All language subtitles for Suits.1999.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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- We open on the Mohave Desert.

Official YIFY movies site:
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It's hot as hell and
a little Volkswagen

is puttering down the highway.

The guy driving is this sort
of young, Woody Allen type.

And he looks out the window and
he sees this beautiful woman

hitchhiking at the
side of the road,

you know, with the cutoff jeans

and the white t-shirt
and the blond hair.

So he slams on the brakes

and he reaches for
the glove-compartment

where he pulls out a stick
of new Mang deodorant.

You think maybe he's
gonna put some on

before she gets to the car,

but she's already leaning
in through the window,

her breasts glistening
with perspiration.

She looks at him,
he looks at her,

she looks at him and says,
"May I hitch a ride?"

And he says, "Sure, but
put some of this on first,

"new Mang deodorant
from United Standard."

What do you think?

- Weak soup, Tuttle,
you've got to tell people,

"new Mang contains the secret
ingredient, smell no mo'

"to drive nasty, odor
causing perspiration

"back into your glands
where it belongs."

(energetic, rock music)

* From 1996, to 1997, 1998 *

* We're all waiting
for the year 2000 *

* Just the smell of the summer *
can make me fall in love *

- [Announcer] Ultra Marine-Plus

actually puts white
where the dirt was.

(energetic, rock music)

* We go to the parties *
and listen to the DJ's *

* Dance, dance,
dance and go crazy *

* Dance, dance,
dance and go crazy *

(energetic, rock music)

* Just the smell of the summer *
can make me fall in love-- *

- [Director] People, people,
can we please settle down?

We need to be calm, let's get
some quiet, please people.

All right, quiet down, let's go.

All right, in five, let's
see, settle everyone,

I said settle, quiet on the set.

Okay, settle everyone.

- Darlene, the client wants
to know if we can't pump

a little more enthusiasm
into our reading?

- Pump what?

- Let's just try and pretend

we don't actually
hate the product,

okay sweetheart?

- Did Giver taste this shit?

(people laugh)
- Actors always kid like that.

- [Director] Roll sound.

- [Man] She loves the
product, she signed the note.

(clapperboard clicks)

- [Director] And action.

- For that big taco
taste, it's Taco Joe.

- Girl sure loves her Mexican.

- Mm, it's delicious.

- I don't recall saying, "Cut."

- Listen, I can't work with
those baboons leering at me.

Either they go or
I'm outta here.

- [Man] Gubbing, get
those guys outta here.

- What?

(upbeat, percussion music)

- My name is Ken Tuttle.

Last year, at this time, I
was studying American lit.

and wondering what I
could do to earn a living.

What was I gonna be,
a financial planner?

"Yes, I like the emerging
growth funds, Mrs. Rebinowitz,"

but my aunt says,
"You're creative,

"why don't you go
into advertising?"

So here I am, in New York
City, earning 28 grand a year,

and in a way, I'm even
writing literature.

Unlike old fashioned
antiperspirants,

Mang Spray contains the secret
ingredient Smell No Mo',

the amazing new
chemical that literally

seals off pours driving nasty
odor causing perspiration

back into your glands
where it belongs,

because you suck, you
suck dickhead, you suck!

Back in college, you thought
you'd be the next Ezra--

- Hey.
- Now you're

pounding out this
deodorant ad shit.

Besides, I like my
women on the gamey side.

- Well, how's that
copy coming, Kenneth?

(clears throat) How's
the copy coming?

- I told you, I'll call
you when I have it.

- That was over a
half an hour ago.

- What do you think, man,
I shit this stuff out?

- Well, maybe I can help.

I did a little writing
myself, back at Vassar

and some of it wasn't half bad.

- [Ken] You know, I
find writers so sexy.

- (chuckles) Again I,

wasn't a writer, I mean,
the stuff I was writing

was nothing to write home about.

(romantic, nostalgic music)

Kenneth, I need that
copy right away.

- (chuckles) Who
the hell was that?

- Rodney De Mole, new
account exec. on Mang Spray.

- I thought Cunningham
was on spray.

- Uh he is, Cunningham's
on old Mang Spray,

De Mole's on new Mang Spray.

- I thought Gideon
was on new Mang Spray.

- Gideon's on roll-on.

- I thought Horowitz
was on roll-on.

- He is, unscented roll-on.

- Oh, what's Osborne on?

- They ran Osborne's
ass outta here.

Can we go?

- What about the ad?

- Fuck 'em, let 'em wait.

(twangy, playful music)

(door clatters)
(picture clatters)

(phone ringing)
(twangy, playful music)

- (sighs) Hello?

- [Katie] Tom, I've got Robert
Naylor Senior on the phone.

- Katie, I've got
some clients out here.

I told you I don't
wanna be disturbed.

- [Katie] He really
sounds pissed off.

- About what?

- [Katie] He wouldn't say,

but I really think you
ought to speak to him.

- All right, put him on.

Hi Robert!

How are ya?

- Lousy, Cranston, your ad's
aren't doing shit for me.

- Well you know, Robert,
a number of our clients

have experienced a little
retrenchment, you know,

over the economy and all--

- I don't care if all
your other clients

go freaking bankrupt!

We've got $35,000,000
invested in Mang deodorant ads

and I haven't seen squat yet.

- Maybe the product
isn't up to snuff.

- We tested Mang under
the arms of gorillas,

for Christ's sakes,
kept them from stinking.

- Powerful stuff.

- Listen, Cranston, I oughta
give you guys one last chance.

Seems our R and D guys have
come up with some miracle fabric

that allows a woman's
whose-a-what's-it to breath.

- All right, I hear ya.

I understand, we won't
let you down, Robert.

- You let me down, Cranston,

you ain't gonna see
any more of my money.

You understand that?

Sell something!
(phone clatters)

- Haverford, I want you in
my office at 8:00 sharp,

tomorrow morning.

The entire United Standard
account is up for grabs.

(upbeat, dance music)
(people chattering)

* Sexy postcard *

* Sexy *

(upbeat, dance music)
(people chattering)

- Why don't we get to
work on spots like this?

- 'Cause we get to
work on Taco Joe.

(pattering footsteps)

(Rodney knocking)

- Ken.

(knocking) Kenneth.

Kenneth Tuttle,
are you in there?

(pattering footsteps)
(elevator rings)

Well, of all the.

(door clatters)

(Rodney sighs)

(cart clatters)

(upbeat, dance music)

- Kenny San, what's happening?

- Hey Johnny San, how you doing?

- Great.

That's my spot.

- It's not bad.

This is Anita, Anita, this
is my good pal here, Johnny--

- Johnny Akita.

I saw your picture on Ad Week.

Great spot.

- I understand you guys
are in a little trouble

with United Standard.

- No way man, they love our ads.

- That's not what I heard.

Supposedly their
president called ours,

said he's not too happy

with some of the deodorant
work you guys are doing.

- That's bullshit,
man, that's my account.

- Take it easy.

(upbeat, dance music)
(people chattering)

- How would he know?

(TV chattering)
(Ken sighs)

Never happened to me before.

- It's okay.

- If there was one thing
I could always count on,

it was getting a boner.

- It's not the most
important thing in the world.

- No, it's not.

(gentle, quiet music)

What else could I
do, write poetry?

You know how many poems
you'd have to sell,

to earn 28 grand a year?

I don't wanna be
another white kid,

making quarters in
the East Village.

Besides, lovesick 14 year olds

write better poetry than I do.

- [Announcer] This is a man
who smokes Marlboro cigarettes.

What kind of a man is he?

- [Man] I'm a guy who
likes to work on my car.

I like to take it apart
and put it back together.

I get to working on it
and forget where I am,

what time it is, I
even forget to eat.

You don't forget
to smoke, though.

I always smoke when I work.

They go together.

- [Announcer] Would
you recommend Marlboro
to your friends?

- [Man] I already have.

- [Announcer] New
Marlboro, filter,

flavor, flip-top box.

- [Man] Where the fuck are you?!

- What in God's
name is that noise?

- Uh, nothing.

Just looking for
my tan Gabardine.

- Mm, it's not back
from the cleaners yet.

