you to come back.

- But what if Cranston doesn't get the joke?

Then you'll be out of a job, mate, just like me.

- We'll have each other.

(gentle, orchestral music)

- I remember an uncle of mine whom I loved very much.

He lived by the sea

and I often spent all day on the beach with him,

just walking along.

He liked to smoke cigars.

And each time he took one out,

he asked me the same question, "Do you like music?"

"Yes," I'd say.

"Well then, here's a band for ya."

He'd put the Robert Burns band on my finger

and we'd go on, walking in the sun.

Years later, that memory made me start smoking Robert Burns.

- [Man] Nice speech.

- [Mr. Ed] Well anyway, it's sincere.

- [Man] How could it be, wiseguy?

- [Mr. Ed] You mean I don't sound sincere?

- [Man] Of course not,

you made that point to me, remember?

- Kenny.

- [Man] And what's good for the boss is good for the heart.

- Kenny, come to bed, it's after 3:00.

- No I'm uh, I'm okay, not sleepy.

- [Mr. Ed] Hm, I wonder if they sell--

- Honey, you don't have to,

you know.

- No, I know, thanks.

- [Mr. Ed] And I used to have a lot of hay

before I started lunch.

- [Man] Besides, I told ya--

(gentle, flute music)

(Heidi clears throat)

- Doug. (chuckles)

- Well hello there, little lady.

- I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed

reading your advertising yesterday. (chuckles)

- Oh you liked the advertising, did you?

- Oh, it was wonderful. (laughs)

do you mind if I sit down?

- Oh, not at all.

Have a seat.

- What's that instrument you're playing?

- It's an Ocarina.

You wanna give her a toodle?

- Oh no, I'd be terrible.

- Oh no such thing with an Ocarina.

(Heidi chuckles)

(flute whistles) (Heidi chuckles)

(flute whistles)

Go ahead, you're getting it.

(flute whistling)

- (giggles) Hey, this if fun.

- I can see you're a very oral person.

- What's that?

- You have a tendency to be putting things in your mouth.

- (laughs) Well actually I do.

You should see what I do with pens. (laughs)

(door clatters)

- [Doug] Advertising.

(knocking on door) Adver--

- Hey Doug, you in there?

Open up a minute, will ya?

(Doug grunts) Doug, I know you're in there.

I wanna show Mr. Haverford my ad.

- [Doug] Come back later, man, I'm getting head.

- (laughs) Sure.

Sure B.J. in the office.

(Heidi giggles) Don't you wish.

- So remember, for 80% more ventilation, you know where,

Mitchel, think United Standard,

America's largest manufacturer of consumer products.

- So, what do you think, Mr. Haverford?

(knuckles crack) (Haverford sighs)

- Dang.

I think this is the best, damn advertising I've seen

since I've been in the business.

It's hard hitting, it's assertive and it's direct.

- Thank you, sir.

- Damn, I can hardly wait to show it to Cranston.

He's going to be ecstatic.

Well, (clears throat) great show.

See everybody in the morn.

(claps hands) Great show.

Great show. (clapping hands)

Uh, Covey.

You know, Harson,

getting Parkyn outta here was the best thing

that ever happened to this place.

- Oh, (chuckles) you got that right, sir.

- Frankly, I think we owe ourselves a little treat.

* One, two, three *

(upbeat, rock music) * Eh *

* All right *

* Eh, got to know how to * pony like Bony Maronie *

* Put your hands on your hips, yeah *

* Let your backbone slip *

* Do the watusi, like my little Lucy *

* Oh *

(upbeat, rock music) * Eh *

* Nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah, need somebody * to help me sing one time *

* Nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah * nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Wahhhhh *

("Land of a Thousand Dances" by Percy Faith)

* Wow *

* Eh, you know I feel all right *

* Ha, feel pretty good, y'all, eh *

* Nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah, come on y'all, * let's say it one more time *

(phone rings)

- Yes?