- What?

I thought I told you
to put a rush on it.

Oh well this is
lovely, just lovely,

I have a big meeting with
Cranston this morning

and I was counting on Gabardine.

I always feel so
secure in that suit.

- Well you could wear your
Forest Dream twill, darling,

you know you always
look so nice in that.

- Oh bullshit I do,

I look like a Jewish optometrist
at a fundraising dinner.

- Well you know how
I like Jewish men.

- I have a meeting!

(cheery, pop music)
* Do do, do, do do *

* Do do do, do
do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do
do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do
do, do do, do do *

* Do do do, do do,
and I know it's said *

(music continuing quietly)
(clock clattering)

- What are you up so early for?

- The ad do-over is at 8:00.

Taco Joe wants his
file meeting Monday.

- Jesus, guy's nuts.

- You should really be there,
Kenny, it's your commercial.

- [Ken] Yeah.

- Try and get in there
before 10:00 for God's sake.

(kisses cheek) Love you.

- Love you too.

(door rattles)

(distant dogs barking)

- You look lovely, darling.

Dignified.

* I've got nothing for you *

* But the chance
to not adore you *

* And you'll never
want to ask me why *

* You've got nothing
for me, uh huh *

* But a chance to
thrill, then bore me *

* And I wonder what
it's like to die *

* Just like Che Guevara, *
I'm a forest ranger *

* But just like Phillis *
Diller, I'm a forest ranger *

* Ah *

* Ah *

(gentle, romantic music)

- Oh yeah, you love my light?

- [Tom] Nobody lights
like you, Anna.

You're so fabulous.

- Tom, I know with this
United Standard mess going on,

this might not be the
perfect time to ask,

but this hip, little
hotel in London

wants me to come over and
photograph their place

for a new ad campaign.

- Mm, London in June,
tough assignment.

- What good is it gonna do me,

rattling around the Royal
Suite, all by myself?

Think about it.

- I'll have to get
back to you on that.

Bye.
(phone beeps)

- Top of the
morning to you, T.C.

- Yeah, top of my wing-wang
to you, too, Haverford.

Where's Parkyn?

- Tardy, as usual, Sir.

- [Sally] George, hurry
up, you'll be late again.

- Don't ya love me?

- [Sally] George?

Jesus, you haven't
even got in yet.

(George mutters)

- Sweetie, you can't go
to the office like that.

You stink to high
Heavens of sex and wine.

- And garlic.

- And garlic.

(George grunts)

- [George] I thought
you like my funk.

- I do like it.

- Well--
- But no one else will.

Now get in there.

(George grumbles)

- Oh Christ, you Americans
and your bloody showers.

Look at that,
horrible, horrible.

(upbeat, cheery music)
(traffic humming)

- How you doing, Roy?

- All right.

- Damn, I bought
this one yesterday.

Thanks, man.

- You're okay.

- Morning.

- [Vladimir] Here
you go, poppy seed,

chocolate donut,
coffee, two sugars.

(bag rustles)

- How do you remember, Vladimir?

You're incredible, thanks.

(pattering footsteps)
(upbeat, cheery music)

- [Woman] Hold the 'vator,
hold the 'vator, please.

(woman chattering)
Hold it, hold it, hold it.

(doors clatter)
(bell rings)

Thank you.

- Goddamn elevators.

(person coughs)
- Hold it!

(bell rings)

(upbeat, cheery music)

(door clattering)
- Going up!

(bell rings)
Going up?

- Goddamn idiots!

I've got a strategy review
board in 10 minutes!

- [Man] You think
we're idiots, idiots?

(doors clatter)

(people chattering)

(Mitch snaps fingers)
(radio chattering)

- Hey Mitch, what
you working on?

- Oh--
- What you writing?

- Eh, ad for that new
kiwi flavored cigarette.

- Oh now, you know,

what the hell are you
working on the cigarette for?

Cranston said anyone who
objected didn't have to.

- Yeah, I know, and since
everybody else refused,

I figured it'd be
good for my career.

- What if you convince

some little 10 year
old girl to smoke?

She gets tumors in her lungs

and the doctor says she'll
never play the violin again.

- Ken, will you cut
the moral. (sighs)

You're smoking.

- Yeah, but I don't condone it.

- All I know is Cranston
asked me to do it,

so I am doing it.

- All I'm saying is,
you could have refused.

- Right, that'd be really
good for my career.

- You're making me look bad.

(radio chattering)

(spray hisses)

(rhythmic, sassy music)

When you weren't
here last night,

I realized you were
too upset to write copy

so went down and
asked Mr. Parkyn

to help you revise
your ad, see attached.

Client loves it,
isn't that great?

Rodney De Mole.

Great, my ass, you're
fucking-- (voice fades)

(thumping wall)
(cheery, sassy music)

Fucking full of shit!

You suck, you suck!

- [Doug] (laughs) Something's
wrong with the advertisement?

(cheery, sassy music)

- Morning, gents.
- Hi.

- Christ Parkyn, can't
you get anywhere on time?

- Having a little trouble

getting the old motor
running this morning.

(Parkyn sighs)

- Let me tell you why
I called this meeting.

We're in big trouble
with United Standard.

The $35,000,000 they
spent on new Mang

hasn't done shit
on the marketplace.

- I told you Tuttle's
ads were no good, Parkyn,

I told him T.C., but he
just wouldn't listen.

- [Parkyn] You what?

You said they were the best
bloody ads you'd ever seen.

- Now wait just a minute,
are you calling me a liar?

Because if you're impugning--
- Haverford.

Shut up.

Now look, (clears
throat) all is not lost.

This is a new pad,

developed by the United
Standard R and D people,

supposedly it's made from
some amazing, new fabric,

with thousands of
tiny air holes,

let's a woman's
who's-y-what's-it breath.

- Didn't know they
had lungs down there.

- Hey, I can see
the headline now,

"80% more ventilation than
the next leading brand."

- That is exactly
what I do not want.

In reality, this may be a
very, very functional product,

but a woman still
likes to see herself

portrayed as attractive and sexy

even if it is her
time of the month.

- What time is that, T.C.?

- [Parkyn] Christ.

- You know, Haverford,

sometimes I think you are
a profoundly, stupid man.

(Parkyn laughs)

Anyway, I'll be abroad
for the next five days,

reviewing some European
advertising techniques.

When I come back,

I wanna see a fully
fleshed out ad campaign

and a first-rate
marketing report.

- Can do, sir.

- Better can do.

They've asked
Hoffman and Partners

to take a stab at
this thing as well.

- Holy shit, they're the
hottest shop in town.

- There's only one other
agency in competition,

(sighs) the incumbent Thomas
J. Cranston and Associates.

- Are they still in business?

- (chuckles) That's very funny.

We need a campaign for this.

- How lovely.

What's it do?

- Apparently it's made out
of some miraculous fiber

that remains fully absorbent

even though it has
1,000 tiny holes in it,

to let in air, I suppose.

- Barry, I thought
we weren't going to

pitch this kind of
business, no Tidy Flush,

no Carver's Little Liver Pills,

no things that go
between people's legs.

- This is over $100,000,000
worth of biddings, Regina.

One can hardly turn
the other cheek.

- I agree with Regina,

why on Earth are we
going after products

we wouldn't even
allow in our own home?

- Listen everybody, calm down.

I've already got the campaign

so why don't we just take
their money and get on with it?

This thing

has thousands of tiny
air holes, right?

We simply buy some song
by Air Supply, get it?

Air Supply?

And we get Chase Carlton
to shoot some fabulous

black and white footage to it.

You know, great looking
chicks running around

in white tennis shorts
and slacks and dresses,

being active as hell.

And then at the end,

some chick announcer with
one of those wonderful,

lesbian, alcohol and cigarette
voices says, real deadpan,

"The new Fazza
Fazza Period Thing,

"your own personal Air Supply."

(slow clapping)

- It's perfect, you've
done it again, Johnny San.

- Not sharp enough, Miss Volney.

- But I've worked on
each one individually

for over five minutes,
Mr. Haverford.

- Why do you think we pay
you $85 a week, Miss Volney,

to pat you on the head

because you've done
a shit eating job?

(pencils crackle)
(Miss Volney gasps)

I want these pencils sharp!

Do you understand?

(Miss Volney sobbing)

Sit down, sit down, men.

And you too, dear lady.

- What's on the agenda, boss?

- I'll tell you what's
on the agenda, Covington,

this.

- What is it?

- This new sand-nap
here contains thousands

of tiny air holes
to let a woman's
who's-y-what's-it breath.

- Oh hey, sexy.

Little something for
the missus, boss?

- Of course not, Betsy would
never wear anything so,

so--
- So grotesquely sluttish,

sir?

- Exactly,

so grotesquely sluttish,

but,

well, for a modern, young
woman, like Heidi here,

who might be out
dancing all night

at some steamy discotheque,

I suspect this front panel here

would be rather cooling.

Am I right?

- (chuckles) Yes.

- Anyway,

United Standard has
us in a pitched battle

with Hoffman and Partners
for all their business.

I've just met with Cranston,

he wants us to put together
a topnotch marketing report.

- Can do, sir.

- What about creative, sir?

Hoffman and Partners is the
hottest shop in town. (chuckles)

- Well frankly, Heidi,

creative is the one thing
that has me worried,

damn worried.

- But why, sir?

That Parkyn is a genius.

- Genius, ha,

the man's as unreliable
as a Mexican gardener.

- Are Mexicans
unreliable, Mr. Haverford?

- Are the Serbians
brutal and sadistic?

Do the Greeks like
it up the ass?

Do the French neglect
to bath their crotches?

- Well who can we
trust down there, boss?

Those creatives are just a
bunch of creeps and weirdos.

- De Mole, close the door.

I'll tell you who we can trust.

(quiet, playful music)

- [Billie] Hey Mitch.

- Hi, Billie, hi.

- [Billie] Did you uh, misplace
your eye glasses again?

- I was, wanted to
borrow a pencil,

but my phone.
- Ah.

(Billie laughs)

- Mitchel, you
forgot your pencil.

(phone ringing)

(phone clatters)

- Mitchel Mitnick here.

Oh hi Mr. Haverford.

Lunch?

Why I'd be delighted.

(people chattering)

- Mitnick.

Over here.

Mitchel Mitnick, our
resident creative genius.

Waiter!

This young man wants a drink.

- Uh, let's see, I'll have uh--

- Go ahead and
have a uh Chianti,

or whatever far out stuff

you creatives are
drinking these days.

- No no no, martini
will be fine, just fine.

(upbeat, carefree music)

- Oh, why can't we
spend our lunches

on roller blades, George?

- Because we are prisoners,
mate, prisoners of the ad game.

Too bloody scared to
let our guard down.

And with good reason, the
great Satan, Barry Hoffman,

is about to steal our
United Standard business.

- I heard that.

- I need a home
run from you, kid.

- George, I can't get
my bat on the ball.

I'm a hack.

- You're a hack?

You're the laziest, bloody
bastard I ever came across,

but you're not a hack.

You've got wit.

- I don't know
what to do, George,

last night, I couldn't
even get a hard-on.

- Well get over it,

Cranston needs a full
blown presentation

before he gets back from Europe

and I've gotta spend
the next three days

in bloody Akron, Ohio

with the United Standard
laxative division.

- [Ken] They make laxatives?

- Laddie, they'd
make fucking Hemlock

if there was a nettle in it.

- So how do we get started on
this sanitary napkin thing?

- Well Kenny, this is why
I'm wining and dining you,

in this opulent fashion.

I need you to captain
this while I'm away.

- George, I'm a hack, all right?

Why don't you just fire me,
take me out of my misery?

- Listen mate,

there isn't a creative
person in this town

who doesn't think
they're a hack,

not if they're any good, anyway.

God knows why, but
I have faith in you.

(trash rustles)
(upbeat, sassy music)

- What do you say?

Hm?

- I'll do it.

I'll give you guys the
best damn sand nap campaign

Matt Ab has ever seen.

(group laughing)
- Yay!

- To Mitnick, our next
creative director.

(glasses clink)
- Here here. (chuckles)

- Oh and uh, Mitchel,

start wearing a suit
to the office, will ya?

Looks so much more
business-like.

- You bet, sir.

- [Humphrey] Advertising,
advertising, advertising.

(grunting)
Advertising. (grunting)

(stuttering)
Advertising. (gasping)

Advertising.

(door clatters)
(upbeat music)

Advertising.

* In your heart *
Advertising.

- Who the hell was that?

- Ya like her, huh?

Sweet little thing.

- Little?

- Yeah, she's a
full-figure little lady.

Fella can really lose
himself in a woman like that.

- Brought a little
something for ya.

- Oh hello there little fella.

Call those account folks
down now, tell 'em we got

those new Mang Spray
commercials ready for 'em.

- (sighs) I haven't
written a thing yet.

- Shit me.

What has that got
to do with anything?

Here's an old car battery
spot everybody hated.

- Ha, those Mang Spray ads
are ready, I'll eat my hat.

That Tuttle is the laziest
bastard in the agency.

- (chuckles) Don't you know it.

- Turn the music off, Rodney.

(clears throat)

- Well well, hard-on
Covington and Company.

- Ha ha, very funny, Tuttle.

That's Harson and you know it.

- Heidi tells us the Mang
Spray tags are ready.

- Absolutely.

(Ken clears throat)

Okay, I really think
you're gonna like this.

Do you wanna get off.

(Humphrey gasping)

- Christ, can we even get
through one 10 second spot?

- Calm down, dude,
the guy's got a cold.

- Okay, okay, just
read the commercial.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

- Wanna get off to a sure,
fresh start every morning?

Make certain you've got a
Mach 7 no-die car battery

under your hood.

What do you think?

- Heidi?

- Well it's um,
straight forward and um,

positive, I like it. (chuckles)

- Rodney?

- Well, it's simple,
hard-hitting and to the point.

I agree with Heidi,
it's gang busters.

- Oh. (chuckles)

- What do you think, Chief?

- I'll tell you what I think,

that's not a Mang Spray
commercial, Tuttle,

it's a fucking car
battery commercial!

(Humphrey sneezes)

(group gasps)

- Oh, oh God Humphrey, not
on the man's brand new suit!

- Oh my, oh my God! (gagging)

(men muttering)

- Sorry about that,
man, I'm really sorry.

- Thousand dollar suit,
you just destroyed.

- 2,000.
- 2,000!

(Covington gasps)
- Covington,

I can't believe you, here a
colleague's just sneezed up

half his adenoids, maybe
a piece of his brain,

and you're worried
about a goddamn suit?

I mean, where are
your priorities, man?

- Tell you where my
priorities are, Tuttle,

to get you and
Humphrey and Parkyn

and all the rest
of, Jesus Christ!

Come on, Rodney, let's
get you to the nurse.

- (smacking) Dang
summer colds. (sniffing)

- [Ken] Man, what can you
say about a sanitary napkin?

Makes having your
period a blast?

Just glad I'm not a girl.

If I had a period, I'd,

if I had a period, Anita, Anita,

what do you think of this?

Glad to be a girl.

Right, you love it.

- Honestly, I hate the
way these paper napkins

keep sliding off your lap.

- Madame?

- Gracious, now
I'm seeing things.

- Oh no, I'm
Manners, the Butler,

and I wish you'd try
Kleenex table napkins.

They won't slide off your lap.

- Really?

Why it's true, why
they cling like cloth.

- They cling like cloth.

Thank you.

(alarm beeping)

(button clicks)

- George.

George, wake up, your plane.

George, are you up?

Are you up, George?

- Sorry, love.

Give me thumbs a
squeeze, will you?

- [Sally] What?

- Me thumbs, give 'em
a good, hard squeeze.

Blimey, I don't feel a thing.

They're numb,
absolutely, bloody numb.

I've got numb thumbs,
Sally, numb fucking thumbs.

- Oh come on, George,

you can't let a little
thing like that stop you.

(engine humming)
(horn honks)

Oh damn, they're here already.