Okay.

(phone clatters)

Tom is ready for you guys.

- (knocks) Morning T.C., welcome back.

- Ah, good morning, it's good be back.

Come in, everybody.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Well we might as well get right down to business.

(clears throat) Mitchel here,

has come up with some Vorcan advertising that frankly,

I don't think we could have gotten out of Parkyn.

- Oh, is that so, Mitchel?

- Well I think it's great stuff, sir.

- It better be.

Tomorrow's the presentation.

That doesn't give us much turnaround time.

- Oh we're not gonna need any turnaround time, T.C.,

this stuff's gang busters.

- Let's see what you got, Mitchel.

- Well sir, (sighs)

this first commercial opens on a closeup--

- Wait a minute.

Shouldn't we begin with my marketing report?

- Christ Covington, save it for the meeting.

I can't stand that shit.

- (sighs) Well, as I was saying,

before we were so rudely interrupted--

- Which is why we believe it's the absolutely perfect

product for today's contemporary, young woman,

who simply is no longer willing

to be enslaved by the preconceived notions of men,

that a woman having her period

is not capable of competing at the very top of her game.

Thank you.

- (timer clicks) Excellent, Penelope.

I've got you in just under five minutes.

Perfect.

- Another fine product from your favorite company,

United Standard.

(sighs) Well, that pretty much completes the package.

- Isn't that great stuff, T.C.?

- Uh, did you write all this yourself, Mitnick?

- Well, I just supervised, really.

- Oh, don't be modest, Mitchel,

he wrote every last word, itself.

- You know, sir, none of the other people's work

was really quite right, so last minute,

I had to do it all myself. (chuckles)

- Well, it sucks,

every fucking word of it.

It is the most boring,

dismal,

anal advertising I've ever seen in my entire life.

- Goddammit Mitnick!

I told you the work lacks punch!

I told him, T.C., but he just wouldn't listen.

- Listen?

Sir, with all due respect, I,

you approved every, single one of those things.

You told me it was great.

I can't believe you're saying this to me!

- Shut up! (thumps desk)

- Shut up!

- Get me Parkyn.

(group relieved sighing)

(slams desk) Parkyn!

(playful, sassy music) (phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh I'm sorry, Tom, George isn't available right now.

He's um, he's finishing his novel.

It seems Random House is--

(playful, sassy music)

Well, I doubt it.

Let me ask him.

- Haverford, if we don't keep this account,

I'm gonna have your ass.

- Mine too, sir.

- Here's the deal, triple his salary,

guaranteed 10-year contract,

and a red Jeep Cherokee for his company car.

- Yes, yes, anything, anything!

I'm putting it in writing as we speak.

Just get his ass up here.

He's accepted.

- Yes!

(slaps hands)

Congratulations, sir.

(typewriter clicking)

- Who was that?

- Oh, just Tom Cranston.

- Cranston?

What did he want?

- He says he wants you to come back and work for him.

But only on one condition.

- What that I wear leg irons?

- No, that you accept triple what you were making

when he fired you.

- Uh, I want a five-year contract.

- How about 10 years, guaranteed.

- Any bonuses?

- A red Jeep Cherokee, for me.

- Damn. (claps desk)

I was just getting into this novel.

- Well, you could always pick it up again on vacation.

- How many weeks vacation?

- All right, how about

a freer life for the new woman?

- It's good love, it's good.

Let's see if we can't top it.

- Oh, George, this is impossible,

it's just another lousy Kotex.

- Well then why are the lads at United Standard

so bloody excited about it?

- It's got thousands of tiny air holes

to let a woman's woozie-- - Oh,

don't even say it.

- Well that Hoffman's got a great idea.

- Well of course, they've got Johnny Akita.

- You say that 'cause he dresses in black.

- Well I don't see your picture in Ad Week all the time.

- Children, children, no fighting.

- I gotta go home.