- Not a tingle.

I can't go to Akron, I've
gotta go to a thumb doctor.

- You'll be the laughing
stock at the agency.

(horn honking)
(dog barking)

It's fucking Haverford,
what should I tell him?

- Tell him the truth, tell
him I've got numb thumbs.

- George isn't coming, he's ill.

- That's too bad.

United Standard's really
expecting him to be out there.

- He's just too sick,
Peter, I'm sorry.

- What seems to be the problem?

- It's very serious.

He's got numb thumbs.

- Numb what?

- Numb thumbs.

- Oh.

(engine rumbling)
(wheels screeching)

- Christ, I'm not
even 50 years old.

- This time that limey
bastard's gone too far.

- Jesus, sir, what
are we gonna do?

They'll fry our asses
without Parkyn out there.

- You know, Harson,

this may be just the break
we've been waiting for.

- Come along now.

Don't be bashful, you might
find this damn interesting.

This, ladies and
gentlemen, is Arnold.

Ethnic looking chap,
isn't he? (chuckles)

Yet, his taste buds
are closer to our own

than any other species,

which is precisely why we
here, at United Standard,

use the humble
catfish to taste test

every one of our foods.

Like this revolutionary,
new, synthetic sundae,

not even the nuts
are real. (chuckles)

Let's see if Arnold
doesn't prefer it

more than the real thing.

(water burbles)
(container rattles)

Ha, probably not very
hungry right now.

Had a late lunch.

On to our Vorcan briefing.

Now this, ladies and
gentlemen, (paper rustles)

this,

is the most revolutionary,
new development

in menstrual leisure wear since,

since uh,

well, what makes it so
unique is this, Vorcan.

It's a miracle fiber,
containing thousands

and thousands of
tiny, little air holes

that allows a woman's
who's-y-what's-it to breath.

Now, what I wanna talk about now

is far, far more important
than mere statistics.

What I need from each
and every one of you

is to make a total,
undying commitment

to the coming Vorcan revolution,

just as I have.

- Oh nice.
- Oh.

- Wow.

- Well, good luck and may the
best agency win. (chuckles)

All right, Arnold,
goddammit, let's eat.

Eat, you ugly bastard, eat.

Eat, eat.

(plane whooshing)

- What the hell (voice cuts out)

was that around your mouth,
De Mole, Christ, it's a sight.

- (chuckles) I know it is, sir,

I've been to about a
million dermatologists,

they all say it's some sort
of nonspecific irritation.

- United Standard
makes a lip balm.

Have you tried that?

- Oh, it made it worse, sir.

- Well there must be
something you can do.

United Standard's
our biggest client.

- Well, perhaps if
I used a little of,

Heidi's, how do
you call it, blush,

I could possibly cover it up.

- Hey, that's a great idea,
and I can help you put it on.

- Oh no, that's all right,

I think I can probably
figure this out myself.

- [Radio Reporter] A
Newport, Tennessee man

decided to get
even with his wife

because he thought she
was having an affair.

He allegedly super glued--

- Gentlemen, Rodney here is
going to show you a campaign

for Gotta Go
Laxative that I think

will knock your socks off.

- Wait a damn second,
where's Parkyn?

- Oh uh,

he couldn't make it.

- Haverford, didn't
we specifically say

we want Parkyn at every meeting?

- Well the truth is Parkyn

wasn't feeling very
well this morning.

His wife said that he was
too sick to get on the plane.

- Um, it wasn't
anything serious?

- She said he had um,

uh, (clears throat)

numb thumbs.

- Numb thumbs.

- Did you say numb thumbs?

- It's the truth, sir. It
may be hard to believe,

but these creatives are
a temperamental lot.

- I hear numb thumbs
can be fairly serious.

- It's all bullshit.

You tell your boss, Cranston,

I want creatives
out here in Akron

and I don't care if they're
wing wangs have gone numb.

- Are you saying that you
want Parkyn off the account?

Fired?

Out of the agency?

- Well, we're not gonna tell
you how to run your business.

Even with numb thumbs, Parkyn
is one hell of a creative.

- Would you like me to see
if I can get him out here

for the rest of our meetings?

- Damn right, get him out here.

- Rodney, you present those ads.

I'm going to go call George.

- Okay sweetheart, let's
see what you've got.

- Okay, uh,

feeling constipated?

(carefree, cheery music)

- I can't believe how
much better I feel.

(carefree, cheery music)

(phone clatters)

- That bastard's playing hooky.

- Okay, now for those that are
feeling really constipated,

we introduced extra
strength Gotta Go.

- Refuses?

- Outright refuses
to get on the plane.

I have never seen
such insubordination.

- Get rid of him.

- (sighs) I guess we
have no other choice.

Uh, local call. (chuckles)

(distant people chattering)

(phone ringing)
(sleepy grumbling)

- [Anna] Hello?

- Oh, hi Mrs. Cranston, I didn't
know T.C. brought you over.

- Who is it?
- Oh God.

- Hello?

- Hi T.C., I didn't know you
brought the missus with you.

- Haverford, do you have any
idea what time it is here?

- I'm sorry, T.C., but
this is an emergency.

Today, George Parkyn was guilty

of the grossest kind
of insubordination.

I've just come from
the presentation room
at United Standard

and they were outraged
that he didn't show up.

I went by his apartment
this morning in a limousine

and his wife yelled
out the window

that he had numb thumbs
or something of the kind.

Anyway, I have been
personally instructed to,

quote, "Get him out of
the agency," end of quote.

- (sighs) Parkyn's been
with me for 20 years.

- They want him out, sir, now.

United Standard is demanding it.

If we lose United Standard,
I'll be okay, sir,

I'll manage with
way fewer dollars,

but what about little Jimmy
Burns in the mail room?

- (whispers) Pip.

- And what about Pip, the
semi-retarded messenger boy?

- Pip?

Uh well,

uh,

break it to him
gently, for god sake.

(Anna groaning)

- He's outta here!
(group celebrating)

(inspirational music)
(groups celebrating)

- I think it's great.

Glad to be a girl,
glad to wear curls,

I mean, there's something
very 40s about it.

- Yeah, we get Joey to
write a Cole Porter number.

- I love that.

Cafe Carlisle,
stockings with seams,

Bobby Shore,
tickling the ivories.

* Glad to be Bacall,
glad to have it all *

* Glad to have
that sweet thing *

* Makes a fella sing *

Oh, you know what
I love about you?

The complexity of your mind.

- Oh, you like that, huh?

- Oh, it's so sophisticated.

- Who says, "Girl,"
anymore anyway?

- You know, Anita's right,

see that person at the
bar in the red dress?

- Technically, I'm married.

- Nowadays, we call
somebody like that a fella.

- [Anita] I think
it really sucks.

- Why?

- I think it's
stupid and sexist.

- I like glad to be a girl.

- Well I don't.
- What about

wonderful to be a woman?

Okay, what about babe
you're beautiful?

- I must say, this has been
a really lovely day, dear.

- Blissful.

We should steal a
Thursday more often.

- It's Wednesday, George.

- Oh, Wednesday then.

(fax machine rings)

- Who the hell would be
faxing us something now?

- Could you get it, love?

Those things scare
the bejesus out of me.

(cheery, sassy music)

(machine humming)

- [Sally] It's from Haverford.

- Oh Christ, what does he want?

- Oh God.

Has demanded your resignation,
effective immediately?

Sorry about this, but you have
no one to blame but yourself.

(paper rustling)

Bullshit.

Wait 'til Cranston
hears about this.

- You fired Parkyn?

You're out of your mind.

- He was insubordinate, Anna.

You can't have that
in this business.

- He was the most talented
guy you had around the place.

- He refused to go out
to United Standard.

At a time when we're

holding on to that account
by our fingernails,

he put my company
in great jeopardy.

- And that idiot,
Haverford, is going to uh,

save the day?

- [Woman] Why are
you bothering me now?

- I've been very, very bad.

- [Woman] You naughty boy.

- Yes, I need to be punished.

- [Woman] I'm going
to spank your tush.

- What is it, Tuttle?

- Oh, I thought you
guys were in Akron.

Uh, George come back with ya?

- Frankly, I don't know where
Parkyn is at the moment.

- Oh, just wanted to
show him the new idea

for the sanitary napkin.

- Well let's see what you got.

I'll get back to you on that.

(phone clatters)

- George said he has to
see everything first.

- Tuttle, the
presentation's in four days.

Let's not stand on
ceremony, for Christ's sake.

- Well our theme line
is, glad to be a girl,

and it's kind of a retro thing,

you know, 40s elegance,
Manhattan at night,

glad to wear pearls,

glad to be a girl.

Right?

Glad to wear curls,

glad to be a girl.

- Glad to be a girl?

What the fuck does that mean?

- It makes having your
period such a breeze

that you can enjoy
being a woman.

- Tuttle, Vorcan provides
80% more ventilation

than the next, leading brand.

Why can't we just come
out and say it for once?

- Well I like this idea.

- (grumbles) Miss Volney,
get Mitnick on the phone.

- Mitnick?

(quiet, sassy music)
(people chattering)

- [Woman] My sister's going
out with a periodontist.

- [Man] A what?

- [Woman] You know,
one of those doctors

that operates on your ass.

- [Man] No, that's a pediatrist.

- Oh, it's Ken
Tuttle, hi Ken Tuttle.

- What's this all about?

- Beats the shit outta me.

- I thought they
were all in Akron.

- Well supposedly they flew back

for an emergency announcement.

- Uh oh.
- Mmhmm.

- Well now that we're
all here, we can begin.

As you all probably know,

our chairman T.J.
Cranston, is in Europe,

on a secret mission for
the advertising industry.

- Yeah, like how can I get laid
without my wife finding out?

- So, in his absence,

he's asked me to relay
some pretty exciting news.

(group responding)
(people chuckling)

We've got a new
creative director.

He's bright, he's talented,
and most important of all,

he listens.

Let's me tell you about

some of the great
campaigns he's done.

Carter's Little Liver Pills,

Toilet Duck--

- That's Mitchel.

- Hair Club for Men--
- Oh yeah,

what the fuck did
you do with Parkyn?

- [Group] Yeah.

- [Man] Yeah, what
was wrong with Parkyn?

- I'm glad you asked that, Doug.

See, last night, George,

unexpectedly announced
his retirement

to work on a novel
that's been peculating

in that mad, crazy
brain of his for years.

- (claps hands) Hey,
Georgie's writing a novel.

- I tried to talk him out of it,

Christ, how I tried, but
he just wouldn't listen.

So, I'm pleased to
announce our new C.D.,

ladies and gentlemen, I
give you Mitchel Mitnick.

(group applauding)
(people chattering)

- Thank you.

Thank you.

I just wanna say that uh,

uh,

this is the most,

this is the most,

challenging and the most
moving day of my life.

- I say we strike.

They had no right railroading
Parkyn outta here like that.

- Damn right, no
more advertising.

- Kenny, we can't strike
because we'll get fired.

I'm not about to lose my job.

- But what, if we
don't do something
soon, it'll be reality,

just like a million
other bad things

that have happened around here.

- Tuttle, just had an idea.

- Yes sir.

- Instead of all this mushy,
creative stuff on Mang Spray,

why not just try
being direct for once?

- Hm, such as?

- Oh, I don't know,

you've tried the rest, now
try the best, new Mang Spray.

You're the writer,
play with it a little.

- Oh he'll play with it.

- Jesus.

- Did those guys actually think

we're gonna write
their shit for them?

- Wait a second, I know
how to get Parkyn back.

What if instead of
resisting all the time,

we just give those dorks

exactly what they're
always asking for?

- Oh Anita, I love it.

It's elegant, it's Gandhi-esque.

- It's too subtle,
it'll never work.

- (clears throat) Excuse me.

May I have your attention?

I thought some of you
might be interested

in the focus group session
about to take place on 17.

- [Ken] What's it on, Heidi?

- Oh Cynthia
Worthim, in research,

is interviewing teenage
girls about their

sanitary napkin
preferences and--

- Are you saying that teenage
girls are sitting around

chatting about what's going
on between their legs?

- (chuckles) Not exactly.

- Excuse me.
- Whoa!

(men excitedly yelling)

- I switched to a
tampon last year,

when I lost my virginity--

- Hi.

- I'll be 14 in March.

I'm a Pisces.

(men excitedly yelling)

- Shh, be quiet, be quiet.

- Thank you, Amber.

Now Angelica, what do you think

of the new ventilated
Vorcan pad?

- Well I like it, I mean,

I would wear it even when
I'm not having my period.

- [Interviewer] Even when
you're not having your period?

- [Angelica] Mmhmm.

- [Interviewer]
Interesting, why is that?

- Careful, Tuttle,

they can see the flame
through the mirror.

- Why Hard-on Covington,

I see you're interested
in peer research too.

- Well sometimes when I'm out
on a date, with my boyfriend,

you know, um, we get
into it a little--

(group chattering)
- Stop pushing.

- And there's a
wetness down there,

and so, I guess all
that ventilation

would kind of help with
the evaporation and all.

- Stop pushing!

- Help with the evaporation.
- Interesting.

(man grunts)
(glass crashes)

(people reacting)
(upbeat music)

- [Man] Nothing to worry
about, just fixing the mirror.

- [Girl] He is hot.

* Close your eyes *

* I want to ride the *
skies in my sweet dream *

- Great work, Johnny San.

* Close your eyes *

* I want to see you *
tonight in my sweet dream *

- We got a problem here.

- What's that, P.H.?

- Cranston's due
back next Monday.

Rumor has it
Hoffman and Partners

has a hot, new campaign
and we don't have shit.

Pardon my French, Miss Wilson.

And stop calling
me P.H., you idiot,

you make me sound like
a fuckin' pimple cream.

- Sorry about that, P.H., sir.

- We'll have the advertising
soon, Mr. Haverford.

I promise.

- Not if your reception
by the creatives

is any kind of omen.

Covington, De Mole,
little Heidi Wilson.

- [Group] Sir.

- Get down to 15 and
shake some advertising

out of those slobs.

And Mitnick, get me that
80% more ventilation ad.

- Yes sir.

- Advertising.

Oh advertising.

- Doug, would you
shut the fuck up?

- Advertising.

- How's this, never has
a panty been so scanty--

- Too clever, I like the
one De Mole suggested,

amazing new underwear
product from United Standard.

Perfect.

- What if Cranston
thinks we're serious?

Even worse, what if he likes it?

- He won't like it.

Cranston may be a bastard,

but he sure knows
his advertising.

- Okay, TV spot.

Ladies, here's a
great, new product

from a fine, old
company, United Standard.

For over 40 years,

America's largest purveyor
of consumer products

with plants in every
single state of the union,

including Guam and
equatorial Africa--

- [Woman] Do they
really do that?

- [Anita] Yep,

(upbeat music)
yep, they did.

- Howdy.

You folks must be here
for the advertising.

- Guys, bad news,
Haverford's having a hissy.

He want's a complete
sand nap effort

by tomorrow morning here.

- Oh hey, that's no
problem, we're done already.

- Yeah, only, you know,

I think we did a
little bit too much.

I hope that's not a problem.

- With plants in every single,
(Heidi muttering)

will you keep it down, Heidi?

I can't concentrate.

- These are pretty
good, pretty damn good.

- You really think so?

- Guys, I think these
commercials are fantabulous,

I mean, just fantabulous.

- Why thank you, Co.

- Really first rate.

- Just capturing on paper

what you guys have
been saying all along.

- You really hit the
nail on the head.

There's only one thing, uh,
and I hate to even bring it up.

- Don't be silly, Mitch,
what's on your mind?

- Could we try just one more ad,

something I thought up, uh,
in the shower this morning.

- There's a gruesome visual.

- Goes like this, now
from United Standard,

80% more ventilation than
the next leading brand.

- Now that's great advertising.

- Great. (clapping hands)

(group applauding)

- Explain this to me once again?

- Every time the suits
make a suggestion,

no matter how dull,
no matter how corny,

we turn it into an ad.