I don't know why we don't resign the account right now.

No way we're gonna keep it.

- Ah.

(ball clatters)

Kenny, you're right, you are a hack,

a bloody, wanking hack.

You're just leaving

'cause you got an ickle wickle bit frustrated.

Poor little Kenny,

didn't have an idea in the first five minutes.

- What do you want from me, George? It's hopeless, I suck.

I don't have any decent ideas.

- Don't you realize

that's when we have our best ideas, mate?

Just when we think we're never gonna have another idea

in the rest of our lives.

Now, let me ask the assembled congregation one more time,

what is so special about this great, new sanitary napkin?

- [Ken] Nothing, absolutely nothing.

It's just a little bit better than what they have out now.

- A little better ain't bad.

- No, it isn't bad, George, I mean, you know,

trust me, I tried it.

- So what we're saying is the pad ain't bad.

- Yeah. - Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

Try the nachos.

- Wait, Kenny.

I think you got it.

- Got what?

- The idea.

Pad ain't bad, strikes just the right note.

It is a better product,

but it isn't exactly gonna save all of human kind,

certainly not the men.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, Kenny, George is right.

The pad ain't bad, I mean it's uh,

it's memorable, it's got attitude.

- Hot darn, picture this,

little African American lady, schlepping up the stairs,

bags full of groceries,

5th floor walkup, everything gone wrong in her life,

but the pad ain't bad.

- Why does she have to be African American?

- Okay, she's Portuguese.

- I can work with that.

- Think Harson, think.

- Create, you bastards, create.

- Not to be disrespectful, sir,

but isn't it Parkyn and his people

who are supposed to do the actual advertising?

- Ah, you think I trust those degenerates

to come up with anything we could actually use?

They're about as creative as a busload of Norwegians.

- But sir, wasn't Kierkegaard Norwegian?

- Who does he work for?

- I got it!

This is it, this is the one.

I'm a United Standard woman from head to you-know-where,

and all these little things are call-outs

of their famous brands, Pastoral shampoo for the hair,

Enamel Grout for the teeth,

Mang Spray for the pits, and working our way down the body,

to Vorcan for the snatch,

uh, bush,

hair pie,

trim,

patch,

red snapper,

skirt steak-- - Uh,

this isn't getting us anywhere, uh, Mitnick,

you're creative, get down to your floor

and see what you can come up with.

- Yes sir.

- Come on, Doug, it's after midnight.

- Just doing a little backup advertising

in case nobody likes what we have.

Even her protection is holy.

(pair laughs) - You're really perverted.

You're an asshole. (laughs)

(paper rustles) (cheerful, carefree music)

(Doug sighs)

(playful, rhythmic music)

- Goddammit, why didn't I think of this?

It's brilliant.

- Goddammit, Mitnick, why didn't you think of this?

It's brilliant.

- Well, at least I was the one who borrowed it, sir.

- You know,

I've got a feeling this is going to come in pretty handy.

* Ouch, I wake up in the morning *

* I'll think about you, girl *

* I'll wake up in the morning, * I'll think about you girl *

* Ouch, I'll wake up in the morning *

* I'll think about you girl, * I'll wake up in the morning *

* I'll think about you girl *

* Ouch *

* One, two, three, four *

(musician screaming lyrics) (upbeat, rock music)

(people chattering) (upbeat, background music)

- Kenny San.

- Hey Johnny.

- Tomorrow's the big day.

- Yeah, I hear you guys got something really great.

- Hm, I hear you guys lost your creative director.

- We got him back.

How you doing?

- Hey Johnny.

- So how is your presentation?

- Oh, we got some great advertisement worked up.

You guys make a handsome couple.

(people chattering)

- [Anita] (kisses) Goodnight.

- Mmhmm.

- [Anita] Oh, that's better.

- Easy, I got a presentation, I need my energy.

Maybe not.

(Anita grunts) (pair kissing)

(Ken sighs)

One more day, okay?