(gentle, background music)
(people chattering)

- What the fuck's
that supposed to do?

- By the time Cranston
gets back from Europe,

the advertising will be so bad,

they'll be begging
you to come back.

- But what if Cranston
doesn't get the joke?

Then you'll be out of a
job, mate, just like me.

- We'll have each other.

(gentle, orchestral music)

- I remember an uncle of
mine whom I loved very much.

He lived by the sea

and I often spent all day
on the beach with him,

just walking along.

He liked to smoke cigars.

And each time he took one out,

he asked me the same
question, "Do you like music?"

"Yes," I'd say.

"Well then, here's
a band for ya."

He'd put the Robert
Burns band on my finger

and we'd go on,
walking in the sun.

Years later, that memory made
me start smoking Robert Burns.

- [Man] Nice speech.

- [Mr. Ed] Well
anyway, it's sincere.

- [Man] How could
it be, wiseguy?

- [Mr. Ed] You mean I
don't sound sincere?

- [Man] Of course not,

you made that point
to me, remember?

- Kenny.

- [Man] And what's good for
the boss is good for the heart.

- Kenny, come to
bed, it's after 3:00.

- No I'm uh, I'm
okay, not sleepy.

- [Mr. Ed] Hm, I
wonder if they sell--

- Honey, you don't have to,

you know.

- No, I know, thanks.

- [Mr. Ed] And I used
to have a lot of hay

before I started lunch.

- [Man] Besides, I told ya--

(gentle, flute music)

(Heidi clears throat)

- Doug. (chuckles)

- Well hello there, little lady.

- I just wanted to
say how much I enjoyed

reading your advertising
yesterday. (chuckles)

- Oh you liked the
advertising, did you?

- Oh, it was wonderful. (laughs)

do you mind if I sit down?

- Oh, not at all.

Have a seat.

- What's that instrument
you're playing?

- It's an Ocarina.

You wanna give her a toodle?

- Oh no, I'd be terrible.

- Oh no such thing
with an Ocarina.

(Heidi chuckles)

(flute whistles)
(Heidi chuckles)

(flute whistles)

Go ahead, you're getting it.

(flute whistling)

- (giggles) Hey, this if fun.

- I can see you're
a very oral person.

- What's that?

- You have a tendency to be
putting things in your mouth.

- (laughs) Well actually I do.

You should see what I
do with pens. (laughs)

(door clatters)

- [Doug] Advertising.

(knocking on door)
Adver--

- Hey Doug, you in there?

Open up a minute, will ya?

(Doug grunts)
Doug, I know you're in there.

I wanna show Mr.
Haverford my ad.

- [Doug] Come back later,
man, I'm getting head.

- (laughs) Sure.

Sure B.J. in the office.

(Heidi giggles)
Don't you wish.

- So remember, for 80% more
ventilation, you know where,

Mitchel, think United Standard,

America's largest manufacturer
of consumer products.

- So, what do you
think, Mr. Haverford?

(knuckles crack)
(Haverford sighs)

- Dang.

I think this is the best,
damn advertising I've seen

since I've been in the business.

It's hard hitting, it's
assertive and it's direct.

- Thank you, sir.

- Damn, I can hardly wait
to show it to Cranston.

He's going to be ecstatic.

Well, (clears
throat) great show.

See everybody in the morn.

(claps hands) Great show.

Great show. (clapping hands)

Uh, Covey.

You know, Harson,

getting Parkyn outta
here was the best thing

that ever happened
to this place.

- Oh, (chuckles) you
got that right, sir.

- Frankly, I think we owe
ourselves a little treat.

* One, two, three *

(upbeat, rock music)
* Eh *

* All right *

* Eh, got to know how to *
pony like Bony Maronie *

* Put your hands on
your hips, yeah *

* Let your backbone slip *

* Do the watusi,
like my little Lucy *

* Oh *

(upbeat, rock music)
* Eh *

* Nah nah nah nah
nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah, need somebody
* to help me sing one time *

* Nah nah nah nah
nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah *
nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Wahhhhh *

("Land of a Thousand
Dances" by Percy Faith)

* Wow *

* Eh, you know I
feel all right *

* Ha, feel pretty
good, y'all, eh *

* Nah nah nah nah
nah, nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah nah nah *

* Nah nah nah nah,
come on y'all, * let's
say it one more time *

(phone rings)

- Yes?

Okay.

(phone clatters)

Tom is ready for you guys.

- (knocks) Morning
T.C., welcome back.

- Ah, good morning,
it's good be back.

Come in, everybody.

- Morning.
- Morning.

- Well we might as well
get right down to business.

(clears throat) Mitchel here,

has come up with some Vorcan
advertising that frankly,

I don't think we could
have gotten out of Parkyn.

- Oh, is that so, Mitchel?

- Well I think it's
great stuff, sir.

- It better be.

Tomorrow's the presentation.

That doesn't give us
much turnaround time.

- Oh we're not gonna need
any turnaround time, T.C.,

this stuff's gang busters.

- Let's see what
you got, Mitchel.

- Well sir, (sighs)

this first commercial
opens on a closeup--

- Wait a minute.

Shouldn't we begin with
my marketing report?

- Christ Covington,
save it for the meeting.

I can't stand that shit.

- (sighs) Well, as I was saying,

before we were so
rudely interrupted--

- Which is why we believe
it's the absolutely perfect

product for today's
contemporary, young woman,

who simply is no longer willing

to be enslaved by the
preconceived notions of men,

that a woman having her period

is not capable of competing
at the very top of her game.

Thank you.

- (timer clicks)
Excellent, Penelope.

I've got you in just
under five minutes.

Perfect.

- Another fine product
from your favorite company,

United Standard.

(sighs) Well, that pretty
much completes the package.

- Isn't that great stuff, T.C.?

- Uh, did you write all
this yourself, Mitnick?

- Well, I just
supervised, really.

- Oh, don't be modest, Mitchel,

he wrote every
last word, itself.

- You know, sir, none of
the other people's work

was really quite
right, so last minute,

I had to do it all
myself. (chuckles)

- Well, it sucks,

every fucking word of it.

It is the most boring,

dismal,

anal advertising I've ever
seen in my entire life.

- Goddammit Mitnick!

I told you the work lacks punch!

I told him, T.C., but
he just wouldn't listen.

- Listen?

Sir, with all due respect, I,

you approved every, single
one of those things.

You told me it was great.

I can't believe you're
saying this to me!

- Shut up! (thumps desk)

- Shut up!

- Get me Parkyn.

(group relieved sighing)

(slams desk) Parkyn!

(playful, sassy music)
(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh I'm sorry, Tom, George
isn't available right now.

He's um, he's
finishing his novel.

It seems Random House is--

(playful, sassy music)

Well, I doubt it.

Let me ask him.

- Haverford, if we
don't keep this account,

I'm gonna have your ass.

- Mine too, sir.

- Here's the deal,
triple his salary,

guaranteed 10-year contract,

and a red Jeep Cherokee
for his company car.

- Yes, yes, anything, anything!

I'm putting it in
writing as we speak.

Just get his ass up here.

He's accepted.

- Yes!

(slaps hands)

Congratulations, sir.

(typewriter clicking)

- Who was that?

- Oh, just Tom Cranston.

- Cranston?

What did he want?

- He says he wants you to
come back and work for him.

But only on one condition.

- What that I wear leg irons?

- No, that you accept
triple what you were making

when he fired you.

- Uh, I want a
five-year contract.

- How about 10
years, guaranteed.

- Any bonuses?

- A red Jeep Cherokee, for me.

- Damn. (claps desk)

I was just getting
into this novel.

- Well, you could always
pick it up again on vacation.

- How many weeks vacation?

- All right, how about

a freer life for the new woman?

- It's good love, it's good.

Let's see if we can't top it.

- Oh, George, this
is impossible,

it's just another lousy Kotex.

- Well then why are the
lads at United Standard

so bloody excited about it?

- It's got thousands
of tiny air holes

to let a woman's woozie--
- Oh,

don't even say it.

- Well that Hoffman's
got a great idea.