(Anita sighs) I promise,

we can play Joanie and Chachi tomorrow.

(Anita slaps covers) Ah!

(cheerful, nostalgic, orchestral music)

- [Man] They'll know you've arrived

when you drive up in the 1958 Edsel.

(horns honking) (traffic humming)

(people chattering)

- Tuttle, Parkyn tells me you have an idea.

The pad ain't bad, you made a grammatical error.

Christ, the meeting's in two hours.

We've gotta change all this.

What do you think United Standard's

gonna condone the bastardization of the English language?

- I don't know.

- You've just blown the United Standard account, Tuttle.

Mark my word.

(rhythmic, rock music)

- Look at Kenny in a tie, isn't he cute?

- Oh yeah, adorable.

- Dad had to make a poo poo.

A few minutes.

- Yeah.

- [Woman] I think the Twinkie brothers

have the same suit on.

- Yesterday, when I left home, looked like rain,

so naturally, I brought my umbrella.

Wouldn't you know it, it was a beautiful day.

So today, of course, I leave the old brellie at home,

what happens the second I step off the train?

Cats and dogs. (laughs)

- What, are you two having an affair?

- Oh. (group laughs)

(Naylor clears throat)

- Oh. (chuckles)

- Ready to begin, dad?

- Yep.

- Okay, um, gentlemen, quiet please.

Calling this meeting to order.

Mr. Cranston, would you tell us, please,

why you think your agency is best suited

to handle our new Vorcan sanitary product and by extension,

all United Standard brands.

- I'd be happy to, Robert.

(clears throat) In fact, I'm confident

that the thinking you're going to see here today

will pursued you of that handily.

So let me begin by introducing Peter Haverford,

executive vice president, and head of account operations.

Peter will take us through our presentation.

- (clears throat) First, let me say, sir,

what an honor it is to be presenting

to one of America's great captains of industry--

- Shut up.

- Right right, happily. (chuckles)

Now, here to present the first part of our marketing report,

is our brilliant, young account supervisor,

Harson Covington.

- That wouldn't be hard-on Covington, would it?

- Uh, yes that's right, sir.

(group laughing)

(clears throat) The impact of the sand nap on American life

can in no way be-- - Shut up.

- What dad is saying is he would prefer to go

straight to the actual advertising.

- But I worked-- - As you wish.

Now, this first commercial we're going to look at--

- Did you do it?

- Beg your pardon, sir?

- Dad wants to know if you're the one

who actually created the advertising.

- Well, I was instrumental--

- George, you and Kenny show the work.

George Parkyn and Ken Tuttle

and about a million people in the back room

created the work you're gonna see today.

- That's us all right.

- I think, actually, this advertising uh, speaks for itself.

So Kenny, why don't you let her rip?

- (clears throat) Thank you.

(posters thump table)

Now this first one concerns an older,

kind of bedraggled looking bride.

She's standing on a receiving line that just won't end

and she's greeting a lot of weird looking relatives.

Just then, the bride looks to the camera and says,

"Getting my period on my wedding day was a drag.

"My new mother-in-law is a hag.

"The chicken-ala-king was downright sad.

"But the pad ain't bad."

Then the voiceover reads,

"It's never fun having your period,

"but the new ventilated pad from United Standard,

"makes it just a little more bearable."

Then the bride says, "The pad ain't bad."

That's our slogan.

The second one is one of my favorites.

There's a Portuguese woman schlepping up the stairs,

bags of groceries, 5th floor walkup,

she's got about a million kids, no husband,

and just when all is lost,

"Walking up those stairs everyday is such a drag.

"Dealing with these kids could drive me mad,

"but the pad ain't bad."

(chuckles) (clears throat)

- Look at them, ice, nothing.

- I think it works equally well in print.

This is a woman in a funny looking pair of bell bottoms.

"Some things turn out to be a fad, but the pad ain't bad."

The teenage market likes this one.

"Even when you can't stand your dad, the pad ain't bad."

- Pass 'em around, Kenny.

- Bloody good job, mate.

- Rob, you began this meeting by asking

why Cranston Associates is the agency best qualified

to handle your advertising.

I think the answer is simple,

consumers today are sick of these grandiose claims

and self-important bullshit,

they wanna see advertising that's fun,

entertaining and doesn't take itself too seriously.

Now I think the pad ain't bad is one of those ideas.

Now what do you think?

- Tip, would you care to comment on the advertising?

- Well, no offense, but I think it's weak and feminine.

- Weak and feminine.

Ellen?

- To me, the advertising

lacked believability and persuasiveness.

- Rob?

- I feel the advertising that Mr. Parkyn has just presented

is trying to hard to be hep.

- Did you say hip or hep?

- Hep.

- Hep, okay.

Dr. Glenn would you care to comment on the advertising?

- Yeah, I certainly would, uh,

no way does this convey the true brilliance

of my discovery of Vorcan.

- Tom, I'm afraid I must concur with our committee here

that the advertising that you've shown today is

soft, silly, vulgar, frivolous, stupid and insulting.

Otherwise, I rather liked it.

- (clears throat) Gentlemen, (clears throat)

perhaps this concept is more to your liking.

"Even her protection is holy."

Get it, holy here having two meanings.

(group groaning)

- Sit down, Haverford, that's sick.

Robert, what do you think?

- Tom, I think we gotta talk about this in private.

Well now, Tom, the pad ain't bad.

Shouldn't we be saying the pad is good?

- Actually, it's a double negative,

so it's really saying the pad is bad.

- Actually, it's not a double negative,

a double negative is when you--

- Order, order please. (hammer clapping)

Tom, I'm afraid we're gonna have to get back to you.

Dad. (knocking at the door)

- [Haverford] This is a private meeting, Tuttle.

- What is it, Kenny?

(door clatters)

- I know I wasn't exactly invited to this meeting,

but since it was my Mang campaign

that got us into this mess--

- Your Mang ads performed very poorly in the marketplace,

Mr. Tuttle.

- They didn't do squat.

- I realize that, sir, and I'm sorry.

You see, Mang was my first, big assignment,

and I guess I was afraid to take responsibility for it,

so anytime anyone made a suggestion,

no matter how much it screwed up my idea,

I felt I was forced to put it in the advertising,

and that way, if Mang failed,

I figured it wouldn't be my fault.

And you know what happens when everybody

starts putting in their two cents?

- Yeah, you get a piece of shit.

- I couldn't have put it better myself, Mr. Naylor.

- I put 35,000,000 bucks behind that advertise.

- I feel awful about that, sir.

It was my job to write a good ad for Mang

and then it on television

without letting anybody fuck it up along the way,

and I guess I let you down on both counts.

- You should be fired.

- You're right about that, sir, but fortunately I wasn't

'cause it gave me time to come up with an idea

that will sell your new sanitary napkin.

Let me tell you this,

the pad ain't bad strikes the right tone.

Now it's not gonna save all of human kind,

certainly not the men, but it's memorable,

four simple words, the pad ain't bad.

Compare that to anything Barry Hoffman shows you,

I guarantee you, the pad ain't bad

is the one that'll stick in your mind.

In fact, I defy you to forget it.

And uh, Tom, if you wanna fire me--

- Shut up, Kenny.

Look, I know you guys have to see what Hoffman comes up with

before you make a decision.

You know my number.

- We'll get back to you, Tom.

- You're out of here, Tuttle. (laughs)

- [Man] Tom left his gavel.

- That wasn't a bad little speech you gave there, Tuttle.

Just hope it doesn't cost us the business.

- We're only going to present one idea today

because it is the big idea.

- I got a feeling about this one.

- [Naylor] Yeah, it'd better be.