- Well of course,
they've got Johnny Akita.

- You say that 'cause
he dresses in black.

- Well I don't see your picture
in Ad Week all the time.

- Children, children,
no fighting.

- I gotta go home.

I don't know why we don't
resign the account right now.

No way we're gonna keep it.

- Ah.

(ball clatters)

Kenny, you're right,
you are a hack,

a bloody, wanking hack.

You're just leaving

'cause you got an ickle
wickle bit frustrated.

Poor little Kenny,

didn't have an idea in
the first five minutes.

- What do you want from me,
George? It's hopeless, I suck.

I don't have any decent ideas.

- Don't you realize

that's when we have
our best ideas, mate?

Just when we think we're
never gonna have another idea

in the rest of our lives.

Now, let me ask the assembled
congregation one more time,

what is so special about this
great, new sanitary napkin?

- [Ken] Nothing,
absolutely nothing.

It's just a little bit better
than what they have out now.

- A little better ain't bad.

- No, it isn't bad,
George, I mean, you know,

trust me, I tried it.

- So what we're saying
is the pad ain't bad.

- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

Try the nachos.

- Wait, Kenny.

I think you got it.

- Got what?

- The idea.

Pad ain't bad, strikes
just the right note.

It is a better product,

but it isn't exactly gonna
save all of human kind,

certainly not the men.

- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, Kenny, George is right.

The pad ain't bad,
I mean it's uh,

it's memorable,
it's got attitude.

- Hot darn, picture this,

little African American lady,
schlepping up the stairs,

bags full of groceries,

5th floor walkup, everything
gone wrong in her life,

but the pad ain't bad.

- Why does she have to
be African American?

- Okay, she's Portuguese.

- I can work with that.

- Think Harson, think.

- Create, you bastards, create.

- Not to be disrespectful, sir,

but isn't it Parkyn
and his people

who are supposed to do
the actual advertising?

- Ah, you think I
trust those degenerates

to come up with anything
we could actually use?

They're about as creative
as a busload of Norwegians.

- But sir, wasn't
Kierkegaard Norwegian?

- Who does he work for?

- I got it!

This is it, this is the one.

I'm a United Standard woman
from head to you-know-where,

and all these little
things are call-outs

of their famous brands,
Pastoral shampoo for the hair,

Enamel Grout for the teeth,

Mang Spray for the pits, and
working our way down the body,

to Vorcan for the snatch,

uh, bush,

hair pie,

trim,

patch,

red snapper,

skirt steak--
- Uh,

this isn't getting us
anywhere, uh, Mitnick,

you're creative, get
down to your floor

and see what you
can come up with.

- Yes sir.

- Come on, Doug,
it's after midnight.

- Just doing a little
backup advertising

in case nobody
likes what we have.

Even her protection is holy.

(pair laughs)
- You're really perverted.

You're an asshole. (laughs)

(paper rustles)
(cheerful, carefree music)

(Doug sighs)

(playful, rhythmic music)

- Goddammit, why
didn't I think of this?

It's brilliant.

- Goddammit, Mitnick, why
didn't you think of this?

It's brilliant.

- Well, at least I was the
one who borrowed it, sir.

- You know,

I've got a feeling this is
going to come in pretty handy.

* Ouch, I wake up
in the morning *

* I'll think about you, girl *

* I'll wake up in the morning, *
I'll think about you girl *

* Ouch, I'll wake
up in the morning *

* I'll think about you girl, *
I'll wake up in the morning *

* I'll think about you girl *

* Ouch *

* One, two, three, four *

(musician screaming lyrics)
(upbeat, rock music)

(people chattering)
(upbeat, background music)

- Kenny San.

- Hey Johnny.

- Tomorrow's the big day.

- Yeah, I hear you guys
got something really great.

- Hm, I hear you guys lost
your creative director.

- We got him back.

How you doing?

- Hey Johnny.

- So how is your presentation?

- Oh, we got some great
advertisement worked up.

You guys make a handsome couple.

(people chattering)

- [Anita] (kisses) Goodnight.

- Mmhmm.

- [Anita] Oh, that's better.

- Easy, I got a presentation,
I need my energy.

Maybe not.

(Anita grunts)
(pair kissing)

(Ken sighs)

One more day, okay?

(Anita sighs)
I promise,

we can play Joanie
and Chachi tomorrow.

(Anita slaps covers)
Ah!

(cheerful, nostalgic,
orchestral music)

- [Man] They'll
know you've arrived

when you drive up
in the 1958 Edsel.

(horns honking)
(traffic humming)

(people chattering)

- Tuttle, Parkyn tells
me you have an idea.

The pad ain't bad, you
made a grammatical error.

Christ, the meeting's
in two hours.

We've gotta change all this.

What do you think
United Standard's

gonna condone the bastardization
of the English language?

- I don't know.

- You've just blown the United
Standard account, Tuttle.

Mark my word.

(rhythmic, rock music)

- Look at Kenny in a
tie, isn't he cute?

- Oh yeah, adorable.

- Dad had to make a poo poo.

A few minutes.

- Yeah.

- [Woman] I think
the Twinkie brothers

have the same suit on.

- Yesterday, when I left
home, looked like rain,

so naturally, I
brought my umbrella.

Wouldn't you know it,
it was a beautiful day.

So today, of course, I leave
the old brellie at home,

what happens the second
I step off the train?

Cats and dogs. (laughs)

- What, are you two
having an affair?

- Oh.
(group laughs)

(Naylor clears throat)

- Oh. (chuckles)

- Ready to begin, dad?

- Yep.

- Okay, um, gentlemen,
quiet please.

Calling this meeting to order.

Mr. Cranston, would
you tell us, please,

why you think your
agency is best suited

to handle our new
Vorcan sanitary product
and by extension,

all United Standard brands.

- I'd be happy to, Robert.

(clears throat) In
fact, I'm confident

that the thinking you're
going to see here today

will pursued you
of that handily.

So let me begin by
introducing Peter Haverford,

executive vice president, and
head of account operations.

Peter will take us
through our presentation.

- (clears throat)
First, let me say, sir,

what an honor it
is to be presenting

to one of America's great
captains of industry--

- Shut up.

- Right right,
happily. (chuckles)

Now, here to present the first
part of our marketing report,

is our brilliant, young
account supervisor,

Harson Covington.

- That wouldn't be hard-on
Covington, would it?

- Uh, yes that's right, sir.

(group laughing)

(clears throat) The impact of
the sand nap on American life

can in no way be--
- Shut up.

- What dad is saying is
he would prefer to go

straight to the
actual advertising.

- But I worked--
- As you wish.

Now, this first commercial
we're going to look at--

- Did you do it?

- Beg your pardon, sir?

- Dad wants to know
if you're the one

who actually created
the advertising.

- Well, I was instrumental--

- George, you and
Kenny show the work.

George Parkyn and Ken Tuttle

and about a million
people in the back room

created the work
you're gonna see today.

- That's us all right.

- I think, actually,
this advertising uh,
speaks for itself.

So Kenny, why don't
you let her rip?

- (clears throat) Thank you.

(posters thump table)

Now this first one
concerns an older,

kind of bedraggled
looking bride.

She's standing on a receiving
line that just won't end

and she's greeting a lot
of weird looking relatives.

Just then, the bride looks
to the camera and says,

"Getting my period on my
wedding day was a drag.

"My new mother-in-law is a hag.

"The chicken-ala-king
was downright sad.

"But the pad ain't bad."

Then the voiceover reads,

"It's never fun
having your period,

"but the new ventilated
pad from United Standard,

"makes it just a
little more bearable."

Then the bride says,
"The pad ain't bad."

That's our slogan.

The second one is
one of my favorites.

There's a Portuguese woman
schlepping up the stairs,

bags of groceries,
5th floor walkup,

she's got about a
million kids, no husband,

and just when all is lost,

"Walking up those stairs
everyday is such a drag.

"Dealing with these
kids could drive me mad,

"but the pad ain't bad."

(chuckles) (clears throat)

- Look at them, ice, nothing.

- I think it works
equally well in print.

This is a woman in a funny
looking pair of bell bottoms.