- [Woman] I can't wait to see this.

(video beeps)

(train whistle humming) (gentle, electronic music)

- [Narrator] Once we were prisoners.

We needed air to breath.

To be free.

Then, nothing could keep us down.

We would not be denied.

* Sleep, like a child *

* Resting deep, you don't * know what you give me *

* I keep for these moments alone *

("Sweet Dreams" by Air Supply)

* Close your eyes *

* I want to ride the * skies in my sweet dreams *

* Close your eyes *

* I want to see you tonight * in my sweet dreams *

- Wow. (laughs) - Wow.

- Fabulous.

- Thank you, thank you very, very much.

Any comments?

- It's fantastic.

- It's fabulous.

- Stirring.

- They understand Vorcan.

- I love it.

- I don't get it.

- I hate it.

- Exorable.

- Boring.

- It's contemptible.

- Sucks.

- Very nice, we will get back to you.

Dad. (whispering)

(man coughing)

- Here's one you might like, Ken, back hoe operator.

Pays $18.50 an hour.

- I don't want them to fire me, you know?

I'm just gonna quit.

It's easier that way.

- Oh, (mutters) assistant.

You like cats.

(phone rings)

Ma garret.

Oh yeah, no he's here.

For you.

- Hello.

Yeah, yeah I'm on my way.

All right.

Cranston's private conference room.

- Kenneth.

(quiet, background country music)

- (knocks) You wanted to see me, Tom?

- Oh yeah, come on in, close the door.

(door clatters)

- Listen, Tom, I've decided that advertising's not for me.

I've been thinking about this for a few weeks now,

so I think I'll go back to school or,

I don't know, become a teacher or something.

- Oh really?

Well that's too bad.

I just got a call from Robert Naylor Senior

and he says he can't get the pad ain't bad out of his mind.

- Well you not only kept their business, Kenny,

they're putting $40,000,000 behind the sanitary napkin.

They want the pad ain't bad on the air right away.

- No shit.

- No shit.

- I was gonna give ya a $10,000 raise and uh,

a promotion to creative supervisor,

but I guess now that you're gonna quit.

- Creative supervisor,

does that mean I won't have to let Haverford

maraud all over my ads anymore?

- You never had to let Haverford

maraud all over you ads, laddy.

- Now what do you say, Kenny, will you stay?

- Can I have a few weeks to think about it?

- Yeah, if you have some champagne.

(bottle swishes)

I think what we've all witnessed here today

is the creative magic

that happens when two longtime partners stick it out.

So here's to 20 more great years.

- [Group] Cheers.

- [Ken] Cranston's being a good sport about it.

He's given me 'til the end of the month to make up my mind.

Things are pretty much okay with me and Anita again.

(pair grunting)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Meanwhile, Parkyn says if I stay,

they'll make it a $15,000 raise.

Christ, I'd be making more money than my father.

(upbeat, cheerful music)

* There's more people * working than ever before *

* There's a PhD cook in my grocery store *

* An engineer mopping the floor *

* More jobs you never saw *

* Yeah, welcome to the * world of the working poor *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

("This Administration" by Cindy Lee Berryhill)

* The president played * some movie star game *

* Let's swing good and escapes all blame *

* This looks good, but you explain *

* Overpriced spaceships burst into flame *

* CIA guess what's yelling your name *

* Oh, talking about ya *

* Talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

* Ahhh *

* And he's got the biggest that saves *

* It calls 'em the good old days *

* Bush owes more than he can save *

* Can't be nice and Nancy waves *

* While he places leaves on Nazi graves *

* This administration is so new *

* Pretty much in order to set out to do *

* They promo many and get to The View *

* Don't think they're gonna * change their point of view *

* And they cut off * (lyrics indiscernible) *

* Talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

* Administration *

* Administration *

* Yeah *

* Ha ha *

(mischievous laughing)

(cheerful, twangy music)

(dramatic theme music)