"Some things turn out to be a
fad, but the pad ain't bad."

The teenage market
likes this one.

"Even when you can't stand
your dad, the pad ain't bad."

- Pass 'em around, Kenny.

- Bloody good job, mate.

- Rob, you began this
meeting by asking

why Cranston Associates is
the agency best qualified

to handle your advertising.

I think the answer is simple,

consumers today are sick
of these grandiose claims

and self-important bullshit,

they wanna see
advertising that's fun,

entertaining and doesn't
take itself too seriously.

Now I think the pad ain't
bad is one of those ideas.

Now what do you think?

- Tip, would you care to
comment on the advertising?

- Well, no offense, but I
think it's weak and feminine.

- Weak and feminine.

Ellen?

- To me, the advertising

lacked believability
and persuasiveness.

- Rob?

- I feel the advertising that
Mr. Parkyn has just presented

is trying to hard to be hep.

- Did you say hip or hep?

- Hep.

- Hep, okay.

Dr. Glenn would you care to
comment on the advertising?

- Yeah, I certainly would, uh,

no way does this convey
the true brilliance

of my discovery of Vorcan.

- Tom, I'm afraid I must
concur with our committee here

that the advertising that
you've shown today is

soft, silly, vulgar, frivolous,
stupid and insulting.

Otherwise, I rather liked it.

- (clears throat)
Gentlemen, (clears throat)

perhaps this concept
is more to your liking.

"Even her protection is holy."

Get it, holy here
having two meanings.

(group groaning)

- Sit down, Haverford,
that's sick.

Robert, what do you think?

- Tom, I think we gotta
talk about this in private.

Well now, Tom,
the pad ain't bad.

Shouldn't we be saying
the pad is good?

- Actually, it's
a double negative,

so it's really saying
the pad is bad.

- Actually, it's not
a double negative,

a double negative is when you--

- Order, order please.
(hammer clapping)

Tom, I'm afraid we're gonna
have to get back to you.

Dad.
(knocking at the door)

- [Haverford] This is a
private meeting, Tuttle.

- What is it, Kenny?

(door clatters)

- I know I wasn't exactly
invited to this meeting,

but since it was
my Mang campaign

that got us into this mess--

- Your Mang ads performed very
poorly in the marketplace,

Mr. Tuttle.

- They didn't do squat.

- I realize that,
sir, and I'm sorry.

You see, Mang was my
first, big assignment,

and I guess I was afraid to
take responsibility for it,

so anytime anyone
made a suggestion,

no matter how much it
screwed up my idea,

I felt I was forced to
put it in the advertising,

and that way, if Mang failed,

I figured it
wouldn't be my fault.

And you know what
happens when everybody

starts putting in
their two cents?

- Yeah, you get a piece of shit.

- I couldn't have put it
better myself, Mr. Naylor.

- I put 35,000,000 bucks
behind that advertise.

- I feel awful about that, sir.

It was my job to write
a good ad for Mang

and then it on television

without letting anybody
fuck it up along the way,

and I guess I let you
down on both counts.

- You should be fired.

- You're right about that,
sir, but fortunately I wasn't

'cause it gave me time
to come up with an idea

that will sell your
new sanitary napkin.

Let me tell you this,

the pad ain't bad
strikes the right tone.

Now it's not gonna
save all of human kind,

certainly not the men,
but it's memorable,

four simple words,
the pad ain't bad.

Compare that to anything
Barry Hoffman shows you,

I guarantee you,
the pad ain't bad

is the one that'll
stick in your mind.

In fact, I defy
you to forget it.

And uh, Tom, if
you wanna fire me--

- Shut up, Kenny.

Look, I know you guys have to
see what Hoffman comes up with

before you make a decision.

You know my number.

- We'll get back to you, Tom.

- You're out of here,
Tuttle. (laughs)

- [Man] Tom left his gavel.

- That wasn't a bad little
speech you gave there, Tuttle.

Just hope it doesn't
cost us the business.

- We're only going to
present one idea today

because it is the big idea.

- I got a feeling
about this one.

- [Naylor] Yeah, it'd better be.

- [Woman] I can't
wait to see this.

(video beeps)

(train whistle humming)
(gentle, electronic music)

- [Narrator] Once
we were prisoners.

We needed air to breath.

To be free.

Then, nothing
could keep us down.

We would not be denied.

* Sleep, like a child *

* Resting deep, you don't *
know what you give me *

* I keep for these
moments alone *

("Sweet Dreams" by Air Supply)

* Close your eyes *

* I want to ride the *
skies in my sweet dreams *

* Close your eyes *

* I want to see you tonight *
in my sweet dreams *

- Wow. (laughs)
- Wow.

- Fabulous.

- Thank you, thank
you very, very much.

Any comments?

- It's fantastic.

- It's fabulous.

- Stirring.

- They understand Vorcan.

- I love it.

- I don't get it.

- I hate it.

- Exorable.

- Boring.

- It's contemptible.

- Sucks.

- Very nice, we will
get back to you.

Dad. (whispering)

(man coughing)

- Here's one you might like,
Ken, back hoe operator.

Pays $18.50 an hour.

- I don't want them
to fire me, you know?

I'm just gonna quit.

It's easier that way.

- Oh, (mutters) assistant.

You like cats.

(phone rings)

Ma garret.

Oh yeah, no he's here.

For you.

- Hello.

Yeah, yeah I'm on my way.

All right.

Cranston's private
conference room.

- Kenneth.

(quiet, background
country music)

- (knocks) You wanted
to see me, Tom?

- Oh yeah, come on
in, close the door.

(door clatters)

- Listen, Tom, I've decided
that advertising's not for me.

I've been thinking about
this for a few weeks now,

so I think I'll go
back to school or,

I don't know, become a
teacher or something.

- Oh really?

Well that's too bad.

I just got a call from
Robert Naylor Senior

and he says he can't get the
pad ain't bad out of his mind.

- Well you not only kept
their business, Kenny,

they're putting $40,000,000
behind the sanitary napkin.

They want the pad ain't
bad on the air right away.

- No shit.

- No shit.

- I was gonna give ya
a $10,000 raise and uh,

a promotion to
creative supervisor,

but I guess now that
you're gonna quit.

- Creative supervisor,

does that mean I won't
have to let Haverford

maraud all over my ads anymore?

- You never had to let Haverford

maraud all over you ads, laddy.

- Now what do you say,
Kenny, will you stay?

- Can I have a few
weeks to think about it?

- Yeah, if you have
some champagne.

(bottle swishes)

I think what we've all
witnessed here today

is the creative magic

that happens when two longtime
partners stick it out.

So here's to 20
more great years.

- [Group] Cheers.

- [Ken] Cranston's being
a good sport about it.

He's given me 'til the end of
the month to make up my mind.

Things are pretty much okay
with me and Anita again.

(pair grunting)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Meanwhile, Parkyn
says if I stay,

they'll make it a $15,000 raise.

Christ, I'd be making
more money than my father.

(upbeat, cheerful music)

* There's more people *
working than ever before *

* There's a PhD cook
in my grocery store *

* An engineer
mopping the floor *

* More jobs you never saw *

* Yeah, welcome to the *
world of the working poor *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

("This Administration"
by Cindy Lee Berryhill)

* The president played *
some movie star game *

* Let's swing good and
escapes all blame *

* This looks good,
but you explain *

* Overpriced spaceships
burst into flame *

* CIA guess what's
yelling your name *

* Oh, talking about ya *

* Talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

* Ahhh *

* And he's got the
biggest that saves *

* It calls 'em the
good old days *

* Bush owes more
than he can save *

* Can't be nice
and Nancy waves *

* While he places
leaves on Nazi graves *

* This administration
is so new *

* Pretty much in order
to set out to do *

* They promo many
and get to The View *

* Don't think they're gonna *
change their point of view *

* And they cut off *
(lyrics indiscernible) *

* Talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* I'm talking about ya *

* This administration *

* Administration *

* Administration *

* Yeah *

* Ha ha *

(mischievous laughing)

(cheerful, twangy music)

(dramatic theme music)